# My brother is too fat



## Scar Symmetry (Feb 1, 2010)

Ok so I usually hate threads of such serious nature but I'm spent on ideas here and wanted to know if anyone else had any similar experiences.

Here's the thing: my brother is way too fat and he gets really depressed over it. He feels bad/insecure, eats a ton of chocolate, feels guilty about being greedy and goes back to feeling bad/insecure, it's the classic vicious cycle.

What worries me is that I suspect his weight matches his age (18 st.) and will continue to do so as he just eats mass amounts of junk food at a phenomenal rate. It's worrying for the rest of the family but he just won't listen, I've tried all sorts of ways of trying to get the message through to him and tonight I finally told him I'm fucking sick of him running away from this very evident problem.

He doesn't want to hear that he's fat, won't get a girlfriend, will have health problems but he just shrugs it off and plucks whatever bullshit excuse out of his pocket he feels like at any given time. Today it was "it's my ankles fault, it's not my fault I'm fat" 



The truth is I don't give a fuck if he hates me for shouting at him for it, he needs to do something about it.

I just don't know what it's going to take...

I've thought about us planning an intervention, but it won't necessarily work. It's the only thing I can think of.

Don't comment if you're just going to say "just leave him to it" because I will just get pissed off with you and this thread will turn into something counterproductive. 

Anyone else have a friend or brother who's the same?


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## matty2fatty (Feb 1, 2010)

These types of anxiety-related problems (I was going to say addictions, but that might not be the case) are tough for other people to try and deal with, because the person uses the behaviour (food/booze/smoking/drugs/whatever) to cope with their anxiety. Like you said, the problem is when the behaviour itself is both the cause of, and solution to (albeit a temporary one), that anxiety. 

The second problem is that the person has to really WANT to do something about their behavior if they're going to accept help to change it. 

My suggestion though would be, instead of yelling at him and generally being a dick for his bad behavior, instead try to encourage anything he does thats positive (walking, not eating as much, etc). Also, if you think that there's some underlying cause to why he's eating too much, it would help if you helped him figure that out....in a case like this, addressing the eating would be similar to if a doctor giving to cough syrup to treat your lung cancer. But, some people just like to eat too, there's not always a reason.....I always have to watch that I don't let my psych degree get the better of me when I talk about this stuff......

Anyway, in a nutshell I'd say be supportive, try to figure out whats behind it, offer advice (there's a couple of decent weight loss threads going on here now), and try not to make him feel bad by shouting, because after all:

feels bad ='s eats
being yelled at ='s feeling bad
substitute and solve

And, don't expect him to be on the cover of mens health right away. Small changes at that point can really make a difference. Say, even getting him to drink diet pop instead of regular pop makes a difference. Then, if he sees improvement, he might be more likely to make another one. 

Sorry for the longwinded response, but a combination of personal experience of being a mostly reformed fatass and a psych degree makes me think I have worthwhile things to say, haha. Good luck!


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## Scar Symmetry (Feb 1, 2010)

Mostly things I already knew but thanks for putting the effort into the response 

I'm definitely not going to stop being a dick to him about it though. He gets a free ride off the rest of my family and that just fuels him doing it. I know shouting at him will make him feel bad initially, but eventually he'll get fucking sick of it and do something about it.


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## techcoreriffman (Feb 1, 2010)

Dear Dave, I too have a brother that is excessivley overweight. He is 11, and weighs 150 pounds (which is 10 more than me, and I'm 15 [I do, however, run a shit-load]). But, what I did for him, was sit him down, talk to him civilised-ly (idk if that's a word or not), and I talked him into eating the same diet as I do, and going to the track to walk/run with me.

Since then, he has lost almost 15 pounds, and that was only a couple weeks ago.

I've gotten him to eat low-fat EVERYTHING, high-protein snacks, and cut down on sugars. He walks, and works out with me a couple times a week, and he's showing a lot of signs of success.

He was in the same vicious cycle but i think I *might* have pulled him out of it.

Best of luck to you and your brother!


