# Totally useless talents you have.



## will_shred (Sep 8, 2013)

So, I thought this would be a perfect thread in the spirit of /offtopic/. I'll start. (playing guitar doesn't count )

Smoke tricks, I have an e-cig and a lot of time on my hands. I've gotten down all the basic ones. Smoke rings, ghost inhale, ect. Still working on some harder ones such as ghost ring, and ring through a ring.


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## pink freud (Sep 8, 2013)

I can do this:






Not many people can, and it serves no purpose.


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## Church2224 (Sep 8, 2013)

I can cut grass like no other!


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## Pezshreds (Sep 8, 2013)

I can continually crack my big toe on my left foot as many times as I want.........


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## Winspear (Sep 8, 2013)

I used to be able to flip my tongue back into my nasal passage, behind that dangly bit. Sorry


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## Nile (Sep 8, 2013)

Masturbation.


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## The Uncreator (Sep 8, 2013)

Well, I can crack my left wrist endlessly but that's because of arthritis and don't think that's necessarily a "talent"


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## Hollowway (Sep 8, 2013)

I can put lipstick on while holding it in my cleavage.


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## larry (Sep 8, 2013)

I knew a kid in high school who could do this at will, without extra stimuli:


had decent range too.

i can fall asleep while attempting to read my western humanities textbook. 

i used to palm-grip portable cd players with my left hand and squeeze until the chassis would flex, in an attempt to crush them. my roommate and i were talking about this and agreed to test this on his skull. no he isn't dead, but he did experience a lot of pressure and slight cranial 'movement' with pain . we laughed about it ..


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## straightshreddd (Sep 8, 2013)

I'm good at making analogies. It's pretty useless, but can be pretty damn funny or crucial in unimportant arguments.


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## Grand Moff Tim (Sep 8, 2013)

I can repel women just by looking at them.


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## Murdstone (Sep 8, 2013)

I can fill in a blank map of the world of every country recognized by the UN (~195ish) in under 6 minutes.


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## Spaced Out Ace (Sep 8, 2013)

Play guitar. Let's be real now, it's a pretty useless, expensive hobby with the easiest obtainable goal being that of getting chicks.


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## Yimmj (Sep 8, 2013)

I am a master procrastinator.


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## Brill (Sep 8, 2013)

I can touch my nose with my tongue.


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## ittoa666 (Sep 8, 2013)

I can voluntarily give myself double vision. 

I am the master of magic eye puzzles!


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## Datura (Sep 8, 2013)

Type at 140 words per minute.


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## Veritech Zero (Sep 8, 2013)

Balancing shit on my nose, I'm like a god damned seal. Best I've done before was two full one gallon water bottles on top of eachother, on top of a tennis racquet on top of my nose... indefinitely, I got bored and stopped.


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## Veritech Zero (Sep 8, 2013)

pink freud said:


> I can do this:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Are you a wizard?


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## skeels (Sep 8, 2013)

I am highly skilled at not finishing things that I sta


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## danger5oh (Sep 8, 2013)

I can write completely backwards (mirror image) just as quickly as I can write regularly, and when viewed in an actual mirror, the writing looks identical to my normal handwriting. I've never had to practice this and I only noticed that I could do it when my friends caught me writing memos to myself in class one day. I usually write lyrics and poetry like this and I've written in almost every greeting card, personal note, yearbook, etc in this fashion since I was a kid just to be annoying.


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## Idontpersonally (Sep 8, 2013)

I have really stretchy neck skin.


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## wat (Sep 8, 2013)

I can gleek about 5 feet.

I can make fart sounds with my armpit- like 8 second long fart sounds.


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## Idontpersonally (Sep 8, 2013)

yea i was going to add that one, i can get it about 5 ft or so, i call it gleet though *shrug*


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## Grand Moff Tim (Sep 8, 2013)

Loxodrome said:


> I can touch my nose with my tongue.



Big deal, I could touch your nose with my tongue, too.


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## tommychains (Sep 8, 2013)

I can drain my cell phone battery by staying on sevenstring.org all day.


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## gamber (Sep 8, 2013)

i can bounce my pecs


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## Discoqueen (Sep 8, 2013)

I can't do anything special. Besides smoke rings... but that one is already taken.


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## straightshreddd (Sep 9, 2013)

I have lighting fast, almost paranormal, ninja-like agility that is only revealed during wildly unimportant scenarios like catching cereal from falling off the top of the fridge, a bar of soap in the bathroom, a cup out of the cabinet, or my phone falling off a table.


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## Hollowway (Sep 9, 2013)

skeels said:


> I am highly skilled at not finishing things that I sta


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## sniperfreak223 (Sep 9, 2013)

I can memorize useless trivia like no one's business.

oh, and I can do 240 picks in an hour...not that that matters to anyone outside the retail/logistics business.


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## Bodes (Sep 9, 2013)

I can pick my nose while driving. I notice that most people have to stop at the traffic lights before going in for the kill...


