# SS.org Joke Thread



## mr_rainmaker

Then she said "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said...

















"I don't ever want to catch you wearing my things ever again."


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## Hollowway




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## ibanezcollector

I lol'd


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## AngstRiddenDreams

Was not expecting that!


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## shredguitar7

what am i supposed to do with my boner ?


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## flint757




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## HeHasTheJazzHands




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## SpaceDock

Yessssss!


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## djpharoah

need more jokes on here..


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## Xaios

My eyes rolled, and I slapped my knees in mock-heehaw fashion...




And yet, I still can't deny it was funny.


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## The Beard

shredguitar7 said:


> what am i supposed to do with my boner ?



I am SO tempted to quote this in my sig   

Damn you and OP for catching me at 2:30 in the morning when my slap-happiness is at its peak 

edit: sigged


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## Bigsby

shredguitar7 said:


> what am i supposed to do with my boner ?


 i dont know about you but i finished 

also surprised there hasn't been a post your jokes here thread


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## Don Vito

Typical weekend.


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## Alberto7

Hahahaha I be lol'ing braawh


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## DrakkarTyrannis

Hm..I'd never wear that bitch's tired ass clothes..I have dignity..my skirts are nice


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## mr_rainmaker

DrakkarTyrannis said:


> Hm..I'd never wear that bitch's tired ass clothes..I have dignity..my skirts are nice





but what about your SHOES???


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## Goatchrist

HAHAAA! Good one!


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## SenorDingDong

\

Can we just turn this into a joke thread?


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## shredguitar7

stc423 said:


> I am SO tempted to quote this in my sig
> 
> Damn you and OP for catching me at 2:30 in the morning when my slap-happiness is at its peak
> 
> edit: sigged



nice


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## wayward

JWGriebel said:


> \
> 
> Can we just turn this into a joke thread?



Godly idea.


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## Cabinet

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up?










IT WAS TOO TIRED


LOL


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## Nile

Cabinet said:


> Why couldn't the bicycle stand up?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> IT WAS TOO TIRED
> 
> 
> LOL


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## flint757

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''


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## Labrie

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the middle of a pond?

Bob

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging on your wall?

Art

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in front on your door?

Matt

What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell

What do you call a girl with no arms and legs on your barbecue?

Patty

What do you call a girl with one leg?

Ilene


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## Genome

Labrie said:


> What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in the middle of a pond?
> 
> Bob
> 
> What do you call a guy with no arms and legs hanging on your wall?
> 
> Art
> 
> What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in front on your door?
> 
> Matt
> 
> What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves?
> 
> Russell
> 
> What do you call a girl with no arms and legs on your barbecue?
> 
> Patty
> 
> What do you call a girl with one leg?
> 
> Ilene



Has anyone in your jokes got all four limbs?


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## Genome

EDIT: Woops, double post.


This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three 
ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He 
places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats 
with the Bartender. 

The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask 
people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so 
he doesn't mention the ducks. 

They chat for about 30 minutes before the bloke with the 
ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on 
the Bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There 
is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to 
make some conversation. 

"What's your name?" He says to the first duck. 

"Huey" said the duck. 

"How's your day been?" 

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of 
puddles all day". 

"Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender. Then he says to 
the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?" 

"Dewey" came the answer. 

"So how's your day been?". 

"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of 
puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I 
would do the same again". 

So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says 
"So, you must be Louie". 

"No", growls the 3rd duck, "My name is Puddles. 
Don't ask about my fucking day".


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## tacotiklah

mr_rainmaker said:


> Then she said "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "I don't ever want to catch you wearing my things ever again."




My life story right here....


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## Bigsby

how many drummers does it take to screw in a light bulb?



















Three... one to screw in the light bulb, While two argue how neil peart would have done it better




probably heard that one before but its still funny to me


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## Labrie

genome said:


> Has anyone in your jokes got all four limbs?



That would defeat the purpose of the joke now wouldn't it...


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## Aevolve

2 guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.















*BA-DUM PSH*


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## flint757

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''



''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''


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## Dan

Why does Snoop Dog always carry around an umbrella?




















Fo Drizzle.


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## SenorDingDong

Dan said:


>



That guy is basically a designated bitch.


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## Dan_Vacant

A drummer walks past a bar.... (not meant to insult the drummers on here)


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## mr_rainmaker

what do you call the guy who hangs out with the band????













the drummer....


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## SenorDingDong

What do you call a bassist?











Replaceable.


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## Powermetalbass

lame!


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## Leuchty

3 guys are sitting in a boat on a lake, 2 white guys and a black guy. First white guy jumps up, hangs his dick in the water and says "28 degrees!".

Second white guy says "bullshit" and hangs his dick in the water. 

"Actually, its 28.7 degrees" the second guy says.

He sits down and both white guys look at the black guy.

The black guy thinks to himself "may as well give it a shot". So he stands up hangs it in the water, puts it back in his pants and sits down.

Both white guys look at him and ask "and???"

The black guy says:

"fucks me what the temp is but its 31 inches deep!"


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## AnarchyDivine88

CYBERSYN said:


> 3 guys are sitting in a boat on a lake, 2 white guys and a black guy. First white guy jumps up, hangs his dick in the water and says "28 degrees!".
> 
> Second white guy says "bullshit" and hangs his dick in the water.
> 
> "Actually, its 28.7 degrees" the second guy says.
> 
> He sits down and both white guys look at the black guy.
> 
> The black guy thinks to himself "may as well give it a shot". So he stands up hangs it in the water, puts it back in his pants and sits down.
> 
> Both white guys look at him and ask "and???"
> 
> The black guy says:
> 
> "fucks me what the temp is but its 31 inches deep!"



And to think all this time I've been using a thermometer like an asshole.


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## soliloquy

2 blind guys walk into a bar
*ouch


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## AK DRAGON

FATHER OF THE YEAR

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting
across the aisle from him leaned
over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

He replied, "No Ma'am, I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."


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## AxeHappy

Q: How to you get 2 guitarists to play in tune?
A: Shoot one!

Q: How are Eric Clapton and Coffee a like?
A: They both suck without cream!

Q: How do you tell if the Stage is Level?
A: Drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.

[FONT=times new roman,helvetica]Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
A: Sit in the back and don't play!

Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
A: It's usually still in the case.

Q: Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
A: They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger!




Violin was my first instrument.
[/FONT]


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## DrakkarTyrannis

From my drag mother:

I get shit all the time for being a dyslexic atheist..I mean..I believe a dog exists but I just don't know specifics


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## Dead Undead

A Texan man stopped at a restaurant one day whilst roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. 

He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"

The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"

The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order." 

The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."


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## brynotherhino

genome said:


> Has anyone in your jokes got all four limbs?



That would just be silly!


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## White Cluster

shredguitar7 said:


> what am i supposed to do with my boner ?



I'm sure you can handle it


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## flint757

Jewish Taxi Driver


A drunk woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City. The taxi driver, who happened to be an old Jewish man, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

She said to him, "What's wrong with you honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old man said "Lady, I'm not staring at you, I am telling you, det vould not be proper vair I come from".

She said, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He said, "Vell, I am looking and I'm looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"


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## iRaiseTheDead

Haha awesome, joke thread?


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## eaeolian

Nice variation on an old butler joke.


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## eaeolian

Dan_Vacant said:


> A drummer walks past a bar.... (not meant to insult the drummers on here)



I don't believe that ever actually happens...


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## ilyti

AxeHappy said:


> Q: How are Eric Clapton and Coffee a like?
> A: They both suck without cream!



I love that one, I tell that to anyone I think will get it.


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## flint757

ilyti said:


> I love that one, I tell that to anyone I think will get it.



So y'all are going to tell me Cocaine and Layla aren't good songs??? Even tears in heaven is great and all post Cream. Albeit in bulk I love me some Cream.


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## ilyti

His solo material is decent, just ridiculously overrated. And I doubt you could find anyone on this forum who isn't sick of him being on the cover of guitar magazines.


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## flint757

ilyti said:


> His solo material is decent, just ridiculously overrated. And I doubt you could find anyone on this forum who isn't sick of him being on the cover of guitar magazines.



I wouldn't say overrated, but he has been on the cover way too much in his years.  Saying that I'm curious if that's even his decision or if he still has managers and what not who make those decisions. As a person and artist he is one of my hands down favorites though. Eagles as a team out do him and Cream though in my book.

To put it back on track:
A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the
insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside
chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!
Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the
fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the
eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting,
"Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do? 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: OK, now what? 

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. 

The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.


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## Baelzebeard

So, a guy is out on safari in the deep heart of the wilderness. 

One night while sitting around the campfire with the guide he starts to hear pounding drums in the brush and frightfully he asks the guide what's going on. The guide says, "don't worry, nothing bad will happen as long as they keep playing their drums." This goes on for several nights, when suddenly the drums stop, so the hunter, frightened, looks at the guide and says, " You said something bad would happen when they stopped playing the drums." "What now?"

Looking frightened, the guide looks at the hunter and says, "Oh No........ bass solo."


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## DrakkarTyrannis

Baelzebeard said:


> So, a guy is out on safari in the deep heart of the wilderness.
> 
> One night while sitting around the campfire with the guide he starts to hear pounding drums in the brush and frightfully he asks the guide what's going on. The guide says, "don't worry, nothing bad will happen as long as they keep playing their drums." This goes on for several nights, when suddenly the drums stop, so the hunter, frightened, looks at the guide and says, " You said something bad would happen when they stopped playing the drums." "What now?"
> 
> Looking frightened, the guide looks at the hunter and says, "Oh No........ bass solo."



I actually chuckled at this one


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## kerska

So this guy goes to see his doctor and says, "Doc, I'm not sure what's going on but my dick is orange." The doctor takes a look at him and says, "Okay, well take these antibiotics and come back and see me in a week."

The guy leaves and comes back a week later. "Doc, my dick is still orange. I'm getting concerned." The doctor looks at him again and says, "Okay, well let's try these antibiotics and come back and see me again in another week."

Once again the guy leaves and comes back. "Doc, my dick is still orange." The doctor asks, "Okay, just what have you been doing?" 

The man replies, "Eating cheetos while watching pornos."


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## guitareben

This is awesome  . Ok, here goes...

Three musicians and a drummer walk into a bar...




What's worse than finding a worm in your apple.

Genocide.



Neon walks into a bar. No-one reacts.

[(crap)Maths Joke Alert]

Sine, Cosine and e go to a party. A few hours in Cosine notices e crying in a corner. He goes up to e and ask's:
"What's up e? Why aren't you chilling out with everyone?"
e replies "I want to, but whenever I try to integrate I just end up with myself"


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## SenorDingDong

Dated this bitch.






Unfortunately, that was the joke.


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## Baelzebeard

A bit of a long one but I always get a laugh with this one. I love jokes. 

Back in the old west days they were building a railroad across the plains and they had to stop when they got to a teepee sitting all by itself. The owner was Chief Bowels, the last of his tribe, and he was determined to stay. 

Chief Bowels went off to town to talk to an official so they wouldn't build the railroad through his teepee. Chief Bowels could not read English so he went into the first official looking office, but he mistakenly had gone into the doctors office.

Chief Bowels walked up to the doctor and proudly said, "Bowels no move." The doctor responded, "we'll get that sorted out sir." Handing Chief Bowels some tablets he said, "take one of these a day for three days and everything should be fine." Satisfied, Chief Bowels left and went back to his teepee.

Three days later Chief Bowels went back to the doctor and said, "Bowels still no move". The doctor, surprised, said, "that's pretty serious, we'll have to increase to two tablets for three days, and everything should be fine."

The doctor was walking around town a few days later when he saw Chief Bowels, so he asked, "Bowels move yet?" To which he replied,....... "Bowels gotta move, teepee full of shit."


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## Cyanide_Anima

DrakkarTyrannis said:


> From my drag mother:
> 
> I get shit all the time for being a dyslexic atheist..I mean..I believe a dog exists but I just don't know specifics



I've heard a variation of this.

What does an insomniac, dyslexic, agnostic person do?

They stay up all night wondering if there is a dog.


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## AnarchyDivine88

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."​ She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"​ A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". ​ ​ A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters.
Mummy, the first daughter asks. Why am I called Rose?
Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead.
Mummy, asked the second daughter. Why am I called Tulip?
Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead.
The third daughter moaned: Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!
Be quiet Fridge, said the mother. 



Why did the feminist cross the road?
To suck my d*ck.


How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the lightbulb, the other to suck my d*ck. 



As you can see I have poor taste . I wanted to post ones that are waaaay worse, but I was afraid my account would be suspended lol.​


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## ElRay

AxeHappy said:


> Q: How do you make a violin sound like a viola?
> A: Sit in the back and don't play!
> 
> Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
> A: It's usually still in the case.
> 
> Q: Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?
> A: They are actually the same size, but a violinist's head is so much bigger!
> 
> Violin was my first instrument.



Q: What do you call two violas playing in unison?
A: A minor 2nd.

The conductor notices a bit of commotion between the 1st violin and the 1st viola. He asks what's going on. The 1st violin says that the 1st viola keeps turning his tuning pegs. The 1st viola shouts, "Well he started it. He turned one of mine and he won't tell me which one!"


Ray


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## pink freud

guitareben said:


> Sine, Cosine and e go to a party. A few hours in Cosine notices e crying in a corner. He goes up to e and ask's:
> "What's up e? Why aren't you chilling out with everyone?"
> e replies "I want to, but whenever I try to integrate I just end up with myself"



That _is_ crappy, as it's e^x that does that 


Anywho:

What do you call an explosion in a French kitchen?

Linoleum Blown Apart.


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## tacotiklah

Q: What do cannibals eat for dessert?

A: Diabetics


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## JosephAOI

AnarchyDivine88 said:


> As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."​
> 
> 
> 
> She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"​
> 
> A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".​


I have one thats like a variation of this. It goes:

A guy and his girlfriend are on their couch getting into it when the girl whispers into his ear very seductively, "Make me feel like a woman".
So the guy kicks her down off the couch and says "Get me a beer, bitch."

Also:

One day, just like any other day, little Johnny walked in on his parents having sex. The dad looks up and yells "Johnny, what're you doing, get out!", So Johnny leaves.
Later that day, Johnny's dad walks downstairs and sees Johnny having sex with his grandma. Johnny's dad screams, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!?!"
So Johnny yells back, "It's not so funny when it's your mom, is it?!"


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## mcleanab

The "here iron this!" made me laugh so hard I almost passed out...

Holy crap... evil!

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.


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## AK DRAGON

Hard to argue with this logic...

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful for them, than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. 

Here is proof that they are wrong:

A year or two after giving birth, some women will say, "It would be nice to have another baby".

No matter how long after a guy gets kicked in the nuts, you'll never hear him say, "I would like another kick in the nuts". 

Case closed.


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## The Beard

A man with an orange for a head walks into a bar. He is dressed very fancily and is surrounded by a sort of harem of attractive women.
The man with an orange for a head walks up to the bartender and says, "I will have your most expensive drink." To which the bartender responds, "It'll cost you 438 dollars, Is that okay?" The orange headed man agrees and buys the drink.
As the night goes on, the orange headed man is buying drinks for everyone in the bar and continues to be surrounded by beautiful women. Although, the bartender can't help but notice that the man looks depressed.
The bartender asks the man with an orange as a head, "Why are you so depressed despite all of your wealth?"
The orange man sighs and responds, "Well, I met a magical genie the other day who granted me three wishes..."
"Amazing" says the first man, "Please continue".
"Well, for my first wish, I wished that every time I would reach into my pocket, I would pull out a 100 dollar bill"
The bartender says, "I don't understand how that could make you sad, but please continue."
The man with the orange for a head says, "For my second wish, I wished that every time a beautiful woman laid eyes on me, she would automatically fall in love with me"
The bartender shakes his head and says, "i'm still not understanding your sadness, but continue."
The man continues, "Well my last wish was where I really screwed up. For my third wish, I wished I had an orange for a head."


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## flint757

stc423 said:


> The man continues, "Well my last wish was where I really screwed up. For my third wish, I wished I had an orange for a head."



Get it, but don't see the logic.


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## BucketheadRules

What's the difference between a trampoline and a ukulele?

You normally take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.


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## AnarchyDivine88

stc423 said:


> A man with an orange for a head walks into a bar. He is dressed very fancily and is surrounded by a sort of harem of attractive women.
> The man with an orange for a head walks up to the bartender and says, "I will have your most expensive drink." To which the bartender responds, "It'll cost you 438 dollars, Is that okay?" The orange headed man agrees and buys the drink.
> As the night goes on, the orange headed man is buying drinks for everyone in the bar and continues to be surrounded by beautiful women. Although, the bartender can't help but notice that the man looks depressed.
> The bartender asks the man with an orange as a head, "Why are you so depressed despite all of your wealth?"
> The orange man sighs and responds, "Well, I met a magical genie the other day who granted me three wishes..."
> "Amazing" says the first man, "Please continue".
> "Well, for my first wish, I wished that every time I would reach into my pocket, I would pull out a 100 dollar bill"
> The bartender says, "I don't understand how that could make you sad, but please continue."
> The man with the orange for a head says, "For my second wish, I wished that every time a beautiful woman laid eyes on me, she would automatically fall in love with me"
> The bartender shakes his head and says, "i'm still not understanding your sadness, but continue."
> The man continues, "Well my last wish was where I really screwed up. For my third wish, I wished I had an orange for a head."



I laughed at this...and I hate how retarded that makes me feel...


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## The Beard

flint757 said:


> Get it, but don't see the logic.



That's anti-jokes for ya 



BucketheadRules said:


> What's the difference between a trampoline and a ukulele?
> 
> You normally take your boots off before jumping on a trampoline.



That actually made me laugh pretty hard 
I want to do that to my friends who own ukuleles


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## Grand Moff Tim

I play the ukulele, and I humbly invite anyone who so desires to come try to stomp me and/or my ukulele.


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## Stealth7

His laugh makes the joke


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## guitareben

pink freud said:


> That _is_ crappy, as it's e^x that does that



Oh god damn! Knew something wasn't right...


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## flint757

Not really a joke, but funny story.

So I had forgotten my paperwork today for an appointment, went to my car to fill it out. It's a small parking lot in a rundown area, not dangerous just dirty and I'm writing on the roof of my car. This dude just walks up from the highway carrying 2 bags probably in his 50's. Didn't look homeless or anything in fact he was probably going home. So he notices me writing and says "Hey, your left handed. I noticed form how you were writing. Not many people are left handed. Do you jerk off with your left hand? Silence from being taken off guard a lil bit. Then he says " I'm just messing with you it's none of my business." slowly walks past my car door and says "I use both".  Not sure if it comes across as funny written as it did for me when it happened. Not used to encounters like that except from homeless people and even then it doesn't happen enough for me to expect it. In fact at first I thought he was either going to ask me for money or rob me just from the bold approach which made it even funnier for me. I kind of wished I said something like "Actually, I'm transitioning at the moment."


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## MFB

So a cougar walks into a bar

No one walks out.


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## flint757

MFB said:


> So a cougar walks into a bar
> 
> No one walks out.



took me a second, but once I realized


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## petereanima

Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road.

The sign read: "Disneyland Left." 

So they went home.


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## USMarine75

Went to a bar with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "pedophile!" and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 22 and I'm 37.


... it completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.


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## petereanima

A brunette and a blonde standing in an elevator. 

In front of them stands a man, who obviously has a bad dandruff problem.

When he leaves the elevator, the brunette says:"Damn, someone should give him some head & shoulders..."

Asks the blonde: "How do you give shoulders?"


----------



## mr_rainmaker

pirate walked into a bar looking sad with a steering wheel down by his waist hanging by a chain around his neck. When the bartender asked, "that looks heavy, whats that steering wheel for?", the pirate reached down and grabbed the wheel and said, "Argh, it's drivin' me nuts."


----------



## mr_rainmaker

A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich." The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to "panda" and reads: "A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."


----------



## BlackMastodon

mr_rainmaker said:


> pirate walked into a bar looking sad with a steering wheel down by his waist hanging by a chain around his neck. When the bartender asked, "that looks heavy, whats that steering wheel for?", the pirate reached down and grabbed the wheel and said, "Argh, it's drivin' me nuts."



 this is easily one of my favorite jokes, no matter how cheesy it is.


----------



## kerska

This was on the Darwin awards, but every time I read about the part with the details and measurements and what not I start cracking up from the visuals I get in my head 

"It seems that a guy had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off - actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts, as best could be determined, are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the prominent scorched and melted asphalt at that location. The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within five seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 MPH, continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, soon to be pilot, most likely would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, basically causing him to become insignificant for the remainder of the event. However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet, leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel."


It ended up being a myth in the end, but I still find it hilarious


----------



## glassmoon0fo

A black guy, a mexican, and a jew walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "Get the fuck out of here."

I live in the south...


----------



## flint757

Thought this was funny...math/political humor


----------



## tacotiklah

A blond decides to cook herself breakfast one morning and ends up setting her kitchen on fire. This is the corresponding 911 call:

Operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Blonde: My kitchen is on fire, it's terrible! Send someone right away!
Operator: Okay ma'am, where is the fire?
Blonde: It's in my kitchen, help me!
Operator: Ma'am, please tell me how to get to your kitchen...
Blonde: DUH, BIG RED TRUCK!!!!


----------



## flint757

Another for you good sirs and/or madams


----------



## JJ Rodriguez

How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they just beat the room because it's black.