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## Scar Symmetry (Feb 1, 2010)

Yeah I've talked to him about it in a friendly way before and that approach didn't provoke the knee-jerk reaction I got this time, but the simple fact is he needs to man the fuck up and stop sugar-coating everything, both literally and metaphorically.


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## Jogeta (Feb 1, 2010)

the first step to getting him to exercise is gonna be the hardest! 
the only time i've seen it successfully done is on TV (aka Dr Phil) :s

a smaller step you could help him take is making sure he doesn't eat before bed!
or start on walking instead of driving?
going out of the house and doing things will help too!
smaller portions (over time)
and water instead of Coke!

i can't really think of anything else, but all these things seem to be helping me out \m/


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## Scar Symmetry (Feb 1, 2010)

Thanks guys I appreciate it


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## matty2fatty (Feb 1, 2010)

yeah, for sure, being in an environment that supports it can be tough. The worst thing when they're young is that they really don't have an appreciation for the negative consequences associated with being unhealthy until it's wayyyyy too late. 

I have a cousin that's your typical 'sit inside all day playing xbox and eating chips and pop'. He's 14 now, and at the rate he's going he'll be lucky to only weigh that much in 4 years (18st =~ 250lbs?). But, his mother is too nice to get rid of the junk food, garbage the xbox, and kick his ass outside.


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## Xiphos68 (Feb 1, 2010)

Jogeta said:


> the first step to getting him to exercise is gonna be the hardest!
> the only time i've seen it successfully done is on TV (aka Dr Phil) :s
> 
> a smaller step you could help him take is making sure he doesn't eat before bed!
> ...


This water can really help him loose a lot weight and oranges (exactly two a day and a little encouragement goes a long way as well ) sometimes they need to hear the truth though if he isn't listening. But Dave, encouragement will go a long way especially from a brother.


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## Scar Symmetry (Feb 1, 2010)

It's passive parenting IMO. People who don't know any better need a kick up the arse, when they finally come to they will appreciate the help.


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## Xiphos68 (Feb 1, 2010)

Scar Symmetry said:


> It's passive parenting IMO. People who don't know any better need a kick up the arse, when they finally come to they will appreciate the help.


I agree on some of that as well. But does your brother have depression not from being fat but depression in general?


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## Scar Symmetry (Feb 1, 2010)

He has pretty serious insecurity issues, but I think that lies for the most part in being overweight and thus being socially inept.


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## Xiphos68 (Feb 1, 2010)

Scar Symmetry said:


> He has pretty serious insecurity issues, but I think that lies for the most part in being overweight and thus being socially inept.


I see. Well have you thought about letting him see a psychiatrist (I think that's right) and let him talk to your brother about his weight issue. See my mom has a similar problem but she's always had depression and her weight was gained after a time of medicine that was giving to her and made her bigger. I think she gets depressed about her weight sometimes. But I'm just trying to think what she does plus, she exercises all the time. But all I can say is try to help him get start loosing weight and I'll pray for you too (even though I know your not a Christian not forcing it either) but I believe God can help always. So just try whats best for him.


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## Scar Symmetry (Feb 1, 2010)

He had councilling for a while, but he says he didn't get anything out of it.


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## Jogeta (Feb 1, 2010)

Scar Symmetry said:


> He has pretty serious insecurity issues, but I think that lies for the most part in being overweight and thus being socially inept.



i get the feeling that Sony, Microsoft or Nintendo might have contributed somewhat to this...

does he play guitar?

if he does you could try and help him out starting a band!
there can't be many better ways to work out than playing a set (including lugging cabs/heads about etc)


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## Scar Symmetry (Feb 1, 2010)

Jogeta said:


> i get the feeling that Sony, Microsoft or Nintendo might have contributed somewhat to this...
> 
> does he play guitar?
> 
> ...



Microsoft and Samsung have indeed contributed largely.

He does play guitar, but he's got no confidence and just refuses to learn scales.

He's not a fan of lifting things either


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## Xiphos68 (Feb 1, 2010)

Scar Symmetry said:


> He had councilling for a while, but he says he didn't get anything out of it.


ok then. I have no idea what to do except trust God and give him encouragement. But I hope things work out though. Don't forget encouragement though. Sorry if I wasn't that much help.



