SS Love and Relationships Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by SevenStringSam, Jun 17, 2010.

  1. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    It's not like I shut them out or something, I just forgot a holiday and didn't feel like it mattered that much. I've always been a very independent person, and our lives have grown somewhat apart. To me, that seems like it should be perfectly acceptable.
     
  2. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter ... drifting...

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    If you ask 10 different people what their idea of a normal relationship is, you're going to likely receive 10 different answers. I'd emphasize that being so quick to slap that label on this very personal and unique relationship is not accurate. Besides that, "normal" does not necessarily equate to "acceptable". If there is an issue that is creating animosity or frustration with certain family members, then an outsider's input often isn't even applicable.
     
  3. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I'm wasn't sure who you directed that comment at for a moment - I forgot I still had some accounts ignored for the sake of some other threads. I do think there's some value in getting a general impression of whether or not my actions or views fall within the realm of normal or acceptable for people. It's certainly not an objective or black and white question, but most of the anecdotes (Cynic included) still paint a picture of the general range of expectations or acceptable responses to the situation.

    Don't get me wrong, I think I could have handled the feedback I got better/differently - but at the same time, between the lack of a close relationship and the fact that we've all been stuck inside without socializing and potentially not having a great time handling it, I didn't feel like it was an appropriate time to give me a hard time.

    It is what it is. I need not dwell on it.
     
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  4. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter ... drifting...

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    I'm sorry, TedEH. I was directing that at Cynical... I should've quoted it. Apologies. I def wasn't trying to be critical of your perspective... quite the contrary. I would've gone completely cuckoo throughout my relationship with my parents and sister had I allowed their blame ( for me moving far from home) to get to me. It did at times... especially with my sister b/c she was very vocal/ very ugly about it many times. But ultimately for my own mental health, I had to live my life for me... not them, despite the strain that it sometimes had on my relationship with them. Can't live to appease others. Dude, again... sorry for interjecting too much. Sincerely hope the best for you.
     
  5. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    No worries, I didn't take it as critical.
     
  6. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    I dont get this. On another forum decided solely on people surviving infidelity, a lot of others are saying that I am displaying textbook characteristics of a 'codependent'. In the sense that I always run to play the hero and try saving the world around me. In doing so, I neglect my own emotions. Though I do agree that that is me, what I dont agree with is the statement that the major issue with codependent people is that they 'love too much'.

    I dont understand how that is remotely possible, or how that is a bad thing, unless its smothering someone.

    Sure, I admit, if someone comes to seek my help, i will drop almost anything to help that person out. I maybe willing to destroy my well being, if it means that someone else can survive a better life. I'm not suicidal. I'm not self-sabotaging.

    Though I will admit that in me being this way, I have flexible boundaries, which allows me to have an insanely high tolerance to bullshit.

    apparently the solution to that is to be an asshole to people. I dont understand how that is a good thing. In a messed up world that we have, I would have assumed that compassion is the single thing we should have.
     
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  7. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    ^ I take it there's some missing context to that. I imagine that if someone called you codependent, then it was in reaction to something you did or said. I do think that there are lines people sometimes cross where they can bring some kind of harm to themselves in the name of helping or pleasing someone else - and to that I think there's a certain amount of expected or acceptable "selfishness" that people should live by, but that's mostly a personal philosophy.

    If there's no conflict, you're not being harmed, nobody else is being harmed, etc., then who is to say that you love too much or too little?
     
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  8. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    My message was in regards to something I posted back in December or January? In regards to my partner having an affair. It's 6 months out, and I'm just getting more and more hopeless and angry.

    But this isn't exactly the first time this has happened to me either. Though not an affair, I was never seen as good enough for people in my life. Thus I'm been digging deeper about what it is about me that that gets this result time and again?

    One of them, apparently is that I love and give too much of myself.

    That, I still don't fully understand. I do need therapy to deal with my hopelessness, prepetual disappointment, and anger. That may help me recover, ever so slightly? Maybe reconciliation? I'm not entirely sure what I'm looking for.
     
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  9. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    Aaaaah right. I don't remember anything from 6 months back. :lol:

    I didn't go back to re-read the context, and I certainly can't offer anything comparable to what a proper therapist could do, but my thinking has always been along the lines of affairs being pretty brutal business. I have no proof I've ever been cheated on, but even the possibility of it has been enough for me to call certain relationships off. In that situation, my gut reaction is to say make sure you're cutting yourself some slack when appropriate. It's not an easy situation, and I wouldn't expect anyone to just shrug it off gracefully. I would disagree with the idea of avoiding introspection, but instead suggest that you try to be careful that you're framing things in a way that's fair to yourself.

