SS Love and Relationships Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by SevenStringSam, Jun 17, 2010.

  1. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    in other news, just a recap from my previous entry regarding my personal life: my wife cheated. for 9 months, i was drowning in anger. met an old friend from highschool that i had a VERY strong feeling towards in highschool. hadn't talked in over 15 years, and all those emotions came running back. she helped me with my anger, and it allowed my wife and i to get closer and in a better place for a few months. During this time, my old highschool friend and i started getting a lot closer as well. we flirted, teased, and were in an emotional affair.

    key word being 'were'. during this time, someone asked her out. she tried sabotaging it with him for my sake, but i advised her against it, as I am super complicated to be with right now. as such, she started getting closer to him.

    during this time, i started triggering with EVERYTHING regarding my wife. The triggers had nothing to do with my old flame being with the other guy. Just, she was a great source of therapy for me to help me deal with my emotions. with her gone, my emotions are all over the place. I watch tv, trigger. I talk to my banker, asking about my spouse, trigger. the doctor asking if shes my wife, trigger. thinking about future, trigger. thinking about the past, trigger. reading about relationships, trigger. talking to friends about their relationships falling apart, trigger. thinking ahead at the age of 45, realizing i should have done something, and i'm screwed, trigger. thinking at the age of 90 thinking I should have done something, trigger. literally EVERYTHING is triggering me.

    as such, i asked my wife for a divorce. though its a bit complicated as we have two houses, one that wont be ready till next year, thus we cant sell it just yet. so need to see a lawyer to figure out how that will work. with that, my wife, soon to be ex, has been giving me silent treatment. I can be civil about this and maintain friendship ( i do have a healthy relationship with my ex, and can be friends, if the other person is mature enough). yet if shes being like this, doubt we will have any interaction once everything is finalized. i get it. i'm fine with it. i'm just emotionally checked out, and need to just stand up for myself. the thing is that the affair isn't even why i want out. the affair was the last nail on the coffin. i was already miserable for several reasons, and i just didn't realize that i was sabotaging myself in the process. i was constantly putting her needs before mine, and slowly just decimating myself in the process; till her depression started seeping into me. as an empath, i absorb their emotions more than mine, thus its a shitting situation to be in. i cant do that to myself any longer. she knows shes depressed and isnt' doing much to combat it. i get, depression is a heavy burden to take on, and every effort is significant. as in, for me, climbing stairs is no big deal, but for a depressed person, its like climbing a mountain. i get it. i just cant be there any longer for her during this.

    within a span of about 3 weeks or so, i lost my old flame, someone that I have actively tried seeking remnants of in every person i've ever come across since her, and have constantly failed. i'm also losing my wife, and will lose my financial security, and a future i envisioned.

    the strange thing is, i feel calm. its not sorrow. its not anger. its not jealousy. its not remorse, or despondence, or joy or anything. just calm. i dont fully trust it.

    for the time being, i am detoxing from my old flame. she has been kind of avoiding me since the other guy, and i get it. though i am hurt, i am genuinely happy for her, as she does deserve to be happy.

    and with covid giving me the chance to deal with my own emotions in a way i never have, and through the old flame, i now realize fully that i am a demisexual. i dont necessarily like titles, but this fits me so perfectly. i need emotional intelligence, emotional maturity, emotional availability, empathy, self awareness, consideration, emotional depth, and emotional intimacy first, before i become physical. though the old flame had most of those things, thus i was so heavily drawn to her, this also cripples me as well. in the hookup culture where everyone is so guarded constantly, and terrified of their own emotions, i'm not sure if i will truly find what i'm looking for. but in all honesty, i rather be alone than by with someone and feel lonely. i am perfectly fine being on my own.
     
  2. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I get what you're saying, and I am doing that. But open communication doesn't change the facts of the situation. I can be the most open person in the world, it's not going to unbreak anyone's leg. And roommate doesn't have the emotional maturity to take in that information and magically start holding up his end of the deal.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not oblivious to the ways I'm being taken advantage of - but this is still my friend, and the need is legitimate. It's a rock and hard place situation. The core of the issue right now is that roommate isn't holding up his end of the deal and it means huge risks are being taken. If there was no risk of permanent life-altering injury, then yeah, sure, I'd just say "deal with your own shit" and leave it at that. But that's not the case.
     
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  3. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    i'm glad to hear that. so long as you are aware, and aren't purposefully destroying yourself in the process. good on you!
     
  4. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    You can stick a title on it all you want, but realistically, I just read this as starting to understand what a relationship is supposed to be or can be. It's not a different or special thing to need maturity or emotional intelligence in a partnership -> that's how functioning long term monogamous relationships work. If you don't have that, then you don't really have a functioning partnership.