An old man is leading a little girl into the woods and it starts getting dark. The little girl starts to cry. The old man turns to her and says "You think you're scared? I have to walk back by myself."


----------



## glassmoon0fo

how did hellen keller lose her right arm?
trying to read a stop sign at 55mph.

why did hellen keller's dog run away?
you would too if your name was HNNNGNAAMBGHHH

how did hellen keller's parents punish her?
rearrange the furniture

why couldn't hellen keller drive?
she was a woman

what would hellen keller be doing if she were alive right now?
probably scratching at the top of that coffin.





I got jokes for days, its pretty much how I made friends when I got to college


----------



## tacotiklah

glassmoon0fo said:


> how did hellen keller lose her right arm?
> trying to read a stop sign at 55mph.
> 
> why did hellen keller's dog run away?
> you would too if your name was HNNNGNAAMBGHHH
> 
> how did hellen keller's parents punish her?
> rearrange the furniture
> 
> why couldn't hellen keller drive?
> she was a woman
> 
> what would hellen keller be doing if she were alive right now?
> probably scratching at the top of that coffin.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> I got jokes for days, its pretty much how I made friends when I got to college





Why did Hellen Keller wear tight pants?
So everyone could read her lips...


----------



## AnarchyDivine88

What&#8217;s the worst thing about fucking a five year-old?
Getting the blood out of the clown suit. 

A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says, &#8220;Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!&#8221;
&#8220;No,&#8221; replies the man. &#8220;She just sort of lays there.&#8221; 

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
AIDS. 

How does a southern mother know her daughter is having her period.
Her son&#8217;s dick tastes funny. 

What did the deaf, dumb, and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer. 

Have you ever tasted Ethiopian food? 
Neither have they 

What's the fastest animal in the world?
An Ethiopian chicken 

What's positive about Ethiopians? 
H.I.V. 

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, shes already been told twice.


My problem is I don't have a conscience. 

EDIT: I removed a couple because they might have been a bit too fucked up...


----------



## Alberto7

Dude... >_>


----------



## ilyti

AnarchyDivine88 said:


> What is 18 inches long, stiff and makes women scream at night?
> Sudden Infant Death Syndrome.
> 
> How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?
> AIDS.
> 
> Have you ever tasted Ethiopian food?
> Neither have they



These are just at the threshold of what I consider still funny despite being horrible.


----------



## Labrie

There is absolutely nothing funny about SIDS. I hope to god I never have to respond to one of those calls...

Not trying to bring a bunch of seriousness into the joke thread but that one was too far for me.


----------



## AnarchyDivine88

Labrie said:


> There is absolutely nothing funny about SIDS. I hope to god I never have to respond to one of those calls...
> 
> Not trying to bring a bunch of seriousness into the joke thread but that one was too far for me.



Understandable. I removed that one and a couple others that might have been too bad. Don't want to seriously offend anyone.


----------



## pink freud

Actually, Ethiopian food is quite awesome.


----------



## flint757

I've got some bad ones that will probably put me in hell. Sorry ahead of time if it offends anyone.

There was a mother living alone with her only son in an apartment three stories up. There was a fire in the middle of the night and a firefighter came through the window, grabbed both of them and saved their lives. The young boy told the firefighter of a cat that was still in the building. The firefighter climbed back up to their apartment and just as the apartment exploded he jumped out of the window and landed safely with the cat in his hands.

The young boy turned to his mom amazed and said, "Mommy, can I become a firefighter when I grow older."

His mom looks at him and says, "Sorry Timmy, but no, you have AIDS."

A mother was in labor and right when the baby came out the doctor sighed with relief and said to the mother, "IT'S A BOY!" Right before handing it to the nurse he threw it against the wall and said, "Just kidding, it was dead."

Q. A black man, a Hispanic man, and an Asian man all live on the same floor in a hotel. One day, a lamp catches on fire and the whole floor goes up in flames. Which one of them died?
A. The black man. The others had jobs.

Q. Why do Women have smaller Feet
A. So They can Stand Closer to the Sink.

Why shouldn't women have driver's licenses?
There's no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.


----------



## flint757

Here's a few more meme's too


----------



## JeffFromMtl

I wish someone taped my reaction as I read those AIDS jokes.

I cringed then laughed, then cringed again and sort of moaned, "OOOOOOHHHHHHHH NNOOOOOOOOOOO!"


----------



## TheDuatAwaits

My friend told me about what happened to him about a week ago.

He went to buy a box of condoms, he cashier asked him if he wanted a bag with those....

He replied, "No thanks, she's not that ugly."


----------



## AnarchyDivine88

pink freud said:


> Actually, Ethiopian food is quite awesome.



Yeah, I agree, I like Ethiopian food too. The point of the joke wasn't that their food is bad though, it was about how Ethiopians are starving...yeah it's a messed up joke lol.


----------



## Neil

My doctor said im a compulsive liar, then she gave me a blowjob in her office ...


----------



## Cyntex

What is white, but you can't see it?



Spoiler



a bottle of milk around the corner.



A goth enters a bakery and asks for a bread, the guy behind the counter says "lemme guess, white and cut?" 

Do you know the joke that retards don't know about?


Spoiler



Retard! !


----------



## flint757

And another


----------



## groph

How many punk rockers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to actually do it, and two more to stand back and say "that's so punk rock."

Here's one my friend did:

How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fuck it, let's just buy a new house!

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

_It's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

_PM me for pedophile jokes/the most racist joke I've ever heard


----------



## AnarchyDivine88

LMAO someones gave me a hilarious neg for one of my joke posts here, they said "You are everything that is wrong with this Country". Hah someone needs to lighten up, I mean jesus I took down half the jokes as soon as even one person expressed distaste for it. And since when is freedom of speech what's wrong with this country? Joke are just jokes, nothing more. I'm not the only one who posted sexist, pedophile, and other fucked up jokes here. But I am the only one who removed them, because I didn't want to offend anyone.


----------



## BlackMastodon

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Double Entendre. The bartender gives it to her.


----------



## Waelstrum

My favourite racist joke:



Why is a racist like an inexperienced drug smuggler?

They're both afraid of foreign customs.


----------



## The Beard

Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced a crazy set of calluses on his feet. Also, he went on hunger strikes which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. 

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

*knee slap*


----------



## Alberto7

stc423 said:


> Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced a crazy set of calluses on his feet. Also, he went on hunger strikes which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
> 
> This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
> 
> *knee slap*



You win.


----------



## mcleanab

To continue the PG rated jokes (although I do enjoy the nasty crass and hell fire burning because you laughed jokes too)...

A guy driving his brand new souped up hot rod sports car pulls up to a stop light. Next to him is a guy on a shitty little moped/scooter. He thinks, "I'm gonna leave this guy in the dust." The light turns green and he floors it... He looks up with a smile just in time to see the guy on the moped cruising past him. Shocked, he guns it again getting up to 80mph, leaving the moped behind. "No way a little moped can go this fast," he thinks. Sure as anything, as he looks up again, the moped sails by. "Unbelievable!" He pushes he hot rodded sports car to the limit. "No way a moped can go this fast!" And again, it cruises by the sports car. Freaking out, the sports car guy pulls over, jumps out and runs over to the guy on the moped. "Thank god you stopped," says the guy on the moped, "my suspenders were caught in your door!"


----------



## AnarchyDivine88

stc423 said:


> Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced a crazy set of calluses on his feet. Also, he went on hunger strikes which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
> 
> This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
> 
> *knee slap*



lol you certainly bring a different sense of humor to this thread. You should tell another anti-joke like that first one. 

Here are some terrible ones you might like:


*What's green and has wheels? 

Grass, I lied about the wheels.  *




*Why was six afraid of seven? 

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear. *


*
Knock, Knock. 

Who's there? 

Dave. 

Dave who? 

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.




**Roses are red, 
Violets are blue. 
I have a gun. 
Get in the van. *


----------



## The Beard

AnarchyDivine88 said:


> lol you certainly bring a different sense of humor to this thread. You should tell another anti-joke like that first one.



I have my moments 

A father elephant, a mother elephant, and a baby elephant were walking in a jungle. Suddenly they felt thirsty and went to the drinking pond. They drank and had a very fun and elephant-y day.

The next day, the elephants were walking in the jungle. Suddenly they felt thirsty and went to the drinking pond. They saw a fallen down tree on the way. The father elephant tried to lift the tree, but didn't have the strength. The mother elephant tried to lift the tree, but didn't have the strength. The baby elephant asked "Can I try to lift the tree?" but the adult elephants replied "No, your back would snap." They knew another route to the drinking pond and got there. They drank and had a very fun and elephant-y day.

The next day, the elephants were walking in the jungle. Suddenly they felt thirsty and went to the drinking pond. They saw a fallen down tree on the second route too. The father elephant tried to lift the tree, but didn't have the strength. The mother elephant tried to lift the tree, but didn't have the strength. The baby elephant asked "Can I try to lift the tree?" but the adult elephants replied "No, your legs would snap." They knew a third route to the drinking pond and got there. They drank and had a very fun and elephant-y day.

The next day, the elephants were walking in the jungle. Suddenly they felt thirsty and went to the drinking pond. They saw a fallen down tree on the third route too. The father elephant tried to lift the tree, but didn't have the strength. The mother elephant tried to lift the tree, but didn't have the strength. The baby elephant asked "Can I try to lift the tree?" but the adult elephants replied "No, your trunk would snap." They knew a fourth route to the drinking pond and got there. They drank and had a very fun and elephant-y day.

The next day, the elephants were walking in the jungle. Suddenly they felt thirsty and went to the drinking pond. They saw a fallen down tree on the fourth route too. The father elephant tried to lift the tree, but didn't have the strength. The mother elephant tried to lift the tree, but didn't have the strength. The baby elephant asked "Can I try to lift the tree?". The adult elephants replied: "Okay. You can try to lift the tree." The baby elephant tried, and it's back, legs and trunk snapped.




ALSO:

If you're rowing down the street in your mannequin and your wagon wheel breaks, how many pancakes does it take to make a doghouse?

A: Green, because a vest has no sleeves.


----------



## AnarchyDivine88

^I like yours more, because they have like 5 minute setups for the most disappointing punchlines ever LMFAO.


----------



## Dan_Vacant

My dad told me when he was about 14 or so he was in a pharmacy going to by condoms. A pharmacist comes by and ask if he needs help so my dad says "yes it is my first time." Later that night he goes over to the girls house to have dinner with her and her parents, whom are leaving for the weekend. As they sit down to eat my dad offers to pray and goes on forever with his prayer. After dinner the girl says "I didn't know you were so religious." and my dad says "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"


----------



## Alimination

(incoming cheesy joke)

Q: What do you call a cow that jumps over a barbed wire fence?

A:UTTER DESTRUCTION


----------



## Alimination

Vampire walks into a bar, and asks the bartender for water.
Bartender hands him a glass of water, and the vampire dips a tampon in it.
Bartender asks why?
Vampire says he's making tea.

lol...


----------



## Kidneythief

Okay I'm gonna try this:

At a laboratory the scientists invented a machine that can read thoughts. A series of tests were made, in one of them they asked a band if they could fit the machines on them during a concert, just to see what they were thinking. Here are the results:

Singer: "Wow...I managed to sing out that note too! Damn I'm so good. Look at my hair fly oh yeah! Wooooo!"
Guitarist: "And another wild solo by yours truly. I swear I'm better then Steve Vai and Petrucci combined. They got nothing on me!"
Drummer: "Hmmm...I bet I could bang that cute chick in the first row on the left. Hey there girl yeah I'm looking at you hehe"
Bassist: "E-E-E-E-D-D-D-D-A-A-D-G"


----------



## caskettheclown

Never go to a duck doctor, they are all quacks!


I'm not very funny atm, 2 hours of sleep this weekend cause my best friend came home from Marine boot camp


----------



## glassmoon0fo

Ok, so this is probably the longest joke in the world. I tell this joke all the time at parties, and its always a hit, so just trust me and read it. I don't have the patience to type it all out (the beauty is in the details) so I copied and pasted. You mad? 

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."

"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."

"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."

"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

"Nate, do accidents count?"

Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
rock?"

"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared."

"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?" asked Jack.

"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat
sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

"And then he just died?" asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only
one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always
had.

After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise."

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see
Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he
'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I
assume?"

Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.

"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
"Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
needed a replacement."

Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
was, "What do you want me to do?"

Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.

"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
even on me.

"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following.
Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and
faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer
away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER."


----------



## Alpenglow

Daemontheuncreated said:


> My friend told me about what happened to him about a week ago.
> 
> He went to buy a box of condoms, he cashier asked him if he wanted a bag with those....
> 
> He replied, "No thanks, she's not that ugly."


I might be able to top that... My friend who looks pretty young (14ish, he's actually in high school) goes to buy some condoms. He walks up to the cashier, looking very stoned, and pays for them. As he starts to walk away, the cashier says, "have a nice night!" He turns around and says with a huge grin on his face, "Oh, I will!" and winks and then walks out. Needless to say, I couldn't stop laughing.


----------



## djpharoah

^WTF 

I stopped reading after the first f'n page of that joke.


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## flint757

djpharoah said:


> ^WTF
> 
> I stopped reading after the first f'n page of that joke.



Ya I started and then scrolled realizing it doesn't end and said to myself.....FUCK THIS


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## Stealthdjentstic

Yeah seriously, wayyy too long; you must be either a really captivating joke teller or have some dork ass friends that would care to listen to the whole thing


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## Metal_Webb

Here's a quick pickup line...

You remind me of my big toe. I say that because I plan on banging you on every piece of furniture in my house.


----------



## glassmoon0fo

Stealthdjentstic said:


> Yeah seriously, wayyy too long; you must be either a really captivating joke teller or have some dork ass friends that would care to listen to the whole thing


 
the former. just so happens, Im the fucking best, actually


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## Waelstrum

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Who's there?

Phillip Glass


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## Stealthdjentstic

^


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## Necky379

read that whole thing, decent story, the middle reminded me of a hellboy comic storyline for some reason.


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## AnarchyDivine88

glassmoon0fo you son of a bitch!

WTF!!! When I first saw that I thought "Fuck this I'm not gonna read all that", but then for some reason I decided to try to read as much as I could out of curiosity, and I ended up getting sucked into the story LMAO. Half way through I thought "this would make a good indie movie." I ended up reading the entire thing only to get the most disappointing ending ever!!!

I don't know where you got that joke, but there's NO WAY you've ever told it to anyone in person or they would stop being friends with you after the first 10 lines!  Holy shit, I don't even know how to classify that joke, it's like a whole new type of comedy targeted only towards extremely patient people. By the time I finished reading it my account logged out from inactivity!

I'm Liking that post and giving you good rep, but I'll never get that portion of my life back!


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## glassmoon0fo

I tell that one at parties and in down time all the time, have for years. Im a pretty good storyteller naturally, I used to recite disney movies word for word and act out the parts to my grandparents, start to finish. The Land Before Time was my Othello . I actually have 3 more that arent nearly as long but same basic concept, long interesting story leads to surprise ending. Btw, if you include people in the stories they love it, I actually get play from all kinds of women after telling these things sometimes haha.


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## mr_rainmaker

I award you 10 intenets


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## AnarchyDivine88

glassmoon0fo said:


> I tell that one at parties and in down time all the time, have for years. Im a pretty good storyteller naturally, I used to recite disney movies word for word and act out the parts to my grandparents, start to finish. The Land Before Time was my Othello . I actually have 3 more that arent nearly as long but same basic concept, long interesting story leads to surprise ending. Btw, if you include people in the stories they love it, I actually get play from all kinds of women after telling these things sometimes haha.



Haha that's great. You should post the others here sometime. Where do you get these stories/jokes anyway? You must have one hell of a good memory to be able to do that, especially with the movies. There's gotta be a career for you in that, like performing one man shows or something lol. I sometimes forget what I'm talking when telling short stories about things that actually happened to me.


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## mr_rainmaker

Neanderthal man walks into a cave with a pterodactyl on his shoulder.
Neanderthal woman said "Where did you find that?"
And the pterodactyl replied "I won him in a raffle."


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## glassmoon0fo

AnarchyDivine88 said:


> Haha that's great. You should post the others here sometime. Where do you get these stories/jokes anyway? You must have one hell of a good memory to be able to do that, especially with the movies. There's gotta be a career for you in that, like performing one man shows or something lol. I sometimes forget what I'm talking when telling short stories about things that actually happened to me.


 
I could see posting them sometime, but they arent printed anywhere because I heard em somewhere along the line. And I'm not really sure why I dig stories so much, but I've always been into a well-told story. That's precisely why I love Final Fantasy and anime, the japs (no racism intended, just shorter to say. although, I could have probably just said japanese and left of the "japs" explenation and saved time. whatev.) really know how to tell a story! 

to stay on topic:

What do you do when youre wife gets five feet out of the kitchen?
Buy a shorter chain.

What do you do when she gets ten feet out of the kitchen?
Shoot her, she's gettin away.

Why are women's watches different than mens?
Shit I don't know, there's a clock on the stove usually anyway.

If a tree falls on a woman and no one is around to hear it, what was a tree doing in the kitchen?

Why do brides wear white?
They want the dishwasher to match the fridge, dont they?

Why do fat bitches give the best head?
They'd better


----------



## Ill-Gotten James

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door? 
The knock always slows down. 

Q: What do you call a drummer who's lost his girlfriend? 
A: Homeless. 

"Hey buddy, how late does the band play?" 
"Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer." 

What is the difference between a drun line playing together and shoes in a dryer? 
-Nothing 

What is the difference between a drummer and a savings bond? 
One will mature and make money. 

What's black & blue, laying in a ditch dying?
-A guitarist that told too many dumb drummer jokes!


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## BlackMastodon

So I read the incredibly long, dry (see what I did there? ) joke, had a chuckle, then I went to Memebase and came to a realization: that incredibly long, dry joke is better than 90% of the crap on there, so there's that .


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## BlackMastodon

Back on topic:

A man is at work and is taking his lunch break, so he decides to call home and check up on his family. A little girl answers the phone, "Hello?"

"Hey sweetie," says the man.

"Oh, hi daddy," the girl answers. "How's work?"

"Good, good! What are you up to?"

"Just watching TV."

"Oh, that's nice. Where's your mother?"

"She's upstairs with Uncle Ted," the girl replies.

"Uncle...Ted?" The man says, very confused. He doesn't know anyone by the name of Ted, and he has been suspicious of his wife cheating for some time now. Getting very angry now, being almost positive that his wife is now having an affair, he takes a deep breath, cracks his neck, exhales, and calmly and as casually as he can, says, "Can you do me a favour honey?"

"Sure thing daddy!" the girl replies.

"K, I need to you to go upstairs, knock on mommy and daddy's door, and tell Mommy that I came home from work early."
The little girl answers, "OK!" and puts the phone down.

The man waits for a minute, he hears something going on in the background but it's very quiet through the phone. Another minute later he hears the phone being picked up again, followed by the little girl's voice, "Daddy, are you still there?" She's panting and sounds a bit worried.

"Yes I'm still here, what happened?" He is now very curious but also anxious and worried himself.

"Well, I went and knocked on Mommy's door, and told her that you were home early, like you said, and then I heard them start talking really fast and I heard a lot of noise and commotion from inside the room. I guess Uncle Ted really had to go, because he opened up the window and didn't realize that we didn't fill up the pool yet! But he jumped out of the window and fell in the empty pool, and then Mommy started screaming and crying and then a minute later I heard another sound from outside and I think Mommy jumped out after Uncle Ted to try and help him!" The little girl was now running out of breath and began sobbing. "I think they might be really hurt, Daddy! I need to call the hospital!"

The man sat there in his chair in disbelief; his whole world had come down around him. His wife was having an affair, but now both her and her lover were possibly dying in their.....
The man spoke once again, "Wait a minute. Pool? Is this 555-3504?"


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## AndrewG716

I don't consider short stories that end in puns to be jokes. And I don't believe you could tell that at a party either. But I did just read that entire thing.


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## The Beard

Waelstrum said:


> Knock knock.
> 
> Who's there?
> 
> x784392457438
> 
> Phillip Glass



Goddammit the sheer anticipation after holding my mouse down for so long made me laugh so hard when I got to the end


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## glassmoon0fo

AndrewG716 said:


> I don't consider short stories that end in puns to be jokes. And I don't believe you could tell that at a party either. But I did just read that entire thing.


 
Well obviously i dont tell it word for word, but yeah i do. And if a long, tense story ending in a shitty pun isnt funny, i dont want to live on this planet anymore


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## Alberto7

Waelstrum said:


> Massive Philip Glass knock knock joke





stc423 said:


> Goddammit the sheer anticipation after holding my mouse down for so long made me laugh so hard when I got to the end



I admit to not having laughed at that joke simply because I didn't know who John Philips was (though now I'm chuckling at it ). I came across this Philip Glass - Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia and couldn't stop laughing . The "See Also" section killed me


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## AnarchyDivine88

OK so Waelstrum wins wittiest joke. And I commend him for not having to use AIDS, bassists, nonsensical punchlines, or Helen Keller to do it. 

I'll stick to my cheap laughs though.