    If you remember the things I posted last October/November-ish, I think I was also in a situation where I was giving a lot and not getting much back. My biggest frustration at the time was the lack of willingness to meet me in the middle on a number of things. Once that whole thing was over, I tried a couple of times to meet new people and it never worked out. I got stuck in a "what if I actually can't do any better" kind of mentality for a while, and I don't think that's a good place to be in.

    The current situation of everyone being stuck indoors and unable to socialize also doesn't set us up to be able to handle this kind of introspection very well either.
     
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  10. Obsidian Soul

    Obsidian Soul SS.org Regular

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    I feel like I fit the bill for that,and that's why I keep people at bay. I lost my bestfriend of almost 6 years the beginning of this year because always take a mile when you give them an inch.
     
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  11. Church2224

    Church2224 Guitar Whore

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    So an update on to this situation...

    My girlfriend and I are talking again. From what it sounds like, she is really stressed with work, her family, and this whole virus thing. She told me she wants to see me again, and I am going to see her this weekend again, I miss the companionship.

    Glad it all worked out, thanks everyone.
     
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  12. Daemoniac

    Daemoniac Rivethead Magnate. Contributor

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    Well... in the eight years since I last really posted on here I managed to get hitched to the missus of 15 years. So that was fun.
     
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  13. cwhitey2

    cwhitey2 BlackendCrust Metalâ„¢

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    SO just a little update. We end up having a long talk, both of us discussed 'issues' and what not. I think the biggest issue has been the corona virus, which we mutually agreed upon.

    Also, her roommate moved out who IMO was a negative person and was effecting her emotionally. We ended up having a BBQ together on the weekend and it was a fantastic time. Basically just sat on the porch enjoying the weather, good beer and each others company.

    Hopefully things can stay in the direction they are headed, because she is a fantastic person and I could see spending my life with her.
     
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  14. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    I may be finding myself in some awkward positions.
    Backstory: 6 months ago (November), I found my wife was having an affair. I was devastated, angry, and my emotions were all over the place.
    now, most of my emotions are beginning to stabilize, but my anger is still there. I did kick her out of the house for a week in December, before Christmas holidays. And then again, most of January she was out of the house. I do want to kick her out of the house again and seek out a separation for a few months, however, with COVID-19, it is making things kind of impossible.

    Just to deal with my emotions, I was planning on visiting a therapist, however COVID-19 came in, and i'm restricted to online sessions. Did 2, and will start again in person after. May try for couples therapy.

    During this time, I'm finding a lot more about myself, which is kind of hard to imagine for myself. I've been living inside my head for well over 15 years, building myself up and improving everything about myself. The therapist did notice that I seem so self-aware, that she is having a hard time figuring out where to start. And that for better or worse, i'm not acting like normal betrayed people do in infidelities. For one, my self-confidence and self-esteem has gone unchanged. I know I am more than enough. I know I am worthy of love. Therefore, I seem to be doing much better than 'normal' cases.

    One thing that is obvious is that my boundaries are rather porous. I am the personality that will give everything away, even my foundation, to support other people. But I can no longer do that.

    As such, I need to kick her out and make her understand fully the damage she has done, and force her to work on all her issues inside of her. I am no longer catering to her insecurities and internal issues. I am no longer going to be there to help her with her internal bs. Up until she improves, I may very well be done with her. However, again, due to COVID-19, i'm stuck with her.

    But good thing is that i'm getting a better control over my emotions, and need to build myself up.

    Now, the potential tricky part. Recently, a friend from highschool messaged me out of the blue. We were never close in highschool, but all our friends were convinced that we are a couple, as we did have some similarities in our personality. She got married relatively young, moved out of the country, and I hadn't heard from her in over 15 years, and didn't think much of her beyond that.

    Now, she messaged to do some art collaborations (shes an artist/painter/sculptor/fashion designer etc, and I'm a photographer). We met up, and its surreal. Talking to her is like talking to a mirror. I do identify myself as an Empath, and also a Stoic that heavily follows through post-modernistic philosophy. I've never been able to relate to anyone as no one truly understands the hell I'm talking about, and no one really cares either. Yet, she does. All of it.

    As such, perhaps our friends in highschool were onto something. They may have sensed our similar aura and attitude to life, and coming back to this now, it seems in line.

    She ended a 10 year long marriage, and has taken several years to recover.

    And the banter is great, and she is super flirty as well. I haven't truly figured out if that is her actually flirting with me, or she has a flirtatious personality to begin with. But whatever, she seems pretty awesome. And I never seek validation from others, but with her, whatever weirdness that I am, are validated and affirmed through her. When I say mirror, I mean it! Its as if we are reading each others mind. Its super terrifying, and alluring, as I didn't come across anyone on the same page as me...until her.

