SS Love and Relationships Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by SevenStringSam, Jun 17, 2010.

  1. Millul

    Millul SS.org Regular

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    Man, I'm 36 in a few months and I haven't given up!
    Haven't felt the butterflies in a LOOONG time myself, definitely hope everything goes well for you with this one!
     
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  2. cwhitey2

    cwhitey2 BlackendCrust Metal™

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    Thanks guys! :hug: So Friday went fantastic! I had to go out of town Sat for work, but we hung out last night. Watched Step Brothers :lol: She said she hated Will Ferrell, but was willing to give it a shot and she thoroughly enjoyed it. After the movie we sat there and talked for about another 3 hours while listening to Explosions in the Sky (she like music I like, winning). We are both horrible at reading body language so we couldn't read each other signals :lol: :wallbash:, but I just flat out told her I wanted to kiss her and her reaction was "I didn't think you were into me/why did it take you so long" :lol: ). So needless to say I had one of the best weekends I have had in years.

    I think I might need to go to a doctor to have them look at my heart palpitations now :lol:
     
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  3. cwhitey2

    cwhitey2 BlackendCrust Metal™

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    I figured I would give the couple of you that care an update :lol:

    Since my last post everything has been going great! Almost like it's a dream...it's a weird feeling that I'm not used to, but I like it. We hang out 2-4 times a week depending on schedules. She's so easy to be around and it's awesome. We have way to much in common, but that's nice. One of my big things is craft beer (I work part-time for a local brewery). She's into beer, so that's huge for me since it's part of my daily life. The only thing we don't have in common is a love for metal :lol: no surprise there really, but she appreciates instrumental music which is AWESOME, because other than metal that's all I listen to.

    It's just finally nice to meet someone and not have to feel like you're faking it or lying to yourself to make it work. Our relationship just works.
     
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  4. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter ... drifting...

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    So cool, brother! Music doesn't matter in the least. Puke-pop type stuff for my wife and doom/ metal/ psychedelic for me. What's really cool though is when we discover something that we BOTH like... and that happens more often than I ever would've thought going into this relationship. That's what I love about music.. so many bands and styles and genres that eventually you discover some overlap or bridge that creates even more of an unexpected bond in the relationship. Really happy to hear the positivity of your update.
     
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  5. cwhitey2

    cwhitey2 BlackendCrust Metal™

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    Exactly and thank you!

    Food is another BIG one. I'm extremely open to food and so is she. I know so many people who refuse to get out of their little comfort zone box of food and it's so sad. There are so great things to eat in this world :lol:


    I feel like things are actually starting to fall into place in my life instead of fall apart hahaha
     
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  6. p0ke

    p0ke 7-string guitard

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    Yeah, you definitely don't need to like the same music for a relationship to work. My wife can't stand metal and I can't stand some of the stuff she likes, but there's a middle ground with stuff we both like. And I guess we're both slowly learning to live with each other's music too :)
     
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  7. Ordacleaphobia

    Ordacleaphobia Shameless Contrarian

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    Welp, my one-itis ex just messaged me after a year of silence to tell me she got engaged last month.
    Kind of incredible considering we were together for the better part of 5 years and she always had commitment issues, and assuming she got with this guy the day after we separated, it'd be almost a year for them now.

    Circumstances behind the split were too complicated and personal to get into here, but tl;dr is that neither of us wanted to split but we kind of were forced to. I thought I had accepted that things were over and done with and that it was inevitable that she was going to go out and find someone that wasn't me to make her happy, but goddamn this cuts deep.
     
  8. MFB

    MFB SS.org Regular

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    I don't know what kind of person she is, but as a non-involved third party, that sounds like a really weird, bordering on malicious/spiteful thing to do
     
  9. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

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    Ehhh. I highly suggest getting tested at some point, dude. Regardless of whether sex was considered "safe" or not. That sounds fishy as hell, and sounds like a "hint hint, nudge nudge" way of saying she was cheating. That is horrible, and I don't get why she'd message you out of the blue to gloat like that other than to be a see you next Tuesday.
     