----------



## Edika

A guy goes to the doctors office urgently and is very upset. He sees that there is another guy waiting before him also very upset and nervous. As they wait for the doctor to come the first guy decides to start a conversation with dude that was already waiting to relax a bit.
- Hey man why are you going to see the doctor for? I see you are very anxious as am I and maybe getting it off your chest will help.
- Yes maybe you are right, says the second guy. It's a but embarrassing though so please keep it to yourself.
- Yes of course says the first guy.
- Well I woke up today and when I went to take a piss I show that my dick was red and I freaked!
- You don't say, I actually have a similar problem. My dick was green.
- Damn! Well lets hope it's nothing serious!
At that moment the doctor came in and the guy with the red dick goes in. After about five minutes he goes out smiling in a very good mood. The guy with the green dick asks what happened.
- Oh it was nothing finally! You'll see it's nothing to worry about.
And with that he left. Considerably reassured the green dick guy waited patiently until the doctor called him in. When he entered the doctor asked:
- What seems to be the problem?
- Oh I have a similar problem with the guy before only difference is that my dick is green instead of green but seeing as it was nothing serious maybe I shouldn't waste your time doctor.
- Well since you are hear we might as well take a look. Doesn't hurt to be sure it's nothing right? So drop you pants.
- Ok doc.
The guy drops his pants and when the doctor sees his dick his expression suddenly turned very serious and concerned, he starts examining the guys genital in detail, calls the nurse and asks for an ambulance and then calls the specialists in the hospital to explain the situation and prepares the patients chart for the ambulance in a state of panic and fear. The guy realizing something is off asks the doctor what is going on.
- I am afraid your situation is very serious and you have to be rushed to the hospital for emergency treatment.
- But why the other guy said it was nothing.
And the doctor replies:
- My dear fellow, lipstick is one thing but aggressive genital fungus is a whole different situation!!


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## Pooluke41

Waelstrum said:


> Knock knock.
> 
> Who's there?
> 
> Knock knock.
> 
> x742934562346532145
> 
> Phillip Glass



Here's the condensed version.


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## TheDuatAwaits

Alpenglow said:


> I might be able to top that... My friend who looks pretty young (14ish, he's actually in high school) goes to buy some condoms. He walks up to the cashier, looking very stoned, and pays for them. As he starts to walk away, the cashier says, "have a nice night!" He turns around and says with a huge grin on his face, "Oh, I will!" and winks and then walks out. Needless to say, I couldn't stop laughing.


 
My friend was actually super drunk off his ass, that's what made it so funny.


----------



## Waelstrum

AnarchyDivine88 said:


> OK so Waelstrum wins wittiest joke. And I commend him for not having to use AIDS, bassists, nonsensical punchlines, or Helen Keller to do it.
> 
> I'll stick to my cheap laughs though.



I heard it from a friend who is really into American minimalism, I take no credit.


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## Captain Shoggoth

Philip Glass joke is god tier.

I love the snake desert story, I think that's the second or third time I've read it, I remembered it had the hilarious ending but I hadn't seen it in a while so I'd forgotten what it was. Love it love it love it


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## Waelstrum

Not really a joke, but more an incident that just happened to me:

I was walking back to my flat, when Blücher (by Kamelot) came on my ipod. It reminded me of Admiral Nelson*, and in turn of a Monty Python sketch about Nelson:


(At 2:30ish)

I cracked a smile thinking about the sketch, and I noticed just as I cracked the smile, the person directly in front of me was a transvestite, and it looked like I was smiling at the transvestite. Then I nearly burst out laughing as I imagined trying to explain that I wasn't flirting with her, but I was just laughing at the song, but I thought that would probably only make things worse...

*(Because it's about a ship named after the Prussian General Blücher, who fought against Napoleon and was the 'Prussian equivalent of Nelson', according to Stephen Fry)


----------



## tacotiklah

Continuing the low brow humor we all love to hate, but secretly still love:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Your hair is very pretty
Hey, does this smell like chloroform to you?


----------



## BucketheadRules

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I have a gun
Get in the van.


----------



## BucketheadRules

Another one:

Roses are red, although there are also pink and white varieties,
Violets are not blue, they are violet, hence the name,
I have obsessive compulsive disorder,
And my poetry skills are quite lacking.


----------



## The Grief Hole

How do you get a clown off a swing?

Hit him in the face with an axe.


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## Malkav

Major copy paste coming, but I had to share them...

-The chief exports of John Petrucci are 64th notes.

-John Petrucci once played a solo so fast that his fingers broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Jimi Hendrix while he was trying to sleep.

-If you ask John Petrucci what time it is, he always, always says, "15/8."

John Petrucci has a box of souls he's amassed over the years after being challenged to "shredding contests". His box includes the souls of Steve Vai, Joe Satriani, Jimi Hendrix, Randy Rhoads, Yngwie J. Malmsteen, and the Devil.

Music stores have banned John Petrucci because whenever he enters, all of the guitar necks bow down to him.

John Petrucci doesn't practice, since it implies the chance of ****ing up a note. He shreds.

John Petrucci has two modes: walk and shred.

If stranded in the forest, John Petrucci can start a fire by playing a tremolo-picked solo of 64th notes until his pick catches fire.

John Petrucci once ordered a Big Mac at Burger King... He got it.

There is no guitar companies...just axes Petrucci has decided to not play

John Petrucci once broke all the strings on my guitar... I was just listening to his CD...

John Petrucci was originally hired as the devil's guitarist in "Crossroads." Steve Vai and the Karate Kid stepped in as emergency replacements after Petrucci's solo in the duel vaporized the original lead and melted three cameras on the set.

Jordan Rudess isn't bald because he shaved his head. He's bald because he mistakenly stepped onto Petrucci's side of the stage during soundcheck, while JP was firing of a face-melting salvo of 64th notes. Luckily, due to Rudess' keyboard shredding cred, he merely lost his hair in the process. Anyone less would have the skin tone of Skeletor.

John Petrucci can play five notes at the same time...on the same string.

If at first you can't play quintuplets @ 200 bpm, you're not John Petrucci.

John Petrucci once played his Mesa at 10... and survived

John Petrucci is not metal.. metal is John Petrucci

John Petrucci's guitars set themselves on fire

John Petrucci goes to 12.

when he wanted a seven string guitar, he just started to shred so fast that his music man morphed into a seven string guitar

John Petrucci eats D'Addarios for breakfast.

Scientist have proven that John Petrucci only has one finger, which moves so fast, it is never percieved as fewer than four fingers by the human senses. If he had more than one finger, scientists believe the universe would exceed critical energy density and collapse on itself, which would destroy everything (except, of course, John Petrucci, who can be neither created nor destroyed, only moved from one style of shredding to another).

John Petrucci has filed lawsuits with Gillette, claiming that their razor product named "Mach 3" is actually the name of Petrucci's first three fingers on his left hand.

They were going to release a John Petrucci edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "John Petrucci. In The Library. With the Speedy Lick."

John Petrucci is a major cause of house fires. Home stereo speakers burst into flames from the effort of reproducing his playing, quickly turning into a raging inferno that consumes everything in the house. Except John Petrucci cd's.

John Petrucci is the only person Area 51 can trust to shred top secret documents. If fact, he shreds them so fast that he breaks the documents down to a molecular level.

John Petrucci once told the cavemen that he gets his tone by using lizard skins as grille cover cloths. That was the end of the dinosaurs.

John Petrucci's right hand is so fast it is actually twelve years younger than the rest of his body.

John Petrucci has had the tendons in both wrists replaced with kevlar -

John Petrucci once transcribed and played an entire phonebook on guitar - in under twelve seconds.

amphetamines are made from DNA scraped from John Petrucci's right hand

John Petrucci invented tig welding - when he used stainless strings and a metal pick

John Petrucci invented gravity - when space-time tried to keep up with his right hand.

John Petrucci uses a bee and a megaphone for a metronome.

John Petrucci can clean his entire house with the vacuum created by his sweep arpeggios.

If Yngwie was half as fast as John Petrucci, the enegry consumed by his right hand would burn off all the excess fat on his body.

In the future, the speed of warp drives used for faster than light space travel will be measured in Petruccis. The speed of light is approximately 1.89x10^-50 Petruccis.

John Petrucci does not own an 8-string, because in his hands it is classified as a weapon of mass destruction.

Mesa does not make amps for musicians. Mesa makes amps for Petrucci, who selflessly allows us to use them. The amps are free, but we are all required to pay John Petrucci a suckage tax.

Once JP pops his pringles he can stop.

John Petrucci goes fishing in public swimming pools, and never comes home empty handed.

When John Petrucci bowls, he doesn&#8217;t even have to roll the ball, the pins just fall down out of pure fear.

John Petrucci once won the Tour de France&#8230;.he was riding a tricycle.

If John Petrucci existed during WWII, not a single Allied solider would have died.

John Petrucci is Chuck Norris&#8217; real father.

John Petrucci plays so fast that he single handedly caused global warming.

John Petrucci once worked out his guns&#8230;Charleston Heston resigned as president of the NRA.

John Petrucci once killed a man and murder became legal in all 50 states.

When Kevin Moore left Dream Theater, John Petrucci willed Pluto to be declassified as a planet.

Brad Pitt touched John Petrucci and immediately became gay.

After watching John Petrucci play, the Pope had to add an 8th deadly sin...playing better than John Petrucci.

On the 7th day, God rested. John Petrucci took over.

John Petrucci is Luke Skywalker's real father.

If you want a list of John Petrucci's enemies, just check the extinct species list.

John Petrucci drinks napalm through his hands to cure his heartburn.

John Petrucci uses pepper spray as eye drops.

John Petrucci once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as giraffes.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: John Petrucci.

In a recent survey it was discovered that 94% of American women lost their virginity to John Petrucci. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.

If it looks like beef, tastes like beef and smells like beef, but John Petrucci says it's pork, then it's f`cking pork.

John Petrucci never counts into a song or solo, he simply says "now". 

John Petrucci is strong against water type pokemon.

John Petrucci once developed a craving for penguins. He traveled to Antarctica and devoured several hundred before realizing that penguins give him gas. Hence, the hole in the ozone layer.

John Petrucci's country solos cure cancer, too bad he plays only prog. 
​


----------



## mr_rainmaker

OMG those are great!!!!


----------



## mr_rainmaker

Roses are red
Violets are blue

OOOOOO BUNNIES!!!! 


a little kid told me this last week,I lost it.


----------



## Genome

Malkav said:


> John Petrucci once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as giraffes.



I lost my shit here


----------



## tacotiklah

> John Petrucci used a bee and a megaphone as a metronome



I died laughing at this!!!


----------



## Alberto7

^ That one was taken from one of adam02's videos  I lost it completely the first time I heard it 

Some of those Petrucci jokes had me laughing like a maniac  hilarious stuff, indeed!


----------



## glassmoon0fo

roses are red
violets are blue
most poems rhyme
this one doesnt.


----------



## Genome

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'll fuck you with a rake


----------



## AK DRAGON

The flight attendant listened patiently to a man&#8217;s complaints: &#8220;You bring me cold coffee. You serve me lousy food. I can&#8217;t see the movie. Not that it matters because you didn&#8217;t bring me any headphones. And my window doesn&#8217;t even have a shade, so I can&#8217;t sleep.&#8221;

When he&#8217;d finally stopped whining, she said, &#8220;Just shut up and fly the plane!&#8221;


----------



## bhakan

This joke beats all of your jokes.


----------



## mr_rainmaker

I... I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK!


----------



## All_¥our_Bass

Since this is a music forum...


A C, E-flat and G go into a bar. The bartender says, "sorry,
but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G
have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the
fifth is diminished and G is out flat. F comes in and tries
to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

D comes in and heads for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me.
I'll just be a second." Then A comes in, but the bartender
is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.
Then the bartender notices B-flat hiding at the end of the
bar and says, "Get out! You're the seventh minor I've found
in this bar tonight."

E-Flat comes back the next night in a three-piece suit with
nicely shined shoes. The bartender says, "you're looking
sharp tonight. Come on in, this could be a major
development." Sure enough, E-flat soon takes off his suit
and everything else, and is au natural.

Eventually C sobers up and realizes in horror that he's
under a rest. C is brought to trial, found guilty of
contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced
to 10 years of D.S. without Coda at an upscale correctional
facility.


----------



## AnarchyDivine88

^  That was probably the best and smartest music related joke in this thread so far. I literally lol'd at this...and I have never felt like such a dork in my life.


----------



## mr_rainmaker

that was AWESOME!!!!


----------



## shredguitar7

Is it bad that when i shat this morning, it smelled like the Indian food i had last night, and i enjoyed it ?


----------



## BIG ND SWEATY

what do you give a boy with no arms or legs for christmas?
cancer


----------



## Genome

How many sound guys does it take to change a light bulb? 
"Hey, I just do sound."


----------



## glassmoon0fo

two bass drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff

*ba-dum chsssss*


----------



## mr_rainmaker

A man in his 90's, for a Special Birthday Gift from his Grandsons, is sent a Stripper to his home to entertain him. After she rings the bell of his home, she informs him that his grandsons sent her as a special birthday gift, to provide her services. The grandfather asks her, " What do you do?" She said ,"I can provide you "Sup-er Sex". &#8220;He says, &#8220;Look, I'm 98 years old, I'll take the Soup!"


----------



## mr_rainmaker

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb? 

 None. They let the keyboard player do it with his left hand.
 Don't bother. Just leave it out--no one will notice.
 One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
 Six: one to change it, and the other five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.


----------



## Bigsby

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license. 

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer." 

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror. 

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

--------------------------------------------------------
because im mexican


why do mexicans have small steering wheels

so they can drive with handcuffs on


what does a mexican get for christmas

your tv

---------------------------------------
Musician: 

What do you say to a guitar player in a 3-piece suit ?

"Will the defendant please rise ..."


How is an orgasm like a drum solo?


You can tell it's coming but there's no way to stop it


How can you tell a guitarist is at your door? 
By the Dominos Pizza hat. 

What do an electric guitarist and a vacuum cleaner have in common? 
When you plug them in, they both suck. 

What do bass players use for contraception?
Their personalities

Why don't bass players tell blonde jokes?
They don't understand them. ​


----------



## tacotiklah

A bear and a rabbit were taking a crap in the woods next to each other. The bear looks over at the rabbit and asks, "Excuse me Mr. Rabbit, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replies, "No Mr. Bear, I don't."
So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit...


----------



## mr_rainmaker

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at the accordions, please." 
The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there." 
After browsing, the drummer says, "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner." 
The store owner looks at him and says, "You're a drummer, aren't you?" 
The drummer, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?" 
The store owner says, "That `big red accordion' is the radiator."


----------



## glassmoon0fo

what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the floor?
Matt

what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs on the wall?
Art

what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a hole?
Phil

what do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob

what do you call a dead guy with no arms and no legs at a murder scene?
Tracy

what do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesnt matter, he aint coming anyway

where do you find a dog with no legs?
Exactly where you left him

What do you call a dog with no back legs and metal balls?
Sparky

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef

What do you call a cow with 3 legs?
Lean beef

What's more serious than a basket full of black kittens?
The holocaust


----------



## FormerlyVintage

Q: Who was Shawn Lane's favorite Comedian?

A: Tiago Della Vega


----------



## cycloptopus

So a guy walks into a doctor's office and he's got a cashew on his penis. He says, " doc, I got this cashew on my penis, what's wrong with me?" The doctor replies, "You're fucking nuts!"


----------



## Cabinet

Speaking of Shawn Lane


----------



## AngstRiddenDreams

^


----------



## AnarchyDivine88

Cabinet said:


> Speaking of Shawn Lane




 That's so fucking awesome! His reaction is so human! Which is funny because, when I listen to Shawn Lane, I lick myself and take a shit in a box... We all have our own ways of showing our appreciation for Shawn Lane, don't judge me...


----------



## incinerated_guitar

Waitwait wait I got one.....bass.......

Theres no such thing as a bass player, just a roadie with the privelage of being on stage


----------



## mr_rainmaker

that cat is EPIC!


----------



## incinerated_guitar

How many women does it take to screw in a light bulb?



























I think the real question here is....why isnt she in the kitchen?


----------



## JosephAOI

What if the lightbulb she's changing is in the kitchen?


----------



## incinerated_guitar

JosephAOI said:


> What if the lightbulb she's changing is in the kitchen?


 
Then why isnt she turning it into something delicious?


----------



## JosephAOI

Cause she can't see, the lightbulb burnt out!


----------



## The Beard

You don't keep your women in dark kitchens? Otherwise they'll find their way out


----------



## JosephAOI




----------



## r3tr0sp3ct1v3

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. The giraffe dies and the man is abotu to leave. The bartender tells the man " Don't that lyin there"
The man turns to him saying "That's not a lion, thats a giraffe.

Lame I know 

Rose are red
Violets are blue
Hungry as fuck
Got anymore glue? 

Yet again lame xD


----------



## BlackMastodon

The giraffe one is great imo . When i heard it in 28 Days Later I lol'd and got some weird looks. Man do I love dry humour.


----------



## Goatchrist

What is a black person in a plane cockpit?????





































A pilot, you racist bastard!
(Way better when told in RL..)


----------



## Aevolve

stc423 said:


> You don't keep your women in dark kitchens? Otherwise they'll find their way out



If they do then






Only some of you will get this.


----------



## Genome

I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."


----------



## sage

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?


Two, but how do you get the little fuckers in there?


----------



## FormerlyVintage

Not really a joke but someone in said this in class today and it cracked me up:

"I've come to the conclusion that Corpsegrinder has a neck-thru design."


----------



## pink freud

In honor of Pi Day I ate two pies.

It was rad.


----------



## Genome

pink freud said:


> In honor of Pi Day I ate two pies.
> 
> It was rad.



I ate 3.142 pies


----------



## pink freud

genome said:


> I ate 3.142 pies



Well that was quite square of you...


----------



## BlackMastodon

Aw fuck I missed pi day again?!? I also heard that today is Steak and BJ Day. This day turned out horribly D:


----------



## Waelstrum

Sometimes I'm sad that the only way I'll have a pie day is by going to America, but then I remember how much more sense it makes to have the units of measurement in ascending order.


----------



## JosephAOI

^

More jokes!

This one may have been posted already (anti-joke!):
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because fuck you.

It's funny if you're slap happy


----------



## sage

Why did the dead baby cross the road?

Because it was stapled to the chicken.


----------



## MFB

What do you call a group of open-minded gay people?


----------



## MFB

Edit : nvm


----------



## simulclass83

^Have I seen that on a Meshuggah video?


----------



## Xaios

*TASTELESS JOKE WARNING*:



Spoiler



Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and an onion?

A: You don't cry when you chop up a dead baby.


----------



## glassmoon0fo

*TASTELESS JOKE WARNING* 


How many babies does it take to paint a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them.

What's the difference between a pile of dead babies and a pink cadillac?
I dont have a pink cadillac in my garage.

What's black and blue, and hates sex?
The korean boy in my closet.

(tell this next joke with an artificial stutter)
Why d-d-d-d-id the p-p-p-p....the p-p-p-pidgeon cross the road?
B-b-because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch....because it was having s-sex with the ch-ch-ch-chick-k-k-k...because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-chuuuuhh...


----------



## Bigsby

the stutter one made me laugh harder than i should have


----------



## Faine

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?













Because it died.


----------



## mr_rainmaker

Q. How do you get two grunge guitar players to play in key?
A. Shoot one.


----------



## BlackMastodon

Since we are one dead baby jokes:

Q: What's worse than 20 dead babies in a dumpster?
A: One dead baby in 20 dumpsters.

Q: How do you stop a baby going down a zipline?
A: With a shovel.

Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A: A dead baby in a clown suit.


----------



## Xaios

EDIT: crap, nevermind. Someone already made that joke.


----------



## ZEBOV

AntoneBigsby said:


> How can you tell a guitarist is at your door?
> By the Dominos Pizza hat.



I drive for Domino's Pizza!


----------



## AngstRiddenDreams

Since Pi, Bj and Steak day are all the same day, could you knock out all three at once by 69'ing a cow????


----------



## BlackMastodon

If the cow was made of pie, I would have done it alrea-......


I'll be right back....


----------



## Neil

glassmoon0fo said:


> (tell this next joke with an artificial stutter)
> Why d-d-d-d-id the p-p-p-p....the p-p-p-pidgeon cross the road?
> B-b-because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-ch....because it was having s-sex with the ch-ch-ch-chick-k-k-k...because it was having sex with the ch-ch-ch-chuuuuhh...


----------



## simulclass83

BlackMastodon said:


> Since we are one dead baby jokes:
> 
> Q: What's worse than 20 dead babies in a dumpster?
> A: One dead baby in 20 dumpsters.
> 
> Q: How do you stop a baby going down a zipline?
> A: With a shovel.
> 
> Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
> A: A dead baby in a clown suit.


----------



## mr_rainmaker

Q. What's the difference between Cobain and a polished turd ? 
A: The Polish.....BAHAHAHAHAHA !!.....Damn I'm 
funny....Hello...Hello......Wait a minute....where's everyone going.........??


----------



## The Beard

^ I apologize for all the noise my cricket was making after your joke, has Restless Leg Syndrome 





...


----------



## Genome

Why did the old man fall off his bike?
Because some fucker threw a fridge at him

What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
"We are both lawyers"

Your momma's so fat that she should probably be worried about the increased risk of cardiovascular disease.

A duck walks into a bar. Animal control is promptly called and the duck is released in a nearby park.

A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.


