# Ask Jeff



## JeffFromMtl (Mar 24, 2012)

Yes, I'm opening myself up to this. Being the beacon of truth and knowledge that I am, I have decided to share the wealth. Here, you present me with your queries, quandaries, questions, reservations and doubts about anything at all and I shall point you toward enlightenment and absolute truth.

_

*I can in no way guarantee the accuracy of any statements I make or the soundness of any advice I give. Godspeed!_


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## Cabinet (Mar 24, 2012)

Who is your favorite pony from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
And if you say Fluttershy you are totally not coming to my birthday party this year.


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## Hollowway (Mar 24, 2012)

If you're in a car traveling the speed of light, and you turn your headlights on, will they do anything?


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 24, 2012)

Cabinet said:


> Who is your favorite pony from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
> And if you say Fluttershy you are totally not coming to my birthday party this year.



The only "My Little Ponies" that I'm familiar with are the ones that made an appearance on Robot Chicken's "My Little Pony: Apocalypse Pony". As such, I would have to go with Death Pony, for he is gr1m and tr00. Pestilence Pony is a close second for the best name and slight alliteration.


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 24, 2012)

Hollowway said:


> If you're in a car traveling the speed of light, and you turn your headlights on, will they do anything?



They would absolutely. I can't say that they would illuminate the path ahead, however they would at the very least still be capable of illuminating themselves. This may not help the conductor of said vessel, but could serve as a warning to oncoming traffic.


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## Cabinet (Mar 24, 2012)

JeffFromMtl said:


> The only "My Little Ponies" that I'm familiar with are the ones that made an appearance on Robot Chicken's "My Little Pony: Apocalypse Pony". As such, I would have to go with Death Pony, for he is gr1m and tr00. Pestilence Pony is a close second for the best name and slight alliteration.


I'm just gonna mark that down as Rainbow Dash
Good choice, brostadamus.


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## Hollowway (Mar 24, 2012)

I have another question, should my fat alcoholic uncle, Mr. Will Power, start going by Bill, since he's fat and alcoholic?


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 24, 2012)

Hollowway said:


> I have another question, should my fat alcoholic uncle, Mr. Will Power, start going by Bill, since he's fat and alcoholic?



Yes, he absolutely should. Under the assumption that he lives in America, he stands a chance of being sued for false advertising otherwise.


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## Fiction (Mar 24, 2012)

Oh wise Jeff, from Montreal, Which came first? The Chicken *or* the Egg.


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 24, 2012)

Fiction said:


> Oh wise Jeff, from Montreal, Which came first? The Chicken *or* the Egg.



The "chicken". One could only assume that the organism that would eventually evolve into "chicken" as we know it, once complex enough to do so, simply started laying eggs as a means of giving birth, whether this organism was already classified as "chicken" or otherwise. As such, its existence must have long preceded that of the egg.


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## brynotherhino (Mar 24, 2012)

Oh Wise Jeff from Montreal, if a solipsist falls in the forest and dies are we?


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## Thep (Mar 24, 2012)

When will djent die, and how can I make it happen faster?


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## tacotiklah (Mar 24, 2012)

Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot, that even He Himself could not eat it?


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 24, 2012)

brynotherhino said:


> Oh Wise Jeff from Montreal, if a solipsist falls in the forest and dies are we?



It depends entirely on who said solipsist is in relation to the first person. If the solipsist _is_ the first person, then the answer is no, we are not. If the solipsist is anyone other than the first person, then I'd say we needn't be too concerned.


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## leandroab (Mar 24, 2012)

Você sabia que o sabiá sabia assoviar? E que os tres tigres tristes comiam tres pratos de trigo?


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 24, 2012)

Thep said:


> When will djent die, and how can I make it happen faster?



Considering that deathcore, the last big trend in heavy music, seemed to reach the end of its shelf life in about 6-7 years, I would measure the projected lifespan of the current trend with the same stick. 

The simplest way to kill anything that is dependent of humans for its survival, whether that thing is a child, a pet goldfish or an art form, is through neglect.


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## leandroab (Mar 24, 2012)

Poutine, eh?


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 24, 2012)

ghstofperdition said:


> Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot, that even He Himself could not eat it?



The only Jesus I know well enough to comment on is the one that works in the kitchen at Carlos and Pepe's on Peel. He does not use a microwave to cook his burritos, because that would be "inauthentic". However, he does have a particularly sensitive mouth, and has a propensity for burning his tongue on hot food due to impatience.


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 24, 2012)

leandroab said:


> Você sabia que o sabiá sabia assoviar? E que os tres tigres tristes comiam tres pratos de trigo?



Obviamente.



leandroab said:


> Poutine, eh?



Yes: La Banquise - Poutine


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## Rick (Mar 24, 2012)

Who killed JFK?


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 24, 2012)

Rick said:


> Who killed JFK?



Hitler.


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## Prydogga (Mar 24, 2012)

Can the monorail outrun the flash?


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## Prydogga (Mar 24, 2012)

Can Superman outrun the flash?


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## Hollowway (Mar 25, 2012)

Prydogga said:


> Can the monorail outrun the flash?



Jeff is obviously far wiser than I, as I was only able to find this:


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## BlackMastodon (Mar 25, 2012)

1. What happened to Meshuggah re: their latest album?
2. Where is the clitoris?


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 25, 2012)

Prydogga said:


> Can the monorail outrun the flash?





Prydogga said:


> Can Superman outrun the flash?



Nothing can outrun the flash. As evidenced already, he is also a dangerous tool in the hands of all but the most expert photographers.



BlackMastodon said:


> 1. What happened to Meshuggah re: their latest album?
> 2. Where is the clitoris?



1. I haven't listened to the new album yet, but I expect it to make a mess in my pants.

2. Look at the vagina as a boat. It's the little man in the bow.


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## TRENCHLORD (Mar 25, 2012)

JeffFromMtl said:


> Look at the vagina as a boat. It's the little man in the bow.


 
Is he the one who's always yelling "I'm king of the world!!!" ?


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 25, 2012)

TRENCHLORD said:


> Is he the one who's always yelling "I'm king of the world!!!" ?



There _is_ one documented case of a "Jack Dawson" making such a scene at the bow of a particularly large boat in early April of 1912.

I, however, consider myself lucky to have never encountered a boat that large or a "passenger" that bold.


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## gunshow86de (Mar 25, 2012)

Oh wise Jeff, when will the new Wintersun album be released?


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 25, 2012)

gunshow86de said:


> Oh wise Jeff, when will the new Wintersun album be released?



If they knew what was good for them, they'd release it with the first winter sun _on_ the winter solstice, the morning of Decemeber 21st.

But because they're not juggernauts of marketing genius like I am, it will be released in September.


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## Faine (Mar 25, 2012)

Hey Jeff, has anyone really been far as decided
To use even go want to do look more like?


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 25, 2012)

Faine said:


> Hey Jeff, has anyone really been far as decided
> To use even go want to do look more like?



Hardly.


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## tacotiklah (Mar 25, 2012)

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if rick santorum was president?


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## TRENCHLORD (Mar 25, 2012)

ghstofperdition said:


> How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if rick santorum was president?


 
See there you go on my guy again .

Well then here's another one;
What is the greatest distance at which you can still tell the difference visually between Santorum and Seinfeld without binaculars telescope ect..

I've done some comparing it's a good laugh.

edit; current Jerry, not when he was younger on the show.


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## HeHasTheJazzHands (Mar 25, 2012)

Can you believe that its not butter?


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## TRENCHLORD (Mar 25, 2012)

HeHasTheJazzHands said:


> Can you believe that its not butter?


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## VILARIKA (Mar 25, 2012)

Hi Jeff,

How long does it take to travel 80 miles at 80 miles per hour?


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## FormerlyVintage (Mar 25, 2012)

Which seat can I take?


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## BucketheadRules (Mar 25, 2012)

Is this guitar?


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## Dan (Mar 25, 2012)

JeffFromMtl said:


> If they knew what was good for them, they'd release it with the first winter sun _on_ the winter solstice, the morning of Decemeber 21st.
> 
> But because they're not juggernauts of marketing genius like I am, it will be released in September.



Ahh Jeff, you are not as wise as Dan. Knower of all things Wintersun. The album will be released in 2 seperate parts. One in the spring of 2013 and one in the fall of 2013.


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## vampiregenocide (Mar 25, 2012)

A man gets on a train from Norfolk heading at 80mph South. How long before he realises he forgot his important documents, returns home and finds his wife with the milkman?


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## Pooluke41 (Mar 25, 2012)

Oh mighty Jeff, I come far to ask ye a question;

What is the answer to the Ultimate question?


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## BlackMastodon (Mar 25, 2012)

Pooluke41 said:


> Oh mighty Jeff, I come far to ask ye a question;
> 
> What is the answer to the Ultimate question?


42 of course. Now what is the ultimate question?


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## leandroab (Mar 25, 2012)

Silk or satin?


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 25, 2012)

ghstofperdition said:


> How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if rick santorum was president?



If what you mean by chucking wood is rubbing boners, I'll have to say that rates should be down from current numbers. There shall be no internet porn in the Santorium.



TRENCHLORD said:


> See there you go on my guy again .
> 
> Well then here's another one;
> What is the greatest distance at which you can still tell the difference visually between Santorum and Seinfeld without binaculars telescope ect..
> ...



Looking from anywhere outside of the Santorium, one will realize that they are one and the same. One just has a better, albeit annoying, sense of humour.



HeHasTheJazzHands said:


> Can you believe that its not butter?



Yes. I fall for no such trickery.



VILARIKA said:


> Hi Jeff,
> 
> How long does it take to travel 80 miles at 80 miles per hour?



About 58 minutes. Maybe whack that in half.



Django said:


> Which seat can I take?



Get out of my car. It's Sunday.



BucketheadRules said:


> Is this guitar?



ya but imnot troll guys... ive been on the forum longer than yo uguyd



vampiregenocide said:


> A man gets on a train from Norfolk heading at 80mph South. How long before he realises he forgot his important documents, returns home and finds his wife with the milkman?



Not long. Any day, now.



Pooluke41 said:


> Oh mighty Jeff, I come far to ask ye a question;
> 
> What is the answer to the Ultimate question?



