SS Love and Relationships Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by SevenStringSam, Jun 17, 2010.

  1. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I have all of this sort of relationship-y energy and confidence and would much rather invest that into myself or into someone who is going to return the favor.
     
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  2. c7spheres

    c7spheres GuitArtist

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    - Oh, ok. I've been following, but honestly have forgot many of the details. I should have gone back and read again for clarity. Sorry about that.
    - I think you need to get some clarity from her and also from this guy. Definitely don't take a 3rd pty's info with any weight though, even if trust them. If it's to much energy to invest in something that you truely believe could be something more than temporary then you may actually just need something temporary or nothing at all, if tht makes sense. I totally agree though. If she isn't being straight and reciprocating then it's not worth it at this time at least. Again, I hope it all goes well and everything works out for you.
     
  3. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    My honest take right at the moment is that nothing is really happening, nobody is cheating, etc., but I think the level of emotional maturity being brought to the table, along with differences in what we want, and the inability to commit or invest equally in a relationship right now is enough reason to call it.
     
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  4. c7spheres

    c7spheres GuitArtist

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    - You gotta do what's best for you. It's not worth it to put energy into something if the other person isn't doing their part. It takes two, as the saying goes. You can only bring it to attention and give as many opportunities as you see fit until you let go.
    - The only thing I would say is not to walk away until you're comfortable in saying to yourself you've done everything you can and did your part, gave ample leniency and opportuny, and truely exhausted every avenue you could reasonably give to the relationship that it deserved to make it work. That way you won't have any regrets when walking away and you won't be as sad about the situation, making it easier to move on.
    - I've left relationships when I was younger and looking back I can see myself as being a little petty about certain things. Things I would easily have no problem putting up with nowadays compared to then. Sometimes I think maybe I passed up a good thing because of my impatience and selfishness.
    - I'm just saying, give it more serious thought, even after you've made your decision. Sometimes things aren't as big a deal as they might seem, but it does sound like she needs to accomodate you more as a partner. Both people need to bend and it sounds like you're doing your part.
     
  5. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    Today was not a great day. Basically ended up mirroring the weekend before where I was promised to see lady-of-undefined-relationship by a specific time, and that time missed by a long shot, then things got messy.

    This weekend was another party with best-friend-who-hates-me, which started at 2am and ended at 10am. This meant a 2 hour drive home, then to my place. I was told 1pm-ish. I had said "that's not likely to happen on time", but she was very adamant it would happen this time. I had replied with "you show up when you show up". Around 11:30 I get a message from roommate saying that they're almost back in town but she has lost her phone. I ask "are they still on the road?" and I get a "yes". Ok, so a bit more waiting, but hey- this is making decent time. To clarify -> roommate is not with them. Best-friend messaged roommate who messaged me.

    Fast forward to about 4:30pm and I've heard nothing. I'm 0% surprised, and decide that I'm going to go buy a switch, cause fvck it, I want one, and it would be nice to get something I want for a change.

    On the way back , it's about 10 to 5, and my phone goes off.... I have an email? Email says she tried to reach me but couldn't think of anything but email since the phone hadn't been found. I message roommate and ask whats going on- apparently she just got in and was trying to email me? I'm told to just go back and reply to the email.

    I'm not going to have this conversation via email of all things. He has a phone, in his hand, that she can call/text/whatever with. Took some convincing, but he eventually hands his phone over so we can talk.

    I get some clarification about the timeline of events from this day:
    Apparently, they were actually in town that early and the phone was lost. Someone used an app of some kind to locate that the last time the phone was on was at a gas station they had gone to before leaving, so she had gone there. Searching for the phone apparently was panicked and frantic and they lost track of the time, and gave up around 3, at which point she heads to my place. At 3, I wasn't expecting anyone so I had been playing music. She knocked but I can't hear her over the amp (It's a Mark IV into a 4x12). I did actually hear a noise, and got up to investigate at one point, but when I got to the door, nobody was there. At this point, she thought I had done this on purpose and just ignored her, so she sat in the car in my parking lot until almost 4 before going home and trying to contact me again.