----------



## tacotiklah

Kinda long, but still funny:


A man enters a bar after work to have a few drinks and relax. Upon entering, he sees a small(er) elephant tied to a rope in the corner. Next to the elephant is a jar half-filled with money. Next to the jar is a sign that says "Make the elephant laugh and win the jar of money."
The man walks up to the bartender, orders a beer, and proceeds to inquire about the contest. "Rules are pretty basic. Just do whatever you can to make the elephant laugh and the money is yours." Our protagonist thinks about it for a minute, puts his money in the jar, walks up to the elephant and whispers something in it's ear. Instantly the elephant starts laughing and laughing. The noise is unbearable. The bartender is astonished, but announces that the man has won and gives him the jar of money. The man buys everyone a round and goes home for the day. A few weeks later, the guy is thirsty after work and heads back to the same bar for a few drinks before calling it a day. As he walks in, he sees the same exact elephant tied in the corner with a jar that is filled to the brim with cash and sign next to the jar that says "Make the elephant cry and win the jar of cash". Man walks up to the bartender, orders a shot, and asks the bartender about it. Bartender says, "Word got around that you managed to win, so people have been trying really hard to win this. I had to change the rules a bit just to keep things interesting. Same rules as before, but this time you have to make that damn elephant cry. Should be less noise this time too." Man agrees, downs his shot, and ponders for a minute. He puts his money in the jar, unties the elephant, and takes it out back for a second. When he brings the elephant back inside, the elephant is crying it's eyes out and is inconsolable. The bartender says, "Well I guess you win, but I absolutely have to know how you managed to win both contests before I give you the money."
The man replies,"Well when I made the elephant laugh, I told him I had a bigger dick. When I made him cry just now, I proved it."


----------



## Gothic Headhunter

How do you make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of ice cream and 2 scoops of dead baby.


----------



## glassmoon0fo

A dog walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender, knowing that dogs cant talk, realizes what a rediculous situation he's experiencing and wakes up from his dream. He turns over to tell his amusing dream to his wife, who ignores him coldly. He then cries himself to sleep because his marriage is falling apart, and has been for a long time.


----------



## mr_rainmaker

Q: How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five &#8211; One to change the bulb and 4 do watch him and say &#8220;I can do better than that.


----------



## mr_rainmaker

Q: What&#8217;s the definition of a minor second?
A: Two lead guitarists playing in unison.


----------



## Fiction

Why did the airplane crash?

_Because the pilot was a loaf of bread._

Ba-dum-tshh.


----------



## blaaargh

What's red, bubbly, and taps on the window before it explodes? 
A baby in the microwave.


----------



## JosephAOI

glassmoon0fo said:


> A dog walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender, knowing that dogs cant talk, realizes what a rediculous situation he's experiencing and wakes up from his dream. He turns over to tell his amusing dream to his wife, who ignores him coldly. He then cries himself to sleep because his marriage is falling apart, and has been for a long time.


I lost my shit in the middle of class


----------



## iRaiseTheDead

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin Mobile


----------



## Herb Dorklift

What's blue and f*cks old women?

_Me in my lucky blue coat_


----------



## iRaiseTheDead




----------



## tacotiklah

An old favorite of mine I tell to people that annoy me:


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Go fuck yourself...


----------



## SeanSan

Yo mama's so fat, she was a deleted scene in the inconvenient truth.


----------



## tacotiklah

Yo mama jokes huh? K.

Yo mama so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and came out with an application
Yo mama so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil
Yo mama so poor, I seen her kickin' a can down the street, I asked her what she was doin' and she said, "Movin'."


/grade school fun


----------



## DrakkarTyrannis

ghstofperdition said:


> Yo mama jokes huh? K.
> 
> Yo mama so ugly, she walked into a haunted house and came out with an application
> Yo mama so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil
> Yo mama so poor, I seen her kickin' a can down the street, I asked her what she was doin' and she said, "Movin'."
> 
> 
> /grade school fun



Yo momma so ugly her mirrors filed restraining orders

Yo momma so stupid she won 4th place at the Spelling Bee..and there were only 2 people competing 

Yo momma so po, she couldn't afford the last 2 letters

Yo momma so white, her liverspots make her look like bleu cheese

Yo momma house so dirty the roaches ride dune buggies

Yo momma so fat she entered an eating contest and one first, second, and third

Yo momma so dumb she failed a blood test and asked for extra credit

Yo momma head's so big the bitch has movies instead of dreams

Yo momma so old she knew Cap'n'Crunch when he was just a private

Yo momma so snaggletoothed, she has road signs in her gums that read "Next tooth 5 miles"

Yo momma so fat, to fuck her you get on top, slap her thigh and just ride the tide

Yo momma so poor she tried tried to put a dollar menu burger on layaway



Yo momma so damn stupid she gave your uncle a blowjob to fix his unemployment


----------



## BornToLooze

What was Hitler's favorite video game? Meinkraft


----------



## flint757

BornToLooze said:


> What was Hitler's favorite video game? Meinkraft



Win


----------



## leahsguide

ow many punk rockers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Three. One to actually do it, and two more to stand back and say "that's so punk rock."

Here's one my friend did:

How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fuck it, let's just buy a new house!

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's an obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

PM me for pedophile jokes/the most racist joke I've ever heard
Like


----------



## Bigsby

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. 

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

3 people having sex is called a threesome, 2 is called a twosome, you can guess why they call me handsome


----------



## glassmoon0fo

Stealing that Carefree Gum joke for my facebook status


----------



## AnarchyDivine88

I'm so glad this thread is back after a jokeless week 

AntoneBigsby,  for the Mitch Hedberg jokes. I'll keep it going.



I had a small scene in a movie with Peter Frampton. And we had to smoke pot for our scene - but it was fake pot! Do not buy pot on a movie set. But I got to smoke fake pot with Peter Frampton, that's a cool story. It's as cool as smoking real pot with a guy who looks like Peter Frampton... I've done that way more.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. Goddammit Otto, you're an alcoholic! Goddammit Otto, you have lupus! One of those two doesn't sound right.

I say the word "totally" way too much. I need to change it and use a word that's different but means the same. "Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?" "All-encompassingly!"

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

The club owner here hooks me up with drugs, like cocaine or pot brownies. But last time I was in town he gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted. But I'm not, so what happened to me was I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would be telling me a story, then the story would end and I'd get all mad and shit. "Come on man, there's gotta be more to that story!"

I've had the AIDS test four times. And that shit is scary, doesn't matter what you've been doing. So I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the _roundabout_ AIDS test. I call up my friend Brian and say "Brian, do you know anyone that has AIDS? No? Cool... cause you know me."

I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us... or they thought we were okay. A lot of death metal bands have intense names, like "Rigormortis" or "Mortuary" or "Obituary". We weren't that intense, we just went with "Injured". Later on we changed it to "A Capella"... as we were walking out of the pawn shop.

I used to have really long hair, and people thought I was high on stage, because people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long-haired guy, they'd say "that fucker eats cake! He is on bundt cake!" Mothers saying to their daughters, "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"

You know when you go to concerts, and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd, stage diving? People think that's dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water! So the audience is 5 percent away from a pool.

I play the guitar, I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.


----------



## BlackMastodon

Man I love Mitch Hedberg.  His jokes were so simple but always so good.


----------



## petereanima

Yo momma works at McDonalds....as fat.


----------



## Infamous Impact

Where did little Annie go after the explosion?
EVERYWHERE.


----------



## Jakke

An irishman walks out of a bar...


----------



## AnarchyDivine88

Jakke said:


> An irishman walks out of a bar...


----------



## AngstRiddenDreams




----------



## tacotiklah

Yeah I call b.s. on that. Truth would be more like

"So a drunken Irishman was dragged out of a bar by police while he was kicking, screaming obscenities, making lewd gestures, and by all accounts doing a hell of a job resisting arrest. It should also be noted that he wasn't wearing any pants..."


----------



## Jakke

I suspect this joke is too sophisticated for this crowd


----------



## mr_rainmaker

A fairly young, fairly attractive couple go to see a doctor and say they're having trouble making love. 'Could you watch us and correct any mistakes we might be making?' asks the guy. The doc thinks it a bit unusual but says 'OK' He watches for a while, offers a couple of suggestions and when they finish says 'well things look pretty good to me, you don't seem to have any problems'. To which the couple respond with 'things don't feel exactly right, do you mind if we come back next week for a little more guidance'. The doctor agrees and the couple return the following week. Once again they repeat the performance, get a tiny bit of help and leave quite satisfied. On the third visit the following week the doctor says 'look I really don't see any problem here, in fact I wish my love making was as good, why do you keep coming back?' The young man says 'well to tell you the truth, I'm a guitarist in a rock band, live in a smelly old squat and don't make much money. she's married to this other guy who works from home so we can't go there. I can't afford to take her to a motel. this place is warm and friendly, we get free coffee and magazines while we wait and I get all the costs back from Medicare.


----------



## DrakkarTyrannis

Two Irish priests walk into a bar.....................I lost my mother to cervical cancer..


----------



## glassmoon0fo

old favorite of mine, I found a MUCH shorter version of it (i got a thing for long jokes, see earlier in this thread haha)

One day a woman, feeling particularly lonely that day, walked into a sex shop. The cashier asked if she needed help, to which she replied "yes, i would like the best dildo you have...the price is not an issue." The cashier asked her to wait a moment and disappeared into the back of the store. When he returned, he was holding a dusty and ancient looking box. When he opens the box, inside is a normal looking dildo. "What's so special about this?" the woman asked. The cashier then explained that this was a MAGIC dildo, all you needed to do was say "Magic Dildo, _______" and fill in the blank with whatever you wanted the dildo to fuck, and it will fuck it by itself.

The woman returns home with her new merchandise eager to try it out. She goes up to her room with the dildo and says "magic dildo, my vagina!" The next hour is filled with the best sex she has ever had. Afterwards, however, she realizes there is a small problem. How do you get the magic dildo to stop?? The woman panics and gets into her car and speeds over to the sex shop hoping to catch the cashier again before the store closes. Unfortunately, on the way over she is pulled over by a police officer.

"what's the big rush?" The policeman asks. The woman then continues to tell the police officer the story of her strange day, to which the skeptic replies "Ha! Magic dildo my ass!"


----------



## BlackMastodon

I demand that this thread live!!!!! 

So a delivery guy is at work, doing his route, delivering packages and what not.
He pulls up to one house and walks up to the door holding a parcel and rings the doorbell.
No answer, but he can hear the faint sound of music from inside the house.
He rings the doorbell again and knocks on the door as well just to make sure.
About 10 seconds later, the door opens and a small boy is standing there, no older than 8 years old, wearing women's underwear, an oversized bra, high heels, tons of making, smoking a cigarette and holding a glass of what looks like scotch on the rocks, all while listening to a Madonna CD rather loudly.
The delivery man says, "Whoa! Err, son are your parents home?"
The kid answers, "The fuck do you think?"


----------



## Bigsby

this thread needs more demetri martin:


I like parties, but I don&#8217;t like piñatas because the piñata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there&#8217;s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let&#8217;s kick its ass. What I&#8217;m trying to say is, don&#8217;t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did 

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I&#8217;m good at everything


The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you&#8217;re signing somebody&#8217;s cast


If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I&#8217;d probably just start calling out letters


The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades


And needs even more Steven Wright:



Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. 


I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.


They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live on the edge...


I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.


I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.


Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."


----------



## glassmoon0fo

Someone negged me for the Bartender joke 

RACIST JOKES WARNING:

What's the difference between a jew and a canoe?
Canoes tip every now and then.

Ever hear about that new jewish car?
Can hit 60 in less than 4 seconds, stops on a dime, AND picks it up for you.

How did copper wiring come into existance?
Two jews fighting over a penny.

What happens when a jew with a boner runs into a brick wall?
Breaks his nose.

Come to think of it, why DO jews have big noses?
Air is free.



I'm biracial, if I have to make some black/white jokes to make these ok, so be it haha.


----------



## BlackMastodon

glassmoon0fo said:


> Someone negged me for the Bartender joke


I guess their marriage was falling apart or they didn't like your dry humour.


----------



## flint757

BlackMastodon said:


> I guess their marriage was falling apart or they didn't like your dry humour.



Yeah I thought that joke was brilliant


----------



## AnarchyDivine88

glassmoon0fo said:


> I'm biracial, if I have to make some black/white jokes to make these ok, so be it haha.



I'm kind of curious, what would a black/white joke be? lol I tried googling for some but it just keeps giving me interracial porn sites


----------



## glassmoon0fo

Well, I meant white OR black jokes. Except, there arent many white people jokes, either the government keeps taking them off the net or it's just too good to be white in America . Here's a few redneck jokes anyway (the only ones I know)

How do you circumsize a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas? 
Anywhere else, they probably would have called it a teethbrush.


Two guys from arkansas are walking down the street towards each other, one has a bag over his shoulder. The other stops him and says "'ey mayne, whachu got 'n 'at der sack?" The man says "chickuns". To which, the other say, "'ey mayne, if I guess how many chickuns is in 'at der sack, can I git one from yeh?" The other replies, "Shiiiit, if you guess how many's in 'is her sack, you'n have BOTH of 'em."

And here's a few you'll probably only hear in Louisiana <3

Why hasn't Louisiana fallen off in the ocean yet? 
Arkansas Sucks.

How did the water clear from New Orleans quicker than expected after Katrina?
Mississippi Blows.

Don't really have any Texas jokes since the state's so big and wealthy, but just to be thorough, fuck Texas too


----------



## AnarchyDivine88

lmao oh I thought you meant mixed race jokes. Well at least I found some great interracial porn sites  JK. Now that I think about it, that show Key and Peele has some though, those two guys are pretty funny.

And now another redneck joke:

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: Firstly, the DNA all matches and secondly, there are no dental records.


----------



## flint757

glassmoon0fo said:


> Well, I meant white OR black jokes. Except, there arent many white people jokes, either the government keeps taking them off the net or it's just too good to be white in America . Here's a few redneck jokes anyway (the only ones I know)
> 
> How do you circumsize a redneck?
> Kick his sister in the jaw.
> 
> Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?
> Anywhere else, they probably would have called it a teethbrush.
> 
> 
> Two guys from arkansas are walking down the street towards each other, one has a bag over his shoulder. The other stops him and says "'ey mayne, whachu got 'n 'at der sack?" The man says "chickuns". To which, the other say, "'ey mayne, if I guess how many chickuns is in 'at der sack, can I git one from yeh?" The other replies, "Shiiiit, if you guess how many's in 'is her sack, you'n have BOTH of 'em."
> 
> And here's a few you'll probably only hear in Louisiana <3
> 
> Why hasn't Louisiana fallen off in the ocean yet?
> Arkansas Sucks.
> 
> How did the water clear from New Orleans quicker than expected after Katrina?
> Mississippi Blows.
> 
> Don't really have any Texas jokes since the state's so big and wealthy, but just to be thorough, fuck Texas too



hey, hey watch it....we got guns


----------



## AngstRiddenDreams

Me: "Hey do you want to play the rape game?"
Girl: "NOOO!!"
Me: "That's the spirit!!!!"


----------



## AngstRiddenDreams

This thread makes me laugh so god damn hard everytime i read through it


----------



## highlordmugfug

How do you confuse a blonde?


Paint yourself green and throw spoons at her.


----------



## flint757

highlordmugfug said:


> How do you confuse a blonde?
> 
> 
> Paint yourself green and throw spoons at her.



If someone did that to me I think I'd be confused too. 

What a sight that'd be...

Texan: Where are you from?
Harvard grad: I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.
Texan: Okay  where are you from, jackass?


----------



## Alberto7

flint757 said:


> Texan: &#8220;Where are you from?&#8221;
> Harvard grad: &#8220;I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.&#8221;



Tell that to the Oxford and Merriam-Webster dictionaries .
"This is just the sort of nonsense up with which I will not put. And fuck you." - Winston Churchill... and my own ending sentence beginning with a conjunction.


----------



## shogunate

Didn't realize how long these jokes were, they go faster when I speak them in person, so I punctuated them with shorter ones. Also, I fully condone the derogatory jokes that keep getting deleted  as long as you tell racist jokes about every race, it's even right???

What's the difference between a pile of sand and a pile of dead babies?


You can't lift a pile of sand with a pitchfork.
__________________________________________

A plane is travelling through the air with 3 passengers, a 90 year old priest, a 10 year old schoolboy, and George W. Bush. Midflight, the pilot comes back into the cabin and tells them 
"I have some very bad news, we don't have enough fuel to make it to our destination, so we are going to crash in 5 minutes. Unfortunately, there are only 3 parachutes aboard, and I'm taking one. Later, suckers!" and grabs a chute and jumps off the plane. George W. Bush looks at the priest and the schoolboy and proclaims 
"Why, I'm the smartest man in the world! The whole wide world! AND I'm president! I can't die, I just can't!" and grabs a pack and jumps off the plane. The priest looks with his old, drooping eyes at the young schoolboy and says "You take the last pack son. I've had a good long life and I know that God is waiting for me in heaven." 
The schoolboy replies "Actually mister, we both have parachutes." The priest looked at him, baffled "What do you mean?" 
"Well, you know that guy who said he was the smartest man in the world? He just grabbed my school backpack and jumped off"
________________________________

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?


She answered the iron.
________________________________

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are all talking and come to the topic and debate of who has it worst. The cucumber says "I've got it the worst. The people come, slice me up and toss me in a big bowl with a bunch of other mutilated vegetables and eat me!". To which the pickle replies, "You think THAT'S bad? When I'm ripe, they toss me in a big jar of vinegar and let me prune and then eat me!" Hearing both of these arguments the penis proclaims "That's nothing. Last night they threw rubber tarp over my head, stuck me a dark room and banged my head against the wall until I threw up and passed out!"
__________________________________
What do ALL of the MOST FAMOUS guitar players in the world have in common in all of their guitars that they PERSONALLY use and endorse???




Rhythm in jump, dancing close to you.
On each and every trem.
____________________________________

A big time texas lawyer is out hunting ducks in the middle of nowhere, and during one particularly fine shot with the shotgun the duck drops onto a patch of land behind a small scraggly fence. The lawyer jumps over the fence to retrieve his kill, and as he does so a tractor pulls up with a very old, very frail farmer on it. The farmer asks what the stranger is doing on his land to which the lawyer replies
"This is my duck, I killed it, and am retrieving it and will be on my way"
The farmer protests, saying "Now wait here son, how I see it that duck is on my land and you're now trespassing, why don't the just leave this one be and go on about your way now, hear?"
This infuriated the lawyer, not about to let some old redneck coot take his rightful kill from him and started shouting "Now listen to me old timer, I killed this duck and I'm a lawyer the second my birdshot killed it it became mine, no matter where it fell, and I will tear you apart in court you old codger, I'm the biggest most expensive lawyer in the state and I will not only sue for MY duck but also for whatever this piece of shit farm is worth for causing me trouble!"
The old man looks at this young strapping hunter and says calmly and thoughtfully "Well, I don't know about all that, but round here we got what we call the 'three kick rule'"
In all his legal training and precedent the lawyer had never heard of the 'three kick rule'
The old man then explains "Goes a lil something like this, see: when we got ourselves a disagreement like this 'un right here, we resolve it with 3 kicks from each party until the other done gives up. So I kick you 3 times in a row, you kick me 3 times in a row, until one of gives up and lets the other have the duck peacefully"
The lawyer looks at this frail, old coot in coveralls and mud and thinks to himself that being so much younger and stronger, he can certainly outlast this contest and on top of that, probably teach this old man a lesson for being so mouthy, too. 
"OK old man, I accept!"
The farmer turns off his tractor and slowly, delicately climbs down, turns to the lawyer who's a good foot and a half taller, takes a breath, and lifts his heavy duty, mud crusted boot to nail the hunter right in the kneecap, sending him down and howling in pain. The farmer retracts his boot, and sends his 2nd kick straight into the lawyer's gut, knocking the wind out of him and temporarily silencing his yelling. For his 3rd kick, the farmer took careful aim, and with all the might he could muster and nails the lawyer right in the groin. 
For the next few minutes, understandably the lawyer rolls in absolute agony on the ground, while the farmer leaned against his tractor, watching. 
Finally, panting and red in the face, the lawyer struggles to his feet and says 
"OK... My turn... To kick you 3 times!"
The farmer climbs back on his tractor and replies,

"Ahh, fuck it. I give up. You can keep the duck"


----------



## Jesse7

A man walks into a bar...




It hurt.


----------



## flint757

Some chem humor for ya...

The second one I mean


----------



## SenorDingDong

St. Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.

After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."

Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"

The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"


----------



## makeitreign

Why did the baby cross the road?
Because it was chained to my bumper.

How do you keep a baby from crawling around in circles?
Nail it's other hand to the floor.


Warning!
Do not read if you are easily offended.
What do you get when you throw a baby down the stairs?
An erection.

How long does it take to cook a baby in the microwave?
I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.

/rep

PM me if you want to hear the worst joke I know.


----------



## AnarchyDivine88

That Pinocchio joke!  For some reason, I have the feeling that that joke has been told a lot and that I should have heard it before, yet I haven't


----------



## warhead

AnarchyDivine88 said:


> Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: Firstly, the DNA all matches and secondly, there are no dental records.




now, this one is great


----------



## flint757

Heard this one from someone:

If you've seen one breast, 
























you're probably going to see the other one.


----------



## Bungle

A man runs into a hospital yelling "Doctor doctor, I was just raped by an elephant!". Shocked, the doctor hurries the man into an examination room and instructs the man to remove his pants so he could inspect the damage. Upon seeing the mans anus, the doctor is horrified, but manages to retain his composure and measures the diameter of the mans anus to determine the extent of the injuries.