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## Pat_tct (Sep 9, 2013)

i burb.... like a lot....
not like others who burb when drinking beer or soda.
i burb from everything. every liquid i drink. even some dry food makes me burb.
and i can do it loud and nasty. and on command.


but on the other hand a can't fart. The gas always leaves my body through a burb before it even reaches my bowel.


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## Devyn Eclipse Nav (Sep 9, 2013)

I can bend my index finger on my left hand back so that my fingernail touches the back of my palm. Though not for long, it hurts a bit.

I also can transform any Transformer toy after looking at the instructions only once - even years later. Most with my eyes closed, too. Sorta like my Rubik's Cube.

For a while I could write and read those "ancient runes" from the Dragonology books as easily as I could read or write english. It was a simple Symbol-letter replacement, but it was cool nonetheless. I miss being able to do that...


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## wilch (Sep 9, 2013)

I can wiggle my ears without touching them.


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## poopyalligator (Sep 9, 2013)

For some strange reason I am ridiculously good at balancing things. Card houses, stacks of tapes,CDs, or books. I can balance chairs on one leg. I have no idea where or how I picked up that talent, but I am awesome at it.


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## BIG ND SWEATY (Sep 9, 2013)

for a guy of my size i am incredibly flexible, i can spread my legs apart while sitting and touch my face to the ground, i can put both legs behind my head as well. i can sleep literally anywhere, as long as i can cross my legs and lean forward ill be set.

i can contort my hands in some pretty gross ways ill try to get a picture of them if i can.

i can relate just about any situation or topic to a tv show, i only do this with friends though so i dont seem weird to new people


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## Grand Moff Tim (Sep 9, 2013)

Zeno said:


> For a while I could write and read those "ancient runes" from the Dragonology books as easily as I could read or write english. It was a simple Symbol-letter replacement, but it was cool nonetheless. I miss being able to do that...



My friends and I used to pass notes written in Futhark in school.


This was before texting was a thing. Shut up.


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## Deadnightshade (Sep 9, 2013)

I can kind of imitate the sound of a bath duck toy/generally plastic squeaking toys


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## Fiction (Sep 9, 2013)

Pat_tct said:


> i burb.... like a lot....
> not like others who burb when drinking beer or soda.
> i burb from everything. every liquid i drink. even some dry food makes me burb.
> and i can do it loud and nasty. and on command.
> ...



You mean Burp? Yeesh can't even correctly spell your talent


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## Edika (Sep 9, 2013)

I can read upside down texts and backwards quite easily.
I can burp and sound like a frog or pig.
I can turn the most innocent phrases to depraved sexual innuendo at a creep level.
I can find something negative and something to complain about even for circumstances that other people consider ideal.


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## Robrecht (Sep 9, 2013)

Toothbrush twirling (not really in slo-mo though, that's a camera trick).

It's risky, too, what with the toilet and toilet brush bucket being in the same room.


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## Empryrean (Sep 9, 2013)

It appears that I have the innate ability of not knowing when people are trying to flirt with me.


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## Varcolac (Sep 9, 2013)

danger5oh said:


> I can write completely backwards (mirror image) just as quickly as I can write regularly, and when viewed in an actual mirror, the writing looks identical to my normal handwriting. I've never had to practice this and I only noticed that I could do it when my friends caught me writing memos to myself in class one day. I usually write lyrics and poetry like this and I've written in almost every greeting card, personal note, yearbook, etc in this fashion since I was a kid just to be annoying.



I can do this. You, me, and Leonardo da Vinci.


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## will_shred (Sep 9, 2013)

Spaced Out Ace said:


> Play guitar. Let's be real now, it's a pretty useless, expensive hobby with the easiest obtainable goal being that of getting chicks.



I've never met a single girl who digs guitar players. I guess that bumps the usefulness of guitar down a notch?


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## jonajon91 (Sep 9, 2013)

Jesus, where to start.
I can put my hands together and then climb through the loop like a skipping rope. The best bit is between my back and my head. Real contortionist shiz.
+1 for touching the fingers in the first reply.
+1 for freakishly stretchy skin.
I can bend back my thumbs to touch my wrists and also dislocate them both without touching them.
I once enjoyed a period of pen spinning, I used to get into shit in Exams when I did it because I would keep dropping my pen.

I know I have many many more so I will probably be back when I think of some.


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## sniperfreak223 (Sep 9, 2013)

oh, and I'm ambidextrous. I can write, draw, throw, and shoot both right and left-handed.


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## HeHasTheJazzHands (Sep 9, 2013)

I can edit my posts pretty quickly.


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## Idontpersonally (Sep 9, 2013)

wilch said:


> I can wiggle my ears without touching them.


Haha I knew a somebody that could do that, creepy shit. When she heard a noise her ears would twitch like a cat


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## Friendroid (Sep 9, 2013)

I can predict wining lottery numbers but I'm a strict Jehovah's witness.


