# Shitty date stories



## wannabguitarist (Mar 2, 2010)

Anyone have any interesting (ie: generally bad) date stories? Generally shitty/awkward/weird/scary/bat-shit insane dates. Everyone has them, so let's hear it

Inspiration:
Guinness 

And I just got back from dinner with some girl that ranks as one of the most boring people I've ever attempted to have conversation with. She was hot and I was stoned which are both pluses in the "dealing with people that are boring as fuck" category but I couldn't deal with conversation any longer so I bullshitted about a paper I had to write and took her home. Now I'm collecting shit from the room mates for "letting her go"


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## Demiurge (Mar 2, 2010)

wannabguitarist said:


> bat-shit insane



At the end of a horrible blind date, a bat flew into this girl's apartment and I had to chase it out with a broom- does that count? It was a shame, because the bat was much hotter than the girl.


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## Harry (Mar 2, 2010)

Demiurge said:


> At the end of a horrible blind date, a bat flew into this girl's apartment and I had to chase it out with a broom- does that count? It was a shame, because the bat was much hotter than the girl.


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## jymellis (Mar 2, 2010)

one time me and some friends went on a group date. i ate 10 hits of acid. the rest i thought was funny. my buddies thought was funny. girls no likey.


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## Jogeta (Mar 2, 2010)

i wanna hear moooooooooooooar! come on ss.org!


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## kingpinMS3 (Mar 2, 2010)

I dated this girl for a few months that was dumb as a fucking rock. Don't get me wrong, i don't have the most expansive vocabulary in the world, but she kept telling me to "stop using such big words, it makes me feel dumb"

she left me soon after for some dude she met on myspace.


I also had a run of a few girls that would just use me for a free dinner and entertainment. after spending a (relative) shotload of money they would tell me after the date, "sorry i'm just not attracted to you". well then why the fuck didn't you tell me before i spent all this cash trying to get in your pants?!


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## Ckackley (Mar 2, 2010)

I went out on a date after I got divorced years ago with a girl that was absolutely gorgeous. We met on-line. That should have warned me.. 
I'd seen pics and knew she was pretty,but when we met she was smoking hot. 

We proceed with the night and she keeps talking bout her dog. Then she proceeded to show me a stack of pictures of this dog. Like thirty.. Then she started talking religion.  After a couple hours she got kind of sad. I asked if something was wrong , and she said that she isn't usually away from the dog this long and hoped it was all right. I suggested we end the night and she go home to check on the dog. Her number got tossed into my woodstove upon getting home.. 
Not a horrible date, but strange ...


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## orb451 (Mar 2, 2010)

I have a LOT of shitty date stories. Too many to list. Here's a classic dumbfuck thing that I pulled once.

Pull up to girls' place to pick her up.
Get out of the car and run around to her side to let her in.
My door slams shut. Engine running, car in park.
She takes those *few* extra seconds to get to my car.
Car decides to auto-lock doors.
I am now locked out of my car with the engine running... Had to have her brother come out with a coat hanger and I was actually able to use it as a slim-jim to get back in. Priceless facepalm epic date fail. Needless to say we didn't date much after that.

Dating blows, I'm glad I'm getting married now... no more of that scene.


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## Adam Of Angels (Mar 2, 2010)

jymellis said:


> one time me and some friends went on a group date. i ate 10 hits of acid. the rest i thought was funny. my buddies thought was funny. girls no likey.



Holy fuck dude. You should get an award.


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## leandroab (Mar 2, 2010)

I dated my right hand once. 









It has been 6 years now that we married...








jymellis said:


> one time me and some friends went on a group date. i ate 10 hits of acid. the rest i thought was funny. my buddies thought was funny. girls no likey.



Jym, I love you! hahahahha


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## 13point9 (Mar 2, 2010)

Was with a girl for a few months with an ex model (should have realised) that whenever the convocation drifted off of her onto me even if i was relating to something she said, she would flip out and say "why is it always about you? I want to talk about me for a change"  that got old REAL quick...  Then 2 months after we split she came to a show i was doing and declared that I raped her  fortunately people just laughed her out of the venue as they knew the kind of guy I am (a pushover basically back then)

I then had three months of her calling me trying to get me back and every time I said no she would flip out and said she would get people to "come find me" so yeah that was a bit ape shit. I was with a girl who i found out was obsessing over her ex the entire time, that was pretty bad seeing as they had split over a year before we met lol


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## biggness (Mar 2, 2010)

My friend and I went on a double date once. We all ended up back at his house. Out of nowhere, my friend decides to surprise attack his date and lock her in his closet. Her friend, who was my date, decided to try and defend/protect her friend, so she ended up in the closet too. He then convinced them that he had just killed me for getting in the way and was about to do some horrible things to them. They kinna started to freak out at that moment. He decides that he is he going to climb through the attic, job a hole through the ceiling and drench them with a water hose. His plan failed. He fell through the ceiling and became trapped in the closet with the two crazy women. They freaked out and started attacking my friend like they were fighting for their life or something.  So I could no longer pretend to be dead and had to unlock the closet for my friend. The girls were not happy to see me alive. They didn't care that we were doing a documentary on how people react to fear. In hindsight, we should have made a documentary on how hoes will be hoes...









No this isn't a true story, cause i have never been on a date. It would be awesome to do though, right?


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## Adam Of Angels (Mar 2, 2010)

Jesus, dude, what the fuck?  What makes you think of that?


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## WarriorOfMetal (Mar 2, 2010)

Maybe that's WHY he's never been on a date...


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## BigPhi84 (Mar 2, 2010)

WTF? LOL.


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## poopyalligator (Mar 2, 2010)

I have a good story. 

There was this time a few years back that i was going out with this girl. I had never met her parents before, so i guess they were worried that i wasnt a good guy. So anyway we ended up going to dinner one day at a nice restaurant. I kept noticing this couple that a couple of tables away, and noticed they kept looking at us. So I take a couple of glances back and think to myself (wow that lady looks kind of like my girlfriend). So I put together the pieces really quickly and realized that her parents were fuckbags and had to check me out before they could approve of me dating their daughter. So I decided to make the evening a little awkward by asking these "random people" to have dinner with us. The sad thing was they were all still going with the act and not telling me that they were the parents. So I said I had to go to the bathroom and then I left the restaurant leaving them to pay the bill. Like an hour later the girl calls me back crying telling me she was sorry. I had only gone out with this girl for like two weeks so i just ended it there. Pretty funny night though lol


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## Adam Of Angels (Mar 2, 2010)

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha - you're the man


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## Origin (Mar 2, 2010)

Dated a psycho/became 'special friends' for about 9 months afterwards. Not much to tell except the times when I grew balls and told her to piss off in awesome ways.  the most annoying part was how she wore tights as pants. EVERY DAY. Does anyone else interact with chicks who do this? They're not exactly opaque, it's fucking stupid, TIGHTS AREN'T PANTS. Not that I was complaining at the time I was getting sex like 3 times a day but in the end it wasn't worth putting up with her stupidity. That and she believes 2012 might happen. -___- There's an intelligence cutoff with me, sorry.