After several thorough minutes the doctor says "Hmmm, I don't know how to break this to you sir, but what I can't work out is how come your anus measures 14 inches in diameter but an elephants penis is usually 6 inches in diameter..."

With his eyes welling up in tears, the man replies "Well, you see doctor, he.... he fingered me first"



How do you keep an asshole in suspense?


Spoiler



.................................................


----------



## x360rampagex

How do you annoy an archaeologist?

Give them a used tampon and ask which period it came from.
________________
________________

Three men go on holiday abroad together. The tourist office informs them that there is only one hotel in town with vacancies. The lads go along there, only to be told by reception that there is just one available room left in the hotel. They are not keen, but as it is their only option, they take the room for one evening and share its only bed.
That night, they all enjoy a good night's sleep. In the morning, the guy on the right side of the bed says,
"I dreamt I had the best wank last night."
The guy on the left side says,
"That's funny, I had the exact same dream!".
The guy in the middle says, "I dreamt I was skiing."
___________
___________

A mother and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. 
The son turned from the window to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs 
and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother said, "Well, maybe that's something you could ask the stewardess."

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have... 
baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case. "Well, then, tell your mother that there are 
no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. You can ask your mother to 
explain it to you.


----------



## Jakke

Two necrophiliacs walk past a morgue. Then one necrophiliac turn to the other nercophiliac and say; "hey, wanna go in for a couple of cold ones?"


----------



## Jakke

There was a man who was out golfing with a minister. The man had a putt to make, but he missed, and said: 
-fuck, I missed.
The minister said that one should not swear, that angers god, and you might not go to heaven because of that. 
It started to rain, and the minister was just about to make a shot when a lightningbolt came out of the sky and burnt him to crisp. The man then heard a deep and immensely powerful voice from the clouds saying: 
-fuck, I missed.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The same man (he has a name in swedish, but it would not make any sort of sense to a non swedish speaker) was biking through Stockholm, he had two bags in a basket on his steering wheel, there was a hole in one of the bags, and out dropped coins. He got stopped by a police who informed him that he was dropping coins. 
- Oh, I better backtrack and pickup my coins, said the man
- Hey wait now, said the police. Why do you have coins in that bag? You haven't stolen them, have you?
- No, I live next to this football stadium, and in halftime people pee against my hedge. I usually stand with my hedge trimmer and demand a dollar for not cutting it off.
The police laughed and said that it was a pretty funny idea.
- Hohohoho, what a funny idea. But.. What do you have in the other bag?
- Well, not everyone pays up...


----------



## makeitreign

Is his name Richard?


----------



## Jakke

makeitreign said:


> Is his name Richard?



No, Bellman


----------



## Xaios

Badum-bump!


__________________


In the beginning, God created China.

They basically took over from there.


----------



## JStraitiff

A woman is walking through the grocery store with her husband. 
He walks to the bathroom and when he does another man walks up and says to the woman "Im gonna tweak your nipples until they bleed"
She is outraged and says "Just wait till my husband gets back and hears you said that"
He says to her "Im gonna spank your ass until it turns blue"
She says "Just wait, hes gonna kick your ass"
He goes "Im gonna fill your vagina up with beer and drink it out with a straw"
She goes "Here he comes. Get ready"
The husband returns and the woman tells him "This guys says hes gonna tweak my nipples until they bleed", the husband takes off his coat
"Then he said hes going to spank my ass until it turns blue", the husband rolls up his sleeves and takes off his tie.
"He said hes gonna fill my vagina up with beer and drink it out with a straw", The husband starts rolling back down his sleeves, puts his tie back on and puts his jacket back on.
She goes "What are you doing? Arent you gonna kick this guys ass?"
The husband replies "Hell no! im not gonna fuck with someone who can drink that much"


----------



## AnarchyDivine88

^  That was awesome.


----------



## ZEBOV

Your mom.


----------



## makeitreign

OOHHHH HAHAHA YOU'RE SO FUNNY.


----------



## ZEBOV

Seriously though, when someone asks what you're doing, say "your mom." Or sister.


----------



## glassmoon0fo

a priest and a rabbi are walking past a playground. The priest looks over at an unsupervised child and says "hey, wanna screw that little boy?" The rabbi says "Out of what?"


----------



## Jakke

People with religious sensibilities are warned.



Spoiler



The prophet Mohammed heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of his tent. He sat down beside her and said, &#8220;Why are you leaving me, wife?&#8221;

&#8220;I heard one of the other wives say that you are a pedophile!&#8221; she answered.

Mohammed thinks for a minute and responds, &#8220;That&#8217;s a mighty big word for a 6-year old!&#8221;


----------



## Ocara-Jacob

That's pretty freakin' hilarious.


----------



## Bigfan

It's funny because (According to the Qur'an), it's true!


----------



## Jakke

Bigfan said:


> It's funny because (According to the Qur'an), it's true!



If I recall correctly, wasn't Aisha nine or something?


----------



## BucketheadRules

My cock was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records once.

But it really pissed off the librarian and she kicked me out.


----------



## BucketheadRules

I was desperate to lose my virginity so I decided to take my mate's advice and have sex with a watermelon.

Now I can't get the fucking thing out of my arse.


----------



## ShiftKey

I was raised in east london so i get these but if your not aware of what an essex girl is think of something like the the yer' but no' character from little britain.

How do you get 4 essex girls to sit on a stool?
turn it over

what do you call a blonde (or essex girl) with pigtails?
blowjob with handlebars

Q: Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the kitchen sink ?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables

Q: How can you tell if an Essex girl's been using the computer ?
A: There's Tipp-Ex on the screen.

Q: What's the difference between an Essex girl and a computer ?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.

Q: What do an Essex girl and your computer have in common ?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.


Q: Why do Essex girls wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.

Q: Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.


Q: Why do Essex girls take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: What is the difference between a smart Essex girl and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.


----------



## glassmoon0fo

Why did the blonde stop taking the pill?
Fell out every time she stood up.

Why did the blonde have a bruised belly button?
Her boyfriend was blonde too.

A good looking business man gets on an elevator with a blonde and a brunette. The brunette notices that, good looking as he is, he has some dandruff on his shoulder, so she says to the blonde, "hot guy, but he needs Head and Shoulders." The blonde says, "...how do you give shoulders?"


----------



## ESP_

I like my women like I like my coffe, ground up and in a bag.
I like my women like I like my turtles. Helpless when they're on their back.
I like my women like I like my coffee: exploitatively exported from a third-world country.
I like my women like I like my coffe, without a penis.


----------



## glassmoon0fo

Well, i like my women like i like my scotch. Ten years old and all mixed up with coke.


----------



## BlackMastodon

I like my women like I like my metal: heavy and screaming incoherently.


----------



## Genome

I like my women like I like my tennis balls, full of stitches and ready to be hit with a bat again.


----------



## Gabe_LTD

BlackMastodon said:


> I like my women like I like my metal: heavy and screaming incoherently.



I like my music the same way I like my sex, Fast , Loud, and satanic...



Edit:

I have a funny joke based on something that happen to me.
Its kinda of a joke I like to tell to friends.  

A while ago I was watching porn, no big deal.
After the video ended it gave me the option to share it on facebook...
...why would I want my facebook friends to see what kinda of porn I watch.. 
Seriously what kinda of sick fuck shares a bondage orgy video on facebook.
That shit just aint right...!


----------



## Waelstrum

I don't like coffee...


----------



## Jakke

Waelstrum said:


> I don't like coffee...



Me neither, I have some tea brewing right now.


----------



## Jakke

Again, people who get offended, do not trouble yourself to read this. I pulled this off some band I follow on Facebook.



Spoiler



Nickelback walks into a bar. 
-There is no punchline to this joke, because destroying music is not fucking funny.


----------



## flint757

I'd like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the 
authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.


A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the 
Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something 
I've never done before: I took a bus home.


Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it 
past.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have 
never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.


----------



## BornToLooze

How many musician jokes are there?



One, the rest are true

What's the difference in a bass and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a bass.

What does a stripper do with her asshole before work?
Drop him off at band practice.

Why are a guitar player's fingers like lightning? 
They rarely strike the same spot twice.

Relative minor...a banjo player's girlfriend

How is a bass player like a vacuum?
When you plug them in they suck

Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?
Because he's Haydn!

What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?
A pair of Re-bachs.

and I saw this somewhere

The Mozart Effect: Makes a child smarter and more mathematical along with a higher IQ 

The Haydn Effect: Child is witty and quick on his feet, quite often bringing a grin to the faces of those around him. Despite this he exhibits remarkable humility. 

The Bach Effect: Child memorizes Scripture and says his prayers every day; may overwhelm listeners with his speech. 

The Handel Effect: Much like the Bach Effect; in addition, the child may exhibit dramatic behavior. 

The Beethoven Effect: Child develops a superiority complex and is prone to violent tantrums; is a perfectionist. 

The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important 

The Bruckner Effect: Child speaks very slowly and repeats himself frequently. Gains a reputation for profundity. 

The Grieg Effect: This child is quirky yet cheery. May be prone toward Norwegian folklore. 

The Wagner Effect: Child becomes a megalomaniac. Speaks for six hours at a stretch. 

The Schoenberg Effect: Child never repeats a word until he has used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talk backwards or upside-down. Eventually people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him. 

The Ives Effect: Child develops a remarkable ability to carry on several separate conversations at once. 

The Stravinsky Effect: Child is prone to savage, guttural and profane outbursts that lead to fighting and pandemonium in preschool. 

The Shostakovich Effect: Child only expresses themselves in parent-approved ways. 

The Cage Effect: Childs says exactly nothing for 4 minutes and 33 seconds. Preferred by 9 out of 10 classroom teachers. 

The Glass Effect: Child repeats one word over, and over, and over, and over....


----------



## glassmoon0fo

A man named Bob goes to prison for money laundering. He's brought to his cell for the first time, and as the guard closes his cell door, he notices his roommate: a huge, tattooed, violent-looking inmate lying on he top bunk, looking down at him plainly. After a few tense seconds of staring, he says to Bob, "You wanna be mommy or daddy?" Bob says, stuttering, "I'm not a homosexual, and I'd really like to just take it easy here and get-" The inmate says impatiently, "Do you want to be MOMMY, or DADDY?" Bob begins to weep for himself slightly, but man's up and says, "I'm daddy, YOU'RE mommy." The inmate coos softly, "Then get up here and suck mommy's dick."


----------



## Waelstrum

BornToLooze said:


> The Liszt Effect: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important



Why am I reminded of Russell Brand?


----------



## AnarchyDivine88

Essex sounds like a great place.


----------



## Labrie

ESP_ said:


> I like my women like I like my coffe, ground up and in a bag.
> I like my women like I like my turtles. Helpless when they're on their back.
> I like my women like I like my coffee: exploitatively exported from a third-world country.
> I like my women like I like my coffe, without a penis.




I like my women like I like my coffee...extra large and black.


----------



## AnarchyDivine88

I like my women like I like my coffee, colombian and in a burlap sack on the back of a donkey.

I like my women like I like my toasters, in the kitchen.

I like my women like I like my HTML, accessible and compliant.

I like my women like I like my windows Vista, Always going down on me.

I like my women like I like my coffee, hot, black, and full of my own semen...don't judge me


----------



## Bekanor

A woman runs into a police station crying, stammering nonsensically and clinging to the tattered rags that used to be her dress. 

The sergeant on hand wraps her in a blanket and sits her down with a cup of tea and waits for her to regain some semblance of composure before he tries to question her. 

Once the woman has calmed down enough to be coherent she tells the sergeant "I...I was graped in the alley off Bailey street".

The sergeant, understandably confused asks "Don't you mean you were _raped_?"

The lady sobs some more and replies "No, there was a bunch of them".


----------



## BornToLooze

How do you make a bass sound good? Sell it and buy a guitar

Did you hear about the bassist that was so out of tune people noticed him? 

There was a certain bartender who was quite famous for being able to accurately guess people's IQs. One night a man walked in and talked to him briefly and the bartender said, "Wow! You must have an IQ of about 140! You should meet this guy over here." So they talked for a while about nuclear physics and existential philosophy and had a great time. 
A second man walked in and soon the bartender has guessed about a 90 IQ for him. So he sat him down in front of the big-screen TV and he watched football with the other guys and had a hell of a time. 
Then a third man stumbled in and talked to the bartender for a while. The bartender said to himself, "Jeez! I think this guy's IQ must be about 29!" He took him over to a man sitting at a little table back in the corner and said, "You might enjoy talking with this guy for a while." 
After the bartender left, the man at the table said, "So do you play a 4 string or a 5 string?" 

What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
With a drum machine you only have to punch the information in once. 

How many lead guitarists does it take to change a light bulb? 
None--they just steal somebody else's light.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on? 
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

What's the difference between a puppy and a singer-songwriter? 
Eventually the puppy stops whining

How many vintage guitar collectors does it take to change a lightbulb? 
None. Even thought the light bulb is defective, replacing it with a
modern bulb would lower the value of the entire ceiling.

What color where Kurt Cobain's eyes? 
Blue....one blew this way, one blew that way.

 What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
 The bull has the horns in front and the ass in the back

 A visiting music lover wanders into a back alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
 "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," Says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
 "You can keep the story, old man," He replies, "But I'll take the rat."
 The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him.
 By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.
 Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown. Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
 "Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," Says the owner.
 "No," says the music lover, "I was wondering if you have a bronze bass player."

 In Djent bands of the future there will be two animals, a "Musician" and a dog. The "Musician" will be there to feed the dog, and the dog will be there to bite the "Musician" if he tries to play anything.

How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb ?None. The guitar player can do it with his teeth.

Why bury bass players 6 feet under?
Because deep down they're all very nice people..

What came first? The ego or the guitar?


----------



## BornToLooze

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"​ The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."​ Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"​ He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
​ 

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."


A Marine was coming home from the Pentagon one day. He noticed that there was a lot more traffic than normal. As he got further up the road all of the traffic had come to a halt. He saw a policeman coming towards his car, so he asked the cop what was wrong. The cop said, "Man we are in a crisis situation. Mr. Clinton is in the road very upset. He does not have the $33.5 million that he owes his lawyers, and his family hates him. He is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and start a fire." The marine asked the cop exactly what he was doing there." The cop said, " I feel sorry for the president so I am going car to car asking for donations." The marine asked, "How much do you have so far?" The cop replied, "Well as of right now only 33 gallons, but many people are still siphoning as we speak!"

Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are traveling in a car together in the Midwest. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands of yards away. When they come down and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the land of Oz. They decide to go to see the Wizard of Oz. Quayle says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a brain." Gingrich says, "I'm going to ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "Where's Dorothy?"

A minister was seated next to Bill Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" Clinton then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice. I'll have the same thing he's having."

Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot. "Does this parrot talk?" she asked. "Yes, he does," the manager told her. "But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?" she asked. "Well, ma'am," the manager told her, "not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whorehouse, and his language is terrible."
"Well, I want him," she said. "Suit yourself," the manager shrugged. When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye, and said, "New house, new madam." Hillary laughed.
Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. "New house, new whores," the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hilary explained about the bird's history, they too, laughed at him.
A few minutes later, the president entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said, "Hi, Bill."

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."


----------



## highlordmugfug

flint757 said:


> I'd like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.
> 
> As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the
> authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
> 
> 
> A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the
> Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
> 
> Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something
> I've never done before: I took a bus home.
> 
> 
> Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it
> past.
> 
> I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise; as I have
> never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.


I stole this for a facebook status. I apologize for nothing.


----------



## flint757

highlordmugfug said:


> I stole this for a facebook status. I apologize for nothing.







It's cool. I wasn't the first person to say it anyways.


----------



## BucketheadRules

If I had a pound for every time my wife complained about equality, I'd give her about 30p.


----------



## SenorDingDong

genome said:


> I like my women like I like my tennis balls, full of stitches and ready to be hit with a bat again.



Is that how the play tennis in the UK--with bats?


----------



## flint757

baseballs seems like a better pick


----------



## Metal_Webb

What's the difference between a strip club and a circus?

The circus is full of cunning stunts.


----------



## Gothic Headhunter

^and they both have camel toes


----------



## SilenceIsACrime

What did the zombie do after he dumped his girlfriend?

He flushed.


----------



## Genome

SilenceIsACrime said:


> What did the zombie do after he dumped his girlfriend?
> 
> He flushed.



That sounds like a very civilised zombie.


----------



## glassmoon0fo

A man gets a call on his cell phone. It's the local police, and they tell him that his wife's been in a major car accident and he needs to go to the hospital immediately. He drops what he's doing and drives with a police escort to the emergency ward where they're opperating on his wife frantically. After 2 1/2 hours in surgery, a doctor comes out with a worried look on his face and says to the man, "Sir, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we were able to save your wife. The bad news is, she severed her spine and will need intensive care from here on out, and unless you have the money for a caretaker, you're going to be her lifeline. We have classes here that will teach you how to change her catheter and colostomy bags properly, and give you tips on spongebathing and general hygenic care like hair, nails, and such. You'll need to invest in some new furnature and transportation, a change in address may be needed to help accomodate. She can still have a suitable quality of life, but that pretty much depends on the care and support that you can give her." Devastated, the man buries his head in his hands and sobs openly. The doctor says, "NAH im fuckin with you she's dead."


----------



## SenorDingDong

Why did the hipster burn his tongue? 



Because he drank&#65279; coffee before it was cool.


----------



## teamfive

mr_rainmaker said:


> Then she said "Take off my skirt." I took off her skirt. "Take off my shoes." I took off her shoes. "Now take off my bra and panties." I took them off. Then she looked at me and said...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> "I don't ever want to catch you wearing my things ever again."



Lol.. I got trolled.. xD
It really made me laugh reading the last line.. haha..


----------



## BornToLooze

You might be to old to be in a band when the drugs are keeping you alive instead of killing you


----------



## Devyn Eclipse Nav

Rice is a great thing to eat when you want a thousand of something.


----------



## DaddleCecapitation

Two beekeepers meet in a shop and they start a conversation about their hives.

"How many bees do you have?", said the first beekeeper. The second beekeeper responded, "I have fifty-thousand bees." The first beekeeper then asked, "How many hives do you have?". "I have twenty hives", said the second beekeeper "fifty-thousand bees in twenty hives."

The first beekeeper seems unimpressed, so the second beekeeper asks, "How many bees do you have?" He says "I have a million bees." "A million bees?!" exclaimed the second beekeeper. "How many hives do you have?" The first beekeeper said "One." The second beekeeper was shocked. "A million bees in one hive!?!" The first beekeeper said "Yeah. Fuck 'em, they're bees!"


----------



## glassmoon0fo

A white man, black man, and native american are washed up an an island and captured by an undiscovered tribe of canibals. They tell the men, "you are going to be eaten, as you have trespassed on sacred land that no foreigner should ever see, but we will allow you to choose your death." They ask the black man, how do you want to die? The black man says, "I want to be hanged like my ancestors were when they resisted the restraints of racial opression." Content, he hands himself over. They hang the man as he requests, then devour his flesh and use his skin to make the outer shell of a canoe. Horrified, the other men look on in dispair. 

They then ask the Native American, how do you wish to die? He says, I want to be beaten and then scalped, as the enimies of my tribe were beaten and scalped centuries ago. In my culture, nothing is more humbling than embracing the pain of the brothers you have harmed." The canibals do as the native wishes, beating him relentlessly until he no longer moves, then scalps him, devours his flesh and uses his skin to make a canoe.

The last man looks on with steely reserve. When they ask him, how do you want to die? he responds with, "I'm from Texas, and I want to be stabbed like my heroes at the Alamo were stabbed. BUT, I want to do it myself, because I'll be damned if anyone is going to take away my freedoms but me." The canibals respect his wish, and hand him a knife. The man takes it, says a prayer to himself, and stabs himself repetedly all over his body. With is last dying breath, the man says, "Make yer fuckin' boat now, you bastards!"


----------



## FormerlyVintage

Zeno said:


> Rice is a great thing to eat when you want a thousand of something.




Mitch Hedberg is the shit.


----------



## Genome

I just received this text:

"thespacebuttonbrokeonmyphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative"

Does anybody know what "ternative" means?

Edit: Haha, looks like whatever swear filter there kind of ruins that joke...


----------



## MFB

You sure?

"thespacebuttononmyphoneisbrokecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative?"

Let's see!

Edit : god damn we can't say anal?

Edit 2: analternative

Edit 3: very interesting


----------



## makeitreign

It probably just won't let you type that long without spaces.


----------



## Brill

I love the fact that when I'm at the gym, I'm always the one with the largest penis. Then again, I am the only one with an erection.


----------



## Furtive Glance

This one's terrible, but whatever, haha:

A pregnant woman is at the hospital getting some scans done. The doctor tells her, "Ma'am, I have some good news and some bad news". She replies, "Oh, doc, please tell me the bad news first!" "Alright," he says, "Your baby's a ginger." She's stunned, "What?! How is that the bad news? What could possibly be the good news?!" "Ma'am, your baby's dead."

ba-dum-tshh. Again, terrible


----------



## glassmoon0fo

^That's fucked up


----------



## Nile

What is easier to pick up the heavier it gets? Women


----------



## Brill

My favorite sex position is the one where I sit at my computer and cry because no one loves me.


----------



## Jordan Djenital Warts

Loxodrome said:


> My favorite sex position is the one where I sit at my computer and cry because no one loves me.



Haha...that's deep dude.

I was talking to a girl the other day about sex.