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## WrldEtrBenny (Sep 9, 2013)

ittoa666 said:


> I can voluntarily give myself double vision.
> 
> I am the master of magic eye puzzles!



I am also a master of magic eye puzzles.


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## Murmel (Sep 9, 2013)

ittoa666 said:


> I can voluntarily give myself double vision.
> 
> I am the master of magic eye puzzles!



I can do this as well. Do you also make one of your eyes go to the left or right? I do it so that my right eye remains still, but my left goes way out to the left


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## fwd0120 (Sep 9, 2013)

Pezshreds said:


> I can continually crack my big toe on my left foot as many times as I want.........



This.

And being awesome. Genuine being of awesomeness is pretty irrelevant in the internet age.


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## The Spanish Inquisition (Sep 9, 2013)

I can crack each finger 3 times.

Same with my toes but 2 times.

I can move my shoulderblades a very far distance.

I can make a sarcastic remark on just about everything.


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## ghost_of_karelia (Sep 9, 2013)

I can speak Swedish, and I'm not from Sweden. Nor are any of my ancestors Swedish.

Jag bara älskar språket.


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## The Spanish Inquisition (Sep 9, 2013)

jarvncaredoc said:


> I can speak Swedish, and I'm not from Sweden. Nor are any of my ancestors Swedish.
> 
> Jag bara älskar språket.



Gesundheid


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## pink freud (Sep 9, 2013)

Grand Moff Tim said:


> I can repel women just by looking at them.



What I coincidence, I can repel women just by them looking at _me_!


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## AxeHappy (Sep 9, 2013)

will_shred said:


> I've never met a single girl who digs guitar players. I guess that bumps the usefulness of guitar down a notch?




Every girl I have ever been in a relationship with the guitar was at least a little bit important. In many cases, a lot important. Guess it all depends. 

Useless talents/skills:

Ambidextrous. I can write equally shitty with both hands. Tend to be more accurate lefty and more powerfully righty for sports things. 

I have been told I wield a vibrator with wicked prowess.... Now if I could only figure out how to make my dick vibrate at 5000 RPM...


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## TheWarAgainstTime (Sep 9, 2013)

straightshreddd said:


> I'm good at making analogies. It's pretty useless, but can be pretty damn funny or crucial in unimportant arguments.



I can't even tell you how many arguments I've ended with awesome analogies


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## Idontpersonally (Sep 9, 2013)

I can ride my bike with no handlebars
I can meow like a cat
I can read anyone within 30 seconds of meeting them* edit i meant their past lives i should have clarified
I can sleep or stay awake for days
I can alter my perception and/or hallucinate at will
I can imitate any vocalist
I can summon fairies and stuff
I can make a tobacco pipe out of anything


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## metallatem (Sep 9, 2013)

I can wiggle my ears... but I can't roll my tongue, so it sort of evens out


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## Khaerruhl (Sep 9, 2013)

Idontpersonally said:


> I can ride my bike with no handlebars
> I can meow like a cat
> I can read anyone within 30 seconds of meeting them
> I can sleep or stay awake for days



+1 for riding bike with no handlebars.
I can bark like a dog.
I have a rubber face. Shame I can't remember 90% of the faces I make. 
Apperantly Im accurate with ranged weaponry. Like archery, black powder guns, throwing knives, axes, needles and the deadly snowball.


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## Cloudy (Sep 9, 2013)

I can beat through the fires and flames on expert.


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## Nag (Sep 9, 2013)

I can have private conversations with 8 people at the same time in the chatroom.

I can take notes while sleeping in class (NOT A JOKE)

and for Tim : I can crack my fingers, neck, feet, and baculum.


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## silent suicide (Sep 9, 2013)

I pick up languages rather well.
But I think that is a general skill for Dutch speaking people.

I get a tan from just looking at the sun, when I am inside of the house, with curtains closed.

Working in a wood factory has given me the skill of picking splinters out of my hands rather fast with a needle.

I also remember roads really well when driving, and know my way even before I went there.


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## DanakinSkywalker (Sep 9, 2013)

Beatboxing.


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## straightshreddd (Sep 9, 2013)

I am at an elite level of hiding boners in public places.


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## The Spanish Inquisition (Sep 9, 2013)

DanakinSkywalker said:


> Beatboxing.



My dubstep beatboxing has let to people admiring me for it. Not totally useless.


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## Taylor (Sep 9, 2013)

Nagash said:


> and for Tim : I can crack my fingers, neck, feet, and *baculum*.


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## icos211 (Sep 9, 2013)

I can get lost while reading the directions to places I've been a hundred times.


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## DanakinSkywalker (Sep 9, 2013)

icos211 said:


> I can get lost while reading the directions to places I've been a hundred times.



Same. But I don't think what we have is a talent.


