SS.org Joke Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by mr_rainmaker, Feb 24, 2012.

  1. USMarine75

    USMarine75 Colorless green ideas sleep furiously Contributor

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    Went to a bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 22 and I'm 37.


    ... it completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
     
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  2. petereanima

    petereanima Br00tal Bubbly Mofo

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    A brunette and a blonde standing in an elevator.

    In front of them stands a man, who obviously has a bad dandruff problem.

    When he leaves the elevator, the brunette says:"Damn, someone should give him some head & shoulders..."

    Asks the blonde: "How do you give shoulders?"
     
  3. mr_rainmaker

    mr_rainmaker Resident Cherokee

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    pirate walked into a bar looking sad with a steering wheel down by his waist hanging by a chain around his neck. When the bartender asked, "that looks heavy, whats that steering wheel for?", the pirate reached down and grabbed the wheel and said, "Argh, it's drivin' me nuts."
     
  4. mr_rainmaker

    mr_rainmaker Resident Cherokee

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    A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich." The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to "panda" and reads: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
     
  5. BlackMastodon

    BlackMastodon \m/ (゚Д゚) \m/ Contributor

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    :rofl: this is easily one of my favorite jokes, no matter how cheesy it is.
     
  6. kerska

    kerska That guy...

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    This was on the Darwin awards, but every time I read about the part with the details and measurements and what not I start cracking up from the visuals I get in my head :rofl:

    "It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

    The facts, as best could be determined, are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within five seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 MPH, continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

    Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel."


    It ended up being a myth in the end, but I still find it hilarious :lol:
     
  7. glassmoon0fo

    glassmoon0fo Some Say...

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    A black guy, a mexican, and a jew walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Get the fuck out of here."

    I live in the south...
     
  8. flint757

    flint757 SS.org Regular

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    Thought this was funny...math/political humor
     

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  9. tacotiklah

    tacotiklah I am Denko (´・ω・`)

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    A blond decides to cook herself breakfast one morning and ends up setting her kitchen on fire. This is the corresponding 911 call:

    Operator: 911, what is your emergency?
    Blonde: My kitchen is on fire, it's terrible! Send someone right away!
    Operator: Okay ma'am, where is the fire?
    Blonde: It's in my kitchen, help me!
    Operator: Ma'am, please tell me how to get to your kitchen...
    Blonde: DUH, BIG RED TRUCK!!!!
     
  10. flint757

    flint757 SS.org Regular

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    Another for you good sirs and/or madams :lol:
     

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  11. JJ Rodriguez

    JJ Rodriguez Contributor

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    How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just beat the room because it's black.



    An old man is leading a little girl into the woods and it starts getting dark. The little girl starts to cry. The old man turns to her and says "You think you're scared? I have to walk back by myself."
     
  12. glassmoon0fo

    glassmoon0fo Some Say...

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    how did hellen keller lose her right arm?
    trying to read a stop sign at 55mph.

    why did hellen keller's dog run away?
    you would too if your name was HNNNGNAAMBGHHH

    how did hellen keller's parents punish her?
    rearrange the furniture

    why couldn't hellen keller drive?
    she was a woman

    what would hellen keller be doing if she were alive right now?
    probably scratching at the top of that coffin.





    I got jokes for days, its pretty much how I made friends when I got to college :lol:
     
  13. tacotiklah

    tacotiklah I am Denko (´・ω・`)

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    Why did Hellen Keller wear tight pants?
    So everyone could read her lips...
     
  14. AnarchyDivine88

    AnarchyDivine88 SS.org Regular

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    What’s the worst thing about fucking a five year-old?
    Getting the blood out of the clown suit.

    A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, “Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!”
    “No,” replies the man. “She just sort of lays there.”

    How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
    AIDS.

    How does a southern mother know her daughter is having her period.
    Her son’s dick tastes funny.

    What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
    Cancer.

    Have you ever tasted Ethiopian food?
    Neither have they

    What's the fastest animal in the world?
    An Ethiopian chicken

    What's positive about Ethiopians?
    H.I.V.

    What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
    Nothing, shes already been told twice.


    My problem is I don't have a conscience. :erk:

    EDIT: I removed a couple because they might have been a bit too fucked up...
     
  15. Alberto7

    Alberto7 Silly Goose Engineering

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    Dude... >_>
     
  16. ilyti

    ilyti Lazy Ryebread Viking

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    These are just at the threshold of what I consider still funny despite being horrible.
     
  17. Labrie

    Labrie King of the Swing

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    There is absolutely nothing funny about SIDS. I hope to god I never have to respond to one of those calls...

    Not trying to bring a bunch of seriousness into the joke thread but that one was too far for me.
     
  18. AnarchyDivine88

    AnarchyDivine88 SS.org Regular

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    Understandable. I removed that one and a couple others that might have been too bad. Don't want to seriously offend anyone.
     
  19. pink freud

    pink freud SS.org Regular

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    Actually, Ethiopian food is quite awesome.
     
  20. flint757

    flint757 SS.org Regular

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    I've got some bad ones that will probably put me in hell. Sorry ahead of time if it offends anyone.

    There was a mother living alone with her only son in an apartment three stories up. There was a fire in the middle of the night and a firefighter came through the window, grabbed both of them and saved their lives. The young boy told the firefighter of a cat that was still in the building. The firefighter climbed back up to their apartment and just as the apartment exploded he jumped out of the window and landed safely with the cat in his hands.

    The young boy turned to his mom amazed and said, "Mommy, can I become a firefighter when I grow older."

    His mom looks at him and says, "Sorry Timmy, but no, you have AIDS."

    A mother was in labor and right when the baby came out the doctor sighed with relief and said to the mother, "IT'S A BOY!" Right before handing it to the nurse he threw it against the wall and said, "Just kidding, it was dead."

    Q. A black man, a Hispanic man, and an Asian man all live on the same floor in a hotel. One day, a lamp catches on fire and the whole floor goes up in flames. Which one of them died?
    A. The black man. The others had jobs.

    Q. Why do Women have smaller Feet
    A. So They can Stand Closer to the Sink.

    Why shouldn't women have driver's licenses?
    There's no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.
     

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