# Self-Confidence...



## Gilbucci (Jun 8, 2008)

I've always struggled with this, and now it's starting to really piss me off. I am always so critical of myself, and way too observant. It's to the point where if I don't think I look good, I won't go out. I am always thinking of what people think of me, and how they perceive me, and I am so totally fed up with it. I am thinking it's because of my weight (I'm 6''1 and 190-195lbs) but, I think there's more to it than that. Can anyone offer up some advice?


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## stuh84 (Jun 8, 2008)

The only thing you can do really is learn to not care. At the end of the day, you aren't psychic, so you don't actually KNOW what people think, its all speculation, so why care what they think if you'll never know what they have in their minds anyway?

Shying away from people will not help, its what I used to do when I had low self esteem, and it was the worse thing I could have done, as it just perpetuates that problem rather than exaserbates it.

The only thing I would think about is, what are the kind of people you surround yourself with, is it supportive people or generic "friends" who spend most of their time ripping on you? I was surrounded with people like that, and its what brought me down, getting away from them helped a lot.

Finally, are you in any band of some description? Being in a band was what started my self confidence raise, as at gigs people always tend to want to talk to you if you put on a good show. It took a great deal more than being in a band, but it sure as hell never harmed it all


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## Ken (Jun 8, 2008)

I've stuggled with this for years, and continue to do so. It's affected many areas of my life. Looking back, I've always craved the approval of others, even if it meant my own unhappiness.

What I've come to realize is this: there's no sense in worrying about peoples' opinions because they won't tell me what they really think anyway. They'll run off and tell everyone except me.

When it comes to work, I've always needed to feel secure in my job. I would always say and do whatever people wanted so that they would need me. I've since started a savings account and have enough money to last a few months if I need to, so I value my job but I stand up for myself without fear of losing my job.

When it comes to guitar playing, well, I'm working on that. I've always tried to impress people, but I'm always afraid people are judging me so I concentrate more on what they might be thinking than I do actually playing the guitar.

It sounds twisted, I know, but for me it's ultimately about learning who I really am and embracing that person. I'm learning to let my guard down, let go of my control freak tendencies, and give myself permission to play as slow as I want to.

You should head over to Coping.org, Tools for coping with life's stressors, and remember to be honest with yourself or you're just wasting your time.


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## Michael (Jun 8, 2008)

I used to have the same problem when I was around your age, Mike. I still do, but nowhere near as bad as it was back then. Now that I'm a little older I've learnt that random people in public judge you about as much as you judge them (more of a personal belief, mind you), which for me was hardly at all. So just don't worry about it. Put your focus on people who you enjoy being around.

I'm still shy as fuck. I don't expect to be liked by everyone, so it's not an acceptance thing, but I'm just very reserved.


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## K7_Munky (Jun 8, 2008)

dude you cant go through life caring about what people think about you thats just a waste of your time we all have flaws no ones perfect just go out and have a good time there will be those who like you and others who dont but their just haters. you gotta feel good about yourself other wise you'll be miserable so I say fuck what others think.


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## Durero (Jun 8, 2008)

Well I think what you're experiencing is a really common thing man. I certainly felt that way early on in high school, and it gradually diminished from there.

I'd make sure that you keep telling yourself that you're not alone and that many people have these feelings. Even if you already understand this intellectually the subconscious mind can be stubborn and cling to insecurities so just keep repeating to yourself that you're not the only one.

It can also help to take small steps to face the issue whenever you can. For example if you're not feeling up to going out with friends, go for a short walk by yourself anyway. Or go to a public place like a park, library, store, cafe, or something, just to show yourself that it's ok to be around people.

(my 2¢)


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## El Caco (Jun 8, 2008)

There are people who have gone through life with low self esteem and never really done anything until an unfortunate event has caused them to be incapacitated (lost limbs etc.), after the event some of these have gone on to become some of the most remarkable people living some of the most fulfilling lives in our society. When interviewed they have said they wished to prove that a handicapped person could do anything a normal person could.

It has always been my opinion that if you are born with a fully functioning body there is no reason you can not do almost anything just as good as anyone else. I accept that I am responsible for who I am today.