  10. Ordacleaphobia

    Ordacleaphobia Shameless Contrarian

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    Yeah, I'm kind of perplexed too.
    I've tried talking with her further about just general catching up stuff, but she doesn't seem to care. It totally feels like that's the main reason she reached out, and she almost seems irritated that I didn't really want to talk about it.
    She'll go tit-for-tat with the best of 'em and can be a real savage (one of the things I loved about her), but was never the type to hurt someone just because she can.
     
  11. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    considering the lock down, i hope you all are doing well, and are not trapped in the house with an abusive partner (same applies to your partner, if you are abusive).

    and i wonder how folks in long-distance relationships are doing currently. Maybe its 'business as usual' for them as they barely see each other anyways?

    I can imagine that this lockdown will be hard on a lot of relationships. I'm also hearing a drastic rise in divorces in China after the lockdown was lifted. Guess people were forced to communicate and realize that they aren't good with each other?




    just an update from my situation from a few months back. I'm hanging in there. i'm not in a bad shape anymore. I'm still with her currently. Have considered divorce, but will put that on pause for a bit. I want to try couples therapy for a bit, and if that still doesn't help, then i'll bail. currently i feel like i'm living with a friend (which is good), but not a partner. obviously i cant trust her currently.
     
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2020
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  12. Church2224

    Church2224 Guitar Whore

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    I posted the info from this in the "Why are you sad" Thread. But some advice would be appreciated...

    A few months ago, at a corporate event, I met this gorgeous young woman who I really hit if off with from the get go. She worked at another branch of the company about an hour and a half away from where I live, and we started talking. One day she says "I feel like we did not get to know each other enough when we met" so I went up to where she lives and took her out to dinner and we got to know each other more and it turns out we had a lot in common, and got along pretty well, she even said she wanted to see me again, so I started seeing her on a regular basis. And despite the country locking down around that time, things were going well.

    I was going up to her apartment every weekend from then on out and spent time with her, and we planned and fantasized about what we would do once the country opened back up. We texted each other each morning, call each other each night, ect. Things were going really and I thought I finally caught a break.

    Well one day before I was going up there she told me her grandmother got cancer. I still went up to see her and spent the night there, she even made me dinner and I think that time together helped us cope with everything going on as I was trying to do a lot at work and my own business ass well. Well that was the last time I saw her. She was seeing her family every weekend and going back home to help her family. We were still talking to each other and made plans to see each other but she cancelled. She seemed to be getting more and more tired and stressed as time went on, too.

    Well last Monday her grandmother had surgery to remove the cancer, I tried calling her and I got one message that everything was alright, and that was it. I waited a few days to call her, no response, and texted her last Friday to see if she wanted to catch up and still nothing, and I still have not heard anything.

    I am trying to wrap my head around all of this and why she would just disappear all of a sudden. Things seemed to be going so well, and then abruptly end....Can some one explain to me what might have happened and what I should so with this? Thank you so much. To be honest, it was nice for the first time in a while to have some one and it go so well, for it to end like this, well, it kind of hurts...
     
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  13. MFB

    MFB SS.org Regular

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    Despite how close you guys may have gotten, she most likely didn't go in to the full depths of her relationship with her grandmother and this is most likely more hitting as a wake up call like the death of a parent/paternal figure than someone who just knows their grandparents as "my parent's parents." I know my ex (using that term very loosely) had a tattoo for her grandfather after he passed as they were very close, and same with my former roommate's girlfriend - her mom passed right as they were about a month in, and he told her flat out "I'm not expecting anything from you given everything that's happening, take the time you need, etc..." as he went through it about a year prior, and I flat out shut down when my dad passed. I didn't care to do anything, talk to anyone, I didn't want to eat, I was basically willing to die just to have that pain of losing someone be over, because they're a huge figure in our lives.

    Don't think of it as over, or that you're "on a break", she may legitimately be wanting to say something but is in such a hole that climbing out to do that is insurmountable; and if that's the case and you ask on top of that because then you start worrying about getting nothing (for the right reasons), it becomes a cycle of guilt and the hole just gets deeper to the point where you wonder if it's even worth climbing out. It's textbook depression.

    edit: forgot a key phrase
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2020
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  14. c7spheres

    c7spheres GuitArtist

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    @Church2224 It seems like you two hit it off well. I'd just let her know you're there for her and that you don't want her to feel pestered about anything while she goes through all this, but that you are here and will be there for her if she wants to talk or anything. Then I'd maybe give her some space. It's not about you or you two. It's about her and her grandma and getting her well. I think everythign your doing is just perfect. Giving her space but being there still etc.
     