    I think it's progress to recognize what you want and need from other people. Don't kid yourself that it's something out of the ordinary though. Don't set yourself up for thinking that your wants or expectations are unreasonable or unusual.
     
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  5. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    though i do agree with that mindset, and its not something i'm doing to set myself up for failure. its just that though i've known that about myself, and though i've tried looking for that in others, i have yet to find that in people, with the exception of the oldflame from highschool.

    be it with friends, or coworkers, or partners, or whatever, i have yet to find that dept of emotions that i want from others. I like to believe I have all that, and I say that because others have told me that several times...thus, if I have it, i'm sure others should too...yet time and again, i keep falling short. people keep disappointing me, or are so terrified of their own emotions that they keep destroying themselves.

    its not even the dating rituals or games that i'm talking about here. I understand the physical attraction, but in all honesty, you can be the hottest person on earth, down on your knees, begging me to join you...but without that emotional understanding, i wouldn't budge. just not my thing.
     
  6. jco5055

    jco5055 SS.org Regular

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    reviving this with a question of "who was in the wrong":

    My gf and I went shopping for some Xmas gifts for friends/family, and one of the specialty stores is very popular, so with COVID there is quite a line as they are doing limited capacity.

    Now we decided to establish an accepted time to wait, 10-15 minutes, to see if we could get in, and if not we would leave and try to go to another store.

    Around ~half way through this wait, she started to verbally express her annoyance with the wait, which is fine, it isn't fun I know etc, but she was of the "no this is stupid, you KNOW we won't get in in time, let's just leave right now and quit wasting time etc" thing, and I told her I'm gonna wait until our established wait time is done, then we can just leave. And as luck had it, we did get to go inside.

    So after the shopping, she could tell I was a little quiet and such, and she asked me why, and I told her the truth of "I'm mildly upset at how you were extremely annoyed and wouldn't even give the waiting time a chance, were demanding we leave etc, can you at least apologize for being incorrect and try not to be this way in a similar situation next time". And now she is actually upset at me being annoyed at her actions and "I didn't make us actually leave the line."

    What say you SS? Am I being extremely petty/overreacting, or do I have a valid point and it's a little alarming how negatively she takes any calling out of less than ideal behavior? I even explained it to her of how she often calls out valid things I do, like putting something that is dirty and needs washed on the kitchen counter (hence the counter then needing disinfecting), and she always asks if she's being annoying when she does that, and I tell her truthfully no, as you called out something I did that was the wrong thing to do so I'll try to not do it in the future, but she doesn't seem to agree it's a similar thing.

    I sometimes am concerned how things like this in our relationship erupt, like in a similar situation with one of my siblings or a friend, said sibling or friend would just apologize and then we'd instantly be back to normal, but with us it seems to just linger. When it's the reverse (i'm in the wrong) I've already forgotten about it but she is one of those people (which I partly blame her being an only child, part just biology/genetics) where things as minor as like what color rug to buy she would get actively pissed if we went with one that isn't her preference, while I'm more of the "well I can say which I like better but I won't give a damn if we choose another one"... and she won't believe a person can care so little about most things haha.
     
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  7. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter ... drifting...

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    Neither one of you is "right or wrong" but the fact that you're providing here, other examples of similar instances as to what happened the other day, tells me that there is likely an underlying complexity of emotions and behaviors that needs to be addressed. You both need to communicate openly... with your offense and defense checked at he door. You need to not only speak openly but also genuinely listen to one another and if this relationship is going to continue healthily and productively, you'll need to continue listening to one another. That way when these kinds of situations happen, you both have the means to respect one another as you discuss it and move beyond it. It takes surprisingly little for resentment to take hold in most relationships so please make sure that you both communicate in a way that minimizes that risk.
     
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  8. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

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    I dunno, I've been with girls like that, and it ended up being very unpleasant.
     
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  9. jco5055

    jco5055 SS.org Regular

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    i think a big issue is that she has anxiety/emotional issues of the "actually go to therapy and am on medication kind", so I often have this internal battle of like "we have this disagreement/she's overreacting, but I can't tell her she's being unreasonable because she can't help it she actually has a medical issue".

    Also, I will admit that it is probably not good that while I am in general much more chill than the average person, and she's not, so she half the time doesn't believe me when I do the dishes by myself because she's busy that I have no resentment etc even though that's the truth; I do have the background of having both parents having bad tempers/being very emotional, with my father especially being the "definitely should be on medication" type, that I naturally retreat inside myself and try just to avoid talking/risking causing a blowup when a person is in a bad mood, hence why we have some communication issues. So even when she will be like "why didn't you tell me you were upset, I won't get mad" I have almost 30 years with my family experience telling me it's going to be a lie.
     