Girl: After an orgasm I tend to cuddle until I fall asleep. What about you?
Me: I tend to delete the browsing history and throw away the tissues...


----------



## Jordan Djenital Warts

Furtive Glance said:


> This one's terrible, but whatever, haha:
> 
> A pregnant woman is at the hospital getting some scans done. The doctor tells her, "Ma'am, I have some good news and some bad news". She replies, "Oh, doc, please tell me the bad news first!" "Alright," he says, "Your baby's a ginger." She's stunned, "What?! How is that the bad news? What could possibly be the good news?!" "Ma'am, your baby's dead."
> 
> ba-dum-tshh. Again, terrible



I said to my son, "Where are you going?"

He said, "I'm off to meet a girl."

I said, "Don't forget to wear a... you know."

He said, "What?"

I said, "You know."

He said, "Do you mean a condom?"

I said, "No, a fucking hat you ginger cunt."


----------



## Brill

How do you make apple crumble? Release a picture of Steve Jobs fingering a child.


----------



## Bekanor

Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."

So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."

The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!

"The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'

The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!

"So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'

"The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.

"The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"

The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.


----------



## MrPepperoniNipples

Bekanor said:


> Man walks into a bar and pauses: at the other end of the bar, there's this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink. So the man asks the bartender, "Say, what's up with the guy with the big orange head?" And the bartender says, "It's an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he'll tell it to you."
> 
> So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round. The guy with the big orange head says, "Yeah, I'll bet you want to know the story, huh?" To which the man replies, "Sure, if you don't mind."
> 
> The man with the big orange head sighs and says, "You know, I've gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it's like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little -- when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!
> 
> "The genie thundered, 'You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.'
> 
> The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: "So I said, 'Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.'
> 
> "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills -- I mean, I was loaded!
> 
> "So I said, 'Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.'
> 
> "The genie says, 'Your wish is granted.' And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.
> 
> "The genie booms, 'You have one wish remaining.'"
> 
> The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, "Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.



took me a while to realize it wasn't a dirty joke and finally get it


----------



## Devyn Eclipse Nav

Django said:


> Mitch Hedberg is the shit.



Agreed man.

And I've seen that "orange head" one twice now, and I still don't get it


----------



## JP Universe

^ me either? Is it supposed to be so dumb that it's funny?


----------



## highlordmugfug

Zeno said:


> Agreed man.
> 
> And I've seen that "orange head" one twice now, and I still don't get it





JP Universe said:


> ^ me either? Is it supposed to be so dumb that it's funny?


It's an anti-joke, you big dummies. 

Like:
How do you confuse a blonde?

Paint yourself green and throw spoons at her.


----------



## Brill

How do you confuse a Gay person? 

Yellow.


----------



## tacotiklah

Loxodrome said:


> How do you confuse a Gay person?
> 
> Yellow.



I'm pretty certain transsexuals confuse them too.


----------



## JP Universe

highlordmugfug said:


> It's an anti-joke, you big dummies.
> 
> Like:
> How do you confuse a blonde?
> 
> Paint yourself green and throw spoons at her.



Oh one of those jokes....


----------



## Prydogga

TL;DR on this whole thread, so forgive me if this has come up already.

Why was 6 afraid of 7? 

6 hadn't been the same since 'Nam, sometimes looking into 7's eyes he could see the horrors of the war, and was reminded of his buddies perishing around him. 
Also, 7 had a hook for a hand, and that was pretty scary.


----------



## BlackMastodon

I thought the orange head one was a gear joke, as in the guy wished for an Orange cab head?  That way makes a bit more sense to me.


----------



## highlordmugfug

BlackMastodon said:


> I thought the orange head one was a gear joke, as in the guy wished for an Orange cab head?  That way makes a bit more sense to me.


The version I hear most often, has the guy with a literal orange for a head. And he wished that "My head was an orange," or "I had an orange for a head."

That makes it a little more apparent.


----------



## BlackMastodon

^Ah alright, yeah I guess it is indeed one of those anti-jokes then. I tried guys, really I did.


----------



## Genome

I love anti-jokes.

Anyway this one is impossible to do via a forum, so do it to your friends - 

You: I have a great knock-knock joke, you have to start it though.

Friend: Ok. Knock knock?

You: Who's there?

Friend: Uh... 

[Friend's face crumbles in misery and despair]


----------



## makeitreign

Or,

You: "I have a great knock knock joke, but you have to start it."

Them: "Ok. Knock knock."

You: "Come in."


----------



## glassmoon0fo

I went to Ireland for a college band trip, and we went to a local pub where I saw this guy sitting at the end of the bar, looking all dejected just like in the movies. So, I went and bought him a drink and asked him what's troubling him. He gladly knocked back the beer, and with a slow, low voice said, "You see those houses across the way, on top 'eh that hill? I built those houses wit mah' bare hands, yet do they call me McGregor the house-builder? Nay, they've since forgotten." I bought him another drink, hoping he would continue his story. He knocked the drink back, and said, "...and do ye' see the brick road leading up to this very pub? I built the path to help with the patronage because this pub means the world to me, yet do they call me McGregor the brick-layer? Nay, they don't care." Saddened, I bought him a big glass and toasted silently to him. He drank the beer in long and deep, slammed the glass down on the bar top and said, "BUT YOU FUCK JUST ONE GOAT..."


----------



## JosephAOI

Alright, I'm gonna need some interaction from someone for this one:






Ask me if I'm a tree.


----------



## flint757

Are you a tree?


----------



## JosephAOI

No! 



/anti-joke


----------



## flexkill

DELETED by poster


----------



## flexkill

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home.You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed
the sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it.


----------



## JosephAOI

Alright, got a real joke this time!:

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were
riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through
a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.

They searched them and took the guys wallet,
his watch and the motorbike but couldnt find
any jewelry from the girl.When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter;
Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?

No Papa, replied the girl with a grin,
I managed to hide it when they were searching you.

Hide it? where? asked the guy, I saw them search you too.

I slipped it into my a my . . .um. pee pee place. said the girl shyly.

Damn! swore the guy,
If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!!


----------



## tuneinrecords

So here's a good line when you're at the gym and there's a hot girl working out. You need to break the ice... You walk up to her -

You - "So you like fitness?" 

Girl - "Yeah I love fitness!"


You - "How 'bout fitness dick in your mouth?"



ALSO - the only other joke I could ever remember -



How do you get a nun pregnant?











Fuck her.


----------



## flexkill

So i was doing this girl up the butt in a clown suit last night and she said, "a clown suit? isn't that a bit austentatious?" And I said, "austentatious, isn't that a big word for an 8 year old?"


----------



## Brill

(´&#65381;&#969;&#65381;`) 

Get it?


----------



## Cynic

Loxodrome said:


> (´&#65381;&#969;&#65381;`)
> 
> Get it?



Do you like anal?


----------



## Brill

Fat girls are like farts. Yeah, sure, I do them. But if someone asks me if I did, I always deny it.


----------



## TaylorMacPhail

A seal walks into a club.


----------



## grunge782

tuneinrecords said:


> So here's a good line when you're at the gym and there's a hot girl working out. You need to break the ice... You walk up to her -
> 
> *You - "So you like fitness?"
> 
> Girl - "Yeah I love fitness!"* *
> 
> 
> You - "How 'bout fitness dick in your mouth?"*



And that's how I met my wife...


----------



## mcleanab

So...

Three rats are hanging out and want to know who is the toughest of them all...

First one says, "You want to know how tough I am? Watch this..." He walks over to the mouse trap, kicks the cheese away and catches the bar as it swings down on him and begins doing bench presses with it. 

The second one says, "That's pretty good... but watch this..." He scoops up a bunch of rat poison, dumps it in his coffee, and sucks it down. Just hangs out and smiles at the other two.

The third rat starts to walk away. The other two call out after him, "Where are you going?" Third rat says, "I'm off to fuck the cat."


----------



## StevenC

glassmoon0fo said:


> I went to Ireland for a college band trip, and we went to a local pub where I saw this guy sitting at the end of the bar, looking all dejected just like in the movies. So, I went and bought him a drink and asked him what's troubling him. He gladly knocked back the beer, and with a slow, low voice said, "You see those houses across the way, on top 'eh that hill? I built those houses wit mah' bare hands, yet do they call me McGregor the house-builder? Nay, they've since forgotten." I bought him another drink, hoping he would continue his story. He knocked the drink back, and said, "...and do ye' see the brick road leading up to this very pub? I built the path to help with the patronage because this pub means the world to me, yet do they call me McGregor the brick-layer? Nay, they don't care." Saddened, I bought him a big glass and toasted silently to him. He drank the beer in long and deep, slammed the glass down on the bar top and said, "BUT YOU FUCK JUST ONE GOAT..."



Sounds about right.

Did you here the one about the drummer who locked his keys in his car?

He had to smash the window to get the bassist out.


----------



## PettyThief

What do you call a piano being thrown down a mine shaft?






A flat minor.

HARHARHAR


----------



## Brill

I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.


----------



## PettyThief

What is green and has wheels?








Grass, I lied about the wheels.


----------



## tuneinrecords

PettyThief said:


> What do you call a piano being thrown down a mine shaft?
> 
> A flat minor.
> 
> HARHARHAR


Haha!
Maybe it should read What do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft.


----------



## Brill

Women always say men judge a girl based on looks. That's actually true. Since all women are fucking crazy you might as well go for the hot ones.

(I just make all these jokes that are horrible.... I don't actually believe them, I Am not sexiest, and believe women should have rights ect ect ect... Not a horrible person... well I am)


----------



## nostealbucket

Did you ever hear about the sexstone?





ITS A FUCKING ROCK!!


----------



## Brill

The last time I was involved in sexual intercourse I was a sperm.


----------



## flexkill

A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house. She knocked on the door, then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for John to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"John loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"


----------



## flexkill

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you say in front of others, what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it!



An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded Doctor's Waiting Room. As he approached the desk, the Receptionist said,
"Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded Doctor's Room and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The Receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."
The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.
The Waiting Room erupted in laughter.


----------



## BucketheadRules

I like my women the way I like my pizzas.

Stone cold and delivered to my house in a box, late at night.


----------



## Sam MJ

What's red, silver, pink and slowly disappears?

A baby with a cheese grater



Roses are blue
Violets are red
One day we'll all be dead.

/hopeless romantic


----------



## makeitreign

I was hanging out with my girlfriend the other day, and we started getting a little intimate. She told me that she wanted to role play this time, and I was happy to oblige, but she wanted to be 14 years old, and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I was like, "You'll be 14 in a couple years anyway, what's the rush?"


----------



## Jakke

Ok.

A rabbi and a catholic priest were close friends. They had this tradition that they got together once a month to talk about things of this world. The day came one month, and the rabbi came past the church to pick his friend up, only to find him still dressed for service. When the rabbi came up to him the priest explained:
-I have been called away to another parish, I am afraid we will have to pospone our get-together. I have a problem though, I am not done here yet either and people are coming in for confessions. Would you, as my friend, help me by handling confessions here? It is not very hard, and I can stay here to show you how to do it.
The rabbi answered that even if it went against his convictions he valued his friendship with the priest. So he agreed, and they both went into the confessional both.

In came a man, he said:
-Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have been unfaithful to my wife on two occasions with a woman.
The priest answered:
-Pray the lord's prayer ten times, then go forth and sin no more.

Afterwards he asked the rabbi if he had gotten the general idea. The rabbi said that while it seemed simple enough, he would prefer to observe once again, just to be on the safe side. They once more went into the both and in came a woman.
-Forgive me Father for I have sinned, she confessed. I have been unfaithful to my husband. I was unfaithful with a man, and then to make it worse I was unfaithful with another man as well.
-My child, the priest said. Pray the lord's prayer ten times, then go forth and sin no more.

After this confession the priest had to run, leaving the rabbi to take care of confessions. He went into the both and pretty soon a young woman came in.
-Forgive me Father for I have sinned, she began. I have been unfaithful to my husband with another man, it happened once and I am consumed by guilt.
-My child, the rabbi said, go forth and sin again. We're doing two for one this week.


----------



## Jakke

How many atheists does it take to change a lightbulb?



Spoiler



Three. One who does it, and two who documents it so the believers can't claim god did it


----------



## glassmoon0fo

What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and tell him you're sorry *ba-dum tsss*


----------



## mcleanab

"A naked blond walks into a bar with a poodle under one arm and a two foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, 'I suppose you won't be needing a drink.' The naked lady says..."


----------



## Gothic Headhunter

Jakke said:


> Ok.
> 
> A rabbi and a catholic priest were close friends. They had this tradition that they got together once a month to talk about things of this world. The day came one month, and the rabbi came past the church to pick his friend up, only to find him still dressed for service. When the rabbi came up to him the priest explained:
> -I have been called away to another parish, I am afraid we will have to pospone our get-together. I have a problem though, I am not done here yet either and people are coming in for confessions. Would you, as my friend, help me by handling confessions here? It is not very hard, and I can stay here to show you how to do it.
> The rabbi answered that even if it went against his convictions he valued his friendship with the priest. So he agreed, and they both went into the confessional both.
> 
> In came a man, he said:
> -Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I have been unfaithful to my wife on two occasions with a woman.
> The priest answered:
> -Pray the lord's prayer ten times, then go forth and sin no more.
> 
> Afterwards he asked the rabbi if he had gotten the general idea. The rabbi said that while it seemed simple enough, he would prefer to observe once again, just to be on the safe side. They once more went into the both and in came a woman.
> -Forgive me Father for I have sinned, she confessed. I have been unfaithful to my husband. I was unfaithful with a man, and then to make it worse I was unfaithful with another man as well.
> -My child, the priest said. Pray the lord's prayer ten times, then go forth and sin no more.
> 
> After this confession the priest had to run, leaving the rabbi to take care of confessions. He went into the both and pretty soon a young woman came in.
> -Forgive me Father for I have sinned, she began. I have been unfaithful to my husband with another man, it happened once and I am consumed by guilt.
> -My child, the rabbi said, go forth and sin again. We're doing two for one this week.


I've heard an alternate version where a woman goes into the confessional and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I gave a man a blowjob."
The Rabbi, not knowing what to do, says "I'll be back in a minute." and asks the altar boy what the preist usually gives for a blowjob. 
"About $50"


----------



## Jakke

A darker twist, I approve


----------



## BornToLooze

Not really a joke, but I was looking at guitars and BC Rich has a guitar called a Jinx Bitch which is honestly the stupidest name for a guitar I've ever heard


----------



## Murmel

How do you know your sister is on her period?





Your father's cock tastes like blood.


----------



## Brill

You know you have no life when your internet goes out more than you do.


----------



## Brill

Apparently the Catholic Church has announced that condoms may now be used in certain circumstances. For example, when a choir boy has diarrhea.


----------



## Bekanor

It's funny because who would wish for something that stupid?


----------



## tacotiklah

I found a real facepalmer here, but I actually laughed at it because I'm a re-re. 



> Dear friends,
> It is with the saddest heart that I pass on the following. Please join
> me in remembering a great icon.
> 
> The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and
> complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
> 
> Doughboy was buried in a lightly-greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities
> turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
> Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and
> Cap'n Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours as long- time
> friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man
> who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
> business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
> considered a very "smart" cookie, wasting much of his dough on
> half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he -- even
> still, as a crusty old man -- was considered a roll model for millions.
> Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he was no
> tart.
> 
> Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough
> and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by
> his elderly father, Pop Tart.
> 
> The funeral was held at 3:50 for about twenty minutes.


----------



## Genome

Guy Pearce in Memento.

Guy who?

Guy.

Who's there?

Knock Knock.


----------



## SenorDingDong

Little Johnny's teacher says, "Class, today we are going to learn multi-syllable words. Does anybody have an example of a 
multi-syllable word?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, "Me, Miss Finch!" 

Miss Finch turns towards the eager young lad, "All right, Little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable 
word?" 

Little Johnny says, "Mas-tur-bate". 

Miss Finch smiles and says, "Well, little Johnny, that sure is a mouthful!". 

Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Finch, you're thinking of a blowjob".





Little Lucy was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. 

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, Lucy, who created the universe?" When Lucy didn't stir, Little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. 

"God Almighty! " shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep. 

A while later the teacher asked Lucy, "Who is our Lord and Savior?" But, Lucy didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 

"Jesus Christ!" shouted Lucy and the teacher said, "Very good," and Lucy fell back asleep. 

Then the teacher asked Lucy a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child? And again, Johnny Jabbed her with the pin. This time Lucy jumped up and shouted, 

"If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"






Little Johnny sees his mother walk out of the shower and sees her vagina.

He asks her what it is and she embarassed replies, "Oh, that's mommy's black sponge."

A few days later, Johnny spills a glass of milk on the floor and says, "Mommy, I need your black sponge to mop up the milk!"

She replies, "I lost it, honey."

A couple of days later, he comes running up to her and says, "Mommy, I found your black sponge!" Mystified, she says, "Where, honey?"

Little Johnny says, "It's over at Mrs. Johnson's house, and Daddy's washing his face in it!"


----------



## Brill

I was watching a porn video last night and accidentally shared it with Facebook. My girlfriend still can't see how I managed to accidentally transfer it to the laptop from my video camera, accidentally click the 'add video' button on Facebook and accidentally tag her in it, but these things happen.


----------



## flexkill

Not really a joke but funny as hell.

Was with a friend of mine the other day and he said he needed to stop by his daughters place real quick (she had just moved out first apartment). So we get there and there is this god awful smell in the place. I was like WTF dude. So she's like, I was trying to make this Lasagna but it didn't turn out right. So we walked in the kitchen and there is this smoldering brick of some shit supposed to be lasagna! I'm like, it's a frozen freaking dinner lol how'd you do this...she proceeds to tell me... IDK, I followed the directions," I put it in microwave for 15 minutes, then the oven for 45" ! LMAO....I was like ummm no. You put it either in the microwave for 15 minutes or the oven for 45! Not both!!!! 

This really fucking happened ...I was speechless!


----------



## Neil

Roses are brown

Violets&#65279; are brown

Who the hell took

a shit in my garden?


----------



## Pooluke41

Roses are Black

Violets are black

I'm blind


----------



## Brill

I have this idea for a new tuning "BAGDAD" I think it will be the bomb.


----------



## tacotiklah

I have a pretty dark anti-joke for you guys. Granted it's a dead baby one, but I feel it's worth sharing. *flameshield on*

Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road?
A: Because it's mother miscarried it in the toilet, so the father had to carry it across the road to the dumpster in a black trash bag. This tragedy placed a great deal on the relationship between the mother and the father and they soon broke up. The father went into a downward spiral consisting of booze and blow. The mother became neurotic, and started a weird trend of taking in every stray cat she could find. She lives alone and her house now smells of poop and cat litter.


----------



## glassmoon0fo

A guy walks up to the front door of his own house with a sheep under his arm. He knocks, and when his wife answers he says "This is the pig I was telling you about." His wife, confused, says, "Honey, that's not a pig, that's a sheep." and he says "I WASNT TALKIN TO YOU BITCH."


----------



## Amonihil

A man takes a walk in the park when sees a crying boy.
As the boy was by himself the man approached him and asked "What´s wrong?"
The boy replied "My family is dead."
-"What happened to them?", asked the man.
-"When my mom found out that my sister has been selling drugs for over a year she killed herself in shame."
-"Don´t you have a father to take care of you?" asked the man.
The boy replied "No, he took off saying this family is crazy."
-"Any grandparents?"
-"No, I´m all alone and I don´t now what to do."
The boy continued crying while the man placed his hand on the boys shoulder, unzipped his pants and said "Well kid, this ain´t your day."


----------



## SenorDingDong

Why is there a women's study and not a men's study class?



Because men's study is called HISTORY.


----------



## Sam MJ

Knock Knock


















































John Cage.


----------



## Pooluke41

I used to be into necrophilia, but then a rotten cunt split on me.


----------



## Brill

I hate it when perants ask me who their baby looks like. Its 2 days old, it looksa like a fucking potato.


----------



## myrtorp

This one is kinda lame, I made it up myself.


Which monkey is the hardest one to catch?

The Esc-Ape!


----------



## MrPepperoniNipples

myrtorp said:


> This one is kinda lame, I made it up myself.
> 
> 
> Which monkey is the hardest one to catch?
> 
> The Esc-Ape!



/thread


----------



## BucketheadRules

I walked in on a Muslim friend of mine having sex with a young sheep the other day.

When I took issue with it, he simply replied that it was Islam and he could do what he fucking well wanted with it.


----------



## tacotiklah

Just heard this one and while corny, I actually laughed:

Q: How does the butcher introduce his wife to people?


A: "Meet Patty."


----------



## devolutionary

BucketheadRules said:


> I walked in on a Muslim friend of mine having sex with a young sheep the other day.
> 
> When I took issue with it, he simply replied that it was Islam and he could do what he fucking well wanted with it.



That is fucking awful! *high fives*


----------



## devolutionary

I like crazy bitches. Crazy bitches make the world go round... mostly from the momentum of everyone fleeing their general direction.


----------



## Brill

I want a women who makes my dick hard, not my life.


----------



## Bungle

I've started working out to improve my chances with the ladies. So far, so good! That last girl I raped didn't stand a chance.


----------



## Captain Shoggoth

Sir Roger, I never knew...


----------



## tacotiklah

devolutionary said:


> I like crazy bitches. Crazy bitches make the world go round... mostly from the momentum of everyone fleeing their general direction.



As a crazy bitch, I can attest to this.


