SS Love and Relationships Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by SevenStringSam, Jun 17, 2010.

  1. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    Yeh, I think there's definitely a lesson here that I just need to chill a bit sometimes. I'm so used to being very connected to everything - my phone is always on, and on me. I'm very reachable. It's not reaaaaally reasonable to expect everyone to be the same.
     
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  2. Kwert

    Kwert SS.org Regular

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    I was very much the same way for quite some time (and still get a bit iffy every now and again). If someone didn't respond within an hour I would start to get super anxious, and 95% of the time it was just in my own head. It's easier to just chill and let someone respond at their own pace, but it takes a bit of time to get used to doing that. Like I said though... I still think there's a limit to that. If someone's taking days to respond I think that's a bit problematic.
     
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  3. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    Well.... I got bailed on again.

    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

    I think I give up.
     
  4. c7spheres

    c7spheres GuitArtist

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    Sorry for this long ass post, but I need some input on this. It's a big deal to me.

    So I never thought I'd be posting here but I have a situation. Not with a girl I'm intersted in, but I didn't know where else to post this.
    - So I'm talking to a girl I know as a friend, but not a really good freind, more like and aquaintance that I've got into some deeper talks with on occasion, but not like this deep. Apparently she REALLY confides in what I say and takes it with way more weight than I've realized.
    - So I'm talking to her and she drops a hot potato shit bomb on me about how she's pregnant from her boyfreind of about a year. I already knew this and he knows everyone knows this too. Everyone has been very happy for them and excited about them having first child. They don't know the sex, she is only about a month along.

    - She drops the bomb on me tonight since we found ourselves alone talking again how she has been thinking of leaving him, not because she has any problems with him or anything, but because she wants an abortion. She seems absolutely dead set on her plan of having a secret abortion and then telling him it was a miscarriage, then leaving him. She says she's realized she is to young and hasn't done anything with her life and though he is a good man and everything she still wants to explore her life and do things and travel etc. The pregnancy was an "accident" etc. She's being totally selfish, imo. She has thought about it since the second she knew she was pregnant and talked to her best freind (woman with 5 kids) and her freind is trying everything to convince her not to. So she's coming to me for some type of confimation from the vibe I get, and I sure as hell ain't giving it to her.

    - The problem I'm having is that her best freind is keeping it a secret from everyone, including her boyfreind (fiance actually) and now this girl drops the bomb on me and tells me I have to keep it a secret from everyone too (including her best freind too). WTF! I told her I wish she kept me outta this shit and I can't guarantee in good conscience any type of secret and that's the risk you took telling me. I told her for now I won't say anything, but she better think a lot harder about this decision and this is some major shit she will always have feelings, regrets and problems with the rest of her life regardless if she goes forward with all this or not.
    - I don't know her boyfreind at all really. I've met him like three times and small talked with him for about and hour total. He seems like the good guy everyone says he is.
    - My conundrum is what to do. Go ahead and talk to the boyfreind/best freind next time/ IF I see them again (I have no way to get in touch with either of them and don't know enough about them to track them down) etc. I guess I could try waiting for him in a parking lot for when she gets off work. I know he sometimes picks her up.
    - What I did tell her is that if you do this to never tell anyone anything about it if you do go through with it and to lie to your best freind to and tell her you actually did miscarry and didn't get the abortion so it can't ever come out.
    For some background on my decision of why Itold her what I did:
    - Fucked up enough, and on a personal note, a similar thing happened to me almost 25 years ago, except the girl "cheated" on me with a freind at the time. They played it off in a way that she broke up with me because she "fell in love" with him and they got pregnant together months later but decided to have an abortion. I never saw them again so I didn't make much of it. They had this whole fucking thing orchestrated so other mutual friends would show up at party's and make like they randomly were bringing them up in conversations letting me know they're still "going out" etc., eventually bringing it up that they were pregnant and then leading to "their" abortion part. Thing is they never actually went out. It was a whole orchestration to hide it from me. Why I will never know. Maybe in case the word abortion came up or someone said something I'd think it was theirs not mine? I don't understand why the effort to do all this. I'm thinking she told to many people and they made up shit to cover themselves maybe. I found out about 7 years later from a distant mutual freind I hadn't seen for years who mentioned her in passing when I randomly saw him at the bar. He brought it up and was saying how fucked up that shit was they did that to you etc. I'm like yea people cheat, I'm over it now. And then he told me everything else like I was a preist or something. I didn't believe him, but later confirmed (it took like 4-5 years more to confirm everything) through other people who also knew and admitted it to me as well eventually. Holy shit! That hit me hard. I literally was seeing red and wanted to kill people. I still think about it (not killing people) like literally multiple times a day. I would rather have never known anything. It serioulsy messed me up in a lot of ways.
    - That's why I told this girl what I did, to protect her boyfreind. Another part of me thinks maybe he has the right to know even though it will probably fuck him up as well. I don't want anyone to have to go through this, but I think maybe if I tell him, since it's not to late, I can let him handle it how he wants and make his own choises. Maybe he'll convince her not to do it, but then again, maybe he'll kill her or some crazy shit.
    - What should I do!?
     