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## jonajon91 (Sep 9, 2013)

I can control both my eyes individually. One looks up one looks left ETC. It takes a lot of doing and gives me a headache.
I can ride my bike with no hands AND standing up at the same time, a skill that took a lot more effort than I am willing to admit.


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## Underworld (Sep 9, 2013)

I can crack about every bone in my body, including fingers, wrists, toes, ankles, knees, spine, neck and sometimes sternum and elbows 

I can have double vision at will and I am, too, master of the magic eye puzzles just like some stated previously fawk: you guys) 

I am also an ACE at Goldeneye 64 multiplayer mode.


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## Nag (Sep 9, 2013)

GraveyardThrone said:


>



Only Tim and a few chatroom fellows could eventually find this funny


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## Cloudy (Sep 9, 2013)

I can beat Super Mario World in under 15 minutes and beat Ocarina of Time in under an hour because I have mad nerd skills.


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## cwhitey2 (Sep 9, 2013)

I have a knack for remembering peoples faces... Like everyone I have ever met. I usually can't tell you where I met them or how I know them but I never forget a face.


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## Randy (Sep 9, 2013)

Playing guitar


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## skeels (Sep 9, 2013)

Idontpersonally said:


> I can ride my bike with no handlebars
> I can meow like a cat
> I can read anyone within 30 seconds of meeting them* edit i meant their past lives i should have clarified
> I can sleep or stay awake for days
> ...



Fixed.


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## iRaiseTheDead (Sep 9, 2013)

I can "baa" like a sheep.


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## Cabinet (Sep 9, 2013)

I can shred


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## ilyti (Sep 9, 2013)

cwhitey2 said:


> I have a knack for remembering peoples faces... Like everyone I have ever met. I usually can't tell you where I met them or how I know them but I never forget a face.


I have this mostly for actors I've seen on movies/TV. I'm always the one pointing out "Hey I know that guy!" Not personally, obviously. Then if I don't remember what the name is, or where I saw them before, it drives me crazy and I have to look it up on IMDB.

I too can make my pinky and index touch. I'm not ambidextrous, just "co-dominant" which is almost the same thing. I can write in mirror image using my left hand but not my right. I can feel a shape/texture better with my left hand than my right, I pour milk with my left hand, pluck hairs with my left, etc. even though I'm right handed.

I know every capital (well, almost) of every country on the current world map.

I notice the smallest mistakes in signs everywhere I go. I recently saw an ad on a telephone pole that said "Experienced Tuto*u*r Available" - and yes, she misspelled "Tutor." There's a restaurant near my house that says "Sunday Brunch 10:00am to 2:OOpm" and yes, the second one was spelled with the letter "O" instead of zero. It used to drive me crazy every time I saw it. There's way more, but I can't think of them all right now.


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## Nobody_Beats_Vai (Sep 9, 2013)

Hollowway said:


> I can put lipstick on while holding it in my cleavage.



YUM


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## skeels (Sep 9, 2013)

skeels said:


> I am highly skilled at not finishing things that I sta


 

It drives me nuts that it is only the internet that enables me to make jokes like that.

Is that a talent? That it drives me nuts? No?

Well, some people here have posted what seem to me to be OCD as a talent. 

I have an innate ability to notice things that really piss me off. Does that count then? No? 

You know, I bet I am actually really, really good at killing people. I mean, I think about it all the time- y'know, "Ooo, I wish I could just wrap my hands around your neck, you vainglorious plebe!" or "I could just bash your skull open with this jagged rock and drag your corpse off into the woods..." 



Oh! I know! I am supremely talented at supressing my overwhelming desire to kill people! 

Yes. Yes, your welcome.














No, really, I like you guys. I'm kidding. Don't call the police. Thank you.


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## MythicSquirrel (Sep 9, 2013)

I can touch my thumb to my wrist/forearm. Don't really know how to describe it tbh


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## Hyacinth (Sep 9, 2013)

I'm double jointed in my shoulders. I can "jump rope" with my arms. Kind of convenient if I need to get my hands in front of me if I get handcuffed. That actually happened once. Best Buy security thought they were hot shit by cuffing a 17 year old kid who tried to steal a soda. They cuffed my hands behind my back and put me in a super uncomfortable chair, so I just got my hands in front of me real quick while they were out of the room. Then I acted they I didn't know what they were talking about when they asked how I did it.


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## Tree (Sep 9, 2013)

I can twist my hands, and my arms around complete 360 on a flat surface, and I can put my legs behind my head and then proceed to walk on my hands


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## vilk (Sep 10, 2013)

Most of my useless talents have been mentioned. Gleeking, stretchy skin, I can do the hand gesture from the first page, read those 'rune' alphabets that black metal bands love, I can read write and speak Japanese (which I hadn't planned on being useless but lo-and-behold...)