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## wannabguitarist (Mar 2, 2010)

jymellis said:


> one time me and some friends went on a group date. i ate 10 hits of acid. the rest i thought was funny. my buddies thought was funny. girls no likey.





So how did you feel?



biggness said:


> *awesome fake story*



I was gonna say that your friend is my hero, but that was fake



Origin said:


> the most annoying part was how she wore tights as pants. EVERY DAY. Does anyone else interact with chicks who do this? They're not exactly opaque, it's fucking stupid, TIGHTS AREN'T PANTS.



Last girl I was with, referred to them as "leggings." I thought it looked pretty good (though it is stupid)


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## Tiger (Mar 2, 2010)

I experienced the whole 'take girl out on a date who gets food poisoning and starts vomiting a few minutes into oral sex' thing one time.


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## quasarwaves (Mar 2, 2010)

poopyalligator said:


> I have a good story.
> 
> There was this time a few years back that i was going out with this girl. I had never met her parents before, so i guess they were worried that i wasnt a good guy. So anyway we ended up going to dinner one day at a nice restaurant. I kept noticing this couple that a couple of tables away, and noticed they kept looking at us. So I take a couple of glances back and think to myself (wow that lady looks kind of like my girlfriend). So I put together the pieces really quickly and realized that her parents were fuckbags and had to check me out before they could approve of me dating their daughter. So I decided to make the evening a little awkward by asking these "random people" to have dinner with us. The sad thing was they were all still going with the act and not telling me that they were the parents. So I said I had to go to the bathroom and then I left the restaurant leaving them to pay the bill. Like an hour later the girl calls me back crying telling me she was sorry. I had only gone out with this girl for like two weeks so i just ended it there. Pretty funny night though lol




Dude that is legendary. ROFL


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## Origin (Mar 2, 2010)

Tiger said:


> I experienced the whole 'take girl out on a date who gets food poisoning and starts vomiting a few minutes into oral sex' thing one time.



THAT IS AWESOME


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## Tiger (Mar 2, 2010)

It wasnt. She didnt like spew on me or anything, but at the time it was a blow to my self esteem.

See what I did there?


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## 13point9 (Mar 2, 2010)

Tiger said:


> It wasnt. She didnt like spew on me or anything, but at the time it was a blow to my self esteem.
> 
> See what I did there?


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## Tiger (Mar 2, 2010)

Thank you.


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## Neil (Mar 2, 2010)

I'm English, so rather than actually ask girls out I spend months getting to know them without actually telling them how I feel before they get drunk one night and kiss someone else...


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## sevenstringj (Mar 2, 2010)

A shitty date is when I'm about to pay for something, and a little voice in my head says "Heheheh, you're not getting any." And then I pay anyway. 



Neil said:


> I'm English, so rather than actually ask girls out I spend months getting to know them without actually telling them how I feel before they get drunk one night and kiss someone else...



Oh yeah. That, too.


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## Jogeta (Mar 2, 2010)

Neil said:


> I'm English, so rather than actually ask girls out I spend months getting to know them without actually telling them how I feel before they get drunk one night and kiss someone else...



+1

thank goodness for stiff upper lips, tea and XL scale guitars!


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## quasarwaves (Mar 2, 2010)

Tiger said:


> It wasnt. She didnt like spew on me or anything, but at the time it was a blow to my self esteem.
> 
> See what I did there?




I actually did have one spew on me before. we were both drunk, and i guess i was being a little rough on her. By far the grossest thing I've had to go through. I mean I used to work at a butcher shop so I've seen and smelled some horrific things, but this trumped it. The worst part though was that right after she bonches all over me, her fucking brother randomly walks into the room, drunk out of his skull, so she fuckin jumps on top of me, and throws a blanket over top of us. It was the ultimate mess. I had to keep myself from vomiting for like a good 10 minutes while cleaning off.


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## lobee (Mar 2, 2010)

The ultimate in shitty date stories(literally and figuratively; pun highly intended): Worst possible "date" ever...I don't even... FML (serios) - Bodybuilding.com Forums (NSFW)


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## leftyguitarjoe (Mar 2, 2010)

I've never been on a formal pre-planned date 

I've gone to places with no intention of anything happening and have had things happen unexpectedly.

I'm a hermit. I play guitar too much and do too many drugs to worry about dating

Life is much more simpler once you learn to not care about dating and relationships


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## Necky379 (Mar 2, 2010)

we get dropped off in a parking lot with two trucks parked in it, mine and my buddy's. feeling drunk we decide to get down to business in the parking lot. my truck was full of shit and cramped, my buddy's truck is huge and clean...and unlocked. back seat goes down we make use of the space. the big moment comes, i pull out and boom. she gets pissed and grabs the closest thing to wipe it off, a jacket. i use the jacket as well to "clean". the next day my buddy is wearing the jacket, i told him about a month later and he did not see the humor in it.


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## Adam Of Angels (Mar 2, 2010)

^

This thread is great


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## 13point9 (Mar 2, 2010)

lobee said:


> The ultimate in shitty date stories(literally and figuratively; pun highly intended): Worst possible "date" ever...I don't even... FML (serios) - Bodybuilding.com Forums (NSFW)



my GOD thats an EPIC fail


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## leandroab (Mar 2, 2010)

lobee said:


> The ultimate in shitty date stories(literally and figuratively; pun highly intended): Worst possible "date" ever...I don't even... FML (serios) - Bodybuilding.com Forums (NSFW)



Ahhh, this one is an internet classic!


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## Necky379 (Mar 2, 2010)

this one of the funniest things i think ive ever read



lobee said:


> The ultimate in shitty date stories(literally and figuratively; pun highly intended): Worst possible "date" ever...I don't even... FML (serios) - Bodybuilding.com Forums (NSFW)


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## poopyalligator (Mar 2, 2010)

Necky379 said:


> we get dropped off in a parking lot with two trucks parked in it, mine and my buddy's. feeling drunk we decide to get down to business in the parking lot. my truck was full of shit and cramped, my buddy's truck is huge and clean...and unlocked. back seat goes down we make use of the space. the big moment comes, i pull out and boom. she gets pissed and grabs the closest thing to wipe it off, a jacket. i use the jacket as well to "clean". the next day my buddy is wearing the jacket, i told him about a month later and he did not see the humor in it.



Hahahaha


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## Adam Of Angels (Mar 2, 2010)

> WTF?!?! The FIRST girl that shows interest in me.. I have to go and **** in her bathtub????


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## sevenstringj (Mar 2, 2010)

lobee said:


> The ultimate in shitty date stories(literally and figuratively; pun highly intended): Worst possible "date" ever...I don't even... FML (serios) - Bodybuilding.com Forums (NSFW)



I can't believe his solution is to carry a pee bottle. As opposed to, y'know, peeing and shitting into a readily available toilet like a normal person.


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## xiphoscesar (Mar 2, 2010)

well i have a good story:
I was going out with this emo chick at the time, and she ended dumping me. Her best friend and I were talking at the time, and she told me she liked me.So i went over to her place to watch a movie and ended up fucking.Then we got together after that  (no lie ).
So we pretty much fucked before even going out. She dumped me 6 months later.