As far as the approval of others goes, I don't give a shit what people think about me because I am comfortable with who I am. I choose who I want to be and I refuse to be something fake to receive approval or make more friends, I think that if people don't like me for who I am then I probably would not like them as friends. I have very few close friends and I am happy. 95% of people I know think I need a haircut but I like it, I'll cut it when I stop liking it not because others think I look better with short hair.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you need to be who you want to be first and foremost, if you don't like something about yourself change it, if it's a weight issue, lose weight it's easy enough to do. But don't lose weight for other people to like you, if you like the way you look now fuck what other people think, your the one who has to live with it every day.

Take control of your life and don't let life or other people control you. Just get out there and do the things that you enjoy and make you happy, along the way you will meet like minded people, you will make friends and you will lose friends, it's all part of life. 

Another important part of being alive is moving out of you comfort zone, challenging yourself and trying new things, it's in those moments that you truly feel alive. A girl I dated years ago played mixed netball and I went along to support her, I remember thinking what a gay sport it was then on the second or third week a team was down a player and asked me to play, I reluctantly agreed and they paid all my fees for me. I had an incredible time and continued to play. The thing is I was there more than anyone else as my girl and I played on different teams so we had to wait for each other. As a result another team asked me to play for them because one of their players moved away for work. At the end of the year the two teams I played for met each other in the final and I had to choose between them. It was a choice between a team that had not lost in 7 years and a team that just played for fun and I had made some good friends on. I went for the fun team but it was the final and they got hungry, the first half was not fun at all, we were getting walloped, everyone was getting real worked up and the team started to turn on me because I wasn't taking it serious enough and they wanted to win. At this point I snapped, I reminded them why I wanted to play with them and that if we were not having fun that it was not worth playing, after 3/4 of the game we were way down but I finally got through to them and we had an absolute ball, it was an incredible way to end the season. I made some great friends that year and it still stands as some of the most memorable and fun moments of my life, oh and it's a great way to meet girls. One more thing,








































































































































































*WE WON!*


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## WarriorOfMetal (Jun 8, 2008)

Gilbucci said:


> I've always struggled with this, and now it's starting to really piss me off. I am always so critical of myself, and way too observant. It's to the point where if I don't think I look good, I won't go out. I am always thinking of what people think of me, and how they perceive me, and I am so totally fed up with it. I am thinking it's because of my weight (I'm 6''1 and 190-195lbs) but, I think there's more to it than that. Can anyone offer up some advice?



are you suggesting that you're too thin, or something? those proportions don't seem all that out of line to me in terms of being too heavy, because i'm about 5'6" and a little over 200lbs...not obese, but a little bit overweight. it's never bothered me enough to actively try to lose weight by means of a diet or extra exercise or anything.

i have been a bit self-conscious about my body, though. not in terms of not wanting to leave the house if i don't look "good," but just thinking that i'm generally not very attractive.

now...you or others may think i'm crazy for suggesting this, but one way to get comfortable with your body would be to look into nudism. a large part of what they're about is body acceptance, and i understand that as far as body shape, features, etc. are concerned, you'll never be judged in a nudist environment. i don't have any personal experience with being in large groups of naked people, but i've read about it, and after a friend kinda prompted me to do it, i started spending a lot of time naked around the house. it's not inherently a sexual thing...just, for example, if you're not going anywhere right after a shower, take your time before getting dressed. if you have a full-length mirror, look at yourself in it, get used to the idea of seeing yourself naked and the feeling of it. if you have family/roommates who are understanding and supportive, even better. my roommate, for example, generally has no objections to me going around wearing as much or as little as i want...it's great with the summer heat, too. 

overall, it's helped my self confidence a lot, and while it probably wouldn't work for everyone, i think it might be worth a shot


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## Gilbucci (Jun 8, 2008)

Thanks a ton for the replies guys, I really appreciate them all. 

@WarriorOfMetal; I am not 'fat' by any means, but I have a bit of a gut, and I hate the feeling of having to suck it in to look good. I know I want to lose weight, but I just know that in the end, I won't stick to any diet/exercise plan.


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## FYP666 (Jun 8, 2008)

I'm 180 cm, and i weight 85 kilos. I'd like to be more ''thin'', but if weight is power, then overweight is... MOARPOWER! 

