SS Love and Relationships Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by SevenStringSam, Jun 17, 2010.

  1. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    Nah, I believe him when he says it. It's not a good excuse, but I don't think he's lying. Of course, he can be that and lazy at the same time.

    But I mean, if you've never had a full time job before, of course you're not going to have any sense of responsibility.

    Don't get me wrong, dude's gone through some shiiiiit in the last year or so too. He technically "died" and was resuscitated about a year ago. Everyone over there has family issues and health issues and mental health issues etc etc etc. It's been a rough year.
     
  2. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

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    I dunno. If you can go camping, then you're likely not agoraphobic. Sounds like something he's convinced himself and others of so as not to have much in terms of responsibilities.

    Anyways, all of that sounds toxic as hell, and after the dog issue is sorted when she recovers, I'd ghost. I'd normally let someone know why I was no longer wanting to be their friend and/or interact with them, as I feel they have the right to know, but in this scenario, I'd say ghost them. The reason is because guilt tripping and possibly gaslighting could result, and I think it'd be better for you (your career, your sanity, your time) if you just stopped engaging.
     
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  3. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    That's basically the goal. We had gone about 7 months of pretty much not speaking at all, and the accident threw us back into it, just out of nowhere. I'm helping for as long as it takes for them to get most of their independence back, then I'm going right back to minding my own business.
     
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  4. cwhitey2

    cwhitey2 BlackendCrust Metalâ„¢

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    @TedEH I gotta give credit for being a great person, because I would have lasted about a week in your shoes and ghosted her ass.

    I usually have enough stuff already scheduled in my week that there is no room for what you are doing.
     
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  5. c7spheres

    c7spheres GuitArtist

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    @TedEH You're much more tolerant than I would be. If she's your ex and he's some dude then just be done with them. Throw the dog in her house, tell him to fuck off and leave. You don't have to say anything at all and it's not your problem. If you do say anything it should just be something to the effect of "not my probem." This goes for both of them. You've done more than enough.
    - I know you probably still have some freindship with these people but there's a point where you gotta put your foot down and stop being taken advantage of. You're being taken advantage of. Refuse to let the behavior continue.

    - I know that's a bit drastic and not gonna happen with people you care for (for whatever reason, sincerely) but keep in mind, and tell them both;
    "If I'm gonna help or provide anything then EVERYTHING WILL BE on MY terms. End of story." Say it just like that, imo. Make an "alpha" move if you have to. As cheesy as it may sound.
     
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  6. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    Realistically, you're mostly right, but the only one stepping over the bounds of what I'm willing to do to help right now is roommate guy. Ex is enough of a friend still that I don't mind helping out - roommate is definitely taking advantage. Ex is also arguably taking advantage at times, but she responds well when I express that a line has been crossed, and it generally doesn't happen again.
     
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  7. c7spheres

    c7spheres GuitArtist

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    Sounds like roomate guy is really the issue. If he's not responding to "stimuli" or "programming" then maybe (since he's got tenant rights I assume) you gotta make a more assertive action and you and your ex need to TELL him how it's gonna be. Meaning ultimatums and legalese, documentation etc, like he's just another adult citizen to be dealt with in a legal professional manner, and if/when he oversteps bounds do your thing.
     
  8. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    Absolutely

    I don't believe he does. He's not on the lease. He doesn't officially pay rent. I've tried to convince her she needs to boot him out, but it's easier said than done. It basically would be putting him on the street, since I have doubts his family would take him in (which is what arguably should happen).
     
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  9. Nicki

    Nicki SS.org Regular

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    Canadian rental act or whatever...

    Basically, you're right, if he's not on the lease, he has no tenant rights in terms of anything to do with the apartment, the lease, or the rental company. However, if there is a verbal agreement between the lease holder and a third party that the third party may live with the lease holder AND the address is considered the third party's primary address (on a driver's license or any other government issued ID), then I believe he does have tenant rights under the federal landlord and tenant act where the lease holder is considered to be "subletting" a part or all of the leased unit to the third party and is therefor considered his "landlord". With the current COVID pandemic, no landlord may evict a tenant.

