# Mitch Hedburg quotes (TLDR warning)



## sami (Dec 1, 2008)

He was a great standup comedian. RIP. Anyway, onto the good stuff:



"A vacuum store is just like a guitar store, there's a bunch of vacuums hanging in the windows to entice the vacuumists. But they do not attract the same clientele as a guitar store. Because if they did, the vacuum store would just be loaded with a bunch of broke fuckers, who just wanted to run the new vacuums."

"If I had a dollar for every time I said that... I'd be making money in a weird way."

"If I was the Headless Horseman's horse... I would fuck with that dude. Yeah, we're going that way. We're not headed towards the hay."

"What am I drinking? Ni-Quil on the rocks. For when you're feeling sick... but sociable."

"Now is a Hippopotamus a Hippopotamus? Or just a really cool Opotamus?"

"I wish all my clothes were made out of blankets. That way if I fell asleep with my clothes on... Fuckin A. I'm tucked in."

"Now when I was camping I was looking for fire wood... so naturally I was looking for the Duraflame tree."

"Dr.Scholl's makes foot products. Right? And he's a doctor... which means he went to school for a long time. But it doesn't take alot to figure out that stepping on a cushion will be more comfortable. That fucker wasted lots of time at school. 'Cause I woulda bought that shit from a Mr.Scholl. Maybe even a senior Scholl."

"I've got New Balance shoes on but they're old so... I might start falling."

"You know back in the day with the guillotine? They never got to the 2 blade guillotine. Like Gillette. 1 blade comes down and lifts your head up... the other blade slices through."

" A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef."

" I've got a drive through restaurant by my house. They say we'll get your fast food drive through food to you in 30 seconds or less. That's too fucking fast man! I didn't think they could top it. But you know what? They did. Because the last time I was there I saw a dude who looked like me eating what I was gonna order. You muthafucker."

"We ordered alot of chicken fingers man. It was about 10 chicken hands. I want a chicken thumb!!! They must be accumulating. Nobody ever orders 'em."

"I like Texas, 'cause Texas is the only state ballsy enough to have it's own toast. I like Texas toast. But I do not have a Texas toaster. I've got to stuff that shit in."

"In Venice, Italy... we gotta keep the kids off the canals."

"I was at the airport, I put my luggage through the x-ray machine. I found out my luggage has cancer. It only has 6 more months to hold shit."

"I taught myself how to play guitar. Which was a bad decision because I did not know how to play it. I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me."

"They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just they taste like shit."

"I walked by a record store that specialized in hard to find records and tapes. Nothing was alphabetized!!!!!"

"I wish they made fajita cologne... 'cause that shit smells good."

"My belt holds up my pants. And my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt. What the fuck's really goin on down there?"

"I like when they say that a shampoo is volumizing. 'Cause my hair is fuckin quiet. I wanna hear what it has to say."

"I like to wear 'Do Not Disturb' signs around my neck so that little kids cannot tell me knock knock jokes. Knock Knock. Read the sign punk!"

"I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans... 'cause maybe they're just as good as refried beans... and we're wasting time. We don't have to fry them again after all."

"I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now being, Damn, what the hell happened to sesame seeds? All the buns are blank. How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's fuckin magical. There's got to be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that... or their adhesive on one side. Take the sesame seed out, remove the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular. What does a sesame seed grow into? I dunno, we never give 'em a chance. What the fuck is a SESAME? It's a street. It's a way to open shit..."

"You can have this product for 4 easy payments of $19.95. I'd like to see a product that was available for 3 easy payments, and 1 fuckin complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death. The envelope will not seal. And the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck fucker. The last payment must be made in wompum."

" My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them."

" I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat."

"I bought myself a parrot. It talked. But it did not say it was hungry, so it died."

"I have a cold sore, so I put some Carmex on it, because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I dont know if it does help, but it will make them shiny and more noticeable. It's like cold sore highlighter. Maybe they could come up with an arrow that heals cold sores."

"I saw a commercial for an above ground pool, and it was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because thats the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would have stood up and said, what the fuck do I do now?"

"Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up... then I come by and I add some carrots and onions. Then I say, Hey man, just simmer for a whi.... just sit there for a while."

"Weeeeee. Thats what you say when you're having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people."

"I'm gonna open up a chain of Chair Lunch Dinners, and put 'em right across from the street from the Bed n Breakfast."

"I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird."

"It's like X wasn't given enough to do so they had to promise it more. OK, you won't start alot of words, but we will give you a co-starring role in tic-tac-toe. And you will be acquainted with hugs and kisses. And you will mark the spot. And you will make writing Christmas easier. And incidentally you will start Xylophone. There, ya happy ya fuckin X?"

"So when you meet a legend, and you don't know his body of work, you have to divert from that fact. Hey Peter Frampton... Do you like toast too? Yes, as do I. It is warm and crispy, and a great place for jelly to lay. Now get the fuck away from me Frampton, I ain't got shit to say to you."

"I'm sick of followin my dreams man, I think I'm just gonna ask 'em where they're goin' and hook up with 'em later."

