# What's the worst pickup line you've ever heard?



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 27, 2010)

The worst I've heard is " is that a keg in your pocket, cause I'd like to tap that"

Anyone else hear funny/ horrible pickup lines!?


----------



## Herb Dorklift (Jul 27, 2010)

Hey, wanna have sex with me in my car?


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 27, 2010)

hahahaha that one is pretty bad


----------



## orb451 (Jul 27, 2010)

One my buddy used to tell girls in bars:

"Would you think any differently of me if I were standing here with an axe in my hand"

And by axe, he most certainly meant the kind that chops wood, not the kind we all play... The joke is, it's just so stupid and random that it scares the living shit out of them.

Yeah I didn't find it that funny either, but it's pretty bad so it's funny in a weird way


----------



## Herb Dorklift (Jul 27, 2010)

Using that tonight ^


----------



## espec1000 (Jul 27, 2010)

Is it that cold out or are you just smuggling tic-tac's.


What's a nice girl like you doing with a face like that?


----------



## s_k_mullins (Jul 27, 2010)

I like the witty "joke" pickup lines, such as "Are those space pants, cuz that ass is out of this world."
Or, "Is there a mirror in your pants, cuz I can totally see myself in them."
But they're more for comedic purposes, and it'd be pretty horrible for someone to use them in a real situation.

By far the worst pickup line I've ever heard was at a party, when a friend drunkenly slurred to some chick, "Damn girl, you fine as a mutha fucka. You wanna get with me?"


----------



## Evil7 (Jul 27, 2010)

"are you're parents beavers, cuz DAMN GIRL!"


----------



## Fzau (Jul 27, 2010)

s_k_mullins said:


> By far the worst pickup line I've ever heard was at a party, when a friend drunkenly slurred to some chick, "Damn girl, you fine as a mutha fucka. You wanna get with me?"


 
WIN 


There was this fraternity party in the most popular club here. I was dancing and having fun with my friends 'till some ugly girl I saw a couple of times before thought it was a good idea to use the following pickup line on me: "Hey, your rhythm is all wrong. No problem though, I can teach you."

I can't recall what I answered exactly but I was SERIOUSLY pissed off by that..
I'm a beast when it comes to rhythms, bitch. Show some respect. 
Note: I wouldn't care if she was pretty


----------



## scottro202 (Jul 27, 2010)

One I usually use is "Hey, what's up?"

I know, very trashy.

Now, besides smartass remarks, one I always liked was "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?"


----------



## vampiregenocide (Jul 27, 2010)

I've got a knife, lets not turn this rape into a murder.





Too much?


----------



## jymellis (Jul 27, 2010)

nice shoes, wanna fuck?


----------



## silentrage (Jul 27, 2010)

Can I help you carry that? Want some cock?

Oh let me get that door for ya, want some cock?

Hey you dropped this, want some cock?

Need a help with your car there? Want some cock?

If your boyfriend's busy today I can give you a ride home, want some cock?

That's a great hair cut, want some cock?

The weather's nice today, want some cock?


----------



## espec1000 (Jul 27, 2010)

silentrage said:


> Can I help you carry that? Want some cock?
> 
> Oh let me get that door for ya, want some cock?
> 
> ...


 
WIN!


----------



## Fzau (Jul 27, 2010)

Here's a good one for a change:

"Damn, you must be the luckiest girl in the bar tonight."

"Why?"

"Cause you're talking to THIS GUY!" *make extreme gestures*


----------



## pink freud (Jul 27, 2010)

You're hot; let's practice making babies.


----------



## cwhitey2 (Jul 27, 2010)

i want to be on you


----------



## orb451 (Jul 27, 2010)

One that actually worked for me one night I was shooting pool with some friends, table next to us was all girls playing, smiles, laughing, not a lot of conversation though between us. So I see they're leaving, I walk over to one of them and say:

"I don't usually do this, but if you're interested, and want to shag, meet me outside in 15 minutes".

Yes I actually said that. Yes it actually worked. 15 minutes later we met outside and about 45 minutes later we were indeed shagging. And about 45 minutes and 30 seconds after that, I was done and on my way home 

That was an epic night. I was on an Austin Powers kick at the time and used "shagging" and "do I make you horny" with obnoxious frequency.

Oh and it probably didn't hurt that the lady was a Cougar too...


----------



## vampiregenocide (Jul 27, 2010)

Does this cloth smell of chloroform to you?


----------



## vampiregenocide (Jul 27, 2010)

orb451 said:


> One that actually worked for me one night I was shooting pool with some friends, table next to us was all girls playing, smiles, laughing, not a lot of conversation though between us. So I see they're leaving, I walk over to one of them and say:
> 
> "I don't usually do this, but if you're interested, and want to shag, meet me outside in 15 minutes".
> 
> ...


 
You're my hero.


----------



## orb451 (Jul 27, 2010)

vampiregenocide said:


> Does this cloth smell of chloroform to you?


----------



## Fzau (Jul 27, 2010)

SURPRIIIIIIIIISE!


----------



## Dan (Jul 27, 2010)

"Roses are Red
Violets are blue
Ive got a knife
Now get in my van"

it worked too


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 27, 2010)

hahahahahaha these are all really funny!

I got another one. Okay so I'm walking through the mall with some friends, we enter FYE right, I decide to buy a CD and the cashier says " Hey you want my employee discount? It comes free with a night you won't forget"

I paid for the CD and got the hell out of that store.


----------



## Customisbetter (Jul 27, 2010)

Plug That still rhymed.


----------



## Neil (Jul 27, 2010)

'Hey I just got out of prison so how about you suck my dick for a change?'


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 27, 2010)

could be worse I have a cousin in Philly.... some of his stories...


----------



## avenger (Jul 27, 2010)

what winks and fucks like a tiger? uhhh *wink*

I love that line and use it as often as possible.


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 27, 2010)

avenger said:


> what winks and fucks like a tiger? uhhh *wink*
> 
> I love that line and use it as often as possible.



LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## silentrage (Jul 27, 2010)

Damn, i'm so stealing that line, "what winks and has a horse cock?" /wink


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 27, 2010)

hahahahaha nice. this is turning out to be quite the post


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 27, 2010)

What winks and has $50 *winks* that's a good one


----------



## SevenStringSam (Jul 27, 2010)

Me
"hey are we in a fish market cuz i smell something fishy. oh its just you"

1:18pmLouis
hahahahhahahaha

1:19pmMe
post it hahaha

1:19pmLouis
why don't you?

1:20pmMe
im busy typin to 9 other people haha

1:20pmLouis
i did it to be funny, and to maybe get some thanked posts so far 0 of those lol

1:20pmMe
lol remember my sister thread
i got more +rep then -rep hahahahaha

1:21pmLouis
nice
1 dude writes
what winks and fucks liek a tiger? uhhh *wink*

I love that line and use it as often as possible.
__________________
lol

1:21pmMe
hahahahahahahahahaha

Louis
lmfao

1:22pmMe
i have one one sec i need to look up the conditon first

1:22pmLouis
of what?


1:22pmMe
do you have heterochromia? cuz i see you have a pink eye and a brown eye
hahahahaha

1:23pmLouis
i dont get it

1:23pmMe
pink... and brown..

1:23pmLouis
ohhhhhhhhhhh
oh wtf lol

1:23pmMe
hahahahahahahahahahaha

1:23pmLouis
good 1

1:24pmMe
my dad told me that one hahaha

1:24pmLouis
nice
this is my favorite

1:24pmMe
"a fat girl says: "lets go skinny dipping"

1:24pmLouis
hey is that a keg in your pocket cause i'd like to tap that
HAHAHAHAHA

1:24pmMe
the guy says: honey with you its not skinny dipping. its chunky dunking

1:25pmLouis
They can't they g chunky dunkin
ya

1:25pmMe
hahahaha

1:26pmMe
"hey can i see your pussy. ""WHAT??"" your pussy, can i see your cat?" ""OHHHHH"" ""sure"" now can i see your vag

1:26pmLouis
hahaha
lmao
nice

1:28pmMe
nother of my dads

1:28pmLouis
hahahahahhah

1:28pmMe
my dad is the best lol

1:28pmLouis
"what winks and has a horse cock?" /wink

1:28pmMe
hahahahaha

1:29pmLouis
thats a good 1

1:29pmMe
lol uhhhh. what winks and has $50 .... ;]

1:29pmLouis
HAHAHAHAHAHA

1:29pmMe
i dare you to say that to a girl hahaha

1:30pmLouis
hell noooolol

1:30pmMe
hahaha


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 27, 2010)

way to take our facebook convo to here lol


----------



## SevenStringSam (Jul 27, 2010)

hahaha it has some good ones


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 27, 2010)

I got another story. This one's more creepy then anything. Ever get stalked by a chinese girl? after finally approaching me she says " wanna go back to my place?, I got some tasty 1 of a kind chinese food". Let's just say the cops took care of that.


----------



## Necris (Jul 27, 2010)

"I can't help but notice you aren't having sex with me, would you like to change that?"


----------



## SevenStringSam (Jul 27, 2010)

Necris said:


> "I can't help but notice you aren't having sex with me, would you like to change that?"



hahahahaha okay thats awesome


----------



## The Somberlain (Jul 27, 2010)

I have not tried this yet, but:

Me: M'lady, you quite evoke a poem from the Irish laureate, William Butler Yeats.

*Recites*
All the heavy days are over;
Leave the body's coloured pride
Underneath the grass and clover,
With the feet laid side by side.

Bathed in flaming founts of duty
She'll not ask a haughty dress;
Carry all that mournful beauty
To the scented oaken press.

Did the kiss of Mother Mary
Put that music in her face?
Yet she goes with footstep wary,
Full of earth's old timid grace.

'Mong the feet of angels seven
What a dancer, glimmering!
All the heavens bow down to Heaven,
Flame to flame and wing to wing.

*done*

Girl: *walks away for tool saying "Damn ho! You's fine!"*


----------



## right_to_rage (Jul 27, 2010)

If you were a booger i'd pick you first

Hey my dick just died can i bury it up your ass?


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 27, 2010)

right_to_rage said:


> If you were a booger i'd pick you first
> 
> Hey my dick just died can i bury it up your ass?



Nice!


