SS Love and Relationships Thread

[Seybsnilksz]

Best advice I can give you (like you've already identified) is to keep yourself busy. Look after your health - if you're eating loads of .... then that affects your mood. Work out and stick to it - you honestly feel so much better for doing so.

I eat somewhat healthy (at least compared so some people I know) but making food for one person is hard when you have almost no culinary interest at all.

I'm not very interested in fitness either. I ride my bike to the store once every few days, and sometimes I just take a ride for the sake of it. Other than that, it is very hard for me to keep a routine with something I'm not interested in or fascinated by.

Lastly, try and get involved with as many social events as you can. Whether its hanging out with friends, going to partys, going out to social events with your colleagues if you work. Any chance you get to meet new people is great. You might think "But I hate meeting new people" or "Im really shy/timid around groups of people I dont know" but if you do then a) you have to start somewhere b) you be passing up an opportunity to meet a girl that you wouldnt usually meet.

Yes, I do some of those things. Although I'm a little socially awkward, I wouldn't say that I'm hopeless. However, it is extremely difficult for me to try to get into a group of people larger than 3-4, especially if they already know each other. I just sit and wait until it is over because to be honest, I don't feel like saying much unless they're talking about something within my somewhat narrow interests. In smaller groups, it's a little easier though.

Maybe I just confirmed the things you said now haha. Thank you for the advice despite my hopelessness.

 

[Obsidian Soul]

*stuff I can relate to*

I was(and possibly still)in the same predicament.Eventually,your mind will not stress it so much once you realize that that area of your life doesn't bear any fruit.I agree with the notion that you should go out with a friend to give you something to do instead of wandering aimlessly with the intent on asking random women out in public.

Since I've been hanging out with my friend,I've been able to see attractive women out in public that I could approach without the extra stress because I didn't go to "x" place to scope out for women as a primary objective.

Again,take my advice with a grain of salt since I'm in the exact same predicament as you(literally).You could try online dating sites,but your luck may vary as seen by other people here.

 

[Seybsnilksz]

You could try online dating sites,but your luck may vary as seen by other people here.

Yeah, I've tried a few, but those rarely work well. Overall I'm happy with how I look, but I'm not the kind of guy that gets a lot of girls interested on Tinder and shallower mediums. I also live in a small town with 30-40.000 people, so there's not much girls at all around my area on other sites.

 

[cwhitey2]

Yeah, I've tried a few, but those rarely work well. Overall I'm happy with how I look, but I'm not the kind of guy that gets a lot of girls interested on Tinder and shallower mediums. I also live in a small town with 30-40.000 people, so there's not much girls at all around my area on other sites.

I'm in the same boat as you are.


If I used a dating site, there might be 5 people I would be interested in going on a date with...except they never respond to me messages



I personally have given up on dating. My last ex ruined relationships in general for me (that was 3 years ago..and yes I'm over it I'm just sick of the BS relationships bring).

Plus I spend way to much money on myself to have a functioning relationship.

 

[TedEH]

^ As far as dating sites go, it can go both ways. 90% of the time, my experience is the same as yours. Not very many people I feel like messaging at all in the first place, and rarely a reply in the odd case that I'd reach out.

But! The last time I was in a serious long term relationship was with someone I met through a site like that. Lasted more than 4 years. Lived together. Had a dog. Sure, things fell apart, but that was clearly not the fault of the website .

 

[cwhitey2]

^ As far as dating sites go, it can go both ways. 90% of the time, my experience is the same as yours. Not very many people I feel like messaging at all in the first place, and rarely a reply in the odd case that I'd reach out.

But! The last time I was in a serious long term relationship was with someone I met through a site like that. Lasted more than 4 years. Lived together. Had a dog. Sure, things fell apart, but that was clearly not the fault of the website .

I had a functional relationship from a dating site, she just had hidden 'issues'

 

[TedEH]

she just had hidden 'issues'

Everyone's got issues they aren't super upfront about. That's not the dating site's fault. Would have worked out the same if you had met anywhere else, I'm sure.

 

[Seybsnilksz]

^ As far as dating sites go, it can go both ways. 90% of the time, my experience is the same as yours. Not very many people I feel like messaging at all in the first place, and rarely a reply in the odd case that I'd reach out.

But! The last time I was in a serious long term relationship was with someone I met through a site like that.

Sounds like real life.

 

[TedEH]

Sounds like real life.

Because it is. There's legit people on the other side of those interwebs.

 

[TheHandOfStone]

I also live in a small town with 30-40.000 people, so there's not much girls at all around my area on other sites.