"My apartment is infested with Koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of Koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to ya know, I'm like, Hey... hold on fellas. Lemme hold one of you. Feed you a leaf."

"I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. Awww-right. Thats not a full joke there. Thats filler."

"Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's alot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure he did not try to load shit into a truck."

"I have a few cavities. I dont like to call them cavities though. I like to call them places to put stuff. Do you know where I can store a pea? Yes, I have some locations available."

"I got my hair highlighted because I thought some strands were more important than others."

"I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me and he'll say what. So, I'll say it again, but once again he doesnt hear me. So he says what. But really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm sayin, but now I'm yellin', THAT TREE IS FAR AWAY!"

"I'm fuckin lazy man. I wanna be a racecar passenger. Just the guy who bugs the driver. You should slow down. Why we gotta keep goin in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide."

"I was on the Craig Kilborne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up to me and he says, Dude, I saw you on television last night, but he did not say whether or not I was good, he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back. Dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. And you were good."

"At the end of my letters I like to write PS. This is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."

"I got into an argument with a girl inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, 'cause then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? Fuck you."

"I think Bigfoot is blurry. That's the problem. It's not the photographers fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me. Because there's a large, out of focus monster, roamin the countryside. Run He's fuzzy. Get outta here. Gotta go."

"One time a guy handed me a picture and he said, Here's a picture of me when I was younger. Every picture... is of you... when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I'm older. You son of a bitch. How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera."

"My sister wanted to be an actress but she never made it. She does live in a trailer though. So, she's an actress, it's just that she's never called to the set."

"On a traffic light green means GO and yellow means YEILD. Well on bananas it's just the opposite. Green means HOLD ON. Yellow means GO AHEAD. And red means Where the fuck did you get that banana at!?!"

"You can't please all the people all the time. And last night... all those people were at my show."

"I'm against picketing... but I dont know how to show it."

"I like to close my eyes when I'm on stage, because, I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids."

"I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, often times I will drop it. So that it achieves it's maximum flavor potential."

"I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil. and the devil was dill."

"I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I dont need a receipt for a donut man. I'll just give you the money, then you give me the donut. End of transaction. We dont need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove I bought a donut. Some skeptical friend? Don't even act like I didnt get that donut. I got the documentation right here. Oh. Wait. Its at home. In the file. Under D. For donut."

"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, I hear music. As if there's any other way you can take it in. You're not special. Thats how I receive it too."

"2 in 1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2.Thats why 2 was created."

"I have a cheese shredder at home. Thats the positive name for it, cheese shredder. They don't call it by it's negative name, because nobody would buy it: Sponge ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it. But now I have little bits of sponge, that will melt easily over tortilla chips."

"This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty."

"My lucky number is 4 billion. that doesnt come in very handy when you're gambling. c'mon 4 billion. Fuck. Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Snake eyes. I just said snake eyes. Gamblin term. Animal term too."

"As a comedian, they want you to do things besides comedy. Alright, you're a comedian. Can you act? Can you write? Write us a script. they want me to do shit that's related to comedy, but it's not comedy. It's not fair ya know. It's as if I was a cook and I really worked my ass off to become a good cook. And they said, Alright you're a cook. Can you farm?"

"I hate flossin. I wish I just had one long curvy tooth. It didnt need to be split up."

"This is what my friend said to me. he said, I think weather is trippy. It's not the weather thats trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy. Then I thought... man... I shoulda just said yeah."

"I opened up a yogurt and underneath the lid, it said please try again... because they had a contest going on that I was unaware of. But I thought I mighta opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. C'mon Mitchell, dont give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom... hope on top."

"Tennis to me is depressing, because, no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a brick wall. I've played a wall once... they're fuckin' relentless."

*"A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer."*

"I needed to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan."

"I like an escalator because an escalator can never break. You'll never see an escalator temporarily out of order sign... only an escalator temporarily stairs... sorry for the convenience. We're sorry for the fact that you can still get up there."

"I yousta use drugs. I still do. But I yousta too."

"People associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use. Like an extreme longing for cake. And strangers would see a long hair guy and say, that fucker eats cake. He is on bundt cake. Mothers saying to their daughters, Dont bring the cake eater over here any more. He smells like flour."

"I wake up in the morning and I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal then I dont do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I needed instant oatmeal. I could get the regular oatmeal... and feel productive. What are you gonna do? Make oatmeal. You know it."

"I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of 'em. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I will have 1000 pieces of noodle."

"I had a bag of Fritos. they were Texas Grilled Fritos. Those Fritos had grill marks on 'em. Hell yeah. Reminds me of summer. When we used to fire up the bar-b-que, and throw down on some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on... You better flip that Frito dad... you know how I like it."

