SS Love and Relationships Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by SevenStringSam, Jun 17, 2010.

  1. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    So, when I was last over there, we had left on a good note, I think. I had stuck around one last night. Got cuddly, but nothing more than that, and continued talking so never really got any sleep. No sleep means slept through the alarms, and I felt bad so I drove her to work (since she would have never made it on time otherwise). At the point I figured everything was cool. A clean split, nobody is mad, etc.

    I get an email part way through the day - "this is my work email if you want to reach me during the day", since the phone was dead. Followed up immediately with "sorry, I guess I should give you some space and not message". I reply that it's fine to keep in some amount of contact, I'm not just going to cut off all communication.

    At that point, I ended the email with something like "I still recommend getting something to eat lol". There's some backstory/context to that one because she clearly has an eating disorder but is in denial about it. She hadn't had anything to eat at all in about 4 days, including during this party, etc. I meant it to be funny, and a bit of a callback to a conversation from before about how I figured I was being a good influence in a way. But also some amount of concern, because I'm well aware of what it's like to have that eating disorder and I can see bad things in her future if she doesn't course correct.

    Reply I get - "gonna have to ask you to lay off about my eating habits".

    ...... You know what, fvck that. I tried to show some concern and be friendly right of the bat. And that's what I get in response. Ya know.... you're right KnightBro. I need not spend any effort keeping that bridge from burning. I didn't even reply.

    I played some Breath of the Wild instead today. It was nice. Moral of the story: Be good to yourself, 'cause someone's gatta do it.
     
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  2. c7spheres

    c7spheres GuitArtist

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    That's a great take away from this man. I'm sorry it's come to that stage with you two. I can understand that she'd be upset about you mentioning it and asking you to lay off though, but at the same time she should have a sense of humor about it. I guess she knows it's serious and honestly needed to hear it since she's upset about it. She's not ready for you and to get serious about herself, let alone someone else too. I'd still try to stay freinds with her personally but maybe give her some space. Sorry it didn't work out TedEh. Best of luck in the future.
     
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  3. Charlie Foxtrot 3rd

    Charlie Foxtrot 3rd Seven strings, Zero skill

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    Sorry to hear about the split TedEh, take care of you for a bit. I tried to stay friends with a girl I dated for a year but that was harder than ending the relationship and so it was best for us both to move on. Chin up.
     
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  4. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    guys, i cant stress enough how much i appreciate you all.
    the support from online groups is immense, and getting this stuff off my chest is helping. How much, I cant say. But at least I have my appetite back. Its still not 100%. But at least I'm not throwing up any longer. I am down about 8 lbs in about week and a half.

    now i need a remedy for the nightmares, and hopefully I can sleep. Haven't had a single night where I stayed sleeping through out the night in about 2 weeks now.

    this is such a disaster.

    And again, as someone who doens't have any mental illnesses (that I know of), if someone with depression goes through even a portion of this on a daily bases, kudos to you. I'm struggling to do anything. I am terrified of driving as I am sleepy, and may pass out behind the wheel, so I'm walking mostly or relying on the transit system. Im having a difficult time getting out of bed. Its messing up everything I'm doing or thinking or feeling. As such, my heart goes out to her if that his what she is feeling. It also hurts that I know she's hurting as well, but I cant be there for her during this time. we need to fix ourselves first before we fix our relationship.
     
  5. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I went back and re-read your previous post, since I was too wrapped up in my own nonsense to really pay attention to anyone else.
    This is what I took from the whole thing:
    I'm of the opinion that this kind of breach of trust is unforgivable. If I was in your shoes, I'd be trying to look at this as a opportunity to redefine yourself as an independent person. I've never met you but I'm willing to bet you deserve better than that. Decide who you are and what you're about, and leave no room in your life for anyone who doesn't support that. So you're married? So what. Modern marriages don't mean anything. People divorce all the time.