Scar Symmetry said:


> Microsoft and Samsung have indeed contributed largely.
> 
> He does play guitar, but he's got no confidence and just refuses to learn scales.
> 
> He's not a fan of lifting things either


Maybe you should sit him down and teach him some stuff and become the next Ammot brothers.


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## Jogeta (Feb 1, 2010)

you've really got your work cut out for you!

#tries to think of more ways to help#


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## matty2fatty (Feb 1, 2010)

Can he live with you? That would at least get him out of his house and away from the xbox and kitchen....thats kind of an extreme option though I guess.


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## Jogeta (Feb 1, 2010)

I'VE GOT IT! (in a slightly light hearted kinda way)

1/ sit him in a room and put Combustion by Meshuggah on repeat and on as high a volume as you deem appropriate.
2/ leave the room.
3/ come back later.
4/ observe the increase in musculature around the neck, shoulders, abdomen and arms.
5/ procure a cold beer, and consume in celebration of your successful intervention.

\m/


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## PeteyG (Feb 1, 2010)

Get some weights, and get into a routine of group work out. Gym won't be good because it's full of thinner and healthier people than the people he probably feels insecure around.

But get him into a routine of just pumping some weights to some good music and a nice friendly environment where he has someone encouraging him to work his hardest and do a good job.

Reasons for this is that he's working towards getting healthier which (when pointed out to him the right way) should make him feel a little better about himself, he'll most likely get an endorphin boost which will also make him feel good, it'll boost his metabolism and generally make him a little more energetic and positive, and is also just a good way to be friendly with a family member.

This is coming from experience of being someone who has been overweight for too long, and lost 1.5st in the past 2 months from doing this.


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## JeffFromMtl (Feb 1, 2010)

It's good if he has someone to help ease him into better routines. Like if he needs to go for a run or lift some weights, then you can do it with him, or find a friend that wants to help. It'll be good for your brother as well as his conditioning partner, and if he's with someone else, he'll feel like a lot less of a chump.

Another thing to consider is what he drinks. soft drink and juices have a shit ton of sugar in them, and if they could be substituted for water or fresh-squeezed juices, that would be excellent. Another alternative to candy is always fruit, especially dried fruits, which are called nature's candy for a reason. They're all-natural if unsweetened and taste awesome, but you still have to limit portions, as the calories can add up. Other things that have been mentioned are meal times and portion control. If you eat before sleeping, it'll hinder digestion and it's best to eat smaller portions, but more frequently in order to get your metabolism going constantly. Another trick to doing this is ensuring that he eats breakfast every day, and that it should be the largest meal of the day. If you wait until lunch to eat something, your metabolism will work more slowly throughout the day, rather than starting at a fast pace first thing in the morning. And as a result, he'll have more energy and be in a better mood, feel better about things and get himself motivated to fix this problem of his.


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## Scar Symmetry (Feb 2, 2010)

Thanks guys


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## TheHandOfStone (Feb 2, 2010)

I'd suggest working out with him if you can, or at least encouraging him to work out in groups. I've lost like 30 pounds since September (200 to 170) by joining my college's crew team. It wasn't easy, but I kept up out of necessity. Having someone else to work out with makes it that much harder to quit or go easy. It's going to suck for him no matter what, but having someone else there makes it a lot easier.


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## MF_Kitten (Feb 7, 2010)

tell him you´re doing it because you fucking love him and don´t want to see him buried before you get old yourself.

make sure you let him know exactly how wrong he is, like don´t let him do the excuses. once he pulls one out, shoot it down and explain to him that now he´s just trying to get rid of the problem by explaining it away instead of facing it.

really don´t let him get away with theexplaining things away.

then try to explain to him exactly what he´s doing, and how he´s exhibiting all og the classical symptoms. let him know he´s not just "doing his thing", he´s actually having a problem that is well known. compare it to an illness or something, so he sees what you mean, like if you exhibit so-and-so symptoms, then that is a known thing, and that´s the case with him as well.

tell him how fucking easy it is for him to get a good looking body, and get in great shape, and how much happier he´ll feel when that happens. he needs someone to go through it with him, which is what is usually missing for most people who give up and relapse. he can´t go through it alone.

i mean really let him know that you´re doing this because it´s your duty as a loving brother to fix him up, because he´s seriously killing himself.


