# How well do you know your metal?



## DavyH (Jul 20, 2011)

Dunno if this has been posted before, but:

* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.

* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her (not necessarily in that order), then leaves.

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist IS the dragon, dwells in the heart of the night with in a castle full of hellhounds and eternal flames. He kills the sassy knight, fucks the noble steed and sacrifices the princess to Satan.

* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.

* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.

* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.


----------



## Cabinet (Jul 20, 2011)




----------



## Prydogga (Jul 20, 2011)

I was going to do an inb4 djent, but:

*DJENT (Shut up, I don't care if it's a genre or not) METAL (Again, )
...And on the 3rd day, Meshuggah created the dragon for their amusement, the knight killed the dragon and later invented the calculator and dubsteb. Girls are gross.


----------



## MaxOfMetal (Jul 20, 2011)

DavyH said:


> * DOOM METAL
> The protagonist arrives, smokes out the dragon and the princess, fucks the princess slowly over and over again in slight variation while the dragon gets munchies.



Fixed.


----------



## KevHo (Jul 20, 2011)

I LOL'd hard.


----------



## pink freud (Jul 20, 2011)

Prydogga said:


> I was going to do an inb4 djent, but:
> 
> *DJENT (Shut up, I don't care if it's a genre or not) METAL (Again, )
> ...And on the 3rd day, Meshuggah created the dragon for their amusement, the knight killed the dragon and later invented the calculator and dubsteb. Girls are gross.



Djent: The protagonist rides up and busts out his fanned-fretted 9-string guitar with custom BKPs going into an Axe FX II with Superior 2.0 backing drums and proceeds to play syncopated riffs on the lowest three strings of the guitar. The dragon is fascinated by the tonez and the two proceed to talk about scale lengths while the princess starves to death.


----------



## BucketheadRules (Jul 20, 2011)

DavyH said:


> * THRASH METAL
> The protagonist arrives, writes a hateful diatribe about the dragon and uses it as lyrics to a song, then kills the dragon with a nuclear missile and fucks the princess.



That sounds more like it.


----------



## ghostred7 (Jul 20, 2011)

DavyH said:


> * PROGRESSIVE METAL
> The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. *The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.*


OMG....I LOL'd for real. My co-workers thought I was nuts LMAO.


----------



## Korngod (Jul 20, 2011)

that NU METAL one....


----------



## ittoa666 (Jul 20, 2011)

ERep for you good sir. One of the funniest things I've seen on here in a while.


----------



## caskettheclown (Jul 20, 2011)

best laugh i've had in a while


thank you


----------



## gunshow86de (Jul 20, 2011)

Prydogga said:


> * DJENT METAL
> 
> The protagonist arrives with really expensive armor and swords forged by "boutique" smiths, angers the dragon (who only listens to true metal) with the catchy-ness of his songs, sells merch to the princess, then 100 protagonist clones show up



Fixed.


----------



## tacotiklah (Jul 20, 2011)

These were dead on! My favorite was the gore metal one. 

+rep good sir


----------



## tacotiklah (Jul 20, 2011)

Ill try one:

DEATHCORE:
The protagonist ninja windmill punches his way to the dragon with a schecter 8 string and a 6505+half stack, skin tight jeans, and with gauges larger than some African tribeswomen. Once there proceeds to continuously chug dissonant power chords while bobbing up and down like he is practicing being bottom for gay sex. The dragon starts feeling homophobic and slowly inches away out of sight. Once the protagonist encounters the princess, they both realize there is no mutual sexual interest and both proceed to chase after the heavy metal guy.


----------



## Gamma362 (Jul 20, 2011)

ghstofperdition said:


> Ill try one:
> 
> DEATHCORE:
> The protagonist ninja windmill punches his way to the dragon with a schecter 8 string and a 6505+half stack, skin tight jeans, and with gauges larger than some African tribeswomen. Once there proceeds to continuously chug dissonant power chords while bobbing up and down like he is practicing being bottom for gay sex. The dragon starts feeling homophobic and slowly inches away out of sight. Once the protagonist encounters the princess, they both realize there is no mutual sexual interest and both proceed to chase after the heavy metal guy.



That is fucking epic man


----------



## Djent (Jul 21, 2011)

NU METAL:
The protagonist arrives, then starts to treat the dragon like a total fucking psychologist, bawling his guts out over how much everyone hates him. The dragon knows he's to cool to handle this douche, so he has the princess kill him with her own bare hands. The dragon later fucks the princess as a reward.

