My issues that I'll talk about are kind of long and has two main parts... my apologies for the wikipedia entry. Last summer I answered an ad for a band looking for second guitarist. The ad itself revolved mostly around musical interests, not really delving into requirements. I answer the ad, go to two auditions, at the second of which we establish that these guys are not trying to "make it big"; this is just a hobby. These guys all already have good, specialized careers, so this is all just "for fun". We'll play some local gigs, record an album, maybe at our most ambitious go on a mini midwest tour. They've been formed for about a year, have a few songs already put together. At the end of our first practice with me as an official member, we decide practice is same day next week. And then the next week, same thing. OK, I guess this is an every week band. I was kinda thinking since these guys are all older than me with families and more demanding jobs than my own that this might be an every other week kind of band, or maybe once a month. But it's cool, I do love jamming. But sometimes because of schedules we'll """have to""" move a practice, and then we'll end up having two practices in one week. Or if the drummer is out of town, instead of skipping that week, the other two guys will want us to meet up and have a "writing session". That's fine, it's not crazy or over-demanding or anything like that. Having said that, I haven't written any of these songs, I don't have anything to offer ATM, and I'm also not really interested in it. TBH I just like jamming. And I do like our band, and our songs, and I never miss practice, and I always know my parts and dont screw up too much, I feel like I am a good second guitarist. Also, what's the rush? Why do we have to cram two practices in a week? There's no exam or deadline. We've only got 5 songs and they're longer than any kind of opener set (10 min each) and we've got them down solid. Why hurry to write a new song? We've got the rest of our lives. The last time we had a new song, we did all of the "writing" at band practice, it worked out fine. If they ever wrote a new song without me all they'd have to do is send a quick recording I could learn it before the next practice, the same way I learned all the songs they wrote before I joined the band lol. Long way of saying that this band tries to meet more often than I am interested to and seems to want me to be more involved in writing than I'm really willing to be. **and here's a factor into that: I'm crazy about my wife. Yeah, I guess that's a little dorky, but it's just the truth. My wife is foreign and moved here to be with me, she doesn't know anyone here, she doesn't go on girls night out once a week when I do band practice. She's just home alone all day, and then all night when I have band practice. And I miss her, too. As much as I love jamming, I wouldn't probably choose to do it once every week over spending that night doing something with my wife. We might not be considered "newlyweds" anymore but it's not been 5 years, we're still all lovey-dovey. Either way, it was never my intention in the first place to be spending potentially 2 nights out a week. These guys are all like 10 years older than me, and I know at least one of them moved here only a couple years ago, so I believe they are all happy to get out of the house and away from their wives, and they seem to be, at this period in their lives, each other's closest friends. I joined a band to play music, not necessarily to expand my social life. I already have drinking buddies. It's not like I dislike these people at all; on the contrary I like them a lot. But does a band necessarily have to be a "club"? And the second issue: nothing is set in stone, there's no dates or "real" plans whatsoever, but we ultimately intend to move back to Japan to live. It was something we talked about in a "what if" format from time to time before joining the band, but more recently it's usually discussed using "when". We're still waiting on her green card renewal, but once that gets here we are gonna look into getting special permissions so that she can keep the green card (since we spent so much damned time and money on it) even when living in Japan. How long will that take? Well hopefully less time than a green card, but if you're wondering about the speed of USCIS I can tell you that right now it'll take them 18+ months to process a greencard renewal. So even though I believe we will definitely move to Japan, that might not be for like a couple years fastest case scenario. -------------- Here are some questions I have 1. Would you be offended if a non-critical member of your band wanted to be less involved, provided that they're a good member otherwise? 2. Is it OK for a member of a band to be uninterested in writing the music? Especially in the case that all the music is being written by someone else anyway. 3. Would you tell your band that you're leaving even though nothing is for sure? Or maybe I should phrase it: am I an asshole for keeping aspirations of moving away a secret? Playing music loudly with a group is something I really enjoy, and I even feel it's really therapeutic for me. I would prefer to stay in the band until I've handed in my two weeks at my job (as in, until I am about to move away). It's not like I don't care about leaving them hanging (though I am just the 2nd git). But like I said, potentially 2 years from now. 4. If you were to break this kind of info to your band, how might you go about that? Please don't come running on in to tell me I'm an asshole and that I shouldn't have joined a band if I wasn't serious. I made this thread to try to examine what I should do to not be an asshole, and I was and am still very serious about jamming a couple times a month (plus gigs!).