SS Love and Relationships Thread

Space_Shift

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I don't think you, or this new guy are the problem, SHE is the problem. From the sounds of it, she has some serious insecurities that are going to require a lot of work before she's truly able to be in a healthy, positive, functional relationship.

I tried to help her with that situation, i'm not perfect too, because i have my own insecurities and problems but i tried to give all to her and that she was the best person to me.
In some occasions she told me that she was worried that "i might go with another girl that would be better that her" and i always told to her that nobody was better that her, i was loyal to her in every way.

But it's more sad to me that with all those things she said to me, she's with another person after a week we broke up.

After 3 weeks of the broke up i feel not too sad but i tend to remember the good moments with her and tell to myself on why it happened and i would like to return in time and make things the best way. Last Tuesday i received a message on Whatsapp from her saying to me "I hope you are well", i feel a little weird now about that message. I replied with the same thing to her, she only watched the message with no reply.
 

Simic

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Me again, so I'm just looking to see if what I feel is normal - I feel this forum has some great insight for us 'youngsters' when it comes to relationships.

So anyway, the girl I was on about in my last post - with whom I agreed to see what happens when we're both back from our exchanges (which is in 2 years) - has just became friends with my ex (note to self: why did I have to hook up with so many girls from my own uni??) and she told me she feels guilty because of what we are doing. Today, I decided it is best for both of us to totally end anything we had left (I've been gone for 2 weeks now already) including texting.

I feel like it was the mature and right thing to do because if her and my ex have a chance at being good friends I feel like I don't want to be the thing standing in their way. Like I tried to be empathetic and thought about my good friends - all their exes are a no-go simply because of our friendship - so I understand the dilemma she was feeling, I just helped her solve it quickly. We both thanked each other for the time spent together and the lessons we learned and told each other that we're really gonna miss 'us'.

However, I still feel like shit today, although I understand what she is feeling right now and I want what's best for both of them. It's just the fact that I've been texting/talking with this person for the last half a year all day every day and now suddenly she is gone from my life and the plan to "see what happens in 2 years" is also probably dead. I feel like I did the right thing and I am proud of myself for it and I wanna be happy about it as well but I still feel like shit today even though I really try not to, like I went for a run, I went to the gym, I ate healthy but nothing helps.

This is normal right? Anything I can do to make me feel better about it? Like it already motivated me to be a better version of myself (as did every break up) so that once they see me again they see what they're missing out on (I know this sounds childish, but this is what motivates me at the gym for example). What I am basically asking myself is if I carry too much emotional baggage to succeed with the next girl or are the things I'm feeling normal?
 
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MFB

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Uh, why can't they be friends and you two also be a couple?

The only thing that logically would stand to make that a bad situation is if one, or both, of you wanted to get back with the other. But you'd have this new girl, and if she (the ex) was to be truly friends with new girl - she'd see her happiness and acknowledge that it'd be a shitty move to try and destroy that for her own; because that's not what a friend does.
 

Simic

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I totally agree, I debated the situation with a friend yesterday and came to conclusion that if she is what I feel she is, this won't get in the way for much longer (you know how girls in their early 20s form and also break up friendships in like 3 weeks). And if this is such a deal breaker then I guess she wasn't what I thought she was and it wasn't worth the effort anyway :)
 

Tyler

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Was off an on with a chick for a while. Not sure why I stayed around as she cheated on me with a guy I hate, was abusive mentally, emotionally, and physically (I had to get her arrested one night) as well as super manipulative, and ended up making me look like the problem in the long run.

Overall though, what really sucks is when someone makes you upset, then blows up on you for being upset
 

Spaced Out Ace

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Was off an on with a chick for a while. Not sure why I stayed around as she cheated on me with a guy I hate, was abusive mentally, emotionally, and physically (I had to get her arrested one night) as well as super manipulative, and ended up making me look like the problem in the long run.

Overall though, what really sucks is when someone makes you upset, then blows up on you for being upset
Because you don't value yourself and have low self-worth.
 

Church2224

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Here is a question....

Is anyone here on the Autism Spectrum and in a relationship? Reason I ask is I am (I have been diagnosed) and I am trying to figure out a few things as I know when it comes to women I go from 0 to full Aspy in .5 seconds.
 

youngthrasher9

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I don't know where else to ask this, but here goes.

