# I'm taking my ex to court over our 3 year old daughter.



## Manurack (Apr 10, 2016)

Hey guys. I've been stressed out lately. I'm taking my ex to court over our 3 year old daughter. 

My ex and I got together in Nunavut in 2010. My ex used to be stable, smart and going to school when we were together. We were together for 4 years and had a baby 2 years into the relationship. From the moment we found out she was pregnant, she stopped smoking cigarrettes and became very healthy as our baby grew inside of her. Our daughter was born healthy with absolutely no complications. My ex stopped going to school after she was born.
The first year of my daughter's life, she was loving and caring. We moved down to British Columbia after the first year of our daughter's life. She got back into smoking dope. Yet she was still able to look after our 1 and a half year old daughter at the time. 
We split up at the end of 2013, she started dating a new guy right away. She moved out of my apartment and started renting her mom's house through welfare since we split up, and her grandmother lived downstairs in the basement suite.
Now a days, she smokes dope all the time and plays video games every single day and has no interest of getting a job since she was on welfare and received free money to stay home all day, smoke dope and play video games. I've been told that our 3 year old daughter would go and ask her mom about something, my ex would get annoyed that our daughter disturbed her while stoned and playing video games, yell at our 3 year old then send our daughter to her room crying. It's not my daughter's fault because she asked mommy a question and got into trouble for it.

Like I said, my ex was renting her mom's house since 2013 and her grandmother lives in the basement suite. Last weekend, my ex's mom came to town for a shutdown at the local pulp mill and her mom decided to stay at the house that she owns. 
2 days later, my ex and her boyfriend got evicted out of the house due to the deplorable living conditions that she and her boyfriend left it in.
Rotting food on all the dishes in the house, all their laundry, including my daughter's laundry was dirty. No clean towels or linens in the house, pipes and bongs were found in every room of the house, a ground level cupboard of broken glass found in the kitchen, a dirty crusty vibrator left on the spice rack including other adult sex toys like her dildos and anal beads were casually around the house where my daughter can reach them. Various pornographic pictures of my ex in undressed state were on the walls throughout the house that my daughter can see, disgusting living room furniture that was full of food stains and bong water stains.
My daughter's bedroom had rotting food, moldy apple cores, black banana peels and garbage wrappers from snacks were found all around my daughter's toys. After my ex was evicted by her own mom, her mom started cleaning up after my ex and her boyfriend. She threw out a whopping 28 bags of garbage. My ex's mom, the owner wants to sell the house this year. 

No stable person keeps a home in this condition, especially with a 3 year old living there half the time. My ex's grandmother told me that one night, my ex had her friends over. They were in the living room smoking dope from their bongs, drinking alcohol and playing video games in the evening while my daughter is roaming the house freely. The grandmother told me the same evening that my ex had friends over, (both male and female) my 3 year old daughter took her clothes off to change into pajamas, but she couldn't find any pajamas in her room. So my 3 year old daughter (who was completely naked) walked to the living room where my ex is partying with her friends. My ex didn't bother to dress up my daughter while her friends were drunk and stoned. My daughter could have been taken to a room and been molested. My ex has no sense of security right now for our daughter. I don't smoke dope myself, but I have some friends that smoke dope in their spare time, but they still show up for work the next day and have a normal day-to-day routine. My ex has become so addicted to smoking pot that she has no idea how bad her life has become as a mother and how bad of an environment she's created for our 3 year old.

My ex has no high school education, no income other than child tax and my child support, is currently broke and has no house to live in but her and her boyfriend are sleeping at a mutual friend's house right now. 
Now I've had the same address for the past 3 years and I always pay my rent every month. I've been employed at my current job since 2014. I always keep my place clean and I always keep our dressers full with clean clothes and I do laundry every weekend.
After my ex was evicted out of the house, I met up and had a long talk with my ex's mom (owner of the house) and my ex's grandmother (who lives downstairs of the house). I'm still on good terms with my ex's mom and grandma after the breakup. We're still good friends and they told me a lot of information about my ex that I wrote earlier. We talked about me getting custody of our 3 year old daughter, as I'm the only stable parent. I absolutely love my daughter. When I have her during my time (we agreed that our daughter spends 50/50 with each parent) I spend quality time with her to create memories together. I take her out to the park, I teach her about sports like soccer and baseball, I taught her about hockey this past winter and I took her to every local hockey game at the community complex this year, taught her how to ice skate, we go for bike rides together, take her out to see new kids movies at the movie theater... 
Basically I do as much as I can with her because of one reason: my father passed away from cancer when I was 4 years old. My daughter turns 4 next month, I'm 25 now and I just want to give my daughter what I never had growing up: a father. 
I want to be there for my daughter throughout her life and watch her grow up. I want to take her to her first day at school, I want to watch her play sports and win soccer games, I want to watch her graduate high school and I want her to get a good job and succeed in life. I just want the best for my daughter as a loving parent should.

My ex and her boyfriend have plans of moving with our daughter to Prince George since her boyfriend is originally from there. Prince George has a bad reputation for violence towards native and aboriginal people. I'm fully Inuit, my daughter is half Inuit and half caucasian and has brown colored skin like me. I've been told that native children are treated badly in school by other students and teachers in Prince George. 
Prince George is one of the WORST cities to live in Canada and a horrible to raise a child as Prince George was rated the most dangerous city in Canada according to Maclean's magazine in 2010. 

I picked up the court paperwork on thursday. My ex's mom and grandmother came over that same day and they helped me with the court papers. They want me to get full custody of our 3 year old daughter and they want my ex to go into rehab and turn her life around. My ex's mom told me it's a tough decision and it's breaking her heart as she's going against her own daughter, but she said she's only doing this to look out for the best interest of her 3 year old grand daughter.
I wrote down all the information about my ex's choices in life and living conditions on the court papers and brought it to the courthouse on friday. Our court date is set for May 3rd. My ex is being served the court papers tomorrow and I'm ready to nail her in court and get custody of our 3 year old daughter. 
I want my daughter to be smart and succeed in life. She's very young and if she continues to see the lifestyle that her mom lives, in the future I will have a lazy, welfare junkie of a daughter who won't go anywhere in life. My ex can go to Prince George and ruin her own life, but I will NOT let her ruin my daughter's life. This is my first time going to court and I'm going as a father against a mother for custody of our child which is not easy... But my daughter means everything to me. 