Anyways, I still have the same problem. I've performed in front of 500 people, but i started hating myself because it bothered me so much, and i got stressed because of that as well! So, what i did, was that way i think now, is that i have friends and people that like me, that i'm gonna spend my life through with, and the other people are basicly bunch of dudes who are mostly assholes, that can suck my majestetical dick, but sometimes there pops up a person who is nice! So, what i mean is, when for example your performing, or just hanging out with your friends, if anyone bothers you, say to him/her right on with and attitude ''in-your-face'', because no one, and i tell you no one, is better person than you, or anyone else!


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## The Dark Wolf (Jun 8, 2008)

Gilbucci said:


> @WarriorOfMetal; I am not 'fat' by any means, but I have a bit of a gut, and I hate the feeling of having to suck it in to look good. I know I want to lose weight, *but I just know that in the end, I won't stick* to any diet/exercise plan.



I think that's a key right there.

You've already mentally defeated yourself. Look, confidence, while something some people are born with in more proportions than others (I seem to have almost ridiculous levels of confidence. I literally give 2 shits), REAL confidence comes from competency.

Competency builds when you set and achieve goals. You, Mike, seek others to affirm your status, your worth, because you do not believe in yourself. Anything is possible, anything can be accomplished. My theory is, even if you DON'T achieve the _exact_ goal you strove for, just the striving is bound to both A) improve you as a person, and B) open new doors that were never available to you until you strove.


I challenge you to overcome that mindset. Set yourself some realistic workout goals, and achieve them! You will both look better, and feel better. For inspiration, may I suggest 2 things -

1. Watch the film 'Pumping Iron', with Arnold Schwarzenegger. It's a documentary from the early days of bodybuilding. Arnold is an inspirational figure in many ways for his discipline and his ability to dream.
2. Get his book, 'Arnold: The Education of a Bodybuilder.' This book is both truly inspirational - Arnold was a sickly nobody from backwoods Austria, and became one of the most successful people ever, all through his confidence  - and is full of sensible, apt advice for shaping your body, through diet, exercise, and the sound principles of believing you can achieve what you really want.


I'm a believer in practical, applicable advice. Not too much on touchy-feely, "Aww, that's ok!" type shit. The Klingons have a proverb - "When sad... act!"  Hope it helps, and I wish you well.


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## Lucky Seven (Jun 8, 2008)

The Dark Wolf said:


> I'm a believer in practical, applicable advice. Not too much on touchy-feely, "Aww, that's ok!" type shit. The Klingons have a proverb - "When sad... act!"  Hope it helps, and I wish you well.



Funny thing you mention that...because I've been living like that for the past 6 months. There were some things I wasn't happy about with myself, so I decided to act. I've lost 40 pounds of fat, I've gained muscle, and I'm in better shape than all of my friends. All of this came from being fed up with myself and deciding to improve. Since then I've become way more mentally and physically healthy. Just make sure that whatever you do, you put in research so you know what you're doing...


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## The Dark Wolf (Jun 8, 2008)

Good for you, Kyle! That's exactly what I'm saying.

It all begins in the mind. But when you apply yourself, everything else comes. Almost Zen-like.


And fuck Ken with his self-deprecation. Dude's so fucking good on guitar he makes me want to punch his dog.


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## Ken (Jun 8, 2008)

The Dark Wolf said:


> And fuck Ken with his self-deprecation. Dude's so fucking good on guitar he makes me want to punch his dog.





I know it doesn't make any sense. It's true all the same. Don't get me wrong, I don't go around saying "I suck at guitar", because I know that I don't. I'm getting better at just playing what I want without worrying it it's technically impressive or not.


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## guitarplayerone (Jun 9, 2008)

The Dark Wolf said:


> I think that's a key right there.
> 
> You've already mentally defeated yourself. Look, confidence, while something some people are born with in more proportions than others (I seem to have almost ridiculous levels of confidence. I literally give 2 shits), REAL confidence comes from competency.
> 
> ...



YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!

Remember, there is no doubt that you are the alpha male. just go work hard and materialize that.