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## vampiregenocide (Feb 7, 2010)

Does he go to many gigs? They can get him out, meeting people, getting a bit more confidence back and you can loose a hel of a lot of weight with some frequent gigging. A mate of mine lost a stone from two proper gigs and not eating so much.

That and don't have anyone enable him. You mentioned he gets a free ride of his family. Shock his system into moving and just get people to stop it. 

He needs a positive experience to make him _want_ to change his lifestyle. While I don't have the weight issue, I do understand some of his problems and I know when I have been most happy and productive is when a catalyst of something positive has occurred to me, pushing to work. Whether it be making a new friend, doing something you've been meaning to do or better yet, getting a girlfriend, it can change your perspective.


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## LLink2411 (Feb 8, 2010)

My diagnosis is to be nice, caring, and out of the kindness of your heart truly help him without being a pseudo-macho idiot.

I know most people into metal wouldn't know a tact, calm, or measured demeanor if it beat them to death with a stick, but if you really want to make him feel wanted and happy... then you will have to toss away the tough guy bullshit and be a fucking human. That is all there is too it. No shit talking, no mocking, just appreciation and most importantly _respect_.


One's inner self must be fixed before one's outer self can be fixed if one is to live in harmony with oneself. If you want him to look like a happy and well-adjusted human being, then he will have to become one.



That or just force him to hate himself so much that he goes to the gym constantly and becomes another terminally insecure meathead.



Your choice really.


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## Sang-Drax (Feb 8, 2010)

First of all, kudos for you for trying to help him, Dave 

I agree with the talking approach and all that's been said in this thread. I'd like, however, to further add something to what Morten said:



> tell him you´re doing it because you fucking love him



Show him he won't be alone in this. Tell him that the first step is the hardest and recognize it as such, but it must be done, and you'll be there to help.

I've never the exact same problem, but I did have to change the way I took my academic life some years ago in a similar fashion. Nothing out of the extraordinary, really, but, since I'm as insecure, depressive, self-destructive, and mysanthrope as your average 250-lbs teen, perhaps I can understand your brother. 

Well. Whenever someone came to yell at me it sounded like empty boasting and destructive criticizing from people who didn't really know what I was going through. It sounded like, "be better! I don't know how and I don't care, just be someone else". It goes without saying it helped nothing at all. It just made me mad at them in a way that destroyed or relationship forever.

I ended up changing without their help in the end (my family actually tends to get in the way of things). It could have been a lot easier with a little more patience from them and stuff.

And then there's this: try not to bring the subject out of the blue. If possible, wait until he's particularly depressed about it. Though it possibly varies from person to person, sadness is an emotion that is meant to be a way to accept changes. I've read that some time ago and it makes sense to me.

I'm not sure if I could make my point... I tried to be as concise as possible to not hijack the thread


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## Tiger (Feb 8, 2010)

LLink2411 said:


> My diagnosis is to be nice, caring, and out of the kindness of your heart truly help him without being a pseudo-macho idiot.
> 
> I know most people into metal wouldn't know a tact, calm, or measured demeanor if it beat them to death with a stick, but if you really want to make him feel wanted and happy... then you will have to toss away the tough guy bullshit and be a fucking human. That is all there is too it. No shit talking, no mocking, just appreciation and most importantly _respect_.
> 
> ...



Someone got picked on by kids wearing Metallica shirts as a child.


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## Sang-Drax (Feb 8, 2010)

Tiger said:


> Someone got picked on by kids wearing Metallica shirts as a child.





Although I do agree with LLink, I can't deny that was funny


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## Scar Symmetry (Feb 8, 2010)

LLink2411 said:


> My diagnosis is to be nice, caring, and out of the kindness of your heart truly help him without being a pseudo-macho idiot.
> 
> I know most people into metal wouldn't know a tact, calm, or measured demeanor if it beat them to death with a stick, but if you really want to make him feel wanted and happy... then you will have to toss away the tough guy bullshit and be a fucking human. That is all there is too it. No shit talking, no mocking, just appreciation and most importantly _respect_.
> 
> ...