Thanks for reading as this is big weight off my shoulders since I've been on my own since 2013 and don't have any of my immediate family down here in BC. I'll post an update after court is all settled.


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## Blytheryn (Apr 10, 2016)

Best of luck, man!


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## Force (Apr 10, 2016)

Holy hell, they have to give you custody, they just have to. 

I have a good idea how you're feeling, my 2 boys are with their mother, certainly not under those conditions but they don't get the love & attention at home that they get from me every weekend. 

It's time the laws & courts woke up to themselves & stopped kicking fathers in the guts when they're down already. Male or female doesn't matter, it should be pretty clear which parent is most suitable for primary custody.


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## vansinn (Apr 10, 2016)

Divorce, often a most troublesome mechanism, especially when kids are involved. I could tell a thing or two..
It's always sad seeing someone go down that path, and even more so when it affects a child. And totally sad when it needs to be taken to court, but sometimes this is needed.
I hope you'll get it all fixed up to your kid's advantage and benefit of life - and of course yours too.


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## russmuller (Apr 10, 2016)

Manurack said:


> Hey guys. I've been stressed out lately. I'm taking my ex to court over our 3 year old daughter.
> 
> My ex and I got together in Nunavut in 2010. My ex used to be stable, smart and going to school when we were together. We were together for 4 years and had a baby 2 years into the relationship. From the moment we found out she was pregnant, she stopped smoking cigarrettes and became very healthy as our baby grew inside of her. Our daughter was born healthy with absolutely no complications. My ex stopped going to school after she was born.
> The first year of my daughter's life, she was loving and caring. We moved down to British Columbia after the first year of our daughter's life. She got back into smoking dope. Yet she was still able to look after our 1 and a half year old daughter at the time.
> ...



Dude, I wish you the best of luck. I am all in favor of smoking pot, video games, and sex toys, but there's a time and a place for that sort of thing and it's definitely not when your young child needs a parent. It sounds like she's got no interest in being a responsible adult, or even just accepting the responsibility of being a mother. My heart goes out to you, man.


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## VBCheeseGrater (Apr 10, 2016)

Sorry to hear about your deadbeat ex man. 

On the flipside, BIG PROPS to you for stepping up and dealing with the issue like a real man.


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## blacai (Apr 10, 2016)

Best of luck, stay strong and take care of your daughter, she is the really important person here.


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## skeels (Apr 10, 2016)

Troubling to hear Man... Glad that your little girl has a strong, loving dad like you to step up and take a stand for her though. She is what's important.


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## Alex Kenivel (Apr 10, 2016)

Fvck man what a mess! You're on the right track. Keep fighting and keep pushing, and be as non emotional in front of a judge as possible. Keep a level head. This will show character stability. I finally got physical custody of my now 11 year old son, who's never had a room of his own in any places he's lived with her (she bounced around a lot, no job, etc.). It sucks and it's unfair to have a child go through these things. Document and date EVERYTHING, from interactions with your ex to observations. 

It really sounds like there's more going on than just pot smoking. Where I live its pretty much legal and I don't know a single pothead who can't keep a stable lifestyle..


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## bostjan (Apr 10, 2016)

What a heartbreaking story! I sure hope things work out! I consider myself extremely lucky that my parents were both great parents. You don't see that too much.


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## Hollowway (Apr 10, 2016)

Good for you. Remember who you're fighting for. It's not for you, it's for your daughter. So when you get down, or if you feel like you're fighting to hard, remember that and it will make it easier. I know sometimes, in situations like these, the person feels that they're fighting for themselves, and can start to question whether they're being selfish or not. So don't fall into that trap. Get that child out of your ex's house and get 100% custody and everyone will be much better off.


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## Alimination (Apr 10, 2016)

Keep us in the loop, I wish you and your daughter well! You're doing a killer job mate!


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## imnotnollynollynolly (Apr 10, 2016)

Best of luck man, kids shouldn't grow up in an environment like that.


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## NicePants (Apr 10, 2016)

Good luck dude. Stuff like that absolutely infuriates and saddens me, especially considering how many times courts will side with the mother on principal no matter how much of a .... mother she might be, but you seem to have a solid case.


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## Manurack (Apr 10, 2016)

Thanks guys. My ex was served the court papers today. She called me crying her eyes out, asking why I'm doing this to her. I told her straight up its because her life is out of control right now and I'm the only stable parent our daughter has. 

Like I said, we currently have her 50/50 of the month, but our court date is not until May 3rd. So I'm guessing she will keep my daughter away from me until the court date. If she does, I'm going to tough it out and keep busy. I was told if she does end up doing that, she'll look like an idiot in front of the judge. I'm definitely going to keep my cool in court and be emotionally stable in front of the judge. 

My ex always has a gothic/vampire appearance with all black clothing, she dyes her hair bright red every week and even her eyebrows. Now I work for a furniture store and deal with people all the time, so I have to keep a clean look. If I do sales, I'll wear my full suit and tie and look presentable, which is exactly what I'm going to do in court.

My coworker was telling me yesterday that one of his friends went to court to get custody of his child. The judge took one look at the mother, said she's definitely on drugs and said the father got custody. Knowing my ex, she'll definitely show up in court with her goth look and red dyed hair.


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## Alberto7 (Apr 11, 2016)

My heart goes out to you man. I feel absolutely blessed that I have the best parents anybody could ever hope for, (hell, at 25 they're still helping me get through school, even though I've f*cked up enough as it is) but I've been very close with people who had really sh*tty parents, and I've seen what that does to people... I'm proud of you for standing up for your daughter. It was pretty heart-wrenching reading your story and picturing the scenario. Best of lucks man, and keep us posted!


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## Alex Kenivel (Apr 11, 2016)

She can't just keep your daughter from you just because you served her papers. Keep a copy of the current Cort order in your car and if she keeps her from you, you can call the police and they will enforce the order (at least that's what they do here in the states) or she could be arrested. Keep a level head, Document what ever happens, and if you happen to have to call the police, ask for a report for your documentation.


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## Ebart (Apr 11, 2016)

Dang man. Sorry to hear. Hope everything works out for you


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## Ordacleaphobia (Apr 11, 2016)

Best of luck man, my uncle has been fighting a similar battle for years now. 
With the mother / grandmother on your side though, and with how immature this woman sounds, things sound pretty good for you. If you're as level-headed and well-spoken in court as you are in this thread I think you won't have much of a problem pushing forward.

