SS Love and Relationships Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by SevenStringSam, Jun 17, 2010.

  1. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

    Messages:
    6,488
    Likes Received:
    2,854
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2007
    Location:
    Gatineau, Quebec
    A while back I decided that "selfish" isn't inherently bad. It's often healthy to be "selfish". It's often important to focus on yourself.
    I'm also of the opinion that "family" doesn't have to mean much. You get to decide for yourself what your relationship with people is on an emotional level, regardless of how you're physically related. Do your own thing, do what you need to do, be your own person, and be selfish if that's what that means. Doesn't make you a bad person by any stretch.

    Good. You have a goal. Stick with that. To hell with anyone who gets in the way of that.
     
    Thaeon, c7spheres and soliloquy like this.
  2. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

    Messages:
    4,544
    Likes Received:
    1,510
    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2008
    Location:
    toronto, canada
    It also irritates me when i explain once or twice or even thrice regarding my opinions/thoughts/feelings, and its completely ignored by my dad. I understand he is of a generation where mental health was not well understood. I understand he has strong cultural ties and is very traditional. I want him to understand that though his son has no mental illness (again, that I know of), me trying to help those who have any mental anguish can take its toll on me.

    I'm an omni/ambivert, and I unfortunately have no control on when my introvertness or extrovertness comes out. When i'm being introverted, he gets concerned and that exhausts me. When I'm extroverted, he gets used to that and wants me to stay that way for ever.

    he's also friends with some of my friends. So i'm warning them all to stop spying on me and leave me alone for next little while.
     
    Thaeon and c7spheres like this.
  3. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

    Messages:
    6,488
    Likes Received:
    2,854
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2007
    Location:
    Gatineau, Quebec
    Just because you don't clinically "have a mental illness" doesn't mean that your mental health is in a good place though. Nightmares and difficulty handling high stress? I call that a poor state of mental health. Based on what you've said here, I think their concern is warranted. That being said, if they aren't helping, they aren't helping. Lots of people are really bad at inadvertently making things worse when they're concerned about someone. The trick isn't to tell them not to be concerned, it's to make it clear if they aren't helping or if they're making things worse.

    If what you need is some space to yourself, then be explicit about that. "The best way you can help me out is by letting me do my own thing." Something along those lines.
     
    soliloquy likes this.
  4. Five Ten

    Five Ten 오 십

    Messages:
    58
    Likes Received:
    13
    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2016
    Location:
    North Carolina
    It is rather remarkable how people can not fathom certain things despite being told. There are days where I am agoraphobic to the max. I have a hard time leaving my house without having actual panic attacks, which fuels my depression and lack of self worth. It makes it difficult for me to find any sort of meaningful job, or really function in society in general. Knowing what I need to do differently and not being able to do that does not help with my sense of self worth. In short, the cycle goes as such.

    Fear of talking to people > people are outside > avoid going outside > wonder what I am doing with my life/what I contribute > panic attack > wonder if it is worth holding on to > try to better myself via better job or something > rinse + repeat.

    I have good days, but it is enough of a problem where I am currently seeking help. It definitely interferes with my quality of life.

    My father is someone I tried confiding in. His advice is to "just get over it and do it," when I have explained a million times that "just doing it" sends me into uncontrollable panic to the point of throwing up and getting chest pains. It is not fun when people sidestep your mental hang ups because it is different from what they experience. I have not grown the courage to tell him to "just stop smoking" if "just doing it" is such an easy task.

    Not exactly related to relationships, so perhaps me posting about just that is not exactly warranted, but it is an understandable issue you face, to which I can sympathize. It is never fun keeping things from people, but sometimes it seems counter-intuitive to share with some of them so it is best to lie by omission.
     