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## CatPancakes (Mar 2, 2010)

xiphoscesar said:


> well i have a good story:
> I was going out with this emo chick at the time, and she ended dumping me. Her best friend and I were talking at the time, and she told me she liked me.So i went over to her place to watch a movie and ended up fucking.Then we got together after that  (no lie ).
> So we pretty much fucked before even going out. She dumped me 6 months later.



yea that must have been really shitty.


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## MFB (Mar 2, 2010)

This one time, at the Lamb of God/Children of Bodom/God Forbid/As I Lay Dying/Municipal Waste, I met this little blonde chick who was hanging with us guys at the 3rd row from the stage and all I got was a phone number and finding out she lived at the opposite end of the state


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## Riffer (Mar 2, 2010)

The fucking link to that thread is god damn amazing! How does that even happen? It's like in the movie Along Came Polly but about 100 times worse. It IS the definition of EPIC FAIL.....period!


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## All_¥our_Bass (Mar 3, 2010)

orb451 said:


> Dating blows


Which is why I don't bother.

I have absolutely no desire to be in a relationship.


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## wannabguitarist (Mar 3, 2010)

Necky379 said:


> we get dropped off in a parking lot with two trucks parked in it, mine and my buddy's. feeling drunk we decide to get down to business in the parking lot. my truck was full of shit and cramped, my buddy's truck is huge and clean...and unlocked. back seat goes down we make use of the space. the big moment comes, i pull out and boom. she gets pissed and grabs the closest thing to wipe it off, a jacket. i use the jacket as well to "clean". the next day my buddy is wearing the jacket, i told him about a month later and he did not see the humor in it.



While not "shitty" that is hilarious 



CatPancakes said:


> yea that must have been really shitty.



I know, totally feel his pain



sevenstringj said:


> A shitty date is when I'm about to pay for something, and a little voice in my head says "Heheheh, you're not getting any." And then I pay anyway.



Unless you date total sluts (or you pull a JJ and drug her) you can't just expect something to always happen on the first date 



Neil said:


> I'm English, so rather than actually ask girls out I spend months getting to know them without actually telling them how I feel before they get drunk one night and kiss someone else...



I knew you brits were pansies


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## 13point9 (Mar 3, 2010)

wannabguitarist said:


> I knew you brits were pansies



and yet chicks from the US fucking love us


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## Xiphos68 (Mar 3, 2010)

biggness said:


> My friend and I went on a double date once. We all ended up back at his house. Out of nowhere, my friend decides to surprise attack his date and lock her in his closet. Her friend, who was my date, decided to try and defend/protect her friend, so she ended up in the closet too. He then convinced them that he had just killed me for getting in the way and was about to do some horrible things to them. They kinna started to freak out at that moment. He decides that he is he going to climb through the attic, job a hole through the ceiling and drench them with a water hose. His plan failed. He fell through the ceiling and became trapped in the closet with the two crazy women. They freaked out and started attacking my friend like they were fighting for their life or something.  So I could no longer pretend to be dead and had to unlock the closet for my friend. The girls were not happy to see me alive. They didn't care that we were doing a documentary on how people react to fear. In hindsight, we should have made a documentary on how hoes will be hoes...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


ROFL!


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## JohnIce (Mar 3, 2010)

xiphoscesar said:


> well i have a good story:
> I was going out with this emo chick at the time, and she ended dumping me. Her best friend and I were talking at the time, and she told me she liked me.So i went over to her place to watch a movie and ended up fucking.Then we got together after that  (no lie ).
> So we pretty much fucked before even going out. She dumped me 6 months later.


 
That's not a shitty date story, dude... and fucking before dating isn't uncommon at all, alcohol has been providing that for us since the dawn of time.

Anyway, I don't date, as I find bars to be more resourceful for these types of things, but I do have a funny story.

I pick up a really cute girl at a mate's party, we become fast friends etc. We're both set to sleep over at my mate's place, so I think "Awesome, I'm getting laid tonight, no beers wasted!" As the night moves on though, more and more people go to sleep in the available beds, sofas, floors etc., and there's no longer a place for us to be in private.

We end up on a blow-up mattress next to another mate of mine. I count my losses and realize I'm just not getting any tonight. But we keep talking, and after a while she says she wants to have sex anyway. My mate is drunk out of his head and snoring, I'm drunk too, so I say go for it. Then I realize I don't have a condom... she says it's ok, she's on pills. But I really don't want to have unprotected sex with a stranger. She gets pissed, so I finger her and then go to asleep.

Half a year later, I hear about her again. Shortly after that night, she got back with her old boyfriend. During their time apart though, she'd caught clamydia, but didn't say anything to him because she was so desperate to get him back, and 5 months later he finds out on his own.

Lesson learned: When fate tells you to not have sex with her, don't. She wants to do biological warfare on your family jewels.


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## Necky379 (Mar 3, 2010)

JohnIce said:


> That's not a shitty date story, dude... and fucking before dating isn't uncommon at all, alcohol has been providing that for us since the dawn of time.
> 
> Anyway, I don't date, as I find bars to be more resourceful for these types of things, but I do have a funny story.
> 
> ...



damn you dodged a bullet with that one


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## Dr Terror (Mar 3, 2010)

I guess I've got a story that fits this bill. Nothing too shitty, don't get the hopes up, but it does get better. Actually, the text to payoff ratio is shit & I tell you now to ignore this post . Its also rather shallow, but behold the true heart of man.

Went on a blind double date with my mate who desperately need a girlfriend. I already had a pseudo-girlfriend/casual root so my main objective was to get this dude laid (& me too, why not ), as he was still a virgin at 21 & kind of immature from it. So the story go's, chatting on MSN these two girls agree to double date us, they looked pretty hot in their pics (u know where this is going) & claimed to be totally metal & muso's themselves etc. Fuckin score right? Well, We go to pick them up & as they come out the house - revelation.

One is actually only half a hottie, the other - total hippo. Me & my mate exchanged a look that said "I ain't taking Buttercup" - but it didnt matter as the half-hottie had already taking a liking to me on the net, so he was stuck with lard to spare. Date rolls on, turns out their idea of metal was nowhere near ours, the only time I've heard of Sum 41 being classed as metal.... & that part about being muso's? A lie. It was pretty apparent we were not what they had in mind & vice versa - they were as fake & as it got, younger then they admitted (still well legal don't worry) & just generally were nothing like their online persona's (big surprise). We spent most of the night in silence trying to spark conversation between two grotty metal dudes & these girly girls in "rock chick" apparel bought specifically for the date.

Needless to say, date was supremely awkward for all involved - a disaster by any measure. We take them home & the departure couldn't have been more weird - no feign "that was great" or "see you again" or anything customary, just "kthxbi" from all involved .

Epilogue: Friend gets a text from the fat girl later that night, sparks a huge conversation lasting until morning - ends up dating her for 3 years ending in tears - only to remain "together" for the last 4 years in the sense that they still do everything together (everything...) & they both can't find anybody better.