I've got to give a lot of respect to the ex's mother, too. Taking a stand like that shows a lot of moral integrity and character. 
Always breaks my heart to see and hear stories like this where someone just gets trapped in that cyclical lifestyle, seems to be getting more and more common lately. Hope things go well for you and your shredder-in-training.


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## Manurack (Apr 11, 2016)

So I got a call earlier from my ex and I's mutual friend, who took them into his house after being evicted. 
This guy who took them in has been good friends with me since I moved down here. I helped him and his family move from one house to another 2 times in 3 years, we've drank beers around the bonfire together, gone to see great movies at the theater and we've gone to concerts together. This guy is like my bro and best friend in Castlegar... Until the moment he called me.

I had no choice but to write down his address on the court papers stating where my ex is currently living. Now this guy calls me up and tells me that social services may come do an investigation at his house. He's beyond pissed. He's concerned because his fiancee & my ex are best friends, they have bongs, pipes in the house and grow weed in their house. They all smoke dope together too. 
He called me up and told me "It's in your best interest to back the fvck down, or our friendship is over" 
I replied "Darrell, my daughter will live with me at any cost"
He says "fine, I'm going to fvcking tear you down!" And hung up. I took that as a threat of harm to me. Remember this phone call happened right after my ex was served the court papers. I have a logbook for this entire court situation. So I wrote down the date and time of the phone call and what he said incase things escalate to a worse situation.

If I lose friends over getting my daughter in a safe environment with me, so be it. I'm not letting anyone, or anything get in the way of my number one priority: the safety and well being of my 3 year old daughter.


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## P-Ride (Apr 11, 2016)

All the best. Be smart, keep cool and be the better man; don't rise to any aggression or provocation.


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## P-Ride (Apr 11, 2016)

Manurack said:


> So I got a call earlier from my ex and I's mutual friend, who took them into his house after being evicted.
> This guy who took them has been good friends with me since I moved down here. I helped him and his family move from one house to another 2 times in 3 years, we've drank beers around the bonfire together, gone to see great movies at the theater and we've gone to concerts together. This guy is like my bro and best friend in Castlegar... Until the moment he called me.
> 
> I had no choice but to write down his address on the court papers stating where my ex is currently living. Now this guy calls me up and tells me that social services may come do an investigation at his house. He's beyond pissed. He's concerned because his fiancee & my ex are best friends, they have bongs, pipes in the house and grow weed in their house. They all smoke dope together too.
> ...



In a nutshell, I grew up in a house with a violent, psychopathic father who is an investment banker; whose outer, public image couldn't have been more impressive and polished.

Me and my family spent two decades with no-one knowing who he really was and what he was capable of doing; while he convinced us we were all the ones with the problems, who deserved what he did to us.

When the curtain falls; when law enforcement look at someone who has done that much harm and controlled you for so long and see them for exactly what they are and all you have to do is be yourself and be honest, it's a feeling you can't describe.

He was banned from coming near us for 18 months and the divorce my parents were already having swung massively in my mum's favour.

We could never have imagined how well things would turn out in the end.

Just be real, be honest and keep your cool - you know what you want is good, decent and honourable.


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## jwade (Apr 11, 2016)

Man, this is a harsh situation. Best of luck, you sound like you've got your head on straight. Until I read 'I'm 25', I would've guessed you were much older. There's no way a judge will side with your ex, keep your head up man.

Also, Prince George is a goddamned hellhole. Losing every single friend you've ever had would be worth it to spare your child from having to grow up there.


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## Ordacleaphobia (Apr 11, 2016)

Again, good job on not letting the friend get to you.
If he pushes it just remember, that nobody forced him to grow weed in his home, nobody made him bring these people into his home, and nobody is responsible for his decisions but himself. 
It sucks to face the threat of legal trouble because of a friend, but his problem is one that is easily solved with preparation, and if moving all of the drugs and supplies away from the house for a while isn't worth a better future for a friend's child, then he wasn't really a friend to begin with.


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## Edika (Apr 11, 2016)

Best of luck man, you've got right by your side and from everything you've posted it seems you'll be able to prove it too. Your ex might be able to fix her life at some point and I hope this will help her reconsider her path in life. Receiving welfare and choosing to raise your child is not something negative, as long as you're a single parent and focus all your efforts to raise your child properly. Obviously that's the extreme opposite of that and you should do whatever you can to take your daughter away from that toxic environment. The nerve of that woman to call you and ask her why are you doing this to HER.
You should have been informed about the situation earlier and been able to call child services before her mom evicted them. Then you would have her in your custody until all the legal stuff went on. I'm tempted to tell you to go pick her up from school and not let your ex come near her until this blows over but that would hurt your case.


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## russmuller (Apr 11, 2016)

Manurack said:


> I had no choice but to write down his address on the court papers stating where my ex is currently living. Now this guy calls me up and tells me that social services may come do an investigation at his house. He's beyond pissed. He's concerned because his fiancee & my ex are best friends, they have bongs, pipes in the house and grow weed in their house. They all smoke dope together too.
> He called me up and told me "It's in your best interest to back the fvck down, or our friendship is over"
> I replied "Darrell, my daughter will live with me at any cost"
> He says "fine, I'm going to fvcking tear you down!" And hung up.



That's pretty messed up of this "friend" but this isn't about YOUR best interests- it's about your daughter's. Keep your chin up, brother. Just document, document, document (and make copies!), and try to keep your head as level as possible.


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## RustInPeace (Apr 11, 2016)

You're doing the right thing. Stay strong.


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## Low Baller (Apr 11, 2016)

You know it's crazy when people are neglectful like the ops ex and clearly don't want to parent why don't they just give custody to the parent who wants to? Seriously she wants to just blaze and play video games she could just avoid court and hand your daughter over clearly she is too selfish to be a mother and is putting your little girl in danger.

Best of luck op stay strong


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## broj15 (Apr 11, 2016)

dude I'm so sorry to hear about this. It's unfortunate but in these cases (though highly dependent on the judge making the decisions) courts typically favor the woman (uncle lost custody of his daughter even though his ex wife can't hold down a job and has been institutionalized for being mentally unstable a couple times). If your ex's mom and grandma plan on testifying against your ex you should be gold. It would've been a good idea to take pictures of the house BEFORE the clean up took place, but judging by the sounds of it your ex will probably be less than prepared for court and the judge will hopefully see that.