----------



## JohnIce (Jul 27, 2010)

"I'm a key. Now let me unlock you."

Hammered 14-year old to me: "My friend told me you were a '90, wanna make out?" 

Then there's the metric fuckton of dudes who'd come up to my ex and say: "Hey, you should be with me!"

I wonder if anyone has ever got laid by doing that...


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 27, 2010)

lmao, I've heard that key one a lot


----------



## ittoa666 (Jul 27, 2010)

I see that you're pumping gas. Would you like to pump me?


----------



## DrakkarTyrannis (Jul 27, 2010)

Probably EMGs...those things suck..way overrated....


----------



## silentrage (Jul 27, 2010)

I thought the stock ibanez ones were pretty horribad too.


----------



## JohnIce (Jul 27, 2010)

DrakkarTyrannis said:


> Probably EMGs...those things suck..way overrated....


 


Admittedly well played though.


----------



## Razzy (Jul 27, 2010)

DrakkarTyrannis said:


> Probably EMGs...those things suck..way overrated....



EMG's rule dude, it's (insert whatever you use here) that fucking suck.


----------



## matty2fatty (Jul 27, 2010)

I was already out on a date with a girl, so this doesn't exactly count, but she asked what I was doing the next day and I said 'making you breakfast'

I did not, in fact, end up making her breakfast.


----------



## silentrage (Jul 27, 2010)

You should've said waking up by blowjob.


----------



## vampiregenocide (Jul 27, 2010)

Nice legs what time do they open.


----------



## SevenStringSam (Jul 27, 2010)

can i plant some kumquat next to your pussywillow?


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 27, 2010)

hahahahaha


----------



## silentrage (Jul 27, 2010)

vampiregenocide said:


> Nice legs what time do they open.



Nice and simple, me likes.


----------



## groph (Jul 27, 2010)

B.C. Rich's stock pickups are pretty much the worst I've heard.


----------



## JohnIce (Jul 27, 2010)

silentrage said:


> You should've said waking up by blowjob.


 
Ohh that's nice... I miss that.


----------



## ittoa666 (Jul 27, 2010)

You wanna have strange sex in the bathroom?

Make like a tree and give me wood.


----------



## Customisbetter (Jul 27, 2010)

groph said:


> B.C. Rich's stock pickups are pretty much the worst I've heard.


----------



## ittoa666 (Jul 27, 2010)

How much for a handie?


----------



## avenger (Jul 27, 2010)

I love your peanut butter legs... so easy to spread.


----------



## ittoa666 (Jul 27, 2010)




----------



## vampiregenocide (Jul 27, 2010)

Do you like My Chemical Romance? Good because you're drinking it.


----------



## Yaris (Jul 27, 2010)

So I'm auditioning for a show called "So You Think You Can Fuck."


----------



## Necris (Jul 27, 2010)

"Hey, does this old rag smell like chloroform to you?"


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 27, 2010)

Yaris said:


> So I'm auditioning for a show called "So You Think You Can Fuck."


 EPIC ONE! LOVE THAT!


----------



## wannabguitarist (Jul 27, 2010)

Necris said:


> "I can't help but notice you aren't having sex with me, would you like to change that?"



I watched a buddy of mine use that successfully before 



vampiregenocide said:


> I've got a knife, lets not turn this rape into a murder.





vampiregenocide said:


> Do you like My Chemical Romance? Good because you're drinking it.



My god, you just have a way with words


----------



## vampiregenocide (Jul 27, 2010)

wannabguitarist said:


> My god, you just have a way with words


 

I try.


----------



## liamh (Jul 27, 2010)

Honestly I just pretend to be black, it usually works.


----------



## CatPancakes (Jul 27, 2010)

ittoa666 said:


>



SHE WILL BE YOURS WITHIN MOMENTS!


----------



## NickDowe (Jul 27, 2010)

#1

In a loud club:

GUY: "So do you wanna dance?"

GIRL: "No."

GUY: "Maybe you didn't hear me... I said you look fat in those pants!"


#2

GUY: "Excuse me but could I smell your p*ssy?"

GIRL: "Noooooo!"

GUY: "Then it must be your feet then!"


----------



## ShadyDavey (Jul 27, 2010)

"How do you like your eggs in the morning?"

Normally greeted by the swift and witty riposte of..

"****off you ugly bastard"


----------



## vampiregenocide (Jul 27, 2010)

Your eyes are like spanners, everytime I see them my nuts tighten.


----------



## ShadyDavey (Jul 27, 2010)

As relayed to this correspondent by a rather more Northerly-dwelling guitarist..

"Now pet, while me face is around you'll ne'er be withoooot a place tae sit"


----------



## josh pelican (Jul 27, 2010)

I was sitting with two girls once and the nasty one said (out of nowhere), "I'll admit it... I'm wet whenever you're around." I don't know if it was a pickup line or not, but I got up and left.

If the other girl had said it, it would have worked.


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 27, 2010)

I would of got up and left too


----------



## 308sc (Jul 27, 2010)




----------



## Variant (Jul 27, 2010)

_*"I am The Dark Overlord... I need your body!"*_


----------



## GalacticDeath (Jul 27, 2010)

308sc said:


>




"How about I take you home and eat your pussy" haha I'm gonna use that


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 27, 2010)

lmao!


----------



## Survival101 (Jul 27, 2010)

"If your left leg was Easter and your right leg was Christmas, could I spend some time between the holidays?" 

Guy: Excuse me, what's your name? 
Girl: <name>, why? 
Guy: Can I call you <name>? 
Girl: Yeah..
Guy: Ok, what time? 

One I have seen used by an extremely drunk friend... 
Guy: Hey... hold on... there's something on your face... *rubs spot on girl's face*... Hey... it's not coming off... it's beauty! 

Unfortunately for him the entire room was paying attention to his "moves" and he was pretty much laughed out of said room. Making things worse, the girl was sober as a bell.


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 27, 2010)

Hi. I'm an astronaut, and my next mission is to explore Uranus. that's a good one


----------



## Brendan G (Jul 27, 2010)

"Ya wanna read some Maxwell?" A pickup line forged in my AP chemistry class after watching a video about Albert Einstein talking to his then girlfriend about light and Maxwell's electromagnetic theory.


----------



## Demiurge (Jul 27, 2010)

Worst pickup line?

At Guitar Center: "Dude, get EMG's- Zakk Wylde uses them!"


----------



## Antimatter (Jul 27, 2010)

"Let's fuck."

Keeping it simple


----------



## right_to_rage (Jul 27, 2010)

I was an extra on the set of the first Twilight movie.


----------



## Daemoniac (Jul 28, 2010)




----------



## Daemoniac (Jul 28, 2010)

"Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?"


----------



## apiss (Jul 28, 2010)

Found this one off the interwebz:

"Hey, do you live in a chicken farm? Because you sure know how to raise cocks."


----------



## signalgrey (Jul 28, 2010)

"Girl you look so fine you look like you should be dating one of the San Diego Padres"
-Tracy Morgan.


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 28, 2010)

apiss said:


> Found this one off the interwebz:
> 
> "Hey, do you live in a chicken farm? Because you sure know how to raise cocks."


hahahaha that's a good one!


----------



## TheSixthWheel (Jul 28, 2010)

I've spent the majority of my life in small country towns here in Australia, and on top of that I used to work in a butchery with some pretty gross dudes. So take that into consideration - these are from *someone else's* private collection of pickup lines I overheard one day at work.

"Oi, show us where ya piss from"

and

"Show me ya pink bits"


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 28, 2010)

Lol


----------



## leandroab (Jul 28, 2010)

scottro202 said:


> One I usually use is "Hey, what's up?"
> 
> I know, very trashy



That's not a pickup lin, that's usually how a conversation starts! hahaha

Mine is:

"Is your name ______ ? No? Cuz I thought that you we- Well fuck it, do you want to fuck?"


----------



## Neil (Jul 28, 2010)

ShadyDavey said:


> "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"


Fetilised?


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 28, 2010)

leandroab said:


> Mine is:
> 
> "Is your name ______ ? No? Cuz I thought that you we- Well fuck it, do you want to fuck?"


 hahahaha nice


----------



## Antimatter (Jul 28, 2010)

"Are you cingular, because you're raising my bar"


----------



## metal_sam14 (Jul 28, 2010)

"drop your knickers and show us your flippers!"


----------



## kittencore (Jul 28, 2010)

Are you getting tired yet because those weren't really mentos.


----------



## jaretthale78 (Jul 28, 2010)

"hey, u wanna come for a ride in my rickidy van?" 
-they usually go for it..or have to..w/e..


----------



## White Cluster (Jul 29, 2010)

These lines will pick you up


----------



## kittencore (Jul 29, 2010)

Ummm.... did you take that picure?


----------



## White Cluster (Jul 29, 2010)

Nope..googled it


----------



## renzoip (Jul 29, 2010)

Herb Dorklift said:


> Hey, wanna have sex with me in my car?



I used that one once and it did work. Granted, I was already dating the girl but still...


----------



## DrakkarTyrannis (Jul 29, 2010)

White Cluster said:


> These lines will pick you up


----------



## metal_sam14 (Jul 29, 2010)

DrakkarTyrannis said:


>



TYRONE!!


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 29, 2010)

kittencore said:


> Are you getting tired yet because those weren't really mentos.


 Oh my God that is soo wrong, but soo funny!


----------



## ToniS (Jul 30, 2010)

RUN.


----------



## CloudAC (Jul 30, 2010)

This thread is filled with so much win!


----------



## tacotiklah (Jul 30, 2010)

Some cheesy pickup lines that I've heard:

Guy: Did it hurt?
Girl: What?
Guy: When you fell from heaven....

some other favorites of mine:
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I can still make your bed rock.

You're aware that it isn't rape if you can't say no right?

Let's role play! I'll be Shaggy. Now lets head into that mystery machine and you can dine on my scooby snack.


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 31, 2010)

CloudAC said:


> This thread is filled with so much win!


 Yes it is!


----------



## fretninjadave (Jul 31, 2010)

Help I need Mouth to Dick Resuscitation



Hey ,later you wanna get a pizza and fuck..... "No"

What you dont like pizza ..?


That dress is becoming on you .
And if you were waring me I'd be cumming on you too.


