in other news, just a recap from my previous entry regarding my personal life: my wife cheated. for 9 months, i was drowning in anger. met an old friend from highschool that i had a VERY strong feeling towards in highschool. hadn't talked in over 15 years, and all those emotions came running back. she helped me with my anger, and it allowed my wife and i to get closer and in a better place for a few months. During this time, my old highschool friend and i started getting a lot closer as well. we flirted, teased, and were in an emotional affair. key word being 'were'. during this time, someone asked her out. she tried sabotaging it with him for my sake, but i advised her against it, as I am super complicated to be with right now. as such, she started getting closer to him. during this time, i started triggering with EVERYTHING regarding my wife. The triggers had nothing to do with my old flame being with the other guy. Just, she was a great source of therapy for me to help me deal with my emotions. with her gone, my emotions are all over the place. I watch tv, trigger. I talk to my banker, asking about my spouse, trigger. the doctor asking if shes my wife, trigger. thinking about future, trigger. thinking about the past, trigger. reading about relationships, trigger. talking to friends about their relationships falling apart, trigger. thinking ahead at the age of 45, realizing i should have done something, and i'm screwed, trigger. thinking at the age of 90 thinking I should have done something, trigger. literally EVERYTHING is triggering me. as such, i asked my wife for a divorce. though its a bit complicated as we have two houses, one that wont be ready till next year, thus we cant sell it just yet. so need to see a lawyer to figure out how that will work. with that, my wife, soon to be ex, has been giving me silent treatment. I can be civil about this and maintain friendship ( i do have a healthy relationship with my ex, and can be friends, if the other person is mature enough). yet if shes being like this, doubt we will have any interaction once everything is finalized. i get it. i'm fine with it. i'm just emotionally checked out, and need to just stand up for myself. the thing is that the affair isn't even why i want out. the affair was the last nail on the coffin. i was already miserable for several reasons, and i just didn't realize that i was sabotaging myself in the process. i was constantly putting her needs before mine, and slowly just decimating myself in the process; till her depression started seeping into me. as an empath, i absorb their emotions more than mine, thus its a shitting situation to be in. i cant do that to myself any longer. she knows shes depressed and isnt' doing much to combat it. i get, depression is a heavy burden to take on, and every effort is significant. as in, for me, climbing stairs is no big deal, but for a depressed person, its like climbing a mountain. i get it. i just cant be there any longer for her during this. within a span of about 3 weeks or so, i lost my old flame, someone that I have actively tried seeking remnants of in every person i've ever come across since her, and have constantly failed. i'm also losing my wife, and will lose my financial security, and a future i envisioned. the strange thing is, i feel calm. its not sorrow. its not anger. its not jealousy. its not remorse, or despondence, or joy or anything. just calm. i dont fully trust it. for the time being, i am detoxing from my old flame. she has been kind of avoiding me since the other guy, and i get it. though i am hurt, i am genuinely happy for her, as she does deserve to be happy. and with covid giving me the chance to deal with my own emotions in a way i never have, and through the old flame, i now realize fully that i am a demisexual. i dont necessarily like titles, but this fits me so perfectly. i need emotional intelligence, emotional maturity, emotional availability, empathy, self awareness, consideration, emotional depth, and emotional intimacy first, before i become physical. though the old flame had most of those things, thus i was so heavily drawn to her, this also cripples me as well. in the hookup culture where everyone is so guarded constantly, and terrified of their own emotions, i'm not sure if i will truly find what i'm looking for. but in all honesty, i rather be alone than by with someone and feel lonely. i am perfectly fine being on my own.