DJENT (I know):
The protagonist arrives, and promptly kills the dragon, knocks down the castle, and fucks the princess at the same time with a single palm-muted chug from with his Blackmachine (with BKPs, of course) through his Axe-FX.

FUNK METAL:
The protagonist arrives, completely bypasses the dragon, fucks the princess for an hour, and leaves.

METALCORE:
The protagonist, along with his sidekick, arrive, and split the dragon in half with dueling sweeps in Drop D. They then fuck the princess (threesome), and burn the castle down.

CHRISTIAN METAL:
The protagonist arrives, calls on the power of God to kill the dragon, and leaves the castle and princess intact.

DRONE METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and puts the princess to sleep with the excessive feedback, and slowly fucks the princess.

GROOVE METAL:
The protagonist arrives, distracts the dragon by acting tough and producing a catchy beat, and fucks the princess.


----------



## The Somberlain (Jul 21, 2011)

POST METAL: the protagonist plays delayed minor chords slowly until the dragon questions the relevance of some music and falls asleep. Then the protagonist goes all heavy-dirgy and gives the dragon a hemorrhage and it subsequently dies. Then the protagonist enters the castle and directs a pretentious, though dull and misinformed rant about Nietzche or something to the princess, who then escapes and searches for the heavy metal protagonist.


----------



## Prydogga (Jul 21, 2011)

*HEAVY METAL
The protagonist kills the dragon with a slamming blues lick and fucks the princess, then finds her mother much more attractive, and fucks her. Princess goes crying to the djent metal protagonist who she's friend zoned.


----------



## Cabinet (Jul 21, 2011)

Neo classical shred metal:
The protagonist stands close to the ground, one leg straight, the other bent at a 90 degree angle, duels the dragon shredding up the circle of 5ths using a combination of the Melodic and Harmonic minor modes which generates a purple beam of dark energy enveloping the dragon and sending it into oblivion.
The protagonist then blasts Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture while blowing his load deep into the princess.


----------



## Goatchrist (Jul 21, 2011)

Haha this is some funny shit!


----------



## ittoa666 (Jul 21, 2011)

Cabinet said:


> Neo classical shred metal:
> The protagonist stands close to the ground, one leg straight, the other bent at a 90 degree angle, duels the dragon shredding up the circle of 5ths using a combination of the Melodic and Harmonic minor modes which generates a purple beam of dark energy enveloping the dragon and sending it into oblivion.
> The protagonist then blasts Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture while blowing his load deep into the princess.









Best cover ever.


----------



## -42- (Jul 21, 2011)

GRINDCORE: The protagonist kills the princess and fucks the dragon. He finishes in less than thirty seconds.

INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist arrives and proceeds to tell the dragon about his problems with society and the merits of drum machines and foundation. The dragon realizes that the protagonist keeps repeating himself and promptly kills him. The princess is wondering who the fuck wears baggy white pants anyways.

SLUDGE METAL: The protagonist arrives in a '67 Camaro and makes short work of the dragon. He then proceeds to bang the princess with slow, powerful thrusts. 

STONER METAL: Like SLUDGE METAL, but he drives a beat-to-shit 88' station wagon with 220,000 miles on it, and he finishes slightly faster.

MELODIC DEATH METAL: The protagonist arrives in all of his Nordic glory. He follows more or less the same m.o. as POWER METAL, but he fucks the princess, he doesn't make love.


----------



## ittoa666 (Jul 21, 2011)

Depressive Black Metal: Nattramn arrives at the castle, screams like a mental patient, kills the dragon, and then screams at the princess until she commits suicide. Then, nattramn kills himself.


----------



## BrainArt (Jul 21, 2011)

-42- said:


> INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist arrives and proceeds to tell the dragon about his problems with society and the merits of drum machines and foundation. The dragon realizes that the protagonist keeps repeating himself and promptly kills him. The princess is wondering who the fuck wears baggy white pants anyways.


----------



## BucketheadRules (Jul 21, 2011)

_Technical death metal_: The protagonist arrives, plays diminished sweep patterns on an Ibanez Xiphos at 25 notes per second until the dragon's head explodes, then gets so involved in what he's playing that the princess leaves before he can fuck her.