That's not all that small. If the surrounding area is similarly populated, then I'd suggest trying different sites. The people should be out there.

 

[Seybsnilksz]

That's not all that small. If the surrounding area is similarly populated, then I'd suggest trying different sites. The people should be out there.

On OKCupid there's 14 girls within 50 kilometers, and on the most known free Swedish site there's 17 girls (that has logged in within the latest month) in my city that searches for a man my age. Expanding the search distance doesn't do a lot, and I have to go 2 hours by train to reach the nearest city that seems like it has people in it (at least on the sites). On Tinder there's more, but you know the deal with that app.

 

[TheHandOfStone]

OK, fair enough. I just wanted to make sure you didn't give up too soon.

 

[Ibanezsam4]

I know much of this thread is about finding love or dealing with rejection, but i figured i would add in another perspective.

Being in love and maintaining that relationship. Stuff is not easy people.

Not to say its the hardest work, but it can be emotionally stressful at times.

Case and point: my wife is an event coordinator and for the past 6 months has been heavily planning a walk for lung cancer.

we're less than 9 days out. and holy crap is this tough to deal with.

She stays later at work, doesn't communicate often, comes home and eats and then proceeds to hop on her computer and do more work.

the worst part is, there is nothing to do about it. It's her job.

Why this sucks is i'm a total home body. I love being home, hanging with my wife and my dog. we have not talked for almost 2 weeks (however the dog and i have had some of the best conversations of our lives).

So this is literally making me crazy.

There you have it fellows - it ain't all sunshine and rainbows once you settle in for the long haul

 

[russmuller]

Well, I think things have come to a head with my "ex" and I. I use quotation marks because we're neighbors and even after the breakup we've continued to go out and sleep together. :-\

A few weeks ago I went to Ireland for a week and she had a suicidal breakdown in my absence. She was waiting until I got back in the States to kill herself so that someone would be there to take care of her cat. When I got back, I convinced her to check into a behavioral hospital where they diagnosed her with borderline personality disorder (she's pretty much a textbook case).

I've been trying to be as supportive as I can of her getting back on her feet, lining up long-term treatment, encouraging her to get back to work (she hasn't showed up at her job for a month), etc... But it's very stressful for me (as an introvert who needs alone time) to try and live my own life when my time and attention is constantly being pulled away to be someone's emotional crutch. She knows that I won't always be around for her, and she gets anxious about managing her emotions in my absence (which is a spiral that causes her to cling more tightly). My exit strategy for this unhealthy situation was to ween myself out of her life as she developed a relationship with a therapist who can teach her how to better cope with her condition.

Yesterday was my mom's birthday, so I took her out to dinner and then we went for a swim in her pool. After my mom's place, I made an impromptu out to the boonies to visit some friends and pick up something for a road trip I'm taking this weekend. While I was at dinner, my ex had asked if she could print some stuff at my apartment and I said that was okay. While she was there, she baked some cookies and then waited around for me to come home (I had no idea this was going on). So when I didn't arrive home as expected, she started to worry. I received a flurry of text messages that ended with her saying she was going to take a nap, but I was welcome to come over when I got home if I wasn't going straight to bed.

Then the anxiety attack started, and another flurry of text messages came in. Then she called (if you know me, you know that I HATE to be called on the phone). I didn't answer, but I texted that I couldn't talk and wasn't texting back because I'm busy and that I'd talk to her tomorrow. Then I get this tirade that devolves into all kinds of self-loathing, and then spirals into "I hate you and I'm mad at you." I apologized that I hurt her and made her mad, but that sometimes I need to enforce some boundaries. This led into her blaming me for her meltdown and problems. At that point, I knew that to continue the conversation was fruitless so I let it be.

I understand that her reaction and behavior is the product of a medical condition, that she doesn't truly mean these things, and that she will have deep regret over her words when she calms down. But I've seen her have plenty of meltdowns before and this is the first time that she's ever gone off and directed this hateful negativity at me. I know that if I stay involved in her life, it will not be the last. Her words were hurtful, manipulative (even if she's not conscious of that fact), and tantamount to emotional abuse. And whether she's abusive because she's a terrible person or she's abuse because she has a medical condition, the truth is that I'm left with no choice but to cut ties. It's not that I don't have compassion for her, but I also have compassion for myself and I'm not going to subject myself to this kind of treatment. I has a sad...

