SS Love and Relationships Thread
- Thread starter SevenStringSam
- Start date
I know the whole coworkers deal usually gets frowned upon, but I feel like it's something people just like to lean on as an excuse when things go bad. I've dated people I worked with before, and it was never as big a problem as people claim, even continuing to work together after things broke down. It's not any worse than those people who continue to live with their ex, or things like that. IMO, you shouldn't pick your relationships based on convenience and logistics, it should be based around judgments of character and the value that you can contribute to eachothers lives.
Maybe I'm just more willing to take those kinds of risks than some people though- and I do recognize there's some added risk to that kind of situation. But I'd do it anyway. Coworkers? Sure. Old friends? Yup. Recent breakup? Who cares, go for it. Known/diagnosed psychological issues? Whatever. I've never regretted taking a risk on someone I thought could bring some real value to my life, but I have regretted not taking the risk. YMMV
You're probably right. I was younger then and definitely a lot more weaker (mentally) than I am now.
There are a lot of people at the place that I work that met, dated and are now married.
I just think thats its risky business but then again, you never know until you try.
IMO, you shouldn't pick your relationships based on convenience and logistics, it should be based around judgments of character and the value that you can contribute to eachothers lives.
Maybe I'm just more willing to take those kinds of risks than some people though- and I do recognize there's some added risk to that kind of situation. But I'd do it anyway. Coworkers? Sure. Old friends? Yup. Recent breakup? Who cares, go for it. Known/diagnosed psychological issues? Whatever. I've never regretted taking a risk on someone I thought could bring some real value to my life, but I have regretted not taking the risk. YMMV
You know, I've thought about your post for a while. Looking at relationships and friendships beyond trust and more in terms of added value makes a lot of sense. Being a very empathetic person myself it's easy to give ample amounts, without setting an expected bar for what is/could/will be received in return. The results have ended about as bad as you'd expect - textbook doormat.
Yeah, I live in a pretty small town as well, but i don't live far from cities where there is a greater population. I pretty much have no way to be social down there in person to meet girls. So i resort to online dating, like i have always done, and it hasn't been great lately. It is depressing knowing that most of them are not worth committing to, and when you find the few that you are interested in, then you send a message and they probably won't even reply. The best ways i have gotten girls to reply is if i mention a obscure band or movie they mentioned on their profile right off the bat. that's how pretty much all of my conversations start. but its kind of rare that that happens. So it's depressing searching through profiles most of the time and it makes me feel lonely, but if i don't then i probably won't find someone on there. I don't know. I like to think that in my case. I may be waiting longer, but I hope when i find the right person, it will be amazing and way better than if i had just had a bunch of meaningless relationships. It still sucks though because I think of finding the right girl, and being with an imaginary girlfriend way too much. I also still miss my ex, which sucks. I have the top reasons in my head of why it is a good thing i am no longer with her and i just think of those and keep pushing through. One of the things i like to think is this breakup is like a strengthening process, strengthening me for the next relationship, which may be with the person i be with for years and years, who knows, but I will appreciate the next relationship even more and not take it for granted. I get impatient sometimes, but remind myself, I am probably not just going to find the right person who i will probably spend years with all of the sudden right after a break up. I have started seeing escorts. I think it is a good thing for me. I hope it isn't inappropriate to talk about that here. I get attached to easily and i think it will keep me satisfied when done occasionally until i find someone else who is worth committing too. Just felt like ranting.
Ibanezsam4
SS.org Regular
in the home stretch for getting my wife back lol. This weekend she needs to support another event out of state but starting Monday she's taking time off to unwind and get back into a regular schedule
ASoC
Downpicker \m/
Had a really weird night, realized that I'm more broken than I thought. It's going to be a long time before I should consider messing with women. I have a lot of work to do on myself before I can put myself out there again.
cwhitey2
BlackendCrust Metal™
Don't feel down buddy, we have all been there or at least I have been.
I have been single for 3 years now...I'm not even sure on the time span anymore.
The one thing I have learned is you have to make yourself happy before you can truly make someone else happy.
ASoC
Downpicker \m/
Feeling better about it today.
Basically what happened was: This girl I knew and messed around with in highschool and I started talking and suddenly within a week she was in my room ready to get piped. The whole thing felt strange and it being actually 0 effort made it feel wrong (never mind the fact that she has a bf, which also weighed on my conscience a lot more heavily than I thought it would). I got the sense that she has sex compulsively and it felt like she wanted a dick, not like she wanted me. Needless to say, I found the whole thing weird and wasn't into it. We ended up talking and when I said that I just wanted to understand (which is basically my defining trait) and she told me not to say it because her bf says it. She also told me she still loved me when she left. Naturally, this leads me to believe that she stays with her bf because he's somewhat like me, which just makes me sad for both of them.