Edit: Just saw your were from Canada so maybe what I said about judges favoring women might not ring true up there, but in the US (in my experience) that's usually how it goes.


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## illimmigrant (Apr 11, 2016)

These situations suck to mythical proportions. I have 2 daughters, a 2-year old and an 11 week old baby. I have zero reservations when it comes to their well-being and there is not a thing I wouldn't give up or person I wouldn't sacrifice if it meant a better life for them.
No kid belongs in that environment and no "adult" making those kind of choices deserves to have a kid with them. Put your ex through her paces and find out just how important your daughter is to her. A friend of mine went through a very similar thing. His ex was ordered to attend therapy, rehab, and to apply for a certain number of jobs per week, and as long as she doesn't comply with the orders, she doesn't get to see their son. 
The sooner your daughter is out of that environment, the better off she'll be. She's the only one that matters right now, so keep your head up and battle through it.


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## USMarine75 (Apr 11, 2016)

I apologize in advance for the length, but since you took the time to share with us, I'm taking the time to share some legal advice that I really hope helps (beware, it is American flavored, and may not all apply):

In the US, *civil court cases are decided on relatively low standards of evidence... usually a "preponderance of the evidence" (AKA more likely than not, >50%).* So, while stating "conclusions" and "he said / she said" statements are usually inadmissable in criminal court, they are often the deciding factor for civil litigation.

Some advice:

-Bring family photos of you and your daughter to court. Vacation photos, birthday photos, anything that shows you as a happy family. Civil judges love this type of stuff!

-Bring pictures of her own room. Most courts require that you be able to provide a separate room for child, if possible (unless both parents are indigent, or simply cannot). Submit those as evidence. 

-Bring receipts of daycare, doctor's bills, etc. Bring a copy of your tax return and proof of employment. These show that you are providing basic needs and establish your daughter actually living with you.

-Bring any education documents, such as degrees or certifications (eg plumber). Show previous employment history. Contrast these with your ex's lack of employment or attempts at employment. Judges usually prefer someone that works over someone that is on gov't assistance. But beware, have a custody plan: You don't want to say, hey I'm a single dad with 2 jobs, so give me custody. The judge will want to know how you plan on caring for her. So ideally, a custody plan along these lines (or whatever is applicable to you): Your honor, I have a fulltime daytime job, Mon-Fri, 40 hrs/week. She would be in daycare, or with my parents, or whomever is taking care of your daughter while you work. Then you pick her up at whatever time. Dinner at whatever time. Bedtime at 8:30. Home on weekends. *A custody plan shows stability, and that you have actually thought this out. *

-Remember, your ex can tell bold lies without evidence in civil court (at least in US)! You can tell something that seems like obvious truth... example, that you have her 50% of the time. The mother can say nope, even if it was court ordered, that you never see her, even though you know that you do. This is the "sky is blue" factor. Even obvious "duh" things can be called in to question, so be prepared to answer them. Receipts and pictures are key here, as they tilt the "he said / she said" in you favor (remember you just need >50% belief in your side of the story!).

-Affidavits / Sworn Statements: Get sworn statements from the mother's mother father. As you said, they know this is in the best interest of their grandchild. Remind them that you are not asking them to take sides here, and that you understand they still want to maintain a relationship with their child. The key is emphasizing welfare of the child. Reminding them (bribing them?) that after court you want them to still be an integral part in the child's life is also important. If they think that her losing will also cut them off from the grandchild, then it could alienate them.

-When you talk in court, there are certain words and phrases that judges hates. Judges hate I/Me/My and self serving statements. *Talk about what is in the best interest of your/our child.* Remember that is what you are there for. *So avoid saying "I want custody"... instead say "it is in the best interest that I get custody".*

-Even though they are admissable in civil court (at least in US), try and avoid conclusion statements. Judges generally hate to be told what to think or what something means. Also, you are not an expert, so your opinions mean very little. So don't say she is crazy, or acting crazy. Just state facts. Don't say she is an addict or unfit. Let the judge decide that. It seems counterintuitive, I know. State how often she uses drugs, or tell those stories as you did in your OP, as if you were a bystander describing it.

-Don't argue with her or talk over her. Judges hate that and they are people, too. Although they are supposed to remain impartial, it is hard to when you just really dislike one of the parties. Even an unconscious bias against your wife, because she is unruly and you are not, will go a long way towards helping your case. (Remember >50% is all it takes!)

-*Use social media and open source info.* I can't stress this one enough. Does she has a FB, Instagram, YT, etc page? Any questionable posts? Pics of her with drug paraphernalia, alcohol, messy home? Tweets or posts about such? Take a pic of the page showing these. Instead of saying she is unfit, you submit these as evidence. Beware your own online footprint - disable or delete your accounts and/or posts, as needed.

-Does she have a criminal record, especially OUI or drug/alcohol related? That is worth noting in court, as it goes towards her fitness as a parent, and towards supporting your statements of her general lifestyle. (But beware mentioning if you have your own crim record)

-A big rule of law is "fruit of the poisoned tree". Basically, for civil court it means once you've been busted by the judge telling a lie, everything you say is now subject to disbelief. It means instead of the judge taking your statements as 50/50, you are instantly fighting an uphill battle. As an example, she says she's fit and doesn't abuse drugs or alcohol, keep a messy home, etc. Then you produce photos of tweets, FB posts, pics, etc. Now she has been caught telling a lie in court. Every statement hereafter will be met with initial distrust by the judge. This is huge. All things being equal, you will win.

-Avoid parental alienation staments. Tell the judge you still want the mother in your child's life. As I mentioned, saying "our child" subtly reaffirms this. 

-You could ask for supervised visitation if you truly believe the child to be in danger. Just remember, you risk the ire of the judge if you can't prove the danger in court. So, have the aforementioned photos/tweets/posts/affidavits/etc.

-In the US, you may request a Guardian Ad Litem (GAL) be appointed to interview you, your ex, and sometimes the minor child depending on circumstances and local laws. Not sure if CA has something similar. But this allows someone (usually a psychologist) to interview you both and offer an opinion to the court as to whom the more fit parent is, and they can weigh in if they believe there is a legitimate danger to the child. *GAL reports are very powerful*, however there is a cost associated that you have to pay in the US.

