# Jesus vs. Batman



## cataclysm_child (May 7, 2011)




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## Thep (May 7, 2011)

LMAO that was too awesome


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## crg (May 7, 2011)

imfar too drunk to read all of that ill try again tomorrow....


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## vampiregenocide (May 7, 2011)

I'm as impressed by his comments as I am dumbfounded by theirs.


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## Hemi-Powered Drone (May 7, 2011)

...This is one of the things I hate about most Christians; they can't take a joke.


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## vampiregenocide (May 7, 2011)

The bit that made me facepalm was the whole 'being a good person' will never save us. What a load of absolute bullshit.


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## CooleyJr (May 7, 2011)

Holy shit!  So many lulz were had while reading this.


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## niffnoff (May 7, 2011)

The amount of pure and unfiltered LULZ in that one convo I don't even know where to begin :') 

LOL @ the fact he was basing the conversation on physical fight while they tried to talk about the religon. Like the above some people need to lighten up


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## ST3MOCON (May 7, 2011)

that was so funny it seemed like he had been planning that one! so good!


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## TXDeathMetal (May 7, 2011)

vampiregenocide said:


> I'm as impressed by his comments as I am dumbfounded by theirs.


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## Guitarman700 (May 7, 2011)

My fictional character can kick your fictional character's ass!


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## Kurkkuviipale (May 7, 2011)

this is just unbelievably winning. thanks for posting, had gooood laugh.


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## MikeH (May 7, 2011)




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## Severance (May 7, 2011)

I think this is all made better by how that julie chick actually had a well structured rebuttle for jesus like every time then that one asshole calls batman a marvel character.

Though the implications of getting to play as batman on marvel vs capcom 3 would be fucking sweet seeing as he won against jesus.


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## Meatbucket (May 7, 2011)

Not to insight a huge religious and scientific discussion, but I believe that both Jesus and Batman are equal in the regard of being "fictional" or whatever. I think I'm siding with Batman on this one because his exploits are just -that- much more entertaining.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone by saying that, I didn't mean to. D:


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## Necris (May 7, 2011)

5 Real Deleted Bible Scenes In Which Jesus Kicks Some Ass | Cracked.com

I still say Batman could take him no problem.


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## Murmel (May 7, 2011)

Calling Batman a Marvel-character... Who the fuck does he think he is?


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## Demiurge (May 7, 2011)

I always figured that if Jesus were real, he would have had a sense of humor: he hung out with hookers and nomads, he could make wine from water, and his dad made the platypus. Just another way that contemporary Christianity and I apparently disagree.


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## ArkaneDemon (May 7, 2011)

U mad Christians? Nergal and Batman tagteam vs Jesus and Celine Dion.


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## vampiregenocide (May 7, 2011)

Meatbucket said:


> Not to insight a huge religious and scientific discussion, but I believe that both Jesus and Batman are equal in the regard of being "fictional" or whatever. I think I'm siding with Batman on this one because his exploits are just -that- much more entertaining.
> 
> I'm sorry if I offended anyone by saying that, I didn't mean to. D:



The thing is, Batman is just a billionaire with martial arts training, a tragic backstory and a shit load of cool gadgets.

Jesus is a random Jewish guy who happened to be the son of God, had magical healing powers, could manifest whatever material he wished and perform various other magical feats including dying and then resurrecting himself three days later.

Theoretically, which one is more possible? If you won the lottery you could be batman. You could never be Jesus.



Besides, Batman would just whip out a Bat-crucifix and it would be over.


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## Scar Symmetry (May 7, 2011)

Fightin' fire with fire.


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## CooleyJr (May 7, 2011)




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## niffnoff (May 7, 2011)

CooleyJr said:


>




LOL
I don't even....


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## neoclassical (May 7, 2011)

Meatbucket said:


> Not to insight a huge religious and scientific discussion, but I believe that both Jesus and Batman are equal in the regard of being "fictional" or whatever. I think I'm siding with Batman on this one because his exploits are just -that- much more entertaining.
> 
> I'm sorry if I offended anyone by saying that, I didn't mean to. D:


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## CrushingAnvil (May 7, 2011)

What kind of idiot still thinks one loaf of bread could possibly supply 5000 people with nourishment [that is going to last them more than 450 milliseconds]?