----------



## vampiregenocide (Jul 31, 2010)

Oh I love it when girls give me pet names like 'no' and 'please god stop'.


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Jul 31, 2010)

hahahahaha. Pet names can be disturbing


----------



## Neil (Aug 1, 2010)

Bed rock is a classic


----------



## El Caco (Aug 1, 2010)

JohnIce said:


> Then there's the metric fuckton of dudes who'd come up to my ex and say: "Hey, you should be with me!"
> 
> I wonder if anyone has ever got laid by doing that...



That line got me married.


----------



## El Caco (Aug 1, 2010)

I have heard these old joke lines actually used

"Have you tripped over a tree stump?"

"No"

"How 'bout a root?"

and

"If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?"

Worst line ever used on me. I'm checking out a super hot girl at a nightclub, when a guy walks up to her so I go to the bar, next thing I know the guy buys me a drink and tells me that his cousin likes me, I go back to their table and after a bit of small talk the guy tells me his cousin is wild in the sack and I should fuck her


----------



## liamh (Aug 1, 2010)

^sounds like they wanted your kidney


----------



## Fzau (Aug 1, 2010)

s7eve said:


> Worst line ever used on me. I'm checking out a super hot girl at a nightclub, when a guy walks up to her so I go to the bar, next thing I know the guy buys me a drink and tells me that his cousin likes me, I go back to their table and after a bit of small talk the guy tells me his cousin is wild in the sack and I should fuck her


 
It wasn't their cousin, but that happened with me a few times before.
Pretty weird to say the least.. and why didn't the hot chick take action instead of her cousin, eh? Fear of rejection = instant turnoff.


----------



## Skyblue (Aug 1, 2010)

s7eve said:


> I have heard these old joke lines actually used
> "If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me?"


"My hovercraft is full of eels" 

I'm sorry, I couldn't resist


----------



## MFB (Aug 1, 2010)

s7eve said:


> That line got me married.



Remind me to never, EVER use that line then


----------



## Whiskey_Funeral (Aug 2, 2010)

Did you fart? Because you blew me away

I c`ant belive someone hasn't posted this one:

Are you from Tennessee? Cause you're the only TEN I see


----------



## TreWatson (Aug 2, 2010)

"I lost the key to my apartment, can i stay with you tonight?"


----------



## Antimatter (Aug 2, 2010)

TreKita said:


> "I lost the key to my apartment, can i stay with you tonight?"


 
Kind of like that: "I lost my number, can I have yours?"


----------



## soliloquy (Aug 2, 2010)

not the worst, but definatley one of the better ones:

'hey, i got the entire dictionary tattooed on my dick. how about we go over to my place and i put some words in your mouth'

and you meet a girl, say hi to her, and walk away. come back a few minutes later and say 'hey, i was playing the waiting game...how am i doing so far?'



also this long string of pickup line:
guy: "Hi, buy me a pizza?"
girl: "Excuse me?"
guy: "Buy me a pizza."
girl: "Buy you a pizza?"
guy: "Yeah Im really hungry and Im totally tapped out of cash and I know this great pizza place around the corner. And I was wondering if youd buy me a pizza?"
girl: "No are you crazy, Im not gonna buy you a pizza. I dont know if you know how this works but youre the one buying me a pizza."
guy: "Okay."
girl: "Okay what?"
guy: "Okay Ill buy you a pizza, all you had to do was ask."
girl: "Wait a minute, you just said that you were tapped out of cash."
guy: "I am, but its not everyday that beautiful girl, like yourself, asks a guy like me out to pizza. Trust me, Ill find a away to scrape up the money.'
girl: "Cute. Very cute. I never heard a pickup line that devious before. I may have to try it myself sometime."


----------



## vampiregenocide (Aug 2, 2010)

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 2, 2010)

Here's a good one formal meetin** girl walks up to a guy to shake his hand. "sorry my hands are full, would you shake my 3rd arm though


----------



## ittoa666 (Aug 2, 2010)

I have a lot of money and can spend any amount that I please. Gets em every time.


----------



## soliloquy (Aug 2, 2010)

so a man walks into a bar and sees a girl.
the girl tells the guy that shes looking for a guy who can treat her like a princess.
the guy thinks for a bit, then runs out, steals a mercedez, picks up the girl, and crashes the car under a bridge killing her...


----------



## ittoa666 (Aug 2, 2010)

soliloquy said:


> so a man walks into a bar and sees a girl.
> the girl tells the guy that shes looking for a guy who can treat her like a princess.
> the guy thinks for a bit, then runs out, steals a mercedez, picks up the girl, and crashes the car under a bridge killing her...



After much thought and deliberation, I still don't get it.


----------



## Konfyouzd (Aug 2, 2010)

"I've got a 12 inch tongue and I breathe through my ears."


----------



## Konfyouzd (Aug 2, 2010)

soliloquy said:


> so a man walks into a bar and sees a girl.
> the girl tells the guy that shes looking for a guy who can treat her like a princess.
> the guy thinks for a bit, then runs out, steals a mercedez, picks up the girl, and crashes the car under a bridge killing her...


----------



## soliloquy (Aug 2, 2010)

ittoa666 said:


> After much thought and deliberation, I still don't get it.




princess of wales...diana...no?


----------



## ittoa666 (Aug 2, 2010)

soliloquy said:


> princess of wales...diana...no?



Oh.......I was pretty young when that happened, and I really don't look into the details about things that don't interest me. I guess it's funny in a horribly black and morbid way.


----------



## Konfyouzd (Aug 2, 2010)

vampiregenocide said:


> Does this cloth smell of chloroform to you?


 
Dear god...


----------



## ittoa666 (Aug 2, 2010)

"Do you like sausage?"


----------



## tacotiklah (Aug 3, 2010)

soliloquy said:


> so a man walks into a bar and sees a girl.
> the girl tells the guy that shes looking for a guy who can treat her like a princess.
> the guy thinks for a bit, then runs out, steals a mercedez, picks up the girl, and crashes the car under a bridge killing her...




Man that's fucked up!  

I love it!


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 3, 2010)

soliloquy said:


> so a man walks into a bar and sees a girl.
> the girl tells the guy that shes looking for a guy who can treat her like a princess.
> the guy thinks for a bit, then runs out, steals a mercedez, picks up the girl, and crashes the car under a bridge killing her...


 Dude that's messed up! But I can't help but laugh at that one cause i have a warped sense of humor


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 3, 2010)

I would like to thank everyone for participating by posting your lines/ stories. This thread is " filled with so much win"


----------



## Antimatter (Aug 3, 2010)

soliloquy said:


> so a man walks into a bar and sees a girl.
> the girl tells the guy that shes looking for a guy who can treat her like a princess.
> the guy thinks for a bit, then runs out, steals a mercedez, picks up the girl, and crashes the car under a bridge killing her...


 
You bastard, I laughed at that


----------



## Fzau (Aug 3, 2010)

*Throws glass over girl*

Yeaaaah, you wet now baby?


----------



## Konfyouzd (Aug 3, 2010)

Fzau said:


> *Throws glass over girl*
> 
> Yeaaaah, you wet now baby?


 
Awesome.


----------



## Varcolac (Aug 3, 2010)

Fzau said:


> *Throws glass over girl*
> 
> Yeaaaah, you wet now baby?



Before you do this, have an ice cube in your glass. Crush the ice cube under the glass. 

"Well, that broke the ice."

Then throw your glass.

"And now you're clearly wet. My place or yours?"

Thirty per cent of the time, it works every time.


----------



## Fzau (Aug 3, 2010)

Ok, I'll come with you.. but I won't eat you out if you're on your period!

How's that for a sick pickup line? 

Or a guitar inspired one:

Hey, how bout I do the fingering and you do the sweeping?


----------



## leandroab (Aug 3, 2010)

Did you hear the world is going to end December 21th, 2012?

Let's fuck.


----------



## Fzau (Aug 3, 2010)

*Pretends to make a telephone call*

Admiral Ackbar, is this a trap?


----------



## Bungle (Aug 3, 2010)

Do you take it up the shitter?


----------



## soliloquy (Aug 3, 2010)

from how i met your mother:

guy walks into a bar. sees a girl looking at him and he says 
guy: yeah, i know what you're thinking. yup, i am that guy!
girl: huh? wait, what guy?
guy: you prolly know what i did and you may think i look familiar. but i'm the 9th guy on the moon. i climbed everest twice, i did this------ i did that ----------- blah blah blah
girl: really?! omg!
guy: heres my website *shows a website that he made himself of himself.


----------



## MorbidTravis (Aug 3, 2010)

You have nice boobs.


----------



## jaretthale78 (Aug 3, 2010)

Bungle said:


> Do you take it up the shitter?


----------



## Cabinet (Aug 3, 2010)

I actually carry around an acoustic all day and play different songs to attract different age groups. If I want an 18 year old with piercings I play Seaside by the Kooks. If I want 14 year olds with braces I'll play Hey There Delilah. They're on my nuts in an instant.


----------



## Bungle (Aug 3, 2010)

I am the master of the clit. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see clit, you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to. No one rules the clit like me. Not this little fuck [_point to a random guy_] none of you little fucks out there. I AM THE CLIT COMMANDER! Remember that, commander of all clits! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.


----------



## Cabinet (Aug 3, 2010)

Ay yo this guy said he'd fuck a sheep!


----------



## Bungle (Aug 3, 2010)

Smell my finger.



Cabinet said:


> Ay yo this guy said he'd fuck a sheep!


----------



## budda (Aug 3, 2010)

Varcolac said:


> Before you do this, have an ice cube in your glass. Crush the ice cube under the glass.
> 
> "Well, that broke the ice."
> 
> ...







Fzau said:


> Or a guitar inspired one:
> 
> Hey, how bout I do the fingering and you do the sweeping?





Here's one for if you got rejected:

when you ask for a dance and they say no, yell very loudly "WHAT?! 50$!" - my old boss passed on that sage advice, along with "if she's pretty but not 18, give her a quarter and tell her to call you when she's older" "but bob, it's 50 cents now" "well shit boys, guess you're screwed!" and if she's pushing a stroller "well, looks like someone beat ya to it!"