    Now the issue I'm having is internally, the hell do I do? What am i holding onto? Why am I trying to hold onto something? My marriage? Is it worth salvaging? Do I want to salvage it? If this old highschool friend is genuine, should I be going through a revenge affair?

    I dont like the concept of using or abusing people. However, the plan is also not consistent, as if we do something, she will be moving out of the country shortly after Covid ends, so if anything, its a short term thing. If I'm separated from my wife, is it still considered cheating? Maybe open relationship? should I even act upon it? I do fully understand that I'm still not 100% emotionally, therefore, I could potentially be using her as a rebound, which I dont want to do. If there is any possibilities of her feeling like a 'homewrecker', I wouldn't want to go through with it either.

    I do like her company, so if anything, just staying as platonic friends is perfectly fine with me too. Do need to clear the air with her.
     
  15. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

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    I'd pursue that. Sounds like something worth pursuing over something that is like stepping on a glass lightbulb you dropped while trying to remove it, and have been stepping in because it is dark.
     
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  16. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I have no idea about any legal implications, but outside of that my :2c: based on what I vaguely remember from what you've said before:
    I don't remember all the details, but I was under the impression you guys were over. I would imagine you also feel that to be the case if you're currently trying to move on. I would personally ignore the legal status of marriage, and ignore whatever temporary living situation you might be in because of covid and evaluate that relationship purely on the basis of the relationship itself. If you act like you're just roommates at this point, then there's nothing to salvage and you should absolutely move on. If you still actively engage in a relationship - as in you have any remaining level of emotional or physical intimacy past being platonic towards eachother, then you have to decide if that's what you want.

    It's not an affair unless you are breaking someone's trust. Again ignoring the legal aspect, ask yourself if you are breaking any sort of social contract or expectations. If there's no expectation that you're attached, then don't worry yourself about it. Don't forget that this contract has already been violated by someone else. There's also no reason you can't dictate or negotiate the terms of your relationships with anyone - as in there's no relationship if you're not both on board. If you do feel attached, and want to change that - then change it. Just be honest and transparent with every party, and you're fine.

    That's a question only you and your wife (former wife?) can answer. If neither of you feels that it's cheating, then it's not. There's no outside obligation to stay attached to someone if you don't want to be.

    If you felt strongly enough to come here and post about it, then I think you should. Don't pass up an opportunity to connect with someone that you want to get to know for the sake of someone who has already betrayed you. Be honest, be transparent, be the best version of yourself that you can, and go do whatever you want to do.
     
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  17. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    I really dont want to expose people to more risk due to COVID-19, but I think I have no choice but to kick her out. Her family doens't know, and part of me doesn't want them to know the full extend(in the event we do manage to make things work, I dont want more people to hold it against her/us, though she may deserve it). So she can say whatever she wants to them, like maybe we are having marital issues, and leave it at that. that is her problem now, not mine. If I do kick her out, I dont think i'll have contact with her for a few weeks. Let her sort her shit out. May extend this to a few months, and see if there is any improvement on her part. Or rather, enough improvement to get to the level where I can rely on her.

    I'm just so tired of living as roommates, and as said above, physical intimacy is all but gone, mostly from me, as I cant trust her. Emotional intimacy is almost gone, but I have been running on fumes and trying to take care of her, along with my world is exhausting. I'm sick and tired of caring for people. And that small part of me that is saying that emotional intimacy is almost gone, i'm not sure if that is because I genuinely cant see humans in pain, thus I care for them...OR if I care for her as her husband.

    I'm just tired of being tired.


    BTW, SS.ORG folks, you are all awesome!
     
  18. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I recognize that the situation is not likely as clear-cut when you're living it, compared to what it might look like from the outside, but my :2c: is that you should be very clear-cut about what the state of that relationship is. Ignore the paperwork and simply decide strait up if you want to continue calling this a relationship. If you come to the conclusion that no, definitively, things are over, then I think that should be a concrete end to everything that goes with it. Anything more than platonic just ends at that point. You can still care and be platonic - I'm still willing to help out my exes if they need something - but there are limits. That's helping in terms of things like "I need a lift 'cause my car broke down", not helping in terms of whether or not they need to get their shit together. That's no longer your problem.

    I mean, I've dumped people over the suggestion of cheating, despite no cheating ever taking place (that I'm aware of). To me, once the established boundaries of a relationship start getting bent, you either fix the problem, or make it no longer your problem, and the faster it happens the better. Any half-way solution is no solution at all, and you may not get the rest and relief you're looking for without that conclusive solution.
     
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  19. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

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    I don't see any way this will be repaired, and as I told you via pm, this high school friend seems worth pursuing and if you two hit it off, finding a way to make it work. But your marriage is basically a bandaid you need to rip off.
     
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  20. Ordacleaphobia

    Ordacleaphobia Shameless Contrarian

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    no u
    [​IMG]
     
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