The best part (well I think it is), The three of them (Hippo, Friend, Half-hottie) construct this ELABORATE lie about how half-hotties parents won't let her date such an uncouth rebel like me, & that she has feelings but cannot act on them as such (trying to let me down easy or something) whereas in reality she couldn't stand a scruffy nerf herder like me. Didn't bother me (still abit wtf) I was all about teh secks & said as much - which got back to her through my friend. Weeks later, We're at a party & she makes it clear that she wants some strange, of which I have in abundance. Things are going well, light petting during the night, nothing to steamy... Until I drink a whole bottle of Wild Turkey & pass out on the lawn (never said I wasn't actually a total bum). Half-hottie ends up rooting a random sleazy dude at the party & gets pregnant - whines to me on MSN about feeling like a whore & what will she do now etc.

"Ummm, not fuck random dudes at parties?". Got me blocked & deleted  haven't heard from her since.


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## JohnIce (Mar 3, 2010)

^ Win.


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## leftyguitarjoe (Mar 3, 2010)

Well I might as well contribute a story. I dont think it counts as a date, but whatever.

Its my senior prom. First school dance-thing I've ever gone to. I figured I would go just to have the whole prom experience and because I would get to wear a tux. You all have no idea how excited I got wearing that tux. Anyway, I went to prom with my best-girl-friend Kayla. We had no romantic interest in eachother and decided to go together just so we wouldnt look like losers.

I get a call on the way there from my best friend Rob that some chick we went to middle school with named Emily was going to be there. I didnt care because I hadnt seen her since 7th grade. I thought nothing of the call and quickly forgot about it.

I arrive at the place, and Rob rolls in with his date shortly after. The very first thing we do is exchange borderline gay compliments about how awesome we looked in our tuxedos. Seriously. We looked fucking AWESOME. I had a badass maroon vest and shit. Alas, I digress.

Rob points towards the entrance and casually says "Oh, theres Emily". I then proceed to crap myself. She had... uh... grown up. I walked up to her and said hi, nice to see you again, its been a while, blah blah blah, and went back to looking awesome in my tux.

Emily was best friends with Rob's woman, so Rob heard her talking about me. Alot. Like her explicitly say that she wanted to fuck me. This was good news. During dinner, Rob (seated across an enormous banquet hall from me) nodded approvingly at me every time I made eye contact with me. It was hilarious.

So after dinner, I ask Emily to dance. We proceed to dance for like 2 hours. I had never danced before. You know, that kind of dancing thats basically like a standing lap dance that young folk do these days.

She says she wants to leave. About 10 feet from the door I suddenly recall that i had brought Kayla to prom. At that point, I really didnt want to waste any time leaving, so I told a friend to give Kayla a ride home. HUGE dick move, but the fine piece of ass I had my arm wrapped around was a much greater concern at the moment.

So away we go to Rob's dad's girlfriend's house. Why? Hot tub. And who brings a bathing suit to prom? Nobody. Did that stop us? Nope!

So how is this a bad date-ish experience?

Well, no penetration happened in the hot tub because Rob and his woman were there. We then go over to Rob's house at around 3AM and...... I fall asleep.

Yup. Passed out. No drugs or alcohol involved. I walked in, my ass hit the couch, and I fell asleep.

I'm awesome.


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## AySay (Mar 3, 2010)

^
So you totally ruined a "real" friend's prom for a hot easy bitch who you ended up NOT fucking?!?

For shame sir...


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## leftyguitarjoe (Mar 3, 2010)

AySay said:


> ^
> So you totally ruined a "real" friend's prom for a hot easy bitch who you ended up NOT fucking?!?
> 
> For shame sir...



I know, I know.

And for the hell of it, here was the girl I ditched. I must admit, my high school years were not my brightest.


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## Customisbetter (Mar 3, 2010)

THAT is the girl you ditched?

fuck man 

I have nothing to contribute as i am one of those "im-never-dating-forever-which-kinda-makes-me-look-homosexual" dudes.


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## leftyguitarjoe (Mar 3, 2010)

Customisbetter said:


> THAT is the girl you ditched?
> 
> fuck man
> 
> I have nothing to contribute as i am one of those "im-never-dating-forever-which-kinda-makes-me-look-homosexual" dudes.



I've never been in a relationship. Granted I never really tried, but still.

You are in good company my friend.


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## Customisbetter (Mar 3, 2010)

lol i just realized you are wearing a dress in that second pic. 

i think you might fit the latter half of my description.


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## wannabguitarist (Mar 3, 2010)

leftyguitarjoe said:


> *story*



My prom date (digging up the old memories) was named Emily, was best friends with my friend's girl, and a girl I hadn't seen since middle school until a few months before. No other similarities in the story though 



AySay said:


> ^
> So you totally ruined a "real" friend's prom for a hot easy bitch who you ended up NOT fucking?!?
> 
> For shame sir...



Not really, from the story it sounds like they just went as friends. It's not like he was obligated to be attached to her hip all night. Fuck, he was smart enough to figure that going as friends meant he should go find another girl.

Fail on the last part of the story though


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## Bekanor (Mar 3, 2010)

Dr Terror said:


> I guess I've got a story that fits this bill. Nothing too shitty, don't get the hopes up, but it does get better. Actually, the text to payoff ratio is shit & I tell you now to ignore this post . Its also rather shallow, but behold the true heart of man.
> 
> Went on a blind double date with my mate who desperately need a girlfriend. I already had a pseudo-girlfriend/casual root so my main objective was to get this dude laid (& me too, why not ), as he was still a virgin at 21 & kind of immature from it. So the story go's, chatting on MSN these two girls agree to double date us, they looked pretty hot in their pics (u know where this is going) & claimed to be totally metal & muso's themselves etc. Fuckin score right? Well, We go to pick them up & as they come out the house - revelation.
> 
> ...



Rom you have the courage of a hero, and breath as fresh as a summer ham. 

You should totally hook me up with one of Skye's hot friends.


----------



## Jzbass25 (Mar 3, 2010)

All_¥our_Bass;1880832 said:


> Which is why I don't bother.
> 
> I have absolutely no desire to be in a relationship.



Agreed


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## PeteyG (Mar 3, 2010)

Ahh, nothing like remembering high school days for jems of learning experiences.

Again not so much a date story, as I'm also a Brit, but instead a bitch of a girlfriend story.

So was with this girl for about 4 or 5 months, I'm an absolute gentleman the entire relationship, and then this once I let her down (as in the only time I had let her down the entire relationship). What I had done to let her down was miss a bus to go and meet up with her, I ring her immediately to let her know I will be catching the next one 10 minutes later so I would be a little late. The next week I find out that this has pissed her off enough to tell some people some absolute filthy lies about me to "get even" with me. Needless to say I absolutely let rip at her, and end it there, I'm not one for putting up with people who do things like that.

However this isn't the end of it. She knows that about 4 days after the breakup I'm due to go on a week long tour of Belgium with my jazz group, so decides to tell everyone, the day before I'm due to go, that she's so depressed by the breakup she's been prescribed anti-depressants (BS), that her dad flipped out (BS) and that he then drove to my house and kicked the living shit out of me and put me in hospital (absolute BS). However me being the nice organised guy I am, have packed all of my things days ahead of leaving, so go for a last underage bottle of cider in the town park with some mates. She is there with more or less everyone she has told this pile of shite too, one of them comes over as she is friends with my mates, and asks what I'm doing out of hospital.

