SS Love and Relationships Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by SevenStringSam, Jun 17, 2010.

  1. Church2224

    Church2224 Guitar Whore

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    Well....

    She just messaged me again. She said this whole Covid stuff combined with her family issues got her overwhelmed and she needed some space.... well sonovabitch.
     
    Last edited: May 8, 2020
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  2. cip 123

    cip 123 SS.org Regular

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    Hey man, going through some similar stuff. Met with someone after coming out of a friendship/relationship and we seemed to hit it off. Went on a date, texted everyday etc even when the Covid stuff happened.

    Things went a little patchy and they said they weren't feeling great mentally etc. But then one day they just stopped replying all together.

    It's hurt quite a bit, but I've been thinking a lot more about myself, and realising I really haven't given myself the time or thought to work on some personal things. If they need me they know where I am, otherwise it's been good to look at myself and look at things I should change about myself as I've been so focused on others and finding the right people etc.

    I dunno if any of that will help, but hope you can feel happy for yourself at least! Hope things work out!
     
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  3. cwhitey2

    cwhitey2 BlackendCrust Metal™

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    Well things with the girl i have been 'seeing' (look back a page or 2) aren't looking good at the moment. I mean there really could not have been a worse time to try and start a relationship.

    The past week has been really funky and not in a good way. We were supposed the hangout on 3 separate occasions and she has been giving me bullshit excuses to not hangout. Yesterday for me personally was the last straw. (Shes one of those that basically doesn't give you a straight answer).

    Tomorrow we are supposed to hangout and "talk". I pretty much now it will be the end of our relationship. Im ok with that, but i know she will want to stay friends...i dont do that, as childish as it sounds, for personal reasons.

    I poured my heart into this relationship and i just feel like i have been used and manipulated the whole time...

    The situation sucks and i just need to vent.
     
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  4. broj15

    broj15 SS.org Regular

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    I totally understand this sentiment. I really don't understand why certain people have this notion that emotional distance/ "no contact" with an ex is this super selfish, "toxic thing to do to a person". Everyone deals with loss and processes emotions differently, and for me, and I'm sure lots of others out there I feel like a clean break is always best for everyone involved. Doesn't have to mean it stays that way forever, but I'm the type of person where i have a much easier time "getting over" someone if I don't still make a place that person in my life, whether that be platonic or otherwise.

    That whole idea really strikes a nerve for me. When I've broken up/been broken up with I've always maintained that no contact is what's best for me and I always get responses about how cold and uncaring that is, or how if I can't stay friends with an ex then that MUST mean that I "only valued the other person for what I got from them romantically and/or sexually".... And being told that repeatedly simply for coping in the way that works best for me has wound up being really damaging long term, to the point of where I seriously wonder if I actually AM a terrible person.

    I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation, especially right now with everything else going on. Before all this I was starting to get a bit lonely/ready to get back into the dating scene and I'm so glad that never went anywhere, cuz I know I couldn't deal with having to keep track of someone else's emotions in addition to my own through all this mess.
     
  5. cwhitey2

    cwhitey2 BlackendCrust Metal™

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    Thank you for your response!

    At the end of the day, I need to do what's best for me, even if people think im shitty for how i do it. Like you said, everyone handles loss differently and if thats how i handle it, she needs to accept that.

    We may not even break up, she could totally pull her head out of her ass...but my gut is usually never wrong.
     
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  6. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter ... drifting...

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    I've never had an easy time "trying" to stay friends. There's just too much potential for further heartache and/ or resentment.. not healthy unless someone's able to manage it without issue. Always good for the mind and soul to be able to accept that the other person simply isn't in the same place as you are. So hard sometimes depending on the depth of the feelings but we gotta be able to function properly and not disregard the rest of the world around us ( job, friends, family, health, life.. ).
     
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  7. cwhitey2

    cwhitey2 BlackendCrust Metal™

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    This basically sums everything that I feel about 'being friends'.

    It's probably the most unhealthy thing mentally and emotionally that I could do for myself.

    But I'm also working OT this week so I doubt I will even have the conversation anytime soon.
     
  8. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    IMO, you can't "try" to be friends, you either are or you aren't. (Something something star wars joke) And in some cases, you won't be for a while but will be able to return to it. I'm still at least friendly with most of my exes, but it's not forced. Distance can be very healthy after any kind of separation.
     