Now, one thing I CAN do that I've never met another living soul who could: So, my pinky is the exact size of my ear hole, so when I put my pinky into my ear hole it makes an airtight suction zone, and then I can pop my pinky out making a loud snapping sound. I often tell people I'm cracking my ear bones, but I'm not really doing that. 



One useless talent I really want to learn is to make that loud whistling sound with my teeth, like a sailor. Can you guys do that? any tips?


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## Winspear (Sep 10, 2013)

I can do that 

My second post in this thread and both have been tongue related...

I shan't post a third


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## Malkav (Sep 10, 2013)

I can stick my shoulderblades out, like a full 20cm raise on my back, quasimido vibes, if I fold my arms above my head I can stick them out sideways as well 

Also my ring finger on both hands is weirdly disjointed, I can flap my hand and keep every finger but them still at will.

I can also twitch my ears, or rather I can move them into two different positions which when done quickly looks like flapping/twitching - I've actually found that different frequencies are accentuated slightly depending on which position they're in, this may have something to do with the way it shifts my ear canal.

I can roll my tongue as well, in the traditional forward curl sense and the make a funnel to spit more accurately kinda way as well


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## Edika (Sep 10, 2013)

After eating a weird and funny tasting fruit I can stretch my whole body like it's made of rubber and after intense training I can use haki to detect life forms, harden my skin and... oh wait that's One Piece.

After bitten by a radio active spider I am have the proportionate strength of a spider, able to jump several meters in the air, stick to walls and have a sense that warns me of dange... oh wait that's Spiderman.

After having my wife and baby killed by drug crazed junkies I took my revenge on the NY underworld and I became a dark, tormented detective in the NY police that joined forces with a hot hitwoman and untangle a war between secret factions and the mob started by a Russian criminal that's also a frie... no wait that's Max Payne 1 and 2.

So another of my useless talent is being immersed in cartoons/animes, comic books and games that I find the story too compelling.


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## CrushingAnvil (Sep 10, 2013)

straightshreddd said:


> I'm good at making analogies. It's pretty useless, but can be pretty damn funny or crucial in unimportant arguments.



I study logic as part of my philosophy degree, so I'm the kind of arsehole who wouldn't give an analogy for a formula/argument and just be like "go". I don't tutor, but if I did I'd be incredibly mean. 

Useless talents? None. I find a use for them eventually. 

..... Actually.

Being able to tell you facts about less-famous actors in movies and tell you where they're from.

E.g. Kevin from _The Wonder Years_ is in _Austin Powers: Goldmember_ as the 'Mole'.


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## Idontpersonally (Sep 10, 2013)

Nagash said:


> and for Tim : I can crack my fingers, neck, feet, and baculum.



+1
I do these at least once a day

Ha can anyone do that water drop sound when you pluck your mouth and kind of open it at the same time? I can only get it like 1 out of 5 times or so i have to concentrate

I can still tumble a little bit, I used to be able to do like 5+ backflips in a row, i dont think its really a talent but people still get amazed over backflips lol but i can still hold handstands n stuff for a long time


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## Robrecht (Sep 10, 2013)

Idontpersonally said:


> Ha can anyone do that water drop sound when you pluck your mouth and kind of open it at the same time? I can only get it like 1 out of 5 times or so i have to concentrate



I can, with reasonable consistency.  I love to do it in public and then look around acting surprised.


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## Webmaestro (Sep 10, 2013)

A couple...

I can do totally opposing rotations with each hand (you kinda have to see it to understand what the hell I'm talking about)

With my foot, I can flick clothing right up into my hands. That one's actually kinda useful...


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## MFB (Sep 10, 2013)

CrushingAnvil said:


> E.g. Kevin from _The Wonder Years_ is in _Austin Powers: Goldmember_ as the 'Mole'.



Better fact would be that his real name is Fred Savage, older brother to Ben Savage who played the role of Cory Matthews in "Boy Meets World" and will be reprising the role in ABC's new sitcom, "Girl Meets World"

He also does a lot of producing


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## Varcolac (Sep 10, 2013)

ilyti said:


> I notice the smallest mistakes in signs everywhere I go. I recently saw an ad on a telephone pole that said "Experienced Tuto*u*r Available" - and yes, she misspelled "Tutor." There's a restaurant near my house that says "Sunday Brunch 10:00am to 2:OOpm" and yes, the second one was spelled with the letter "O" instead of zero. It used to drive me crazy every time I saw it. There's way more, but I can't think of them all right now.



There's an advertisement on some buses in London touting "thousand's of great deals." Makes my skin crawl. I worked as an English as a Foreign Language teacher for three years and I've just started training to be a secondary school History teacher though, so my grammar Communism isn't exactly without use.

Grammar Communism, 'cause grammar is descriptive not prescriptive, and common usage is a matter of consensus. Sounds far more Socialist than National Socialist to me.


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## EcoliUVA (Sep 10, 2013)

straightshreddd said:


> I am at an elite level of hiding boners in public places.



...I thought this thread was for useless talents?