It's pretty fair to say that after this, she was pretty well known as a malicious lying twunt, and that all of the lies she had told about me were bull.

Fun times.


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## matty2fatty (Mar 3, 2010)

I'll take a turn.

About a year ago I took this girl out on a couple of dates, nothing exciting happened and she was pretty tough to track down so I stopped calling her, no big deal. Then a few months ago I'm out at a bar ordering a drink and someone taps me on the shoulder. Turns out its the same girl from before. We start chatting (we're both pretty drunk), she gives me a hard time for not calling her, so I figure I might be able to make a go of it. We end up making out at the bar, which was funny because it wasn't busy and I was there with a bunch of friends. 

She tells me she wants me to go home with her, so I obviously agree. We get back to her place, fool around a bit, then I go to the washroom. When I get back she's in bed with her laptop....I get in next to her, and find out that she wants to watch........





.....Lady Gaga videos on youtube. 

WTF? Not only did I not get laid, I got stuck watching that


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## Bungle (Mar 3, 2010)

matty2fatty said:


> I'll take a turn.
> 
> About a year ago I took this girl out on a couple of dates, nothing exciting happened and she was pretty tough to track down so I stopped calling her, no big deal. Then a few months ago I'm out at a bar ordering a drink and someone taps me on the shoulder. Turns out its the same girl from before. We start chatting (we're both pretty drunk), she gives me a hard time for not calling her, so I figure I might be able to make a go of it. We end up making out at the bar, which was funny because it wasn't busy and I was there with a bunch of friends.
> 
> ...


Fixed


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## matty2fatty (Mar 3, 2010)

^haha, that would have been awesome


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## Bungle (Mar 3, 2010)

matty2fatty said:


> ^haha, that would have been awesome


Do it next time 

On a side note, is that Italian Spiderman in your pic?


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## matty2fatty (Mar 3, 2010)

Actione

Velocita

Terrore

Suspenso

Romanza

Spiderman!


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## Customisbetter (Mar 3, 2010)

PeteyG said:


> twunt



goddamn you Europeans are creative. 

Ok ill share something that isn't entirely relevant...

I was on vacation last year as a state park. met some girls (sisters) and chatted/played volleyball for a few days.

the day they were leaving i went over to their truck as they were packing up. chatted for a while and tried to get one of the sister's number (Sage  ). i ended up chatting for a while and met their parents and chatted with them. talked with their dad about his badass lifted F350 and helped them hitch up their trailer.

Ended up they didn't want my number and left.


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## Bekanor (Mar 4, 2010)

A couple of years back I met up with this chick I met playing counter strike (Yeah I know, it was never going to end well). She had basically just broken up with her boyfriend and we finally decided to hang out because we had been friends for ages but never hung out because she felt weird about it being in a relationship because she knew I had a thing for her. 

So anyway we spend the day together and she ends up having to stay the night because it's a long drive back to her house and she doesn't want to drive that far at night. So long story short we're in my room fooling around and I go wandering with my hand (mind you she was topless by this point) and she pulls me up and goes into this thing about she's only ever had sex with one person ever and doesn't really want to do this with me because she doesn't like me that way and doesn't want to hurt me and ends up crying. So she's there crying with no top on (one of the most awkward things I have ever experienced) and I'm doing a double take like "What the fuck just happened to me?". 

Anyway I cave because women crying cuts through me like a knife and I start telling her how it's all ok and we'll still be friends and blah blah blah trying to make her feel better. So I go get her some tissues and go to the toilet to pee (the crying annihilated the raging boner I had so all that was left was the urge to pee really badly) and when I come back she's like "Lay back and put your hands behind your head" and she ends up performing the worst and most painful (I don't mind a bit of a nibble but I have limits) blow job I have ever had. 

Now I don't know if you guys like a girl with a tongue stud or not, but this girl had 2, neither one of which belonged in my urethra and yet they both ended up in there somehow (the rest was basically like having someone colouring in your shaft with ball point pen). Through sheer will (and the smuttiest thoughts I could conjure up) I managed to get off. Then as logic came flooding back up to my brain I realised that the girl who didn't like me "that way" and didn't want to have sex with me just annihilated my junk so I tried to stifle the awkwardness I was feeling and asked "So what was that?" her reply was "Well I couldn't leave you all bothered and uncomfortable like that could I?". I kept the thought that her explanation reeked of some high school kid's lame ass last resort to get some action after making out with his not-ready-yet girlfriend to myself and kiss her goodnight (on the cheek, you know why) and go sleep on the couch. 

It wasn't so much a shitty date in the sense that I still got a load away but it was really weird and really confusing and was ultimately the catalyst for me pursuing this girl and wasting my time.


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## JohnIce (Mar 4, 2010)

^ 

Very well worded, sir! Bad blowjobs are no joke.


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## Daemoniac (Mar 4, 2010)

I have nothing to contribute because my first "date" ended in a 5 year relationship which i'm still in


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## Bekanor (Mar 4, 2010)

JohnIce said:


> ^
> 
> Very well worded, sir! Bad blowjobs are no joke.



It's kind of funny that she thought there would be something erogenous about poking her tongue studs into my pee hole. Though, it wasn't at the time, I was almost afraid of what was going to happen next.


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## JohnIce (Mar 4, 2010)

I've noticed a lot of girls like heavy toungue usage when you go down on them, and they sometimes assume the same thing goes for guys. But some are just clueless about penises, quite simply


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## Prydogga (Mar 4, 2010)

Demoniac said:


> I have nothing to contribute because my first "date" ended in a 5 year relationship which i'm still in



Which of course is a shitty relationship from a shitty date yes?  Kidding Mischa, I'm sure it's great.


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## Bekanor (Mar 4, 2010)

JohnIce said:


> I've noticed a lot of girls like heavy toungue usage when you go down on them, and they sometimes assume the same thing goes for guys. But some are just clueless about penises, quite simply



Tongue is good, especially if they're awesome at doing that swirly thing with it. But it's not an ice cream.


I find girls collectively are far worse at hand jobs. They're just way too gentle, do they really think that dudes grip that lightly when they're taking care of business themselves? Though to be honest, given the hand and wrist strength I have from playing guitar the average girl would give herself early arthritis trying to give me the kind of hand job I'm accustomed to from years of being direly single.


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## JohnIce (Mar 4, 2010)

True! Tongue is great if they know what they're doing, but violence is not the answer.

Also true about hand jobs. It's often the "grip lightly, pull spastically" method going on, I have no idea what's up with that. Maybe being a guitarist has something to do with it, my girl is in constant disbelief when she's gripping as hard as she can and I still tell her to grip harder  But given the simple principle, it's usually not too hard to teach. Blow jobs are harder, because, well, you can't exactly show them how you like it...


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## DavyH (Mar 4, 2010)

JohnIce said:


> . Blow jobs are harder, because, well, you can't exactly show them how you like it...


 
? The vegetable drawer is just full of things you can use as instructional objects......