Why not?



BlackMastodon said:


> 42 of course. Now what is the ultimate question?



False, but I can forgive you. It's a common misconception. The ultimate question is "Why?".



leandroab said:


> Silk or satin?



It's _not_ important. It's a matter of preference and what the material is being used for. I had a pair of silk boxers once, and I hated the way they felt on my junk so I'll conclude that satin is far superior.


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## Bigsby (Mar 25, 2012)

how can you tell when your out of invisible ink? and can you play baseball with a schecter neck?


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 25, 2012)

AntoneBigsby said:


> how can you tell when your out of invisible ink? and can you play baseball with a schecter neck?



Ink, regardless of colour, goes on wet. If you can angle a light correctly, the wet ink will reflect the light in a particular fashion. When the line left by your invisible ink pen no longer reflects, it's time to get a new one.

A Schecter neck, like any other guitar neck, would be more aptly suited to cricket or field hockey than baseball, thanks to its half-cylindrical shape.


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## AngstRiddenDreams (Mar 25, 2012)

this thread


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## bandinaboy (Mar 25, 2012)

What do blind people dream of?

And also,
Why do things become dark when they are wet?


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## matt397 (Mar 25, 2012)

What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac do ?


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## AngstRiddenDreams (Mar 25, 2012)

Wonder if there really is a dog?


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## Fiction (Mar 25, 2012)

Then who was phone?


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## matt397 (Mar 25, 2012)

Fiction said:


> Then who was phone?


Maybe if really when like...


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## tacotiklah (Mar 25, 2012)

What are the steps to completing a hanoi tower puzzle in the fewest moves possible?


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## Hollowway (Mar 25, 2012)

Sage Jeff, if I eat Subway, while on a subway, does it not substantially increase my chance of entering a worm hole, or should I just go back to eating a Powerbar and forget about the whole damn thing?


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 25, 2012)

bandinaboy said:


> What do blind people dream of?
> 
> And also,
> Why do things become dark when they are wet?



Things beyond our grasp and comprehension. Things that simply eschew the bounds of colour and shape that the minds of others have come to define certain concepts with.

It's because light will reflect differently off of a wet surface than a dry surface. The only reason our eyes are capable of perceiving colour is because of the light reflecting off of the subject and into our eyes. The water on the surface of your given subject will alter its reflective properties. Hence, when wet, the colour becomes darker - "dampened". The water in a way, "absorbs" the light that would otherwise be reflected off of the subject. This is why although water is transparent, we cannot see the bottom of the ocean. The light is reflected and, in effect, "absorbed" by the water molecules it reaches first. This is why the further down you go, the less light is able to penetrate.



matt397 said:


> What does an agnostic dyslexic insomniac do ?



He occupies himself finding as many dangerous ways to test his own faith as possible, deliberating between believing or not. He probably also watches a lot of TV.


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 25, 2012)

AngstRiddenDreams said:


> Wonder if there really is a dog?



I don't. I accept "dog", as a symbol or term that has conventionally come to be associated with the concept of a fur-covered, four-legged sentient being that is at once territorial and loyal, while hunting in a pack. I trust that I have not been lied to and I trust that when I refer to said term, others relate it to the same concept.



Fiction said:


> Then who was phone?



Xylophone.



matt397 said:


> Maybe if really when like...



I'm afraid this statement is beyond my level of comprehension. I will try again in the future, when I am a wiser self.



ghstofperdition said:


> What are the steps to completing a hanoi tower puzzle in the fewest moves possible?



I don't know. But when all else fails, you can flip the table.



Hollowway said:


> Sage Jeff, if I eat Subway, while on a subway, does it not substantially increase my chance of entering a worm hole, or should I just go back to eating a Powerbar and forget about the whole damn thing?



I'm doubtful. This brings me back to the idea that the names we have come to associate with the concepts of the things around us are inconsequential. You may accept that the food you are shoving into your face shares a name with the tube you are traveling through, however you may be challenged to believe that because they share a name, they share vital properties that go beyond either novelty or aesthetics.

However if you are still tempted to pursue your efforts in traveling through time and space, I would recommend extra hot peppers and south-west chipotle sauce.


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## gunshow86de (Mar 25, 2012)

I must know.......


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 25, 2012)

gunshow86de said:


> I must know.......



Despite their repeated efforts to go down the path of self-respect and higher education, they all end up going to the same place. 

They go home with Jeff.


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## BlindingLight7 (Mar 26, 2012)

Oh wise jeff, how is babby formed?


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## simulclass83 (Mar 26, 2012)

At a movie theater which arm rest is yours? 

What would you do in a situation where you went in for a general check up (where the removal of clothes was required), and your doctor happened to be a stunningly attractive female? 

If you are asked to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth and you're the main witness, what if you say "no"? 

Do glow-in-the-dark objects stop glowing when somebody turns the lights on?

If you put a chameleon in a room full of mirrors, what color would it turn?

some age old questions...


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 26, 2012)

BlindingLight7 said:


> Oh wise jeff, how is babby formed?











simulclass83 said:


> At a movie theater which arm rest is yours?
> 
> What would you do in a situation where you went in for a general check up (where the removal of clothes was required), and your doctor happened to be a stunningly attractive female?
> 
> ...



It depends entirely on how much pain you're willing to inflict for either arm rest. If the person beside you is larger, go for the other side. If they're both larger, all bets are off.

I ask no questions.

You have balls.

No, their luminescence simply becomes less pronounced relative to their surroundings.

It would turn the colour of the floor. If the floor is a mirror or it is standing directly beside a mirror, it would try killing its nearest doppelganger.


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## Metal_Webb (Mar 26, 2012)

1. Why do men have nipples?

2. Do the curtains match the drapes, or is it simply a tarp?


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 26, 2012)

Metal_Webb said:


> 1. Why do men have nipples?
> 
> 2. Do the curtains match the drapes, or is it simply a tarp?



1. Because they're the sexiest part of the male anatomy and that should, for no reason at all, be compromised.

2. In these trying times, one must always proceed with caution.


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## caskettheclown (Mar 26, 2012)

I just got kicked out of my band for ridiculous reasons which make no logical sense.


What should I do now?


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## Bigfan (Mar 26, 2012)

JeffFromMtl said:


> It would turn the colour of the floor. If the floor is a mirror or it is standing directly beside a mirror, it would try killing its nearest doppelganger.








Chameleons actually change colour as a means of interaction between individuals. Their colour also darkens when exposed to a threat, but they don't actually attempt to look like parts of vegetation or something, unlike certain species of Coleoidea, mainly octopuses:


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## tacotiklah (Mar 26, 2012)

Should I shave my legs today, or say fuck society and go au natural?


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 26, 2012)

caskettheclown said:


> I just got kicked out of my band for ridiculous reasons which make no logical sense.
> 
> 
> What should I do now?



You have two choices:

1. Kill the rest of the band and continue under the same band name. If anyone suspects anything, tell them that you don't know what they're talking about, insisting that it's been a solo project all along.

2. Withdraw from society, make failed attempts at opening up a taco shop and an antiques store. Move to Mexico and fall in love with a beautiful but completely broken single mother of 3. Swear the do right by her, and hold this adoptive family together with all of the white glue and staples the menial jobs you find will afford you. At the age of 53, when your adoptive children have left and your beautiful Mexican wife has grown to resent you in her menopausal state, regardless of all you've done for her, develop odd habits, such as starting a collection of roadkill trophies such as fur pelts, bone shards and feathers. Assemble these trophies on a shrine where you mourn the untimely death of your music career all those years ago. At 59, succumb to the whiskey and deep regret of never being good enough for the ones you love. Your liver and heart just can't take any more abuse.



Bigfan said:


> Chameleons actually change colour as a means of interaction between individuals. Their colour also darkens when exposed to a threat, but they don't actually attempt to look like parts of vegetation or something, unlike certain species of Coleoidea, mainly octopuses:



Don't you get huffy with me. See disclaimer in OP. This is not the "Expose Jeff for Lies and Treason" Thread.



ghstofperdition said:


> Should I shave my legs today, or say fuck society and go au natural?



Fuck it. But keep a pair of scissors handy throughout the day so that if anyone protests the state of your legs, you can cut off a tuft of leg hair and stuff it into their mouth.


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## Hollowway (Mar 26, 2012)

JeffFromMtl said:


> Don't you get huffy with me. See disclaimer in OP.



Yes, please please please do not question Jeff From Metal! Being from Metal, he is all knowing on these forums, and if provoked could use the powers those from the planet Metal have, and we could all be terribly screwed!


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## tacotiklah (Mar 26, 2012)

Hollowway said:


> Yes, please please please do not question Jeff From Metal! Being from Metal, he is all knowing on these forums, and if provoked could use the powers those from the planet Metal have, and we could all be terribly screwed!



This. You could set the 10 plagues of Egypt into motion, but on a global scale. This will be followed by a Justin Beiber world tour, which is the secret 11th plague that God couldn't bring himself to unleash.

tl;dr
Don't piss off Jeff because he has even bigger balls than God...


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## Cynic (Mar 26, 2012)

Metal_Webb said:


> 1. Why do men have nipples?



To put it simply, men have nipples because women have nipples. The full biological explanation is something that I can't really remember right now.


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## Thep (Mar 26, 2012)

its possible for a man to lactate by the way...


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## Sephiroth952 (Mar 26, 2012)

Oh wise Jeff from Montreal, when I dawn my cape and go out in the woods to fight trolls while listening to Blind Guardian, which weapon do I take with me, my battle ax or my long sword?


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## Xaios (Mar 26, 2012)

What is the purpose of the goggles?


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## Hollowway (Mar 26, 2012)

Sephiroth952 said:


> Oh wise Jeff from Montreal,



Haha, silly mortal! Jeff is not from Montreal - rookie mistake. He is from Metal. The dimension that surrounds us, and is yet beyond us. Kind of like the tesseract, but with other bands and 4 dimensional objects as well.


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## simulclass83 (Mar 26, 2012)

Cynic said:


> To put it simply, men have nipples because women have nipples. The full biological explanation is something that I can't really remember right now.