    Last edited: Jan 23, 2020
  5. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    If this is just some vague acquaintance, then I say do nothing. It's not your problem. If you're asked for advice, sure, give whatever advice you might have, but at the end of the day it doesn't fall on you to do anything at all.

    The thing that gets to me is all the games and secrecy around the whole thing. You don't have to carry around all this baggage if you don't lie to people in the first place. I get that people have their opinions, but if you're that set on something like an abortion, just do it and be honest about it. If you're that set on splitting up with someone, just do it, and be honest about it. Life is difficult, people are complicated, and everyone needs to just own up to their shit.
     
  6. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter ... drifting...

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    After I make a few observations that resonate with me, I'll step aside cause I know this thread is sometimes just venting and a lotta times ppl don't genuinely appreciate the experience and genuine honesty of others... I get that.

    But okay- "I wish she kept me outta this shit". That right there is the ultimate correct feeling/ response and I would at this point ( more than ever) stay the fuck out of this. Should you confront the boyfriend/ fiance about ANY of this? ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY NOT! No other way to put it but don't put yourself into a situation like this. This is absolutely not your "deal" and involving yourself benefits no one in any way.. ESPECIALLY not you. Please don't influence this girl in any way. The whole business of her thinking that she knows how things might be or how she's going to feel about any of this 5 years/ 10 years/ 20 years down the road.. I guarantee is HIGHLY unlikely... People change.

    Not to assume too much but I think ( at least from what you've said) that #1; You are obviously able to relate to some of this due to what you have been thru but that in no way means that you should get any further involved. Every person and situation is vastly different and this thing should only encompass two people at this time... him and her ( and whoever else may have some responsibility or something invested in this). And #2; I believe that because she has confided in you (and in doing so has created some mutual trust, sympathy, validation, etc) that you are maybe compromising your better judgement. I hope that doesn't sound harsh. You're obviously a smart dude with a great deal of common sense and integrity.

    Anyway... Whatever you do, please... Just look at things objectively and always act in YOUR best interest.. That's not saying "Be selfish!"... She's fortunate to have someone like you to confide in. I simply feel that you should remain supportive but uninvolved at best. Good luck, dude. I really hope that things work out.
     
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  7. Ordacleaphobia

    Ordacleaphobia Shameless Contrarian

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    110%. This whole thing is cover-to-cover-not-your-business. Your pal has some issues she needs to work out with her relationship, and they're scary ones, so she pulled you in for backup. Well yeah; that sucks- because these situations are ones you need to handle on your own. Keep your mouth shut. Whether or not this guy is cool or not and doesn't deserve any of this is irrelevant- it's none of your business to the nth power. The reason why what happened to you years ago was so shitty was because people butted their heads in and made your business their business. If you get involved in this, that's what you're doing, whether it's for the right reason or not.

    If she mentions this topic again or asks you anything, simply inform her that you wish she would talk about this with her man, that you don't want to be involved, that you will support her in her decision, but wish that she would leave you out of her decision-making process.
     