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## Gilbucci (Jun 9, 2008)

I totally want to start exercising again and getting healthier, but getting inspired to actually _do _it is a completely different thing. I exercised/dieted like mad from like November to February and lost about 40 pounds (from 220 to 180) and since then I've put on 10 pounds and I've lost all inspiration to do it


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## El Caco (Jun 9, 2008)

Look at my sig, then look at my post in the I saw someone die today thread, it doesn't have to be hard, I would hardly call what I am doing exercise and you can diet and still enjoy your favourite foods.


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## The Dark Wolf (Jun 9, 2008)

Gilbucci said:


> I totally want to start exercising again and getting healthier, but getting inspired to actually _do _it is a completely different thing. I exercised/dieted like mad from like November to February and lost about 40 pounds (from 220 to 180) and since then I've put on 10 pounds and I've lost all inspiration to do it



Try following my advice. You have nothing to lose. If that particular thing doesn't work, find something else. Something that speaks to YOU. We all have triggers that help move us in certain directions. Find something that moves you in a positive direction. Unless you only made this thread to bitch? Or do you want results?

Always wanting/needing others' approval is almost like being shackled to a heavy rock, that always holds you in one place. Break that chain. It's a mental thing. You ever see an elephant leashed in one spot? They use a regular rope on its foot. How the hell is a rope gonna hold an adult elephant in place? It can't, realistically. But when the elephant is young, and small, they shackle it's leg with a heavy, strong chain. The elephant may struggle, but it can never break that chain holding it in place. Eventually, it ceases to try.

Then, they can use a simple rope. The elephant has given up, and will not try again.



[action=The Dark Wolf]is off to workout.[/action]


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## Kakaka (Jun 9, 2008)

Don't delude yourself with the thoughts of obtaining something that will change who you are. Things won't change unless you change or, at least, change your acts. Don't suffer too much with the expectation and anxiety for a change too, simply go out and change right away. For example, simply go and talk to the next girl you see. Talk to new people just for the sake of being a social being. This will help you to notice that people are just people pretty much like you. So you probably shouldn't be afraid of going out and relating to them.

Oh, and, not that I tell you to give up on dreams, but stopping to dream too wildly and starting to work on tangible projects is by far more rewarding than to close oneself into a shell of imagination and introvertion.

Just to make it clear, it's my own approach to self-rejection and social interaction.

Best of luck for you, dude!


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## sakeido (Jun 9, 2008)

To build my self confidence, I just boiled it down to the most simple terms possible.
- I respect people who accomplish things
- I would respect myself if I am always accomplishing something
- Therefore, I am always practicing guitar, working out, developing my game, or making friends

So long as I maintain forward motion, and am always improving in some way, I feel good about myself, and these good feelings make it easier to accomplish more, until ultimately it becomes self-sustaining and I feel good about myself all the time.


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## Kakaka (Jun 9, 2008)

^


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## Codyyy (Jun 9, 2008)

Dude, I struggle with the same issues (in fact, we even pretty much line up in the height and weight category). 

I clearly don't have a solution. Part of me wants to "change it all this summer" and work out like a madman and lose weight, but the other parts knows that I will still give a huge fuck what people think of me. So I don't know.


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## The Dark Wolf (Jun 9, 2008)

sakeido said:


> To build my self confidence, I just boiled it down to the most simple terms possible.
> - I respect people who accomplish things
> - I would respect myself if I am always accomplishing something
> - Therefore, I am always practicing guitar, working out, developing my game, or making friends
> ...



 

The 'Little Engine' philosophy.







I approve.  Simple, but it works. Set goals, accomplish them feell good, and even more able to accomplish new goals, move on.


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## Gilbucci (Jun 10, 2008)

I think I've found it in me to finally start doing it again..mainly for that feeling you get right after you finish an intense cardio/weight training session. I know what to do as far as training goes, but what should I be putting into my body?


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## El Caco (Jun 10, 2008)

Really basically healthy unprocessed whole foods @ around 500 calories under your daily maintenance requirement with one free day per week that is higher than your maintenance requirement.

But I seriously recommend checking this guy out Fat Loss Secrets - Fat Burning Diet - Burn the Fat Feed the Muscle it's a small amount to pay for a lot of info. And don't worry about signing up for the free ecourse if you want I can give you the link to the last page that has links to every other page.


