SS Love and Relationships Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by SevenStringSam, Jun 17, 2010.

  1. Demiurge

    Demiurge Intrepid Jackass

    Messages:
    4,991
    Likes Received:
    2,187
    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2005
    Location:
    Worcester, MA
    That's a really sad predicament. I'm truly sorry.

    I don't know exactly how you've framed things when speaking with your partner, but I think that if you can find the will to consider ending it & moving on then you should have the will to lay everything out- what you want, how they make you feel, how you feel about them and (if you do) why you want your life together to be better. It's probably hard to not make it seem like you're putting them on trial, so make sure that you're willing to be accountable for yourself, too.

    I'm sure it's in every single advice column, but you could suggest couples counseling- if they refuse then you kind of know your answer as far as how much work they're willing to do.
     
    soliloquy likes this.
  2. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

    Messages:
    4,762
    Likes Received:
    1,706
    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2008
    Location:
    toronto, canada
    oh, they know how i feel.
    they know what i want.
    they couldnt' deny that i feel like i'm being tolerated by her, and not chosen. That she wants to love me because her family and friends love me; because on paper i have my shit together; because i'm kind and caring; because i put her on a pedestal. yet she cant make herself love me. Just a different form of chemistry. If its truly depression, then how long do i wait? i've already given then relationship 6 years. Do i give it another 6 and hope depression is taken away?

    i dont want to be loved out of obligation.

    but i fear that if i stay in this relationship, it will be a sexless relationship and a dead bedroom, full of resentment.

    perks: have a great future together in terms of finances, and houses, and health and blah blah blah
    cons: no emotional connection....


    *sigh
     
  3. devastone

    devastone SS.org Regular

    Messages:
    621
    Likes Received:
    192
    Joined:
    Oct 3, 2009
    Location:
    Longmont, CO
    I'm going to second trying some couples counselling. Yeah, there are good counselors and bad ones, might take a few tries to find one that works for you guys, but, you're already in 6 years, it's worth a shot, if nothing changes, then yes, maybe it's time to move on.

    And from the drugs thread, if this is why you were thinking of taking psychedelics, then just say no, too much going on, it definitely won't go well.
     
    soliloquy likes this.
  4. nightflameauto

    nightflameauto SS.org Regular

    Messages:
    467
    Likes Received:
    538
    Joined:
    Sep 25, 2010
    Location:
    Sioux Falls, SD
    This thread is a downer.

    Just as a counter-balance:
    Been married to the same woman for twenty years, will be twenty one in May. And I can't imagine life without her. We've had ups and downs, but the downs are so short and inconsequential that I look at any one of them and laugh about how silly we were being. And the ups are REALLY up.

    Now, I will say that part of it for us is that we're like best buds that just happen to also have a sexual compatibility and a desire for each other. We'll watch stupid ass movies together and laugh our asses off. We'll listen to albums together and sing every word together. The people that tell us how hard relationships are and how much work goes into them make us scratch our heads because it just fits with us and always has. The 'work' part of it must just come naturally to us.

    I'm aware that we're both sort of loners, and we're both sort of givers. We both default to wanting to make sure the other is appreciated so that part isn't any sort of difficulty.

    I'm sure somebody seeing just this little summary of us without context will come up with some sort of psuedo-psycho analysis about codependence and how unhealthy it must be to truly enjoy your life with your partner since that's the usual reaction to saying anything positive about a relationship, but the people that know us have seen it first hand. Hell, we walked past a dude in Chicago when we were visiting that looked at us and just popped off, "Sometimes people just fit together. You can just tell." We've gotten comments like that several times over the years, so we must give off some sort of vibe.

    I'm just saying, it's not impossible. I will say from watching the people around me, I sometimes think people settle just to be with somebody and that's not the way to end up with long-term stability. I think DrakkarTyrranis's take is the correct one, and is where my wife and I were when we met. I was literally just done with relationships. I had decided my life would be better off if I just worried about me. I had been put through the ringer a few times and just wasn't interested in going down that path at all again.

    Then I got a call from the cute little red-head at the office one Saturday. Went out with her Tuesday. Hung out again that Friday. That was around Thanksgiving. By Christmas I was basically living with her. By February we were engaged. Married in May. Almost twenty one years later and I can honestly say not only is it the best thing that ever happened to me, it's made me a better, more balanced, and MUCH more relaxed person. Now, some of that's age, but a bigger part of it happened in the first couple years we were together.