I like how they're actually taking it seriously. 

Batman > Jésus.







>


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## vampiregenocide (May 7, 2011)

CrushingAnvil said:


> What kind of idiot still thinks one loaf of bread could possibly supply 5000 people with nourishment?



It was 5000 times bigger than a normal loaf of bread.


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## CrushingAnvil (May 7, 2011)

vampiregenocide said:


> It was 5000 times bigger than a normal loaf of bread.



I re-read it and it was 5 loaves for 5000 people. Still a spastic claim to make, though


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## Guitarman700 (May 7, 2011)

vampiregenocide said:


> It was 5000 times bigger than a normal loaf of bread.



I'm kinda buzzed on my meds, and I cant stop laughing at this.


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## CrushingAnvil (May 7, 2011)

Guitarman700 said:


> I'm kinda buzzed on my meds, and I cant stop laughing at this.


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## Hemi-Powered Drone (May 7, 2011)

CrushingAnvil said:


> What kind of idiot still thinks one loaf of bread could possibly supply 5000 people with nourishment



Don't forget the two fish!


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## MikeH (May 7, 2011)

Necris said:


> 5 Real Deleted Bible Scenes In Which Jesus Kicks Some Ass | Cracked.com
> 
> I still say Batman could take him no problem.



I lol'd.


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## scherzo1928 (May 7, 2011)

"I never claimed Jesus was a hero of Qur'an, so don't mix my hero's origins up" so much win!!


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## Fred the Shred (May 7, 2011)

Actually, Jesus IS a hero of Qur'an. He's considered a messenger of God by the Muslim, just not the son of God.

Also, in spite of some rather pointless manifestations here, as it all boils down to belief and you can't prove the truth or falseness of the actions of a man who walked the Earth 2000 years ago anyway, I had to laugh at the debate. The idiot who called Batman a Marvel character should be bitchslapped, though, as it was actually a really entertaining read.

tl;dr - hilarious discussion, yes I'm a Christian, yes I have a sense of humour, no I can't give two fucks regarding the Jesus vs Batman fight as Wolverine would kick Bruce's ass anytime.


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## Hemi-Powered Drone (May 7, 2011)

Fred the Shred said:


> Actually, Jesus IS a hero of Qur'an. He's considered a messenger of God by the Muslim, just not the son of God.
> 
> Also, in spite of some rather pointless manifestations here, as it all boils down to belief and you can't prove the truth or falseness of the actions of a man who walked the Earth 2000 years ago anyway, I had to laugh at the debate. The idiot who called Batman a Marvel character should be bitchslapped, though, as it was actually a really entertaining read.
> 
> tl;dr - hilarious discussion, yes I'm a Christian, yes I have a sense of humour, no I can't give two fucks regarding the Jesus vs Batman fight as Wolverine would kick Bruce's ass anytime.



But is it not equally as likely that Batman may exist in the future?

Gambit would come in and kick Wolverine's ass, though.


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## MikeH (May 7, 2011)

Sorry. Raiden kills everyone. He's a god.


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## Waelstrum (May 7, 2011)

Ibz_rg said:


> Sorry. Raiden kills everyone. He's a god.



Yeah, but using god powers is cheating in a fist fight.


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## scherzo1928 (May 7, 2011)

Ha! you brought a gun to a godfight!


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## nostealbucket (May 8, 2011)

The real story:

Jesus is a fictional character inspired by John Petrucci.
Proof:






God is also a fictional character based on the idea of Petrucci's, Thordendal's, Cooley's, Shono's, and Abasi's child. Created in the massive explosion/guitar orgy (explorgy?) known as the big bang. Creating planet Shono, also known as Venus. Later, the planets known as Earth, and DJENTDJENT1.09 were created in a massive explosion known as, Sol Niger Within. Thordendal recorded the explosion and created the album 3.9 trillion years later.

Its so obvious. If you just read the Bible backwards! Christians can't read!