----------



## Fiction

Did you know the average antelope can jump higher then a house?

This is because antelopes have extremely strong back legs and because a house can't jump.


----------



## MFB

I understand that he can jump higher and then a house does a disappointing follow-up jump, but he can he also jump higher THAN a house?


----------



## Neil

MFB said:


> I understand that he can jump higher and then a house does a disappointing follow-up jump, *but he can he *also jump higher THAN a house?


If you are going to be a smart arse at least check your own posts 

*edit* V I don't believe you


----------



## MFB

...


----------



## glassmoon0fo

The last page has been weaker than FDR's legs. Time for some racial tension (don't remember if I did these or not)

*disclaimer* I'm black, so don't crucify me 


How do we know Adam and Eve weren't black?
You ever seen a black man share a rib?

How do we know the Apostles were Mexicans?
They all came of one Accord (Honda, get it?)

Why do Jews have big noses?
'cause air is free.

What's long and hard on a black guy?
Highschool.

What's wrong with this picture?: 5 Mexicans going over a cliff in a Crown Vic.
You know how many mexicans you can fit in a Crown Vic?

Why wouldn't a Jersey Girl make a good cowgirl?
She cant even keep her own calves together.

Why does Chris Brown cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

What's a word that starts with "N", ends with "R" and you never want to call a black guy? 
Neighbor.

What do you call a black guy that flys a plane?
A pilot, you racist som'bitch.


----------



## Fiction

MFB said:


> I understand that he can jump higher and then a house does a disappointing follow-up jump, but he can he also jump higher THAN a house?



I no speaks de englash


----------



## Genome

What do we want!? 

"More research into a cure for ADHD!"

When do we want it!? 

"Let's play swingball!"


----------



## glassmoon0fo

^dislexics of the world untie!


----------



## flexkill

The scientists at Aberdeen University have discovered that there is a food stuff in common Worldwide circulation that, when consumed, reduces a womans sex drive by 70%-80%. This food stuff is called wedding cake!


----------



## glassmoon0fo

Funny but sadly troo.


----------



## Devyn Eclipse Nav

How many Saiyans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
















Just one, but it'll take about 15 episodes, 3 power-up sequences, 2 near-death moments, and a crap load of grunting like he's constipated.


----------



## Saidincontext

How do you stop a drummer's plane?


You put a piece of sheet music in front of it.


What do you call a drummer that Breaks up with his girlfriend? 


Homeless.


What do you call a drummer on your front porch?

The pizza delivery guy


----------



## Fiction

How do you check if a surface is level?

Sit a drummer in the middle and see if he drools equally out of both sides of his mouth.


----------



## flexkill

How do you know a Drummer is knocking on your door?

The knock slowly keeps speeding up!


----------



## AliceLG

What's the difference between a light and a hard?

Well, one can sleep with a light on


----------



## AxeHappy

Saidincontext said:


> What do you call a drummer on your front porch?
> 
> The pizza delivery guy



Bullshit. Like a drummer can afford a car.


----------



## Asrial

AxeHappy said:


> Bullshit. Like a drummer can afford a car.



Bullshit. Like a drummer can pass the driving test!


----------



## Deadnightshade

AxeHappy said:


> Bullshit. Like a drummer can afford a car.



In Greece,delivery boys use motorcycles.I've yet to meet a drummer one.


----------



## IbanezDaemon

Q: Why did the Irishman keep an empty milk bottle in his fridge??

A: In case someone wanted a black coffee.


----------



## Genome

I&#8217;m good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet &#8230; I don&#8217;t know why.


----------



## flint757




----------



## flexkill

Darwin Award Winner:

The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine, and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

This is a true story BTW.


----------



## Devyn Eclipse Nav

That be a Darwin award winner if he stuck his penis in it. Otherwise, this is just an idiot.


----------



## flexkill

One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"


----------



## mcleanab

Q: What's the difference between pink and purple.
A: Your grip.

Q: How does a woman know her boyfriend has a high sperm count?
A:  She chews before she swallows.

(Is that second one too much?)


----------



## flexkill

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"

The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella instead of the rifle. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang"..... AND THE BEAVER FELL DEAD!!! What do you think of that?"

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."

The doctor said, "My point exactly."


----------



## ShadowFactoryX

guy walks into his house holding a duck
his wife meets him in the kitchen as he says: "this is the pig ive been screwing"
wife says: "ha! you're stupid, thats not a pig thats a duck!
guy replys: "clearly i was talking to the duck"


----------



## flexkill

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved.
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to
salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years.


----------



## SuperMutant

I'm sure some of you have heard this before.

Which way do five gay guys walk? In one direction...


----------



## SuperMutant

glassmoon0fo said:


> The last page has been weaker than FDR's legs. Time for some racial tension (don't remember if I did these or not)
> 
> *disclaimer* I'm black, so don't crucify me
> 
> 
> How do we know Adam and Eve weren't black?
> You ever seen a black man share a rib?
> 
> How do we know the Apostles were Mexicans?
> They all came of one Accord (Honda, get it?)
> 
> Why do Jews have big noses?
> 'cause air is free.
> 
> What's long and hard on a black guy?
> Highschool.
> 
> What's wrong with this picture?: 5 Mexicans going over a cliff in a Crown Vic.
> You know how many mexicans you can fit in a Crown Vic?
> 
> Why wouldn't a Jersey Girl make a good cowgirl?
> She cant even keep her own calves together.
> 
> Why does Chris Brown cry during sex?
> Mace will do that to you.
> 
> What's a word that starts with "N", ends with "R" and you never want to call a black guy?
> Neighbor.
> 
> What do you call a black guy that flys a plane?
> A pilot, you racist som'bitch.


Whats long, black and smells like shit? The welfare line...


----------



## Wrecklyss

My mom took me to the grocery store with her when i was just a kid. I hated going to the store because it was boring, but like a kid can do, i found my own entertainment. She finally ended up cutting the shopping trip short because i must have really been a handful. We're waiting in line with what she was able to get before she decided to take me ack to the house, and there's this lady in front of us in the line. Not really knowing better, i get down on my back on the floor, and slide over to her and say "haha, i can see up your dress! You're not wearing panties!"

My mom is really embarrassed, picks me up off the floor, and right when i think i'm about to find the thin line between discipline and child abuse, the lady in front of us in line stops my mother. "Oh, he's just curious, let me tell him what he saw." By this point, my mom is too embarrassed to even react, so the lady looks at me and says "I call that my bull nose." Being a kid, i did what kids do and blurt things out without really thinking about it...

" Well that bull must be a mean sonofabitch, 'cause there's blood in one eye and shit in the other!"

That was the last time my mom ever took me shopping.


----------



## flexkill

SuperMutant said:


> Whats long, black and smells like shit? The welfare line...




Why don't sharks eat black people?


































They keep mistaking them for whale shit!


----------



## morrowcosom

What is the difference between a freezer and a faggot? 

























A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out.


----------



## TheDuatAwaits

A boy askes his mom "Where do babies come from?"

The mom says: "The stork brings them honey."

The boy then says: "Oh yeah? Who fucks the stork?!"


----------



## Brill

You only live once. except if youre born in africa, then you only live half.


----------



## Genome

Loxodrome said:


> You only live once. except if youre born in africa, then you only live half.


----------



## Brill

I would never cheat in a relationship. That would require 2 people to find me attractive.


----------



## morrowcosom

How do you keep a baby from falling down a manhole? 



























Throw a javelin halfway through its head.


----------



## flexkill

$200 Bucks It Is...
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers. 

" Hi, is Tony home?" 
" No, he went to the store." 

"Well, you mind if I wait?" 

" No, come in." 

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." 

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. 

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." 

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. 

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. " 

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"


----------



## Ill-Gotten James

My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting out "get this out of me? Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did This to me you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, "it'll be too painful."

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today for my annual Checkup. She told me that I had to quit masturbating. I asked why and She told me, "because I am trying to examine you."


----------



## Ill-Gotten James

Oh yeah, here's one more good one.

After an excitingly hot 69 position with his girlfriend, Jerry remembered he had a dentist appointment. He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times, used dental floss 8 times & on top of that gargled 1 liter of Listerine.
> As he arrived at the dentist he sucked 2 strong mints. His turn came up & the dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed, Jerry opened his mouth wide. 
> The dentist got close enough & said, "Man, did you have 69 before you came here"? 
> "Why"? Jerry asked, "Does my breath smell like pussy"?
> "No" The dentist replied, "Your forehead smells like shit."


----------



## Devyn Eclipse Nav

2 whales walk into a bar. One says "Eeeeeeeeeurrrrrrrrrgaaaaaayooooooo" (generic whale speak)

The other says "Dammt, Larry, you're drunk!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" The grasshopper says "Really, you have a drink named Ralph?"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A guy walks into a bar and says "Son a a bitch! I think I broke my nose"!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The problem with having a distinctive laugh - everybody knows when you didn't find a joke funny.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you get two piccolo players to play in unison? Shoot one.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

How do you get your singer to quit thinking he's the band leader? Kick him out.


----------



## glassmoon0fo

A guy gets seriously drunk at a bar and pukes all over his shirt. He says to the bartender, "Aww shiyit, maaah wifsh gonna kill me when shee finz out I got this drunk aghin. An' she got me 'is shirt for mah birthay too, ahm fucked!" The bartender says, "Hey man, no problem Ive seen this a million times. Take a $10 bill and put it in your pocket, then tell her that some other guy puked on your shirt and gave you money to get it dry cleaned." The man says, "As' a pre'y good idea, I think Ill try that!"

So he goes home, and as soon as he walks through the door his wife says, "You asshole you got drunk! And you threw up on the shirt I got you, you prick!" to which the man says, "Naw honey, this other guy puked on my shirt 'n gave me 'is ten bucks to get it cleaned. He 's a really nice guy." His wife says, "...this is a twenty dollar bill though" to which the guy says, "Ooooh yeah, he also shit in my pants."


----------



## requiemsoup

Why is a math book always so sad? 




Because it has too many problems 

LOLOLKAJSDFLOLOLOLOL.


----------



## Brill

Turns out the button in the elevator with the fireman hat on it, isnt the button you press when you want a firemans hat....


----------



## Ocara-Jacob

A duck walked into a hardware store. He walked up to the nearest checkout and asked the employee, "Do you have any duck feed?"

The employee responded, "No, this is a hardware store. We don't have any duck feed."
The duck then left the store.

The next day, the duck returned to the hardware store, found the same employee, and asked, once again, "Do you have any duck feed?"

The employee then said "No, this is a hardware store. Like I told you yesterday, we don't have any duck feed." 
The duck then left the hardware store. 

The next day, the duck went to the hardware store again, and asked the same employee, "Do you have any duck feed?"

The employee, outraged at this point, yelled at the duck, saying "NO! we DON'T have any DUCK FEED! This is a HARDWARE store! If you come back in here again I'm going to nail your feet to the floor!" 
The duck then casually left the hardware store.

The next day, the duck walked into the hardware store, and asked the same employee, "Do you have any nails?" 

The employee said "No, we just ran out, sorry." 

The duck then said...

"Do you have any duck feed?"


----------



## BornToLooze

How older guys pick up chick

I met a girl in the park the other evening. 
There was an instant spark between us. 
She did this cute little dance, then immediately 
dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet

As we lay making love, I thought, "Man, these Taser guns are well worth the money!"


----------



## Brill

I was pretty drunk last night, i cooked a pizza for 300 minutes at 18 degrees.


----------



## flint757

Haha so you put it in the fridge then


----------



## requiemsoup

A dude walks into a bar, he spots a super hot chick. 

He approaches her and says: "I can guarantee you, that you're gonna get laid tonight" 

To which the lady responds: "Oh yeah? What makes you so sure?" 

He looks at her in the eyes and says "Because I'm stronger than you"


----------



## Static

flexkill said:


> $200 Bucks It Is...
> A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.
> 
> " Hi, is Tony home?"
> " No, he went to the store."
> 
> "Well, you mind if I wait?"
> 
> " No, come in."
> 
> They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."
> 
> Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.
> 
> They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
> 
> Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.
> 
> A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over. "
> 
> Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"


----------



## IbanezDaemon

Top Tips as submitted by the readers of Viz Comic:

Don't buy expensive ribbed condoms, simply buy an ordinary one and slip some frozen peas in before putting it on.


Perform skin grafts on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.


Don't waste money on expensive binoculars, simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.


Avoid jet lag by by taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.


Keep unwanted monkeys out of your kitchen by storing bananas in your bedroom.


Ladies: an empty alumimium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.


Olympic Athletes: Disguise the fact that you have taken banned steroids by running a bit slower.


Sweetcorn fans: Save money on toilet paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.


Pretend you're a Giant Panda by giving yourself 2 black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your girlfriend.


Save money on doorbell batteries by removing them and opening your front door every 5 minutes to see if anyone
is there.


Tired of losing your house keys?? Use your couch as a keyring making it harder to lose them. If you get tired
lumping your new keyring around you can always sit on it and have a rest.



Save money each morning by running behind the bus to work. Save even more money by running behind a taxi.



Bomb Disposal Experts Wives: Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.


Deter Goldfish from having sex by chucking a bucket of air over them when you catch them in the act.


Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books, simply cross out the names of people you
don't know.


Smell gas?? Light a match in every room of the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the leak.


No time for a bath?? Wrapping yourself quickly in masking tape and pulling it off will remove the dirt.


Try Rodeo Sex: Have sex with your partner in the doggy postion, then call out someone else's name and see how long you can stay mounted for.


Car got no Airbag?? Fear not. Attach an old footpump to an inflatable paddling pool and place next your accelarator pedal.
Pumping rapidly just before an impending collision will inflate the paddling pool and cushion your blow.


----------



## BornToLooze

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train rolled out of the station. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:

"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. With the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough and leaned over and said into the phone, "Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.


----------



## IbanezDaemon

The manageress of a sperm bank is just about to lock up and set the alarm when a man comes through the door wearing a balaclava and ponting a gun at her.

'You've got it all wrong' she exclaims, 'This is a Sperm Bank, we don't keep any cash here.

The man informs her he doesn't want cash but instructs her to open the fridge, take out one of the sperm samples and drink it.

'But it's Sperm' the woman says.

Guy keeps the gun pointed at her and insists that she do it.

She agrees, takes out a sperm sample and downs it in one.

Guy pulls off the balaclava....it's her own husband and he says 'See it's not that fucking difficult is it!!!!


----------



## tacotiklah

About time someone revived this great thread. Oh and it's corny joke time!!! 


I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

The roundest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U. C. L. A.

The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it. (I laughed too hard at this one)

A bicycle cant stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and Ill show you A-flat miner.

When you've seen one shopping center youve seen a mall.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , and resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.


----------



## Brill

I thought i was watching a niki minaj concert this morning. But it turned out to just be a.homeless guy screaming at birds.


----------



## MrPepperoniNipples

Loxodrome said:


> I thought i was watching a niki minaj concert this morning. But it turned out to just be a.homeless guy screaming at birds.



I would have recognized the lack of cleavage pretty quickly


----------



## Fiction

and dat ass


----------



## tacotiklah

Asrial said:


> Bullshit. Like a drummer can pass the driving test!


Bullshit. Like a drummer can even spell car.


----------



## Tommy

Preferably told in person and dragged out longer.

So... there was this Cheerio that was working at the Fruit Loop factory. He worked for his boss that was a frosted Cheerio. He decided one day that he was sick and tired of working for this frosted Cheerio and he was gonna work his way to the top. So he worked harder than all the other Cheerio, slaving away for weeks. Day after, after day he continued. Then finally after all those extra hours of work he was promoted to being a frosted Cheerio. Alas, once he became a frosted Cheerio he found out he had to work for a honey nut Cheerio. He did the same thing as last time and he was gonna become a honey nut Cheerio. This time it was harder, late nights, loss of a good relationship with a cute piece of Shredded Wheat, he didn't care. After months of working as hard as he could he made it. They promoted him to being a honey nut Cheerio. He thought he had made it this time. No, that's when he found out he had to work directly under a Fruit Loop. He wanted to be his own boss and he took charge. He worked like he never worked before, no sick days, no vacations, sometimes even sleeping in his office. He did everything for this Fruit Loop, got him coffee, milk, those slutty Fruity Pebble hookers, doing things he never would have done. He was completely spent, emotionally, physically, and mentally. He was at his wits end then finally his Fruit Loop boss invited him to a party. He believed this may be it. He was so excited as they both arrived at the party. The Fruit Loop told the honey nut Cheerio to get him a drink. Get him some milk, if there's no milk then get lemonade, if no lemonade get fruit punch. So the honey nut Cheerio got into the line for milk. He was stuck there for about 10 minutes waiting. Then finally he was second in line and they ran out of milk. He was a little upset about this but then he got into the lemonade line. The line was so long. He was stuck there for a good hour. Then he was about to get some lemonade and they ran out. He was pissed now. Then he (and you) realized there is no punch line...

I love this joke so much. Love telling it at parties. Thank you for wasting part of your life. 

Even though I probably wasted more of mine typing this out.


----------



## BlackMastodon

Not as bad as the 25 minutes I spent (I refuse to think it was wasted) reading the Snake in the Desert Story earlier in this thread.  Still a good joke, though.


----------



## Tommy

BlackMastodon said:


> Not as bad as the 25 minutes I spent (I refuse to think it was wasted) reading the Snake in the Desert Story earlier in this thread.  Still a good joke, though.



I usually take about 25 to 30 minutes with that joke in real life. Drag it out and add more "fluff" to it. When I get to the "punchline" it bewilders people then the get it. Then they don't want anything to do with me for a while.


----------



## Devyn Eclipse Nav

BlackMastodon said:


> Not as bad as the 25 minutes I spent (I refuse to think it was wasted) reading the Snake in the Desert Story earlier in this thread.  Still a good joke, though.



I freaking love the Snake in a Desert joke, because it's a great story, with a absolutely terrible punch line.


----------



## tacotiklah

I thought of this one last night. It's terrible, but that's the point. Probably a good joke to tell when up on stage when technical difficulties are being sorted out:

Hey did you guys hear about the little boy that caught his mother having sex with an oak tree? Yeah I guess that tree is one shady motherfucker.


----------



## Brill

Bump, the humor.must live!

Who visits africian children while they sleep on christmas?
Death.

If the world did end, the justin beiber and all those other shitty musicians would die... I think 6 billion people dying for that is a small price.

I can usually judge the attractiveness of a women by how many times my girlfriens calls her a whore.

Being single and unemployed is a lot.like being married. You dont have any money, and you dont get sex.


----------



## facepalm66

What did a little cute girl with no arms and no legs get for christmas?
Cancer...


----------



## BornToLooze

How was Brokeback Mountain like the NFL? The cowboys suck.


----------



## glassmoon0fo

Whats black, blue, and doesn't like sex?
The korean boy in my closet.

What's green and smells like pork?
Kermit's fingers.

Why is Stevie Wonder always smiling and singing?
He doesn't know he's black.


----------



## Rustee

Man is hungry. He steal bread to feed family. Get home, find all family have sent Siberia! &#8220;More bread for me,&#8221; man think. But bread have worm.


----------



## JosephAOI

Two gay guys are having sex in the shower. Right when the one receiving is about to finish, the one pitching stops and says, "Hold on a second, don't finish till I get back", and gets out. When he comes back, there is jizz EVERYWHERE. Like on the fucking ceiling and shit. Just everywhere. The one who was pitching yells, "I told you not to finish until I got back!!!" so the one who was receiving yells back, "I didn't, I farted!!"


----------



## glassmoon0fo

So, completely atypical of this thread, a friend of mine worked at a daycare on a military base in germany, and she taught this german kid how to tell jokes (he was 4 and spoke pretty good english apparently). So, he comes up to my friend and says 

"Knock Knock!"

She says "Who's there?"

and he cracks the fuck up and runs away. I still lol'd


----------



## tacotiklah

Hell I might as well since we've covered everything else that could be offensive:


An old man is just back from Thailand with his new Thai bride. 

Lying in bed, his new bride is playing with his manhood slowly stroking it up and down. The old man says, "You must love that, you haven't left it alone since we got back." 

The bride sighed wistfully and replied, "Not really...I just really miss mine."


----------



## AngstRiddenDreams

That reminds me of the hangover 2.


----------



## flexkill

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."


----------



## Furtive Glance

Just read this one the other day. Pretty funny. I think there's a few variations on it. 

A man is watching television with his wife. A newscaster comes on with a special report about a mining accident involving the deaths of 9 Brazilian miners and the research into the accident is ongoing. The wife starts sobbing uncontrollably. The man tries to console her to no avail, "They were miners. They knew the inherent risks."

She cries harder, "But there were 9 Brazilian of them!"


----------



## tm20

a group of dinasours are playing hide and seek. 2 dinosaurs who are hiding together suspect that they have been spotted so one of them asks "do you think hesaurus?"


----------



## flexkill

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


----------



## mr_rainmaker

An elderly couple was sitting at the kitchen table on the morning of their 50th wedding anniversary. "You know" she said, "We were probably sitting in the kitchen across from each other 50 years ago." 

"Yea" he said, "But we were probably naked." 

"So let's get naked now" she suggested. 

So they both took off all their clothes and sat across from each other. 

"You know" she said smiling lovingly "My tits are just as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago." 

He replied "I'm sure they are - one is in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."


----------



## mr_rainmaker

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." 

Yes, she says, "I remember it well." 

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" 

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" 

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. 

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. 

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. 

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."