 

[UnderTheSign]

Aren't there any meds etc that help her disorder? A girl I know is bipolar (or whatever, she went to half a dozen shrinks until one of them dropped a suggestion she agreed with) and wether she's actually as unstable as she claims to be I don't know but ever since she's on meds she has improved a TON. I'd never thought proper medication could work that well.

 

[russmuller]

Aren't there any meds etc that help her disorder? A girl I know is bipolar (or whatever, she went to half a dozen shrinks until one of them dropped a suggestion she agreed with) and wether she's actually as unstable as she claims to be I don't know but ever since she's on meds she has improved a TON. I'd never thought proper medication could work that well.

From what I've read, psychotherapy is the primary treatment to help patients while medication is a smaller component of it. She's been on some meds since her hospitalization, but considering her regression to more teenage-like fits of anger, I think she'll probably need to explore some other medications with a psychiatrist before she hits on something that really helps her.

When she was younger, she used to have altercations with her mother that would often result in physical violence and the police being called. After cutting off contact with her mother once she moved out, she managed to overcome those fits of anger and learn to manage it. Now, it seems like it's coming back and I don't intend to find out how bad it can get.

 

[MFB]

I'd say the elephant in the room for the situation is that, YOU DIDN'T TELL US YOU WERE NEIGHBORS. Like, that's a terrible idea from everything I've heard, right up there with dating coworkers; because if things go south, they usually require a big move to be made by one of the parties involved.

In this case, I feel like as long as she's living next to you - this will never end, because you're always right next door and she's going to look at that as a support system. Doesn't matter if you don't want her to, she will, and then she'll come over and guilt you into something and the cycle will continue.

 

[russmuller]

I'd say the elephant in the room for the situation is that, YOU DIDN'T TELL US YOU WERE NEIGHBORS. Like, that's a terrible idea from everything I've heard, right up there with dating coworkers; because if things go south, they usually require a big move to be made by one of the parties involved.

In this case, I feel like as long as she's living next to you - this will never end, because you're always right next door and she's going to look at that as a support system. Doesn't matter if you don't want her to, she will, and then she'll come over and guilt you into something and the cycle will continue.

We moved into the same complex after we started dating, but on opposite sides. So "neighbors" is a little bit of a stretch, but it's a 2 minute walk. Fortunately, she's moving out in a few weeks.

 

[Maybrick]

I'd say the elephant in the room for the situation is that, YOU DIDN'T TELL US YOU WERE NEIGHBORS. Like, that's a terrible idea from everything I've heard, right up there with dating coworkers; because if things go south, they usually require a big move to be made by one of the parties involved.

In this case, I feel like as long as she's living next to you - this will never end, because you're always right next door and she's going to look at that as a support system. Doesn't matter if you don't want her to, she will, and then she'll come over and guilt you into something and the cycle will continue.

I learnt the hard way about dating co workers. My ex was a coworker, I was really keen for a girlfriend at the time and she was new so it was like "A new girl who (at the time) I thought was attractive" so I just stupidly convinced myself I liked her. After we dated I knew she was a psycho and she kept constantly testing me. Because we had been dating for a while I didnt want it to be awkward at work if we broke up so we essentially had a 3 year relationship based on her being a constant bitch, she was .... at sex and just a horrible person. I was such a little bitch thinking it was my fault/failure so tried what I could for about 2 years to get it to work. After 2 years I gave up and didnt give a .....

We moved into the same complex after we started dating, but on opposite sides. So "neighbors" is a little bit of a stretch, but it's a 2 minute walk. Fortunately, she's moving out in a few weeks.

As long as she actually does. If she says in a few weeks "yeah, theres been some problems so the date has been pushed back" or whatever you need to get yourself out of there. You really need to cut her out of your life at least for a while so she can learn to just hang with others and not rely on you.

 

[TedEH]

I learnt the hard way about dating co workers.

I know the whole coworkers deal usually gets frowned upon, but I feel like it's something people just like to lean on as an excuse when things go bad. I've dated people I worked with before, and it was never as big a problem as people claim, even continuing to work together after things broke down. It's not any worse than those people who continue to live with their ex, or things like that. IMO, you shouldn't pick your relationships based on convenience and logistics, it should be based around judgments of character and the value that you can contribute to eachothers lives.

Maybe I'm just more willing to take those kinds of risks than some people though- and I do recognize there's some added risk to that kind of situation. But I'd do it anyway. Coworkers? Sure. Old friends? Yup. Recent breakup? Who cares, go for it. Known/diagnosed psychological issues? Whatever. I've never regretted taking a risk on someone I thought could bring some real value to my life, but I have regretted not taking the risk. YMMV