We all develop nipples before our gender kicks in, so to speak. Like as an embryo growing you develop nipples, and then you turn into a bro.


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 26, 2012)

Sephiroth952 said:


> Oh wise Jeff from Montreal, when I dawn my cape and go out in the woods to fight trolls while listening to Blind Guardian, which weapon do I take with me, my battle ax or my long sword?



Battle axe.



Xaios said:


> What is the purpose of the goggles?



I will assume the goggles you're referring to are the "beer goggles". Well, their purpose is really quite simple. There is a large portion of society without social skills or desirable traits. The beer goggles eschew these constraints in order to pair off like individuals, even if for just one night. One party often benefits from a slight confidence boost, which in turn helps them take at least one step further from that proverbial "ledge". The other party often experiences a blow to their self-esteem and trust in their own decision-making abilities. In turn, these people often experience catharsis in the following days, leading them to make important decisions to right the wrongs they've committed over their lifetimes. Such catharses have led to familial reconciliation and pursuits of abandoned dreams and higher education among other things. Before the existence of contraceptives and sexual protection, the goggles also served as a very adequate vehicle for the propagation of the human race and of various sexually-transmitted diseases.


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## Xaios (Mar 26, 2012)

If North Korea goes to war with Pakistan and Morgan Freeman loses a football bet to Mel Gibson, how many bees would have to sting a 6'4" Italian man before he drops his sandwich?


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## Captain Shoggoth (Mar 26, 2012)

Sage Jeff, if I go to a costume party as Tarzan should I shave anywhere or just go the way the jungle intended?


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 26, 2012)

Xaios said:


> If North Korea goes to war with Pakistan and Morgan Freeman loses a football bet to Mel Gibson, how many bees would have to sting a 6'4" Italian man before he drops his sandwich?



No self-respecting Italian man shall ever let his food become a victim of circumstance, no matter the state the of his personal well-being or the world around him. That sandwich shall not be dropped.



Captain Shoggoth said:


> Sage Jeff, if I go to a costume party as Tarzan should I shave anywhere or just go the way the jungle intended?



The only way to carry out any action in one's life is the way the jungle intended. This is why I ride a boar to work and school, hunt down my food with a hand-made javelin and drink rainwater by gathering it on giant leaves. I fell my enemies in a pit of quicksand that I dug outside my front door, although very few challenge my reign, for they know that my heart and soul are blacker than the darkest of African nights.


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## leandroab (Mar 26, 2012)

Is this the new 100k thread?


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 26, 2012)

leandroab said:


> Is this the new 100k thread?



Not even close.


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## All_¥our_Bass (Mar 26, 2012)

simulclass83 said:


> We all develop nipples before our gender kicks in, so to speak. Like as an embryo growing you develop nipples, and then you turn into a bro.


Same thing with our... ...equipment.
When it first shows up on us it could "go either way" so to speak then our genes/hormones mold it into male or female forms, both externally and internally.


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## Rick (Mar 26, 2012)

Is it true that there is a place in a man's head where if you shoot it, it will blow up? 

+rep for reference


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## tacotiklah (Mar 26, 2012)

I did really well for my first day at the gym. Can I go eat a super-sized greasy pizza with everything on it and a six-pack of beer to reward myself now?


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## BlindingLight7 (Mar 27, 2012)

Rick said:


> Is it true that there is a place in a man's head where if you shoot it, it will blow up?
> 
> +rep for reference


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 27, 2012)

Rick said:


> Is it true that there is a place in a man's head where if you shoot it, it will blow up?
> 
> +rep for reference



If you shoot a man anywhere in the head with a shotgun from close enough, it should do the trick. A certain "Dead" member of Mayhem may be able to back up my claims...

... Now, jog on.







ghstofperdition said:


> I did really well for my first day at the gym. Can I go eat a super-sized greasy pizza with everything on it and a six-pack of beer to reward myself now?



No. Never. Instead, reward yourself by doing better tomorrow.


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## JamesM (Mar 27, 2012)

You&#8217;ve got to be kidding me. I&#8217;ve been further even more decided to use even go need to do look more as anyone can. Can you really be far even as decided half as much to use go wish for that? My guess is that when one really been far even as decided once to use even go want, it is then that he has really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like. It&#8217;s just common sense.


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## JeffFromMtl (Mar 27, 2012)

The Armada said:


> You&#8217;ve got to be kidding me. I&#8217;ve been further even more decided to use even go need to do look more as anyone can. Can you really be far even as decided half as much to use go wish for that? My guess is that when one really been far even as decided once to use even go want, it is then that he has really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like. It&#8217;s just common sense.



I've already answered a vital part of this question. Although you've gone a little more in-depth, I still believe my findings to be true: http://www.sevenstring.org/forum/2927952-post32.html


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## JamesM (Mar 27, 2012)

Quite.


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## Randy (Mar 27, 2012)

What's Kazzie's number?


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## JamesM (Mar 27, 2012)

What's the best way to perk up your nipples without cold or stimulation? All the boys at school laugh at me and call me soft-chest and prod me with their sharp tits.


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## tacotiklah (Mar 27, 2012)

Is it actually possible for a human being to suck a golf-ball through a garden hose?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Mar 27, 2012)

Randy said:


> What's Kazzie's number?



1-800-BITCH-PLEASE

If that's not what you meant, her lucky number is 9.



The Armada said:


> What's the best way to perk up your nipples without cold or stimulation? All the boys at school laugh at me and call me soft-chest and prod me with their sharp tits.



I was going to suggest having them prod you with their nipples, but if that isn't arousing enough, I think it's a good idea to take offensive measures. Rather than having to stand up to their sharp-titted assaults, perhaps you should take pride and show them the up-side of being soft-chested. Because of the erect state of their nipples, they should be easily visible through t-shirts. Let them know that their nipples are easier targets than you are. Use anything you can get your hands on. Fingers, clamps, scissors, clothes pins, nail clippers, baby crocodiles etc. Show them that a rock-hard nipple isn't always the coolest thing since the afro pick.


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Mar 27, 2012)

ghstofperdition said:


> Is it actually possible for a human being to suck a golf-ball through a garden hose?



I didn't believe so until this one girl I met... Wow. That's all I have to say.


----------



## guitareben (Mar 27, 2012)

Is the following statement True or False? 

"This statement is false"



Q2: What is the probability of a random walk in a 3 dimensional space with integer co-ordinates getting from point A to any point B, where A=/=B


----------



## JUGGARNAUT (Mar 27, 2012)

why do we say " taking a dump, when we really leave one"?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Mar 27, 2012)

guitareben said:


> Is the following statement True or False?
> 
> "This statement is false"
> 
> ...



1. All of the above.

2. 100%. If the random walk never ends, it will happen eventually.



JUGGARNAUT said:


> why do we say " taking a dump, when we really leave one"?



Because humanity itself is the skidmark on this planet's crust, we get really touchy when speaking of feces.


----------



## tacotiklah (Mar 28, 2012)

Is Jesus really the son of God?

How many Newt Gingrichs does it take to ruin a country?


----------



## Metal_Webb (Mar 28, 2012)

1. Does it put the lotion on it's skin? Lest it get the hose again?

2. Have you ever felt the urge to bake a cake from leftover mustard?


----------



## Murmel (Mar 28, 2012)

How will I go about acquiring Katy Perry?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Mar 28, 2012)

ghstofperdition said:


> Is Jesus really the son of God?
> 
> How many Newt Gingrichs does it take to ruin a country?



No. It was a case of broken telephone. His mother's name was Guadalupe. Instead of going by the more common nickname "Lupe" for short, she went by "Guad". Something got lost in translation over the last 2000 years or so.

0.32



Metal_Webb said:


> 1. Does it put the lotion on it's skin? Lest it get the hose again?
> 
> 2. Have you ever felt the urge to bake a cake from leftover mustard?



No matter how many times I ask it to put the lotion on its skin, I must resort to giving it the hose 

No. But if I did, it would have a meat byproduct center.


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Mar 28, 2012)

Murmel said:


> How will I go about acquiring Katy Perry?



Well, I hear she kissed a girl and liked it... Might I suggest an operation?


----------



## Sephiroth952 (Mar 28, 2012)

Oh wise jeff from Metal, To sweep or not to sweep. Is this truly the question?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Mar 28, 2012)

Sephiroth952 said:


> Oh wise jeff from Metal, To sweep or not to sweep. Is this truly the question?



That is not truly the question. 

The question is whether or not one is capable, and if so, can they do it tastefully? Therein lies your answer.


----------



## Fiction (Mar 28, 2012)

JeffFromMtl said:


> The question is whether or not one is capable, and if so, can they do it *tastefully?* Therein lies your answer.


----------



## Thep (Mar 29, 2012)

All right Jeff, I have some serious questions. I was really considering opening a thread just to ask these, but instead I seek your wisdom so answer them seriously.

1. Why does the metal claw/ metal orbs hand gesture feel so instinctive? When I was an orchestra nerd, which was before I started listening to extreme metal, I would do it to powerful, moving piece...Even my conductors did it every once and a while. When I started to listen to metal, I found myself doing it even more, but didn't realize it was a commonplace gesture especially in Black Metal

this is what I'm referring to






2. Is it normal to make more funny guitar faces as you get older? I vividly remember thinking how silly it was when guitarists do their solo faces. The past year, my technique has probably gone downhill from no bands or rigorous practicing, but I notice that I am starting to make more and more faces when I play. 

3. There's somebody in my engineering courses who I've been fortunate enough to share a special night with. Apparently it was a one-nighter, but this very very fine girl struggles very much in all her classes, while I'm doing just fine. Do you feel it would be immoral to offer tutoring services in exchange for other types of services and to not care at all if she chooses fail the course?

4. As we all know, the guitar manufacturing industry is full of secrets that many would find surprising. OEM, ghostbuilding, markup, licensing, and other stuff like that can be new to people who initially thought that music instruments companies simply built and sold their instruments. This is true for many other industries, for instance, Persol, Ray-Ban, Chanel, Oakley, and Prada sunglasses are essentially the same. Having done an internship at a hand tool manufacturing facility, I found out that many brands like Craftsman, Husky, Kobalt, Armstrong, and Napa all come out the same machines and are built to the same quality by the same workers. 