----------



## glassmoon0fo

^That's THE funniest shit I've heard in a long time!


----------



## flexkill

Why do Nipples have bumps on them? 















































































It's braille for "lick here".


----------



## Basti

facepalm66 said:


> What did a little cute girl with no arms and no legs get for christmas?
> Cancer...


(I apologise in advance)
Why did she fall off the swing? 
She had no arms. 

- Knock-knock
- Who's there?
- Not her. 


I was wondering why that ball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me...


----------



## guitareben

Basti said:


> Why did she fall off the swing?
> She had no arms.



Why didn't the little girl get up? 

Because she had no Legs.


----------



## tacotiklah

Found this on my facebook feed:
Well Wally gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says &#8220;Where the hell have you been?&#8221; Wally replies &#8220;I was out getting a tattoo!&#8221;

&#8220;A tattoo&#8221;? She frowned. &#8220;What kind of tattoo did you get?&#8221;

&#8220;I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates&#8221; he said proudly.

&#8220;What the hell were you thinking&#8221;? She said, shaking her head in disgust. &#8220;Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?&#8221;

&#8220;Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.&#8221;


----------



## Alberto7

^ Brilliant


----------



## tacotiklah

Bumping this because I know I'm not the only over-stressed person on here in need of a good laugh:


----------



## glassmoon0fo

BUUUUUMP FROM THE DEAD. The Humor must live!

So, what do michael jackson and a second-place racer have in common?

They both come in a little behind.


What do michael jackson and a tortoise have in common?

They both want to get there before the hare does.


What do MJ and JCPenny's spring sale have in common?

Youth pants half off.


Whats the difference between Neil Armstrong and MJ?

One walked on the moon, one diddled little boys.


What do MJ and McDonalds have in common?

Discolored meat and 8 year old buns.


Why does Michael jackson like 28 year olds?

because there's 20 of them 

EDIT: just a thought, but I bet MJ could really nail that "thriller" look right about now...


----------



## vilk

what do michael jackson and caviar have in common? they both come on little white crackers


i actually hate michael jackson jokes because he he made some of the only pop music I really like. I wish there were a more famous pedophile who could take his place.


----------



## Waelstrum

^ Jimmy Saville is less famous but more topical.


----------



## Jakke

Necrophiliacs feel love just like the rest of us, they just have to dig a little deeper.


----------



## Scattered Messiah

i feel stressed, so I am propelled to unload my anger by telling discriminating jokes:

Alert: reeally really bad jokes contend,
DO NOT read on, except if you are able to stomach racism and other forms of discrimination!!


what do the orgasm and the pulse of a woman have in common?


Spoiler



doesn't matter to me if she got one



what's the difference between a jew and a ladder? [got this one from a jew, btw^^]


Spoiler



the jew gets put up against the wall only for once



what do you do, when a turk is running zigzag?


Spoiler



keep shooting



it's at night and dark, and your TV is floating out of the room - what do you do?


Spoiler



shoot the black guy!




Edit: one I did not think of, but now must tell to strengthen the germans=nazi stereotype

what's the difference between a jew and a pizza?


Spoiler



the pizza does not scream while being shoved into the oven


----------



## AxeHappy

Why can't Stevie Wonder Read?


Spoiler



Because he is black.



Statistically speaking, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.


----------



## vilk

What's the internal temperature of a tauntaun on Hoth?




Spoiler



Luke-warm


----------



## BucketheadRules

I put my left leg in. My left leg out. In. Out. In. Out. I shook it all about. I did the Hokey Cokey and I turned around.

And that's when the taxi driver said, "Just get in the ....ing car, pal".


----------



## mr_rainmaker

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: &#8220;If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!&#8221; 



The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, &#8220;I am on the commode. Please advise."


----------



## pink freud

BucketheadRules said:


> I put my left leg in. My left leg out. In. Out. In. Out. I shook it all about. I did the Hokey Cokey and I turned around.
> 
> And that's when the taxi driver said, "Just get in the ....ing car, pal".



I put my left leg in, I put my left leg out, I put my left leg in and I shake it all about...







They just don't make artificial limbs like they used to.


----------



## tacotiklah

Some funny court depositions for your morning amusement:
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


----------



## tacotiklah

Have more!:
A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house.

He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful, and had a fantastic figure.

She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal.

Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone.

But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion.

He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke in the morning with the feel of pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle."

In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end.

Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder.

As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."


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## flint757

Well the non-SSO meme thread died so I'll just put this here.


----------



## pink freud

Came up with this is class today, although I bet I'm not the first to:

The nice thing about integral calculus is you get to have all the rectangles you want and then sum.

Eh? Eh?


I'll show myself out.


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## tacotiklah

Dad: Son, I need you to get me a new pair of golfing socks
Son: In case you get a 'hole in one'? lulz
Dad: No, I just killed a man and I can't get the blood out of these ones.


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## DoomJazz

What's the fastest thing on land?

Stevie wonders speedboat.

I'm pissed blind about reading the Snake in the Desert joke.


----------



## mr_rainmaker




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## DoomJazz

Not a joke with a punchline, but I found out in my history of audio class that the Grammys statue is actually a Phonograph, not a Graphophone, so instead of it being called a Grammy, it should really be handed out as a Phony


----------



## tedtan

^ Very possibly a more fitting name, too.


----------



## Preciousyetvicious

"I'm feeling a little blue," the pineapple said, dolefully.


----------



## vilk

a termite walks into a bar and asks

is the bar tender here


----------



## boroducci

ordinary village 
guys asked the old man why all the girls love him so much. 
I do not know - an old man said and thenlicked his eyebrows with tongue


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## BlackMastodon

vilk said:


> a termite walks into a bar and asks
> 
> is the bar tender here


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## icos211

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

Because he was dead.

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?

He was stapled to the monkey.


----------



## Jakke

To resurrect this thread, and to commemorate yesterday:
How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman?


Spoiler



No potatoes


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## darkinners

Perhaps a bit too long but please bear with me.


- A beautiful woman happily married for 10 years, Her husband is a wealthy and very nice business man who always take care his wife, whatever she need. She don't even need to ask.

One day the beautiful wife met a young and handsome man, he maybe not as rich or as mature as the husband is. But he offered something that the wife missed for ages.
Excitement; The feeling of being young.

They started an affair, despite it's wrong.
One day the young man said to the wife. 
"This is not the way we want, I am so fed up with all the hiding and lies. Why don't we just disappear and start a new life together?"

At very same night, the wife grabbed some cash and valuable items from her house while her husband was away.
Sprinting all the way to the harbour they agreed to meet.

Upon arrival the young man already in the boat said "Let me carry all the stuffs to the island first or we have to risk to be caught together, I will come back to take you ASAP"

The wife thought he was right, gave everything to the man and wait for his return.

1 day,2 days, 3 days passed. No sign of that man coming back.
She is starving and freezing. Of course she can't go back home for what she did.


Suddenly, she saw a dog with a dying bird in it's mouth coming to the harbour port.
The dog let go of the bird and jump into sea to catch a fish.
The fish escape and the bird flew away.


The wife laughed and mumble&#65306;"The dog is so stupid, it had the bird. Now it got nothing"

The dog replied:" Yeah, my stupidity costed me a meal but your stupidity costed your beauiful life"

The wife reckon she gave up all beautiful thing in life she had and all for nothing.

What this story telling us?




























Some dogs do speak human language.


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## makeitreign

How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable?


AIDS!
















I'm so sorry.


----------



## BlackMastodon

^That one took me a second but I lol'd when I got it.  And now I feel like a bad person.


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## mr_rainmaker

A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. 

After his operation the doctors advised him that all was well. 

However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs 

in his crotch. 

Worried that it might be another surgery needed that the doctors 

hadn't told him about yet, he finally got enough energy to pull his 

hospital gown up sufficiently, that he could look at what was making 

him so uncomfortable. 

Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three 

wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily 

--- if at all...!!!!!!!! 

Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, 

"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over 

last week and gave a ticket to!" 



Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?


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## mr_rainmaker

What does a blonde do with her asshole every morning? 

Drops him off at band practice.


----------



## Ed_Ibanez_Shred

A dirty old man is dragging a young girl into a dark, scary forest. She says "I'm scared!" and the old man says "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"


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## mcleanab

Ed_Ibanez_Shred said:


> A dirty old man is dragging a young girl into a dark, scary forest. She says "I'm scared!" and the old man says "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"



Only the punch line of this joke was said in the movie "Baby Mama." It was right at the beginning of a scene shift... I was watching with a few people and no one laughed and I spit my drink all over the table...


----------



## straightshreddd

Joke I made up the other day that could be used for stand up:

I used to think CrossFit was a workout for religious people that wanted the body of Christ.


----------



## metallic1

2 women were in the supermarket looking at potatoes.
the first lady picks one up and says...
"this reminds me of my husbands balls".
the second lady says "wow they're that big?!"
the first lady answers....
"no, they're that dirty.


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## Ed_Ibanez_Shred

I'm very proud of this physics joke I made up

What is Alexander Litvinenko's least favourite teletubbie? 

Po.


----------



## vilk

two fish are in a tank

and one fish says to the other

"do you know how to drive this thing??"


----------



## MrPepperoniNipples

vilk said:


> two fish are in a tank
> 
> and one fish says to the other
> 
> "do you know how to drive this thing??"



joke of the year


----------



## tm20

man walks up to a very attractive woman and asks "excuse me miss but do you have pet insurance?" to which she says "no, why?"and the guy says "because i'm going to destroy your pussy"


----------



## tacotiklah

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but he also admitted doing it.
Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
One Student: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."


----------



## IbanezDaemon

Jonny has been off school for a few days and the teacher
asks him the reason for his time off.

'Sorry Miss' he replied, 'but my Dad got a bad burn last week'

'That's terrible' replied the teacher. 'Was it really a bad burn'?

Jonny replies: 'Yeah they don't f**k about at our local crematorium'.


----------



## Vhyle

How did I miss this thread? It's pure gold.

A man goes into a bar, and orders three beers. He points at each of them and says "happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday". He drinks them and leaves.

Same day next year, he comes back, and does it again. Says "happy birthday" to three beers, drinks and leaves.

Same day the year after, he does it again. The bartender noticed the trend and asked the man "I notice you do this every year. What's the story?" The man replied "Me and two of my best friends all share the same birthday, so when we parted ways, we promised each other that we would do this at our local bars every year." Bartender says "Ah ok, that's nice."

Same day next year, the man comes back and only orders two beers instead of three. The bartender remembers, and asks "Hey what happened to your third friend? Did he pass away?"



The man said "No, I quit drinking."


----------



## OmegaSlayer

Do you know why women are so bad at parking?
Because boyfriends and husbands keep telling them this is 9 inches


----------



## asher

^


----------



## OmegaSlayer

Sorry if my jokes have hiccups but I translate them from Italian so...

Little Johnny enters the bathroom while his father is having a shower.
He lands his eyes there and seeing hair and stuff asks: "Dad, what did you have there?"
"Eheh, a broom son!"
"Cool Daddy! How much did you paid it?"
"10 $! Quite a deal huh?"

Some time later Little Johnny enters the bathroom while his mother is having a shower.
"Hey Mum, what you got there between your leg?"
"That's a very soft broom Johnny"
"Oooooh! How much did you paid for that?"
"35 $ dear!"
"Hey Mum, I think you've been scammed! For 10$ Daddy got a stick too!"


----------



## OmegaSlayer

There are 3 friends.
An American, a German and an Italian talking.

The American says: "In America we have planes that fly so high they reach the infinite!"
And the German and Italian: "No way!"
And the American: "Well, two inches below "

The German says: "In Germany we have submarine that dive so much they touch the bottom of the deepest sea trench!"
And the American and the Italian: "No way!"
The German: "Well, two inches above "

The Italian stays silent thinking that Italians don't have such incredible things, so the American and German starts to mock him: "What do you have that is cool in Italy"
"Lots of things" says the Italian, "just let me figure out one that stands up a lot!
Oh yeah, I got it!
In Italy our women give birth from their assholes!"
The German and the American: "No way!"
And the Italian: "Well, two inches above "


----------



## OmegaSlayer

Seems lately I'm alone trying to keep this thread up LOL

Well, a classy middle aged man enters a renowned hotel and goes to the desk and asks the concierge: "Sir, I would like to know if this location meets my standards. I need clean rooms, peace and silence, and most of all, dignity. I don't want to stay in a place where the guy next door brings a prostitute to her room with the help of the staff"

The concierge: "Sir, our hotel meets the high standards in confort, elegance and integrity.
Our clientele is selected, refined, classy and distinguished. You can have what you expect from our place"

The customers says: "Well, thank you. I want to book a room for a week, please"

The concierge fills the registration, then calls the porter to take the man's luggages and guide the man to the room at the first floor.
After getting out of the lift and walking through the hallway, the classy man noticed the very first door open and he can't help but have a peek inside...and lo! he sees a woman squeezing his naked breast and a man with his pants down, holding an open umbrella with the right hand and his testicles in his left.

The classy man bursts in wrath and he runs to the concierge and starts venting.
"Your hotel is the peak of lack of dignity! In all my trips I've never seen something as outrages as today. This is gross, unacceptable!"

The concierge is a bit puzzled and asks: "I beg your pardon, sir, what are you referring to?"

The classy man: "What am I referring to? What am I referring to? Are you kidding me? Are you seriously kidding me? Are you pretending to not know what happens here at the first floor?"

The concierge is more and more surprised and a bit curious: "Actually I'm not aware of any kind of foul activities. Please explain sir."

The classy man: "I passed in front of the very first room of the first floor and saw a naked woman grabbing her own breast and a man holding in his hands his testicles and an open umbrella! Is it normal for you?"

Concierge: "Oh sir, I know that, but there's some bias on your side.
That is a sweet deaf-mute couple on their honeymoon.
The wife was saying 'Dear, please get out and take some milk', and her husband was replying 'My balls! It's raining outside!'"


----------



## mcleanab

Old guy goes to a job interview and the Human Resources guys asks him, "What would you say is your greatest weakness?" The old guys says, "Honesty." The HR guy says, "I don't think honesty is a weakness." The old guy says, "I don't give a f*$k what you think."

How many Freudians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two.
One to screw in the bulb, the other to hold the p3nis.
Ladder!
I meant ladder.


----------



## Don Vito

okay so rich people have all this money and sex and fame, but you know what they don't have?

the blessings of allah and the privilege of jihad

it's a joke, but also something to think about


----------



## Low Baller

Ok I will bite:

There's a store that sells husbands and a woman walks in.

The first floor is full of guys who are nice. The woman is pleased but decides to check out the next floor.

The second floor is full of guys who are nice and good looking. The woman is pleased but still decides to see the next floor.

The third floor is full of guys who are good looking, nice, and have great jobs. The woman is very pleased but she thinks what is on that fourth floor.

She gets to the fourth floor and finds nothing except a sign. The sign says you're the 63,455 visitor to this floor. This just goes to show woman are impossible please go to the exit.


Then....There's a store selling wives and a guy enters the store 

On the first floor is full of good looking woman.

The second floor.....no one has ever been on.


----------



## Low Baller

And here's some horrible terrible corny jokes.

Just bare with me I just flew in from Phoenix....boy are my arms tired (ba dum tss). Anyway.

Three robbers are running from the cops. There's a dog crate, cat crate, and sack of potatoes. One robber jumps on the cat cage, one in the dog cage, and one in the sack of potatoes.

The cop kicks the dog cage.
The robber goes "woof woof"
The cop moves on 

Then the cop kicks the cat cage
The robber goes "meow"
The cop moves on

Then the cop kicks the sack of potatoes
The robber goes "POTATOES!!!!"

One more this isn't meant to offend anyone's faith or culture

Friend one: My wife left me today...she's now seeing that Indian guy across town.

Friend two: I am very sorry to hear that are you ok?

Friend one: Yeah, I know he will be better to her than I was. Indian people do worship cows after all.


----------



## Seybsnilksz

A young couple is out having a drive. The girl spots a bull mounting a cow, and she asks her boyfriend: "How does the bull know that she is ready?" to wich he replies: "He can smell it because she sends out pheromones when it is time." They continue their trip. After a while the girlfriend says: "You have a cold huh?"

And here's a choir-related one that I posted in another thread a while ago:

What is the difference between a soprano and a Porsche?
The basses have never been in a Porsche.


----------



## OmegaSlayer

Low Baller said:


> Ok I will bite:
> 
> There's a store that sells husbands and a woman walks in.
> 
> The first floor is full of guys who are nice. The woman is pleased but decides to check out the next floor.
> 
> The second floor is full of guys who are nice and good looking. The woman is pleased but still decides to see the next floor.
> 
> The third floor is full of guys who are good looking, nice, and have great jobs. The woman is very pleased but she thinks what is on that fourth floor.
> 
> She gets to the fourth floor and finds nothing except a sign. The sign says you're the 63,455 visitor to this floor. This just goes to show woman are impossible please go to the exit.
> 
> 
> Then....There's a store selling wives and a guy enters the store
> 
> On the first floor is full of good looking woman.
> 
> The second floor.....no one has ever been on.



Hey, you should wake up in Connecticut, the same brand store is in Italy too and the second floor has beautiful women who love to have sex.

Dunno what's on the third though


----------



## Low Baller

OmegaSlayer said:


> Hey, you should wake up in Connecticut, the same brand store is in Italy too and the second floor has beautiful women who love to have sex.
> 
> Dunno what's on the third though



What!? A second floor!? You guys are smart in Italy in CT we thought it was just one floor. But we are ok we have a saying around here

Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think we care!

I am kidding we definitely care.

Legend has it that the third floor has woman who are good looking, love sex, and support the buying of music gear. That just can't be true.


----------



## Low Baller

More horrible gems I found

My friend was a plastic surgeon but he stood too close to the fire and melted.

I am reading a book about anti gravity. It's just impossible to put down.

Do you know what Motzart and Bach are doing these days? They're de-composing.

A lumber jack accidentally cut off his left arm and leg but now he's all right.

When I die I want to die peacefully in my sleep just like my grandfather did.....Not screaming like all of the passengers in his car.

It must be cold out I just saw an attorney with his hands in his own pockets.

A man knocked on my door asking if I wanted to contribute to the local pool. So I gave him a glass of water.


----------



## Edika

I don't know if I or someone else has posted these before:

A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender serves him and the neutron asks:
- How much for the drink?
In whch the bartender replies:
- For you, no charge.

Neon walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says:
- We don't serve noble gasses.
There was no reaction.

A guy decides to go on a hot air baloon ride as it was something he always wanted to do. He goes and hires a baloon for an hour with an instructor. He gets on the baloon and just before the instructor gets in, a violent storm unleashes, breaks the ropes and swifts the baloon up on the clouds. The guy grabs on the basket for his life and the storm swings him around for several kilometers. By some miracle he survives and the baloon stays intact after a few hours being knocked around by the storm.
The storm clears up and the day is wonderful once again but he has no idea where he is as he can only see fields and trees and no sign of civilisation. By luck he spots a guy under a tree day dreaming. He manages to somewhat lower the baloon to about 30 metes above ground and shouts to the guy under the tree:
- Excuse me sir? Yes, yes you. Can you tell me where I am?
The guy under the tree seems to be contemplating his answer for about 5 minutes before replying:
- You're on a hot air baloon 30 meters above the ground.
The guy on the hot air baloon is stunned for a minute from the reply and then says:
- Can I ask you another question? Are you a mathematician?
- Why yes! How did you know?
- Well first of all you thought trough your reply, even though it was a simple question and you gave me really accurate information about my position that are completely useless to me, said the guy on the hot air baloon evidently crossed.
- You're right, said the guy under the tree. Can I ask you a question too? Are you a stock broker?
- While yes, replied the guy on the hot air baloon, how did you know?
- Well you set out for a destination without a plan or the right tools, you ended up somewhere you did not wish to be and now you're trying to shift the blame to someone else!

A police helicopter is out on patrol on a stormy night and suddenly they get hit by lightning. Luckily the engine is still runing but all other electronic equiment are fried so no radio and no navigation tools are working. To top that a really thick fog descends so they are unsure in which part of the city they are. They just make out one of the skyscrappers and see one of the windows lit. They approach the window and the co-pilot writes on a big piece of cardboatd "Where are we!".
The people in the building replies on another piece of cardboard "You're on a helicopter 20 stories above ground".
Seeing that the pilot makes a hard left and heads on for about 15 minutes and reaches the police station helipad. The co-pilot astonished asks the pilot:
- How did you know where we were from that reply?
- Well, says the pilot, by that completely accurate but useless description of our situation I figured out we were in the Microsoft headquarters building and it was easy then to navigate back to the police station!


----------



## Seybsnilksz

Why don't more people live in Norway?
They can't afjord it.


----------



## tacotiklah

Did you hear the one about the paraplegic that was given a big promotion at work? Apparently they made him the Chairman.

(I know, this joke is awful and you good people simply won't stand for it. My apologies... )


----------



## IbanezDaemon

Born again Christian mother and her son are driving thru a red light
district. In front of them is a truck which has been picking up all the
rubbish from the red light district.

After a short while driving behind the trash truck a large dildo falls
out and hits the windshield of the car. Son...."What was that Mommy/"

Born again Mommy realising an awkward scenario might ensue quips..
"Why nothing my child....just a mosquito probably...to which her son
replies....some size of a dick on it!!


----------



## flint757

"I went to the supermarket today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Dick headed cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the windshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner."

Someone posted this on my Facebook.


----------