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  8. c7spheres

    c7spheres GuitArtist

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    Thanks for all your input guys! It's helping me see a little bit more clear now, but I still have some underlying things going on. Probably due to it stirring up old emotions. How strange it feels to be bullet pointing abortion. Here's some things going through my head: Any input is welcome. I really want to do the right thing for everyone, including the fetus who has the most to loose here.
    - Mainly the fact that this is a potential life, and unlike my past experience, this is stlil a fetus with a chance at life, if someone were to know it existed. Should it not have every fighting chance to live? Who's fighting for it other than this girls best friend? Maybe that's enough? Don't children deserve every chance at life they can get?
    - I also believe in the womens right to choose as well. It's her body etc.
    - She could always give it up for adoption.
    - This wasn't my problem, but she made it my problem. Now she's fucking with my life too.
    - This person hasn't earned the right to command my silence. I mean who does she think she is? I'll say whatever I want to whoever I want. She's in no position to tell me to be silent, and is basically stupid for putting this amount of trust in me. We are not anywhere near this close as freinds or aquaintance, but I respect she came to me.
    - Maybe the boyfreind should know. Then I can clear my conscious and they can argue it out. Whatever happens is then not on me. They made their own beds. Keep me out of it.
    - If I say nothing now I gotta live with it. Why did you put this guilt trip on me type shit is gonna come up in my life now. Now I'm guilty.
    - How do I make good with everyone?
    - If someone is getting burned in life, it's gonna be her not me. It's her choice and I don't have to live with the consequences of her actions. By not fighting for an unborn I will feel really guilty about it.
    - How do I cleear my conscious of all this and do the right thing?

    - What's really tripping me out here is that I'm almost in the same exact position as my ex girlfriends' freinds (mutual freinds at the time) were in way back then, except I'm not being sneeky and lying to people and being fucked up, but I feel that if I don't say anything it's like I'm becoming them. So I'm kinda surmising that by keeping this secret I'm basically becoming like one of those people that lied to me way back in the day. It's like I'm being fated to live both roles in my life here. It's really not good and I don't want to be like them. It's like god's testeing me or something for lack of a better way of looking at it.
    - Right now what I'm thinking of doing is being more aggresssive toward this girl if she won't drop the issue, meaning this: If she starts up with this subject again I will nicely and respectfully say my peace to her about how I feel about it and that I think she needs to either do it and do what I was explaining in the original post, or she needs to have it and shut her mouth about what she thought about doing, or adopt it out. I'll tell her I don't want to be any part of it and if she says anything more about it I'll tell everyone I know about it so she needs to shut the fuck up and it's up to her to keep her freind and boyfirend away from me so I don't tell them. So she will need at that point to keep everyone away from me. Since I don't have any way to track them down I will not seek them out and tell them, but I will know that if I do see them I will tell them if I feel like it. This way my conscious is clear in that I'm not keeping the lie and being the deciever, becoming one of those people that hurt me so long ago, I'm not betraying her as well as long she can keep them away from me. So basically it will be left up to fate again how this all pans out.
    - What are your thoughts on my reasoning and insights to what's happening here?
     
  9. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    The right thing, IMO, is to stay as far out of it as you can.

    All of the advice to run the other way is in support of this belief.

    I agree with you on this one. If someone asks you anything, I see no reason for you to be dishonest. But I also see no reason for you to actively tell anyone. Again, just remove yourself from the situation.
     
  10. Obsidian Soul

    Obsidian Soul SS.org Regular

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    I come here to read and live vicariously through you guys because lately I have solidified the notion that relationships are just not for me,on my end and the woman's end.I've posted here awhile ago but have since come to the consenus that I shouldn't share personal information on the internet.All the best of of luck to the rest of you!
     
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  11. Ordacleaphobia

    Ordacleaphobia Shameless Contrarian

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    Alright dude, here's my :2c: -

    Touchy subject. One of the touchiest subjects, actually. If you squint at this quote a little, it almost looks like you're trying to talk yourself into urging her to keep it.
    Don't.
    That runs counter to both the second bullet in the quote, as well as our stated goal of not being included further than we need to be.
    Listen, I understand that this is a topic that most people have some very strong feelings on and I'm not trying to take a position on either side of that fence, but what I absolutely will shout from the rooftops is that this kind of decision should be left 100% to the prospective parents. And if she doesn't want to include him in her decision, that's really sad and I feel terrible for this guy, but that's her right, and for you to insert yourself into that dynamic would be hugely destructive. Not to mention that if you start to push her one way or another and she happens to take your advice and finds herself unhappy, you will feel terrible and you will beat yourself up over it. I know it's difficult, but just...don't. It's a raw and deeply personal story that I have no intentions of getting into, but I've been on the other side of this situation before, and trust me, an outsider's opinion is as unwelcome as it gets.