Now I feel like such an asshole for the .... I did when I was 17 and I feel like I ....ed this girl up almost as badly as my ex did to me.
Basically what happened was: This girl I knew and messed around with in highschool and I started talking and suddenly within a week she was in my room ready to get piped. The whole thing felt strange and it being actually 0 effort made it feel wrong (never mind the fact that she has a bf, which also weighed on my conscience a lot more heavily than I thought it would). I got the sense that she has sex compulsively and it felt like she wanted a dick, not like she wanted me. Needless to say, I found the whole thing weird and wasn't into it. We ended up talking and when I said that I just wanted to understand (which is basically my defining trait) and she told me not to say it because her bf says it. She also told me she still loved me when she left. Naturally, this leads me to believe that she stays with her bf because he's somewhat like me, which just makes me sad for both of them.
Now I feel like such an asshole for the .... I did when I was 17 and I feel like I ....ed this girl up almost as badly as my ex did to me.
Is it bad that I still can't get my ex out of my head? Yeah, I guess I do have some integrity by resisting all urges to contact, but I don't feel like I am a strong person though, since I am still emotionally wrecked from it. I seriously don't know what else to do. I have just tried been keeping strong every single day, hoping the pain will go away and I will eventually stop thinking about her. It seriously was just so bad for me emotionally. I was on cloud 9 with her, and it ended so sudden, no closure, nothing. I faced breakup head on, cold turkey, embraced the grief. And here I am still not over her. Not feeling much growth from the pain I have endured. I just feel lonely, weak, and broken emotionally. She probably thinks I am just fine right now. I kind of wished she knew how I felt, and what she did to me emotionally.
High Plains Drifter
... drifting...
The feelings that you're having can be considered fairly normal ( definitely understandable) given the fact of how badly the heart can break after it's allowed to run so recklessly... stumbling head over heels into territory that is so dangerously wonderful. Some people are more reserved and cautious and some people just don't make that connection with someone, so for those kinds of individuals, a break-up may not be as difficult. Or for those people that need or want out of a relationship, it's certainly manageable or even a relief to be done with it.
But unfortunately there are those other special relationships that seem to take their toll on our hearts.... because it was seemingly so perfect, or because we jived so well with that person, or because we gave so much of ourselves to that person, or because we were just co-dependent and/ or needy from the start. After all, we often times had preexisting flaws or weaknesses long before that "perfect one" ever came along anyway and it's good to recognize that. You are being forced to deal with all of that as you grieve. That's why it sucks so bad and why it takes a long time sometimes, and why the pain seems to just never go away... but it will. It may never be completely healed up, as the lasting effects from a broken heart can span many weeks, months, or even years.
But the thing is that you will in time find yourself managing the reality of what happened, what it was and what it was not, and how you as an individual will forge and create your own solace. Life is not perfect and neither are any relationships. Being in a ....ty relationship is imo worse than flying solo for a few months or even years. Part of your mind tries ( in an almost self-sabotaging way) to believe that this was actually a good relationship but there is another part of you that knows that it was not. There is also a part of you that knows that you must keep trudging forward. The further that you come and the more that you are able to physically distance yourself ( in regards to taking it one day at a time and consistently building upon that), the better it is going to get emotionally.
It hasn't really been all that long yet... especially as emphatically taken with this girl as you were. The main thing is to continue putting more and more time between the break-up and where you are now... That means no contact... none. Gradually you will understand that whatever she may or may not think about you, or how you are doing, etc... simply does not matter at all. You may still feel a bit weathered, callous, or hurt even at that point where you begin to crest the hill, but when you eventually DO reach that stage in your grieving, then you will find yourself feeling much better about yourself and [likely] appreciative to have gone thru what you did... because that is where you will really begin to be able to identify with that strength and character that I first mentioned a few pages back.
You're gonna be alright man.
I am trying to be grateful for grief that the breakup caused, and I want to believe that I will gain strength from this that will benefit me in the future. I try to look at it as, I had a great time when I was with her, and I also get the opportunity to grow from the breakup too. That has probably been the main motivation that has kept me from turning into a baby and crying at her front door. The emotional wound may be extremely painful and may take a while to heal, but I hope whatever I gain from it will be worth it. I was very emphatically inclined with her. This breakup was so complex, it's hard to not think about it a lot, especially since their was no closure. She is a little mentally unstable and is not very good at expressing herself, so who knows what she thinks. I know she genuinely cared about me when we were together though. I might see her at a Steven Wilson show later this year, so unfortunately that might make things bittersweet. If she did ever try to talk to me again, I am not sure if I could, or should, even though I really care for her, and we share rare interests. I feel like I could never forgive her for what she did. So that also makes it hard.
austink
SS.org Regular
The best advice can give is to stop caring what she thinks/how she feels. That all needs to stay in the past. I was in a very bad relationship where she was mentally very ill and abusing medication. I wore myself out trying to get her help etc. When it all ended she was completely off her rocker. But it wasn't my issue and I wiped my hands of her and never cared/thought what she was feeling.