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## icos211 (Sep 10, 2013)

straightshreddd said:


> I am at an elite level of hiding boners in public places.



Me too, I hide them in your mother. 


Too easy


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## Thep (Sep 10, 2013)

Not really a talent as much as a genetic trait, but I can do this:






and this:







I dont know how common it is, but some people have freaked out when they saw me doing it.


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## Randy (Sep 10, 2013)

^^^^
Have you ever been in an Aphex Twin video, by chance?


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## straightshreddd (Sep 10, 2013)

EcoliUVA said:


> ...I thought this thread was for useless talents?



Technically, it is a rather useful talent. However, boners are totally natural. Why must we hide something so uncontrollable and normal because it offends people? Why do our erect peens offend people? People should just not look at dudes' swollen members, and they won't have to encounter them. Unless, you want to, that is. haha

I say we stop hiding them. I say we band together and walk around with hard ons all the time. Not because we want to rebel, but because there's nothing wrong with with "standing up" for for what you believe in.


Boners Unite!



haha Although I'm totally just f*ckin' around, there's a subtle "point" behind my little, or not so little ;D, rant.



And that's enough internet for the day.


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## Skyblue (Sep 10, 2013)

Idontpersonally said:


> Ha can anyone do that water drop sound when you pluck your mouth and kind of open it at the same time? I can only get it like 1 out of 5 times or so i have to concentrate


Yep, I drive my friend nuts with it  she wants to kill me every time I do it. 

Oh, and yeah, that's me. I was bored at the base and it was 1AM, I don't really spin actively anymore... Kinda miss it.


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## Chuck (Sep 11, 2013)

I can slice a 5 or 6 pound turkey in 4 minutes!

AKA; Jimmy Johns Ninja


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## Hollowway (Sep 11, 2013)

^Perhaps, but he got closer to the correct spelling than me trying to spell it in German.


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## teamSKDM (Sep 11, 2013)

I can rap pretty fast. I'm also very good at making 20 second hilarious songs I sing to my friends.


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## The Spanish Inquisition (Sep 11, 2013)

I can speak Dutch very quickly and I have a huge vocabulary, both Dutch and English.


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## Malkav (Sep 11, 2013)

I have an amazing body clock, in the sense that if I know I need to be up at a certain time regardless of having an alarm set I will wake up at that time. If I do decide to doze off again after waking up though then I'm screwed 

It also works the other way around as I recently went on leave cause I'm killing off my leave before my resignation and despite the fact that my alarm was still set I managed to sleep through it every single day, when I came off leave I woke up at the specified time with no issue.


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## sniperfreak223 (Sep 11, 2013)

I speak fluent German, a very useless "talent" in today's world where most Germans speak English.


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## wheresthefbomb (Sep 11, 2013)

After more than a decade I still have 98% of Diablo II Unique and Set items memorized, as well as the greater part of available random Magic and Rare item attributes, more or less by level. I still play DII, so it's not a complete waste.


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## DarkWolfXV (Sep 11, 2013)

I can bend my fingers at will. I think its called hypermobility or something and when I "autobend" all fingers in one hand it looks like an alien paw. Technically, with practice, it could allow me to do stuff like:
|1----
|x----
|1----
on guitar with a single finger, but haven't tried it yet. I can see the potential. Ultra complex chawds and stuffs without using both hands . Too bad I almost never use full chords. Also due to finger stretching I can make a circle with my index and middle finger on both hands. Also stretch the part in my index finger 90 degrees. Once a nurse told me I'll have trouble grasping things when im very old.

EDIT: Someone posted it before me, I meant this:



Thep said:


> Not really a talent as much as a genetic trait, but I can do this:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



But unlike in the picture the fingers also bend in the middle part not only the top part.

Also, I can do a 22 second growl. I mean, as in a low gurgle type of growl. Barely anyone growls above 10 seconds, though. Speaking of this, not so useless, I have a loud voice, or so do the people tell me. Quick metabolism is another one.


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## Idontpersonally (Sep 11, 2013)

I can read fluent spanish, its only useless because I dont remember anything I learned from spanish classes other than how to enunciate the the consonants and vowels. So i can speed through words [ I sound like a telemundo news reporter] and impress Spanish people, i just dont know what im actually saying jaja


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## pink freud (Sep 11, 2013)

Thep said:


> Not really a talent as much as a genetic trait, but I can do this:
> 
> 
> 
> ...



A good trick with this that I do with my fingers: Place your hand on a table, and "slam" your other hand in a fist down on your hand, and pop your finger/thumb backwards when you hit. Totally freaks people out into thinking you broke your own hand (if only for an initial shock).


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## Wrecklyss (Sep 11, 2013)

i can belch offensively loud. I have a habit of coming home after work, walking in the door and letting a huge one go, which is shortly followed by one of my room mates shouting "GROSS!" kind of our ritual.


