I wan't questioning that there might be mixed signals, but that her behavior from your first post didn't seem wildly different as I was reading (but it is all written in hindsight so some of that is to be expected).
As for advice on that subject, dating should be pretty clear cut. If you have to ask you probably aren't. I assume you are saying that you weren't officially dating, but her body language and general communication came across as if she might eventually be more interested. If this is the case it's like a mirror image to my past situation I went through several years ago. I let it be known from the get go that I liked her a lot, but she wasn't as interested. So she thought, or so I assume, that the only way to keep me around was to flirt with me, and other such stuff, every now and then or I'd just bolt. My situation was still very ambiguous during that time period and looking back when I can reflect on it I lean back on the idea that if you have to ask or think about it you probably aren't dating so dating etiquette seems to go right out the window, even if it can sometimes present itself in poor taste.
I definitely don't do friend-zone after any interest has been even slightly hinted. If I'm not someone's top priority then I refuse to be someone's second best. I have a level of self respect for myself, and I'm not willing to sacrifice for anything less than total honesty and commitment from both ends.
Yeah, I'm not sure what to make of that in conjunction with everything else. If her ex caused her to have trust issues, then she claimed she only didn't want to be with you because of trust issues, then she goes back to the ex anyhow, it certainly defies all logic and I imagine stings quite a bit.
Yeah, that hurts when you word it that way
She said she wasn't going to get back with him, but that she didn't know to what extent he was back in the picture. Whatever the hell that means in women-speak. I feel like I need an enigma machine for god sakes. Regardless, I believe the problem is that her parents are both really really intelligent, and that they won't allow her to date this dude. The problem is that she needs daddy's consent and I know this by talking with one of her friends about the subject of their bumpy past-relationship and both of them being on good terms. The fact she's now an adult and still does that shows an unhealthy-ish type of father-daughter relationship in my opinion. Something at least doesn't sound right about it, but it fits both what I know about her and some of the things her dad has done for her in the past.
I'd definitely call that a lead-on, in hindsight, with no intention of follow through. The little nugget to keep you content to stick around, if you were the type to bail when feelings are denied (from her perspective).
I'm the type to bail because I have high standards all around. I know when the girl friend thing works out and what it should feel like in a relationship. Again, I refuse to ever be anyone's second best, even if it was out of poor judgement initially. Life's too short to wait for .... like that to happen and honestly it's not healthy in my eyes. Kudos for you sticking around with your girl friend through that though. I wouldn't say we couldn't be friends, but you mentioned age being a factor here and it certainly is. At this moment in her life I feel like everything still seems like high school to her. She can cop out with the feminism BS to make up for any indifferences that guys need to land the jobs, interviews, and opportunities.
Odd how this seems so similar on the friendship/relationship aspect, even down to the lies. I'm not sure what to make of some of it though, you seem to have nailed it on the short leash. I almost want to say there has to be a mystery third person involved here - especially wanting to befriend the ex who broke her heart after she admits still loving him. Being spiteful, I wouldn't put it past her to do such a thing to throw it in his face to be honest. I also feel like she throws that L word around too much, and truely doesn't know what it's like to lose the love of parents or a close friend. Just IMHO.
Yeah your re-write changes the context quite a bit. If you were forward at all, like she stated, some of it would still be understandable, even if only emotionally driven, but the fact that she'd dangle the opportunity just under your nose is just as forward. It would appear her intentions were just different in hindsight. I'd say you ended up in the stereotypical friend-zone (the kind where someone is deliberately put there by misleading behavior from either party, not just simply denied).
Yeah, it's a fault I have. I simply cannot do friendzones. You either have feelings for someone or you don't - none of that back and forth bullshit. For starters it shows cowardice, and secondly it isn't fair nor right to dwell. If friendships are intended you definitely know ahead of time when meeting someone of the opposite sex. At least all of my female friendships have been that way.
In like a playful trash talking sort of way or in a I want to make you feel awful sort of way? In either case dwelling on it isn't necessary if your intention is to drop this situation like a hot potato.
She knew I was denied, and she knew I was denied with higher credentials at the time because I told her that story. She did it out of pure seed-planting hatred. She even bragged about having the option to choose from another company or that one that I tried and was denied from. That's downright ....ing disrespectful.
So are you saying that you'd have major issues with your friendship/relationship due to the spiteful comments even if the rest didn't happen? Would you have done anything about it had the rest not happened?
Assuming none of the other stuff was going on and we were on good terms I would have probably high fived her on it because that company is not easy to land internships with. I'm passive, blunt, but never spiteful or hateful. Maturity is knowing which battles to pick and which ones to let slide - that would have been one to slide had the other stuff not have been a part of the friendship decision.
She definitely lied and misdirected towards the end of your original post, but I just took it more as she knows you are very interested in her, and apparently some interest exists with her as well, so she was cowardly attempting to avoid a situation.
Makes sense. This was during final exams, so it was really stressing both of us. I honestly shouldn't care, but I do hope it didn't affect her grades.