----------



## thegagebass (Aug 4, 2010)

"was you dad a chicken farmer, becouse you sure know how to raise a cock"

"was you dad a lumberjack, becouse i got wood"

"Did you just sit in a water puddle, or are you just happy to see me? "

"(when asked for your name) call me Mr. flinstone becouse i will make you bed rock"

"I may not be a astronuat but i can still probe uranus"

"If you were a dwarf, you'd probably say I got a big dick. "

"Give me a dollar and ill make you holler"


----------



## Evil7 (Aug 4, 2010)

^ someone didnt read the thread.. Half of those are posted already


----------



## thegagebass (Aug 4, 2010)

Evil7 said:


> ^ someone didnt read the thread.. Half of those are posted already


 
damn i hate getting to threads late


----------



## tacotiklah (Aug 4, 2010)

I just thought of this (paraphrasing the lyrics to AC/DCs The Jack)


"Baby your deuce is so wild, that my Ace is now high"


----------



## Fzau (Aug 4, 2010)

Cabinet said:


> I actually carry around an acoustic all day and play different songs to attract different age groups. If I want an 18 year old with piercings I play Seaside by the Kooks. If I want 14 year olds with braces I'll play Hey There Delilah. They're on my nuts in an instant.


 
Fuck that!  Whenever I carry around and play my guitar the only thing that draws near are hairy metalheads, and they sure don't need be on my nuts!


----------



## vampiregenocide (Aug 6, 2010)

'You're getting laid tonight'

'How do you know that then?'

'Because I'm stronger than you'


----------



## xiphoscesar (Aug 6, 2010)

"Is your name Gillete? Bc your the best a man can get!"


girl: horrible lol -_-


----------



## vampiregenocide (Aug 6, 2010)

Bungle said:


> I am the master of the clit. Remember this fucking face. Whenever you see clit, you'll see this fucking face. I make that shit work. It does whatever the fuck I tell it to. No one rules the clit like me. Not this little fuck [_point to a random guy_] none of you little fucks out there. I AM THE CLIT COMMANDER! Remember that, commander of all clits! When it comes down to business, this is what I do. I pinch it like this. OOH you little fuck. Then I rub my nose with it.


 
 Love that film.


----------



## ibanez254 (Aug 6, 2010)

I put the STD in STUD all I need is U.


guy:I've got a magic watch that says you have no underwear on.

girl: I do have my underwear on.

guy:Oh sorry, its 15 minutes fast.


----------



## E Lucevan Le Stelle (Aug 6, 2010)

I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 6, 2010)

E Lucevan Le Stelle said:


> I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.


 Oh Christ are you lady gaga?  LOL say it like they do in this video


----------



## SargeantVomit (Aug 6, 2010)

Girrrrrl you lookin' so good, I wanna jerk yer dad off just to see where you came from!


----------



## tacotiklah (Aug 7, 2010)

SargeantVomit said:


> Girrrrrl you lookin' so good, I wanna jerk yer dad off just to see where you came from!



A more vulgar but similar one I've heard:


"Man that bitch is so fine, I'd suck her daddy's dick in gratitude."


----------



## budda (Aug 7, 2010)

ibanez254 said:


> I put the STD in STUD all I need is U.
> 
> 
> guy:I've got a magic watch that says you have no underwear on.
> ...



oh my lord that is fantastic!


----------



## Wookieslayer (Aug 7, 2010)

"Got genital herpes?"

Her: "Um no!"

"Want 'em?!" ^_^


----------



## tacotiklah (Aug 7, 2010)

Wookieslayer said:


> "Got genital herpes?"
> 
> Her: "Um no!"
> 
> "Want 'em?!" ^_^




I've heard something similar....


Guy: Are you sure you don't have any (insert your own nationality here) in you?

Girl: No.

Guy: Do you want to?


----------



## SargeantVomit (Aug 7, 2010)

Hey baby can I smell your pussy?

Ugh fuck no!

Oh, must be your feet then.


----------



## nolow (Aug 7, 2010)

ghstofperdition said:


> A more vulgar but similar one I've heard:
> 
> 
> "Man that bitch is so fine, I'd suck her daddy's dick in gratitude."


 
LOL

dude; "did you fart"
girl; "no"
dude; "cos you blow me away"


----------



## Edika (Aug 7, 2010)

Skyblue said:


> "My hovercraft is full of eels"
> 
> I'm sorry, I couldn't resist



Just read this !!!

"I will not buy this record, it is scratched"


----------



## leandroab (Aug 7, 2010)

Dude: Very enjoyable night, isn't it?
Girl: Oh yeah...
Dude: Wanna fuck?


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 7, 2010)

leandroab said:


> Dude: Very enjoyable night, isn't it?
> Girl: Oh yeah...
> Dude: Wanna fuck?


 hahaha, nice one.


----------



## Antimatter (Aug 7, 2010)

vampiregenocide said:


> 'You're getting laid tonight'
> 
> 'How do you know that then?'
> 
> 'Because I'm stronger than you'


 
More like this please!


----------



## tacotiklah (Aug 7, 2010)

Antimatter said:


> More like this please!




I'll try my hand at it. Keep in mind I'm coming up with this randomly from the top of my head:



(you'll wanna say this at 9pm or sooner)

Guy: Did you hear about that horribly brutal rape on the 10:00 news this evening?
Girl: It hasn't been 10:00 yet.
Guy: Oh goddamn it! I just ruined all my plans for tonight....


----------



## Antimatter (Aug 7, 2010)

It needs some work.


----------



## leandroab (Aug 7, 2010)

Dude: Heey did you see that newest attempt to repair the ISS?
Girl: Yeah, I saw it on the news. Very risky.
Dude: Wanna fuck?


----------



## 4jfor (Aug 8, 2010)

"Hey, my name is <name>, but you can call me *slide phone number into her pocket* anytime"

One day, I will use this


----------



## Fzau (Aug 8, 2010)

4jfor said:


> "Hey, my name is <name>, but you can call me *slide phone number into her pocket* anytime"
> 
> One day, I will use this


 
I actually like this one 
If it's preceded by some form of non-verbal chemistry and done in a funny way this might even work.


----------



## vampiregenocide (Aug 8, 2010)

Hey babe how about you come back to mine and I show you why they call me the Miracle Man. I'll Nailbomb you so hard you'll be in a Cold Sweat and need a Painkiller afterwards.


----------



## Fzau (Aug 8, 2010)

vampiregenocide said:


> Hey babe how about you come back to mine and I show you why they call me the Miracle Man. I'll Nailbomb you so hard you'll be in a Cold Sweat and need a Painkiller afterwards.


 
They don't call me The Boss for nothing! I'll Piledriver you until you do the Rebel Yell! You can be my Mississippi Queen and I can use my Slow Hand, but only if you let me taste Mother's Milk.

Fucked up BKP sex


----------



## vampiregenocide (Aug 8, 2010)

Fzau said:


> They don't call me The Boss for nothing! I'll Piledriver you until you do the Rebel Yell! You can be my Mississippi Queen and I can use my Slow Hand, but only if you let me taste Mother's Milk.
> 
> Fucked up BKP sex


 
I was going to add those in but I wasn't quite sure how, I like your style.


----------



## leandroab (Aug 8, 2010)

vampiregenocide said:


> Hey babe how about you come back to mine and I show you why they call me the Miracle Man. I'll Nailbomb you so hard you'll be in a Cold Sweat and need a Painkiller afterwards.



I would finish her off with a Piledriver and then I would go Irish Tour on her ass... That would surely be a Stormy Monday for her.


----------



## silentrage (Aug 8, 2010)

Hey did you hear they stopped the oil leak?
Yeah, about time.

Wanna fuck?


----------



## Peekaboo_eeeeek (Aug 8, 2010)

.....seriously.... you guys need help.... 

....but... worst one ever: *approached by very fat,bald,sweaty, mid-30's guy in a nightclub who had just been flailing his arms around to a song*
*"hey gawjus - you look like one of my daughter's friends....how about I buy you a drink & we dance?"*  
.....I laughed at him, shook my head,and walked away. _He was bald after all_


----------



## avenger (Aug 8, 2010)

Peekaboo_eeeeek said:


> .....seriously.... you guys need help....
> 
> ....but... worst one ever: *approached by very fat,bald,sweaty, mid-30's guy in a nightclub who had just been flailing his arms around to a song*
> *"hey gawjus - you look like one of my daughter's friends....how about I buy you a drink & we dance?"*
> .....I laughed at him, shook my head,and walked away. _He was bald after all_


haha what pickup lines work on you? Because to me that seems like a solid one.

Actualy I had a decent one that kinda worked this weekend. Hammered at metal show headbanging etc. After band ends turn to girls beside me "oh shit I am sorry for the massive amounts of hair I probaly threw in your face tonight can I make it up to you by buying you girls a drink?" 

At first they were like aww its alright *hugs* then their boyfriends intercepted so I kind aleft ina hurry, but they found me later we chatted and I bought them several drinks and got numbers... boyfriends


----------



## Dan (Aug 8, 2010)

Peekaboo_eeeeek said:


> .....seriously.... you guys need help....




OR maybe you love it but you are too prude to show it , I know what you Scottish girls are like... believe me some of the worst chat up lines i have ever heard have come from scottish girls. For example:

Glasgow gig 2 years ago

Scottish Girl: Hey were you were the dude on stage playing guitar? This is your first gig up in Scotland isnt it?
Me: Yeah i was and it is why?
Scottish Girl: I was just wondering whether you want to visit some darker, wetter, tighter areas of Scotland?


True story


----------



## Fzau (Aug 8, 2010)

Plug said:


> OR maybe you love it but you are too prude to show it , I know what you Scottish girls are like... believe me some of the worst chat up lines i have ever heard have come from scottish girls. For example:
> 
> Glasgow gig 2 years ago
> 
> ...


 
What. The. Fuck. 



Peekaboo_eeeeek said:


> .....seriously.... you guys need help....


 
This is the WORST pickup line thread. We're just using our imagination, not using them in real situations..
At least some of us aren't.


----------



## silentrage (Aug 8, 2010)

I need to play out...

And... ^^^ OMG A GIRL!


----------



## pink freud (Aug 9, 2010)

Plug said:


> OR maybe you love it but you are too prude to show it , I know what you Scottish girls are like... believe me some of the worst chat up lines i have ever heard have come from scottish girls. For example:
> 
> Glasgow gig 2 years ago
> 
> ...



