SS Love and Relationships Thread

wheresthefbomb

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Relationships absolutely ARE work, but the payoff is incredibly rewarding when both people are working towards the same goal.

Before everything went to shit in my marriage, from years 10-13, my ex and I were the poster children for the ‘perfect couple’. We never fought, never said a bad word to each other and we were always laughing. Our friends constantly came to us asking how we pulled it off, the answer was always “It wasn’t always like this, we had to work for this.”

And it’s not that we fought or anything before, but we dealt with issues calmly and rationally as they arose. We disagreed about PLENTY of stuff, but we’d never get angry or upset about it because we both had the same goals in the relationship and that was paramount to everything else. We had a few really rough periods but never once did we get angry.

It takes a lot of effort to maintain your composure and be objective when your heart’s tied into something, that’s the work part of it. Or just holding up your end of the deal consistently.

And that’s why it was such a mindfuck when 2 months after we got married something flipped in her and those previous 13 years went out the window. The only time I ever yelled at her was the day I found out she was cheating, still didn’t call her a name though. Then we continued living together for 4 months after that while getting the house ready to sell and ending our 15 years together…..that was just as hard as the first 10 years.

Ditto, first LTR was 13 years, 8 of them married, to my high school sweetheart. Friends would frequently ask how we did it, always just told them it's a lot of hard work.

Despite the external fetishization of our "perfect" marriage, I was the one who eventually asked for a divorce. She never did wrong by me, not in any way that was insurmountable at least, but people change. By the time we split neither of us was the person we'd married.

We have this fairytale notion of forever but the reality is relationships are hard work and nothing is guaranteed.
 

TedEH

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While I'm onboard with the idea that it is a sort of work.....
I tend to lean on the idea that "work" doesn't have to mean "unpleasant". I was lucky enough to find a line of work I like doing, and if I didn't like doing it, I'd go elsewhere. I've always treated relationships the same way - I know it's effort and work, but if I'm not enjoying that work, I'd rather not be doing it, so I don't. That's a good way to stay single 90% of the time, hah. The idea of being partnered to someone for 10+ years is kinda daunting to me.
 

wheresthefbomb

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While I'm onboard with the idea that it is a sort of work.....
I tend to lean on the idea that "work" doesn't have to mean "unpleasant". I was lucky enough to find a line of work I like doing, and if I didn't like doing it, I'd go elsewhere. I've always treated relationships the same way - I know it's effort and work, but if I'm not enjoying that work, I'd rather not be doing it, so I don't. That's a good way to stay single 90% of the time, hah. The idea of being partnered to someone for 10+ years is kinda daunting to me.

Important distinction, relationships are work but if the work isn't rewarding it isn't worth doing. I put a LOT of work into my second marriage, very little of it was reciprocated, and I suffered accordingly until I saw the writing on the wall and filed for my second divorce in as many years. When the hard work is reciprocated it feels a lot less like work.
 

RevDrucifer

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Ditto, first LTR was 13 years, 8 of them married, to my high school sweetheart. Friends would frequently ask how we did it, always just told them it's a lot of hard work.

Despite the external fetishization of our "perfect" marriage, I was the one who eventually asked for a divorce. She never did wrong by me, not in any way that was insurmountable at least, but people change. By the time we split neither of us was the person we'd married.

We have this fairytale notion of forever but the reality is relationships are hard work and nothing is guaranteed.

So much truth right there that a lot of people who haven’t been through it just don’t get and won’t get until it happens.

Hell, EVERYONE told me before I got married, “Marriage changes things” and in my hubris I always replied “We’ve been together 13 years already, we’ve already worked through the crazy shit, I don’t see how this is going to change anything.”

And 2 months after my marriage my ex was wanting out. :lol:

But yeah, people change over time, either hugely or subtly and that’s when the continued/active work in maintaining a relationship steps into play in order to counter or adapt to the changes, from either side.

I only asked for a divorce because I was beat into submission and my ex didn’t have the balls to do it. Instead she pulled every sneaky, fucked up thing that I’d NEVER expect her to do so she didn’t have to be the one to cut the cord. It was only until after I nearly shot myself that I snapped out of it and said “This is literally going to kill me if I keep this up.”

It wrecked me to break my vows because I truly believe we’re only as good as our words when our actions back them up. When I said “through thick and thin” I meant it. But my refusal to break those vows almost got me dead.
 

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Met up with a woman for drinks today, we had chatted before, then it went cold, and I threw a hail Mary just to see while I was in the area if there was something, and she agreed (we're roughly 1.5-2hrs apart).

She said it was going to be drinks and nothing more and I teased that we'll see (I wouldn't actually push anything but it's fun to play), but she was right, and that's fine; full disclosure, she was married and said it's them basically living as roommates, so that's why she's been entertaining others but she's looking more for another partner out there, not a boy toy.

Oh well, no harm no foul, she just had drinks with a stranger and we parted amicably afterwards
 

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Went to the last of my cousins weddings, saw a chick their who I feel like if we walked into somewhere as an item, people would be like, "I see it." Thought she was with someone, turns out it's apparently her brother (not sure why you'd +1 a sibling?) but she was on the opposite side of the table, and I may have made a "bad" first impression as I was on mushrooms tonight.