    So now we're stuck talking via facebook messenger on her roommates phone and I offer that either one of us can drive to the other to have the conversation and she opts to just finish the conversation via text.... because.... I don't know why. We talk though everything going on. We dance around how we're both frustrated and don't want the same things, and that she's not ready for a relationship right now. It's pretty clear from the conversation that we're done.

    It's rough though. I feel like garbage and it feels like I'm giving up something that I do want on some level.
    I basically said lets get some rest and finish the conversation tomorrow. She says that's not going to change anything, I say it doesn't have to. I mostly don't want to end on such a bad note. And lets not kid ourselves, I could use a fucking hug. We'll get some rest. We'll let things sink in. We'll meet up tomorrow in person, and I assume that'll basically be a sort of goodbye for now.

    I hope I'm doing the right thing. :(
     
  6. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter SS.org Regular

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    That lingering deal is what gave me the creepy crawlies. Seriously... should rip it like a band-aid because dragging it out is sincerely not doing anyone any good. The way that relationships end doesn't matter much in the bigger picture anyway. Btw... I felt bad for you as I was reading all of that because you're putting so much energy into all of this and it's just complete bullshit.

    I'm sorry, man... I really am. Strength, dude.
     
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  7. c7spheres

    c7spheres GuitArtist

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    I think you are doing the right thing. There's obviously no reason to end a relationship because of bad scheduling and not being able to make it on time to an appointment or date, but as you were saying she's not ready. This was probably her way of not being ready and trying to hint at that or testing the waters on how lax you are etc. I hope you two can stay freinds and over time work things out, get on the same page and maybe after she matures a bit give it another try. Good people are worth it.
     
  8. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

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    I'd rather fuck the PCB of a Mrak IV than deal with this girl drama. Just a thought.

    I'd literally subject myself to high voltage by touching tip to the inside of the Mrak IV and enjoy the ride across the room and into the wall than have to put up with this wacky shit. Let her best friend or whatever the fuck he is/isn't deal with her shit.
     
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  9. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

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    This. Fuck her and her "best friend." I doubt he puts nearly this much into it. I hope they enjoy each other.

    I know you're just trying to cheer Ted up, and he's good people and deserves it, but... I don't get "good people" vibes from this chick. If all she wanted was someone she could be with at her convenience, then perhaps she should've gotten herself a FWB instead.

    Sorry to be so blunt, but I've dealt with some pretty weird, shitty exes in the past and I don't think Ted -- from the little I know him -- deserves this shit. I would put up with bs in the past, but I currently have a girlfriend that means the world to me, and I intend to keep her, come hell or high water because she is worth it.

    This chick, however, does not seem worth the effort. And yeah, I know I'm missing lots of context and details about her, but still.
     
  10. c7spheres

    c7spheres GuitArtist

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    - Yeh, I hear you. I've been through this stuff too, but for some reason I'm still the hopeless romantic type : )
    - I think trying to preserve the freindship is important if there was somthing there. Sometimes things can work out in the future when the timing is better. Even if not there's always the FWB if desired between the people.
     
  11. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    While I wouldn't normally say that crowdsourced relationship advice from the internet is the way to go, I do think you guys have generally the right idea. It's just stuff that's difficult to implement once someone is right in front of your face.

    At this point I'm basically in salvage-the-friendship mode, rather than expecting to get the relationship back. I don't expect she's ever going to change in such a way that would make her ready for the kind of relationship I want. I won't say it's impossible, but I think it's very unlikely. Her and best-friend-guy used to do the whole FWB thing, I imagine they'll go back to that, but I'd rather not think too much about it.

    What makes it hard for me I suppose is knowing that I'm probably going back to just being me, alone in my apartment most days, just sort of doing my own thing for.... I dunno how long. I'm gonna have to find some excuses to get out and be social.
     
