# Former Attack Attack! Bassist John Holgado is the Stupidest Human Being Ever



## Hachetjoel (Dec 19, 2014)

Former Attack Attack! Bassist John Holgado is the Stupidest Human Being Ever - MetalSucks

I thought this was pretty good, I know it's old but I was in tears.


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## BrailleDecibel (Dec 19, 2014)

Ahh yes, this is gold...I changed my Disqus username a few weeks back to TheGhostofJohnHolgado'sPuppy in homage to this article. 


EDIT: Complete with avatar:


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## Esp Griffyn (Dec 19, 2014)

I lost a few brain cells reading that!


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## TheHandOfStone (Dec 19, 2014)

Oh fvck I'd forgotten about this.


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## gunch (Dec 19, 2014)




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## Emperor Guillotine (Dec 19, 2014)

I couldn't even make it through. I just didn't understand any of it. Context please?

Oh f*ck it... What the f*ck was that guy rambling about?


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## rokket2005 (Dec 19, 2014)

"I think, therefore I am. You are what you think. Also im not homosexual." - René Descartes


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## Darknut (Dec 19, 2014)

Don't know who I feel worse for, the kid the article was written about or the guy writing the article. I don't even think the kid thought his statements through as much as that dude writing the article did, lol. I don't blame him for writing the article though, I suppose getting inside the mind of a kid like that would be.. a weight on the mind to say the least.. Twas a bit merciless, but hey, when you're a metal journalist I guess you've got time to do anything!  Funny shit.


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## Zado (Dec 19, 2014)




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## ChubbyEwok (Dec 19, 2014)

I lost it at "Well thank Christ your first chapter is first." 

Seriously, that whole thing was too funny!


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## lemeker (Dec 19, 2014)

You can't script comedy that good!!!


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## Slunk Dragon (Dec 20, 2014)

So fact is/was/possibly or stranger to fiction, but it was the truth. Also I'm not homosexual.

/Holgado




Good lord, thank you for that barrel of laughs!!!


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## Forrest_H (Dec 20, 2014)

Big words don't make you sound smarter


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## Ibzzus (Dec 20, 2014)

The guy is spilling his guts out, sure his grammar is retarded and sure his band sucks balls but I kinda feel his pain. Don't kick him when he is down or put salt on his wounds. His post was cringe worthy enough to make him regret posting it, someone who is going through a phase of depression doesn't deserve to be ridiculed.


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## Chokey Chicken (Dec 20, 2014)

I remember reading that a little while ago. It's more sad than anything. The guy's clearly depressed and struggling with his sexuality. Such a strange, and poorly written, thing to write just because you're leaving a band.


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## McKay (Dec 20, 2014)

meh


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## JustMac (Dec 20, 2014)

Uh This just perpetuates my ever-confusing love/hate feelings towards MetalSucks 


Also, I'm not a homosexual.


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## Lifestalker (Dec 20, 2014)

You've got to be kidding me. I've been further even more decided to use even go need to do look more as anyone can. Can you really be far even as decided half as much to use go wish for that? My guess is that when one really been far even as decided once to use even go want, it is then that he has really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like. It's just common sense.


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## BucketheadRules (Dec 20, 2014)

SHONO LIVES!


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## thedonal (Dec 20, 2014)

No idea who Attack are/were*, but that was magic. 

Was he the band lyricist? 

*we're?


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## asher (Dec 20, 2014)

rokket2005 said:


> "I think, therefore I am. You are what you think. Also im not homosexual." - René Descartes



P.S., I am not a crank.


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## Cnev (Dec 20, 2014)

With a modicum of brain power it's pretty obvious what the dude was trying to express. Reading that reminded me of some bully grade-schooler who starts trashing some random "different" kid when his friends are around so he looks cool and superior.

I honestly can't believe someone published an entire article for the sole purpose of making fun of someone. It's pretty pathetic, really.


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## wankerness (Dec 20, 2014)

Cnev said:


> With a modicum of brain power it's pretty obvious what the dude was trying to express. Reading that reminded me of some bully grade-schooler who starts trashing some random "different" kid when his friends are around so he looks cool and superior.
> 
> I honestly can't believe someone published an entire article for the sole purpose of making fun of someone. It's pretty pathetic, really.