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## Gilbucci (Jun 10, 2008)

I'd appreciate that man


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## Gilbucci (Jun 11, 2008)

I've thought about the body type I'd like to achieve, and I'm thinking I'd try to achieve a Mark Tremonti-like build. How I'd achieve it I have no idea  If anyone could help It'd be greatly appreciated. Just in case you didn't know what he looks like..


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## Anthony (Jun 12, 2008)

The Dark Wolf said:


> The Klingons have a proverb - "When sad... act!"



Never have more true words been spoken. 

I used to live my life like a sappy sack of shit, "woe is me", and all that zazz. It was until 6 months ago when my dad had a rather direct intervention with me, and said "Don't get sad, Get Angry. Don't fuck the world, fuck them"

Now I don't live my life angrily, not like a mean person, but when something gets me down, I put that energy of sadness into anger, and take positive action, and I've been a lot happier the past 6 months.


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## The Dark Wolf (Jun 12, 2008)

"When you can't, then you must."


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## Jachop (Jun 18, 2008)

I'm having the same problems as you dude. Not due to being overweight or anything - but I look much younger than my age (19, turning 20 this year). It sucks, but what can one do but trying to make the best out of it regardless?


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## Anthony (Jun 19, 2008)

Jachop said:


> I'm having the same problems as you dude. Not due to being overweight or anything - but I look much younger than my age (19, turning 20 this year). It sucks, but what can one do but trying to make the best out of it regardless?



Can you grow a beard?


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## Jachop (Jun 21, 2008)

Nope.


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## TheHandOfStone (Jun 21, 2008)

I can certainly relate. I have an odd mix of low self-confidence and strong convictions in what I'm doing. So the only real advice I can give you that you haven't already heard is never to compromise on things that are important to you because it's easy. These are the kinds of things that build self-confidence. But of course, you probably already knew that.


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## budda (Jun 28, 2008)

this is a GOOD thread!

boober has excellent advice as usual. the man is confident, and knows his stuff.

to the OP and all who struggle with something:
*surround yourself with supportive individuals.*. if you have friends who rag on you, FUCK THEM and find some GOOD people. I endured 4.5 years of highschool and bullshit and always feeling like the runt i was made to feel. im sure that the people who had a direct impact on my self-esteem and self-image dont know how much effect they had, but ultimately i was not much of anything (other then a guitarist) when I graduated. i hadnt kissed a girl for the first time until i was almost 19 (im turning 20 this fall).

I went to college. i moved out. i did stuff for myself. i got my lip pierced. i started working out: went to the gym once or twice a week when i could, with my best friend - we had our goals, we were striving to meet them. i had lost weight from my summer job (walking for roughly 8 hrs a day, pushing a lawnmower). i went from around 235lbs to 220, my sister gave me a hug after not seeing me for a week and said "OH MY GOD!" *i thought she was noting my wet shirt from a shift at Subway* "YOU'RE GETTING SKINNIER!" it was a very nice thing to hear!

throughout the school year, i ate like crap - i dont really cook, frozen food salads subs and sandwhiches and some apples n' grapes - i got up to around 240lbs. sounds ok, don'it.. I'm not quiite 5'11. the last 3 weeks of school, i was at the gym 6 hours a week and only eating 2 meals a day - i just didnt feel hungry. I got down to about 225. currently, after 2 months of work i consistently weigh between 212 and 210lbs. i havent been that "light" since.. gr 10 maybe? that was 3 years ago.

also, at school i met some good friends. yes they ragged on me, but they were also supportive when I needed them to be. in the case of my lip piercing (which is no longer in, it'll get re-done: I will get a job through my abilities and work ethic, not so much on my appearance!) my friend jon did not like the idea, but supported me doing it. Getting my lip pierced was the first step for me - i did something to make myself happy, not anyone else. Like many of you, I like to make people happy even if it means sacrificing something myself. It doesnt always pay off, and sometimes makes me wonder what the hell i was thinking. In the case of my piercing, i gained confidence in myself, i had a new level of happiness never previously achieved, and I felt happy with who i was. i knew how things were going, I knew who loved me and who my friends were.