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  9. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    Here's a weird one. Not a dating thing, but it's still about relationships in a different sense of the word. I'm a bit annoyed this morning, but I can't tell if it's reasonable to be or not. I got a message this morning from my sister guilting me for having not contacted my parents over the weekend (it was mothers day). On one hand, I don't have that good of an excuse, but on the other hand I don't feel like I need one.

    I don't have the same relationship with my parents as many do. We don't have common interests or common ground. There's not really anything to speak about when we do talk. We're mostly uninvolved in eachothers lives. I think they've maybe visited my place once or twice in the last couple of years. I see them on christmas and other holidays the same way you would a random aunt or uncle or cousin. On some level, I know that I (almost unconsciously) avoid talking to them too much because 90% of our conversations are about me being given grief for not talking to them much. That's it. That's the extent of our relationship.

    On the basis of not being very close, and me not putting much stock into holidays like that, I just didn't think about it. It wasn't on my mind. It's not malicious, there's no conflict, there's no argument, I'm just not close to them, and I'm ok with that.

    But they get angry at me for not having this connection. This morning's messages were full of "you should know better, I shouldn't have to tel you" kind of guilt language, and this just makes me less want to engage.

    So, internet people, I leave it to you to judge, am I an asshole, or is it fine to just not have that kind of relationship with family? Am I right to be annoyed?
     
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  10. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    I can relate to this. I feel like I raised myself up as a kid, as my parents were always busy with their work. Though it is evident that they love me, and think highly of me, and want me around at all aspects of life; I, on the other hand, dont feel the same. Part of this is cultural difference (They are very Pakistani, Muslim etc, where as I am very Canadian, and Feminist, and more spiritual than religious...thats off topic though). Part of the difference also comes from generational gap, where try as I might, they will never understand, and I can no longer be bothered with it.

    As such, I stopped trying. I still care for them, and do wish them well. Though they live just 5 minutes away from me, I still barely see them. Or rather, I think I see them often, but they think its "once a decade".

    My sister is also on my case about making an active effort. Though, like you, I dont have anything to talk to them about. They dismiss my ideas and thoughts, thus I have nothing in common with them.

    I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about this. Its just familial squabble that is somewhat petty. Live and let live. If you feel guilty, and want to have a stronger connection, then you could always fake a relationship and talk about how puffy the clouds are, and carry that conversation all weekend long, if you must. Or, you do what makes you happy and brings you joy.

    live and let live.
     
  11. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I just can't stand the drama. I have no interest in pretending the relationship is something it isn't, and I don't appreciate being guilted about it or spoken to like a child. I didn't actively choose to ignore them, it just wasn't on my mind. I know very well that as soon as I "make the effort" it's going to be 80% conversations about how I don't make the effort, and 20% the weather, etc. Visiting them usually means sitting silently on the couch while they watch tv. All of the above is just unpleasant to me.

    Maybe I'm an asshole (I probably am, at least a bit, on some level), but I think a relationship needs to be built, you don't just get it by default.
     
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  12. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter ... drifting...

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    Well for me, it was this or abalone/ corona 2020 so... here I am.

    There's such a complexity of factors with parental relationships, it's not something that someone outside of that situation can succinctly render an accurate opinion about. But as some random internet dude... Your feelings are completely understandable and from another perspective, so are your sisters feelings. The bigger picture regarding parents is not "common ground/ shared interests". It's much more extensive than that. If any repair or healthy progression is to ever happen, all parties must be able to genuinely put themselves in the others shoes. Blame, guilt, and passive-aggressiveness can quickly erode any positive steps so this needs to be an ongoing consideration for both sides. Sadly... there is little that can be done to mend these kinds of estranged relationships without a great deal of empathy and commitment from all involved.

    So given all of that... No, you're not at fault. But keep in mind that your sister and your parents are not necessarily at fault either. Are you being an asshole in this particular instance? Only you can accurately answer that as such a distinctively narrow word and highly subjective. Again... there's a lot of depth to this and multiple parties involved. It's not something that someone outside of this situation can easily surmise.
     
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  13. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    well said in regards to a relationship needing building, rather than being presented to you. I wont call you an asshole, as its evident that you both are on different pages. We all cant have the exact expectations of life, and continue growing accordingly.

    If it brings you joy, then do it. If it doesn't, then dont. Keep in mind, that even if it doesn't bring you joy, but their reaction to you being there brings you joy, then that is something really different.
     