My question is, what other industries are like this? The first thing that comes to mind is the home furniture manufacturers and mattress companies. Obviously, its difficult to find out their dirty secrets, but I know that they are out there.

5. Is Texas the best state in the USA? Forget statistics, they're just numbers, I'm talking about the whole Texas culture...conservatively progressive with a diverse, southern charm.

6. What type of people purchase fleshlights? 

7. I'm looking to purchase either a CNC machine or a 3D printer. How can I potentially turn this into the start of a lucrative business opportunity?

8. Is George Fisher's neck so large because of his head banging?


----------



## tacotiklah (Mar 29, 2012)

Jeff, how badass do you think my new guitar is? (provided you've seen the NGD in the sevenstring forum?)


----------



## Grand Moff Tim (Mar 29, 2012)

I'm in a new country and completely guitarless. Do you think I should save up for a couple months to get a really nice one, or get a mid-range one sooner so I'll have something to play on while I decide if a nicer one will be worth it?


----------



## Scar Symmetry (Mar 29, 2012)

Jeff, why are you so awesome?


----------



## Goatchrist (Mar 29, 2012)

When will the new Necrophagist album be released?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Mar 29, 2012)

Thep said:


> All right Jeff, I have some serious questions. I was really considering opening a thread just to ask these, but instead I seek your wisdom so answer them seriously.
> 
> 1. Why does the metal claw/ metal orbs hand gesture feel so instinctive? When I was an orchestra nerd, which was before I started listening to extreme metal, I would do it to powerful, moving piece...Even my conductors did it every once and a while. When I started to listen to metal, I found myself doing it even more, but didn't realize it was a commonplace gesture especially in Black Metal
> 
> ...



1. "The claw" becomes instinctive when you spend too much time around metalheads in the same way that it becomes instinctive to nod in agreement if you grow up in the western world or by contrast, the way it becomes instinctive to sort of "bobble" your head back and forth in agreement if you grow up in India. I believe the claw originally started out as an indication that what you're doing is fucking epic.

2. This is normal. You probably use the pentatonic scale more now too. These are all indications of aging.

3. Immoral? No. If she's willing to give it up for tutoring, that's her prerogative. But if she's not inclined to do so, she might think you're an asshole for even putting it on the table.

4. I know for certain that there are many other industries that do this. For example, Samyang, Pro-Optic and Bower camera lenses all come from the same manufacturing plant. How common it is, I can't say. But it's probably the case for most industries.

5. The best? Probably not, but I'm not a fan of conservative politics.

6. Is this your way of trying to find out what I think of you?

7. Use your 3D printer to print guns. Rob banks them with or sell them on the black market. Maybe to "foreign investors".

8. No, his father was a tree trunk.



ghstofperdition said:


> Jeff, how badass do you think my new guitar is? (provided you've seen the NGD in the sevenstring forum?)



Badass. As a matter of fact, V's are too badass for me.



Grand Moff Tim said:


> I'm in a new country and completely guitarless. Do you think I should save up for a couple months to get a really nice one, or get a mid-range one sooner so I'll have something to play on while I decide if a nicer one will be worth it?



Get a really nice one so that when you come back home, you have a guitar you could proudly add to your collection. A nice guitar is always worth it.



Scar Symmetry said:


> Jeff, why are you so awesome?



It's genetics, bruh.



Goatchrist said:


> When will the new Necrophagist album be released?



2017.


----------



## Fiction (Mar 30, 2012)

What percent of the population admire their own poops, post-poop?


----------



## MFB (Mar 30, 2012)

Where the FUCK are all the used 7X21's for sale at?!


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Mar 30, 2012)

Fiction said:


> What percent of the population admire their own poops, post-poop?



49%. The other 51% are female.



MFB said:


> Where the FUCK are all the used 7X21's for sale at?!



That's a good question. I'm at a loss...


----------



## Augminished (Mar 30, 2012)

Collect Underpants
 ?
Profit
What is step 2?


----------



## tacotiklah (Mar 30, 2012)

Jeff, why is it that people disappear when you need their help?


Is Pizza Hut the best pizza available for delivery?


Why are carne asada burritos one of the greatest food items ever devised?


----------



## SenorDingDong (Mar 30, 2012)

I got a paper cut on my EDIT: (this should have said finger, not penis--damn auto-correct), only it sort of severed it in half due to--well, forget the details. Will tape be okay for that? Because all I have on hand is Scotch. 

Been keeping it on ice, but the sooner the better. Thanks!


----------



## BlindingLight7 (Mar 30, 2012)

Jeff, how do I acquire many bitches, get money AND stay a fatty?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 1, 2012)

Augminished said:


> Collect Underpants
> ?
> Profit
> What is step 2?



Hold underpants ransom



ghstofperdition said:


> Jeff, why is it that people disappear when you need their help?
> 
> 
> Is Pizza Hut the best pizza available for delivery?
> ...



It's the world's way of telling you that you don't really need them.

Whoa, no. But it's probably the greasiest.

Because they come from a long line of glorious delicacies procured by the Mexicans, who are far smarter than they're given credit for.



JWGriebel said:


> I got a paper cut on my EDIT: (this should have said finger, not penis--damn auto-correct), only it sort of severed it in half due to--well, forget the details. Will tape be okay for that? Because all I have on hand is Scotch.
> 
> Been keeping it on ice, but the sooner the better. Thanks!



I'd advise against it. But that's probably just me being biased. I once got a horrible reaction to an adhesive I put on my skin. It itched and blistered up like nobody's business. Since then, I've been weary of letting things such as tape and band-aids touch my skin.



BlindingLight7 said:


> Jeff, how do I acquire many bitches, get money AND stay a fatty?



It's difficult to put into words, so I'll just leave this here.


----------



## guitareben (Apr 1, 2012)

Have you ever killed a man?


----------



## leandroab (Apr 1, 2012)

Scar Symmetry said:


> Jeff, why are you so awesome?



Something to do with poutines...


----------



## Slamp (Apr 1, 2012)

I accidentally the whole thing.
What can i do?


----------



## tacotiklah (Apr 1, 2012)

I do not believe in April Fools day, yet people insist that it's real. I have been mocked, scorned and put down about my beliefs. Wat do?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 2, 2012)

guitareben said:


> Have you ever killed a man?



Not a man, no.



Slamp said:


> I accidentally the whole thing.
> What can i do?



Purposely un- the whole thing.



ghstofperdition said:


> I do not believe in April Fools day, yet people insist that it's real. I have been mocked, scorned and put down about my beliefs. Wat do?



Stick 'em with a shiv, and shout "HAHA, APRIL FOOLS!".


----------



## Bigfan (Apr 2, 2012)

Dear Jeff

Is he the painkiller?

Is this the Painkiller?

If not, what is?

Sincerely, 
Bigfan


----------



## avenger (Apr 2, 2012)

How many unique riffs must there be in a brutal tech death song for it to top the 3 minute mark?

I struggle with this problem on a daily basis.


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 3, 2012)

Bigfan said:


> Dear Jeff
> 
> Is he the painkiller?
> 
> ...



BDSM incarnate.



avenger said:


> How many unique riffs must there be in a brutal tech death song for it to top the 3 minute mark?
> 
> I struggle with this problem on a daily basis.



22. _Nothing_ must be repeated. EVER.


----------



## MetalDaze (Apr 3, 2012)

Do maggots get drunk when they bury alcoholics? (Gravediggaz ref.)


----------



## canuck brian (Apr 3, 2012)

u mad bro?


----------



## CrushingAnvil (Apr 3, 2012)

Thep said:


> When will djent die, and how can I make it happen faster?



How can I make Thep's question's answer be "NOW" and "WITH FIRE"?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 4, 2012)

MetalDaze said:


> Do maggots get drunk when they bury alcoholics? (Gravediggaz ref.)



One must be drunk on all occasions to like Slipknot that much.



canuck brian said:


> u mad bro?



Internet rage is only for the faint of heart.



CrushingAnvil said:


> How can I make Thep's question's answer be "NOW" and "WITH FIRE"?



Construct an effigy for djent. Set it ablaze.


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 11, 2012)

I will be studying for two final exams through the next week. Help me procrastinate - bring forth your queries.


----------



## tacotiklah (Apr 11, 2012)

I was asked this question earlier today and had no answer, so I'm passing this on to you, so that you, Jeff, may answer in you infinite wisdom.:

"What exactly is djent?"


----------



## Bigsby (Apr 11, 2012)

where did i get a red rash on my genitals from? it won't go away

i made jesus shaped pancakes, but i burnt them, am i going to hell?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why's it still #2?

If a cat always lands on its feet, and buttered bread always lands butter side down, what would happen if you tied buttered bread on top of a cat?

and why did ZEBOV lie about having salsa stains on his chair when we all knew it was shit?


----------



## JamesM (Apr 11, 2012)

^Don't be daft, everyone knows that wasn't shit. I mean, ZEBOV wouldn't do that, seriously. Come on.



It was hooker blood.


----------



## Bigsby (Apr 11, 2012)

its the blood of all the banned forum members from the past


----------



## Gothic Headhunter (Apr 11, 2012)

Can I ask you a question?


----------



## Pooluke41 (Apr 11, 2012)

What is the most comfortable trousers in the world?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 11, 2012)

ghstofperdition said:


> I was asked this question earlier today and had no answer, so I'm passing this on to you, so that you, Jeff, may answer in you infinite wisdom.:
> 
> "What exactly is djent?"



An onomatopoeia, coined by Meshuggah. That's as far as I'll go.



AntoneBigsby said:


> where did i get a red rash on my genitals from? it won't go away
> 
> i made jesus shaped pancakes, but i burnt them, am i going to hell?
> 
> ...



Sounds like the herps, you've probably laid with a trollop recently.

No, you get extra points for accuracy. Jesus was probably brown anyway.

#2 is the new #1. After all, we all know that taking a #2 is often more relieving/rewarding than a #1.

These two laws would suggest gravity defiance, however I firmly believe that cat overpowers buttered bread. Given a long enough distance to fall, the cat will land on its feet.

Because he's ashamed of his actions.



Gothic Headhunter said:


> Can I ask you a question?