    So when someone tells you not to give up hope? They're wrong. Give up hope. And I mean truly give up hope for that special someone. Let yourself truly believe there's nobody for you. And get relaxed in that belief. The pressure to be with someone is the worst thing you can put on yourself. It'll happen when you AREN'T looking. And that message seems to be repeated often enough with long-term successful folks that, while I won't call it a universal truth, I'd say it at least holds some sort of bearing on reality.

    tl;dr: you do you. Being comfortable being yourself is essential to happiness whether you're with someone or not. Get there on your own and if the right someone comes along, it's a great bonus, rather than an essential must have.
     
  5. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

    Messages:
    8,208
    Likes Received:
    5,148
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2007
    Location:
    Gatineau, Quebec
    I haven't read the rest of the posts in the thread yet, but I want to pause to comment on this. If you are "in a relationship" with someone who, in practical terms, is little more than just a roommate, you're not really in what a lot of people would call a relationship. If your needs are not being met, but you're being restricted from going out to meet them by someone who is basically just a roommate with a title, then that reads to me as emotional manipulation. If you don't BOTH agree to the terms of the relationship, then it's either not a relationship or not a fair one.

    If I'm reading this correctly - you consider yourself to be in a relationship, but there's no intimacy or romance and anything? You're basically just roommates? By my reading, you don't owe anything to anyone. Go date other people. Don't let people treat you like a piece of the furniture.
     
    soliloquy likes this.
  6. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

    Messages:
    4,762
    Likes Received:
    1,706
    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2008
    Location:
    toronto, canada
    Gracias for the concern!
    The psychedelics are something I've been interested in for last 20ish year or so. Just never found a decent sitter till recently. Have tried it a few times so far, and still learning the ropes of it.

    My personal life, I have a different view on it, and it's not related to the drugs. Just a side thing that is happening.
     
  7. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

    Messages:
    4,762
    Likes Received:
    1,706
    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2008
    Location:
    toronto, canada
    Sadly I can't be a partner that I want to be if I'm still tied to someone. Though I think I may be poly, but most aren't comfortable with that, thus I'm not going to drag others into my baggage.

    Her needs are met by a hug every few months, if that. Our definition to intimacy is different. Where as I rather abstain than have mediocre sex. I rather abstain than have plenty of quickies that aren't satisfying me. I rather abstain than just take whatever is coming my way.
     
    c7spheres likes this.
  8. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

    Messages:
    8,208
    Likes Received:
    5,148
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2007
    Location:
    Gatineau, Quebec
    I feel like nightflameauto has the right idea. The happiest I've been has always been either staying single, or in dating scenarios where I didn't feel like I "needed to be there". There's a certain pressure to pair up, but there's no real need to do it. The don't like the phrasing of the whole "you need to love yourself first" thing, but I think the sentiment sort of points in the right direction. Even IN a relationship, you need to find contentment in yourself. Relationships don't fix people or complete people or solve people or validate people or any of that. It's just a thing that some people do and some people don't.
     
  9. Dan_Vacant

    Dan_Vacant Hi I'm Dan.

    Messages:
    1,377
    Likes Received:
    78
    Joined:
    Jan 4, 2011
    Location:
    Port Huron, MI
    I've been single for a good second, and I'm not sure if I miss being in a relationship or if I miss having someone to drag to movies and social events. Not that either of those are really happening lol.
     
    c7spheres likes this.
  10. groverj3

    groverj3 Bioinformagician

    Messages:
    2,973
    Likes Received:
    1,516
    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2012
    Location:
    Boston, MA
    This is the most inspiring shit.

    Thanks.
     
    nightflameauto likes this.
  11. groverj3

    groverj3 Bioinformagician

    Messages:
    2,973
    Likes Received:
    1,516
    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2012
    Location:
    Boston, MA
    After my relationship blew up back in October (see 2-3 pages ago), my previous ex from before that started reaching out to me more often. We dated for almost three years while I was early in grad school and it didn't work out because she moved to Oregon from Arizona, we had no idea if we'd ever be in the same place, etc. etc.

    I was feeling like real shit back in November, and I actually flew to visit her. We'd kept in contact as friends. Probably not the most prudent thing to do amidst the pandemic. But I consider her a good friend, and we hadn't caught up in 2 years. Plus, being totally isolated here was just killing my mental health.

    Had a great time reminiscing, and it turned out she was trying to leave a really controlling, and frankly pretty disgusting, boyfriend who was bad news. We had a great time catching up, and I think we both needed it. We never really intended for our last visit in 2019 to be the last time we saw each other. On top of it all, she managed to leave said shitty boyfriend, move out of her place where she lived with him, and seems to be really doing a lot better.

    We talked about what it would mean to get back together on this visit. But the thing is, we live even further apart than before. However, I now have disposable income I never had before, and a job that could be remote from anywhere. Plus, I was still reeling from my last relationship (honestly, still am), and she had all kinds of drama going on. It seemed like it wasn't the right time, while she figured her life out and I tried to recover from my own situation. It was really great though.