    This is another block that comes across as somewhat inconsistent.
    Of course could do adoption, but unless you're talking about just letting her know that that's an option, I'd group that up with the first block of text. DO NOT ADVISE on any specific course of action; if you must touch on these topics, just make sure that she's well informed and confident in her decision. She may have involved you, but she didn't make it your problem. You can still get out. As far as I can tell, she isn't asking you to do anything other than respect her request for silence which, while I'd say it's definitely ill-advised, is for sure understandable. It could be that she just don't want to risk confiding in people that are closer to her because she knows their stakes are higher and may be less prone to stay quiet. Who knows. All I know for sure is if you follow through on that last bulletpoint, the last thing anybody is going to do is keep you out of it. That'd be kicking the hornet's nest. I agree, he should know, and she should definitely tell him. You however? Don't.

    Obviously I don't know you and I certainly don't know her; I didn't hear the conversation but it certainly didn't sound like a guilt trip to me.
    Your best chance at 'making good with everyone' would be getting her to talk to her man. That's your win condition. And good fucking luck with that one. That's gunna take some investment on your part. If that's what you need to do to clear your conscience, you need to figure out which is more important to you: a clear conscience, or not being involved- because getting her to face him is going to take time and effort. Again, you ask me? Don't. You told her that her actions would have consequences. She is informed. What she does at that point is on her. You don't get to accept any blame for her actions. You did your part.

    For starters- no. That doesn't in any way shape or form make you like them. You aren't manipulating people, you aren't trying to trick someone into believing one thing or another, and you aren't fucking with his life. Do NOT do what you are describing here. This woman came to you because she feels alone. She likely doesn't feel secure enough to talk about this to most if not all of her close family and friends. She's having a major personal crisis right now and needs help and stability, not for someone to kinda-threaten her with information that she told you in confidence. You'd be putting this poor girl through the wringer and making her situation much more difficult than it needed to be.

    Have you spoken with her about her man? It sounded like the big reason she wants to split is because of the child. If she doesn't have any issues with this guy aside from the pregnancy, I would advise her to be candid with him about how she's panicking, doesn't feel ready, and would like to terminate. She doesn't have to leave him; it's never a guaranteed all or nothing. Her hesitance is one of the most understandable things people can encounter, period. Everyone understands that kind of panic. If they have a healthy relationship, it's entirely possible that he supports her in her decision, and they start over, together. If she wants to leave him anyway, where is the risk?
     
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  12. c7spheres

    c7spheres GuitArtist

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    Thanks man. I really appreciate this. Now that a little time has passed and all of you guys have given some input I think I now have a more clear head and more stable plan of action. There is still some time to work with here.

    You're totally right. She is informed, she is aware of adoption and everything and everyone involved. Trying to encourage her to talk to her man is the best condition. No threats or actions on my part, only encouragement to talk to her man.

    I get the vibe from her that this is the case. I did tell her she really needs to work it out with him, but she was basically dead-set on going through with this plan. I need to encourage her more to talk to him and bring these points you mention to light. Pretty much the kind of points I was looking for. Thanks. I've never seen or heard of them having any problems and they're engaged and everyone is really happy for them. It's pretty out of left field. I'm guessing that she is probably scared to talk to him about this, still loves him, and is afraid to have a baby so is having thoughts of abortion. Maybe she doesn't want a baby, maybe she does, but either way I'm betting I'm right about the rest of it. I really need to then encourage her to talk to her man and bring these points to light and let it go from there. All I can say is my 2 cents and then let it go, and I'll let her know that's what I'm doing, and to leave me out of it after I say my peace.

    Thanks for this. I was feeling that by not saying something to him I'm like those others were to me. But now by talking to her and basically putting the responsiblity back on her (which,imo, is where it should be) I can't have any guilt about it. It will be all back on her to involve him or not. If I do see him though it's gonna be very uncomfortable to me. I will ask him how it's going (like in general, not specifically). It's up to him if he wants to mention anything about this stuff at all to me.

    All you guys. Thank you very much for all your input. It helped me to sort through some details, not get to emotional and quickly regain as level a head as I could ask for. I normally don't get like this but I think my past experience got intertwined here and made it difficult for me to sort it out myself. I really appreciate it. As things progress I'll keep anything significant updated here so you guys know how it turns out. Thanks again!
     