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## Explorer (May 8, 2011)

scherzo1928 said:


> "I never claimed Jesus was a hero of Qur'an, so don't mix my hero's origins up" so much win!!





Fred the Shred said:


> Actually, Jesus IS a hero of Qur'an. He's considered a messenger of God by the Muslim, just not the son of God.



Sorry, but whenever I read crossoer stories with DC, Marvel, Wildstorm or others, the character crossing over always gets a twisted interpretation which just doesn't feel right to those who know that character already. That was apparent to me when, as a kid, I bought the much anticipated first crossover with Superman and Spiderman. 

The problem with any crossover between unequal characters is that you can't have a confrontation when there is clearly no real fight. Batman versus Punisher? Okay, maybe. Superman versus Spiderman? Give me a break. You need to either power up the normally weaker hero, or strip away the stronger character's powers to make such a crossover viable.

In this case, the character's powers were stripped in order to make him equal to a normal human, as well as changing his basic philosophies. Otherwise, the God-wrath that the crossover hero typically rained down upon merchants and moneylenders would have hit the main character of that book that decided to use him at all....


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## metalheadblues (May 8, 2011)

Jesus has put one some muscles recently..I thinking him and batman would be a good fight..
lol an entire thread about fiction


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## JakSchitt (May 8, 2011)

Jesus could turn water into wine.....Useful at partys and other select social gatherings..... Batman on the other hand had the Batarang. And if you factor in the recent films, he had Morgan Freeman in his corner. So...

Sandal wearing booze distributor or Gadgetlobbing masked man with Baritone voiced sidekick waiting in the wings.. I know who my money is on.


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## Mayhew (May 8, 2011)

Batman would distract Jesus with his amazing dance moves (thanks Adam West) and then launch a surprise attack FTW. And he didn't need no stinking cod piece.


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## Cabinet (May 8, 2011)

Spider Man wins, obviously


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## vampiregenocide (May 8, 2011)

Romans > All


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## Mr. Big Noodles (May 8, 2011)

CrushingAnvil said:


>



Are those security cameras?


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## Matti_Ice (May 8, 2011)

I'm jus sayin Jesus' sidekicks where a bunch of fishermen, Batman's is now Morgan Freeman...take it as you will


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## vampiregenocide (May 8, 2011)

Matti_Ice said:


> I'm jus sayin Jesus' sidekicks where a bunch of fishermen, Batman's is now Morgan Freeman...take it as you will



...who played God...


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## -42- (May 8, 2011)

Just to clarify, we aren't talking Raptor Jesus here right? Because then it would be a close fight.


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## kamello (May 8, 2011)

is allowed to use the force in a close quarter fight?


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## Guitarmiester (May 8, 2011)

-42- said:


> Just to clarify, we aren't talking Raptor Jesus here right? Because then it would be a close fight.



 I don't know who/what Raptor Jesus is, but I like the sound of it.


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## -42- (May 8, 2011)




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## Explorer (May 8, 2011)

Well, at least *that* explains *this*. 






Ah, the Space Pope....


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## Matt-Hatchett (May 8, 2011)

You guys do know that Jesus was definitely real, right? Saying Jesus didn't really exist is like saying George Washington didn't exist. 

Now if he was really the son of "God" is up to your personal belief. Being of the christian faith, I believe him to have been. That's neither here, or there.

The real question is,"Could Jesus beat Batman in a fight?"

I'd say, no. Jesus would just turn the other cheek, until batman killed him. It would be a pointless fight. 

If you want to see a good fight, I say Batman vs. Santa Claus. That's bound to be interesting.


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## Thrashmanzac (May 8, 2011)

Matt-Hatchett said:


> You guys do know that Jesus was definitely real, right? Saying Jesus didn't really exist is like saying George Washington didn't exist.
> 
> Now if he was really the son of "God" is up to your personal belief. Being of the christian faith, I believe him to have been. That's neither here, or there.
> 
> ...



how can you say that jesus was definately real?
no one can say for sure that john frum was ever a real person.
john frum is the deity for many "cargo cults" around south america formed during the war. now consider this, if it is impossible to prove that this deity ever existed less than 100 years ago, what makes us able to prove that jesus christ existed? records? some sort of dna proof?
what proof is there that he did exist?
also, batman would be the winner, but it wouldnt matter because jesus would just come back to life three days after batman gave him the second biggest beating hes ever had and jesus would be like "so what?"