Or so I've heard 

Bad dates, not so much, but a couple of cancelled at the last minute ones way back when I was young and single. I guess I wasn't as absolutely irresistible as I always thought I was.


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## Bekanor (Mar 4, 2010)

DavyH said:


> ? The vegetable drawer is just full of things you can use as instructional objects......
> 
> Or so I've heard
> 
> Bad dates, not so much, but a couple of cancelled at the last minute ones way back when I was young and single. I guess I wasn't as absolutely irresistible as I always thought I was.



Tell me about it, I'm fat and belligerent. I really only have fond memories of female companionship.


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## tacotiklah (Mar 4, 2010)

I'm not sure if it was really a "date" or just a friend-hangout thing, but it went bad at the end either way. The guys that live in hollywood will appreciate this though:


So I post also over @ the Guitar World forums. I get a pm from a person saying the my handle (same as here) is really cool as they're a big Opeth fan too and the song ghost of perdition is their fav. song. I'm thinking this is another dude and I'm just shooting the breeze and eventually I find out that Opeth is playing at the avalon @ hollywood & vine. I'm stoked and it turns out this person is a hot girl that is smart as hell to. (pharmaceutical researcher)
She asks me if I wanna go. I said I'd like to but I'm broke as hell so I couldn't afford the tickets and 2. I have no ride there as I live like 60-70 miles north of hollywood. She offers to buy my ticket and drive from pasadena to come get me, take me to the show, then drop me off. By now I'm thinking this has got to be to good to be true and that she's setting me up. I come up with $10 for her so I don't feel like a complete mooch and sure enough she's at my door when she says she will be. We chat in the car about music, playing guitar (she does that too  ) and life in general. 

we get there, she parks, we get in line, and we get in the venue. All's going great so far. We enjoy the hell out of the concert, go outside to get in the car and her car is fucking gone! We look around a bit and realized that she parked in a no parking zone and the city of hollywood towed her damn car. 

Now she had to spend 20 mins. or so figuring out where the damn lot was so we could get it back. the lot is on santa monica blvd. & highland. Here's where it gets worse; she can't afford a cab (I'm completely broke so I have no money) and she also had to pay a steep fine (I think it was like $250-300 to get the car back) so there was only one option for us. We had to hoof it 15 city blocks. I'm a fat guy and after 1/2 that distance I'm sweating and wheezing pretty bad. I've since learned this does NOT attract women. To top off my obliviousness, shortly there after I'm like, "so when we get your car back, do you wanna hang out a bit before you drop me off." Keep in mind I look like hell. I got shot down and we drove home in relative silence.


I'm asking advice in this part:
Now I still talk to her (she even came out to see me play @ the whisky a go go) and we're gonna go see Opeth again here in April. I'm paying her for my ticket when I see her and I'm gonna meet her at the train station somewhat near the venue. How do I make this into something that will not fail again?


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## matty2fatty (Mar 4, 2010)

^make sure there's no walking involved and you should be fine, haha


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## wannabguitarist (Mar 4, 2010)

Bekanor said:


> So long story short we're in my room fooling around and I go wandering with my hand (mind you she was topless by this point) and she pulls me up and goes into this thing about she's only ever had sex with one person ever and doesn't really want to do this with me because she doesn't like me that way and doesn't want to hurt me and ends up crying. So she's there crying with no top on (one of the most awkward things I have ever experienced) and I'm doing a double take like "What the fuck just happened to me?"



Been there, I feel your pain (both mentally and physically )


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## Necky379 (Mar 4, 2010)

Dr Terror said:


> I guess I've got a story that fits this bill. Nothing too shitty, don't get the hopes up, but it does get better. Actually, the text to payoff ratio is shit & I tell you now to ignore this post . Its also rather shallow, but behold the true heart of man.
> 
> Went on a blind double date with my mate who desperately need a girlfriend. I already had a pseudo-girlfriend/casual root so my main objective was to get this dude laid (& me too, why not ), as he was still a virgin at 21 & kind of immature from it. So the story go's, chatting on MSN these two girls agree to double date us, they looked pretty hot in their pics (u know where this is going) & claimed to be totally metal & muso's themselves etc. Fuckin score right? Well, We go to pick them up & as they come out the house - revelation.
> 
> ...



full bottle of whiskey in one sitting  , done it a few times. i usually stop a 3/4 but that extra 1/4 usually leads to some retarded story. we need a "dumb shit you've done drunk" thread. i got plenty of plenty of those stories considering i get drunk more than i date.


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## DrakkarTyrannis (Mar 4, 2010)

I've never been on a date..how's that for shitty?(Not really all that bad considering I don't date..but still)


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## Customisbetter (Mar 4, 2010)

DrakkarTyrannis said:


> I've never been on a date..how's that for shitty?(Not really all that bad considering I don't date..but still)


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## Necky379 (Mar 4, 2010)

DrakkarTyrannis said:


> I've never been on a date..how's that for shitty?(Not really all that bad considering I don't date..but still)



nah not that bad, i can count the amount ive been on. they were all with one girl and most barely qualified, it was more of hanging out with your girlfriend. still...it was fun while it lasted.
im pretty "relationshipally (<--new word!) challenged" myself


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## DrakkarTyrannis (Mar 4, 2010)

Yeah..I'm not fond of people..therefore I don't date. There was this one time I went to someone's house but I don't consider it a date..horrible experience btw.


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## Necky379 (Mar 4, 2010)

care to share? i mean this is the "shitty date" thread


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## Bungle (Mar 4, 2010)

JohnIce said:


> It's often the "grip lightly, pull spastically" method


QFT!


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## Fzau (Mar 4, 2010)

Never really had a shitty date actually..
well, not an awful lot of dates either but whatever

Most of the time I just hit the club/bar with my friends and encounter a fine girl 
Very subtle keeping an eye on her, most the time you can quickly notice whether she's interested or not. Then it begins 
I'm not the type of guy that starts hitting on girls randomly hoping to get laid though.

Anyway, most of the time this resulted in a huge makeout session of a few hours  (and an afterparty)
Turns out I'm a master kisser too 








You're not the only one with skills John


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## JohnIce (Mar 4, 2010)

Fzau said:


> Never really had a shitty date actually..
> well, not an awful lot of dates either but whatever
> 
> Most of the time I just hit the club/bar with my friends and encounter a fine girl
> ...


 
Pfft, I say! 

Having makeout sessions for a few hours isn't my thing... it just gets dry and warm and samey, not to mention you end up wearing all her lipgloss... uncool. So uncool.

Do agree on bars > dating though!


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## DrakkarTyrannis (Mar 4, 2010)

Who needs dating when you're the black metal rapist..Eh JJ? Eh?


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## Fzau (Mar 4, 2010)

JohnIce said:


> Pfft, I say!
> 
> Having makeout sessions for a few hours isn't my thing... it just gets dry and warm and samey, not to mention you end up wearing all her lipgloss... uncool. So uncool.
> 
> Do agree on bars > dating though!


 
I don't ask for them, dude 
Never really had the lipgloss problem methinks, guess I'm lucky.