The guy's original post is a huge WTF and I would be morbidly entertained by reading it, but when it's broken up every sentence by some TOTALLY RUTHLESS guy from METALSUCKS posting a reaction image or a snarky sentence "lol this guy is retarded lol" it makes their site look worse than the bassist in question.


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## oracles (Dec 20, 2014)

Despite being riddled with grammatical errors and reading quite poorly, I can't help but feel for him. Dealing with depression isn't an easy thing, and he's obviously struggling with it, and trying to get his head around his own sexuality which can be incredibly hard as well. It's a really dick move to post an article trashing him when he's pouring his heart out as best he can.


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## Alex Kenivel (Dec 20, 2014)

Some people just aren't good with words, and when they can't communicate their feelings clearly, it's even harder to speak. Maybe the guy has Aspergers.

Nothing about that was funny


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## Galeus708 (Dec 20, 2014)

Alex Kenivel said:


> Nothing about that was funny



I guess we'll have to agree to disagree, because I find someone ending a very long and heartfelt (if poorly worded) confession piece with "You are what you think. Also im not homosexual" ....ing hilarious.


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## Mprinsje (Dec 20, 2014)

damn, this article is from 2 years ago?


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## tacotiklah (Dec 20, 2014)

Taco is dog that whistled while green. Also I'm not homosexual. (okay, I lied about that. Sue me.  )

/Holgado


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## Dusty Chalk (Dec 20, 2014)

Not that there's anything wrong with that. And for those of you not familiar with attack attack, here is their most famous song -- crabcore, with a disco breakdown in the middle:



Also, confession time: I kind of dig it.

Also, I believe there is Christian content, which is why homosexual insecurity might figure so highly in his depression. It shouldn't, but it affects so many young people, I had to throw it out there.


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## scottro202 (Dec 20, 2014)

Ok.... Maybe I've had a bit too much to drink tonight. But, please tell me he was attempting to speak English there. That WAS English, right?


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## tacotiklah (Dec 20, 2014)

That was the language of the Holgado.


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## AxeHappy (Dec 21, 2014)

scottro202 said:


> Ok.... Maybe I've had a bit too much to drink tonight. But, please tell me he was attempting to speak English there. That WAS English, right?



No. The words were mostly English but the grammar and sentence syntax and sentence structure doesn't even remotely approach English. 

Maybe if we bag on people when they write shit like this people will stop sucking at English so much?


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## JustMac (Dec 21, 2014)

So, fast forward to almost-2015, what happened to this guy then? Can't find much info, and after reading that story I'm engrossed. I want to see where this riveting tale went!


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## KFW (Dec 21, 2014)

Reading that is honestly kind of disturbing. Wuuuut.


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## MikeH (Dec 21, 2014)

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 13TH, 2012 AT 12:00PM BY AXL ROSENBERG


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## Chokey Chicken (Dec 21, 2014)

MikeH said:


> THURSDAY, DECEMBER 13TH, 2012 AT 12:00PM BY AXL ROSENBERG



People are aware it's old, if'n that's your point. In fact, in op:



> I thought this was pretty good, I know it's old but I was in tears.


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## Jackzaa (Dec 21, 2014)

This has been popping up in my life at random intervals for the last couple of years, and it's always welcome.

It's what I imagine blind people must experience when they attempt to read Braille in butter-coated gloves.


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## Emperor Guillotine (Dec 21, 2014)

This is why there needs to be a "pass high school" test for everyone wanting to be in a band. Too many kids dropping out just to pursue their pipe-dreams of "being a rockstar". And what happens?...you end up being ridiculed on large metal sites.


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## Hachetjoel (Dec 22, 2014)

JustMac said:


> So, fast forward to almost-2015, what happened to this guy then? Can't find much info, and after reading that story I'm engrossed. I want to see where this riveting tale went!



He's actually in college now, he got his G.E.D. and is going to a community college.


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## Smoked Porter (Dec 22, 2014)

Emperor Guillotine said:


> This is why there needs to be a "pass high school" test for everyone wanting to be in a band. Too many kids dropping out just to pursue their pipe-dreams of "being a rockstar". And what happens?...you end up being ridiculed on large metal sites.



I know you're probably just ....ing around, but man, would we ever miss out on a lot of good music if being scholarly was actually a requirement.