    Am I exaggerating a bit? Absolutely. Am I in a weird "fvck everyone who isn't on my page" mode? Yeah, also that. But there are worse frames of mind to be in. Be the best version of yourself that you can, play some guitar, stay hydrated, I dunno. Be good to yourself, that's what I feel like I keep coming back to.
     
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  6. Drew

    Drew Forum MVP

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    :rofl:

    I laugh, because I met and made some pretty good IRL friends through this place and some of them have absolutely been rocks for me in some pretty dark times. Friends come in the strangest of places, man. If god forbid you're ever in Boston and still need an ear, look me up for a beer or two.
     
  7. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    You laugh, but legit, sometimes this site makes up more than half of my social life. :lol: I'd legit meet and have a beer or whatever else with a number of people here.

    It's been a slow week. I know it wasn't even that long of a relationship/thing, but re-adjusting is a bit rough. You get used to waking up with someone there every day- then suddenly strait into spending all non-work-time alone, not even a text or something here or there. Got real quiet real quick. There's a definite sense of loss that goes with it. Landing somewhere in the middle would have been nice, if that was even possible.

    Maybe this is the right time to start looking up some old friends/acquaintances and just catching up. Go be social, but in a way that involves no attachment to anything. Just chill with some people then go home.
     
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  8. Five Ten

    Five Ten 오 십

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    I have been through a large part of what you are going through. We were not married, but the relationship was ten years. I am also in part your wife in that I have nasty depression, among other mental hangups, among which I feel alcohol dependency might be coming into play lately. Gave serious attempts at suicide a couple times in fact. My ex left me seemingly out of the blue, to the point where she was moving back home, a different country mind you, with only a weeks notice leaving me with the financial hole we sort of dug for ourselves. She had legitimate complaints about me, and I do not exactly hold any bad feelings at this point in my life, and it has only been about 2 years. We are actually still friends, and are both in sort of good places.

    There are a few bits of information or advice that I can share, having experienced something sort of similar to you. First pertains to this quote.

    You can for sure be one hundred percent mad at someone despite their demons. Being depressed or an alcoholic does not give a person the right to manipulate, guilt trip, or make someone else feel like shit. It does not absolve someone of the blame that they deserve. This is something I fight with a lot. It is one thing to share what makes you upset, but it is not an excuse to cheat on someone you love. You can not say "I am sorry I cheated, but I was feeling really icky and I do not know what I was thinking." I have diverted many arguments me and my ex used to have using some form of, "I do not want to talk about that right now, I am feeling like shit." Basically, I would avoid difficult situations using my illness as an excuse. I am still depressed, but I have learned that it is not okay to expect people to treat me with undue respect just because I have issues, and avoiding/pawning off difficult situations is a problem in and of itself. If I cheated on her, I would deserve nothing but scorn.

    I have moved on from her, I have zero romantic feelings for her. I still have nightmares or, more accurately, bad dreams where she is there and my current partner is not. I wake up in a dread fairly frequently. Maybe it is different for others, but when someone is a large part of your life, it may just be impossible to completely remove them from your life entirely. Time will help, and you say it's been two weeks. Two weeks is not long enough to shake off the last 5 or so years. You will feel like shit for a while. To get through things, I buried my face in video games to distract myself. I hung around other friends more, and even moved in with my best friend since 6th grade. Sleep was the hardest thing to get back, and I still fight with it now and again, but it's something that mostly came back none the less. For what it is worth, cheating is one of those things that is unforgivable to me. I would be fixing to end the relationship no matter what at this point. It is hard to think about or even entertain the idea of, but someone who cheats especially for no real reason (my ex cheated because I was emotionally neglecting her and avoiding the hard discussions) is not a trustworthy person.