Again, literally the same scenario happened to me within this old friendship I've been bringing up. On an official level we were just friends, but she knew I wanted more than that so when she went to see her ex she lied about it and didn't tell me anything. It's probably in poor taste, but the fact that it can be a group behavior leads me to believe its just human error at coping with confrontation and stress. I do agree it doesn't show particularly good leadership skills and arguably poor judgment.
You're right. It doesn't show good leadership skills or good judgement. Especially to do something like this during final exams - you would think she would have more self respect and respect for me to wait until afterwards, or at least not leave it hanging by emotional and physical isolation during final exam period. Literally felt like she was doing her damnedest to throw me under the bus.
If this is the case why did you want to date her in the first place and how were you still able to 'click' with her?
Because she made me happy. We had a future in our eyes that could work. We both love the same field, and that could have worked. We both want kids later in life. Both had skillsets that benefited one another, and we both saw eye to eye. I dunno man, it's hard to explain. Part of me feels like I was in love with someone who was hollow on the inside and it was all smoke and mirrors. The other part of me seems to think she saw something she liked more at the beach (not bob) with that formal event. Another part of me believes she did it out of spite against men and just decided to do her best to toss me aside like trash even though she tried to apologize for leading me on "if" she did so. Lies man, just constant, flowing, undeniable lies that lead to a washout of no ability to gain or work any form of trust out of it all.
Okay, this makes more sense now. She got the friends in the 'divorce' kind of thing.
I'm half tempted to throw her friends overboard along with it. At my age I have no time or care for any drama, and honestly it is not going to help keeping them around in moving on. I honestly don't even see the reason why in the first place, it's not like we would ever hang out and do anything to begin with - especially one girl who is her do or die friendship. Just left scratching my head over all of this.
I figured as much and it'd probably paint a more clear picture. Assuming this is an accurate portrayal of the events, it would seem a bit childish and that things got pretty heated between everyone involved.
It got very heated, and it will still be heated as next semester fires back up. I have been warned by family that I am not to even acknowledge her existence once we start back, I don't even owe her the time of day let alone any of my attention. Sad that it came to that, but it is what it is.
Relating back to my old fling again, the temperature of the relationship was definitely fully in her control; so if it's anything like that then one minute she's probably cool with the flirting and forward or boyfriend-like behavior, but when she decided to go with someone else its all of a sudden unacceptable again. It fits her age IMO. It's all about them and their feelings and what they want. As far as personal rights go that's perfectly fine. No one can force another to do something they don't want to, but it is indeed childish to not fully commit or string people along just so you can have a safe backup friend who can be your pseudo-boyfriend when it's convenient (that's definitely how I felt about it at the time).
I will disagree - the way she acted was very narcissistic. "I'm sorry I did this to you, I'm in control here, etc" Just her mentality was never we, us, asking how I felt about the friendship but only how it benefited her, etc.
Being an empathetic person, I fell for it and it's been a struggle to get back out of that hole. I'll be alright, but it will take time. Lots and lots of time. If anything it was a lesson to be learned on many fronts, and it will be a test to see if I can uphold the amount of self respect for myself that I also give to others.
I do agree with the rest of it, and yes it was extremely childish. I don't expect it to end - in her eyes she has won the battle, why would she change her habits? I feel like she may have won the battle, but I will have won the war. Being independent, there's a plethora of ways you analyze situations in a different manner, and it builds character because of it. Nothing she knows anything about as it's always to her benefit in her eyes.
Okay, so there were definitely some inconsistencies and lack of transparency for sure. The rest I still feel's on point (perhaps in a rude way she is still doing what she clearly thinks is right and you clearly aren't happy with how things turned out so you walked away), although I'd put the emphasis on both of you rather than just you, as I did before. Now, admittedly it is hard to read signals when people deliberately make them murky so as to keep people on a short leash. She definitely could have been more clear about everything and in the future I'd suggest my earlier advice:
if it's hard to tell that you're in a relationship, or someone at anytime physically claims they don't want to be or can't be in a relationship, don't bother trying much harder or getting too invested.
Talk like that means you're always 2nd or 3rd choice even if they end up dating you later on (especially with her moaning to you about her ex). Couple that with the 'girl talk' about exes, boyfriends and the like and I'd say it doesn't seem like you had a shot at a full on relationship beyond a rebound/backup anyhow (in hindsight).
I needed to hear this. It follows my true dating guidelines and why I never go seeking a relationship when the time isn't right. Right now, school has been and will always be my top priority. There's 10's of thousands of dollars at stake here on my end, and she has no skin in the game as her parents have her covered. It's a reality check for both personal and educational points of view. Engineering is weird like that - get a head too big and it will definitely knock you down a size and bring you back to reality. That I have learned quite a bit and I respect the field as a student at the moment knowing I have to have my priorities straight.
Yeah, you definitely need to distance yourself physically and emotionally from this situation no matter what. If you do decide to be friends again leave it for the distant future. Get some peace of mind and just move on first. She's flawed like most humans and she has issues that you were saying are deal breakers for a relationship anyhow. In my mind that means you didn't lose much on that front. Seems like your better off pursuing other interests or just focusing on yourself for the time being. Worry about amending the friendship once you get to a point of indifference about this situation.