_Stoner metal_: The protagonist arrives and plays Bb-tuned power chords through a cranked Hiwatt stack and a fuzz box for nine hours until the dragon leaves. Then he rolls a massive joint and gets monged out of his skull with the princess.

_Djent_: The protagonist arrives and refuses to play because there isn't an Axe-FX.


----------



## Hemi-Powered Drone (Jul 21, 2011)

onetimeoneplace said:


> FUNK METAL:
> The protagonist arrives, completely bypasses the dragon, fucks the princess for an hour, and leaves.


----------



## signalgrey (Jul 21, 2011)

Post-Metal: The protagonist doesn't show up because that is too predictable.


----------



## gunshow86de (Jul 21, 2011)

^



For Post-metal I was going to say something about the protagonist getting distract by all the echos in the dragon's cave,


----------



## BucketheadRules (Jul 21, 2011)

What kind of metal would Mr Bungle come under?

_Mr Bungle-metal (it'll have to do for now)_: The protagonist arrives, makes some comedy fart noises and then confuses the dragon by playing an unusual mix of atonal jazz, circus music and thrash metal with vocal samples recorded by a dying goose. The dragon goes to lie down and books a holiday, convinced he is going insane, while our protagonist has unbelievably perverted sex with the princess, then writes a song about it.


----------



## Prydogga (Jul 21, 2011)

DETHKLOK METAL?

Dethklok announce a show in which they will perform for a living, breathing dragon. 
The progtagonists arrive at the scene via a physically impossible method, perform above the dragon's cave, with a crowd of 100,000 crowded around and inside said cave. The music awakes the dragon, angering him. Thousands are killed in his initial awakening, stomping and biting the public, then once out of his lair, he just lays down some flames, cooking everyone, including the princess. 

The dragon hits one of the support copters, and it flies into his face, causing a massive and wicked explosion, which FOR SOME REASON nukes the nearest 20 mile radius, sans Dethklok, who fly away unscathed.


----------



## BucketheadRules (Jul 21, 2011)

Prydogga said:


> The dragon hits one of the support copters, and it flies into his face, causing a massive and wicked explosion, which FOR SOME REASON nukes the nearest 20 mile radius, sans Dethklok, who fly away unscathed.





It's funny because it's true.


----------



## Hemi-Powered Drone (Jul 21, 2011)

Stoner Metal - The protagonist gets high, the dragon gets high, the princess gets high. The protagonist then fucks the princess while the dragon is fascinated with with his claws. After the fucking they order a pizza.


----------



## BrainArt (Jul 21, 2011)

Prydogga said:


> DETHKLOK METAL?
> 
> Dethklok announce a show in which they will perform for a living, breathing dragon.
> The progtagonists arrive at the scene via a physically impossible method, perform above the dragon's cave, with a crowd of 100,000 crowded around and inside said cave. The music awakes the dragon, angering him. Thousands are killed in his initial awakening, stomping and biting the public, then once out of his lair, he just lays down some flames, cooking everyone, including the princess.
> ...



So much zazz in this post.


----------



## Diggy (Jul 21, 2011)

LMAO!


----------



## gunshow86de (Jul 21, 2011)

BrainArt said:


> So much zazz in this post.



You could just put it on the zazz train to zazz-ville.


----------



## Dan (Jul 21, 2011)

Stealthtastic Metal: Arrives at the castle and sends the dragon nude photos of himself. He subsequently gets band from the castle.

Djent: The protagonist arrives with a plural name and proceeds to do what the metalcore/deathcore protagonists did except in a weirder time signature. Due to the fact that doing this is currently popular the dragon walks off because he can't be bothered to explain once again that the phrase 'djent' is a made up musical terminology. The pricess gives him the finger and heads off to listen to some Katatonia. The djent protagonist realises about 6 years down the line that he was essentially doing what all the nu-metal kids did in the 00's and feels ashamed.


----------



## pink freud (Jul 21, 2011)

Devin Townsend: He arrives after a two year hiatus and lulls the dragon into a sense of relaxation before releasing a pop of metal that turns the dragon into a cheeseburger. He then flies up to the castle and gives the princess a skullet.


----------



## Demiurge (Jul 21, 2011)

MELODIC DEATH METAL
Knight arrives at the castle only to be told-off by the dragon with a priggish dismissal that the princess was already rescued years ago by At The Gates. Five years later, an American knight with emo hair arrives and is advised of same by the dragon.