    So she has to get him to either verbally agree or agree in writing that he leaves voluntarily.

    As for the dog, it might be worth reaching out to some facebook groups or friends if you know anyone who fosters animals and explain the situation to see if they'll take a temporary foster animal.
     
  10. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    It would be a bit early to look into the legality of it, since I don't think I could convince her to try to get him to leave anyway. That falls on the other side of the "things I'm going to make my business" line, outside of throwing the odd recommendation that way.

    For the dog.... It's again a matter of convincing, not that there are no options. I'm willing to watch the dog here, even off-and-on, I have the space, and honestly it's a great dog - but you'd have to twist some arms (some already injured arms, at that), to convince her to let the dog go for that long.

    Realistically, there's aren't difficult problems, just.... difficult people? It's drama. And the sooner it's either over, or not my business anymore, the better.
     
  11. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    @TedEH this is not my place to say, so take this with a grain of salt. but realistically speaking, you are the guardian of the dog. you are the caretaker. her owner doesn't care. its evident that she is using the dog for one reason or another.

    the dog should be yours. you take the dog, and the ex can handle her shit on her own, or hire someone to do groceries for her, but the dog should be taken out of that situation if she is being neglected and abused in the process. the dog does not deserve this one bit!



    (granted, i dont have a dog, thus my opinions on this vary drastically, but i dont want an animal being abused because of peoples negligence)
     
  12. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    It's unfortunately a bit messy and hard to get across, but there's not really negligence or neglect on the part of ex, who owns the dog. She's trying, but it just physically unable. For the last few days she's been basically just sucking it up and taking the dog out on her own anyway, since I can't always be there to do it. It's good but also bad at the same time. Good because the dog is back on a regular schedule, but also really bad because she's taking a huge risk every time. If another dog runs by and the dog runs to the end of the leash, she's physically incapable of restraining the dog. If the dog pulls her off her feet, she can completely destroy the work done on her knee, displace the hardware in there, and never be able to walk properly again.

    I offered to take the dog here, but it's hard to convince someone to be separated from their dog.
     
  13. MaxOfMetal

    MaxOfMetal Likes trem wankery. Super Moderator

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    Hey @TedEH have you spoken to any rescues or scout groups? In the US some offer temporary free, or just about free, dog walking services for those injured or too old. I'm not sure how covid would impact that, but personally I've done it multiple times for rescues that I foster with.
     
  14. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

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    Well, she can either go a few months with visitation on occasion, or she can possibly end up in a wheelchair.
     
  15. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I hadn't thought of that angle, but it's not a bad idea.

    In following with the theme, I can think of all kinds of push back I'd get for suggesting it, but it might be something I can work with. Or something I can just.... look into without asking first and present it once it's been figured out or something.

    People are messy. And stubborn. And exhausting. I appreciate the irony of wanting time to myself back in a time where most people are upset about being stuck inside on their own. :lol:

    She just got OUT of the wheelchair. :S
     
  16. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

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    I meant permanently.
     
  17. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    Yeah - I hear you. It's a real risk. The physio yesterday tore her a new one when they heard she was trying to walk a 70lbs dog on a rebuilt knee, with a bone disease, and having to crutch on a separated shoulder.
     
  18. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

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    Good. Someone needs to.
     
  19. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I kinda did the same just a minute ago. She texted saying roommate was leaving for a couple of days again and I got real blunt - "this isn't sustainable. It's not an if, it's a when something is going to go wrong. Something needs to be figured out."
     
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  20. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    @TedEH Though I understand and empathize with your predicament, as it is complicated, I do urge you to look into codependency coping methods. You may not be doing it on purpose, but it seems you are destroying/neglecting yourself at the expense of others.

    I only say that as a concerned person who also has extremely toxic codependency attributes, and has destroyed himself over and over again just to make others better. Please learn from my mistake, and make yourself a priority. you venting to us is great, and i appreciate all this, but you need to say all that is hurting you to those involved. open communication with them, and perhaps they will realize how big a burden they all are being on you.

    again, i understand that that may not be their intention, and they are stuck in a certain situation due to health, or whatever.

    but their burden shouldn't fall on your shoulders.
     
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