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## Matt-Hatchett (May 9, 2011)




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## CrushingAnvil (May 9, 2011)

Thrashmanzac said:


> how can you say that jesus was definately real?
> no one can say for sure that john frum was ever a real person.
> john frum is the deity for many "cargo cults" around south america formed during the war. now consider this, if it is impossible to prove that this deity ever existed less than 100 years ago, what makes us able to prove that jesus christ existed? records? some sort of dna proof?
> what proof is there that he did exist?
> also, batman would be the winner, but it wouldnt matter because jesus would just come back to life three days after batman gave him the second biggest beating hes ever had and jesus would be like "so what?"



That would be my ideal existence:

Beating the shit out of Jesus, resting for three days, beating the shit out of Jesus, pooning Mary, Rest for three days etc...


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## Cabinet (May 9, 2011)

I don't know if Jesus was real or not, however I do know that if he was real he would have had a 3 day ban from SS.org with a wooden cross and some big nails.


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## Konfyouzd (May 9, 2011)

*Blows own brains out*

What the fuck? And why?


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## Konfyouzd (May 9, 2011)

Thrashmanzac said:


> how can you say that jesus was definately real?
> no one can say for sure that john frum was ever a real person.
> john frum is the deity for many "cargo cults" around south america formed during the war. now consider this, if it is impossible to prove that this deity ever existed less than 100 years ago, what makes us able to prove that jesus christ existed? records? some sort of dna proof?
> what proof is there that he did exist?
> also, batman would be the winner, but it wouldnt matter because jesus would just come back to life three days after batman gave him the second biggest beating hes ever had and jesus would be like "so what?"


 
Well Jesus is in my history book... Alongside plenty of ppl we all agree are/were real. That doesn't mean he was who he said he was... Only that he existed...


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## Thrashmanzac (May 9, 2011)

as much as id love to agrue i feel i need to stick to the op and keep talking about jesus (real or not) getting a beatdown by batman (this would be a very real beatdown)


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## Randy (May 9, 2011)

-42- said:


> Just to clarify, we aren't talking Raptor Jesus here right? Because then it would be a close fight.



"Hey Jesus, is this baby for sale?"

"It is now! LOL"


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## synrgy (May 9, 2011)

Thrashmanzac said:


> what proof is there that he did exist



The Romans kept records of crucification. Historically -- at a minimum -- we know that they crucified a man named Jesus Christ. That said, there is of course no context in the records, so anything beyond the very simple statement "There was a man named Jesus Christ and he was crucified by the Romans" is up for debate.

For the record, I don't subscribe to any single religious theory.


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## vampiregenocide (May 9, 2011)

We know that there was possibly a man called Jesus, and he may have believed himself to be the son of God. A lot of historians agree that he was almost definitely real.


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## Konfyouzd (May 9, 2011)

What does whether or not you believe Jesus was the son of God have to do with whether or not he existed?

For the purpose of my argument I will be saying that *I* am the son of God. You all know that I am not. Do I no longer exist?

If we're going so far as to say that Batman could beat him up why is it so farfetched to believe that he might have just been some crazy guy that was able to gain followers? Not like it hasn't happened in events that we all agree to be real...


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## Varcolac (May 9, 2011)

Konfyouzd said:


> What does whether or not you believe Jesus was the son of God have to do with whether or not he existed?
> 
> For the purpose of my argument I will be saying that *I* am the son of God. You all know that I am not. Do I no longer exist?
> 
> If we're going so far as to say that Batman could beat him up why is it so farfetched to believe that he might have just been some crazy guy that was able to gain followers? Not like it hasn't happened in events that we all agree to be real...