----------



## -42- (Jul 21, 2011)

BrainArt said:


>



Fine.

INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist arrives and starts complaining about how the new Morbid Angel album is ripping off Combichrist. The dragon agrees and they both leave to beat some sense back into Trey Azagthoth. The princess still thinks the pants are tacky.

Happy?


----------



## SilenceIsACrime (Jul 21, 2011)

Power Violence - the protagonist bursts in, kills the dragon, fucks the princess, trashes the absolute shit out of the castle and then leaves. All in under a minute.


----------



## Hemi-Powered Drone (Jul 21, 2011)

SilenceIsACrime said:


> Power Violence - the protagonist bursts in, kills the dragon, fucks the princess, trashes the absolute shit out of the castle and then leaves. All in under a minute.



The fucking and killing happens all at the same time.


----------



## SAWitall (Jul 21, 2011)

Djent-the protagonist arrives at the castle. half human half cyborg..before the dragon initiates the attack the protagonist loads up ezplayer pro and figures out the dragons attack patterns. proceeds to use multiple blows to the dragon when the dragons not on the offense. princess gets bored and goes to look for a more natural protagonist.


----------



## PyramidSmasher (Jul 21, 2011)

SYMPHONIC METAL
The sweaty middle aged protagonist trips over his own weight and is killed instantly.


----------



## Hemi-Powered Drone (Jul 21, 2011)

PyramidSmasher said:


> SYMPHONIC METAL
> The sweaty middle aged protagonist trips over his own weight and is killed instantly.


----------



## Grand Moff Tim (Jul 21, 2011)

Necrophagist Metal: The new protagonist hasn't shown up yet, and the princess is getting rather impatient.


----------



## pink freud (Jul 21, 2011)

Female-fronted Symphonic Metal:
The protagonist rides up wearing a corset and leather pants and proceeds to play her latest single. The dragon leaves in search of true metal, but sneaks back in hopes that the protagonist and the princess will make some hot lesbian love.


----------



## Djent (Jul 21, 2011)

GWAR:
The protagonists *are* the dragon and the princess. They end up decapitating each other in the end.


----------



## Dan (Jul 21, 2011)

Grand Moff Tim said:


> Necrophagist Metal: The new protagonist hasn't shown up yet, and the princess is getting rather impatient.



Same can also be applied for Wintersun Metal


----------



## The Somberlain (Jul 21, 2011)

OLDSCHOOL DEATH METAL: the protagonist refuses to play technical sweeps and ends up sounding twenty years late. The dragon is a rotting corpse already killed by Suffocation, and the princess booked a flight to Poland looking for Vader


----------



## BucketheadRules (Jul 21, 2011)

Old school death would be more like this:

The protagonist arrives with an old C-tuned BC Rich Warlock and a Marshall Valvestate, and scares the shit out of the dragon with horrifyingly evil lyrics and a completely atonal solo before cutting its guts out and offering them as a sacrifice to Baal.

Then he tries to have sex with the princess, but she's too creeped out and goes in search of the djent protagonist to apologise for rejecting him earlier, hoping she can possibly get in with someone who has actually washed since 1994.


----------



## -42- (Jul 21, 2011)

CYNIC: The protagonist arrives, and plays music of such profound beauty that the dragon begins to weep as he realizes the profundity of it all. Though the princess is very much willing the protagonist resists her advances, claiming that he passed beyond the realm of physical pleasure about fifteen years ago.


----------



## BucketheadRules (Jul 21, 2011)

As opposed to Atheist: The protagonist arrives and bursts into a 19/8 riff, then a 12/8 riff, then a 3.6/4 riff, and then a 26/31.5 riff in the space of twenty seconds. The dragon's and the princess's heads explode. Protagonist is left to sit in despair and writes a song about alien encounters to take his mind off things.


----------



## -42- (Jul 21, 2011)

Well if we're going down this road.

OBITUARY: John Tardy's voice levels the castle, killing both the princess and the dragon.


----------



## Grand Moff Tim (Jul 21, 2011)

Southern Metal: The protagonist kills the dragon, Dean gives the dragon a signature model.


----------



## bostjan (Jul 21, 2011)

Metallica:
The protagonist-ah is locked in a dungeon-ah yeah, and has-ah a bad dream, yeah, about a dragon-ah that should-ah not be, yeah.

Napalm Death:
Groawr!*

*CD liner notes say that the lyrics are about a dragon that suffered, but it didn't know why it suffered.