The reason that doesn't work is because isn't Scotland already 100% wet?


----------



## budda (Aug 9, 2010)

Plug said:


> OR maybe you love it but you are too prude to show it , I know what you Scottish girls are like... believe me some of the worst chat up lines i have ever heard have come from scottish girls. For example:
> 
> Glasgow gig 2 years ago
> 
> ...



I'm guessing she wasn't that attractive then.


----------



## leandroab (Aug 9, 2010)

Dude: *mumbles*
Girl: What did you say?
Dude: Wanna fuck?


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 10, 2010)

vampiregenocide said:


> Hey babe how about you come back to mine and I show you why they call me the Miracle Man. I'll Nailbomb you so hard you'll be in a Cold Sweat and need a Painkiller afterwards.


BARE KNUCKLE PICKUPS FOR THE WIN! That boss one was good too.


----------



## TreWatson (Aug 10, 2010)

leandroab said:


> I would finish her off with a Piledriver and then I would go Irish Tour on her ass... That would surely be a Stormy Monday for her.


seriously dude, I'll go so hard on her she'll think I'm a warpig.


----------



## Fzau (Aug 10, 2010)

I'd do a Nailbomb on that Black Dog as if I was an Apache doing the Rebel Yell! Hell, I'd even eat that Brown Sugar and drink that Mother's Milk. One thing's for sure on this Strormy Monday, a Painkiller won't help her.. she'll be a Crawler for the rest of her life.
Yeah, I'm a Country Boy Sinner.

I'll stop now


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 10, 2010)

Quagmire: Hey there, gorgeous. How old are you? 
Connie: 16
Quagmire: 18?
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I Like where this is goin'.

EDIT: Oops. This was meant for best pickup line.


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 10, 2010)

Dude: Do you have a boyfriend?
Girl: No...
Dude: Do you want one?
Girl: Yes. 
Dude: Well, when you want a manfriend, come find me.


----------



## leandroab (Aug 10, 2010)

Dude: Look at him *points*
Girl: What? *looks*
Dude: Now back to me
Girl: *looks*
Dude: Look at him again.
Girl: What the fu-
Dude: Now back to me. This glass in my hand is now diamonds. I'm on a horse.
Girl: *silence* 
Girl: Please fuck me hard.


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 10, 2010)

This pickup lines is better than John Petrucci's.

Pardon me, are you in heat?


----------



## Andromalia (Aug 10, 2010)

Guy: What's your name ?
Girl: "Aurélie"
Guy: YAR'LY


----------



## Peekaboo_eeeeek (Aug 10, 2010)

Plug said:


> OR maybe you love it but you are too prude to show it , I know what you Scottish girls are like... believe me some of the worst chat up lines i have ever heard have come from scottish girls. For example:
> 
> Glasgow gig 2 years ago
> 
> ...



LoL....hate to burst your bubble...but I'm not scottish. And certainly not a prude 

Generally, if I hear a really bad line, as long as it's done with humour, the guy can pull it off... hell, even if it's not done with humour I'll prob still laugh at him/it. Let's be honest - what would a guy using a really bad line prefer: a slap/kick, or someone to laugh at them & assume it wasn't serious 

Now when I have a bright orange, very drunk skank of a girl trying to use crappy chat up lines on me... _*THAT*_ is when it gets scary 

Edit: @ SIlentrage.....lol....yes, a girl. We do exist other than outside on-screen porn!!


----------



## Spondus (Aug 10, 2010)

Does 'brace yourself' count?


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 10, 2010)

These are all superb.

Male: Hey, I don't feel to good.
Female: Why?
Male: I feel like I have an elephant in my stomach.
Female: What?
Male (looking down): I think his truck is already sticking out.

"Hi, my name is Doug. That's 'God' spelled backwards with a little bit of you wrapped up in it."

"Did your father have sex with a carrot? Cause you've got nice eyes."


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 10, 2010)

At a loud club...
Dude: Tickle your pussy with a feather?
Girl? What?
Dude: I said, "Particularly nice weather!"



Peekaboo_eeeeek said:


> We do exist other than outside on-screen porn!!


 
Would any of these work on you?

"I have a .357 magnum pointed at your kidney. Wanna go get some coffee?"

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I have warts, so will you."

"Ever tried to poop into a toilet when there's someone sitting there with you? *nudge nudge*"

"I'd suck a fart out of your ass and hold it like a bong hit."


----------



## Peekaboo_eeeeek (Aug 10, 2010)

josh pelican said:


> Would any of these work on you?
> 
> "I have a .357 magnum pointed at your kidney. Wanna go get some coffee?"
> 
> ...



 
1. Depends....what kind of coffee? Starbucks or Costa? 

2.  + a slap & directions to the nearest chemist...

3. Eeiw....I can't even pee if other people are within hearing distance...so...pass 

4.  ....I repeat.... you need help lol.
Plus... chicks don't _fart_... farting is gross. We parp/pump/trump or "pass wind", bitch


----------



## silentrage (Aug 10, 2010)

OMG a real girl!


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 10, 2010)

Peekaboo_eeeeek said:


> 1. Depends....what kind of coffee? Starbucks or Costa?
> 
> 4.  ....I repeat.... you need help lol.
> Plus... chicks don't _fart_... farting is gross. We parp/pump/trump or "pass wind", bitch


You also quiff when I'm slamming the guts out of ya'.

What kind of coffee do you prefer? I'll get you two cups, but don't think I'm putting the gun away.


----------



## Wingchunwarrior (Aug 10, 2010)

I need your clothes, your boots and your pussy


----------



## silentrage (Aug 10, 2010)

Lmao /arnie voice : your clothes, give them to me.


----------



## Bungle (Aug 11, 2010)




----------



## thegagebass (Aug 11, 2010)

excuse me... have i fucked you yet?

Fancy a fuck?

id like to wrap yur legs around my head and use you like a feed bag?

you:Hi, do you want to have my children?
girl:no
you:OK then, can we just practice?

I'm gonna have sex with you tonight so, you might as well be there.

My name's [your name]That's so you know what to scream.

Nice socks. can I try them on after we have sex?

The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.


----------



## SargeantVomit (Aug 11, 2010)

Show me all your pussy.


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 11, 2010)

thegagebass said:


> The word of the day is legs. Let's go back to my place and spread the word.



WIN!


----------



## Varcolac (Aug 11, 2010)

thegagebass said:


> id like to wrap yur legs around my head and use you like a feed bag?





> "Tie me to your headboard. Throw your legs over my shoulders and let me wear you like a feedbag."





> "What's that?"
> 
> That is my purple wand, and my hairy sack of magic.
> 
> ...



Bill Hicks for the motherfucking win.


4:10 onwards, then 7:10


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 11, 2010)

"I hope you like anal."


----------



## blister7321 (Aug 11, 2010)

dude: excuse me can you help me with my phone 
any female: sure whats wrong
Dude: your number's not in it 

works everytime


----------



## soliloquy (Aug 11, 2010)

so, whats that one thing you say at a gay bar?

"can i push your stool in?''





you could always use that on a girl in a bar/pub as well.


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 11, 2010)

Varcolac said:


> Bill Hicks for the motherfucking win.
> 
> 
> 4:10 onwards, then 7:10



LMAO!


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 11, 2010)

Hey, baby. Wanna find out how stretch marks are formed?


----------



## vampiregenocide (Aug 11, 2010)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Turn off your phone
No one can help you.


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 11, 2010)

Not a pickup line, but a good line after a one night stand...

Roses are red,
Violets are blue...
It burns when I pee.
How about you?


----------



## Sofos (Aug 11, 2010)

my brother made this up on the spot
"Nice shoes, wanna fuck?"


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 11, 2010)

SoldiersOfFilth said:


> my brother made this up on the spot
> "Nice shoes, wanna fuck?"



No he didn't. That's extremely old.


----------



## Sofos (Aug 11, 2010)

then he lied to me. fucker. oh well, i got my lifetime worth of revenge when i pissed on his head when i was 4 from a balcony


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 11, 2010)

vampiregenocide said:


> Roses are red
> Violets are blue
> Turn off your phone
> No one can help you.


hahahaha duude, that's messed up!


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 11, 2010)

my friend kyle told me this one I laughed so hard 
"Your parents must be terrorists&#8230; cause you da BOMB!"


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 11, 2010)

or this but it's old
"Lets do a math sum, lets add me and you subtract our clothes divide ur legs and multiply"


----------



## tacotiklah (Aug 12, 2010)

Deathmetal94564 said:


> or this but it's old
> "Lets do a math sum, lets add me and you subtract our clothes divide ur legs and multiply"



That would make me actually like math.


----------



## 4jfor (Aug 12, 2010)

Maths ey?
"I wish I was cosine squared and you were sine squared, so that together we could be 1"

or potentially suggesting some 1/(cos(x))?


----------



## Spondus (Aug 12, 2010)

Awful.


----------



## Daemoniac (Aug 12, 2010)

vampiregenocide said:


> Roses are red
> Violets are blue
> Turn off your phone
> No one can help you.



 Dude, your "pickup lines" are equal parts disturbing and awesome.


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 12, 2010)

"Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"

"Earth woman, prepare to be probed!"

"You, me, here... this couldn't be any better if I programmed the holodeck myself!"

"Honey, you've been looking for love in Alderaan places..."


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 12, 2010)

Here's a combination of two pickup lines...

Roses are red,
Violets are blue...
Does this smell
Like chloroform to you?


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 12, 2010)

ghstofperdition said:


> That would make me actually like math.


 That's going to make ANYONE like math, I can't stand math.


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 12, 2010)

Deathmetal94564 said:


> That's going to make ANYONE like math, I can't stand math.


 
I'm not being obtuse, but you're acute girl.


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 12, 2010)

josh pelican said:


> I'm not being obtuse, but you're acute girl.



hahahaha good one, not one I'd use though


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 12, 2010)

These two usually work...

"Your face reminds me of a wrench... every time I think of it my nuts tighten up."

"Excuse me, but would you like an orally stimulated orgasm?"


----------



## Peekaboo_eeeeek (Aug 12, 2010)

josh pelican said:


> "Your mouth says, 'Shields up!', but your eyes say, 'A hull breach is imminent.'"
> 
> "Earth woman, prepare to be probed!"
> 
> ...