Bars are soooo much better than dating 
By the way, has it ever happened that a girl that's trying to hit on you uses a worthless opening sentence that makes you want to facepalm her? 
I had that shit a few times, major turnoff 



DrakkarTyrannis said:


> Who needs dating when you're the black metal rapist..Eh JJ? Eh?


 
WIN! 

now I'm off finding a post to rep you for this


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## AySay (Mar 4, 2010)

Fzau said:


> Bars are soooo much better than dating



It's funny you European guys are more fond of bars. I'm guessing they're more like nightclubs? Cause in North America, a bar kinda equals older fat guys talking about sports eating messy ass chicken wings and hitting on bartenders.


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## xiphoscesar (Mar 4, 2010)

JohnIce said:


> That's not a shitty date story, dude... and fucking before dating isn't uncommon at all, alcohol has been providing that for us since the dawn of time.
> 
> Anyway, I don't date, as I find bars to be more resourceful for these types of things, but I do have a funny story.
> 
> ...




yea i know what you mean , but i was 13 at the time


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## Necky379 (Mar 4, 2010)

AySay said:


> It's funny you European guys are more fond of bars. I'm guessing they're more like nightclubs? Cause in North America, a bar kinda equals older fat guys talking about sports eating messy ass chicken wings and hitting on bartenders.



hey you leave my messy ass chicken wings out of this!


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## leandroab (Mar 4, 2010)

I never went on a date. I'm 19.

I HATE nightclubs, but then, all my friends like it and the majority of opportunities happen there... I actually like the atmosphere. I just don't dance. And fucking nightclubs here are like a 10mx10m square with a tiny bar. (which is often full of people jumping at the beer tap). So I feel like a retard there, just standing and looking at people dancing and shit..

I love bars. I like sitting down on a table with friends, having a beer and checking out girls.. But they are not the place to get chicks here.

Well, anyways....

There was this one time I was camping with some friends (male and female) and I was talking with a friend of mine. She didn't have that perfect body, but she was really cute... So, after a couple of beers/vodkas/tequilas/redbull and whiskey shots/etc we ended up having a massive makeout section. Mind you that we were camping with at least 8 other people (I had a small tent which I was sharing with my best mate.) So we were getting kinda freaky there (we were having a bonefire at the time) and we said "fuck it" and decided to have some sweet hardcore sex on the spot... Mind you again, my tent was white.

Next morning, the subject of the day was "How awesome was that cowgirl dude!"


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## MaxOfMetal (Mar 4, 2010)

AySay said:


> It's funny you European guys are more fond of bars. I'm guessing they're more like nightclubs? Cause in Canada, a bar kinda equals older fat guys talking about sports eating messy ass chicken wings and hitting on bartenders.



Fixed. 

Seriously, look for some better bars, and go at the peak hours.


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## tacotiklah (Mar 4, 2010)

leandroab said:


> I never went on a date. I'm 19.
> 
> I HATE nightclubs, but then, all my friends like it and the majority of opportunities happen there... I actually like the atmosphere. I just don't dance. And fucking nightclubs here are like a 10mx10m square with a tiny bar. (which is often full of people jumping at the beer tap). So I feel like a retard there, just standing and looking at people dancing and shit..
> 
> ...



So it was like brokeback mountain but without the excessive sodomy? oh and _bone-_fire ftmfw!


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## leandroab (Mar 4, 2010)

ghstofperdition said:


> So it was like brokeback mountain but without the excessive sodomy? oh and _bone-_fire ftmfw!



Except by the part that I said I fucked a girl... haaha

I don't know about you, but I also have female friends


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## JohnIce (Mar 4, 2010)

^I think that's what he was getting at... with the "without excessive sodomy" part.

Unless you did have excessive sodomy with this girl by the bone-fire, which is of course also perfectly fine in my book


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## leandroab (Mar 4, 2010)

JohnIce said:


> ^I think that's what he was getting at... with the "without excessive sodomy" part.
> 
> Unless you did have excessive sodomy with this girl by the bone-fire, which is of course also perfectly fine in my book


----------



## Daiephir (Mar 4, 2010)

xiphoscesar said:


> yea i know what you mean , but i was 13 at the time



So, still aint a problem by my book  The younger you start, the better you get when there is real women involved


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## Arminius (Mar 4, 2010)

DrakkarTyrannis said:


> Who needs dating when you're the black metal rapist..Eh JJ? Eh?



Dated once, then decided to listen to Drak. Best decision I've made in a while.


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## DrakkarTyrannis (Mar 4, 2010)

Aysakh said:


> Dated once, then decided to listen to Drak. Best decision I've made in a while.



Life's problems, solved and simplified. You're welcum


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## tacotiklah (Mar 5, 2010)

JohnIce said:


> ^I think that's what he was getting at... with the "without excessive sodomy" part.


Yeah it was. Lame joke on my part. Carry on.....


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## Fzau (Mar 5, 2010)

AySay said:


> It's funny you European guys are more fond of bars. I'm guessing they're more like nightclubs? Cause in North America, a bar kinda equals older fat guys talking about sports eating messy ass chicken wings and hitting on bartenders.


 


Correct! They're almost nightclubs, just less partying involved most of the time.
What you US lot call bars is called a café here (French term, mind you). A bar is far more fancy.
Oh and what you call beer us Belgians call piss 







I kid  (well.. not really)


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## BigBaldIan (Mar 5, 2010)

Fzau said:


> Oh and what you call beer us Belgians call piss
> I kid  (well.. not really)


 
Ah yes I remember living in Leuven for a year, cheaper to get a can of Stella or Jupiler from a vending machine than a Coke at times.

My poor, poor liver.


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## leandroab (Mar 5, 2010)

Fzau said:


> Oh and what you call beer us Belgians call piss
> I kid  (well.. not really)



No, you're actually very right...


----------



## quasarwaves (Mar 5, 2010)

Here's a funny story ( not funny at the time, but hilarious now) ...

this one night, me, my gf at the time, and a whole bunch of friend drove out to this camp party outside of the city. we ended up getting their first, and, as it was at the time, I drank a 26er of vodka and was pretty much smashed before anyone else got there. My gf at the time, (who as a total psychotic) started getting pissed at me because i was getting drunk faster than her, then she runs off into the woods and gets fucked by this dumb butcher face guy that showed up shortly after. 

Of course, being completely drunk, I was far more angry about the situation than I'd normally be ( I'm a pretty well centered guy, regardless of the situation) so I was running up and down her while shes crying on the porch. My friends are about 5 feet behind yelling "JUST HIT HER!" which is scarying the shit out of her (and of course I didn't). about 20 minutes later shes back to her normal psychotic self, and starts drinking and making out with this dude again. So one of my buddies (who happens to be a chef at a local restaurant) goes up to his car and gets a vial of pure pepper extract (1,000,000 scoville, no shit)... he comes down to the beach and rubs the extract on the rim of her shot glass, and we all sat patiently from a distance, waiting for her to drink up. 
Sure enough, she finally takes a shot, and she makes this priceless face, like "holy fuck what the hell is happening", and proceeds to run over to the lakeside to drink water. Being too drunk and stupid to realize that water makes spices hotter, she starts drinking like a fish.... when that didn't work, she went back up on the beach and started jamming loads of sand in her mouth. 
Everyone at the party was basically standing in a line, laughing, watching her writhe in agony, sand falling from her face. 