Done and done. Feel free to ask another if you like.



Pooluke41 said:


> What is the most comfortable trousers in the world?



Birthday suit.


----------



## Jakke (Apr 11, 2012)

O mighty Jeff from Metal, please answer my query. 

What killed the cat?


----------



## MikeH (Apr 11, 2012)

Scientific studies have shown that the bird is equal to, or greater than, the word. Do you agree?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 11, 2012)

Jakke said:


> O mighty Jeff from Metal, please answer my query.
> 
> What killed the cat?



They say it was curiosity, so shall we call it involuntary suicide?



MikeH said:


> Scientific studies have shown that the bird is equal to, or greater than, the word. Do you agree?



I would have to disagree. The beauty of the word is that when handled charismatically and with a purpose, it cannot be caged or killed, no matter how much some may try to do so. The bird can be.


----------



## Rick (Apr 11, 2012)

MikeH said:


> Scientific studies have shown that the bird is equal to, or greater than, the word. Do you agree?


----------



## Gothic Headhunter (Apr 11, 2012)

JeffFromMtl said:


> They say it was curiosity, so shall we call it involuntary suicide?
> 
> 
> 
> I would have to disagree. The beauty of the word is that when handled charismatically and with a purpose, it cannot be caged or killed, no matter how much some may try to do so. The bird can be.


 It is also said that he was brought back by satisfaction, presumably due to his curiosity.


----------



## Nonservium (Apr 11, 2012)

Dear Jeff,

Indica or Sativa?

-Non


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 11, 2012)

Nonservium said:


> Dear Jeff,
> 
> Indica or Sativa?
> 
> -Non



I wouldn't know from first-hand experience, but at this time of day, sativa sounds like a good choice.

also, this just in:







Hail Satan and whatnot.


----------



## tacotiklah (Apr 11, 2012)

Jeff why does the man keep putting us down?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 11, 2012)

ghstofperdition said:


> Jeff why does the man keep putting us down?



Because the man is afraid of what he doesn't understand. And the man oppresses what he fears.


----------



## Stealthdjentstic (Apr 11, 2012)

Why are all the girls in montreal so hawt


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 11, 2012)

Stealthdjentstic said:


> Why are all the girls in montreal so hawt



1. The French
2. There's something in the water
3. It's one of the most ethnically diverse cities in North America. There's something for everyone.
4. Montrealers simply dress better than any other city in Canada. Our women just _know how_ to look good.
5. They flock here from far and wide to be a part of my harem.


----------



## Faine (Apr 11, 2012)

Jeff, are you excited for your new apartment?


----------



## Rick (Apr 11, 2012)

What are the numbers for Friday's lottery? And yes, I will play them.


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 11, 2012)

Faine said:


> Jeff, are you excited for your new apartment?



Fuck yeah.



Rick said:


> What are the numbers for Friday's lottery? And yes, I will play them.



That's confidential, sorry


----------



## Rick (Apr 12, 2012)

JeffFromMtl said:


> That's confidential, sorry



You ass.


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 12, 2012)

Rick said:


> You ass.



OK, I feel bad.

7 9 16 20 44 49.

If you win, remember, you have no idea who I am. They'll ask.


----------



## Stealthdjentstic (Apr 12, 2012)

JeffFromMtl said:


> 1. The French
> 2. There's something in the water
> 3. It's one of the most ethnically diverse cities in North America. There's something for everyone.
> 4. Montrealers simply dress better than any other city in Canada. Our women just _know how_ to look good.
> 5. They flock here from far and wide to be a part of my harem.



Hey hey hey, we definately have more of #2 in Vancouver and it doesn't mean hotter girls at all 

#4 is so true though, bitches be wearing wayyy too many yoga pants here.


----------



## Prydogga (Apr 12, 2012)

Rick said:


> Is it true that there is a place in a man's head where if you shoot it, it will blow up?
> 
> +rep for reference



Damn it, I left the thread for too long and now I'm late to the rep party!

"Fuck off, grasshopper."


----------



## tacotiklah (Apr 12, 2012)

Jeff, what is a paradox of the stone? And why are people upset about it?


----------



## Rick (Apr 12, 2012)

JeffFromMtl said:


> OK, I feel bad.
> 
> 7 9 16 20 44 49.
> 
> If you win, remember, you have no idea who I am. They'll ask.



Done.

Hey Stealth, there's no such thing as too many yoga pants.


----------



## Pooluke41 (Apr 12, 2012)

Rick said:


> Done.
> 
> Hey Stealth, there's no such thing as too many yoga pants.



On that note.. (may be slightly NSFW)

Girls In Yoga Pants


----------



## LOSTxxTHExxGAME (Apr 12, 2012)

Jesus could walk on water,humans are 90% water,
and i am able to walk on humans,does that make me 90% jesus?


----------



## Gothic Headhunter (Apr 12, 2012)

ghstofperdition said:


> Jeff, what is a paradox of the stone? And why are people upset about it?


 Omnipotence paradox - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
I neg rep'd you for using the burrito version, because that one is used more as a joke, rather than a real philosophical question.


----------



## Rick (Apr 12, 2012)

Pooluke41 said:


> On that note.. (may be slightly NSFW)
> 
> Girls In Yoga Pants



Page 3, April 9th. I'm pretty sure that's the Austin airport.


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 12, 2012)

ghstofperdition said:


> Jeff, what is a paradox of the stone? And why are people upset about it?





Gothic Headhunter said:


> Omnipotence paradox - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> I neg rep'd you for using the burrito version, because that one is used more as a joke, rather than a real philosophical question.



That, I guess.


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 12, 2012)

LOSTxxTHExxGAME said:


> Jesus could walk on water,humans are 90% water,
> and i am able to walk on humans,does that make me 90% jesus?



Probably more than 90%. After all, all humans are 99.9% the same, genetically. I guess Jesus' 0.1% difference included a gene mutation that lowered his density substantially.


----------



## Jakke (Apr 12, 2012)

JeffFromMtl said:


> Probably more than 90%. After all, all humans are 99.9% the same, genetically. I guess Jesus' 0.1% difference included a gene mutation that lowered his density substantially.



For shame! You know only sinners got 'dem genes


----------



## Stealthdjentstic (Apr 12, 2012)

Rick said:


> Done.
> 
> Hey Stealth, there's no such thing as too many yoga pants.



I used to think the same thing but well dressed beezy > JUICY COUTURE HOES


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 12, 2012)

Class, elegance and fashion sense > Yoga pants.


----------



## Stealthdjentstic (Apr 12, 2012)

Exactly my friend


----------



## Stealthdjentstic (Apr 12, 2012)

But Rick issss from texas...


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 12, 2012)

Not totally against yoga pants, though. They've inspired great art such as this:


----------



## Rick (Apr 12, 2012)

Stealthdjentstic said:


> But Rick issss from texas...



And we have lots of both here.


----------



## Stealthdjentstic (Apr 12, 2012)

Rick said:


> And we have lots of both here.



Ricks in Texas & Yoga pants?


----------



## Rick (Apr 12, 2012)

Stealthdjentstic said:


> Ricks in Texas & Yoga pants?



#2, yes. #1, none as boss as me.


----------



## LOSTxxTHExxGAME (Apr 12, 2012)

MAN YOUR THE DR.PHIL OF SS.ORG ok i got another one

If what goes up must come down,where the fuck do my balloons go?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 13, 2012)

LOSTxxTHExxGAME said:


> MAN YOUR THE DR.PHIL OF SS.ORG ok i got another one
> 
> If what goes up must come down,where the fuck do my balloons go?



Once the balloon reaches a certain altitude, it is popped by atmospheric pressure and falls back to earth. But where exactly they end up depends, of course, on the force and direction of the wind.


----------



## highlordmugfug (Apr 13, 2012)

I don't really have a question so:

Your Moby Dick sleeve is awesome as fuck.(?)


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 13, 2012)

highlordmugfug said:


> I don't really have a question so:
> 
> Your Moby Dick sleeve is awesome as fuck.(?)



Thanks. I like this one better.







But whatever, no regrets.


----------



## tacotiklah (Apr 13, 2012)

Gothic Headhunter said:


> Omnipotence paradox - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> I neg rep'd you for using the burrito version, because that one is used more as a joke, rather than a real philosophical question.




Oh ok. Well the whole point of it was to be a joke and is also a Simpsons reference but okay. 
(I was unaware that we had to only ask serious questions here. Thanks for straightening me out...  )


----------



## FormerlyVintage (Apr 13, 2012)

Jeff, looking at the date, which seat can I take?


----------



## Captain Axx (Apr 13, 2012)

why am i cold when it's really hot outside?


----------



## tacotiklah (Apr 13, 2012)

Jeff, why won't my car stop trolling me at the smog shop?


----------



## Vostre Roy (Apr 13, 2012)

When does the Maple Leafs will win the Stanley Cup?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 13, 2012)

Django said:


> Jeff, looking at the date, which seat can I take?



On papa's lap.



Captain Axx said:


> why am i cold when it's really hot outside?



Cuz you're sitting at your computer. Move around, get your blood flowing.



ghstofperdition said:


> Jeff, why won't my car stop trolling me at the smog shop?



Cuz that's how it rolls.










Vostre Roy said:


> When does the Maple Leafs will win the Stanley Cup?



LOL NEVER?!


----------



## matt397 (Apr 13, 2012)

Vostre Roy said:


> When does the Maple Leafs will win the Stanley Cup?


----------



## Jakke (Apr 13, 2012)

Who shot the sheriff?


----------



## Joeywilson (Apr 13, 2012)

What kind of beer should I drink tonight?


----------



## Ill-Gotten James (Apr 13, 2012)

Jeff. Why is it that when I sit down, while wearing my dress pants, it looks like I have an erection? I was told to ask, because you apparently are all knowing, or... close to all knowing, or... are a good BS'er.


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 13, 2012)

Jakke said:


> Who shot the sheriff?



Bob Marley shot the sheriff



Joeywilson said:


> What kind of beer should I drink tonight?



La Fin Du Monde. Find it at any cost.



Ill-Gotten James said:


> Jeff. Why is it that when I sit down, while wearing my dress pants, it looks like I have an erection? I was told to ask, because you apparently are all knowing, or... close to all knowing, or... are a good BS'er.