It's more the fact that many of the purported events of his live have not been proven to have taken place, or have been proven not to have taken place. The census, the necessity of traveling to Bethlehem, the massacre of the innocents, the flight into Egypt. When so much of the alleged Jesus's early life is falsehood, it's understandable that people might question whether the man existed in the first place.

And that's before you get into the similarities between the alleged son of jehova and about five different (genuinely mythological, never-existed, hawk-for-a-head, mount-olympus) other demigods including Horus, Mithras, Dionysus, and even Krishna.


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## Konfyouzd (May 9, 2011)

There may be very little to confirm the existence of any one of us after we leave much less confirmation of actions we took while here...

Bear in mind I'm not religious... And I'm not trying to make this a faith argument. And while I have no evidence to prove this for sure, it seems as though a lot of the ppl saying that he didn't exist are saying it because they don't follow the Christian faith (or any of its affiliates ) which really shouldn't make a difference as to whether or not the man may or may not have existed.

Also, Varcolac, if I'm not mistaken, your last sentence touched on something I attempted to point out in another thread and got flamed by all the Bible thumpers for...

I know...  Let's find the birth certificate...


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## Randy (May 9, 2011)

Varcolac said:


> Dionysus



*ALL HAIL....*


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## White Cluster (May 9, 2011)

Batman could slaughter Jesus one-on-one but really that would never happen. For the most part Batman worked alone but Jesus had 12 dudes around him constently. If Jesus was my bro(he's not) and was getting his ass handed to him I would step in. So now it's 13 against one..Batman doesn't stand a chance.





Edit: Actually it's 12 against one...Judas was a pu$$y.


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## Konfyouzd (May 9, 2011)

Have you ever seen Batman? 13 pacifists? Really?


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## gunshow86de (May 9, 2011)

Konfyouzd said:


> Have you ever seen Batman? 13 pacifists? Really?



13 pacifists wearing robes and sandals.


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## White Cluster (May 9, 2011)

I don't know man. Jesus tore $hit up in the temple one day. And did you ever see a fishing knife? I'm pretty sure John or Paul would've shanked the Gotham City savior given the chance.


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## Sephiroth952 (May 9, 2011)

This is all irrelevent, Inigo Montoya would kick both of their asses at once.


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## White Cluster (May 9, 2011)

Sephiroth952 said:


> This is all irrelevent, Inigo Montoya would kick both of their asses at once.



He couldn't even defeat The Dread Pirate Roberts and you think he can best Batman. That's crazy talk.


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## gunshow86de (May 9, 2011)

Sephiroth952 said:


> This is all irrelevent, Inigo Montoya would kick both of their asses at once.


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## CrushingAnvil (May 9, 2011)

What's this, you say? A thread on religion?...And it's more than a day old? It's still open!?


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## Guitarman700 (May 9, 2011)

Sephiroth952 said:


> This is all irrelevent, Inigo Montoya would kick both of their asses at once.



"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die."
"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die."
"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die."
"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya, you killed my father, prepare to die."
X1000000


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## gunshow86de (May 9, 2011)

CrushingAnvil said:


> What's this, you say? A thread on religion?...And it's more than a day old? It's still open!?



Can I post the _inconceivable.jpg_ picture more than once in the same thread?


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## Explorer (May 9, 2011)

synrgy said:


> The Romans kept records of crucification. Historically -- at a minimum -- we know that they crucified a man named Jesus Christ. That said, there is of course no context in the records, so anything beyond the very simple statement "There was a man named Jesus Christ and he was crucified by the Romans" is up for debate.



This would be a breakthrough. There haven't been any Greco-Roman records regarding Jesus which were contemporary. The only mentions came long after, with the majority of those only mentioning followers of Christus.

As far as I'm aware, there are no Roman records of Jesus Christ being crucified. Could you provide a reference? 

----

Now, back to the real topic...

Keeping in mind that, in what is consisdered to be "in canon," the Batman is always extremely prepared, and able to take on large groups, and that (also "in canon") Jesus never let off lightning or any form of supernatural godwrath, being content to turn a few tables over when he got pissed off, there cannot be any argument as the outcome of such a fight. 