Mr. Bungle:
The protagonist meets the dragon, insults the dragon, then gets his ass set on fire.

Rammstein:
A band of protagonists have sex with a dragon on stage, then have sex with each other, then have sex with a horse, all while shouting in german about all of the little children who were burned by the dragon back in 1960. Meanwhile the princess runs on stage and is set on fire by the singer (not the dragon). Days later it is revealed that the princess was a hired stuntman.

Korn:
The dragon is actually a metaphor for an abusive father and the protagonist cries for four minutes during the song about his childhood.

GWAR:
A bunch of monsters and dragons have sex and spray bodily fluids all over the audience. No one is quite sure which one is supposed to be the princess.

Ozzy:
The protagonist bites the head of off the dragon.

Punk:
No one really cares about the dragon, and the princess is dissuaded by the system.

Grunge:
No one is really sure what happened, because the lyrics were too hard to understand, except the part where the protagonist eats the dragon's cancer.

Post grunge:
The protagonist drinks a beer and gets a blowjob from the princess, who happens to be promiscuous and is also sleeping with the dragon.

Country music (not metal):
The princess smashes the protagonist's pickup truck with a baseball bat and leaves him. The dragon, old shep, get run over by a car. Meanwhile, the protagonist's daughter is coming of age, and runs off with the heavy metal protagonist.


----------



## Infamous Impact (Jul 21, 2011)

bostjan said:


> Metallica:
> Napalm Death:
> Groawr!*
> 
> *CD liner notes say that the lyrics are about a dragon that suffered, but it didn't know why it suffered.


----------



## The Somberlain (Jul 21, 2011)

Crust: the protagonist shambles up to the dragon for he is drunk. He then proceeds to play a riff so dirty and knarly that the dragon is infected and dies. He then tries to fuck the princess, but she is not willing, so he moves onto rape. She gets an STD and dies.


----------



## Grand Moff Tim (Jul 21, 2011)

Djent: The protagonist isn't a knight, the dragon isn't a reptile, and the princess isn't royalty.


----------



## BrainArt (Jul 21, 2011)

-42- said:


> Fine.
> 
> INDUSTRIAL METAL: The protagonist arrives and starts complaining about how the new Morbid Angel album is ripping off Combichrist. The dragon agrees and they both leave to beat some sense back into Trey Azagthoth. The princess still thinks the pants are tacky.
> 
> Happy?



 One thing is, Combichrist aren't Industrial Metal and I don't know what Industrial Metal band wears baggy white pants?

Yeah, I'm getting personal up in this bitch. 



Grand Moff Tim said:


> Necrophagist Metal: The new protagonist hasn't shown up yet, and the princess is getting rather impatient.


----------



## -42- (Jul 21, 2011)

BrainArt said:


> One thing is, Combichrist aren't Industrial Metal and I don't know what Industrial Metal band wears baggy white pants?
> 
> Yeah, I'm getting personal up in this bitch.



Aggrotech is close enough, but as long as this discussion about subgenres is being perpetuated...

THE MELVINS: The protagonist(s) play a full set for the dragon and the princess, after which the two begin a heated debate over which genre the music they just listened to actually falls under. Meanwhile some deadbeat asks the protagonist(s) about Kurt Cobain. Tired of the same old bullshit the protagonist(s) promptly leave.


----------



## ArkaneDemon (Jul 21, 2011)

bostjan said:


> Napalm Death:
> Groawr!*
> 
> *CD liner notes say that the lyrics are about a dragon that suffered, but it didn't know why it suffered.



That was fucking golden


----------



## nostealbucket (Jul 21, 2011)

Djent: the protagonist arrives with 20 guitars and 5 Axe-Fx units. he plugs into the massive mackie speakers he has cleverly hidden in the djentmobile and plays a 14 minute long song, filled with guitar solos over groovy riffs, then proceeds to explain to the dragon what polyrythyms are and who meshuggah are. Fredrik Thordendal then appears on the back of a pale, bleeding (pun?), Emmure fan, whipping him with his Custom Ibanez 8 string of WONDER. The Djent protagonist then jizzes his pants in pure amazement, leaving the princess in a what teh fuhk moment, Fredrik Thordendal then plays Nebulous, killing the dragon in 10 seconds, then proceeds to play, killing the dragon a second time, and a third time, and yes... a 4th time. The Djent protagonist packs his mass of gear up, as Fredrik then reveals that he has the penis of a 7 foot tall black man named Jamall, then he and the Princess make possibly the greatest porno of all time. As the Djent protagonist is finished packing up all of his gear, he drives away in his honda.... Fredrik still fucks the princess to this very day.