    Thaeon, c7spheres and soliloquy like this.
  5. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

    Messages:
    4,544
    Likes Received:
    1,510
    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2008
    Location:
    toronto, canada
    your opinions and thought matter, and dont EVER let anyone else make you feel differently.

    i'm glad you shared that, as i personally didn't know of agoraphobia. I knew of fear of public speaking, but that is something new I discovered.

    see, that idea of 'if I have nothing nice to say, dont say it' i have issues with. In me not saying anything and letting my dad run over me with his ideology, it also screws it up for a lot of other people he interacts with. Has it made an impact? not one bit. Will it stop me from carrying forward? no. will it exhaust me? absolutely.

    I'm not suggesting you to tell your dad to stop smoking, or to be more sensitive. But I want you to know that you are not alone.

    sure this topic is about relationships, but i dont think it HAS to be romantic relationships...does it? humanity is painful to go through alone. If you are able to connect with anyone, then it becomes a little easier. IF not people in person, then perhaps find solace online. The online community is helping me significantly. Even if people haven't been cheated on, the more people are interacting with me, the better i'm doing mentally.

    no harm in reaching out to people.
     
  6. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

    Messages:
    6,488
    Likes Received:
    2,854
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2007
    Location:
    Gatineau, Quebec
    I know one guy (he's the roommate guy from my previous stories) who clinically has agoraphobia. And it would be fair to call it crippling in a lot of ways. He's unable to work, get id, drive, etc - essentially he's unable to function as an adult without assistance. We've tried to bring him out to things, because he really does want to be social, but the panic sets in and he has to leave. Just can't handle people. He's a super nice guy otherwise, most of the time.
     
    Thaeon likes this.
  7. Thaeon

    Thaeon Cosmic Question Asker

    Messages:
    1,319
    Likes Received:
    621
    Joined:
    Aug 17, 2008
    Location:
    San Antonio, TX
    My current girlfriend borders on this. Has panic attacks after driving. Can't be anywhere that is crowded or loud. However, she's also going through a court case because an Ex kept showing up at her work and broke into her apartment. Its gotten worse lately because he posted bail. He has no idea where she lives, but that doesn't change the reduced security and feeling of safety she experiences because there aren't steel bars and thick concrete walls between him and trying to find her. Relationships, all kinds, can be difficult and hard to navigate. I have untreated ADHD, and I'm either asleep or chasing whatever catches my attention until something else catches my attention. Which can be pretty rapid at times.
     
  8. Five Ten

    Five Ten 오 십

    Messages:
    58
    Likes Received:
    13
    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2016
    Location:
    North Carolina
    This is sort of where I am with it. I am capable of doing certain things if they have become routine, so driving around nearby areas to get groceries is doable even if I have to mentally prepare for it. If I make plans to go anywhere, weather it's to get groceries, do laundry, or going to see my current girlfriend's parents, I will starve myself the day before because then there's nothing for me to throw up if I get uneasy. I do occasionally go out and sometimes travel, but it is mentally exhausting. Even a trip to the guitar store 15 minutes away is enough to put me in mental shut down mode where I can't really do much else that day.

    It sucks because on the surface it sounds so stupid, and people tend to mock you for it because it's hard to understand. Hell, I think about it sometimes and acknowledge to myself how dumb it ultimately is. Part of me enjoys being a hermit, but I sorely want the ability to just leave the house without feeling like the world is coming down around me. Maybe some day, but it isn't soon.
     
  9. littlebadboy

    littlebadboy SS.org Regular

    Messages:
    629
    Likes Received:
    331
    Joined:
    Dec 24, 2014
    Location:
    Midwestern USA
    What happened to the OP boy 9 years ago and his theater girlfriend?
     
  10. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

    Messages:
    6,488
    Likes Received:
    2,854
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2007
    Location:
    Gatineau, Quebec
    He hasn't signed in since 2017 I think....? So.... no idea. And I don't feel like digging through this monster of a thread to find out. :lol:
     
  11. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

    Messages:
    4,544
    Likes Received:
    1,510
    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2008
    Location:
    toronto, canada

    the whole concept of:
    "man up"
    "Suck it up"
    "its all in your head"
    "grow a thicker skin"
    "just dont think about it and do it"
    "you are being too overly dramatic"
    "its no big deal"
    etc

    those, i find to be sounding stupid and insensitive and dumb.