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  13. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I finally got to meet up with the person with whom it was hard to schedule things. Turns out my suspicion about being in a work crunch was right. And I felt kinda bad for potentially making a stressful week more stressful for someone. But it was nice anyway. The effort was there and my day was made.

    Moral of the story: Text is a poor way to communicate. Don't read too far into things.
     
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  14. c7spheres

    c7spheres GuitArtist

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    So I finally saw that girl that wanted the abortion again. She went through with it already and got the abortion. I never saw her in between last time I posted so I never got the chance to encourage her to talk to her man. Now she's going to break up with him too. She hasn't talked to him in 3 weeks or so and is asking me how to break up with him? I said to her why break up with him since everything is fine and you didn't have a problem with him and everything was fine according to you last time we talked. She said he's not the cup for her tea or some bs like that. I told her it's not my business and she needs to be mature about it and grow up because she's acting like a middle school kid and to figure it out yourself, but I'd at least give him the respect to talk face to face and not do it via text. Oh, and the kicker is she apparently has a some attraction to me all of a sudden! WTF! I told her I hardl know her, I'm not intersted in unstable emotional roller coasters, I'm old enough to be your dad, and your not mature enough for me (in a nutshell). I told her I don't want to talk to her for a while and to work your issues and maybe get some professional help. She's obviously damaged and needs some professional help from how I saw it. I think she's got some alcohol and drug issues that are beyond self help at this point, and I'm long done with that stuff, so I had to just tell her my two cents and let her go. Maybe I'll see her in the coming months or years and hopefully she is stable at that point. I'm so sick of this same revolving door. I just don't have energy for any of this, especially for people that aren't even close to me. I gotta look out for myself more. I've already given way to much to people. Thanks for letting me rant.
     
  15. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    Today is as good a day as any to remember to be good to yourself. Whatever that happens to mean in whatever context.

    If anyone cares about whatever happened with the last story I told:
    Met once. Went ok. Asked for a second outing. Reply was basically "been dealing with stuff, so I can't answer right now". Ran into her at a couple of things but it never progressed past that. I've been debating asking again, or whether or not the previous answer I got was supposed to be a subtle "no thanks" without having to say no. It's been too busy a week to focus on that kind of stuff, but maybe next week I can see if there's any interest again. Or maybe not. Who knows.

    I feel like my weird confidence and enthusiasm boost from a while back has sort of been exhausted. I'm pretty low on both of those at the moment. But, it is what it is.

    ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
     
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  16. c7spheres

    c7spheres GuitArtist

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    Oh crap! It's Valentines day!
     
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  17. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

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    This:

     
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  18. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    You're not wrong. We do kind of have some (entirely not dating related) upcoming plans still - myself, her, and my guitarist have tickets to see Hevy Devy in Montreal in a few weeks, about a 2 hour drive, and I'm the one driving. They were plans made before any of the above story. If nothing else, I still expect it to be a good day - chill with some cool people, see a good show, etc. I'm quite excited for that.
     
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  19. cwhitey2

    cwhitey2 BlackendCrust Metal™

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    So I recently met this girl. We have crossed paths several times and have mutual friends, but we never spoke to each other (I would always see her on dates that's why I never made any 'moves'). Well the other night at the local brewery, which we both frequent, we finally sat close enough to each other to have an actual conversation. I haven't gotten butterflies in 12 years and finally go them again, almost forgot what they felt like. Anyways, we talked for about 2 hours and I happened to mention to her that I was having dinner at a local restaurant where friend works and that if she wasn't doing anything she should stop by for dinner and some wine. Well wouldn't you know it she actually showed up. I was actually surprised when she showed up...I thought for sure I would be eating alone! We have been talking pretty frequent and plan on hanging out again tonight, so hopefully that will go when.

    Just when I thought I was about to give up on meeting someone (I'm 32 and feel like 'all the good ones are taken'), I meet her. Mind you I'm not one to go out of my way chasing someone like a 15 year old. Be an adult and have a conversation about it and don't try to force anything. If it happens it happens, if not...well then it's not meant to be.
     
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  20. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter ... drifting...

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    ^^^ Really have my fingers crossed for you. I know all too well that whole "all the good ones are taken" thing. Maybe there's one left!
     
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