----------



## chronocide (Jul 21, 2011)

I keep coming back to this thread with my fingers crossed for good jokes, alas...


----------



## -42- (Jul 21, 2011)

Because the djent one seems so popular.

DJENT: Protagonist arrives and says to the dragon, "Hey, wanna hear my new ambidjent solo project, Spheres of Reality*? Lemme just get on my Soundcli-" Upon which the dragon promptly roasts him.




*I apologize in advance if that's an actual band name


----------



## Prydogga (Jul 21, 2011)

Dillinger Escape Plan:
The protagonists set up their gear on the back of dragon, and run around wildly on it's head, slowly killing it with technical precision of both foot and guitar work. The princess claims it's not music and Greg rams a mic in her fat face.


----------



## Djent (Jul 21, 2011)

INDUSTRIAL METAL:
The protagonist arrives and makes the dragon bleed to death from all the random factory samples. He then fucks the princess "like an animal" and kills himself in the end.

Finally, an Industrial Metal one that *does not involve white baggy pants* (that's nu metal, player).


----------



## -42- (Jul 22, 2011)

onetimeoneplace said:


> Finally, an Industrial Metal one that *does not involve white baggy pants* (that's nu metal, player).



My fault, meant to say leather trench-coat.


----------



## GATA4 (Jul 22, 2011)

NILE:
The protagonist "Unas" and his sidekick "Quickfoot George" visit a temple to acquire historical information so that they can add 30 more pages of dense, esoteric Egyptian history to the lyrical booklet accompanying their latest CD release. Instead, they comes across a Dragon brutally torturing Princess Cleopatra (whom is trapped in the Burning Pits of the Duat) by making her listen to music with an ungodly slow tempo of 170 beats per minute. Without hesitation, Unas slices open the Dragon with the overbearingly-pointy headstock of his scalloped V-shaped instrument (after Quickfoot George transforms into an octopus and performs percussive acts on the ground at an obscenely high rate, thus paralyzing the dragon), mummifies the remains, and then interviews the Princess about the entire event before ultimately composing a song called "The Nubile Destruction of the Concomitant Beast Whose Name Rests In Evil After Compulsory Hieroglyphic Infatuation With Infested Urine and Hellish Spirits." The Dragon, subordinate to the omniscience and inevitability of karma, is ultimately reincarnated in the form of a human named Sam Totman, who is continually sodomized by a long-haired british asian tyrant. He is eventually outcasted from society and exiled to Mars to live only with Joseph Merrick, who nibbles his ear softly every night.


----------



## DavyH (Jul 22, 2011)

BrainArt said:


> One thing is, Combichrist aren't Industrial Metal


 
Honorary industrial metal?

I do like me some aggrotech


----------



## TheDjentlman (Jul 22, 2011)

the Black Metal one made me


----------



## Gamma362 (Jul 22, 2011)

Plug said:


> Same can also be applied for Wintersun Metal


also Anthrax Metal


----------



## Asrial (Jul 22, 2011)

pink freud said:


> Devin Townsend: He arrives after a two year hiatus and lulls the dragon into a sense of relaxation before releasing a pop of metal that turns the dragon into a cheeseburger. He then flies up to the castle and gives the princess a skullet*, then travels the universe with her alongside nyancat while being Ziltoid*.


Fixed. 

Animals as leaders:
The protagonist arrives at the castle, which then transforms into a rainbow colored Ditto (pokémon), on his flying narwhale. He then proceeds to partake in an LSD/'shrooms-induced journey to jupiter on the giant Billy Mays. After that, he obliterates the dragon in .1 seconds flat, claims the girl and gives her multiple orgasms with a loaf of bread.

Some modern -corebands:
The protagonist arrives at a blazing speed, but oddly enough commits so many breakdowns, even sometimes breakdowns INSIDE breakdowns, that he is stopped completely. The dragon then proceeds to squash on him and perform a 15-minute long progressive rapsong. While doing the crab. And battling the princess.