Chances are you wont get the closure you want and holding out hope for that will just make you suffer more. It honestly doesn't matter if you came out of it better or worse or if you had good memories or not. It is over now and it wont be important soon enough. Being sad about wont make it hurt less or make you heal any faster. Don't waste your effort on wondering if you will ever talk/ihow it would be to run into each other.
Chances are you wont get the closure you want and holding out hope for that will just make you suffer more. It honestly doesn't matter if you came out of it better or worse or if you had good memories or not. It is over now and it wont be important soon enough. Being sad about wont make it hurt less or make you heal any faster. Don't waste your effort on wondering if you will ever talk/ihow it would be to run into each other.
High Plains Drifter
... drifting...
Closure is something that we don't often get because as long as you're still feeling vulnerable or sensitive about the whole thing, then where do you draw the line in regards to "what is closure"? The closure must come from within yourself... essentially your mind and heart working together to get beyond the breakup for the sake of your own emotional health and stability. That means taking from that whole mess, that which will help you to understand and accept that the relationship was simply not ever going to successfully work in the long term.
It's easy for someone to suggest that you simply stop thinking/ obsessing over the relationship and subsequent breakup but we are all different and [as stated already] there are a good deal of psychological and behavioral components already in place. That's what makes us all different and that's why it's easier for some people to let things go as opposed to others that may take longer to get past something like this.
No one ever said that healing, grieving, and moving forward was fun nor easy... But that is just part of life. I think that you're doing great in regards to not contacting her and you are proving to yourself that you can move forward in that regard and that the world didn't end just because this one particular relationship didn't work out.
But what you deserve and must work towards, is letting go of the emotional turmoil. There is nothing there for you to analyze about her. Nothing in regards to what she thinks about you or how you're doing is relevant... not if you are to grow and learn and become stronger emotionally. That's the part that you have to get beyond.
You may think of her every single day for months to come...and that's okay as long as you're not obsessing and as long as that isn't negatively affecting your day to day life ( activities, moods, motivation, etc). Lingering thoughts flow thru the mind pretty damned freely so it's not as if you have to try to force yourself to not have random thoughts here and there. That's just going to happen for a while. But how you deal with those thoughts is the key... and eventually you WILL find yourself having those random thoughts less and less.
You just can't be consumed by this. File it under "Sometimes life just sucks" because honestly, it does. Pain is manageable and it is necessary. But it is also necessary to stay grounded and sane. That's where your heart and your mind have to get on-board... self-preservation, man. You can love again and you can live life without being miserable. You just have to utilize the attributes that you have. You possess the means to manage your feelings just as you have proven that you possess the means to refrain from contacting her.
WHEN... not "if"... but when you finally purge most of this toxicity out of your system, you will discover that seeing her at a show or on the street or with another dude really is not a big deal. Right now the thought of those scenarios may seem like an anxiety-producing nightmare. But believe me... when you are finally able to get beyond this in a way that allows you to recognize how bad the relationship was, and how bad she was for your mental health and emotional stability, it will make you look at things quite differently... more like "Oh... There's that chick that I used to go out with... Meh... whatever."
Essentially what I'm saying is that if you allow your "survival instincts" to overcome this "tragedy", then they will. You have that ability and that necessity to get beyond this. It will simply take continued assertiveness and perseverance. If you feel that reaching out for support is helping, then by all means keep it up. Getting your feelings off your chest isn't a bad thing and it often times helps us to identify with reality.
Anyway... keep moving forward. Eventually this will pass.
BucketheadRules
Fuzz pedal hoarder
I ended things with my girlfriend today.
She was great, she made me really happy for a while and treated me like a king, but for whatever reason I've had cold feet recently, and it was not a feeling I could shake. For a little while now I just haven't felt the same about her as I did at the start (a couple of months ago). It was always clear to me that she was a lot more into me than I was into her, and I couldn't make it work in my head any more. It didn't seem like a healthy way to go about things and it wasn't making me happy any more.
I was as nice about it as I could possibly be, I made sure she knew it was nothing she'd done wrong, but obviously and understandably she got very upset. She started crying, and by the end of it I was in tears too. It was a f*cking horrible experience... I don't feel like I have the right to complain because it was me that ended it, but I hate the feeling of having upset her like that, even though I know it was the right decision for me. And for her too, because as I said, it'd hurt both of us far more if I'd strung it out and stayed in a relationship I wasn't happy in.
I feel like a turd though.