-In the US, judges usually will try and get you to arbitrate the matter before bringing it before the court. This is usually nonbinding arbitration (meaning you agree to arbitrate, but you don't have to accept the decision). In some places this is required before you go before the judge. Arbitration has the lowest burden of proof. They basically go on "he said/she said" and may look at some documents or photos you present. Often the arbitrator will even ask the lawyers (if you have them) to leave the room so that the parties can interact and perhaps settle. Some arbitrators will subtly coerce you into settling (they may make leading statements, such as "you know guys don't often win these cases", or that she "may want to settle due to her lifestyle because the judge won't look favorably on it"). This is often a good time to play on the emotions of your spouse and calmly restate over and over that this is not personal and only in the best interest of your child, reminding her that you want her in your daugher's life, and will be open to ample structured visitation. (Usually arbitraton requries the most "give" on your part to get it done)

-If you have any text messages, emails, or voicemails to you with her being beligerent, with threats, or admitting to any of your allegations, you may be able to submit these, depending on local laws. Things like her denying you visitation or trying to alienate you are common instances of this. Avoid responding with anything other than "this is what is in the best interest of our child" type statements!

Sorry for the length, but I hope it helps. Good luck and hit me up if you have any questions. 

-Mark


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## Alberto7 (Apr 11, 2016)

Manurack said:


> So I got a call earlier from my ex and I's mutual friend, who took them into his house after being evicted.
> This guy who took them in has been good friends with me since I moved down here. I helped him and his family move from one house to another 2 times in 3 years, we've drank beers around the bonfire together, gone to see great movies at the theater and we've gone to concerts together. This guy is like my bro and best friend in Castlegar... Until the moment he called me.
> 
> I had no choice but to write down his address on the court papers stating where my ex is currently living. Now this guy calls me up and tells me that social services may come do an investigation at his house. He's beyond pissed. He's concerned because his fiancee & my ex are best friends, they have bongs, pipes in the house and grow weed in their house. They all smoke dope together too.
> ...



Right now, you are my hero.


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## russmuller (Apr 11, 2016)

USMarine75 said:


> I apologize in advance for the length, but since you took the time to share with us, I'm taking the time to share some legal advice that I really hope helps (beware, it is American flavored, and may not all apply):



*slow clap*


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## USMarine75 (Apr 11, 2016)

Manurack said:


> I had no choice but to write down his address on the court papers stating where my ex is currently living. Now this guy calls me up and tells me that social services may come do an investigation at his house. He's beyond pissed. He's concerned because his fiancee & my ex are best friends, they have bongs, pipes in the house and grow weed in their house. They all smoke dope together too.



Dude I dropped the ball... stream of consciousness and I totally forgot to mention this! But glad you did this. In the US, anyone can make an anonymous call to Children's Protective Services, Dept of Social Services, or whatever the particular state agency goes by, and report child endangerment. If the initial reported is "founded", then they will proceed with either a scheduled or unscheduled site visit depending on the nature. This is a gold standard win for you if it happens! If it is egregious, they may even remove the child immediately from the home. Not sure how bad their current living arangement is, but I'm sure it wont be long before they revert to their bad habits...

Best of luck!


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## Alex Kenivel (Apr 11, 2016)

Wow, I think there's now enough info in this thread, to be deemed a guide to custody battles


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## Manurack (Apr 11, 2016)

USMarine75 said:


> I apologize in advance for the length, but since you took the time to share with us, I'm taking the time to share some legal advice that I really hope helps (beware, it is American flavored, and may not all apply):
> 
> In the US, *civil court cases are decided on relatively low standards of evidence... usually a "preponderance of the evidence" (AKA more likely than not, >50%).* So, while stating "conclusions" and "he said / she said" statements are usually inadmissable in criminal court, they are often the deciding factor for civil litigation.
> 
> ...



Thank you so much for the information dude. I will definitely bring in pictures of my daughter and I together and my tax return that I recently filed. I know she had an instagram account where she always uploaded pics of her with her bong and pics of her drinking, so I'll track them down, print them off and present them in court.

In the past when I had an argument over the phone with my ex, she'd hang up on me because I didn't agree to whatever she said. Then 30 seconds later, I'd get a phone call from her boyfriend demanding that I agree to what she said. He's a taller guy then me, so he always tried to intimidate me. 
But this time when my ex was served court papers, I was expecting my ex's boyfriend to call me up and do his usual intimidation bull..... But he never called at all. That right there tells me they are both scared and they know that they can't deny the deplorable living condition my daughter was in, they can't deny the drug use with my daughter around in front of the judge.


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## russmuller (Apr 18, 2016)

Any updates on this? I'm rooting for you.


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## Manurack (Apr 18, 2016)

russmuller said:


> Any updates on this? I'm rooting for you.



So last weekend, my ex's mom wanted to see her at her new address. My ex told her she doesn't want to see her mom since she's the person that kicked her out of the house. The mom was sneaky and told my ex she has $100 for her. So my ex came out and collected the money and was about to walk off, the mom said "I have something else for you (hands her the folder of court papers) you've just been served Skye. Court date is at the bottom" The mom told me she watched her chest start beating fast, then her legs started shaking and my ex said to her mom "how do I win this mom? How do I beat him in court?!?!" And her mom said she can't help her and reminded her that the first court document states that she can't leave Castlegar with our daughter, or else the cops will track her down and throw her in jail for child abduction.

I seriously wish I could've been there the moment my ex was served the court papers. I got a call about 5 minutes later from my ex, crying asking why I did this to her.
I've been getting messages everyday on Facebook from my ex. She said she's going to show the judge the message of me saying I was okay with moving to Prince George (she thinks she has serious grounds on that lol) and saying she has the message of me telling her room mate that he still has a chance to kick them out, saying that me trying to kick her out of her new house is sabotage. 

She's being the cockiest person in the world right now, saying that in court she can 100% deny my accusations of her living conditions that my daughter was in... But she has no idea that her mom and grandmother are going to testify against her as my witnesses to confirm the evidence. So she's absolutely fvcked when we go to court. I can't wait to watch her make a complete ass of herself in front of the judge and own up to her bull.....


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## noUser01 (Apr 18, 2016)

Man, I can't even imagine what it's like to be in your shoes right now. Prince George is awful, it's not just that First Nations people are treated poorly, it's that there's full blown hostility between white people and First Nations people. I have very little doubt that part of the reason they want to live there is because it's such a drug town too.

I think you're doing everything the right way, and there's no doubt that you'll win this case. I'm really rooting for you, brother.