 ....would prob work on me...

More Star-Wars related pick up lines please


----------



## Arminius (Aug 12, 2010)

Screw me if I'm wrong, but have we met?


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 12, 2010)

Here's a few ones I found 

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
Hey, haven't I seen you before? I remember, it was in my dreams!
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
If you were a library book, I would check you out.
When I marry I wonder if God will be mad that I stole one of his angels.


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 12, 2010)

Peekaboo_eeeeek said:


> ....would prob work on me...
> 
> More Star-Wars related pick up lines please


 
You've just beamed me up.

Post pictures, please.

p.s.


----------



## LetheanShredRgd (Aug 12, 2010)

Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a footlong..


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 12, 2010)




----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 12, 2010)

LetheanShredRgd said:


> Do you work at Subway? Because you just gave me a footlong..


lol nice!


----------



## Peekaboo_eeeeek (Aug 12, 2010)

*Geeky pick-ups that will TOTALLY work, if you pick the right audience *

How can I know so many hundreds of digits of pi and not the digits of your phone number?

The volume of a generalized cylinder has been known for thousands of years, but you wont know the volume of mine until tonight.

Archimedes cried out eureka and ran around naked and filled with joy when he discovered that the volume of a solid can be determined by how much it displaces. Spend more time with me and you will do the same.


----------



## Dan (Aug 12, 2010)

Wow. That last one, just wow


See ive never gone wrong with 'You'll do' 

im a charmer what can i say


----------



## silentrage (Aug 12, 2010)

Peekaboo_eeeeek said:


> *Geeky pick-ups that will TOTALLY work, if you pick the right audience *
> 
> How can I know so many hundreds of digits of pi and not the digits of your phone number?
> 
> ...



What object is so big that it can fill up a blackhole?
Uh, nothing?
Nope, I have it right here, wanna see?


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 12, 2010)

Peekaboo_eeeeek said:


> *Geeky pick-ups that will TOTALLY work, if you pick the right audience *



Let's go to my place and divide by zero.


----------



## tacotiklah (Aug 12, 2010)

More star wars you say!?

( taken from this site: Funny Pick Up Lines: Star Wars Fan Funny Pick Up Lines )

Date, or date not -- there is no 'let's just friends be'.


If I said you had a mint first-edition, still-in-box action figure, would you hold it against me?
Your place or my Mom's?


I may look like an Ewok, but I'm all Wookie where it counts, baby.



And some non star wars stuff I found there too:


Don't worry honey, the only other woman in my life is Hillary. Not too much to worry about there.

I keep all of my most important poems and drawings in this little book. And I'd like you to have it because they're mostly about you.

Do you think I could borrow that dress/bustier sometime? (I splurted soda on my screen at this one)

How about you and me go back to my headstone and *ferment*...

You said you'd only date me over your cold, dead body. Pay up, honey.


----------



## Randy (Aug 13, 2010)

I like my women the way I like my coffee... ground up and in the freezer.


----------



## TreWatson (Aug 13, 2010)

"I have a weird trick for you, but there's money involved. bet you 20 bucks that I can touch your boobs and you won't feel it"

tried it once.

she totally didn't get it.

and I got past bra-town, by the way, I got pure flesh justice, if you will.

but yeah, she laughs and goes " ha ha i totally felt that! you owe me twenty bucks!"

i told her "i think i did it wrong, double or nothing?" 

and she goes "fine, i'm cool with taking your money =)"

and all i thought in my head was " I'm fine with touchin them titties too :3"


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 13, 2010)

ghstofperdition said:


> More star wars you say!?
> 
> ( taken from this site: Funny Pick Up Lines: Star Wars Fan Funny Pick Up Lines )
> 
> ...


 That wookie one made me die of laughter


----------



## josh pelican (Aug 19, 2010)

This one usually gets them wet (with fear): 
"That outfit would look great crumpled in a heap on unsolved mysteries..."

I used this on Leon (and it worked):
You're so good lookin' I'd drink your bath water.

This one worked on his girlfriend (and him):
I'd drag my balls through 200 yards off broken glass to kiss the dick that fucked you last.


----------



## EcoliUVA (Aug 19, 2010)

Randy said:


> I like my women the way I like my coffee... ground up and in the freezer.


 


I see what you did there.


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 19, 2010)

it's messed up! lol


----------



## Bungle (Aug 19, 2010)

I'd lick your ass while you were shitting.


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 19, 2010)

^ dude that's just gross. lol


----------



## Bungle (Aug 19, 2010)

Well, you've seen my avatar. Gross should be expected 

Actually, that's a pickup line right there: Bitch, I'm Roger Moore! *slap*


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 19, 2010)

hahahaha


----------



## Bungle (Aug 19, 2010)

Look at the shitter on that critter!


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 19, 2010)

lmfao


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 19, 2010)

Here's a good one, Give her a Mountain Dew and say Mounta Dew Me


----------



## tacotiklah (Aug 20, 2010)

(while looking a girl down)

I think Victoria just told me her secret......


----------



## All_¥our_Bass (Aug 20, 2010)

Peekaboo_eeeeek said:


> *Geeky pick-ups that will TOTALLY work, if you pick the right audience *
> 
> How can I know so many hundreds of digits of pi and not the digits of your phone number?
> 
> ...


Got any woman>man pickup lines? These are great, and if said geeky lady was decent, would probably work on me.



Randy said:


> I like my women the way I like my coffee... ground up and in the freezer.


I like my women the way I like my coffee-in a plastic cup!


----------



## xiphoscesar (Aug 20, 2010)

My dick died today, Can i bury it in your ass?


----------



## vampiregenocide (Aug 20, 2010)

I like my women how I like my lego, in pieces in a box until I want to play with them.


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 20, 2010)

vampiregenocide said:


> I like my women how I like my lego, in pieces in a box until I want to play with them.


HAHAHAHAHA that's messed up, but cool-ish in a weird way


----------



## Randy (Aug 20, 2010)

I like my women the way I like my rum... 12 years old and mixed up with coke.


----------



## Peekaboo_eeeeek (Aug 20, 2010)

All_¥our_Bass;2106717 said:


> Got any woman>man pickup lines? These are great, and if said geeky lady was decent, would probably work on me.



Maybe my sight&#8217;s going, but you&#8217;re the hottest guy I&#8217;ve seen all night!

You know, I have super powers: I'm invisible. (Really?) Can you see me? (Yes) How about tomorrow night?

If my right leg is the cell wall and my left the membrane, do you want to be the cytoplasm? 

How 'bout I slip into something more comfortable... like these STAR WARS RETURN OF THE JEDI pyjamas!


----------



## MFB (Aug 20, 2010)

"Say baby, you know the word 'woman' has the word 'man' in it right? So how bout you let me be in YOU tonight?"


----------



## TreWatson (Aug 20, 2010)

Hey baby, pardon me if I'm being *rotten*, but I've been watching you from across the club I want you *somethingawful*. i hope you don't think I'm *cracked* but maybe i can take you back to *myspace*, and i can *twitter* your *yahoo*, and I promise i won't *google* on your *facebook*, unless you're into that sorta thing. we can keep this quiet, just *youtube* and me, (though I'm sure my whole *list* of *buddies* would *Hi5* me because you're a catch.)


----------



## 7deadlysins666 (Aug 20, 2010)

"Girl, you so sexy.....I wanna pee in yo butt"

/thread


----------



## MFB (Aug 20, 2010)

Interesting, my "I've seen that on a t-shirt before" senses are suddenly tingling

Edit : I've been ninja'd, that was at Tre


----------



## TreWatson (Aug 20, 2010)

MFB said:


> Interesting, my "I've seen that on a t-shirt before" senses are suddenly tingling
> 
> Edit : I've been ninja'd, that was at Tre


 the "myspace...twitter your yahoo" part was.

the rest is all me homie


----------



## ittoa666 (Aug 20, 2010)

7deadlysins666 said:


> "Girl, you so sexy.....I wanna pee in yo butt"
> 
> /thread



You win.


----------



## Deathmetal94564 (Aug 20, 2010)

Randy said:


> I like my women the way I like my rum... 12 years old and mixed up with coke.


 Lmfao!


----------



## TreWatson (Aug 20, 2010)

Time to Drop the Bomb.

"I like my women like i like my men... with a penis"


----------



## Peekaboo_eeeeek (Aug 20, 2010)

TreKita said:


> Time to Drop the Bomb.
> 
> "I like my women like i like my men... with a penis"





....makes 2 of us


----------



## TreWatson (Aug 20, 2010)

Peekaboo_eeeeek said:


> ....makes 2 of us


nah, just one. 

...you.


----------



## Underworld (Aug 20, 2010)

OMG that last one is horrible!


----------



## Bungle (Aug 20, 2010)

You look so tense, are you sure you couldn't use a massage? On the inside?


----------



## Mexi (Aug 21, 2010)

i didn't realize people still used pickup lines


----------



## MorbidTravis (Aug 21, 2010)

Mexi said:


> i didn't realize people still used pickup lines


I just look at them and they already know im a guitarist for some local band with a 7 string guitar and they want to know more.


----------



## Randy (Aug 22, 2010)

You call that an ink defense?


----------



## vampiregenocide (Aug 22, 2010)

'Like my goggles?'

'Erm...yeah...why are you wearing goggles?'

'Pepper spray '


----------



## Randy (Aug 22, 2010)

A few classic nerd lines:

What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.

What&#8217;s your sine? It must be pi/2 because you&#8217;re the 1.

If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me: smooth or rough?

I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.


----------



## Randy (Aug 22, 2010)

Don't just stare at it... EAT IT!


----------



## moyersshred (Aug 22, 2010)

Bungle said:


> You look so tense, are you sure you couldn't use a massage? On the inside?



lmao that's classy.


----------



## leandroab (Aug 22, 2010)

Randy said:


> I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.



This is a good one. HAhaha


----------



## ittoa666 (Aug 22, 2010)

I have terminal cancer and I'm dying tomorrow. Lets have sympathy sex.