    In short, things are going to suck for a while. Do not expect years long relationships to vanish from your mind quickly, or ever really entirely. Take your victories as they come. Getting your appetite back is huge, and it is an amazing first step. I was different in that I wouldn't get sick until after I ate. I would depression binge, then think too much then barf it all up. People were starting to think I was bulimic, which was not the case. Being able to eat and not throw up was my first real victory.

    tl;dr Take your victories as they come, and don't expect things to be easy for a while. 5 years is a long time, and you can not physically be over it in a short time. Force yourself to do things you enjoy doing. Video games, playing guitar, listening to music, go to concerts, talk to friends. Sometimes you might have to fight to make yourself do it, but if you can lose yourself in it, you would be surprised at how much fun you end up having and how quickly time passes. Passed time means you are further from your current frame of mind. I am also not sure this is terribly relevant, but this is from the perspective of a woman. It should not mean a lot, but I know men/women like to band together saying "all men/women are evil." I can assure you, given your side of the story, I can not imagine how she is not at fault almost entirely, and you should not shoulder undeserved guilt.

    To end on, and I will put it in it's own little paragraph as it is very important. Do not think you need to do it on your own. Sometimes venting will help, and it is even more helpful if you speak to a professional. Therapists, at the very least, will have unbiased perspective. They know to ask certain questions, and the real time feedback can be immeasurably helpful. I recommend it if it is something you are capable of doing.
     
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  9. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

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    No offense, as I also don't have much of a life (being a college student has me pretty busy), but I suggest making a strong effort to go places. And not just the same place on a routine, either. Go out to shows, gain new interests, make yourself even more interesting than you currently are. Eventually, some fine lady is bound to notice, and you'll be looking back a year or two from now wondering why you were putting up with such nonsense. Lemme tell you why: So you won't put up with such nonsense in the future; even failures and experiences that do not meet your expectations can teach you something if you're willing to allow it to. Just keep that in mind, and realize you're worth better and shouldn't have to put up with second best.

    EDIT: By the way, I used "failures" above because I know that can tend to be how someone looks at something like this as I've been there and done that before.
     
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  10. steinmetzify

    steinmetzify CHUG & SLUDGE

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    Tend to stay out of this thread....I'm 45, been in a committed relationship for the better part of 20 years and had a string of bad breakups before that....I know what I'll put up with and won't, even from my current partner, so my advice in this thread would be short cut and to the point, there's not much in here I'd deal well with, if at all.

    Stuck waiting on a FedEx delivery, can't game or play music, have to listen for the door and this thread caught my eye.

    Interacted with you here, read posts, you seem like a solid guy. I went back and read this whole thing, and I'm glad you are where you are now. That shit was a whole ass horror story man....I see you putting up with shit I wouldn't have bothered with even once. I just wanted to say I'm glad you're out and ok.

    I remember you from way back (maybe 2006 or so?) on the Dean Forum.....you always seemed like a good guy.

    None of this is your fault, and I feel for you. As a recovering (always) addict, fuck your doubting feelings. This is HER fault. You can feel sad, you can feel angry, you can feel whatever you want to feel, but none of this is your fault and you don't have to fix shit.

    As said above, people don't get a pass for mental illness or addictive behavior. That's a manipulative game we addicts like to play, and you people always fall for it.

    Your wife got drunk and cheated on you.....there was zero thought of you, it was a completely selfish thing and she didn't think about you one bit while it was happening, nor did she give any thought to what would happen after. Addicts never do.

    As someone who decided to clean up years ago and boot everyone out of my life that possesses these tendencies, I'll say this. If you think right NOW is hard? Wait until it happens again, cause it sure as fuck will. There's no reason for her to not continue the behavior if you let her come back, because there was basically no punishment.
    This will go on again and again, whether you know about it or not....and that shit is going to haunt you for years, I promise.

    I don't want to say ditch her and move on casually....but I'm gonna say it anyway. Life is far too short to deal with this any longer than you already have.....continuing this can only benefit her, and will only fuck you up more in the end. The only one that will be helped by you staying is her, and that's only if she lets it happen, which she won't because addicts don't know how.

    Try and think about what's going to be best for you in the long run, man. Do you honestly think that going to years of therapy to fix HER issues is going to help YOU in any way?

    There's helping someone, and then there's giving over your whole next 5-10 years to try and fix someone else. Is that what you want?