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## Manurack (Apr 18, 2016)

ConnorGilks said:


> Man, I can't even imagine what it's like to be in your shoes right now. Prince George is awful, it's not just that First Nations people are treated poorly, it's that there's full blown hostility between white people and First Nations people. I have very little doubt that part of the reason they want to live there is because it's such a drug town too.
> 
> I think you're doing everything the right way, and there's no doubt that you'll win this case. I'm really rooting for you, brother.



Thanks bro. The other night, my ex's mom invited me over to her house with my daughter for one last big family dinner before they sell the house. I get along great with my former in-laws, I still consider them family and we always have a good time. We had a nice roast beef dinner together, had a bonfire afterwards as well. My daughter and her aunties (who are 5 and 7, just a few years older than my daughter) had marshmallows and the rest of us all drank beer around the bonfire and talked about funny stories that happened since I met them in 2010. They've watched me grow up as well since I was a dumbass 19 year old kid. They know how well of a father I am to my daughter. They just want the best environment for my daughter and they know I can give her exactly that.
My ex wasn't even invited to the dinner. 

I also spent 2 weeks in Prince George in the summer of 2010 and I never want to go back, let alone raise my daughter in that ....hole city. My ex's boyfriend absolutely hates Castlegar, he wants to go back to his mom and family in Prince George. When I had dinner the other night, my ex's room mates still live at the house and they told me that my ex doesn't really want to move to Prince George anyways, it's just her dip.... boyfriend pushing her to move. I've been friends with her room mate for years and he's a good dude, he told me he absolutely hates my ex's boyfriend because he treats my ex with a lot of disrespect and manipulates her to the point where he forces her to move to Prince George later this year. Either way she can't go now due to the court agreement.


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## Manurack (Apr 30, 2016)

Alright guys, here's a *HUGE* update: *the written affidavit by my ex's mother that is submitted in court.* 
My ex's mom emailed this to me the other night and holy fvck... It's a goddamn nuclear bomb towards my ex in court! It's a long read (7 pages total) as it's all facts from the moment we split in 2013 up until the day they were evicted at the beginning of this month.

Edit: affidavit taken down. But trust me, it's really bad for my ex and the judge will find it very interesting.


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## Ordacleaphobia (Apr 30, 2016)

Christ, that part about the assault, oh my god, man.
I knew it was bad after reading that horror story, thank god you got her out of there, dude. 

She really took no prisoners in that piece, I've really got a good feeling for you man. Keep us posted.


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## asher (Apr 30, 2016)

The mind boggles. That's seriously depressing to read...


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## tedtan (Apr 30, 2016)

Glas to hear things are working out for you manual! It's best for your daughter (and everyone else, too).

Just from a cover your (and your former mother in law's) ass perspective, you may want to take down that letter. You don't want your ex to find it and sue you or Sarah for slander. But maybe that's a bigger issue in the US than in Canada.


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## Slunk Dragon (Apr 30, 2016)

Oh my god, the amount of detail and all the things that happened...

Best of luck to you, man. That testimony is just unbelievable.


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## Manurack (Apr 30, 2016)

Slunk Dragon said:


> Oh my god, the amount of detail and all the things that happened...
> 
> Best of luck to you, man. That testimony is just unbelievable.



I couldn't believe it either but I knew things were bad at that house, but I didn't know the extent of it and how horrible the situation actually was.


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## anunnaki (Apr 30, 2016)

So sad that your daughter had to live in those conditions. I hope that you gain custody of your daughter and that your ex receives the help that she needs.


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## Alex Kenivel (Apr 30, 2016)

I stopped reading after the assault and skimmed a little on ahead. What a terrible person, that Apple obviously fell far from the tree.


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## Alberto7 (Apr 30, 2016)

Jesus Christ, what even happened in that family? That was truly sad and alarming to read... I hope to everything that is holy that you get custody over your daughter man, that is a truly awful environment she's in right now. I lack the words after reading that testimony. Best of lucks dude.


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## NicePants (Apr 30, 2016)

Manurack said:


> _This is about the time the made up stories began. Skye raged at me in the car coming home about how much psychological trauma I allegedly caused her when I fat shamed her and forced to go to a gym for 6 months as a child. Knowing nothing like that had happened, I questioned her further about where the gym was located in town and how old she had been. Through much talking, I realized the seed of truth was that I once clipped a coupon for a 2 for 1 ladies only offer to the Curves gym in Prince George and once convinced Skye to go complete the 30 minute circuit with me and then go for lunch one saturday. We did that together, Skye was about 12, and we both felt a little silly about it and then we laughed about the whole experience over lunch before going home. We never returned a second time and no big deal was ever made about it until her grossly exaggerated story with the tiny seed of resemblance 7 years later. _



Oh god she's one of those. As a fat person, I would like to apologize for this. Not all of us are insane.


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## All_¥our_Bass (Apr 30, 2016)

Don't give up, keep going.

You can beat this.


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## Xaios (Apr 30, 2016)

tedtan said:


> Just from a cover your (and your former mother in law's) ass perspective, you may want to take down that letter. You don't want your ex to find it and sue you or Sarah for slander. But maybe that's a bigger issue in the US than in Canada.



I'd recommend it as well. While I have precisely zero experience in anything court-related, I think it's prudent not to give your ex any ammunition, and your ex could potentially make the case that posting that statement here is an act intended to curry public favour against her.

But DAMN, the part about the assault was hard to read.

Also, I have to ask... is your daughter named after an MTG character? If so, awesome.


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## MajorTom (May 9, 2016)

To the O.P. that was seriously a seriously hard thing to read, I don't live in the U.S. so I don't know the first thing about your legal system, so can't offer you any useful advice, you and your daughter have my best wishes, and I seriously hope that you get custody.

You make me realize how lucky I am and how good I have it with my daughters mother, who is not wife.


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## ASoC (May 9, 2016)

Didn't get a chance to read the affidavit, but judging from the responses I'd guess that there were some serious horror stories in there. 

I'd also bet there's more than just cannabis use going on. I smoke daily and so do most of my friends and none of us are like that. We all work, go to school, or do both. I've never met anyone that smoked weed (and didn't do anything harder) and had their life in that kind of disarray. 

Keep fighting the good fight, man. It looks like the deck is pretty much stacked in your favor, hopefully this inspires your ex to make some changes.