    what you are feeling is perfectly fine and normal. you shouldn't have to be made to feel "normal" because technically speaking, 'normal' really means being apathetic to the world.

    as someone who was apathetic for a while in the past, to be able to overcome all/most mental demons I was fighting, and be able to support ALL my friends and be an advocate of mental illness...to now feel how painful something like depression and anxiety and PTSD can be, I can only say to screw anyone who makes you feel otherwise.

    having been on both sides of 'no mental illness' to complete nervous breakdowns at odd hours of the day that prevents me from sleeping, your opinions, feelings, and your mental exhaustion are perfectly normal. you dont have to explain it to anyone. if they dont understand, then that is not on you.



    i want you to read this:
    https://www.menshealth.com/health/a20111514/men-mental-health-awareness-month/
    "It’s okay to not have your shit together. It’s okay to feel depressed. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be anxious. It’s okay to be scared. It’s okay to not have everything figured out, to feel a wave of uncertainty come crashing over you and not know which way is up, or when your next gulp of air will come. These are perfectly normal feelings that every man experiences. And it’s okay to talk about it.

    What’s not okay is suffering in silence."










    on my personal battle, i spoke to two of my really close friends that i've known for about 20 years. where one made it really easy for me to breath after 3 weeks of choking on the air i breath, the other made it difficult.
    the first said that regardless of what decision i choose, she will support me without judgement and will be there for me with every step i take. the other on the other hand just wanted to kill my spouse; thus indicating that the only option I have is to divorce.

    what is terrifying me is that because of that one conversation, I can now perfectly picture a life without my spouse. but what is also terrifying me is a life with my spouse where I am constantly holding a grudge against her. Where I am always questioning every step she makes. Where I am constantly paranoid and just losing my mind because of it. Both are making me equally sick and terrified, and I dont know what i'm doing.

    I sent out several emails and voice mails to several lawyers on thursday and friday, and none of them called me back. maybe its for the better that i give this lawyer shit a break. only come to think of it when i'm able to control my mind and have full control over myself. thats what my friend is also suggesting. I shouldnt make any hasty decisions, because the last thing I'd want is to go through a divorce, and maybe a few months/weeks/years later, realize it was a mistake and I want to continue being with her...?

    One thing is for certain is that I need therapy. I think i'll start after new years.
     
    Five Ten and c7spheres like this.
  12. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

    Messages:
    6,488
    Likes Received:
    2,854
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2007
    Location:
    Gatineau, Quebec
    Oh noooooooooo, now I'm getting the "so, I miss you" texts.

    This was followed by "I won't say anything else, cause I don't want to ruin your day. Thanks for listening."
    Dunno what I'm supposed to do with that.

    Don't get me wrong, living alone means it gets lonely as crap, and I have nothing against spending time in a friendly context, but I don't want to fall back into old patterns and end back up in something I'm not happy with. Much caution. Very mixed feelings.
     
    c7spheres likes this.
  13. Ordacleaphobia

    Ordacleaphobia Shameless Contrarian

    Messages:
    2,111
    Likes Received:
    1,458
    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2013
    Location:
    Chico, CA
    Don't.
    Not yet, anyway. Give it a couple months.
     
  14. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter SS.org Regular

    Messages:
    2,133
    Likes Received:
    1,287
    Joined:
    Aug 29, 2015
    Location:
    Austin, Texas
    Guilt ( that's what she wants you to feel))
    Manipulation ( that's what she's CONSCIOUSLY doing)

    Once we reveal too much of our personal feelings to someone who is not acting in the best interest of our emotional health, then they are able to exploit our weaknesses. In this case she is your weakness and she knows that. The problem with going back to someone like this is that you are way too vulnerable imo. You can say that "I'm going to be cautious" all you want. That will not have any bearing in the matter if she has control ( which she still does because you have not allowed yourself to heal nor to get stronger away from her). So... recipe for disaster is imminent.
     