I don't think it would ever come to a beatdown, though. The Batman would threaten and frighten, but I don't think I remember him ever just wailing on someone who talked tough but didn't make the first move. A more likely outcome would be terrorizing JC without actually touching him, or just tying him up. The Batman is about justice, not law (so he wouldn't hand JC over to the Romans), and would have no reason to beat up the hippy who was trying to advocate for the poor.

Unless, of course, he found out that JC was actually selling drugs to those poor people, or making money off of their misery. Then it would be game on.


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## DVRP (May 9, 2011)

My god that was probably one of the greatest things I've ever read.


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## synrgy (May 10, 2011)

Explorer said:


> This would be a breakthrough. There haven't been any Greco-Roman records regarding Jesus which were contemporary. The only mentions came long after, with the majority of those only mentioning followers of Christus.
> 
> As far as I'm aware, there are no Roman records of Jesus Christ being crucified. Could you provide a reference?



I'll admit that my previous post was based on memory rather than specific source material, and it appears I was incorrect about Roman records of crucification, but I did find the following:

http://www.spotlights.org/images/Crucifixion.pdf



> 1. Non-Jewish and non-Christian sources:
> 
> a. Tacitus, a Roman historian, in his Annals, c. AD 115, describes the Roman
> Emperor Nero's actions after the great fire of Rome, c. AD 64:
> ...





> (2) Tacitus, The Annals of Imperial Rome, Penguin Books, c. 1965,reprint ed.1966, p.
> 354.
> (3) Lucian, "On the Death of Peregrine", quoted in Christian Apologetics, by N. Geisler,
> Grand Rapids, MI: Baker Book House, c. 1976, p. 323.
> ...



For whatever it's worth.


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## Customisbetter (May 10, 2011)

HAving Been through 21 years of schooling by multiple Christian denominations, mostly Catholicism, I'd like to think I have a pretty solid idea of how most humans perceive Jesus.

I feel if Batman arrived and was drinking buddies with Jesus, they would be totally cool with battling it out just for fun. Hell my friends and I battle all the time.

There is a problem however with the catholic belief that Jesus never used any of his power without proper need. If we could get around this little bit, then the battle would be on. 

My opinion is that Batman would pin Jesus first after a VERY interesting proactive fight with lots of strategy and a thoughtful prop placement.


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## Explorer (May 10, 2011)

@Synergy - As I noted, with your sources conforming, there were no contemporary records of the crucifixion of Jesus. 

@Cib - You might be a bit off the mark regarding Jesus not using his power outside of "need." According to the Bible, he cursed a plant, he changed water into wine, and walked on water. I don't believe that the Catholics expurgated those sections from the Bible. (If I recall correctly, it was the Protestants who got rid of a few things... although they forgot to get rid of everything which referred to the removed parts. *laugh*)

Anyway, I don't think there is any Catholic doctrine about Jesus and need....


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## Customisbetter (May 10, 2011)

Wow Im still buzzed form cold meds. Everything you corrected is correct. I didn't mean to be concrete and that last bit whould have said "chirstian" not catholic.


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## synrgy (May 10, 2011)

Explorer said:


> @Synergy - As I noted, with your sources conforming, there were no contemporary records of the crucifixion of Jesus.



Thanks. Maybe you missed the part where I _already stated that I was incorrect_. How's the air on that horse all the way up there? 

*edit* Sorry, but I'm in a piss poor mood today.


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## White Cluster (May 10, 2011)

I should be argueing for Batman given my atheist beliefs but I still think Jesus would rise up and take his ass. Jesus knew his purpose here on earth was to die for the sins of all humanity. He's not gonna let some privledged bint in a leotard ruin the master plan. His Dad would be pissed. I think Jesus would give Batman ample time to walk away before dragging his masked ass onto the Sea of Galilee and letting his utility belt sink him like a stone.


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## Explorer (May 10, 2011)

Synergy, I do hope you feel better. It can suck to feel badly over a period of time. (I think I touched on this in the "crapping oneself" thread, if that's any consolation, or at least if it provokes a laugh to know that I had quite a bit to say about this recently. *laugh*)

Cheers, friend.


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