I didn't say anything bad per se, but it's natural to assume you're judging someone if they're doing drugs at a wedding and that's your first time meeting; but I was doing it for the right reasons. The cousins are the funnest for me to hang with, and I wanted to have fun at their wedding and I did, so I'll explain that + I'm currently living my best life outside this event, so I'm celebrating all around.

So I'm gonna follow up with my cousin to see who she is and what the deal is, maybe make something here who knows
 

wheresthefbomb

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Went to the last of my cousins weddings, saw a chick their who I feel like if we walked into somewhere as an item, people would be like, "I see it." Thought she was with someone, turns out it's apparently her brother (not sure why you'd +1 a sibling?) but she was on the opposite side of the table, and I may have made a "bad" first impression as I was on mushrooms tonight.

I didn't say anything bad per se, but it's natural to assume you're judging someone if they're doing drugs at a wedding and that's your first time meeting; but I was doing it for the right reasons. The cousins are the funnest for me to hang with, and I wanted to have fun at their wedding and I did, so I'll explain that + I'm currently living my best life outside this event, so I'm celebrating all around.

So I'm gonna follow up with my cousin to see who she is and what the deal is, maybe make something here who knows

You shoulda offered her some. If she's down then great, if not crisis averted. "If you can't handle me at my tripping-balls-at-my-cousin's-wedding..."
 

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You shoulda offered her some. If she's down then great, if not crisis averted. "If you can't handle me at my tripping-balls-at-my-cousin's-wedding..."

I did actually :lol: pulled out the 1/2oz I picked up and was like, "you're free to join?" kind of hoping she would. Then she said she was driving home later so that at a minimum was a cause to say no.
 

RevDrucifer

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I mean, it's just good manners. Any woman I've hosted the past few weeks I've offered to smoke up in lieu of a drink.

Because I’m in rehab land, it’s one of those things you need to address up front, just as you would your intentions as far as the dating app things goes. Casual/long term/wants kids/sober/in recovery/I’m a lunatic.

I just put my ex-girlfriend through sober living and I’m doing some studying in my free time to become a peer resource counselor for addicts because after moving past my former issues with drugs/substances, I think I can do some good. Which is great, but I‘m still able to drink and partake without it being an issue in my life.

Before I shut my FB dating down, the last thing it said in my profile was “If you’re in recovery, we are not going to work.”

I don’t get to really cut loose often, but when I do, I don’t hold back.
 

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Because I’m in rehab land, it’s one of those things you need to address up front, just as you would your intentions as far as the dating app things goes. Casual/long term/wants kids/sober/in recovery/I’m a lunatic.

Oh it's on there that I'm 420 friendly, but not a drinker; plus the women have usually mentioned it before I even do so I know it's OK to throw out there :lol:
 

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Welp, texted my cousin and got a name, she said she's willing to reach out and see if she's seeing anyone but I also said I'm more than happy to do that since I'm the one asking and I don't want her to feel like she needs to play middle-man. Now that I have a name I'm doing my best to not look her up and get some idea of her, I liked doing this BECAUSE I've formed no idea of her based off an online profile.
 

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Been three days, gonna call it on the cousin's wedding guest situation, have another chick I'm talking to so we'll see if that crashes as well
 

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For the record I'm not trying to just hookup with either of those women, the wedding one like I said was intriguing because it was just at a minimum finding someone attractive and capitalizing on that and seeing what happens, and this recent one seems like she'd also be cool to know so I'm open to whatever honestly; I've started just trying to expand my circle/comfort zone at this point as well, so it's sort of all up in the air.

I know I can live alone, I have no qualms there as I've done it basically my entire life, it's harder for me to give up my freedom/independence by having someone around than it is for me to have too much of it
 

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Got a surprise text from my cousin on Friday, she said she didn't forget about me, she's just had a busy week (understandably so as she just got married and got T-boned after the rehearsal dinner the night before). So her step cousin or whatever the relation is may still be on the table.

Talking with the other chick a bit more, but not much, she's actually a little further from me than Tinder said (about 20 miles) in CT; I'll be not far from her at the end of the month, so I told her if she's cool with it, we keep talking and I'm willing to take her out when I'm down there. And I said if she's not feeling it any point between now and then, she says it's done and it's done, no fight from me.

Not expecting anything to come from it besides willing to take a nice girl out for a drink and some food, but we're not THAT far from each other that it'd be impossible to make something work; a buddy of mine would go down to CT to hang with his now wife.
 

TedEH

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I'm not sure what thread this goes in, since we don't have a "family drama" thread, but that's sort of a relationship, so I'm counting it. I typed up a whole long thing then decided better of posting it online, so here's the short version.
I'm a bit fried from the last few days. There's some mild relationship stressors going on, which, fine, that happens. But then a bunch of family drama happened to pile on top. To summarize: someone caught cheating + ran away with their kids. Other partner (my family member) is lawyering up, but can't afford it. Called me for help, and I tried to help, but got chewed out by another family member - saying I "don't understand what I'm dealing with and should butt out".
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
 


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