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2020
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  10. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I'm going to go completely the opposite direction with this one: It's actually a very simple, surface level situation, and both parties are in the wrong at the same time.

    She's wrong to to preemptively try to leave the line when you had agreed to stay - but you're also wrong to expect that calling it out is going to be well received. Most people don't like being criticized (even if they claim to take criticism well), and being in a relationship means people are extremely vulnerable to criticism by their partners. I don't see that as a "complex deep issue with the relationship" rather than just same kind of petty squabbles that happen in every relationship.

    I honestly see relationships being really similar to having roommates - and roommates are the worst. It's always a tradeoff. Sure, your rent is cheaper, but you're going to argue about inevitable lifestyle and scheduling differences, and who did the dishes last, and why didn't you tell me someone was coming over, and I told you I'd take the garbage out when I get home tomorrow, and I wish you wouldn't chew so loudly and how does any human being live in this way?! Dating is the same. Sure, you get companionship and intimacy, but you have to deal with petty arguments and vulnerability and there's a huge amount of compromise and concession involved.
     
  11. jco5055

    jco5055 SS.org Regular

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    I don't expect it to be well-received, but I would hope that with her being not happy about it she could at least apologize and acknowledge it's something she should try not to do (and again this wasn't just a normal "I'm annoyed", this was the anxiety etc taking hold of her and she's like a completely different person, like how we used to get our dad to promise he wouldn't freak if he missed a turn while driving on a long trip but then if he did he completely blew up)..I don't expect her to instantly fix the issue as I know it's an actual mental health issue she has, I just want to see her try to improve.

    Hell she went to an Iron Maiden concert with my brother and I, and I could tell she didn't enjoy it, and afterwards she said she didn't want to go to another metal concert with me and that was perfectly fine with me, I'd only have an issue with that if she was basically causing a scene by how much pouting/complaining she was doing. But also an issue is that with her anxiety is this need to be perfect, so if the roles were reversed concert wise she would legit be upset/mad at herself for "suggesting such a stupid idea" if I didn't love it, for her the perfect relationship is basically "we actively love doing everything together" and I've attempted many times to let her know it's perfectly fine if I want some alone time to engage in some hobby/watch some movie she wouldn't like, but she legit doesn't know what to do with herself if she is alone and just complains she's bored...I've had to modify my schedule for her as on the weekends I used to spend my mornings working on music stuff since I just wanted to get it over with so that I had an open schedule to be with her afterwards, since we don't have big plans in the morning anyways etc, but for her it felt like I didn't care about her if that's the first thing I did/she has internal battles of "i'm just in the way of his passions" because she's never dated or known anybody who actually had a real passion haha.

    Idk, I have noticed/been aware of the roommates aspect of relationships, and that's fine, I sure as hell am not a guy who would break up with someone after just one fight etc, but I have noticed that ours are always more charged, like deciding who takes the dog out becomes this 5 minute long ordeal (again I think because she doesn't believe me when I say I don't care if I do it most of the time, as I think if the tables were turned she'd definitely be mad if it wasn't 50/50 split)..so I can't tell if it's because I love/care about her so I'm more invested, or don't like seeing her upset and such? Or is that the same attitude on how straight up toxic relationships with abuse and such stay together when from the outside it seems obvious they need to breakup?
     
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  12. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I don't know how old you guys are but this sounds like normal relationship stuff to me. Not good normal stuff per-se, but still normal. The impression I get is that you're dating someone with either a lot of anxiety (which you've already said) and maybe not a lot of emotional maturity.

    I feel like if you're knowingly dating someone who struggles with anxiety, you would want to make more concessions for little things like this, not less. Giving someone shit for how they acted in a situation will raise anxiety, not lower it, regardless of who you're talking about - and you've already admitted that this is a person who doesn't respond well to anxiety. You should be looking for a way to lower the level of anxiety in the situation, not digging for apologies. If you can get everyone calm and happy, you might get that apology you want afterwards.

    And that's my point: relationships are, at least in part, about concessions. Maybe you're right about the specifics of the argument, but that's not important. IMO: Let it go. If you've already made your point about being upset with how things went, then you've done all you need/should do. When you take a small issue and refuse to drop it, things get worse, not better.

    I see you having two options:
    a) You recognize that things will never be perfect, but you get a lot out of the relationship, so you make room for more concessions, since in the long run the positives outweigh the negatives.
    b) The things that bother you are too meaningful to drop, and therefor there are more negatives than positives to the realationship, and you should give some reasonably serious thought as to whether or not you're ready to be in that relationship at the moment.

    If you read option b and thought "that's ridiculous", then I honestly think your best bet is to step back, breath, forgive that people are imperfect, and just move on past the little arguments. They're going to happen. And they're going to seem bigger than they are coming from someone you're close to.
     