Does anyone have any tips for a guy who fell for a girl that has really bad PTSD?

I learned how to help during a flashback from some of my buddies who were in the military, so that part is a non-issue other than the fact that it can be fucking terrifying.
 

naw38

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If you know how to help with flashbacks, I don't see what the issue could be. I don't know man, same as any other relationship, just be patient, learn to recognise triggers, have contingency plans in place. Vigilance!

Edit: That probably wasn't helpful, I'm sorry. I'm exhausted and sick and drunk and my daughter ain't even gone to bed.
 
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Zender

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You have two options basically (and I'll voice them rather harsh, to make them clear)
1) I can't deal with this, I don't want this drama in my life.. -> GTFO. And deal with the temporary shitty feeling of not being with her.
2) She's worth it, and I will stand by her, even through the hard times, and NOT dick around if things go a bit sideways, because that will hurt her even more and put a broken heart and trust issues on top of PTSD.

If you choose 2, do it with proper conviction. It may be a bumpy ride, but if she's worth it, she's worth it. Be honest to yourself, and to her. And maybe, accept it if you are not the one to help her and be with her. If you are the one, go for it!

(Talking from experience, I went for it, and never looked back, dealt with the rough bits that still sometimes pop up. And now have the most awesome friend, partner and perhaps one day wife and mother of our children I could ever wish for. Been together for almost ten years.)

[edit note] Also, contingency plans (as in, keeping a girl on the side who might be interested in you, or whatever you call it) are a bad idea. They take away from your emotional investment in the one you are with. It's all or nothing, don't dick around and let those contingency plans have a life of their own as well. [/edit note]
 

naw38

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Oh shit man, that’s not what I meant by contingency plans; I meant in the event that PTSD flairs up on a date or event, having a way out or a way to deal with the situation.
 

Zender

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Oh shit man, that’s not what I meant by contingency plans; I meant in the event that PTSD flairs up on a date or event, having a way out or a way to deal with the situation.

Right, good on you. *grin*

Well yes, that is indeed something to keep in mind as it will happen. Maybe talk it over beforehand to see what you can do to help if something like that happens.

Sometimes it's just "Don't get mad if I want to go home, just go with me." and you'll be fine with it. :)
 

naw38

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Sometimes it's just "Don't get mad if I want to go home, just go with me." and you'll be fine with it.

So, my wife and I are polyamorous, and this right here is pretty much how you deal with anything; I imagine it's the same for any relationship but it's something that's become immensely important since we became poly - communication, and understanding of each others feelings. Basically just shutting the fuck up and listening to what each other has to say and seeing things from their perspective, finding out what your partner needs, giving it to them and being accepting. All relationships are hard, but that makes things easier for us.
 

broj15

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Long stupid blog post incoming. If ya don't care about ex gf drama then skip the first part.

OK, so I've gone through alot of changes in the past couple months and I feel like I need to write it somewhere to put it into perspective.

Two months ago me and my partner of 1 year broke up. We had been experiencing issues for quite some time, but things finally came to a breaking point for her. We tried to make it work and fix our problems for a while, but it wasn't getting better. Then we tried to get along as friends, but that didn't work because, admittedly I was doing it with the intention of us getting back together. She wasn't. During this time she was talking to/sleeping with other guys as well as me. I found this out and decided I'd had enough of it. A week or two and several arguments later I decided it was best if I not talk to her again. That was about 2 weeks ago. In that time she's tried to contact me 3 times. The first 2 times I either didn't respond or brushed her off. The last time she asked me if I hated her and I said no, but that I no longer felt anything for her and didn't want to talk to her anymore. She got upset and said what she always says: "it was you who gave up on us, you're so selfish, etc. Etc". Now, I've noticed she has a pattern. She always tries to be "friends" with her ex's, especially ones she knows she's hurt, in order to make herself feel less guilty about hurting them. I know that's what she's trying to do with me, and I'm not going to play into it cuz it just means trouble.


