# Anti-Jokes



## Encephalon5 (Feb 25, 2011)

can we get an anti joke thread going? Basically jokes that are in really poor taste. I think we here at sevenstring are mature enough do this.. I'll start.

A horse walks into a bar. the bartender says "why the long face?"


The horse says "I have lukemia"


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## josh pelican (Feb 25, 2011)

I was about to post one I made up, but then I realized how many of us have lost someone close to us. 2011 has been a shitty year as it is.

Instead, I give you...

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"Miguel."
"Miguel who?"
"How many other Miguels do you know? Just open the door."

Okay, so a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in a plane that is going to crash. The captain comes back with two parachutes and yells, "Only of you gets to li-...". The plane explodes in the air. No one survives

A Mexican comes across a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out. He says, "I will grant you three wishes." The Mexican is so overjoyed and in a rush he says, "I wish for a potato!" The genie grants him his wish and the Mexican finds himself holding a potato. "What is your next wish?" The Mexican replies, "I wish for you to go away so I can enjoy this potato!"


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## Encephalon5 (Feb 25, 2011)

So a Hispanic, African-American, Jewish, and Asian man were walking down the street. 

They were involved in a parade that celebrated racial equality.


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## josh pelican (Feb 25, 2011)

A priest and a rabbi go to a strip club. Members of their congregation see them entering the club, and they lose respect and eventally their jobs.


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## Encephalon5 (Feb 25, 2011)

What would George Washington do if he were alive today? 

Scream and scratch at the top of his coffin.


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## leandroab (Feb 25, 2011)

josh pelican said:


> A preist and a rabbi go to a strip club. Members of their congregation see them entering the club, and they lose respect and eventally their jobs.





josh pelican said:


> Okay, so a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are in a plane that is going to crash. The captain comes back with two parachutes and yells, "Only of you gets to li-...". The plane explodes in the air. No one survives




I can't stop laughing...


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## josh pelican (Feb 25, 2011)

A dog walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender realizes how silly this is and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over and tells his wife about it, who ignores him. He begins to silently cry, knowing that his marriage is falling into shambles.


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## Encephalon5 (Feb 25, 2011)

A Christian and an Atheist are in a bar, the christian says "if you don't believe in god you will go to hell." the atheist replies "if there was a benevolent supreme being, logic dictates that there would be proof of his existence other than a 2,000 year old book." they agree to set aside their petty differences and get on with their lives.


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## josh pelican (Feb 25, 2011)

A duck walks into the pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, &#8220;I need some ointment for my beak. It is very chapped.&#8221; The pharmacist says, &#8220;We have nothing for ducks here.


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## Josh_Conlee (Feb 25, 2011)

What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?
They were my friends


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## MFB (Feb 25, 2011)

Twenty cougars walk into a bar, no one walks out and everyone is devastated at the casualties.


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## Daemoniac (Feb 25, 2011)

You want to hear a funny story about my divorce?

Me too.


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## Encephalon5 (Feb 25, 2011)

how do you make a plumber cry 

you kill his family


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## leandroab (Feb 25, 2011)

Four friends are having drinks at a local bar. The first one asks: "Why is th-" when a van drives by and explodes killing all of them.


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## Josh_Conlee (Feb 25, 2011)

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community


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## Encephalon5 (Feb 25, 2011)

Why is Scientology the Fastest Growing Religion of 21st Century? 

It isn't, its a cult.


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## josh pelican (Feb 25, 2011)

A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.


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## Josh_Conlee (Feb 25, 2011)

Roses are red
Violets are Blue
I'll fuck you with a rake.



If that's taking it too far, I sincirely apologize, but I've seen racier shit here


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## Encephalon5 (Feb 25, 2011)

roses are red
violets are blue
i have a gun
get in the van


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## josh pelican (Feb 25, 2011)

"Knock knock."
"Who's there?"
"The police. I'm afraid we have some bad news..."

Two cows are in a field. Suddenly, from behind a bush, a rabbit leaps out and runs away. One cow looks around a bit, eats some grass, and then wanders off.


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## Josh_Conlee (Feb 25, 2011)

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Some poems rhyme
But this one doesn't


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## josh pelican (Feb 25, 2011)

Why are there no aspirin in the jungle?

Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest.


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## Josh_Conlee (Feb 25, 2011)

What do you call a black pilot?

A pilot, you racist......


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## Daemoniac (Feb 25, 2011)

djent_tent said:


> Roses are red
> Violets are Blue
> I'll fuck you with a rake.
> 
> ...



I've heard that one before, it's fucking awesome


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## josh pelican (Feb 25, 2011)

What do you call a guy who has sex with children?

A child molester.


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## -42- (Feb 25, 2011)

A man wanted to impress his son on Christmas Eve so he decided to climb down the chimney dressed as Santa. While he was climbing down the chimney his wife mistook the noise for a burgler and frantically stabbed him to death as he struggled out of the chimney. Their six year old son was watching from a distance, scarred for life he turned to drinks and drugs at age eleven and later died from alcohol poisoning at age nineteen.


