SS Love and Relationships Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by SevenStringSam, Jun 17, 2010.

  1. groverj3

    groverj3 Bioinformagician

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    This past year has been quite the time.

    My previous relationship ended after about three years, because I was in grad school in Arizona and she had moved to attend grad school herself in Oregon. We kept it up for about a year and a half after that. Eventually though, I couldn't see the situation improving and she was upset that I couldn't promise that I'd be able to move to Oregon at any particular time.

    About 6 months later met a seemingly awesome woman, and we really got along well. Over all of it though, was the fact that I was finishing grad school and probably moving away in less than a year. She had a lot of anxiety issues though, too. When the pandemic hit her anxiety ramped up big time, being a teacher and having to work with kids through it all, and Arizona being a really shit place to be a teacher didn't help. She started going on about she wanted to be engaged to move to wherever I ended up and we'd only been together like 6 months when she started talking about this. I should've been more forceful in saying that's a bad idea at this time, but I mostly just deflected. She would always say things like how she "wanted to be with me forever" and then ask me if I agreed with that, too. Super uncomfortable. But I figured that was her anxiety talking, and mostly she was a really good partner.

    Then, I got a job in Boston and finished my PhD. Again, she mentioned repeatedly wanting to get engaged and we'd be together for less than a year. I kind of hoped things would settle down after I got there and she realized that I wasn't going to leave her or anything.

    She visited in October, and we argued a bunch about whether her timeline on engagement was reasonable and she kept dropping suggestions that she'd want it to happen over Thanksgiving when I was supposed to visit her family. In hindsight, there was no way to make that trip happen with COVID cases spiking around that time. When she left, after having these awkward conversations almost every night she was visiting me in Boston, I really had to think hard about this. After some soul searching, I couldn't drag it on anymore. She said the longest she'd wait to get engaged would be spring, which I still just couldn't do. I mean, we spent less than a year even living in the same timezone. How can it be reasonable to get engaged during a year in which we might only see each other twice. So, it blew up pretty badly at that point.

    I originally wanted to find a compromise but all she would accept is me buying a plane ticket immediately to spend the next few months in Arizona with her and still wanting to get engaged in the Spring.

    I feel like a real asshole for not voicing my misgivings earlier, but I was kind of hoping either I'd get on her level or she'd chill out over time. Neither of which happened.

    Better luck next time I guess.
     
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  2. Mathemagician

    Mathemagician SS.org Regular

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    That’s really rough buddy. I’m glad in the end you trusted your gut and didn’t let it drag any further. It’ll be much better for you (and her) in the long run.
     
  3. groverj3

    groverj3 Bioinformagician

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    Yeah, the logical part of me agrees. It just kind of blows to be in a new city, where I don't know anyone, and have an infinite amount of time to fixate on this.
     
  4. narad

    narad Progressive metal and politics

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    Sucks to that, man. I feel like these sorts of stories are super common among people doing a lot of grad school, meeting similarly-minded people, and therefore always planning to move somewhere else, often on different timetables. A lot of distance, a lot of rushed commitments.
     
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  5. TheBolivianSniper

    TheBolivianSniper SS.org Regular

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    Yeah I'm sorry to hear it's not working out, I went through something similar where our futures just weren't going the same way. Thankfully my ex had the sense to tell me not to warp my life around her and she made the stupid decision to leave school where she was excelling (straight As with barely trying and loving her major) to try and enlist like her family wanted her to and finding out she can't join due to allergies. Maybe I planned our lives together out too much, maybe it was a maturity thing but I thought 3 years was enough time to start thinking about the rest.

    It was for sure the right call though, too many people rush into things and give into pressure and in matters of emotional damage it's best to push everything besides the cold hard facts to the side and be objective. Saves a lot of pain and regret. Too many divorces any more and that's a damn shame.
     
  6. Demiurge

    Demiurge Intrepid Jackass

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    One can only imagine what that level of impatience looks like after the commitment is secured and the pleasantries of courtship end. I mean, it's great to know what you want from a relationship, but foisting that expectation onto someone else is deeply unfair.
     
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  7. groverj3

    groverj3 Bioinformagician

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    For sure. In the course of these arguments I made the point that it's not like I was getting cold feet on making that kind of commitment after multiple years of being together when she put it on the table that it was a goal of hers at the beginning. We'd been together less than a year. Not thinking that engagement is the right step in that situation isn't a sign of being immature and not wanting to commit. Quite the opposite.

    Her previous relationship ended badly after she moved to Tucson from Portland with her ex, so I'm sure there's an element of wanting to "lock it down" and avoid that from happening again. Although, people get divorced all the time and it's not like this would've been any guarantee that we'd be "together forever." In fact, pushing for that too early makes it more likely something will go awry.
     
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  8. groverj3

    groverj3 Bioinformagician

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    I think you definitely learn something important from each relationship.

    Things to be avoided:
    1. People hung up on marriage being a goal so much that they talk about it inappropriately early (only a few dates in), or put it in their dating profile.
    2. People who describe themselves as anxious.
    3. People who buy into "love languages."