Yeah... I tried that approach and it didn't work. He needs to man up and the only way that's going to happen is by mentally brutalising him. I had it happen to me and it made me a stronger and better person. All he needs to do is stop fighting it and _want_ to be a stronger person.


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## Tiger (Feb 8, 2010)

^ Agreed.

You cant sugar coat it, he'll just try and eat that too.


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## JeffFromMtl (Feb 8, 2010)

Tiger said:


> ^ Agreed.
> 
> You cant sugar coat it, he'll just try and eat that too.


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## 777 (Feb 8, 2010)

Scar Symmetry said:


> He needs to man up and the only way that's going to happen is by mentally brutalising him.



Dude different strokes! Some people commit suicide over mental assault, yeah it worked for you but fuck man it dosent mean itll work for him. Im not sure if i actually agree with this thread tbh, i know you wana help but as a former poster on here i think if he saw this shit hed be fucking destrought.

I might aswell offer some advice tho seeing as this thread aint gona be deleted.
I think the first step is getting him off that fucking Idiot box. When i played he was on basicly every hour he had off work, and still is i presume. Hes more addcited to that than i was to World of warcraft man. 

Get him off xbox and youll have taken a good first step


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## Scar Symmetry (Feb 8, 2010)

If he sees it, fine. He's not going to commit suicide and once he's manned up and accepted responsibility for his problem then that's half the battle won.

He's still on it 24/7 yeah, prying him away from it would probably be harder than getting him to lose weight.


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## vampiregenocide (Feb 8, 2010)

Scar Symmetry said:


> If he sees it, fine. He's not going to commit suicide and once he's manned up and accepted responsibility for his problem then that's half the battle won.
> 
> He's still on it 24/7 yeah, prying him away from it would probably be harder than getting him to lose weight.




Buy a couple of RROD'd xboxes on ebay. Replace. Even if he just walks to the shops to replace it, its exercise.


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## 777 (Feb 8, 2010)

Scar Symmetry said:


> If he sees it, fine. He's not going to commit suicide and once he's manned up and accepted responsibility for his problem then that's half the battle won.
> 
> He's still on it 24/7 yeah, prying him away from it would probably be harder than getting him to lose weight.



Its great to see you trying to help tho dave, I hope he realises he has so much more potential than whats there. When he told me he was basicly quitting guitar I was petty pissed off, What a waste


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## Scar Symmetry (Feb 8, 2010)

Haha I wouldn't worry about that too much, he's says a lot things.


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## Jogeta (Feb 11, 2010)

you could show him this thread now there are a decent amount of posts?
hearing it from other people might have the influence that you're not managing to get?


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## thebhef (Feb 28, 2010)

LLink2411 said:


> I know most people into metal wouldn't know a tact, calm, or measured demeanor if it beat them to death with a stick, but if you really want to make him feel wanted and happy... then you will have to toss away the tough guy bullshit and be a fucking human. That is all there is too it. No shit talking, no mocking, just appreciation and most importantly




Tact, calm and measured beating someone to death with a stick? Seems contradictory.


Dave, I've been basically where your brother is for 4 or 5 years. I've recently been making some changes that I'm proud of, losing weight and getting in better control of my life. I think the most important thing for me was the realization that I was hurting myself and, maybe worse, lying to myself with all the lameass excuses. I hate being lied to. 
I don't think I've ever had anyone working too hard on me from the outside to improve myself, but I think it's something one has to come to to on their own. All you can do is try and create the mental environment for it to happen, and be ready to help him when he wants it.

The minor changes people have recommended aren't too difficult to get going; you might be able to get him started on some of them, even if just when you're around. He'll learn the behaviors, and then when he's ready to actually do something, he'll have an easier time.