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## Defi (Jan 9, 2015)

I'm late to this, but I love how the author of the article pulls hard on the reigns when homosexuality enters the picture. Like... "K tear him apart heeeere, and heere, and WHOA, nope, can't touch that cause I'm a very open minded, liberal, and understanding human. Aaaand then tear him apart here aaand heeere because these aren't common topics of controversy today therefore are totally the individual's and not the circumstances' fault..."


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## Mprinsje (Jan 10, 2015)

Hachetjoel said:


> He's actually in college now, he got his G.E.D. and is going to a community college.



Good for that guy


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## CaptainD00M (Jan 10, 2015)

Wow, not only is this old but I'm late to the necro-bump fest.

Anyway, go him for being in Collage now, but I have to say that post on Metal Sucks had me hurting from how hard I laughed.

I'm a TA and Type editor for the head of a faculty, I also moonlight as an editor for peoples doctoral thesis work. I regularly type edit for Germans, Chinese, Dutch and Indonesian colleagues&#8230; the reason why I say this is because I've seen some 'interesting' sentences that purport to be in the English language.

But that&#8230;

That blew my mind.

Which was then blown again but just how much Auto-Tune and Pop-dance music was in the breakdown of that song that Dusty Chalk posted.


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## Konfyouzd (Jan 10, 2015)

Man I couldn't read all that.


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## wankerness (Jan 10, 2015)

CaptainD00M said:


> Which was then blown again but just how much Auto-Tune and Pop-dance music was in the breakdown of that song that Dusty Chalk posted.



I like that song. It seems to be fully aware of how silly it is (and I love that it's named after a Nickelodeon character) and the trance breakdown is SO silly that it becomes awesome. I don't mind auto-tune in such a weird, artificial context where there's never any remote chance that it's being used to fix bad vocals or help a singer hold notes that they can't. I haven't heard the rest of the album but based on the song titles I'm guessing it's similarly ridiculous. I laughed so much the first few times I watched that video; that genre name was spawned entirely based off of the silliness of the poses used in that video.


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## The Q (Jan 10, 2015)

I feel bad for the guy. I had no idea who he is, what his music is and what his band was, but all I'm seeing is someone that's struggling with personal issues who has no help in dealing with them and one that's not good with words. I don't know if he's an idiot as A.R. suggests or simply superficial enough to not have given his article a second go at it or even reconsideration before posting it, but I don't think that this warrants this kind of treatment.

Honestly, even though I laughed with the completely out of place "I'm not a homosexual" at the end, I'm seeing a person that exhibits issues and phobias that may not be his fault to begin with (one could say, parents?).


This is not a sentiment I share about Axl Rosenberg who comes out as a bully on this one, compiling a tiring article while offering nothing useful to boot. Oh and also Kerry Burger King who deserves every flak he gets.


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## CaptainD00M (Jan 10, 2015)

wankerness said:


> I like that song.... I laughed so much the first few times I watched that video; that genre name was spawned entirely based off of the silliness of the poses used in that video.



Meh fair enough man. Lets be realistic here, music really is in the ear of the beholder, so if it flicks your switch then who am I to say.

I guess if I was aware of the context/kept more abreast of internet memes and metal trends, maybe it would be funnier or I would appreciate it in another way Maybe.

While I also agree that Auto Tune isn't inherently bad, I wasn't really expecting such a full frontal assault of Disco and Auto tune in a genre of music I already struggle to wrap my head around and even remotely appreciate.

Anyway, carry on with your crustacean love


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## OmegaSlayer (Jan 10, 2015)

That was bad, on Metalsucks part.
This is the kind of guy who would suicide after being ridicolized this way.
This guy needs help, not a dick with too much spare time.


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## Dwellingers (Jan 12, 2015)

Reminds me of the Dyland Rushkin press release a couple of years ago when Brain Drill lost a couple of members ...? Funny thing in its own right. 

Feeling both sad and amused at the same time.


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## Cbutler (Jan 12, 2015)

granted, i never liked attack attack, (or how they treated my small towns venue) but i dont quite think making fun of idiots is that funny 
lets go back to ripping on douches that really deserve it.... vik lucas mann etc


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## octatoan (Jan 12, 2015)

rokket2005 said:


> "I think, therefore I am. You are what you think. Also im not homosexual." - René Descartes



I breathed a handful of rice accidentally.


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