  12. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I don't know what it says about my social life that my outlet for these kind of things, and my source of advice has been.... a guitar forum.
    :(
     
  13. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter SS.org Regular

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    The issue that I have with what you're suggesting is that:

    a.) as a friendship, the girl ( from what we know/ what's been written) seemingly has no character. That not only makes for a shitty g/f but for a shitty friend as well. She's not someone that I feel appreciates the aspects of a sincere relationship. Yeah that may change and probably will to some degree as she gets older BUT...

    b.) as for a future relationship... why? With the shaky foundation that's already been established, I believe that a potential future relationship might develop with underlying issues... especially when "things get rough"... and all relationships go thru rough spots. If it were me anyway, at the first sign of what would normally not be a big deal ( like she's late to meet me or doesn't want to hang out today or whatever other situation) I'm afraid that I'd have this suspicion in the back of my mind that there's something she's not telling me/ something she's not being honest about. Not being ready for a committed relationship shouldn't be an automatic "pass" to treating someone indifferently/ like shit.

    @ TedEH- I've seen/ offered/ been offered a lot of relationship advice on other forums and this community is really pretty impressive when it comes to looking at things from varying perspectives and offering up some pretty solid thoughts. I think that SSO overall has a collectively sound take on these kinds of things. Not the worst place to get some feedback.
     
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  14. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    I don't know if I've ever sort of "formalized" it, in a "putting it into words" way, but generally speaking, I don't normally do the whole maybe-another-time thing. Once I split from someone, I count that is being final. There would have to be a pretty drastic change before I would try something like that.

    I mean, there's always exceptions - I've done it before, sort of - it was more of a "take a break" situation than a split, and things lasted another couple of years after that. But once you reach that point of wanting out, I think it's safe to say that things are doomed. You can't re-enter a relationship with that kind of resentment in your history and expect things to go smoothly.
     
  15. p0ke

    p0ke 7-string guitard

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    I think this is a perfectly fine place for an outlet and advice - after all, we've all got at least seven things in common :lol:
    On a more serious note, I think these kinds of things are much easier to discuss anonymously than with someone you actually know IRL. Plus there's actually some really good advice and empathy here.

    Also, another hopeless romantic here - but given the latest developments, it sounds like there isn't much to salvage there. Best of luck with trying to keep the friendship, but I suspect it's going to be awkward at best...

    Regarding the "have to force yourself to be social" thing: I wouldn't worry too much. Just keep an open mind and things will happen when they're supposed to. If you know the movie Yes Man, that's basically what I did (not that religiously though :lol:) and ended up finding my wife.
     
  16. c7spheres

    c7spheres GuitArtist

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    I understand where you're coming from. I think it's good for everyone to give their perspective so people asking for input can have different options to ponder. I'm obviously much more laid back and easy going about certain things and always hope for the best, try to retain freindships if possible etc. I do believe that under other circumstances things can work out in the future or that given time people can gain perspective and grow more mature, SOMETIMES. I'm just saying that when looking at the big picture, this type of stuff is more of an adjustment period phase and two people getting in sync. It can take time for it to happen, and for people to break old habits, but if it ultimately doesn't then maybe consider it disrespectful and think twice. It's really just what an individual considers crossing the line compared to another. Some people are pretty lenient and others are not. It's just whatever works best for that person.
     
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  17. c7spheres

    c7spheres GuitArtist

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    I think it's a great way to keep things anonymous to your circle of freinds and family, but still get advise or input from people you are still familiar with and comfortable talking to.
     
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  18. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    The story is officially over at this point, I guess. I went over last night like I said I would. I brought over the things she had left at my place, and had intended to collect my things and go. Instead we went for a long-ish walk, got some coffee - it was actually a nice night in that sense. I ended up staying until the morning but maybe I shouldn't have. I made the point that once I leave I probably won't be back for a good while, so it was sort of this sentiment of trying to enjoy as much of eachothers company as was available before we inevitably had to be at work or something. Slept through the alarm though. Rushed out the door, but made it to work on time.

    I guess that's it. I'm going strait home after work, there's no intention to go back there any time soon, and where we stand has been made very clear. Also, with no phone, there's no easy way for either of us to contact eachother for a while anyway.

    I made a point of going back to the place I used to stop for coffee before work. Get the old routine going again. I see a lot of video games in my near future.

    Thanks for the support/advice, guys.
     