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## Scar Symmetry (Feb 28, 2010)

thebhef said:


> Dave, I've been basically where your brother is for 4 or 5 years. I've recently been making some changes that I'm proud of, losing weight and getting in better control of my life. I think the most important thing for me was the realization that I was hurting myself and, maybe worse, lying to myself with all the lameass excuses. I hate being lied to.
> I don't think I've ever had anyone working too hard on me from the outside to improve myself, but I think it's something one has to come to to on their own. All you can do is try and create the mental environment for it to happen.



That's what he did man, he came to realise that he was not only hurting himself but his family too.

For those that doubted my actions, you should know that me shouting at him changed his behaviour and he has since been working hard to lose weight.


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## MF_Kitten (Feb 28, 2010)

glad to hear it, man. sometimes tough love is what´s needed to break through the hard shell of denial.


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## Scar Symmetry (Feb 28, 2010)

Tough love FTW


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## Jogeta (Mar 21, 2010)

BUMP OF DOOM to check on progress.
has your bro had to change his middle name to "Adonis" yet?

\m/


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## jymellis (Mar 21, 2010)

he aint heavy...hes my brother lol. i thought of that song as soon as i read the post. how about showing him some threads on bodybuilding dot com. not the horrible date stroies lol. but some of the "fat to fit" threads and pics. it might help if he sees that other people are just like him and he can loose weight and look good if he wants too . i dont think pushing anything on him will work. maybe just some small nudges in the right direction and a little motivation.


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## Sang-Drax (Mar 22, 2010)

Scar Symmetry said:


> For those that doubted my actions, you should know that me shouting at him changed his behaviour and he has since been working hard to lose weight.



Good to know I was wrong


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## DJENTxCORE901 (Apr 14, 2010)

I'm kinda chubby. But I go to the gym every night. I just gotta eat better. Get him a gym membership and work out with him or somthing. He sounds unmotivated as fuck.


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## Bevo (Apr 19, 2010)

Go to the health store and ask for the herbal depression vitamin, can't remeber the name.
What is does is boost his confidence and make him feel better about himself.
Just tell him its a vitamin.

This will make him open to discussion, his confidence will come out and make him want to talk.
Shit what was the name!!


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## Bevo (Apr 19, 2010)

St Johns Wort, look it up..its a great happy pill.


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## Jason (Apr 21, 2010)

IMO St johns wort does nothing.


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## Bevo (Apr 21, 2010)

I tried it after my girl sister who is the moodiest person ever said she never felt so happy in her life. She was a closet eater and only when she was in a bad mood which was all the time. She lost a ton of weight and kept it off, she is very decent now.

Maybe for me it was all in the head, gave me a nice feeling kinda like one beer to take the edge off.


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## Jtizzle (Apr 25, 2010)

You can get him on Animal Cuts. If he's not working out he won't be burning fat anyways, but the big amount of caffeine it has will give him so much energy he'll want to doing hurdles on a track. Either that or he'll have a heart attack. Either way, when the caffeine affects him and he starts working out, the fat burning will be easier. Plus the diuretics will make him piss out his water weight and have him lose about 10-12 lbs on the first week. If this doesn't motivate him to keep losing weight, then he's retarded and gay.

I used to be a chubs a few years back when I was a junior in HS, and my mom got me to go to a nutritionist and I got myself a gym membership. Needless to say, I lost 60 lbs in around 4-6 months (can't really remember). I got from 210 to around 155. I gained a shitload of it back, and I'm at 192 right now (weighed myself this morning), but a few weeks ago I was a little heavier. It doesn't look as bad cause I'm older and taller but It's still overweight. My friends started telling me to work out. First it was just one, but when a couple started saying to do it, I started. I now jog every day for 2 miles around my neighborhood.

Maybe he thinks it's just a waste of time. But really, what else can he be doing? I've realized it doesn't intervene in my daily activities at all. I go to class, come home, take a nap for an hour or two, and go running, which takes me just a half hour. I get back and practice my guitar. It's pretty much 30 minutes that I would spend laying in bed. And recently I just started swimming and going to a hot tub after working out, which gives me something to look forward to during my run. Swimming is a great exercise, and it's like the main reason I lost so much weight a few years ago. 

I'd say maybe tell his friends to tell him, or put him in an embarrassing situation. Also try play wrestling him a few times a day. That'll get him sweating like a bitch.


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