    Thinking about it now, she's one of the best people I know, and we always enjoyed each others' company. Since we've stayed friends, things didn't feel awkward and I could see how it could maybe work again. However, I'm also reminded that she hasn't been taking care of herself the past few years. In terms of her weight and overall health, and her garbage boyfriend didn't help. I don't want to sound shallow, but I guess that's what I'm saying I am. Even when we were together we didn't really have a great sex life for the last year. On top of the distance, she was having issues related to her weight. This led to the end of our relationship being more like "two friends hanging out" than a romantic relationship.

    She said something though that's stuck with me. When we were together there was always friction about her wanting me to move with her to Oregon, and I was always noncommittal about it, because I frankly didn't know if it was possible. When we broke up, I always thought we were both ready for it to end, because of the distance of intimacy issues, and I pulled the trigger. It turns out that she says that the night she called me so upset and we ended up breaking up, she wanted to reconcile and was looking to be comforted. Instead, I told her that "I think we've reached an impasse" (my exact words), and we broke up. I realize now I've been lying to myself about it being mutual to avoid feeling like the bad guy. That doesn't mean it wasn't justified, but man... I feel like shit for lying to everyone and myself for like 2 years.

    What we did decide during that visit is that we should either decide to give it another go or find a way to decouple in a more permanent way. Otherwise it will hold us back from another fulfilling relationship, if that's what the right course of action is. I guess there's no need to rush into anything, and the pandemic gives me ample time to think things through. I do have a lot to think about though.
     
    jco5055 and Dan_Vacant like this.
  12. groverj3

    groverj3 Bioinformagician

    Messages:
    2,973
    Likes Received:
    1,516
    Joined:
    Jan 2, 2012
    Location:
    Boston, MA
    I tend to write novels, haha. Honestly though, it's kind of therapeutic to write down some of this. Otherwise, I'm just over here stewing with it.
     
  13. jco5055

    jco5055 SS.org Regular

    Messages:
    671
    Likes Received:
    333
    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2010
    Location:
    Chicago
    it's all good, I'm a novel writer myself if you've seen my posts haha
     
  14. jco5055

    jco5055 SS.org Regular

    Messages:
    671
    Likes Received:
    333
    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2010
    Location:
    Chicago
    Bolded for emphasis. As I've mentioned before, I love my gf, but we've had our ups and downs, and if we don't survive as a couple I think it partly stems from her definitely not being ok being alone. She's an only child, so I think it's manifested into some kind of insecurities of being alone etc, or maybe the issue is she has hobbies/passions but nothing to the level of myself (and I assume most of us here) have with music. But as a result we have disagreements on things like:

    -my new job has me starting work early enough where I need to get up an hour earlier than previously (and we got up at the same time previously), so now instead of either 1) getting up with me earlier and going to bed with me also earlier or 2) her reading or watching TV for an hour before jumping into bed with me, her solution is to 3) get in bed with me at the same time, but read for 30-60 minutes even though I don't interact with her (as I'm trying to sleep) so all she's really doing is making it harder for me to fall asleep (with the light still on and such) but since "we're together" during that she'll be upset if this week- long experiment ends with me determining she needs to read outside the bedroom.
    -likewise, if on the weekend she either gets up before me or I get up before her she get's annoyed that either 1) I don't get up with her or 2) I got up instead of just laying in bed next to sleeping her. When I've been like "you can watch/read/do something if you wake up before me" she doesn't like the sound of that because then we won't be doing it together.

    Or even as a broad example, if she's gone on a trip with her friends (as traveling is the closest she has to a passion, though obviously it's not an everyday occurrence like playing guitar is for me) she will text me pretty much non-stop and she'll miss me sooo much. Don't get me wrong, I obviously miss her too but when I have to live functionally single for those couple of days I am perfectly content doing music related stuff, or playing video games, or (pre-pandemic) meeting up with my brothers or friends and seeing a movie etc. But I get the feeling that as a single person pre-me she was definitely unhappy/felt that she needed someone be complete while I've had the mindset of "if I was single forever because I didn't find the right person I'd be ok with that, though not my preferred outcome" and without actually looking it up I assume my mindset is the "correct" one to have in a healthy relationship.
     