    Mojo man...hope you can get things going for yourself. Good luck and reach out if you need someone to be on your side.
     
  11. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    This strikes me as something that should be true for more people. It's such a personal breach of trust. I generally treat that as dealbreaker #1. As soon as anyone cheats, it's over. No question.

    None taken. I've been in much worse breakups before - and that's always been what helps. Conveniently, holiday season means parties and things are going to be happening very soon. Work parties, family events, old high school friends will be getting together, etc. I also plan on reaching out to some people I haven't seen in a while just to catch up and be social.

    I appreciate it for sure. Realistically, my issues are pretty small compared to a lot of what else goes on in this thread, or just in general, so I know I'd be ok either way.
     
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  12. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    See, i agree with what you all are saying.
    cheating is a breath of trust. Moreover, its also potentially putting you at risk. You take all the precautions NOT to catch any STI/STD, and yet your partner's screw up gets you there.

    I know I need to talk to her with a sound mind. Right now, all I have is a SUPER pissed off and SUPER sorrowful mind that cant speak right. I'm just burying myself at work. I'm leaving for work at 7am, and returning 8 or 9 pm and repeating that over and over.

    I had the weirdest night last night. Since I found out about the cheating, I've been having nightmares of her leaving me, only to wake up and realize that she technically did leave me. But last night, i didn't dream of her. I dremt of almost EVERYONE that was either interested in me, or I was interested in at one point or another from highschool onwards. It was a trip down memory lane of where we had conversations regarding why it didn't work, or painfully more, i also dreamt of a full life with other people in which I was happy.

    Only to wake up to my sad reality.

    on a side note, growing up, King Arthur was a sort of a role model for me. He found out that his spouse was cheating with Lancelot, but he wasn't overtly dramatic about it, knowing that if he acts out, it will be the collapse of himself and/or Camelot. Well, if i put myself in his shoes, I now am experiencing Camelot collapsing all around me.
     
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  13. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    The last time I was in a spot where a big dramatic split happened (I don't mean recently, I mean years ago when I split with the person I lived with, from an almost 5yr long relationship), I ended up redefining a lot of things for myself. This led to me keeping a document - one where I list out what my personal goals are, either for the year or just in general, and I revisit this fairly often. If ever I'm left in a sort of "bad place", I now have a list of things that I can do or work on to keep me feeling like there is a direction or purpose to whatever I'm doing day-to-day. It also allows me to evaluate whether or not I really am progressing towards things, whether my priorities or values have changed, whether the context or circumstances that led me to list certain goals has changed, etc.

    If I can recommend anything, it's to write things down. Train of thought that shit. Decide what you want to be doing, and dedicate your time to progressing towards that in whatever way makes the most sense to you, rather than letting that same time go to focusing on past events you can't control anymore.
     
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  14. steinmetzify

    steinmetzify CHUG & SLUDGE

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    Makes sense.

    Ted's advice above also makes a lot of sense. When you're ready to get there, you will. You're in some shock atm, but it won't last.

    After that, take some time for yourself. Redefine what you need out of this relationship, and what you will and won't put up with if you decide to take her back. Keep in mind that there's going to be a lot of things that you'll say you can't deal with and she'll agree, but come to resent. Be prepared.
     
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  15. Thaeon

    Thaeon Cosmic Question Asker

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    Absolutely stellar advice.

    @TedEH is giving good advice too.