Your pants really like the way you look in them.


----------



## caskettheclown (Apr 13, 2012)

How should I surprise my girlfriend with the gift I got her?


Its a bracelet btw.


----------



## LOSTxxTHExxGAME (Apr 13, 2012)

Originally Posted by *Ill-Gotten James* 

 
_Jeff. Why is it that when I sit down, while wearing my dress pants, it looks like I have an erection? I was told to ask, because you apparently are all knowing, or... close to all knowing, or... are a good BS'er._

lol


----------



## LOSTxxTHExxGAME (Apr 13, 2012)

what do you do when you see an endangered animal 
that is eating an endangered plant?

"sorry for double posting"


----------



## Vostre Roy (Apr 14, 2012)

matt397 said:


> *Clever Picture*








Sorry for the running gag about the Leafs in Jeff thread


----------



## matt397 (Apr 14, 2012)

Vostre Roy said:


> *Cleverer picture*
> 
> Sorry for the running gag about the Leafs in Jeff thread



Jeff is from Montreal, Im positive he's enjoying the leaf bashing


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Apr 14, 2012)

caskettheclown said:


> How should I surprise my girlfriend with the gift I got her?
> 
> 
> Its a bracelet btw.



The obvious answer would be to put it on your penis, so the next time you have sex is extra special. But if you want to surprise her, you'll want to avoid doing the obvious. I say get a tiny dog, or maybe a cat. She'll think you're surprising her with an adorable pet. When she picks it up, say "If you think that's lovely, wait til you see this", and remove the bracelet, which you had on the animal as a collar, from its neck. Hand her the bracelet and take the animal away. Open the front door and place the animal outside, then close the door. Upon returning, ask, "so? what do you think?" 



LOSTxxTHExxGAME said:


> what do you do when you see an endangered animal
> that is eating an endangered plant?
> 
> "sorry for double posting"



Let life take its course. The only case in which I believe extinction is a real problem is when it's through exploitation by humans. Otherwise, it's simply natural selection.


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jan 4, 2015)

Alright, guys. It's ice storm 2015 out there and I'm at work, with absolutely nothing to do. I bring back this thread 3 years wiser. Ask the master anything.


----------



## BlackMastodon (Jan 4, 2015)

How does one make the perfect eggs over easy without having the yolk explode when you flip them?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jan 4, 2015)

BlackMastodon said:


> How does one make the perfect eggs over easy without having the yolk explode when you flip them?



It's not entirely complicated, but it's heavily nuanced. 

Step 1: tons of butter. It's essentially breakfast lube. It makes everything less painful.

Step 2: it's all in the flick of the spatula. It has to be a swift, fluid motion. You first need to first get all the way under the egg. If you're half-way, breakage becomes more likely, and may even happen before the flip even takes place. Then, when flipping, it has to be a short arc. It's all in the wrist, as spatula travel must stay minimized. However, it's as much a feeling as it is a science. I learned under the watchful eye of a respected breakfast sensei.


----------



## BlackMastodon (Jan 4, 2015)

So like medium/high heat on the stove as well?

I'm sure I'll think of other questions, some food related, some not.


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jan 4, 2015)

BlackMastodon said:


> So like medium/high heat on the stove as well?
> 
> I'm sure I'll think of other questions, some food related, some not.



I actually go for a med-low. like a 4/10. It ensures that the bottom cooks through enough to give give it some support without over-cooking/crisping it. Sorry I left such an important detail. Sensei would be unimpressed.


----------



## Forrest_H (Jan 4, 2015)

Why was the sheriff shot, but not the deputy?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jan 4, 2015)

Forrest_H said:


> Why was the sheriff shot, but not the deputy?



According to legend, they both were shot, but no responsibility has been taken for the shooting of Mr. Deputy.


----------



## asher (Jan 4, 2015)

How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jan 4, 2015)

asher said:


> How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?



Probably about as much as a beaver, considering a woodchuck is essentially a beaver that never went to trade school.


----------



## asher (Jan 4, 2015)

JeffFromMtl said:


> Probably about as much as a beaver, considering a woodchuck is essentially a beaver that never went to trade school.


----------



## chassless (Jan 5, 2015)

Oh Jeff, from Montreal, aren't Schwarz's smoked meat sandwiches the best of all?


----------



## Konfyouzd (Jan 5, 2015)

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Has that been covered?


----------



## ArtDecade (Jan 5, 2015)

Konfyouzd said:


> Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Has that been covered?


----------



## Konfyouzd (Jan 5, 2015)

Awesome


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jan 5, 2015)

chassless said:


> Oh Jeff, from Montreal, aren't Schwarz's smoked meat sandwiches the best of all?



The best. You are a wise man.



Konfyouzd said:


> Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? Has that been covered?



Here's the real question: Did Carmen San Diego ever really exist? She was a government ploy to help us forget that Osama Bin Laden was still lurking in a cave somewhere strapped with nukes. Given how long ago we heard about Miss San Diego, it's just an indication of how premeditated this all was.



ArtDecade said:


>



Don't be fooled by this obvious trickery.


----------



## vilk (Jan 5, 2015)

Why wont my wiper fluid shoot


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jan 5, 2015)

vilk said:


> Why wont my wiper fluid shoot



As long as it's topped up, it's probably just a frozen line. Hold the lever down, and as more fluid forces its way through, it should melt what's frozen in the line. Give it like 15-20 seconds if you have to.


----------



## Konfyouzd (Jan 5, 2015)

This shit is incredible.


----------



## shadscbr (Jan 5, 2015)

My F-stops keep agitating my aperture, what do i do?

Shad


----------



## Rick (Jan 5, 2015)

When are you coming to Austin?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jan 5, 2015)

shadscbr said:


> My F-stops keep agitating my aperture, what do i do?
> 
> Shad



I'm assuming you're talking about a camera/lens. I'm not sure what you mean by "agitating", though.



Rick said:


> When are you coming to Austin?



It's going to be a very touch and go summer, since I'll be hitch hiking across the US and my timetable is probably going to undergo a lot of changes. But As soon as I talk to the artist again (in March) and set a definite appointment for the tattoo, I can't say for sure. Definitely not before June, though.


----------



## Rick (Jan 5, 2015)

JeffFromMtl said:


> It's going to be a very touch and go summer, since I'll be hitch hiking across the US and my timetable is probably going to undergo a lot of changes. But As soon as I talk to the artist again (in March) and set a definite appointment for the tattoo, I can't say for sure. Definitely not before June, though.



Keep me posted, mi casa es su casa.


----------



## tacotiklah (Jan 6, 2015)

Oh mighty Jeff, tell us the tale about that great man from Nantuckett...


----------



## FILTHnFEAR (Jan 6, 2015)

Almighty knower of all things worth knowing....

How did the Empire manage to maintain control over the entire galaxy with Stormtroopers that caught a beat down from 3 foot tall bears armed with rocks and sticks?


----------



## asher (Jan 6, 2015)

Why can't I hold all these limes?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jan 6, 2015)

tacotiklah said:


> Oh mighty Jeff, tell us the tale about that great man from Nantuckett...



He was a sex-crazed man who loved himself a little too much. He was also known to be very untrusting of the bank. Rightly so.



FILTHnFEAR said:


> Almighty knower of all things worth knowing....
> 
> How did the Empire manage to maintain control over the entire galaxy with Stormtroopers that caught a beat down from 3 foot tall bears armed with rocks and sticks?



The galaxy's words never hurt them - it took sticks and stones to break their bones.



asher said:


> Why can't I hold all these limes?



Try using both hands, dumdum.


----------



## chassless (Jan 7, 2015)

Oh brave Jeff of Montreal, are you going to see Dark Tranquillity and Insomnium live at fouf' in two days?


----------



## thrsher (Jan 7, 2015)

one simple question.....why?


----------



## TauSigmaNova (Jan 7, 2015)

Where can I find some &#1073;&#1086;&#1088;&#1097; right now?


----------



## Kobalt (Jan 7, 2015)

O' Great Jeff...

Gas prices in the metropolitan area of Québec has broke under the $1.00/L mark today...can we expect this miracle to sustain?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jan 7, 2015)

chassless said:


> Oh brave Jeff of Montreal, are you going to see Dark Tranquillity and Insomnium live at fouf' in two days?



Unfortunately not. I'll be in the middle of a 12-hour shift.



thrsher said:


> one simple question.....why?



Why not.



TauSigmaNova said:


> Where can I find some &#1073;&#1086;&#1088;&#1097; right now?



Grandma's house.


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jan 7, 2015)

KingVee said:


> O' Great Jeff...
> 
> Gas prices in the metropolitan area of Québec has broke under the $1.00/L mark today...can we expect this miracle to sustain?



Never. They only do this so that when the price rises again, we can talk about "the good ol' days".


----------



## mongey (Jan 7, 2015)

If play a note while moving at the speed of sound will I hear that note as long as I stay at that speed ? is that the key to infinite susatin ?


----------



## Konfyouzd (Jan 8, 2015)

Ebow is what you seek mang... While moving at the speed of sound of course...


----------



## tacotiklah (Jan 8, 2015)

Jeff, how many bong hits would it take before one could actually SEE the music they're playing?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jan 10, 2015)

mongey said:


> If play a note while moving at the speed of sound will I hear that note as long as I stay at that speed ? is that the key to infinite susatin ?



Only if the note is played so hard and so loud that it can be heard through the infinite. Otherwise, it'll decay over time and distance, no matter how fast you travel.



tacotiklah said:


> Jeff, how many bong hits would it take before one could actually SEE the music they're playing?



The answer is mushrooms.


----------



## Nile (Jan 10, 2015)

Jeff.

To bang or not to bang?


----------



## scottro202 (Jan 12, 2015)

Dear Jeff,

Where do babies come from? Why does it hurt when I pee? And what is the secret to a woman's heart?

Love,

Scotty


----------



## ArtDecade (Jan 12, 2015)

Dear Jeff,

What is your favorite animated GIF? 

Here is mine:







Love,
ArtD


----------



## leandroab (Jan 17, 2015)

Jeff, why all of the sudden I have gas?