    To explain:
    1. Wanting marriage is fine, but leading with that or wanting to talk about it before you've realistically evaluated the person should be a red flag because it seems like what they really want is stability and marriage, rather than you. And they have unrealistic expectations of how you build a relationship.
    2. It's okay to be anxious, but she described herself as such. Which means that it's an integral part of how you view yourself, rather than just a small part of the whole package that is your personality. Which also means that you're more likely to just expect others to deal with your anxiety rather than try to work on it. She went to therapy off and on while we were together, but I was always astounded how it seemed like she never really tried to work on this.
    3. This "love languages" nonsense really needs to die. Se described herself as being a "words of affirmation" person. Which, if you're up on this nonsense, means that someone wants to hear you say nice things to them to reaffirm that you love them. There are other "love languages" (gifts, acts of service, etc.), too. I think this nonsense gives people an excuse to be insecure and needy. Instead of thinking "Is it reasonable for me to ask someone constantly to prove their affections?" they might think "I'm a words of affirmation person, so my partner needs to accept that I need constant communication and affirmation of their feelings." Instead, just accept that people show their affections in different ways, accept what they give you, and don't require them to do it a certain way. Obviously have standards, but codifying it into some grand concept like this is toxic I think.
     
  9. Demiurge

    Demiurge Intrepid Jackass

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    Oh god- "love languages". It's not a terrible concept- people show affection in different ways and prefer to receive affection in different ways, too. I have a friend who talks about it a lot and has seemed to transform it into a formal list of demands from her husband. In my opinion, the entirety of history can attest that folks are pretty good about figuring out what they want; it's the identification & respect of other people's needs that's the tricky part.
     
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  10. LordIronSpatula

    LordIronSpatula A series of interconnected fortune cookies.

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    Haha... I remember my parents reading the love language book and then my mom using the terminology to basically order my dad around. :lol:

    I do think there’s a lot of truth in the idea of love languages. My wife and I had a conversation about them once and it was good for us to learn about how each of us feels valued. But once we knew that was the end of that discussion. Fixation on something like this is a red flag IMHO. As with just about anything written about relationships, mature and effective people will use the principles to enrich and strengthen their relationships to mutual benefit, while insecure or self-absorbed people will attempt to use it to control others. Guess who’s going to spend more time talking about it?
     
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  11. TheBolivianSniper

    TheBolivianSniper SS.org Regular

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    I've been attempting the social media pickup game since my ex is getting a ridiculous body count after me and I will not be outdone but literally no one will respond to my shit, like I was having a good conversation with someone and I gave her a compliment and she just saved the message and then didn't respond.


    Aight???? I literally have no idea how to do any of this bc I've never been single. Like my whole life up to this point that has mattered I've been in a relationship. Damb
     
  12. groverj3

    groverj3 Bioinformagician

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    You're never, ever, going to compete with a woman when it comes to getting dates/hookups from dating apps. It's just never going to happen like that. There are just a lot of horny dudes out there, and women (rightly so) have to be more selective because of the number of horny dudes out there. There are just a lot of creepers.

    In between relationships, I've done okay on "the apps." However, it's slow going to get matches. That being said, lower number, higher quality is better than the reverse. And typically, they have been good people.

    Best not to have expectations for anything and roll with it. Treat every match as an opportunity for interesting conversation and nothing more, unless something develops from that. At least that's my thirtysomething wisdom for you.

    Which of the apps are you using? The experience differs significantly by location and which one you're on.
     
  13. DrakkarTyrannis

    DrakkarTyrannis

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    I miss the good old days where you would threaten a woman at gunpoint to get into your van. After a few weeks of being held in the basement against her will she agreed to marry you. That's how it worked in those days. That's how I got your grandmother and we've been together for 50 years. Women are a lot more faithful when you threaten to kill them and dispose of the body if they tried to leave you.
     
  14. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    This is a thing?
     
  15. TheBolivianSniper

    TheBolivianSniper SS.org Regular

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    Kinda, I know my fair share of people who do it and succeed
     
  16. TheBolivianSniper

    TheBolivianSniper SS.org Regular

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    Double post but I wanna take this section to say I aspire to the level of off the wall that man above me shows
     
  17. TheBolivianSniper

    TheBolivianSniper SS.org Regular

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    Yeah I've been trying to, thanks for the advice for sure. I have one person I'm talking to but we have to work together on a giant project back at college and she also doesn't like to text so while I'm home it's up in the air. She's really great and whenever we get to be together in person it's always a good time but with how classes are and extended breaks/year gap (she's a year behind me and probably won't stay in the city for the summer) it makes it even more awkward.
     
  18. DrakkarTyrannis

    DrakkarTyrannis

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    I'mma just drop this bit of advice.

    Don't be that guy who uses social media to try to get women. It comes off as creepy. They will share your conversations with their friends and they will laugh at you. I've been in those laughing circles looking at inbox messages from guys several times.

    Just don't.
     
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  19. TheBolivianSniper

    TheBolivianSniper SS.org Regular

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    I will say I've never tried any of the weird shit or stupid lines, just basic conversation things and if someone doesn't want to talk or even get back to me more power to them. I found out the hard way people aren't another magical species because you find them attractive and before I actually took a good look at myself and relaxed I was totally that guy that got talked about. It's still a huge fear of mine and I might be too passive because of it.

    That is great advice though and really I haven't done much with it besides get some good advice on photography (which is great, I need pictures done). Thanks a bunch guys, I seriously appreciate it all.
     
  20. DrakkarTyrannis

    DrakkarTyrannis

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    If it happens naturally then sure. You CAN meet people on social media..but some people confuse Facebook with Fuckbook. That's not what it's for. If you try to look for dates on social media it's not likely to do well and you can guarantee that somewhere a girl is sharing your messages and unwanted pics with her friends and they are laughing. Don't be that dude.
     
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