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## sniperfreak223 (Sep 11, 2013)

straightshreddd said:


> Technically, it is a rather useful talent. However, boners are totally natural. Why must we hide something so uncontrollable and normal because it offends people? Why do our erect peens offend people? People should just not look at dudes' swollen members, and they won't have to encounter them. Unless, you want to, that is. haha
> 
> I say we stop hiding them. I say we band together and walk around with hard ons all the time. Not because we want to rebel, but because there's nothing wrong with with "standing up" for for what you believe in.
> 
> ...




I've secretly thought about walking around at semi-chub in public to see how many ladies I could catch "meat watching"...


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## User Name (Sep 11, 2013)

i can read fukking minds


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## jbab (Sep 12, 2013)

Hollowway said:


> I can put lipstick on while holding it in my cleavage.



Pics/video?


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## jbab (Sep 12, 2013)

I can ride a unicycle


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## TVasquez96 (Sep 12, 2013)

I can make noises that are almost identical to a monkey. I can perfectly imitate Stitch, bulbasaur, and jigglypuff.


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## will_shred (Sep 12, 2013)

good god I can't believe this thread is still alive 

Another one of mine, I can play musical glasses. My girlfriend showed me how to do it


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## vilk (Sep 13, 2013)

will_shred said:


> good god I can't believe this thread is still alive
> 
> Another one of mine, I can play musical glasses. My girlfriend showed me how to do it



is that like musical chairs for people with vision problems?

fake edit: I know you're talking about a glass harp I just wanted to make a joke...


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## caskettheclown (Sep 13, 2013)

Pezshreds said:


> I can continually crack my big toe on my left foot as many times as I want.........



I can do that too! Both big toes and my wrists.

back in my drug days I had a really really high natural tolerance.

The biggest thing is I am usually able to get people I just met to open up to me about crazy stuff. I know some deep dark secrets about people I barely know.


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## TVasquez96 (Sep 13, 2013)

I can imitate Roz from Monsters Inc and I can also pull my thumb back and touch my wrist


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## skeels (Sep 13, 2013)

The first thing is called a hithchiker's thumb. It runs in my family.




Thep said:


> Not really a talent as much as a genetic trait, but I can do this:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 
This second thing is called TOTALLY FREAKING WEIRD! WHAT THE HELL!?!


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## Konfyouzd (Sep 13, 2013)

Ghost inhale and smoke rings I can do... But what qualifiies as a useless talent? Does my ability to play guitar, bass and saxophone while not making any money doing it qualify as a useless talent? How about my uncanny ability to attract women with my dashing good looks and pay stubs and then turn them off with my pedantic application of logic? 

I'm also fairly good at imitations but it's something I've been playing around with since I was really young since most of my friends were cartoon characters when I was a kid. Yea... The life I lead is a sad one... *forever alone*

I can also beatbox and for some reason I think my niece is trying to do that shit now (she's 1 year old)... I have far too much influence over that child and I'm not sure it's a good thing.


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## iRaiseTheDead (Sep 19, 2013)

MythicSquirrel said:


> I can touch my thumb to my wrist/forearm. Don't really know how to describe it tbh



I can also do this!


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## caskettheclown (Sep 20, 2013)

ITT: People doing really weird things with their hands.


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## The Spanish Inquisition (Sep 20, 2013)

caskettheclown said:


> ITT: People doing really weird things with their hands.



I only need one hand for my weird things.


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## Mprinsje (Sep 20, 2013)

I have the totally useless talent to piss people off by being happy all the time.

people get really annoyed by it, which makes me even happier because it's the funniest thing ever.


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## wespaul (Sep 21, 2013)

I can burp for long periods of time. The longest I've actually been timed was 13 seconds, which doesn't sound that long until you bring out a stopwatch to see. I think I've gone longer, but it just wasn't timed. When people hear it for the first time, most of them (sans women) react with "whoa! that's awesome! do it again, I want my friend to hear it!" but after awhile they start to find it more annoying. I remember my ex-wife bitching over having to rewind the tivo because I burped over a whole plot point one time.


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## sage (Sep 23, 2013)

I can wiggle my ears.
I can do super wide variety of stereotypical ethnic accents, including but not limited to: German, Hindi, Australian, Scottish, English, Chinese, Old Jewish Man, Louisianan, Texan, New Mexican, Mexican, Russian... I don't even really have to try, I can slip into a wacky accent any time I want for comic relief. 
I can eat ice cream as fast as I want without getting an ice cream headache. Slurpees are a different matter, however.
Flipping things. Like bottles and stuff. I used to do it a lot when I tended bar. I still flip stuff around. 
Entertaining kids. I don't know what it is, but kids love me. Which is weird, because I don't really want to be yapping with a bunch of nuggets, but they seem to gravitate toward me. Hell, I barely have the time and patience to deal with my own children most of the time, but put me in a room with a bunch of families and all the kids will be hanging off me in like five minutes flat.