Love,

Leandro


----------



## Shimme (Jan 18, 2015)

Dearest Jeff. Should I get drink mroe Stella Artois? I don't nomrally drink lagers but this shit is really good.l


----------



## Shimme (Jan 18, 2015)

^I think this answers my questoin for me


----------



## tacotiklah (Jan 21, 2015)

Jeff, I have a budget of $1500 for building a PC (I can give or take $100, so it's a bit flexible) and I'm torn between getting an Intel i5/z97 style build, or spending a bit more and getting an Intel i7 6 core/X99 style build. I will mostly be gaming, though I have plans in the near future to learn video editing/rendering and possibly starting a youtube channel. Wat do?


----------



## chassless (Jan 22, 2015)

i can chime in! if what you will basically do is edit footage of a maximum of 1080p compressed DSLR footage, the i5 will be more than enough (though that may not be the case for gaming, i don't know what sort of specs games require these days). if you want to have a computer that can handle professional grade editing and special effects, up to 2160p uncompressed footage, the i7 (with no less than 32gb of RAM) is recommended.


----------



## bostjan (Jan 23, 2015)

Jeff, where can I get a custom eleven string ERG with stainless steel frets; scale length 23"-30" fan, but not too much fan; with pickups that are super-clear for djent, but also sound super middy for classic rock and super clean for jazz chords, but passive; an extreme v-shape that's easy to play sitting down and doesn't have any sharp points that chip off when I bash the guitar; super light aluminalloy hardware; made of one solid piece of carbon-kevlar impregnated brazillian rosewood; all on a budget of $200?


----------



## BlackMastodon (Jan 23, 2015)

I think Etherial has you covered on that baby. It'll tesselate the f**k out of your thumb too!


----------



## ArtDecade (Jan 23, 2015)

Dear Jeff?
Where did you go?
Love,
All of us


----------



## asher (Jan 23, 2015)

BlackMastodon said:


> I think Etherial has you covered on that baby. It'll tesselate the f**k out of your thumb too!



Now featuring: Jump rhythm thumb tessellation tremolo action!


----------



## chassless (Jan 23, 2015)

bostjan said:


> Jeff, where can I get a custom eleven string ERG with stainless steel frets; scale length 23"-30" fan, but not too much fan; with blablabla; all on a budget of $200?



can i add series/parallel/split/missile launch switches on individual pickups? and an adamantium alloy locking compensated nut with a zero fret? and the Minirail System© so i can slide the bridge to change the scale according to my liking? and christmas tree LED's as side dots?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jan 31, 2015)

Nile said:


> Jeff.
> 
> To bang or not to bang?



Usually bang. But it all depends on your reasons for banging. Where's your head at? If you're in a cool place, and he/she is as well, then do 'em right.



scottro202 said:


> Dear Jeff,
> 
> Where do babies come from? Why does it hurt when I pee? And what is the secret to a woman's heart?
> 
> ...



1. Terrible decisions and broken condoms.

2. Terrible decisions and broken condoms.

3. Terrible decisions and broken condoms.



ArtDecade said:


> Dear Jeff,
> 
> What is your favorite animated GIF?
> 
> ...



Easily






leandroab said:


> Jeff, why all of the sudden I have gas?
> 
> Love,
> 
> Leandro



It was probably pulled pork. Stay away from pulled pork.



Shimme said:


> Dearest Jeff. Should I get drink mroe Stella Artois? I don't nomrally drink lagers but this shit is really good.l





Shimme said:


> ^I think this answers my questoin for me



Pretty much.



tacotiklah said:


> Jeff, I have a budget of $1500 for building a PC (I can give or take $100, so it's a bit flexible) and I'm torn between getting an Intel i5/z97 style build, or spending a bit more and getting an Intel i7 6 core/X99 style build. I will mostly be gaming, though I have plans in the near future to learn video editing/rendering and possibly starting a youtube channel. Wat do?





chassless said:


> i can chime in! if what you will basically do is edit footage of a maximum of 1080p compressed DSLR footage, the i5 will be more than enough (though that may not be the case for gaming, i don't know what sort of specs games require these days). if you want to have a computer that can handle professional grade editing and special effects, up to 2160p uncompressed footage, the i7 (with no less than 32gb of RAM) is recommended.



Pretty much what he said. I may be a modern day genius, but I don't know shit about computers. That's why I have a Macbook Pro.



bostjan said:


> Jeff, where can I get a custom eleven string ERG with stainless steel frets; scale length 23"-30" fan, but not too much fan; with pickups that are super-clear for djent, but also sound super middy for classic rock and super clean for jazz chords, but passive; an extreme v-shape that's easy to play sitting down and doesn't have any sharp points that chip off when I bash the guitar; super light aluminalloy hardware; made of one solid piece of carbon-kevlar impregnated brazillian rosewood; all on a budget of $200?



I heard De Vries is pretty good.



BlackMastodon said:


> I think Etherial has you covered on that baby. It'll tesselate the f**k out of your thumb too!



Yeah, tesselate.



ArtDecade said:


> Dear Jeff?
> Where did you go?
> Love,
> All of us



I was on a bender. All I did was have sex, drink vodka and play hockey for two weeks. But fear not, I am back.



asher said:


> Now featuring: Jump rhythm thumb tessellation tremolo action!



Yeah, tesselate.



chassless said:


> can i add series/parallel/split/missile launch switches on individual pickups? and an adamantium alloy locking compensated nut with a zero fret? and the Minirail System© so i can slide the bridge to change the scale according to my liking? and christmas tree LED's as side dots?



I don't see why not.


----------



## vilk (Feb 2, 2015)

Can I jinx something just by thinking it?


----------



## redstone (Feb 2, 2015)

Jeff, what's more useful than force lightning?


----------



## asher (Feb 2, 2015)

redstone said:


> Jeff, what's more useful than force lightning?



Force grip + ledges or bottomless pits. Duhhhh.


----------



## chassless (Feb 3, 2015)

Oh Jeff, of Montreal, have you watched Mommy yet?


----------



## redstone (Feb 3, 2015)

asher said:


> Force grip + ledges or bottomless pits. Duhhhh.



And What will you do if your ST 321 runs out of juice in the middle of nowhere, force chocking your mechanic ? Duhth Vaduhh


----------



## asher (Feb 3, 2015)

redstone said:


> And What will you do if your ST 321 runs out of juice in the middle of nowhere, force chocking your mechanic ? Duhth Vaduhh



Enough Jedi Outcast, you have not played.


----------



## CaptainD00M (Jun 8, 2015)

JeffFromMtl said:


> The answer is mushrooms.



Oh great mystic sage Jeff, have you taken too many mushrooms when you are in two places at once while feeling music AND being inside a memory that you never had?

How many mushrooms are too many?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jun 8, 2015)

My children, I have neglected you. But I have returned.



vilk said:


> Can I jinx something just by thinking it?



No, but you can jinx things by talking about them.



redstone said:


> Jeff, what's more useful than force lightning?



Teleportation.



asher said:


> Force grip + ledges or bottomless pits. Duhhhh.



And teleportation.



chassless said:


> Oh Jeff, of Montreal, have you watched Mommy yet?



I have no time for such mortal toilings.


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jun 8, 2015)

CaptainD00M said:


> Oh great mystic sage Jeff, have you taken too many mushrooms when you are in two places at once while feeling music AND being inside a memory that you never had?
> 
> How many mushrooms are too many?



I've never taken too many mushrooms. On the contrary, I've never taken _enough_ mushrooms.

As for too many? Everyone's got a different sweet spot. I haven't found mine yet.


----------



## asher (Jun 8, 2015)

Dear Jeff,

What's the most metal album of all time?


----------



## CaptainD00M (Jun 8, 2015)

JeffFromMtl said:


> I've never taken too many mushrooms. On the contrary, I've never taken _enough_ mushrooms.
> 
> As for too many? Everyone's got a different sweet spot. I haven't found mine yet.



Hallowed sage Jeff when will I find my sweet spot?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jun 8, 2015)

asher said:


> Dear Jeff,
> 
> What's the most metal album of all time?



Bloodbath - Nightmares made Flesh

It possesses all the hallmarks of the truest of all metal. Blast beats, HM-2's, headbang, Swedishness and RIIIIFFFFSSSS.


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jun 8, 2015)

CaptainD00M said:


> Hallowed sage Jeff when will I find my sweet spot?



When the time is right, the sweet spot shall find you.


----------



## synrgy (Jun 8, 2015)

How do you value your what you contribute of to at the workforce?

Second part: At which do you most can't the least?


----------



## Hollowway (Jun 9, 2015)

Not a question, but a statement: This thread is still my most favoritist place on the internet.


----------



## Forrest_H (Jun 9, 2015)

Are you taking on apprentices?


----------



## chassless (Jun 9, 2015)

oh great Jeff, from Montreal, how do you make long distance relationships work at all?


----------



## CaptainD00M (Jun 9, 2015)

Oh great and mystical font of knowledge, is it mandatory for one to be a wizard or have some affiliation with the occult if one is to play doom metal?

If so, where does one get schooled in the black arts of wizarding doom?


----------



## Sofos (Jun 10, 2015)

Who's going to win the Stanley Cup? Tampa or Chicago? 

Though you're probably biased because Tampa beat the Habs :/


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jun 10, 2015)

synrgy said:


> How do you value your what you contribute of to at the workforce?
> 
> Second part: At which do you most can't the least?



Whatever/However I want to.



Hollowway said:


> Not a question, but a statement: This thread is still my most favoritist place on the internet.



A man with fine taste, I see.



Forrest_H said:


> Are you taking on apprentices?



My legacy dies with me. 



chassless said:


> oh great Jeff, from Montreal, how do you make long distance relationships work at all?



In my experience, you don't. However, I suppose that if anyone does make one work would be with all of the things that a regular relationship takes: time, energy, kindness, patience, communication, trust, etc. But about 200% more of each.



CaptainD00M said:


> Oh great and mystical font of knowledge, is it mandatory for one to be a wizard or have some affiliation with the occult if one is to play doom metal?
> 
> If so, where does one get schooled in the black arts of wizarding doom?