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  13. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter ... drifting...

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    Obviously, arguments happen in every relationship and yep... sometimes one person is "wrong" and sometimes the other person is "wrong". And it kinda goes without saying that most people don't take criticism well. But I strongly disagree that this is an example of a simple disagreement. It seemed to me that there was more to the story and it seems now that there is, going by jco5055's follow up post. It's actually quite apparent.

    Obviously, some disagreements are quite simple in their origin and in their resolve. But just by him posting here, my gut feeling was that there is more to the story that might need to be addressed. Small things like this add up and they take their toll on a relationship when left unaddressed... especially when one part of the relationship seems to expend such a great deal of emotion in something that otherwise might be considered a simple disagreement.

    @TedEH...Your follow-up post shows that you recognize that there is some complexity with this, so... yeah, I definitely disagree that this is a simple issue.
     
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  14. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I'm not convinced so far that this isn't anything more complex than a squabble. Just because something bothers a person doesn't mean it's deep or complicated. It can be a very simple situation that happens to carry some weight for someone right now. Small things add up, definitely. But making mountains out of every molehill also adds up.

    What complexity am I missing here?
     
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  15. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter ... drifting...

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    The issue that sparked the disagreement is simple but:

    "So after the shopping, she could tell I was a little quiet and such, and she asked me why, and I told her the truth of "I'm mildly upset at how you were extremely annoyed and wouldn't even give the waiting time a chance, were demanding we leave etc, can you at least apologize for being incorrect and try not to be this way in a similar situation next time". And now she is actually upset at me being annoyed at her actions and "I didn't make us actually leave the line.""

    This right here tells me that there is an underlying emotional complexity taking place in this relationship. If this had been a simple normal disagreement then there wouldn't have been this level of hurt feelings, assumptions, or defensiveness. No... It didn't seemingly escalate any more than this but again... this is an indicator of underlying issues. And again... from the poster's additional accounts, it appears that this wasn't just a simple disagreement. That's all that I'm suggesting and I stick by what I said... especially given the guy's additional comments about this relationship.
     
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  16. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I don't know what kind of great relationships you've been in, but this sounds like a normal relationship squabble to me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I suppose we'll need to agree to disagree on that one.
    You might be giving people too much credit as far as not getting butthurt and defensive over small things. Some people just have low emotional intelligence/maturity. Some people make mountains out of molehills when it comes from someone close to them. You can call that a deeper issue if you want, but some people also aren't going to respond well to every argument being deconstructed and micro-analyzed - and that would be my concern with immediately jumping into armchair-internet-psychiatry mode. Sometimes a deeper issue isn't a deeper issue until you insist it's a deeper issue, and the deeper issue becomes making all small issues a deep issue.
     
  17. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter ... drifting...

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    Dude... I'm not going to argue with you. For me to feel the way that I do about the poster's situation doesn't translate to my current or past relationships being "great" or not. Sometimes it takes a little analyzing before answering someone's question and all I'm doing is suggesting that there may be something underlying ( which the dude pretty much verified). So what if my perspective is different from yours? 'Speculating' isn't 'insisting' so I don't really understand why you're micro-analyzing my response either. Not sure why you need to interject so much criticism towards me but my suggestions and opinions aimed at jco5055 certainly aren't intended to hurt his relationship regardless of whether this is an isolated incident or not. Maybe take a break from riding my ass about this. Cheers!
     
  18. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
     
  19. jco5055

    jco5055 SS.org Regular

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    thanks for the responses guys! I think the main "issue" for me is because she does have actual diagnosed anxiety etc, I definitely try to be understanding and am a lot more tolerant of stuff than I would be if she didn't have anxiety and instead it was just laziness in terms of not getting "better" in tense situations etc, but it's also hard for me to tell (and why I post here) at what points does my response vary from "oh you are being an asshole, no relationship has no arguments etc" all the way to "it doesn't matter if she has a diagnosed issue, that doesn't give them a free pass to do/be whatever and I just have to completely accept this if I love her" and such.

    It's just hard/confusing for me because 1) I don't have anxiety to any level where medical intervention is needed so I usually assume she can be rationally talked to when she has a moment, and 2)we are different people to the extent that I can either come off as an asshole or she thinks she is being one when there is no clarification since 99% of any situation (like taking the dog out) doesn't bother me at all if I do it more often than she does but she definitely would, so she thinks I'm bothered when I'm not, and I also in these situations think "a rational person wouldn't care so it didn't even register this could bother her" but it does so I look uncaring to her.
     
  20. DrakkarTyrannis

    DrakkarTyrannis

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    Reading these posts makes me thankful that I enjoy being single, refuse to bother with relationships, and my dislike of people keeps me away from them. Thank you ss.org
     
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