She was great, she made me really happy for a while and treated me like a king, but for whatever reason I've had cold feet recently, and it was not a feeling I could shake. For a little while now I just haven't felt the same about her as I did at the start (a couple of months ago). It was always clear to me that she was a lot more into me than I was into her, and I couldn't make it work in my head any more. It didn't seem like a healthy way to go about things and it wasn't making me happy any more.
I was as nice about it as I could possibly be, I made sure she knew it was nothing she'd done wrong, but obviously and understandably she got very upset. She started crying, and by the end of it I was in tears too. It was a f*cking horrible experience... I don't feel like I have the right to complain because it was me that ended it, but I hate the feeling of having upset her like that, even though I know it was the right decision for me. And for her too, because as I said, it'd hurt both of us far more if I'd strung it out and stayed in a relationship I wasn't happy in.
I feel like a turd though.
^It happens man. Any time I had to break off a relationship like that I've always felt like complete sh*t. I don't like making someone go through that, especially when they don't see it coming or are expecting more. We're just more empathetic than some, I guess.
I haven't checked this thread in a while. Came back to find this. Somehow, I am awfully proud of you and feel like you have come a long way from where you were just a few months ago. As you said, it feels awful, but it's what had to be done to avoid further and greater grief. You'll be good man, and so will she.
What can I say dude... you'll be alright. It takes longer for some than others, especially when the emotional investment was strong and even more so if things just went up in smoke with no closure at all. Seems like you're still coming to terms with what happened, but slowly you'll begin planting your feet on solid ground and you'll start having some snippets of clarity here and there that'll make you feel good. Whenever you find yourself in one of these moments of clarity where you're able to rationalize your feelings and when you see that it isn't worth it being in that state of mind, remember it. Remember how good that moment of clarity felt. Use it for reference in the future and it'll help you stay grounded. In the future, those moments will become more frequent and will become longer, to the point that it will hopefully become your status quo. Also, it is true that whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. You just have to soldier through the storm until you begin to see the silver lining. I know what I said sounds vague and rather fantastical, as I'm offering no concrete or specific advice, but it's exactly how you'll feel once you're past this and look back. Hang in there dude, and vent when you need to.
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That said, I've found myself not giving two single f*cks about dating or seeing anyone for the last couple of months, and I feel like a king in that regard. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, then I'm probably better off that way anyway.
I admit to having had a couple of pretty awful days in the last few months remembering everything that happened last year and wondering what she might be up to, but I've begun to think of that 'baggage' as battle scars that make me a slightly more interesting and more well-rounded person.I haven't checked this thread in a while. Came back to find this. Somehow, I am awfully proud of you and feel like you have come a long way from where you were just a few months ago. As you said, it feels awful, but it's what had to be done to avoid further and greater grief. You'll be good man, and so will she.
What can I say dude... you'll be alright. It takes longer for some than others, especially when the emotional investment was strong and even more so if things just went up in smoke with no closure at all. Seems like you're still coming to terms with what happened, but slowly you'll begin planting your feet on solid ground and you'll start having some snippets of clarity here and there that'll make you feel good. Whenever you find yourself in one of these moments of clarity where you're able to rationalize your feelings and when you see that it isn't worth it being in that state of mind, remember it. Remember how good that moment of clarity felt. Use it for reference in the future and it'll help you stay grounded. In the future, those moments will become more frequent and will become longer, to the point that it will hopefully become your status quo. Also, it is true that whatever doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. You just have to soldier through the storm until you begin to see the silver lining. I know what I said sounds vague and rather fantastical, as I'm offering no concrete or specific advice, but it's exactly how you'll feel once you're past this and look back. Hang in there dude, and vent when you need to.
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That said, I've found myself not giving two single f*cks about dating or seeing anyone for the last couple of months, and I feel like a king in that regard. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, then I'm probably better off that way anyway.
These past few days have probably been the least painful in a while. It seems grief really does come in waves. I feel like, even though it has felt absolutely horrible, this path without her is best for me.
I wonder if it is really true that you won't likely find true love when you look for it all of the time.
BucketheadRules
Fuzz pedal hoarder
That feel when you see your ex's tweets and so on and just think... "I have nothing against her but I'm SO glad I'm not with her any more".
I was definitely right to end it.
Anyway, looks like I have a date next week
I was definitely right to end it.
Anyway, looks like I have a date next week
MFB
Banned
Went out tonight with spicy little Italian number tonight. She made some pretty cheesy jokes but she made up for it by flashing these real saucy looks my way.
Fine...
I'll be honest, I had a dinner date and it was with pizza, but pizza won't break my heart; just clof the arteries leading to it.
Fine...
I'll be honest, I had a dinner date and it was with pizza, but pizza won't break my heart; just clof the arteries leading to it.