  15. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

    Messages:
    4,762
    Likes Received:
    1,706
    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2008
    Location:
    toronto, canada
    There is no real 'right' or 'wrong' per se.
    what works for you, may not work for her, and vice versa.
    Though I am much like you, in that i'm perfectly fine without others, from their perspective, i can understand that they would feel inadequate. I mean, I was raised to be independent, and have been fending for myself since I was 12. As such, whatever tasks that is give to me, i can do it on my own without others interfering with me, or me needing their help.
    For those who weren't raised to be the lone-wolf, they would struggle with that mentality as they maybe used to group efforts, or a clear 'leader' leading, or a clear 'follower' following.

    different dynamics kick in differently.

    now, with being the lone-wolf, I've seen it backfiring on the wolf several times, as their independence CAN (not always) lead to the other person feeling like they aren't wanted/needed, and by default, returning the sentiment to you. 'Why are we in this relationship? you can do everything better than me, and you dont need me. whatever i do, it feels like a duty/chore and i rather not do that' where as you can return and say 'i do everything, and you arent' doing your part. why do i need you? take away the sex, and what are you offering me in this relationship?'

    but if it works for you, then more power to you and your relationship.
     
    jco5055 likes this.
  16. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

    Messages:
    8,208
    Likes Received:
    5,148
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2007
    Location:
    Gatineau, Quebec
    I feel like that's a big growing point for a lot of people/relationships. I'm someone who really likes all that together-y time, but I also get stupidly exhausted if I don't get a significant amount of time to myself, even if it's just to do something trivial like play video games. The freedom to do and enjoy things solo is important to me, and to a lot of people. Part of it is finding that balance, another part is being comfortable with the idea that your partner is still a separate person and will continue to be your partner even if they aren't actively engaging in something with you at every second.

    Taking some of the context out of the equation - I think this is a proper thing to be asking. I've ended some relationships on the basis of asking that question and either not having an answer or not liking the answer. Nothing wrong with that IMO.
     
    jco5055 likes this.
  17. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

    Messages:
    4,762
    Likes Received:
    1,706
    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2008
    Location:
    toronto, canada
    I was watching this podcast of someone who has been divorced twice, and been through a few relationships, to now be fully content. He has called out his partners several times regarding the double standard that exists for men vs women. A man 'has' to be the bread winner, and bend over backwards for EVERYTHING, where as the 'women' are expected to just look pretty and the responsibility isn't on them.

    He has called out a few of his partners in the past, and whenever they say that 'you can do A-Z, and in return, you get sex' he would retaliate saying 'no, sex is a mutual thing. emotional intimacy, and physical intimacy is mutual. you put the work, i put the work. as such, take that away. What is it that you're offering me? companionship? I can do without it. take your time, i'll give you a week, a month, etc and take your sweet ass time.' and he's never gotten the response that is adequate.

    people pick random folks to be in a relationship with because they cant fathom the idea of not having someone in their life. I rather not have 'anybody' in my life, but a specific 'someone' that truly wants to be in a relationship with me, and not just 'anyone'.
     
    jco5055 likes this.
  18. jco5055

    jco5055 SS.org Regular

    Messages:
    671
    Likes Received:
    333
    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2010
    Location:
    Chicago
    if anything, my gf is the opposite she naturally wants to be a part of everything and will feel guilty if I'm left alone making dinner even though I actually probably like doing it alone more (just because I know I won't mess up and it will be quicker/easier the same way it is if I beat a videogame by myself, or build a lego set by myself etc) and have told her I don't care at all about doing it alone.
     
  19. jco5055

    jco5055 SS.org Regular

    Messages:
    671
    Likes Received:
    333
    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2010
    Location:
    Chicago
    Ok coming back with a seemingly easy question: how do you help someone who's having a panic attack in a quasi-emergency situation? By emergency, I mean in this instance we were trying to get our cat drinking fountain (it's automated/has a filtering system) to work, and it started overflowing the water and my gf was completely freaking out. I made the mistake of telling her to relax and that just escalated things.

    Now I understand in general telling someone to calm down/relax is known to not work, but with my googling to confirm that all the suggestions as alternatives is when it's not an "emergency", like "sit down, listen, ask questions" etc, but not when we are in the midst of a household accident. I only asked her to relax because she was basically just taking up space as I tried to grab the fountain to slowly carry it to the bathroom as it was filled to the brim and she was there just freaking/whining about it happening and it's gross etc.
     
  20. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

    Messages:
    8,208
    Likes Received:
    5,148
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2007
    Location:
    Gatineau, Quebec
    I am 0% an expert in this, but my gut reaction is that step #1 is not to treat the situation as an emergency. So a cat drinking fountain leaks or makes a mess or something. It's not the end of the world. That's not an emergency. IMO the best thing you can do is also be calm. If you panic, if you get mad, if you make it a BIG DEAL to solve the EMERGENCY, you're going to amplify whatever people are feeling in that situation.

    Don't tell people calmness is the right response to the situation, demonstrate it.
     
    jco5055 likes this.

Share This Page