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## GizmoJunior (Sep 23, 2013)

I can make a realistic fapping noise with my hands. I used to piss this girl off all the time in my high school music theory class.


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## Thep (Sep 23, 2013)

sage said:


> I can wiggle my ears.
> I can do super wide variety of stereotypical ethnic accents, including but not limited to: German, Hindi, Australian, Scottish, English, Chinese, Old Jewish Man, Louisianan, Texan, New Mexican, Mexican, Russian... I don't even really have to try, I can slip into a wacky accent any time I want for comic relief.



Many people claim to have this talent, but its extremely rare that anyone impresses me, but depending on how cultured your audience is it might not matter. 

For example, the stereotypical Asian accent sounds nothing like Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Thai/Lao, etc., all of which have their own distinct characteristics. Unless you've spent significant time with one of those groups, you can't do an accurate Asian accent, only the stereotype of one. 

Its not about the magnifying the obvious inflections and stereotypes of the accents, its very much in the subtleties, diction, speed, and culture.


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## patata (Sep 24, 2013)

While drunk,I can laugh and fart with the same rhythm,whilst peeing.
I've done it once at least,was freaking hilarious.


EDIT


> I can alter my perception and/or hallucinate at will
> I can imitate any vocalist



cool!


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## ASoC (Sep 24, 2013)

I can speak and text completely coherently while stoned off my ass, the usefulness of this ability is limited by the fact that I suddenly find everything funny and laugh a lot

My farts can instantly singe the nose hairs of anyone within 10 feet of the blast zone

I can also do this with my tongue


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## Leuchty (Sep 24, 2013)

I can throw peanuts/M&Ms/etc. up and catch them in my mouth... Like, 64 in a row.

People can also throw them across the room to me and I will catch them.


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## Leuchty (Sep 24, 2013)

baron samedi said:


> Now, one thing I CAN do that I've never met another living soul who could: So, my pinky is the exact size of my ear hole, so when I put my pinky into my ear hole it makes an airtight suction zone, and then I can pop my pinky out making a loud snapping sound. I often tell people I'm cracking my ear bones, but I'm not really doing that.




I can do this!


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## myampslouder (Sep 24, 2013)

Play guitar........

Has been the most useless money pit since day one but for some unknown reason I can't give it up


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## dreamermind (Sep 24, 2013)

I live in Ukraine . and believe me you need talent for that.


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## vilk (Sep 24, 2013)

CYBERSYN said:


> I can do this!



dude seriously? You would be the first person I've ever heard of other than me. Have you ever met someone else who can do it?


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## Leuchty (Sep 24, 2013)

baron samedi said:


> dude seriously? You would be the first person I've ever heard of other than me. Have you ever met someone else who can do it?



I am serious! I do it all the time and my wife looks at me like Im a freak 

If I see you when Im in Kyoto I will prove it! 

Haven't met anyone else that can do it.


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## SeanSan (Sep 27, 2013)

I wake up before 10am, no matter how late I sleep. I just decide to sleep in if sleep wasn't sufficient 
I can turn my right foot 180 degrees.
I can "baa" like a sheep too!
I can make a weird inhaling jet ski noise.
I can eternally crack my big toe on my left foot.
I shit really fast. (less than 3 minutes if I have a bidet, I've been called "thundershitter" by my friends) 
I can read and write Korean (I can't understand a word though)
I'm pretty good at throwing things and hitting people on the head with them.

I gotta figure out what I wanna do with my life


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## sniperfreak223 (Sep 27, 2013)

SeanSan said:


> I wake up before 10am, no matter how late I sleep. I just decide to sleep in if sleep wasn't sufficient
> I can turn my right foot 180 degrees.
> I can "baa" like a sheep too!
> I can make a weird inhaling jet ski noise.
> ...



Creepy fetish porn. that's what you need to do with your life.

*I was expecting something a lot more br00tal for post number 666, but oh well, it had to be said*


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## Sunyata (Sep 27, 2013)

baron samedi said:


> dude seriously? You would be the first person I've ever heard of other than me. Have you ever met someone else who can do it?



I can do this too. We should start an elitist club. An elitist club that would put Mensa to shame...


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## Idontpersonally (Sep 30, 2013)

I can kind of do this


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## vilk (Sep 30, 2013)

^What even is that!!!!


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## will_shred (Oct 1, 2013)

Idontpersonally said:


> I can kind of do this


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## Vhyle (Oct 1, 2013)

baron samedi said:


> Now, one thing I CAN do that I've never met another living soul who could: So, my pinky is the exact size of my ear hole, so when I put my pinky into my ear hole it makes an airtight suction zone, and then I can pop my pinky out making a loud snapping sound. I often tell people I'm cracking my ear bones, but I'm not really doing that.



Doesn't that put a lot of stress on your eardrum?


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## Tyler (Oct 1, 2013)

I have no talents.. so I guess thats still useless


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