"When we were on acid... we would go into the woods, because when you are in the woods trippin there is a less likely chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzzkill. My friend Dewayne was standin there raisin his right hand... swearing to help prevent forest fires. We got away from the bear and he put his arm around my shoulder and said, Mitchell, smokey is way more intense in person. He's an asshole. But in England, Smokey the bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smackey the frog. Its just like a bear but its a frog. I think thats a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean. But frogs are always cool. Like never has there been a frog hoppin toward and I thought... man.. I better play dead. Here comes that frog. I never said, Here comes that frog... in a nervous manner. Its always optimistic... like.. Hey... here comes that frog. Maybe he will settle near me. And I can pet him. And put him in mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf. To recreate what he's used to. and I'll have to punch some holes in the lid because he's damn sure used to air."

"If I wear a turtle neck it feels like I'm being strangled by a really weak guy. All fuckin day. And if you wear a turtle neck and a backpack it's like a weak midget is trying to bring you down."

"And they have a family photo on their VCR where they're all looking slightly to the left. As if something is going on over there. The camera is right in front of you. But I guess something happened to the left... and it made everybody happy. But my sister is cross-eyed so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right the fuck on."

"You're gonna hafta move. You're blocking a fire exit. As though if there was a fire... I wasnt gonna run. If you are flammable and have legs... you are never blocking a fire exit."

"Waiting for the Aids test results is frightening... so I dont get the regular aids test anymore. I get the Round-about Aids test. I call my friend Brian. I say, Say Brian, do you know anybody who has Aids? No. Cool. 'Cause you know me."

"I was on a bus, and it was the middle of the night, and I was eating crackers with Easy Cheese. And it was completely dark. So each bite into the cracker was a surprise, as to how much Easy Cheese I had applied. Which makes me believe they should have a glow in the dark version of Easy Cheese. It's not like the product has any integrity to begin with. If you buy a room temperature cheese that you squeeze out of a can... you probably won't get mad if it glows in the dark too."


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## Mattmc74 (Dec 2, 2008)




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## eleven59 (Dec 2, 2008)




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## Deaths Madrigal (Dec 2, 2008)

Mitch Hedburg was easily my favorite comedian, its really sad he passed away, he would have been a huge success


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## Naren (Dec 2, 2008)

Those were funny, but they'd be a lot better to see him performing them than to just read them. I think a lot of it is in the delivery.


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## lobee (Dec 2, 2008)

Naren said:


> Those were funny, but they'd be a lot better to see him performing them than to just read them. I think a lot of it is in the delivery.


Yep. I've seen just about every Hedberg vid and when I was reading these quotes I could imagine the way he would deliver the lines and I kept lmao'ing.


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## sami (Dec 2, 2008)

Naren said:


> Those were funny, but they'd be a lot better to see him performing them than to just read them. I think a lot of it is in the delivery.



Very very true!! But it's good that his words in plain text can still speak for itself.


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## JJ Rodriguez (Dec 2, 2008)

One liners are funny, but I could never watch an entire stand up routine of them, it just gets old really quick.


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## poopyalligator (Dec 2, 2008)

"man i got so much tartar that i dont have to dip my fish in shit"

"hey ants, if i were to rip your legs off. You would look like little snowmen"


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## Daemoniac (Dec 2, 2008)

He was awesome. 'Twas very sad when he died 

only ever seen him once on the comedy festival... after which i downloaded both his cd's  It was great stuff, and yeah, a lot of it is in the delivery... cos he sounds like (and was) a total stoner


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## Fred (Dec 2, 2008)

Oh man, I'd forgotten quite how incredible he was, .


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## auxioluck (Dec 2, 2008)

"I got my palm read, but I wrote something on my palm first, to see if she would read that too."

I miss Mitch Hedburg.


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## TonalArchitect (Dec 2, 2008)

Funny guy. 

There's a bunch of videos of him on Youtube to enjoy.


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## sami (Dec 2, 2008)

poopyalligator said:


> "man i got so much tartar that i dont have to dip my fish in shit"
> 
> "hey ants, if i were to rip your legs off. You would look like little snowmen"


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## budda (Dec 2, 2008)

i have "mitch all together" on my comp - which most if not all of these jokes are from.

"smokey the bear is more intense in person"


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## xXxPriestessxXx (Dec 3, 2008)

He was incredibly witty. My favorite thing he ever said was this. 

"&#8230;and then at the end of the letter I like to write &#8220;P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated."


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## bulb (Dec 3, 2008)

haha mitch hedberg was my all time fave, his delivery is definitely half of it, but he came up with some really hilarous and unique jokes and lines!


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## Demeyes (Dec 3, 2008)

He's really funny. Its hilarious because it's just joke after joke, you can't stop laughing. I only found out about him about a year ago so I watched everyting I could find. I've showed him to all my friends now.


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## SymmetricScars (Dec 3, 2008)

Mitch 

So funny!


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## shadowgenesis (Dec 3, 2008)

:cry:

i miss that motherfucker. His comedy has had a profound effect on my life. His jokes come to mind all the fuckin time and I'll just be standing there and start laughing.

thanks for posting that! i haven't heard a lot of these, which surprises me. I have to get recordings of some of his unreleased stuff or something. I'm too lazy and cheap to buy the album they just released.


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