  14. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I suppose the question that can be answered hypothetically by anyone on the internet would be:
    Is a biological connection enough basis to assume any level of relationship? Is it fair/unusual/problematic/anything to just be ok with the estrangement? I don't know if estrangement is the right word, but it's the closest word I have.
     
  15. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    to combat that, the old saying of "blood is thicker than water" stands out, indicating that family is all that should matter at the end of the day.

    however, given how complex humans are, and their emotions, and mental state, blood should not be the only thing that matters. There is a reason why toxic people exist. You may be toxic. They may be toxic. It makes no real sense (to me) to hold onto a toxic relationship (I should listen to my own advice...really) as its poisoning the good parts of that relationship accordingly.

    from a different perspective, if you are to take biological relationships as an organic being: in the event your hand is going gangrene, and is now posing a risk to the rest of the body, would you keep that hand, or amputate it to give the rest of the body a chance at survival?

    from an emotional perspective, if they are helping you grow, and you are helping them grow, then carry on. If nothing is happening, and you feel guilty, then do something about it. If nothing is happening, and you dont feel guilty, then that should be your answer. Do what feels right to you.
     
  16. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    Sure, it's a common phrase, but that doesn't mean it's rooted in truth. There must be a word for that as a fallacy - like an appeal to good-sounding metaphors. It sounds great, but in practice doesn't necessarily mean anything.

    You could arguably take the metaphor farther - maybe family doesn't mean literal family, it could be whoever you have established as your closest relationships (which is usually family).

    It strikes me as narrow to treat is as a rule though. I see no reason that family can't just be a plain casual relationship. There's no real conflict here - I don't dislike them, we don't fight over things, they just don't play a big role in my life anymore, so I act accordingly. It's not malicious; it's barely intentional.

    The part that bothers me is being spoken to as if I've committed some terrible act against someone for not engaging in a family I don't feel that close to.
     
  17. MFB

    MFB SS.org Regular

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    That's also the supposedly shortened version of the phrase while the full version if "blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb," so in fact, family doesn't win over friends that you choose just because they are your family. I have no clue if that's the actual full quote from the Bible, but just something to think about.

    I'm at the point where I have no idea what my brother and his family are up to in AZ, and I truly don't care because I know he's not thinking about us, so why should I waste my energy; he left as soon as he could and didn't look back, why would I want to have a relationship with someone like that? I let him have his life and I have mine.
     
  18. bostjan

    bostjan MicroMetal Contributor

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    I was really blessed in that regard. My dad was always really cool and my mom, even though she can be tough, is not the much older than me. We always shared similar music and film tastes, at least. I went through a stretch of time in my late 20's and early 30's, when I simply was too busy to call regularly.

    My brother, on the other hand... I don't want to open that can of worms. Suffice it to say that I love him very much and respect him, and, weirdly, we have way too much in common, but for really stupid-sounding reasons, I just can't seem to bring myself to every pick up the phone to talk to him.
     
  19. broj15

    broj15 SS.org Regular

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    It's hard to say. Perhaps I'm biased because my parents have always been the best I could ask for. They always worked alot when I was younger and left a good portion of raising me and my sister with our grandma, but I never resented them for that. If anything I'm grateful for the relationship with my grandma that maybe I wouldn't have had if my parents hadn't always been so busy working to adequately support our family.

    It really is a complex issue and it is hard to judge from an outsider's perspective, but even if me and my parents didn't have common interests or don't see eye to eye on some stuff (They're very traditional Midwestern people and I most certainly am not) I still don't think I could shut them out of my life, or just cast them off. To put it bluntly, at the very least they gave enough of a shit to make sure I stayed alive and didn't go hungry for a solid 20 years, and I'm sure they made some personal sacrifices to do it.

    I feel like unless one or both of your parents were just straight up abusive/manipulative (keeping in mind that they're people too and everyone has bad days) or they were completely absent from your life, then I feel like a 15 minute phone call on mother's/father's day & birthdays isn't to much to ask of anyone.

    Once again though, relationships, especially with parents are incredibly complex and as an outsider I'm definitely not judging you or anyone else.
     
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  20. Cynicanal

    Cynicanal SS.org Regular

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    What you've described isn't even close to "estrangement". It's a pretty normal level of contact with your folks TBH. If you're seeing them on holidays and they're even visiting you once every couple of years or so, that's a lot more contact than I have with my folks (it's not uncommon for me to go years without talking to my parents). This is normal; you are no longer a child, and have a life outside of them now.
     

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