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  15. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter ... drifting...

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    You can ponder all you want... and others can make suggestions. But this ball is not in your court. It's hard as hell... it truly is, but until you and she communicate again, you're gonna have to be okay by yourself and get on with day to day life. It's painful as hell! It hurts like crazy! But again... unless or until she reaches out to you again, there is nothing that you can do. Pondering or seeking opinions will do absolutely nothing to help. One day at a time, brother. That truly is the only way that you're going to be able to gain peace of mind again. You've already reached out to her and have showed her support... several times. Please be sure not to continue trying to contact her. That will only present itself as desperation rather than support. I understand that's not what you were inquiring about here in this thread but I just felt it might be worth reiterating.

    Healthy people are drawn much more towards others that possess emotional strength and stability... even more so in the beginning stages of a relationship. Even if you don't feel too strong or stable atm due to her seeming change of heart... "If things are meant to be, then they will be". It may not be in the time-frame that you're wanting but by you respecting her space, you are subsequently showing her that you have compassion and appreciation for her as an individual. That will make her much more likely to reach out to you again. And if she decides not to, then you will still have become a stronger and more stable person which will benefit the health of any future relationships as well as defining your character. What I'm suggesting is that as important as it is to respect her space, it is equally important that you process this in a way that minimizes obsessing over "why". Regardless of her grandmother, the lock-down, etc... please don't allow yourself to continue to be consumed with this. And yes... I know how ridiculous that sounds as it's so hard to achieve... I get it.

    Anyway... if you're going to have any chance of continuing on a healthy path with her, you will need to sit this out for as long as she needs and/ or for as long as you're willing. The "why's?" will eat you alive, man... no joke. Don't do that to yourself. Take small steps each day to accept what you honestly cannot change.
     
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  16. c7spheres

    c7spheres GuitArtist

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    It's too bad that most people can't seem to reciprocate more. To me it's just basic respect and it's a shame more people don't have it. She's obviously wrapped up in stuff and doesn't feel like or have time to talk, but what people don't realize is that it means the world to people if they would just send a quick text saying something to the effect of "thanks for thinking about me and grandma and being there for us. I'll get in touch when I can or need to but I don't know when that will be. I need some space right now, thanks for understanding. I'll be in touch when I'm ready." You know, something like that goes a long way to not screw with people's head and emotions and it's so easy to do. Someone could literally do it while taking a shit, so the no time excuse don't cut it. Just saying I'm sick of people being like this. Sorry. End of rant.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2020
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  17. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter ... drifting...

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    Absolutely agree ^^^. I hate seeing good people with sincere intentions get strung along or disregarded. I do think that it's best to give people the benefit of the doubt and not jump to conclusions. But it sure makes it hard to move on, wait, etc... when there's no communication. Church 2224 has obviously treated this girl decently and I hate that now he's having to wonder what's up due to her abrupt disconnect. Sucks... and hurts so bad when your starting to fall for someone. I indeed feel for him.
     
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  18. Church2224

    Church2224 Guitar Whore

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    I appreciate the support guys, it means a lot. After an afternoon of working, mowing my lawn, getting hydrated, and getting my head on clearer I feel much better. Reason I posted this is this morning I woke up after having a dream about this issue and nearly had an anxiety attack about this issue, and I thought I had been coping with it well.

    Here are a few things to add on to the original point -

    Two issues coming to mind now I have my head on straight. The first is she had been coming out of a previous relationship that had lasted for 5 years and she was engaged to the guy. It was not the "Best" relationship, from what she told me. That ended about a year ago and part of me thinks she has not fully passed it. She also has some medical issues of her own, both physiological and psychological, stating that she had not been getting the support she needed from her therapist and possibly even medication. Also surgeries she needed were being put off because of the virus. Multiple times she said "With all of my problems are you sure you want to be with me? Most guys usually don't" Well, I thought I was being supportive, as I had some bad relationships, depression and struggle with being on the Autism Spectrum, however I think I was ignoring a few big red flags from the get go and at the same time, I understand under the world's circumstances, she has a lot on her plate.