It's not mandatory. Mere mortals do stand a chance, however one must worship at the altars of Sunn and Ampeg, and adorn their homes with as many 15-inch speakers as possible.



Sofos said:


> Who's going to win the Stanley Cup? Tampa or Chicago?
> 
> Though you're probably biased because Tampa beat the Habs :/



Smart money's on the Hawks, but I get the feeling that Tampa's going to take it. When they're rolling, they just score at will.


----------



## chassless (Jun 11, 2015)

have some imaginary green.


----------



## asher (Jun 11, 2015)

chassless said:


> have some imaginary green.


----------



## chassless (Jun 11, 2015)

i was looking for that! thanks. have some yourself:


----------



## asher (Jun 11, 2015)

chassless said:


> i was looking for that! thanks. have some yourself:



I have it and a GIANT neg bar saved in my SSO gallery just for these occasions.


----------



## Rick (Jun 12, 2015)

Still the greatest thread in the existence of this place.


----------



## ihunda (Jun 12, 2015)

Dear Jeff from Montreal, what's the sweet spot in term of number of guitars in a guitar collection?


----------



## Forrest_H (Jun 16, 2015)

Oh wise Jeff, who is the fairest of them all?


----------



## groverj3 (Jun 16, 2015)

Hi, Jeff. My name is Jeff. Does this mean I can also answer these questions?


----------



## facepalm66 (Jun 17, 2015)

Who hell is JeffFromMtl and why on earth is he answering everyones stuff with super cool witty answers?!


----------



## Rick (Jun 20, 2015)

facepalm66 said:


> Who hell is JeffFromMtl and why on earth is he answering everyones stuff with super cool witty answers?!



Get out.


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jun 20, 2015)

ihunda said:


> Dear Jeff from Montreal, what's the sweet spot in term of number of guitars in a guitar collection?



I'm a minimalist, so I think keeping it utilitarian is the way to go.

5 guitars will cover all of your musical bases, plus allowing one emotional purchase.

One holy grail/vintage instrument
One shred machine
One blues box
One twanger
One acoustic



Forrest_H said:


> Oh wise Jeff, who is the fairest of them all?



We all know where this leads. I refuse to fuel anyone's jealous, homicidal rage.



groverj3 said:


> Hi, Jeff. My name is Jeff. Does this mean I can also answer these questions?



I'd like to say yes, but I'm not sure the time is right. However you may, in time, grow into your Jeffdom. Never give up.



facepalm66 said:


> Who hell is JeffFromMtl and why on earth is he answering everyones stuff with super cool witty answers?!



All-knowing, all-seeing, all-powerful Internet Overlord.


----------



## Mprinsje (Jun 22, 2015)

Oh wise Jeff, help a brother out:

I'm currently involved in the mystery of "Mprinsje and the missing pickup selector switch".
Where is it?


----------



## CaptainD00M (Jun 30, 2015)

Oh omnipotent, omniscient all seeing internet-overlord Jeff.

If one shall Doom, shall one fuzz?
and if one shall Sludge, shall one not fuzz?


----------



## Dcm81 (Jun 30, 2015)

1. Does it dent?
2. Diarreah or constapation?
3. Geht's noch?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jul 5, 2015)

Mprinsje said:


> Oh wise Jeff, help a brother out:
> 
> I'm currently involved in the mystery of "Mprinsje and the missing pickup selector switch".
> Where is it?



Under the couch cushions, mingling with cracker bits, cookie crumbs and spare change.



CaptainD00M said:


> Oh omnipotent, omniscient all seeing internet-overlord Jeff.
> 
> If one shall Doom, shall one fuzz?
> and if one shall Sludge, shall one not fuzz?



Fuzz can all and all can fuzz. Choose your fuzz wisely.



Dcm81 said:


> 1. Does it dent?
> 2. Diarreah or constapation?
> 3. Geht's noch?



1. Fvck no.
2. Diarrhea, 10 times out of ten. I only wish constipation on my most vile enemies.
3. Undoubtedly.


----------



## kazzie (Jul 16, 2015)

JeffFromMtl said:


> Yes, I'm opening myself up to this. Being the beacon of truth and knowledge that I am, I have decided to share the wealth. Here, you present me with your queries, quandaries, questions, reservations and doubts about anything at all and I shall point you toward enlightenment and absolute truth.
> 
> _
> 
> *I can in no way guarantee the accuracy of any statements I make or the soundness of any advice I give. Godspeed!_



My friend Jeff (from Montreal) like, never ever calls. I know I don't go to his place a lot, because I'm the worst. But, I'd like him to miss me sometimes. Because I'm a little bitch.
What should I do?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Jul 17, 2015)

kazzie said:


> My friend Jeff (from Montreal) like, never ever calls. I know I don't go to his place a lot, because I'm the worst. But, I'd like him to miss me sometimes. Because I'm a little bitch.
> What should I do?



Give your bro a call. Go hang out with him. Play Hydro Thunder with him.


----------



## QuantumCybin (Jul 18, 2015)

So exactly how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?? One of life's greater mysteries.


----------



## kazzie (Aug 11, 2015)

JeffFromMtl said:


> Give your bro a call. Go hang out with him. Play Hydro Thunder with him.



We play all of the hydro thunders.


----------



## CaptainD00M (Nov 6, 2015)

Oh hallowed Jeff. I would not normally raise a thread from the depths of internet graveland, but this question is of the utmost salience!

Does the Xenomorph from aliens eat?


----------



## rx (Nov 9, 2015)

Are you famous or something?


----------



## JeffFromMtl (Nov 12, 2015)

CaptainD00M said:


> Oh hallowed Jeff. I would not normally raise a thread from the depths of internet graveland, but this question is of the utmost salience!
> 
> Does the Xenomorph from aliens eat?



There's no conclusive evidence that they do, however, I'd say it's fair to assume that they do in the exact same way that it's fair to assume that somewhere, at some point, human videogame characters would have to go to the washroom.


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## JeffFromMtl (Nov 12, 2015)

rx said:


> Are you famous or something?



No. Fame is creepy.


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## MrPepperoniNipples (Nov 12, 2015)

Dear Jeff,

How do I get a girlfriend?


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## JeffFromMtl (Nov 12, 2015)

MrPepperoniNipples said:


> Dear Jeff,
> 
> How do I get a girlfriend?



- Don't worry about getting a girlfriend or the fact that you don't have a girlfriend.

- Spend time doing things that make you happy and never stop challenging yourself.

- Don't be creepy or wear fedoras.

- Don't take things or yourself too seriously.

- Don't ever make the mistake of believing that anyone owes you anything.

- Be kind and have an open heart.


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## chassless (Nov 12, 2015)

Oh Jeff from Montreal, i am truly sorry for the recent waste dump in the Saint Laurent. What do you think should have happened to avoid it?



JeffFromMtl said:


> girlfriend advice



Truly great and concise advice. Listen to them.


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## MrPepperoniNipples (Nov 12, 2015)

JeffFromMtl said:


> - Spend time doing things that make you happy and never stop challenging yourself.



I challenge myself to get a girlfriend


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## ASoC (Nov 13, 2015)

As my father once told me, the best women are the ones that show up when you aren't looking. Best relationship I've had so far blossomed when both of us were trying very hard to be independent


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## CaptainD00M (Nov 14, 2015)

Jeff why did the the Paris Terrorists target an Eagles of Death Metal concert, and not something more 'main stream'?


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## JeffFromMtl (Nov 14, 2015)

CaptainD00M said:


> Jeff why did the the Paris Terrorists target an Eagles of Death Metal concert, and not something more 'main stream'?



Because extremists are illogical pieces of .....


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## tacotiklah (Nov 15, 2015)

Jeff, how do I adult good? I practice it almost every day and bills still pile up and no income. 
Adulting is really hard and I wanna get better at it. Tips and advice would help a lot.


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## will_shred (Nov 16, 2015)

Hollowway said:


> If you're in a car traveling the speed of light, and you turn your headlights on, will they do anything?



Trick question, anything with mass can only travel through space at 99% the speed of light


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## JeffFromMtl (Dec 27, 2015)

tacotiklah said:


> Jeff, how do I adult good? I practice it almost every day and bills still pile up and no income.
> Adulting is really hard and I wanna get better at it. Tips and advice would help a lot.



A lot of these are going to sound really simple, but you'd be amazed how well it works.

1) Keep your house/room clean. When your environment gets cluttered, so too can your mind.
2) Wash your dishes as soon as you're done eating. Don't let a mole hill become a mountain - tied in with point #1
3) Stay physically active. You can do this in any number of ways. I'm personally in the gym 4-6 days per week, play hockey and I commute on my bike. Physical activity will burn off extra energy, help with sleep, confidence and staying focused on day-to-day goals.
4) Create a schedule. For example, clean the whole house on Thursdays, be in the gym Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, practice guitar 8pm-9pm every day and allot an extra 15 minutes after that to check e-mails, physical mail and pay bills after that before you shower/read/however you like to end your day.

I know regimens sound daunting, especially for people who are generally quite disorganized like myself - I'm naturally more inclined to go with the flow. But if you realize at some point that what comes naturally to you doesn't work, you have to change it. I'm happiest and most productive when I'm _not_ left to my own devices. Stay busy, give yourself tasks and goals and see them through to completion and the rest will fall into place.


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## chassless (Dec 27, 2015)

Oh Jeff, from Montreal, i am in Montreal and don't want to go back home. Would you help me find a job?


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## Alberto7 (Feb 11, 2016)

Oh, enlightened one, I come to thee on a quest for wisdom. Please, bequeath unto me thy knowledge; knowledge surely far wiser than the wisest man on the land could ever hope of... bequeathing.

Rumor has it among the peasants that thine ink game is of the strongest ever witnessed by man, and I wonder where the best tattoo parlor on this land of ice and hipsters might be. I was hoping - humbly, of course - for thee to bestow some understanding upon my mortal self. Should thou ever wonder, I have yet to be stripped of my tatginity.

I implore thee, oh great Jeff From Montreal: hear my plea. Thy advice will be eternally treasured.

POST SCRIPTUM: it was suggested to me by another peasant of only slightly higher status that I make a pilgrimage to Tattoo Box and make an offering. Promises of being rewarded with great ink were made.


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