Soon after we ended up taking off back home. It was my first girlfriend, and I was one of those guys at the time that didn't know when to stop taking constant psychotic bullshit, so I ended up staying with her for another couple months till she dumped me so she could get pig roasted by 2 guys at her dorm. ( which she called me crying about afterwards, stupid slut lol.)


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## BigBaldIan (Mar 5, 2010)

quasarwaves said:


> gets a *vile* of pure pepper extract (1,000,000 scoville, no shit).



Sir, that is the best typo ever. A vial of capsaicin in that sort of strength will indeed be vile. 

Reminds of the time I has nachos with extra peppers in a crappy pub then wiped my fingers carefully on a loo roll in the gents.


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## Necky379 (Mar 5, 2010)

quasarwaves said:


> Here's a funny story ( not funny at the time, but hilarious now) ...
> 
> this one night, me, my gf at the time, and a whole bunch of friend drove out to this camp party outside of the city. we ended up getting their first, and, as it was at the time, I drank a 26er of vodka and was pretty much smashed before anyone else got there. My gf at the time, (who as a total psychotic) started getting pissed at me because i was getting drunk faster than her, then she runs off into the woods and gets fucked by this dumb butcher face guy that showed up shortly after.
> 
> ...



 i love this story and this thread


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## quasarwaves (Mar 5, 2010)

BigBaldIan said:


> Sir, that is the best typo ever. A vial of capsaicin in that sort of strength will indeed be vile.
> 
> Reminds of the time I has nachos with extra peppers in a crappy pub then wiped my fingers carefully on a loo roll in the gents.


 
haha, thanks, I scanned over it for typos once, guess i missed that - fixed

and yes indeed it was vile. I tried a pot of chili with one eyedrop of this stuff in it once and I thought i was dying lol


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## Customisbetter (Mar 5, 2010)

quasarwaves said:


> Here's a funny story ( not funny at the time, but hilarious now) ...
> 
> this one night, me, my gf at the time, and a whole bunch of friend drove out to this camp party outside of the city. we ended up getting their first, and, as it was at the time, I drank a 26er of vodka and was pretty much smashed before anyone else got there. My gf at the time, (who as a total psychotic) started getting pissed at me because i was getting drunk faster than her, then she runs off into the woods and gets fucked by this dumb butcher face guy that showed up shortly after.
> 
> ...


----------



## ddtonfire (Mar 5, 2010)

quasarwaves said:


> goes up to his car and gets a vial of pure pepper extract (1,000,000 scoville, no shit)... he comes down to the beach and rubs the extract on the rim of her shot glass, and we all sat patiently from a distance, waiting for her to drink up.





This reminds me of when I used a hot sauce of similar concentration and dabbed the most infinitesimal bit on my friend's apple, indistinguishable from the red hue of the fruit's waxed skin. The look on his face evinced both horrific pain and confusion for apples aren't supposed to be dangerously spicy and by that time, it burned like a mother in labor.

Ok, thread derailment over.


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## Bungle (Mar 5, 2010)

BigBaldIan said:


> Reminds of the time I has nachos with extra peppers in a crappy pub then wiped my fingers carefully on a loo roll in the gents.


That literally is a shitty date story   

Geddit?


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## JohnIce (Mar 7, 2010)

Fzau said:


> Oh and what you call beer us Belgians call piss


 
...wait! Are you saying american beer has flavour?  I never noticed.


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## leftyguitarjoe (Mar 7, 2010)

JohnIce said:


> ...wait! Are you saying american beer has flavour?  I never noticed.



Then you're not drinking the right american beer. American beer is by far my favorite. There is nothing like a big hoppy west coast IPA.


And for the record, I love many, many Belgian beers. Rochefort 10 FTW.


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## Herb Dorklift (Mar 10, 2010)

Not a date story as such...but here's my bad experience..

OK, so I'd just finished a gig... drinking all the way through, and me and my mate and just started comparing stupid stuff with eachother (Drunk ya know, you do stupid shit) like who has the tightest flares, and neatest pubes and shit 

Anyways, this chick:






sees and comes over (I still know her by the way, thus me having the pic) and starts joining in. After a few more drinks she says to us "Wanna see me lick my nipple?", obviously we were like  Hahaha.

So we started flirting more and drinking more, getting randy etc... her, my mate and I end up back at mine, and she's doing a strip tease... she then invites herself up to my bed and asks us to come with her because she wants to "taste us both".

Now, me and this guy are good friends, and we both don't mind seeing each others erect wang in the name of a hot girl. Except she doesn't want the light on. At all. So all I can hear is my mate giggling and the odd slurping sound. Not hot. I managed to get through that OK...but it's when she wants us to do her the problem comes.

Having no visual stimulus, and having drank half a brewery, I'm having a lot of trouble putting this condom on (And no, she wouldn't let me go without one I asked LOTS haha)...

So anyways... it didn't happen. HOT girl wanting me like there's no tomorrow, and I couldn't get it up. Brewer's droop, whatever you wanna call it. I failed big time.


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## leandroab (Mar 10, 2010)

^ 

that sucks dude... Drunk sex definitely has its ups and downs...


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## Herb Dorklift (Mar 10, 2010)

Fuck you


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## JohnIce (Mar 11, 2010)

leandroab said:


> ^
> 
> that sucks dude... Drunk sex definitely has its ups and downs...


 
Oh shit I'm sigging that!


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## Valserp (Mar 11, 2010)

Well, mine's not as weird but still...
About a year ago I was playing this gig with my band and there was this girl in the crowd that was looking at me *that* way... you know - the way that makes you forget which song you are playing 
So a couple of days after the gig I go to the regular bar and lo' and behold - she's there. So conversation starts and two things become obvious -
1- she's not the brightest tool in the shed
2- she's hot and totally into me
So after some beers and some more making out, I just ask her if she would like to come over to my place.
Soon as I shut the door behind us, I get her on the couch in the living room and start wandering with my hands. As soon as I see there are no zones that I am not allowed to touch, I start taking clothes off.
"Not so fast" she says and grabs my hand. No problem - I'm pretty patient when it comes down to this shit. So we proceed for about half an hour and I ask if she would like us to go upstairs.
"Not so fast"
"Erm... it's 2am, just how much slower would you like me to be?"
"I don't want to have sex because I don't want this to last just for one night"

What? I could barely remember her name, she came home with me on the first night we met and she expected me to want a relationship out of this?
So I picked myself up(literally, it was like I grew a third hand with the sole purpose to grab myself by the neck and pick myself up off of her ) and went to sleep. The next day, I walked her halfway to her bus stop, just to make sure she's gonna find her way. I promised to call her when she asked, but I guess she forgot that I didn't even have her phone number.

Some women...


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## phantom911 (Mar 11, 2010)

lobee said:


> The ultimate in shitty date stories(literally and figuratively; pun highly intended): Worst possible "date" ever...I don't even... FML (serios) - Bodybuilding.com Forums (NSFW)


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## vampiregenocide (Mar 11, 2010)

This thread tells me I need to get laid more often.


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