----------



## Dead Undead (Jul 22, 2011)

STONER METAL: The protagonist rides the dragon into the crimson eye, flapping its wings under a Mars red sky. (___((((_________()~~~


----------



## DrakkarTyrannis (Jul 22, 2011)

Djent: The protagonist shows up with his custom Ibanez 48" scale, fan fretted, 1239 string guitar with BKP pickups tuned to HIV+ played through an AXE FX II and orange and emperor cabs. He proceeds to play Djentdeathmathcore, confusing the dragon who just sits wondering if people take this guy seriously. As he plays, Death and Black metal guys both show up, whip his ass, steal his shit, kill the dragon, fuck and kill the princess, sells the gear to a SS.Org forumite, all before having to head to Seven Eleven to work because it's the only place that will hire long haired stoners of such a caliber...


----------



## Hemi-Powered Drone (Jul 22, 2011)

DrakkarTyrannis said:


> Djent: The protagonist shows up with his custom Ibanez *48" scale, fan fretted*, 1239 string guitar with BKP pickups tuned to HIV+ played through an AXE FX II and orange and emperor cabs. He proceeds to play Djentdeathmathcore, confusing the dragon who just sits wondering if people take this guy seriously. As he plays, Death and Black metal guys both show up, whip his ass, steal his shit, kill the dragon, fuck and kill the princess, sells the gear to a SS.Org forumite, all before having to head to Seven Eleven to work because it's the only place that will hire long haired stoners of such a caliber...



Fanned fret and yet one scale?


----------



## leandroab (Jul 22, 2011)

Crabcore: The dragon cannot withstand the barrage of 0 notes and V-necks, along with copious amounts of technobreakdowns. The dragon then bursts into flames and dies. The princess gets bored and leaves. The protagonist tries do chase her, but he cannot move as he can only run in place.


----------



## Blind Theory (Jul 22, 2011)

This is by far one of my favorite threads on here!


----------



## Lukifer (Jul 22, 2011)

Grand Moff Tim said:


> Southern Metal: The protagonist kills the dragon, Dean gives the dragon a signature model.


----------



## Demiurge (Jul 23, 2011)

dragonblade629 said:


> Fanned fret and yet one scale?



Each string is in an "alternate temperment." It's only a matter of time before it really happens.
---------------------

"MODERN" METAL PRODUCTION- Knight takes too long to get to the castle, but ProTools will fix it and make it seem like he's on time. Castle is too dark, ProTools will shine a light so the knight can find his way in and see the dragon perfectLY. Dragon is too large for the knight to have a chance, ProTools compresses the dungeon so the knight and dragon are the same size. Princess is woefully unattractive, ProTools will make her doable. Dragon kills the knight, but ProTools fixes it in post-production and makes it appear that the knight kill the dragon. Dragon-slaying fans praise the "heaviness" of the dragon-slay and openly lament how slayings in the past weren't done as well.


----------



## -42- (Jul 23, 2011)

DR. DRE: Protagonist enters castle with drawn Glock and his boys Snoop Dogg and Kurupt. He recognizes the dragon and they spend an hour toking. Snoop Dogg goes up to see the princess but there's his little cousin Daz and he's fuckin' his ho.


----------



## bhakan (Jul 24, 2011)

Sevenstring.org(I know its not a genre)- The protagonist hears of how the mighty Bulb slayed a dragon and fucked a princess, so he goes to the blacksmith to get the exact same armor Bulb used (but no sword, because Bulb used his bare knuckles). After waiting many moons for his armor to be completed, the protagonist finally goes to slay the dragon, but ultimately fails, because the armor does not give him dragon slaying skills.


----------



## Cabinet (Jul 24, 2011)

BILLY MAYS METAL:
THE PROTAGONIST ARRIVES AND SLAYS THE DRAGON BY SHOWING OFF THE MAD SKILLS OF THE BIG CITY SLIDER AND OFFERS TO SELL ONE FOR 2 EASY PAYMENTS OF 19.95. THE PROTAGONIST THEN MARCHES UP TO THE TOWER TO THE PRINCESS AND EXCLAIMS "FOR JUST ONE EASY PAYMENT OF 9.99 YOU CAN SUCK MY DICK FOR A MOUTHFUL OF SATISFACTION"


----------



## Deadnightshade (Jul 24, 2011)

GOTH METAL 1: The princess is a fatty that wears Paradise Lost tees that make her look like a burnt quarterpound.Nobody wants to rescue that.