    Time to look at what is meaningful in your life, and take a long, and honest look at what she brings to the table that either helps or doesn't hinder your progress to that end. I split with my Ex Wife in an UGLY and very expensive divorce almost two years ago. While my kids are the best thing to ever happen to me, the end of the marriage to their mom was the second best thing. Though I didn't know it at the time. Right at two years ago, we had moved and settled into a new city. I had all but set work and music aside so she could take a job and finish school. She worked, came home, ate, went upstairs to study, and then passed out. Weekends full too. No down time. No time to connect. And that when she started sharing stuff about previous guys. How she'd been dishonest with them, or asked them to be dishonest with their partners for her benefit. I didn't know anyone in the new town. Didn't have time to meet anyone. And felt so alone and isolated that the ONLY reason I'm still around is that I couldn't bare the thought of what putting an end to myself would put my daughters through. Not long after the Ex's overshare things came to a head and we split. I was broken for a short period. But I was working again, and meeting new people. And I was playing in a band. Which brought me around to my priorities. And a very short list of things that I will never sacrifice for a partner again. I'm currently seeing someone. She knows and doesn't question those things, because I articulated them to her this way. "I've already made the choice between a relationship and these things. If it comes to a conflict you know what will happen. You can either accept that that is who I am or you can move on now. I don't need this relationship. I have friends and family who love me. I have my daughters. I have my music. My needs are met. You're icing on the cake."
     
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  16. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    That is the same advice I give to my younger friends, and also older friends when it comes to dating.

    Younger people have the time and luxury to spare it as they please. As such, they are willing to waste that time on a partner, hoping that their partner will change.

    But once you are of a certain age (maybe 30, or 35, or 40 or whenever YOU feel mature), you've already made up your mind and are willing to only bend so far for someone.

    I know i'm advised not to overshare with people around, but the constant hyper ventilation and twisted thoughts seem to go away when i tell someone. So far i've shared with 4 people at my work. Each is giving great advice and talking sense back into me. They all knew for a while that i've not been acting myself either. They have known me for years and know that i'm usually very stoic and put together. But as of late, i've been a little unhinged and spending WAY too much time together.

    As per them, they all advice to lawyer up. Even if a divorce is not the result of this, and that we CAN work something out...lawyer up.

    going to start hunting a lawyer once i'm home tonight. Maybe see them over the weekend.

    It kind of saddens me to realize how many couples around me are all going through some issue or another. It almost appears that most relationships around me are all disastrous and barely holding up. I thought I was spared, but nope. Life decided to throw me into the mix for shits and giggles.


    hey, look at that....i'm slowly getting my weird sense of humor back.
     
  17. Thaeon

    Thaeon Cosmic Question Asker

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    For what its worth, relationships much like life, end one way or another. And in this country, hopefully not in Canada, marriages end 50% of the time in divorce. So from my perspective, they're risky to begin with. Get a lawyer. Quietly. Get some advice. If/when shit hits the fan, you be the one that files. The respondent is typically looked at like they're just gainsaying whoever filed. If you have evidence of infidelity, document it.
     
  18. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I'm actually going to offer the opposite advice. Share as much as you're comfortable with, and with as many people as you want/can. Be honest when you do. Honest and transparent. You will gain the best advice and perspectives from "over sharing". People will tell you things you already know, but needed to hear from an external source. People will tell you things are aren't willing to admit to yourself. People will tell you things you wouldn't have considered.
     
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  19. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I'd almost argue that it's less that you don't have the time, but more that you just value it more. I've got lots of time. I spent all week doing nothing but playing video games after work.

    The trick is that it's MY time, and I can choose to waste it on my own terms. :lol:
     
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  20. soliloquy

    soliloquy SS.org Regular

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    I've never had the greatest relationship with my dad because he is of the mindset that the world HAS to be extroverted, and anyone who is either an omni/ambivert or introvert is selfish and therefore not a 'good' person. If I want my space, he doesn't understand that and wants to keep meddling. He ended up costing me my previous relationship. And i'm trying really hard to keep him away from this relationship.

    he's noticing that i've been unhinged for last little while, and its being overtly dramatic and trying to do emotional blackmail just to get me to open up to him.

    he was never a fan of my wife because she is SUPER introverted. Now, if he finds out about this, he will keep rubbing it in about 'i told you so' and other bs.

    trying to fight him, while fighting my own sanity, and my wife, and the world and all is just taxing and exhausting

    I'm going to use the ENTIRE weekend to just play the Witcher, and see a lawyer. Dont want to do ANYTHING else.
     

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