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## MajorTom (May 10, 2016)

ASoC said:


> Didn't get a chance to read the affidavit, but judging from the responses I'd guess that there were some serious horror stories in there.
> 
> I'd also bet there's more than just cannabis use going on. I smoke daily and so do most of my friends and none of us are like that. We all work, go to school, or do both. I've never met anyone that smoked weed (and didn't do anything harder) and had their life in that kind of disarray.
> 
> Keep fighting the good fight, man. It looks like the deck is pretty much stacked in your favor, hopefully this inspires your ex to make some changes.



Not to derail the thread but I know more people who sit at home all day and do nothing but smoke nothing but weed, we are talking ounces of the stuff daily - so no tobacco or anything else they smoke only smoke weed and smoke it pure, they smoke so much weed that it actually takes them all day of smoking weed to get stonned, than I do people who mix substances, these people don't even do the odd line of speed or coke when we go out drinking, in fact most of them don't even touch alcohol and are vegetarian. Not to mention that their houses tend to be spotless and they tend to be amazing at video games, all they do is smoke dope, play video games and clean their houses.

In my circle of friends and acquaintances I am very much in the minority as one of the very few people who will smoke weed and do lines of coke/speed......, in other words use multiple substances, and I manage to look professional enough that parents trust me with their children's music education, I get offered word teaching music at schools - not as a music teacher but as a guitar teacher for the schools extra curriculum activities, and I gig regularly. So it is possible to 'have fun and let your hair down' and still hold down a job and come off as professional.


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## Alimination (May 31, 2016)

Any updates on this?


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## sezna (Jun 3, 2016)

Keep us updated. At least she is still at an age where this will all just be a foggy memory, and hopefully she ends up with you and that's all she knows.


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## Manurack (Jun 6, 2016)

Hey guys. 

Things didn't go as I planned they would in court. The judge said he read the 7 page affidavit that my ex's mom provided. And for the time that I had it posted on here and those of you that read the affidavit, you know my ex would have no chance of looking after my daughter. 

The day we had court was nerve racking. There was about 10-15 cases that day and we had to wait 2 and a half hours until our case was called up. 
Our "lawyers" were working for free for each family, the lawyers didn't even read our case since all that we had against eachother were relocation orders, meaning my ex can't go to Prince George with my daughter and that I can't go to Nunavut with my daughter.

My lawyer said it's best if I drop my relocation order on my ex and get out of court as soon as possible. I told her I want full custody of my daughter and she didn't seem to give a flying fvck about that. She said that under the new family law acts, since I was with my ex for a year and a half of my daughter's life, my lawyer said I'm already a legal guardian and that my ex is a legal guardian as well.
So even if I went into court saying I want full custody/guardianship of my daughter, they wouldn't allow it unless my ex has done something illegal then ended up in prison.

So when our case was called, I told the judge that I was dropping my relocation against my ex since she finally started a job just a week before our court date and that she told myself and the judge that she plans on living in Castlegar now. 
A week before our court date, I went to a big dinner and bonfire with family and mutual friends that I have with my ex. They told me that before all the court bs started, she was telling our mutual friends that she doesn't even want to move to Prince George and that it was all her boyfriends idea to move. 
Anyways in court, I demanded that my ex drop her relocation order on me because if she did in fact still have that relocation order on me, I would be forced to have a written contract with my ex stating when I would take my daughter on a vacation to visit my family in the Arctic and I would have to state where I would stay and who I would have around my daughter, basically giving her complete control of when and where I have my daughter and I know that she would completely deny my vacation with my daughter. 
So I told the judge and my ex's lawyer that I want her order on me dropped as well. So we dropped our orders against eachother and the judge said to both of us *"okay, that's all. Now both of you continue to be good parents and have a good day"* and I'm thinking "what the fvck just happened? Did the judge even read the affidavit provided by my former mother in law?!?! Did he even read how my ex lives and keeps a dangerous environment for my daughter?" And that was it. I have a strong feeling that this judge just skimmed through the 7 page affidavit as he had so many cases to work on that day.

I was beyond pissed with the outcome of court on May 3rd. I was hurt and some days I couldn't keep myself together. After court, my ex's mom called and wanted to know the outcome of court. She wasn't happy with the results as well. She suspects that the judge didn't read the whole affidavit. But she did tell me if I want to go to court again against my ex, that she is willing to help me and be there in the court room as my witness.

So my ex got with her boyfriend in February of 2014 and she was on welfare/assistance from the government. She was claiming as a single mom and that she had my daughter 24/7 to get the most amount of money from welfare.
So her and her boyfriend are still together right now. She told that me that she got off welfare at the end of 2015. The huge thing is, she did NOT declare her boyfriend as a spouse and that he was living in the house and that he was working and bringing income into the house... She failed to update her welfare paperwork stating that she has a spouse and that he was bringing money into the home. So she was committing welfare fraud and the government does NOT tolerate that at all. 
I've done research on welfare fraud in Canada and like I said, the government does not take kindly to people stealing money from the welfare system when there are people out there who _actually_ need welfare.
I read that theft under $5,000 is minimum 6 months in jail and that theft over $5,000 is a maximum 10 years in jail. Now she told me she was receiving $800 per month from welfare when we split up as I was curious to how she was going to live with my daughter as I had a right to know that my daughter would be safe.
She said that $600 would pay the rent at her mom's house and the remaining $200 was for food. Now if you've been with a person in a relationship after 3 months, they are considered your spouse/common-law. So in June of 2014, she was supposed to update her welfare file stating she had a spouse living in her home and that he was working and bringing money into the home.
But she didn't. I've done the math on how much money that she stole from the welfare system from June 2014 until December of 2015 when she says she got off welfare. The amount of money she stole from the welfare system from June 2014 to December 2015 is $15,200. 
Her boyfriend was working multiple jobs and with the money he made while with my ex, he could have easily paid for the rent and bought money. But they saw an opportunity to get a free place to live, spend money on whatever they wanted and live off the government.

Now that pisses me off how my ex lived a super easy life reaching her hand into the government's pockets to pay rent and get food with welfare, then buying whatever the hell they wanted with her bf's income. I imagine that would piss off pretty much everyone else in the working world. My ex has also cut my days short with my daughter after court. Before court, I would pickup my daughter on thursday night or Friday morning and my ex would pick her up on Monday night or Tuesday morning. Now I only have my daughter from Friday night to Monday morning and I'm so goddamn pissed with that. I'm thinking of reporting my ex to the government for welfare fraud and providing the welfare system with the 7 page affidavit written by my ex's mother since it states when my ex's boyfriend moved into the house. 