I took the piercing out, and life got a bit shittier. i cried the night it came out, not thinking it would be a big deal - it felt like i was giving up, giving up my decision to be my own person and just trying to make everyone else happy again. I can only hope that when it gets re-done, I gain some of that confidence back. I dont think it will be the same, but i do miss it.

I came back to a town of 4200, where everyone knows me as that tag-along guy in highschool who's obsessed with guitar and metal - most people probably dont know that i love acoustic music and that I have a good singing voice, that's my own fault. I am back in a town that dragged me down for years, and am chomping at the bit to move back out, do things on my own terms and be surrounded by more supportive people who enjoy my company and who I am and what I am about. I need to get back into workign out, I want to keep losing weight and build up a physique, and Be Happy.

Only YOU can make yourself happy. Believe me, I know how hard it is to follow through with advice when someone tells you "ignore what the others think, do it for yourself." it's hard. its scary as hell, change is terrifying, and its hard to get the balls to make even a small change in your life. but you know what?

*it's worth it!*. For how much better you feel from accomplishing things, from being happier thus making other people happier - feelings are transferable - and you find yourself pursuing new goals and reaching new heights.

the problem with those of us with low self-esteem? we dont think we can do it. fuck them, fuck yourself for thinking it, ignore and avoid the people who bring you down - you can do it. step outside the comfort zone, man up, prove to yourself that you are a person, you have worth, and you are worth it to you. It's a scary thought, its incredibly hard to let it all go and improve, but at the end of the day you have to live with yourself.

I still dont like things about myself, but I'm trying to improve that. love your family, use your resources, surround yourself with supportive people, and believe that you can do it - there's no reason you cant.


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## Gilbucci (Jun 29, 2008)

Thanks for the advice everyone! I truly do appreciate it all. I have definitely gotten better since I made this thread. I figured it really wasn't my weight that was bringing me down, but my overall attitude. I also figured that going about increasing my confidence by external factors is just counterproductive, and really will NOT help me in the long run. 

What really helped me out was just setting aside the time to just point out my positive traits, and really thinking about all the good I've done in my life. Thanks again, guys!


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## budda (Jun 29, 2008)

atta boy!


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## ibznorange (Jun 30, 2008)

Gilbucci said:


> Thanks a ton for the replies guys, I really appreciate them all.
> 
> @WarriorOfMetal; I am not 'fat' by any means, but I have a bit of a gut, and I hate the feeling of having to suck it in to look good. I know I want to lose weight, but I just know that in the end, I won't stick to any diet/exercise plan.



youre not overweight by weight definition. that means you need to tone up if you still have a gut


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## ZeroSignal (Jun 30, 2008)

ibznorange said:


> youre not overweight by weight definition. that means you need to tone up if you still have a gut



How do you go about toning up? Just loads of sit-ups?


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## B Lopez (Jun 30, 2008)

Running, jump rope, and some (by some I mean a lot of ) core exercises.


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## Randy (Jun 30, 2008)

ZeroSignal said:


> How do you go about toning up? Just loads of sit-ups?



I've heard that bicycle crunches are the best "bang for your buck" in that department (as far as basic floor exercises go).


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## budda (Jul 1, 2008)

ZeroSignal said:


> How do you go about toning up? Just loads of sit-ups?



no.

you have to get your heart rate up. if you get your heart rate up to 30% (i think that's the number) of the highest rate it can go for 3 hours a week, you will notice improvements in 3 weeks. not major, but it'll happen.

you want to tone up? then look into various aerobic exercises - that's what will help.

I need to start.. went from 211 to 214.8 in about a day.. apparently i ate a lot of meat and didnt walk  (thinking i'll give up the riding mower privileges for the rest of the week..)


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## El Caco (Jul 2, 2008)

6 packs are made in the kitchen not in the gym.


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## MikeH (Jul 7, 2008)

I've striggled with self-confidence to the point where I didn't trust anyone because I thought that they were always ragging on me behind my back. Finally my best friends said they had enough and weren't dealing with me until I would grow up and actually trust someone. It took a couple days for some self discovery, and I'm still working on finally trusting myself and others. But it's just really alot to do with what you want to do with it. Of course, I had alot more drive because my friends were at stake. But if it's something that's bothering you that much, it's something you have to sort out with yourself.


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