  19. Ordacleaphobia

    Ordacleaphobia Shameless Contrarian

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    Yeah...I'm happy, and sad, to hear this.
    As soon as I saw that her reaction to that was to then go out to a party with this guy, where you are explicitly not invited, I couldn't sit on the fence anymore. Leaving was definitely the right call.

    I put up with that bullshit for 5 years. I had this ex that secretly (to me, anyway) dated my friend for 2 years before switching to me. It was a strange time where the three of us were all friends but didn't see each other often, so I never really got the chance to notice anything. I was not made aware of this until a couple months after we got together, and then I learned that she didn't leave him until we had already been together for a couple weeks.

    I tried to be the adult in the room and keep everyone civil, move forward, and continue to be friends, but he just wasn't having it. He kept trying to take her back. He would try and do the whole 'big dick in the locker room' routine whenever the three of us were together, I'd be at the butt of every joke of his, just your standard basic bitch passive aggressive behavior. She refused to recognize what he was doing.

    He even tried to talk her into going on vacation with him, and asked her not to tell me, and she still didn't buy that he was still trying to get in her pants. Once I heard about this, I decided it was ultimatum time, and she 'chose' me, and we told him not to contact us again. They kept hanging out behind my back for the next 4 years. I caught her multiple times, and every time, she would let loose this deluge of tears and apologize that she didn't appreciate what she had and didn't want to throw things away over something so stupid, and every time I let her slide because she meant so much to me and I desperately wanted to believe her. Whether she ever actually cheated on me or not, I'll never know; but she may as well have. The constant uncertainty and sense of unease was overwhelming. I couldn't listen to her tell me she loved me without wondering if she was sincere. Not to mention how oftentimes you feel like 'the bad guy' for trying to pull her away from a friend. Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and left. Nobody in that entire circle of friends talks to each other anymore because of it, save for the guy's cousin, who I'm still best friends with.

    I wouldn't ever wish that hell on anybody, and it sounds like that was the exact ride you were in for. I seriously can't tell you how glad for you I am that you recognized that and pressed eject.

    I don't mean to sound insensitive, but you absolutely can be mad at her. She took a vow. Marriage is a commitment. It is not a venture you stumble into without a sound understanding of who you are, who your partner is, what your collective needs are, and how to handle yourself. I get it, she's not in a good place, and that's caused some friction in your house- but that doesn't get her out of her commitments.

    The real question is, do you believe her?

    To circle back to my life's story up above, I saw a lot of stuff like this:
    Desperate strings of promises and praise designed to leverage the feelings you have for her into letting it go.
    Are they true? Maybe. The only one who knows for sure is her. YOU need to decide if YOU believe this. If you think she'll stick by these words, remember them, and make the right changes in her life.

    Marriage is a game of compromises and will always have work, so if you believe her, and you think she's genuinely remorseful and will put in the work to move past this, you owe it to her to give her that chance and try to make things work. That was your part of that commitment. However....if you doubt her, you are well within your rights to pump the brakes and hold her to account. Because this:
    ...is bogus. You can always leave. It will be rough. People will be upset. But nobody has the right to dictate to you how you live your life. Financial reasons be damned; sell the house, divide the assets, and live in a cheap apartment if you need to. It's a shitty option having to scale down your quality of life, but it absolutely is an option. Especially the bolded part, man; don't do that to yourself. It really disheartens me to see how little credit so many people give their friends. Good friends live for moments like this. I don't even know you dude but I'd offer you my couch, an ear, and a beer for as long as you need- these people that are an integral part of your life care and I'd bet cold hard cash that they would want to help you through this, regardless of how they feel about her.

    One other thing I would caution is to avoid this line of thinking:
    A wife, dumbass. Said with love, bro. Right now the main concern is your guys' relationship. If that's something that you want in your life, the best thing you can do for yourself is to work for it.
    That said, either route you take....I get it. I'm so sorry dude. I can't imagine how you must feel.
     
    Last edited: Dec 2, 2019
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  20. KnightBrolaire

    KnightBrolaire jUsT bUy A 5150

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    @TedEH
    fuck being friends with her. burn that bridge asap. don't hang around toxic people.
     

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