----------



## Bungle (Aug 23, 2010)

vampiregenocide said:


> 'Like my goggles?'
> 
> 'Erm...yeah...why are you wearing goggles?'
> 
> 'Pepper spray '


----------



## tacotiklah (Aug 24, 2010)

Would you like to see the world's biggest penis?


----------



## Cygnus (Aug 25, 2010)

Wanna take a sip from my man faucet?


----------



## soliloquy (Nov 3, 2010)

haha, here are some horrible pickup lines
The most funny pick up lines? | WhatPoll?


though i like this one:
excuse me. you see that guy down there thats waving at us *your wing man waving*
yeah, he's wondering if you think i'm cute


----------



## ROAR (Nov 3, 2010)

"Hi, do you like garlic?"
"Can I have your number, don't worry I'm gay."

Straight from my memories of Beauty and the Geek.


----------



## Daemoniac (Nov 3, 2010)

"Surprise!" [note: this only works if you're already naked.]


----------



## SirMyghin (Nov 3, 2010)

Not reading the whole thread but "Are your parents retarded, because you are so special"


----------



## metal_sam14 (Nov 3, 2010)

SirMyghin said:


> Not reading the whole thread but "Are your parents related, because you are so special"



Fixed


----------



## Daemoniac (Nov 3, 2010)

I think he meant retarded


----------



## GuitaristOfHell (Nov 3, 2010)

Interesting thread...hahaha.


----------



## SirMyghin (Nov 3, 2010)

metal_sam14 said:


> Fixed



Both work quite well.


----------



## GuitaristOfHell (Nov 3, 2010)

SirMyghin said:


> Both work quite well.


 Very true.


----------



## metal_sam14 (Nov 3, 2010)

Apparently you have to be from Tasmania to get incest jokes these days


----------



## SAWitall (Nov 4, 2010)

"hey girl you know your booty hella fat"


haha my black friend


----------



## Despised_0515 (Nov 4, 2010)

I don't need no pickup line... I've got the secret right here.







60% of the time, it works every time.
Cat's out the bag, boys.


----------



## Cabinet (Nov 4, 2010)

Ew it smells like a used diaper filled with...Indian food!


----------



## 4jfor (Nov 4, 2010)

My old rugby coach was Samoan. He was once telling us that the word in Samoan for fat and for like curvacious or something was the same. So in trying to pick up a girl he said, as if it was a compliment "You're nice and fat."


----------



## Malkav (Nov 4, 2010)

My favourite pickup line, which actually has worked once or twice - Hey, didn't we go to different schools together? 

It's confusing for them but at the same time funny, which leaves them vulnerable.

Also what you can do is grab a piece of ice from a glass or whatever and then walk up to them stand there looking slightly disgruntled and when they finally acknowledge you throw the ice on the floor and stand on it, follow this with "now that we've broken the ice, wanna fuck?"


----------



## leandroab (Nov 4, 2010)

Ibanez stock pickups.

*BA DUM TSSS*


----------



## Ketzer (Nov 8, 2010)

"Hey, baby. Do you wanna have sex or get raped?"

"Hey, baby. Don't plan on going home tonight, I've already stolen your keys."

"Hey, baby. I've got 2 things I'm gonna put inside you tonight, and only one of them is this knife."

"Hey, baby. I've got a mansion and a hot tub, but you won't make it that far."


"I like my women like I like my Whisky: 18 years old, Scottish, and full of alcohol."

ah... Memories. Too bad she was my sister's friend. It would have looked weird if I kept going over to her house and my sister stopped.


----------



## Varcolac (Nov 8, 2010)

Ketzer said:


> "I like my women like I like my Whisky: 18 years old, Scottish, and full of alcohol."



"I like my women the way I like my whisky: 12 years old and mixed with coke." 

"I like my women the way I like my coffee: ground up and stored in the freezer."

"I like my women the way I like my ____" jokes are just begging for bad taste.


----------



## Asrial (Nov 8, 2010)

Varcolac said:


> "I like my women the way I like my whisky: 12 years old and mixed with coke."
> 
> "I like my women the way I like my coffee: ground up and stored in the freezer."
> 
> "I like my women the way I like my ____" jokes are just begging for bad taste.


I like my women the way I like my vodka; Swedish, cheap, full of alcohol, easy to share and doesn't give a headache the next day.
Amidoinitrite?


----------



## Ketzer (Nov 8, 2010)

Varcolac said:


> "I like my women the way I like my whisky: 12 years old and mixed with coke."
> 
> "I like my women the way I like my coffee: ground up and stored in the freezer."
> 
> "I like my women the way I like my ____" jokes are just begging for bad taste.



Or just general hilarity.


I like my women the way I like my motorcycle. Ridden hard all night.

I like my women the way I like my coffee. Tall, Black, and Strong.

I like my women the way I like my coffee. Hot, Sweet, and Full of cream.

I like my women the way I like my guitars. Dirty, banged up, and fingered.

I like my women the way I like my last dog: Dead.

The first coffee one isn't mine. The others, I just came up with, but I'm sure they've been said before, or are any good.


----------



## soliloquy (Nov 8, 2010)

Malkav said:


> My favourite pickup line, which actually has worked once or twice - Hey, didn't we go to different schools together?
> 
> It's confusing for them but at the same time funny, which leaves them vulnerable.
> 
> Also what you can do is grab a piece of ice from a glass or whatever and then walk up to them stand there looking slightly disgruntled and when they finally acknowledge you throw the ice on the floor and stand on it, follow this with "now that we've broken the ice, wanna fuck?"



you could always ask 'do you know how much a polar bear weighs in at?' "umm...no...  " 'neither do i, but it sure broke the ice'


----------



## Ketzer (Nov 8, 2010)

soliloquy said:


> you could always ask 'do you know how much a polar bear weighs in at?' "umm...no...  " 'neither do i, but it sure broke the ice'



Wrong again!


"Do you know how much a polar bear weighs?

"Um... No?"

"Enough to break the ice!"


----------



## Goatchrist (Nov 8, 2010)

Hey lady! Want some AIDS?


----------



## Jeggs (Nov 9, 2010)

If I were to flip a coin, what are the chances of me getting head?


----------



## tacotiklah (Nov 10, 2010)

This is gonna be kinda lame, but I'll try to make one up on the fly:


"Wow, that's a loud voice you have. I'll just have to remember to bring extra duct tape when I come over tonight."


"Hey wanna come back to my place and just stand in my apartment the whole night?"
"Why?"
"Because I wanna tell my friends I had a one night stand with you."


----------



## JamesM (Nov 10, 2010)

Nice shoes! Let's fuck.


----------



## Randy (Nov 10, 2010)

Sharking makes a pretty good ice breaker.


----------



## avenger (Nov 10, 2010)

Randy said:


> Sharking makes a pretty good ice breaker.


 Ill have to try it this weekend.


----------



## Despised_0515 (Nov 10, 2010)

"Do y'know how much a polar bear weighs?"

"No, how much?"

"Enough to break the ice. I'm (your name here)."


----------



## petereanima (Nov 11, 2010)

"You know, one thing you have to do in life.....is to sit on my face and sing La-Bamba."

It didnt work.


----------



## GuitaristOfHell (Nov 11, 2010)

I have one though it may already be posted. This one generally works.
" Bond...James Bond." depending on how you say it it works. It makes them laugh and interested.


----------



## E Lucevan Le Stelle (Nov 11, 2010)

Randy said:


> A few classic nerd lines:



I wish I was DNA helicase so that I could unzip your genes.

/medschool


----------



## Trauty_MR (Nov 12, 2010)

Bit of family guy ftw...

"mmyy son.........would like.....to plow you........"

not really a pick up line but still pretty good!


----------



## GuitaristOfHell (Nov 12, 2010)

E Lucevan Le Stelle said:


> I wish I was DNA helicase so that I could unzip your genes.
> 
> /medschool


hell yes!



Trauty_MR said:


> Bit of family guy ftw...
> 
> "mmyy son.........would like.....to plow you........"
> 
> not really a pick up line but still pretty good!


----------



## Josh_Conlee (Nov 14, 2010)

"You must be a parking ticket, because you've got FINE written all over you"


----------



## GuitaristOfHell (Nov 14, 2010)

djent_tent said:


> "You must be a parking ticket, because you've got FINE written all over you"


 I may use that later hahaha


----------



## Josh_Conlee (Nov 14, 2010)

GuitaristOfHell said:


> I may use that later hahaha



Haha nice.....There's always "Come over and sit on my lap, we'll talk about the first thing that pops up." as well.


----------



## PyramidSmasher (Nov 14, 2010)

"Your boyfriend wont find out because I've murdered him in cold blood."


----------



## GuitaristOfHell (Nov 14, 2010)

PyramidSmasher said:


> "Your boyfriend wont find out because I've murdered him in cold blood."


 Oh my God! 

Or you could say
" Don't worry your boyfriend wont know because he's been dumped in the Atlantic when it was feeding time for the sharks"


----------



## GuitaristOfHell (Mar 1, 2011)

Bump! I got a good one. " You want to pump my shotgun?"


----------



## snowblind56 (Mar 1, 2011)

.


----------



## Encephalon5 (Mar 1, 2011)




----------



## -42- (Mar 2, 2011)

Ibanez stock pickup.


----------



## Stealth7 (Mar 2, 2011)

"Does this rag smell like chloroform?"

This isn't the worst.... It's the BEST!


----------



## Faine (Mar 2, 2011)

-42- said:


> Ibanez stock pickup.



hahahaha


----------



## Hemi-Powered Drone (Mar 2, 2011)

I wish i was your problem set, because then I'd be really hard, and you'd be doing me on the desk.
 Well milady, is there a looking glass in thine bodice, for I may surely see myself within its folds.
 You wouldn't happen to know where a knight could sheathe his sword for an evening, would you?
 Dost thou know? That chastity belt would look better on my bedroom floor.
If I were an enzyme, I'd be helicase so I could unzip your genes. (EDIT-Alternate of one earlier)

Yeah...My friends are nerds.


----------



## ry_z (Mar 2, 2011)

-42- said:


> Ibanez stock pickup.



I read the thread title and thought "EMG?"


----------



## JamesM (Mar 3, 2011)

"I killed your parents."

"There's a bomb in your uterus that will detonate unless my sperm penetrate its membranous lining and deactivate it."

(Both surprisingly effective).