GOTH METAL 2:The protagonist IS the princess

GOTH METAL 3:The protagonist , the dragon , and Carl McCoy party rock and roll style with the princess , fuck goth dude!

GOTH METAL 4:The protagonist gets killed by the dragon for believing that Epica are pure gothic metal

GOTH METAL 5:The dragon doesn't see the protagonist,cause he was using a black umbrella to avoid the sun.The protagonist reaches the princess,they feast on a glass of Bloody Mary,have sex with each other,but upon finishing the protagonist starts cutting his veins with his metallic fake claw because he still feels lonely and small penis.


----------



## DrakkarTyrannis (Jul 24, 2011)

bhakan said:


> Sevenstring.org(I know its not a genre)- The protagonist hears of how the mighty Bulb slayed a dragon and fucked a princess, so he goes to the blacksmith to get the exact same armor Bulb used (but no sword, because Bulb used his bare knuckles). After waiting many moons for his armor to be completed, the protagonist finally goes to slay the dragon, but ultimately fails, because the armor does not give him dragon slaying skills.



So true..so true


----------



## Antimatter (Jul 24, 2011)

Drone Doom: The Protagonist has a huge sword and armor that weighs tons, but since all of his equipment is so heavy it takes him hours to get to the castle and when he shows up the dragon kills him anyway, and the princess inexplicably contracts a serious case of tinnitus.


----------



## chronocide (Jul 24, 2011)

bhakan said:


> Sevenstring.org(I know its not a genre)- The protagonist hears of how the mighty Bulb slayed a dragon and fucked a princess, so he goes to the blacksmith to get the exact same armor Bulb used (but no sword, because Bulb used his bare knuckles). After waiting many moons for his armor to be completed, the protagonist finally goes to slay the dragon, but ultimately fails, because the armor does not give him dragon slaying skills.



The first funny one arrived!


----------



## Korngod (Jul 24, 2011)

Slayer:
The protagonists Jeff Hanneman and Kerry King show up and proceeds to play their signature thrash metal tunes. Kerry King nails everyone of his solos perfectly but they are still so sloppy and boring that the dragon is not amused. Finally, the Angel of Death descends South of Heaven and it starts Raining Blood. Jeff Hanneman proclaims that the dragon shall Die By The Sword in the War Zone, killing the dragon with which he creates a Dead Skin Mask. The two proceed to rape and kill the princess because they are Criminally Insane. After which they fuck her dead body again because they are both a Necrophiliac.


----------



## DrakkarTyrannis (Jul 24, 2011)

Korngod said:


> Slayer:
> The protagonists, Slayer, show up to kill the dragon. With the same sloppy hackmeat act they've been doing but somehow getting progressively worse at for over 20 years, they attempt to slay the Dragon, who is too busy listening to actually relevant metal bands to even notice the old fools making all that strangled cat racket near him. The Princess, unable to sleep because of all the noise, calls the old folks home who come to collect their long lost patients just in time for medicine, stale pudding, old Golden Girls episodes, and then bed at 8:30 sharp.



Fixed


----------



## BucketheadRules (Jul 24, 2011)

Pantera: The protagonist is a 6 foot 7 skinhead with full sleeve tattoos and a Dimebag copycat beard, wearing baggy shorts and a sleeveless Pantera T-shirt. Just so you know what we're dealing with here...

He beats the shit out of the dragon for daring to suggest that Power Metal isn't a very good album. The dragon then mentions how Dean have whored Dimebag's legacy and the protagonist beats the shit out of him again, leaving the dragon in a coma. The protagonist tries to have his way with the princess but she runs away in search of the death metal protagonist, because although he's seventeen years unwashed he does at least look slightly less terrifying.


----------



## fwd0120 (Jul 24, 2011)

epic thread is epic.


----------



## hereticemir (Jul 25, 2011)

Cannibal corpse Metal: Protagonist show up strangles and rapes the dragon, Kills the princess


----------



## mithologian (Jul 25, 2011)

Between the buried and me: The protagonist arrives and begins fighting the dragon in a specific manner. The protagonists then transitions from one method to another, each method being completely different than the previous. The dragon, confused by the changing tachniques becomes distracted and f is defeated. 

The protagonost then proceeds to have intercourse with the princess in the same fashion, switching to different possitions in flawless transitions. After an hour long of orgasmic intercourse, the fair princess asks the protagonists what she just experience. The protagonist simply replies "COlors"


----------