  15. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

    Messages:
    6,488
    Likes Received:
    2,854
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2007
    Location:
    Gatineau, Quebec
    "I have no regrets but I wish I said no when you first asked me out"
    "Everything is all messed up now"
    "I keep going to message you and then remind myself to back off"

    *sigh*

    Where's my Switch? I just want to play some video games. And some guitar. Maybe a good drink. Maybe a strong coffee.
     
  16. KnightBrolaire

    KnightBrolaire chasing the tone dragon

    Messages:
    12,622
    Likes Received:
    11,011
    Joined:
    Mar 19, 2015
    Location:
    MN, USA
    delete and block her number. burn the bridge completely so that the only path is forward. don't let toxic people play fuck fuck games with your emotions/life.
     
  17. Ordacleaphobia

    Ordacleaphobia Shameless Contrarian

    Messages:
    2,111
    Likes Received:
    1,458
    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2013
    Location:
    Chico, CA
    For real. Especially this bit here:

    She's clearly only focused on herself. There is no consideration for you here. This is all so blatantly a "woe is me, feel bad for me" routine that frankly I'd be insulted.
    It's one thing to commiserate with someone about your experience together and be disappointed that things didn't work out, but this line tells me that she's just upset that things didn't go the way she wanted them to, and has no reservations about using you to try and make herself feel better. She's fishing.

    If she really wanted to respect your wishes, she wouldn't message you, and then say "oops lol I keep having to remind myself not to do that," she just wouldn't do it. It's a shame that she doesn't.
     
  18. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

    Messages:
    5,859
    Likes Received:
    2,389
    Joined:
    Jan 27, 2010
    Location:
    Washington
    Don't do anything with that.
     
  19. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

    Messages:
    6,488
    Likes Received:
    2,854
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2007
    Location:
    Gatineau, Quebec
    New added context that, while it doesn't justify anything, makes me sort of understand why the sudden drama:

    Roommate guy (the one who's cool, I get along well with this guy) basically started vomiting blood all over the place last night. He's been in a bunch of back pain, and since he's the agoraphobic, etc., he handled things by taking a whole ton of painkillers. This, of course, led to a bunch of stomach ulcers or something. He's apparently gone through two surgeries already. I was told that one of the nurses said he was lucky to have made it to the hospital when he did.

    So I can understand the reaching out to me thing. Lots of stuff is kinda going to shit around her, there are good reasons to panic. I get the manipulation angle and all that, but at the same time, it's very hard to hear that a mutual friend almost died and pick that moment to cut off contact instead of being supportive.

    Don't get me wrong, we're not getting back together. It's not going to happen. I like the idea of being in a relationship, but not that relationship. At the same time, this is an old friend, who is dealing with some shit. Some of which is her own doing. Some of which is my doing. Some of which is just unfortunate circumstance, bad luck, etc. If that means I'm gonna get some uncomfortable text messages for a bit, I can handle that.
     
    c7spheres and Ordacleaphobia like this.
  20. c7spheres

    c7spheres GuitArtist

    Messages:
    1,629
    Likes Received:
    1,332
    Joined:
    Jan 13, 2017
    Location:
    Arizona
    - I always try to make the best of stuff and have some compassion for people, especially when they need a friend or help. If they use me or take advantage of me, that sucks but I know I did the right thing.
    - People are people. We're all messed up to some degree. I think once you've been around the block or on both sides of the coin multiple (to many) times you get more compassionate and calloused at the same time.
    - The old me would have thought about just hooking back up with her, use her for a booty call and moved on.
    - The older wiser me says be kind to people when they need it even if it means sacraficing part of yourself for their well being.
    - The indifferent me says she burned her own bridge let her cross it.
    - The apathetic me says "whatever".

    My point is that only you really know the dynamic between your relationship/freindship. Only you know if you really care for her, even as a freind. Don't forget, some people deserve some leniency. Whether they're one of those people is a decision only you can make. I'd personally give her serious consideration as a freind. Actually set aside time and do it as a task of sorts to really think about it. Can you accept her for her imperfections and quirks/problems?
     
    TedEH likes this.

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.