----------



## GATA4 (Mar 3, 2011)

ninja'd


----------



## Asrial (Mar 3, 2011)

*Cry deeply with one girl*
Gets you a surprising amount of attention from the opposite gender.


----------



## GuitaristOfHell (Mar 5, 2011)

ry_z said:


> I read the thread title and thought "EMG?"


----------



## Hemi-Powered Drone (Mar 6, 2011)

"If I had a rocket launcher I'd blow you away."

The circumstances of it are creepy, my teacher said it to a student.


----------



## TheDjentlman (Mar 6, 2011)

I just shit my pants can I get into yours?


----------



## leandroab (Mar 6, 2011)

-42- said:


> Ibanez stock pickup.



JHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH


----------



## soliloquy (Nov 15, 2013)

i'm necro bumping this as some of this shit was hilarious!


----------



## -42- (Nov 15, 2013)

Hey babe, I'm no weatherman but you can be expecting a few inches tonight.


----------



## Rogueleader (Nov 15, 2013)

A chiseled,shirtless barbarian looking man roller skates past you as you enjoy a moderately priced traditional american hamburger meal in the outdoor section of a small trendy cafe directly adjacent to a busy sidewalk, a meal infused with thai flavors that only could have been conceived by an effeminate male with a double major in the culinary arts and gender equality studies from a small non traditional university somewhere in the pacific northwest. Roller skate brakes screech to a halt. A sensual halt. He slowly roller skates backwards. His chest is heaving with exertion. He notices you are drinking from a glass of water. He looks at the water intently with the hungry eyes of a panther. You didn't expect to have to take out your sexual assault prevention mace pepper spray until at least after dessert. But you reluctantly sigh as you reach into your purse. You try to sooth him so he cannot see the forthcoming attack by speaking calmly, like a safari hunter would as it approaches an injured lioness hiding in a tree.

"Heh, are you a glass half full or glass half empty kind of guy?"

He flings back his head and his wild mane flows in a breeze that seemingly appeared out of nowhere. He grabs the glass from your hand and crushes it between his pectorals and roars at you, spittle flying from his mouth, his right hand making crude phallic gestures, his left amputated at the wrist by the teeth of a sabertooth tiger. 

"THERE IS BUT ONE QUESTION! WHAT IS STEEL COMPARED TO THE HAND THAT WIELDS IT?"

He collects a small quantity of blood from the laceration on his pectoral caused by the crushing of glass on the tip of his finger and withdraws a blank piece of leather parchment from the damp confines of his loincloth. He writes his phone number on it and rolls it tightly, he lifts the top bun of your hamburger, removes the patty, swallows it in one bite and then seductively screams in berzerker rage,

"IF CROM IS WILLING THE MEAT YOU WILL BE CHEWING ON TONIGHT WILL BE SIGNIFIGANTLY MORE WELL DONE."

He replaces the hamburger with the scroll containing his phone number, replaces the top bun, and skates off into the distance. With trembling hands you reach for the leather parchment and unfurl it. 

He has forgotten the area code.


----------



## Church2224 (Nov 15, 2013)

"Hey girl, you 18? Let me pee in your butt!" 

No joke, my buddy tried that one...


----------



## AndruwX (Nov 15, 2013)

"Mi amor, hoy es día de sopa, así que ven y trae esa cuchara"
"Muchacha, estás mas buena que comer con las manos"
"Mami, si caminas como cocinas, dejame lamerte la cuchara"
"Mami como quisiera que fueras monte, pa' caerte a machete"
"Mami, quien fuera químico, pa' alcalinizarte los ácidos vaginales"
"Mami, quien fuera autobús, pa' que me agarres el tubo"
"Mi amor, te quiero como piscine e' campo, abierta y mojada"
"Mi amor, ¿por qué no trabajas en la aduana? Pa' que me revises éste paquete.

And many, many, many, more.


----------



## ilyti (Nov 16, 2013)

Worst pickup line? "You should get EMGs, they sound great"





Sorry. Very sorry.


----------



## tacotiklah (Nov 16, 2013)

AndruwX said:


> "Mi amor, hoy es día de sopa, así que ven y trae esa cuchara"
> "Muchacha, estás mas buena que comer con las manos"
> "Mami, si caminas como cocinas, dejame lamerte la cuchara"
> "Mami como quisiera que fueras monte, pa' caerte a machete"
> ...



Sorry to be "that person" but there is a forum rule on English being the language used here. 


Anyways, here's one that I've always loved:
"I'm a Flintstone, so let's go make my bed rock."


----------



## almostmatt1 (Nov 16, 2013)

I want to touch your belly button from the inside.


----------



## anunnaki (Nov 16, 2013)

almostmatt1 said:


> I want to touch your belly button from the inside.



was just gonna post this but in the form "You ever had your bellybutton tickled? How about from the inside?"


----------



## flint757 (Nov 17, 2013)

Just saw this one. 

Guy: I wish you were my little toe.
Girl: What?
Guy: Because I would like to bang you on every piece of furniture.


----------



## HUGH JAYNUS (Nov 17, 2013)

Hey bitch, lets ..... 

My buddy used that and it worked


----------



## TheWarAgainstTime (Nov 17, 2013)

DAMN GIRL, YOU SHIT FROM THAT ASS??

Are those space pants? Because your ass is out of this world


----------



## sniperfreak223 (Nov 17, 2013)

Do song lyrics count? if so, then this one takes the cake:

"you've got a pussy. I have a dick. So what's the problem? Let's do it quick"


----------



## BIG ND SWEATY (Nov 17, 2013)

TheWarAgainstTime said:


> DAMN GIRL, YOU SHIT FROM THAT ASS??


 this is glorious


----------



## AndruwX (Nov 18, 2013)

ghstofperdition said:


> Sorry to be "that person" but there is a forum rule on English being the language used here.
> 
> 
> Anyways, here's one that I've always loved:
> "I'm a Flintstone, so let's go make my bed rock."



Ok, English Versions then.
*PLEASE READ THIS WITH A STRONG CUBAN/PUERTO RICAN ACCENT, YOU'RE ADVISED"

"My love, today's soup day, so come here with ya' spoon"
"Senorita you are hotter than eating pizza with bare hands"
"Mami, if you walk the way you cook, let me lick that soup"
"Mami, I wish you were grass, so I could use my machete with you"
"Mami, I wish I were a chemical so I could make a reaction with you"
"Mami, I wish I were a bus, so you would sit over me"
"My love, I love you as I love my pool, wet and ready"
"Mi amor, why don't you work for the airport? So you can check this bomb"

DAAAMN


----------



## icos211 (Nov 18, 2013)

"I'm the tongue wrestling world champion. Want a shot at the title?"

"Hey girl, I'm gonna flip this coin and you give me whatever it lands on."

"I forgot your name, why don't you come back to my place so I can practice screaming it all night long."


----------



## AliceLG (Nov 19, 2013)

Actually heard it from a way-too-drunk friend:

"Hey big tits, wanna dance?"
"No you prick!"
"Ok, wanna fvck then?"

Sadly it didn't work. She did have big tits.

One that I used once, and actually worked, but hasn't ever since, so YMMV:

(Approach a cute girl at a bar, proceed with a very respectful tone)
"I'm sorry but I do not think it is a good idea for us to sleep with each other tonight."

That time it worked, she said "Well why the hell not?"
Every single time after: "Me either creep"



AndruwX said:


> "Mi amor, hoy es día de sopa, así que ven y trae esa cuchara"
> "Muchacha, estás mas buena que comer con las manos"
> "Mami, si caminas como cocinas, dejame lamerte la cuchara"
> "Mami como quisiera que fueras monte, pa' caerte a machete"
> ...



We do have all the classy ones, but they're a bitch to translate


----------



## Thrashmanzac (Nov 19, 2013)

Worst as in most offensive?
It's gotta be my all-time favorite pick-up line:

"My dick just died, can I bury it in your asshole?"


----------



## Pooluke41 (Nov 20, 2013)

"Do you like anal? (´&#65381;&#969;&#65381;`)"


----------



## wilch (Nov 20, 2013)

orb451 said:


> One that actually worked for me one night I was shooting pool with some friends, table next to us was all girls playing, smiles, laughing, not a lot of conversation though between us. So I see they're leaving, I walk over to one of them and say:
> 
> "I don't usually do this, but if you're interested, and want to shag, meet me outside in 15 minutes".
> 
> ...



You know, I was reading this picturing some kind of early 20 something, and I thought to myself, "yeah. Plausible. "

Then you said "cougar" And the image instantly turned into Betty White (ewww!), and then I thought to myself again, "yeah. Plausible. "

Lol


----------



## no_dice (Nov 21, 2013)

AndruwX said:


> "Mami, I wish you were grass, so I could use my machete with you"



That one's a little creepy.


----------



## Deadnightshade (Nov 21, 2013)




----------



## tacotiklah (Nov 22, 2013)

Just saw this one on facebook and spent the next few minutes giggling at how bad it is:
Hey girl, are you dutch because you be lookin' AmsterDAMN!


----------



## ZeroS1gnol (Nov 22, 2013)

In a very drunk state I once said to a girl: "Do you like rabbits"?

She said yes and shortly after we were in relationship for seven years...


----------



## DoomJazz (Nov 23, 2013)

Nice shoes, wanna bang?


----------



## remorse is for the dead (Nov 24, 2013)

My friend told me today that some dude used this one on her:
"Has anyone told you, you make J.lo, look like Lil' Wayne?" ...


----------



## JoshuaVonFlash (Nov 24, 2013)

Church2224 said:


> "Hey girl, you 18? Let me pee in your butt!"
> 
> No joke, my buddy tried that one...


Well......did it work.


----------



## DoomJazz (Nov 24, 2013)

"Hey! I'm Drew! Are you a Cancer? I'm a Student! Those are both things! We should go out!"


----------



## BlackMastodon (Nov 25, 2013)

Some guy used this one on my friend when we were out for Halloween:
"You're pretty cute for a girl with down's syndrome."

It didn't get very far past that.


----------



## no_dice (Nov 25, 2013)

BlackMastodon said:


> Some guy used this one on my friend when we were out for Halloween:
> "You're pretty cute for a girl with down's syndrome."
> 
> It didn't get very far past that.


----------