    Also we both work in the commercial landscaping industry. This is a very busy time of year for our line of work in our regions. The last few times I called and talked to her, she was exhausted and nowhere near as energetic as before. She even told me she was driving back to her folks' place back and forth every day, which is an hour away from her place...

    I think you hit the nail on the head right here. She is very close with her family and I know it has to be rough with some one getting sick like this.

    I think what you have said has connect with me the most my friend. I appreciate the support, and I have not tried to contact her at all at this point. I am just going to wait it out to see what happens. One thing you are right about is a character flaw I know I have, which is trying to get opinions and wondering "Why." I have done this way too many times and it has driven me insane. Not just with dating but with life in general. Something that when I started going to AA I had a hard time dealing with.

    I appreciate everyone's input. It is just hard as this was the first real connection I have made with some one in I would say three years. I have dated and been intimate with a few other women in the meantime, but never made a true connection with some one. And this girl was very beautiful and came onto me stronger than I had anticipated. I am not going to ruminate too much more on this, as I just need a place to vent and get this out of my system before I go grabbing a bottle of whiskey and my 1911....lol... but I appreciate the love and support. A few of my good friends have contacted me when they heard about this too, and extended their support. It was good to hear from them again.
     
    Last edited: May 6, 2020
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  19. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter ... drifting...

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    Well dude, the day by day helps the most but yeah... support really fills in the gaps along the way too. Seems like you've got a pretty good handle on things. Our perspective gets so warped when we allow complete despair to consume us. It eats away ta the heart and begins to effect the mind. I was complete shit to my sister, my best bud, coworkers, etc when I wasn't able to distance myself from certain situations. I promise you I've been exactly where you are... several times.

    My prob worst heart-break was a bit of a different situation... well over a year invested and discovered a whole slew of dishonesty on a pretty insane level. I was completely head-over-heels in love and we were actually talking marriage at that point. But I had to end it. Probably the roughest ending I've been thru and ironically I was the one that made it happen lol. I was destroyed but my will move on from it finally took over ( day by day/ little help from my friends/ needed to pay rent and eat lol). Several months after I had put some serious healing between she and I, she started contacting me again. But my heart and mind working together, wouldn't allow me to reply to her. I was so much stronger emotionally/ mentally that opening the wound again wasn't even an option. Also the pain that she had inflicted, eventually killed off any desire to ever correspond with her again. What a difference a little time and support can have!

    You got this, brother... for sure! Please update if/ when you want.
     
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  20. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    If I may jump in, this lockdown is emotionally taxing on everyone, and it is impacting us differently. For one, it may be everything they wished for, and they are thriving. For others, its horrible and will keep getting worse. As such, I strongly urge you not to take it to heart if someone says/does something that is out of their character (to as much as you know of them).

    What I'm saying is that, in Church's experience above, if someone is acting differently all of a sudden, he may not have done anything wrong to upset her. Its just a combination of things (family, lockdown, cancer, distance, uncertainty, covid hitting home, etc) can have a huge impact on someones way of thinking, that we not be so privy to.

    I mean, you wouldn't take it personally if your partner/friend/ex said something while they were hungry (or hangry?), would you? As such, let people be. This lockdown is putting a strain on us all, and we all are reacting to it differently. We all have to put a lot of things on pause (like relationships/feelings/conversations/etc). Till things get better.







    on that note, I'm also losing faith in humanity. I'm just not seeing the goodness in humanity as a whole. From its birth, to its ultimate demise, we, as species, seem so hell bent to make other peoples lives so miserable, and we seem to lack compassion and respect for the most basic of things. This could very well just be the lockdown talking, but I'm just having a hard time thinking of any relationship that has graced my way (family, friends, exes, movies, shows, books, co-workers etc), each being so fundamentally broken and flawed. Makes me wonder as to how people keep on keeping, and staying strong and true to themselves. I'm disheartened and not really seeing the point of love anymore.

    again, this could very well be the lockdown bringing nihilism in me, even though I was never a nihilistic individual prior to my partner destroying me.
     

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