Now, on to a lighter, much more positive note (and possible advice needed). After finally cutting things off with my ex (though I'd say I subconsciously wanted to for quite a while) I decided fvck it, and re downloaded tinder. It doesn't take long and I match with a girl who's pretty damn cute, and seems interesting enough so I send her a message. A couple days later and we decide to meet up. Things go smoothly: non stop conversation, we make each other laugh, etc. That was last Friday and we've hung out 2 more times since then. Tonight was the third time we've hung out. Before we parted ways she said she had a really good time and we ended up kissing for the first time. Perhaps TMI but I initiated like the first 25% and then she enthusiastically came the rest of the way.

Now, here's my "problem". Since the break up with my ex was relatively recent, and tbh quite rough my confidence is still pretty low right now. Also, for whatever reason I can not get a read on this girl to save my life. Typically I'm very perceptive of how people really feel about me in general, but she's different. Not like she's playing me hot n cold, but more like hot and luke warm if that makes sense, but she's also kinda awkward/shy in general so it could just be part of that.

So in sso's opinion does it sound like I'm just overanalyzing everything because I'm still kinda "recovering" from the break up and that I really have nothing to worry about? I feel like it would make it alot easier and maybe relieve some of the tension if I'm just straight forward with her. As in I'm not really looking for a hook-up, but I don't want something serious right off the bat, but I do like her and I definitely enjoy hanging out with her.

Well, that was longer than I expected, but if anyone can sift through all that, I'd appreciate any advice y'all got.
 

Edika

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At broj15, concerning the second part of your post I'd say yes you're overanalyzing the situation and it makes sense as you're coming out of a breakup. They usually say honesty is the best way but being too honest on the wrong timing is not the correct strategy. If you have a good time with this girl and are not sure if you're want to be serious then just take everything a day at a time. See how it goes and react accordingly. Not everything has to be planned in advance and have specific goals, especially romantic affairs. If it works out great, if it doesn't then you'll just part ways.
 

JoeyJoJoJrShabadoo

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A month ago or so I matched with a girl on Tinder and we hit it off pretty fast, exchanged numbers and have been talking non-stop since. I asked her out for that weekend but she was heading back home for Christmas and was staying for 3 weeks to focus on an assignment for uni. Fair enough, timing is a funny thing. Anyway, we continue to talk the entire time and before we've even met it's become clear we're both quite into each other. Earlier this week I asked her out on a date for this weekend when she's back. She said "I'm sorry but I'll have to reluctantly decline so I can do the finishing touches on my assignment. It's due Monday". I said "That's totally fine, we'll just get together next weekend". So last night (the day of the proposed date she turned down) we're talking, and she tells me she's off to the pub with her friend. I didn't hear from her the rest of the night. She messages me in the morning like it's no big deal.

What the fuck? I know I haven't met this girl yet, but I've been talking to her for nearly a month non-stop, and I was perfectly understanding when she turned me down for what seemed to me a perfectly valid reason. Yet she just goes out on that same day like I never even asked her? Like her excuse for not going on a date was bullshit.

Am I right to be upset/annoyed? I haven't responded to her message she sent this morning. Feels wrong to be sort of ghosting her, but I feel like I've been wronged.
 

Spaced Out Ace

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A month ago or so I matched with a girl on Tinder and we hit it off pretty fast, exchanged numbers and have been talking non-stop since. I asked her out for that weekend but she was heading back home for Christmas and was staying for 3 weeks to focus on an assignment for uni. Fair enough, timing is a funny thing. Anyway, we continue to talk the entire time and before we've even met it's become clear we're both quite into each other. Earlier this week I asked her out on a date for this weekend when she's back. She said "I'm sorry but I'll have to reluctantly decline so I can do the finishing touches on my assignment. It's due Monday". I said "That's totally fine, we'll just get together next weekend". So last night (the day of the proposed date she turned down) we're talking, and she tells me she's off to the pub with her friend. I didn't hear from her the rest of the night. She messages me in the morning like it's no big deal.

What the fuck? I know I haven't met this girl yet, but I've been talking to her for nearly a month non-stop, and I was perfectly understanding when she turned me down for what seemed to me a perfectly valid reason. Yet she just goes out on that same day like I never even asked her? Like her excuse for not going on a date was bullshit.

Am I right to be upset/annoyed? I haven't responded to her message she sent this morning. Feels wrong to be sort of ghosting her, but I feel like I've been wronged.
I'd act like she doesn't exist. Just move on.
 


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