I'm seriously done dealing with my ex's endless BS. Another thing is, I want to raise my daughter in the Arctic and live the Inuit lifestyle. It hit me last week that after my daughter was born, we went to live in my hometown in June of 2012 and moved down to British Columbia in March of 2013. So out of the last 4 years of my daughter's life, she has only spent 9 months of her life with my family. I want her to engage in our Inuit culture and grow up in the Arctic.


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## vansinn (Jun 6, 2016)

I have fair knowledge of law, though obviously not detailed in i.e. the US.

I've seen before, both personally and with others, that the legal system only deals with what they look at as being the basics of an issue, and to me it seems that once you both dropped the relocation orders, then the system said, ok, they can agree to cooperate, so no more to be seen, pass the street..

I'm not going to offer advices, as I have too little knowledge of your specifics, as stated.
I will, however, say that I think it's in your own interest not to post in public that you had some drinks - if only for a very short while, and to calm your nerves..
Your ex surely knows about your music and forum habits, and anything online never disappears, so this could easily be used against you: "Look, Judge, he's now developed a drinking problem; here's what he wrote about it himself".
That there's smoking going on on the other side by then wouldn't carry any weight in your favor, unless there's proof of this.


Slightly related, maybe: My ex couldn't handle both kids, ad couldn't stand the thought of me getting the youngest, so as we _both_ years before the divorce had burned some oregano, she used this against me. She had and presented no proof (of a non-existing issue), but this nevertheless led the system to not even inform me about her accusation or that my kid had been placed in the public care system (I only found out when my daughter reached 12 and wished to meet her real dad, me).

This is ancient history by now - I'm 58, so cannot be 'back-track-prosecuted', so I'm merely telling it as potentially useful info.


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## Manurack (Jun 6, 2016)

Thanks for the info Vansinn. I found her instagram account where she regularly uploads pics of her with her bongs and other paraphernalia online. I'll be sure to screenshot any illegal activity that she's doing to build another case against her.


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## VBCheeseGrater (Jun 8, 2016)

That is a damn shame about your court date. You would think more would be addressed. As far as the ex's welfare issues, don't forget to be thankful that NONE of that is your problem anymore. If she gets caught you'll get custody. I'm sure you have enough to worry about trying to step up and be a good parent and probably half of another parent to your daughter. Good Luck.


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## Slunk Dragon (Jun 9, 2016)

Don't give up, man. I cannot possibly imagine how hard all of this is, but when you have good intentions and you don't give up, I am sure you'll see the fruits of your labor in due time.


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## Random3 (Jun 12, 2016)

I might be misunderstanding or oversimplifying things but it seems to me that if your ex stole $15,200 from the government then she should be in prison, and going by what you said that would give you full custody. If/how you make that happen I have no idea. I guess it would need to be proven that your ex is using your daughter to commit welfare fraud.

Either way, the fact that your ex's mother and grandmother are both siding with you speaks volumes I would have thought.

This is sad. Best of luck to you.


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## sezna (Jun 13, 2016)

Random3 said:


> I might be misunderstanding or oversimplifying things but it seems to me that if your ex stole $15,200 from the government then she should be in prison, and going by what you said that would give you full custody. If/how you make that happen I have no idea. I guess it would need to be proven that your ex is using your daughter to commit welfare fraud.
> 
> Either way, the fact that your ex's mother and grandmother are both siding with you speaks volumes I would have thought.
> 
> This is sad. Best of luck to you.



Yeah he seems to have more than enough ammo to put her away in a normal situation, but what's infuriating is that the judges and lawyers don't seem to care or have any empathy.


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## Manurack (Jun 13, 2016)

sezna said:


> Yeah he seems to have more than enough ammo to put her away in a normal situation, but what's infuriating is that the judges and lawyers don't seem to care or have any empathy.



That is what pissed me off the most. The judge didn't seem to care about our case at all and my lawyer didn't give a rats ass either. I'm certain the government will find out about my ex cheating the welfare system soon and she will have to face the consequences.


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## Ordacleaphobia (Jun 14, 2016)

Manurack said:


> That is what pissed me off the most. The judge didn't seem to care about our case at all and my lawyer didn't give a rats ass either. I'm certain the government will find out about my ex cheating the welfare system soon and she will have to face the consequences.



It is pretty sad that they couldn't give a f*ck until they find out that she's taking money from them too, and then when they find that out, you bet they'll come down like the fist of God because now it's suddenly a big deal.
Whatever. At least they'll do something. I still think it's pathetic how far you have to go to get something done in the legal system (outside the default decisions, woman gets custody, dad gets weekends, guilty until proven innocent, etc) these days.


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## Jacksonluvr636 (Jun 14, 2016)

Start documenting everything.

Dates and behaviors of your ex. Things your daughter said, get pics of you can.

Bring up the drug use AT COURT, Do not warn her. Maybe they will order a drug test immediately?

Idk how your system works there but no judge in their right mind will grant custody to a dead beat drug user.

Also, can she even move? Where I live you cannot move more than 50 miles and take your child without the other parent's permission.


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## MikeH (Jun 15, 2016)

Really sorry to hear about the outcome of this, brother. But it's a midpoint. Don't let this be the end of it. Your ex is more than obviously an outright piece of chit, and your daughter is living in a very hazardous environment, not only for a 3 year old, but for a human in general. My older brother had a similar issue with his ex, who was/is a full blown heroin addict, so I'm generally familiar with this stuff. It was a long battle for him, as they didn't really do anything but grant 50/50 custody until his ex was arrested for possession of heroin and sent to rehab. Luckily, he now has full custody, and does everything under the sun for my niece. He's a great father who works tirelessly to provide for her, and it seems like you're trying to do the same. My suggestion is to just keep fighting. Keep tabs on her, all while trying to do everything in your power to make yourself a better father. Not to say that you're a bad one by any means, but you know what I mean. Basically, make yourself look like a god to the courts. Keep your head up, man, and focus on doing what's best for your daughter.


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## sezna (Jun 15, 2016)

Jacksonluvr636 said:


> Bring up the drug use AT COURT, Do not warn her. Maybe they will order a drug test immediately?


 +1 that would be sweet justice


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