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## Josh_Conlee (Feb 25, 2011)

Why does Michael J Fox make the best milkshakes?
Because he uses only the finest ingredients, and real ice cream.


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## josh pelican (Feb 25, 2011)

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

A Jew is a person of religious faith whereas a pizza is a semi high protein food with lots of fat.


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## Josh_Conlee (Feb 25, 2011)

josh pelican said:


> What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
> 
> A Jew is a person of religious faith whereas a pizza is a semi high protein food with lots of fat.


 

lulz were had at this one....


well here's mine

What's worse than a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.


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## josh pelican (Feb 25, 2011)

What do you get when you mix a handful of chocolate chips and a muffin?

A chocolate chip muffin.


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## Josh_Conlee (Feb 25, 2011)

"So an irishman walks out of a bar....."


"What's green and has wheels......Grass...I lied about the wheels"


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## josh pelican (Feb 25, 2011)

Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?

It wasn't on purpose. Through the course of natural friction, his keys wore through the innards of the pockets. Being bald, on top of this, is inconsequential.


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## MikeH (Feb 25, 2011)

What's the best way to get a black man off your property?
Ask him to kindly leave, and if he refuses, tell him you will call the police if need be.

What's the difference between a pizza delivery guy and a bassist?
A pizza delivery guy brings you food and a bassist plays an instrument.


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## Grand Moff Tim (Feb 25, 2011)

How many jews can you fit in a VW bug?



Five, but it'd be pretty snug. Best to stick with four.


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## josh pelican (Feb 25, 2011)

A boy was lying awake at night because he heard something outside...

It was the crickets chirping.


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## josh pelican (Feb 25, 2011)

Why did the bald man cut holes in his pockets?

It wasn't on purpose. Through the course of natural friction, his keys wore through the innards of the pockets. Being bald, on top of this, is inconsequential.


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## Grand Moff Tim (Feb 25, 2011)

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Orange.

Fuck you.


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## Grand Moff Tim (Feb 25, 2011)

What's black and white and red all over?

The New Jersey Devils' home jersey.


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## Grand Moff Tim (Feb 25, 2011)

How many blondes does it take to change a light bulb?




One.


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## Josh_Conlee (Feb 25, 2011)

Two muffins are in an oven....one says "damn it's hot in here"....the other one says "holy shit, a talking muffin"

/thread


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## lobee (Feb 25, 2011)

These are all great jokes, but they don't work in person in front of all my smart-ass friends who always guess the obvious answer to the anti-jokes, ruining the non-joke jokes.


Just kidding. All my friends are dead.


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## The Beard (Feb 25, 2011)

A man with an orange as a head walks into a bar, he is dressed very formally and is surrounded by a large group of women. He walks up to the bartender and says "I would like your finest and most expensive drink." The bartender says "Okay well our most expensive drink costs 329 dollars sir." The man buys the drink without hesitation and as the night goes on, he is buying drinks for everyone and he is surrounded by more and more beautiful women.
Although, the bartender couldn't help but notice that the man looks extremely depressed. He walks up to him and asks, "Why are you so depressed? You should be having a great night being surrounded by all these people!"
The man with the orange as a head looks at the bartender and says, "Well earlier today a genie said I could have any three wishes that I wanted."
The bartender says, "Go on."
The orange headed man says, "For my first wish, I wished that every time I reached into my pocket, I would pull out a 100 dollar bill."
The bartender replies, "I don't see how that could possibly depress you, but please, go on."
The man with an orange as a head continues. "My second wish was that every time a beautiful woman laid eyes on me, she would instantly fall in love with me."
"I don't see how that could depress you either, but go on." Says the bartender
The orange man says, "Now my last wish was where I really screwed up. For my last wish I wished my head was an orange."


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## leandroab (Feb 26, 2011)

What's the difference between a NY Stake and a Jew?

You can't eat a Jew. Only if you are Hannibal Lector.


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## Hollowway (Feb 26, 2011)

josh pelican said:


> A duck walks into the pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, I need some ointment for my beak. It is very chapped. The pharmacist says, We have nothing for ducks here.



 That is the funniest thing I've seen in ages! A couple of people just asked what was so funny and I read it, and they just stared. Your posts in here had me rolling!


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## Sofos (Feb 26, 2011)

What do you call a man who jumps off of the Empire State Building on a Sunday?

Dead.


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## Necris (Feb 26, 2011)

A blind man walked into a bar. 
He needed stitches.


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## Origin (Feb 26, 2011)

A man walks into a bar.





His drinking is destroying his family.


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## White Cluster (Feb 26, 2011)

Spent 5 minutes reading this thread.
Thanks for wasting my time


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## Cyanide Assassin (Feb 26, 2011)

okay okay enough with the holocaust jokes. my grandfather died in a concentration camp.

he fell out of the guard tower.


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## Encephalon5 (Feb 26, 2011)

You know what. Holocaust jokes are getting old. Anne Frank-ley, they aren't even funny.


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## -42- (Feb 26, 2011)

You will eventually die after achieving nothing.


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## Philligan (Feb 26, 2011)

What's the best thing about twenty five year olds?



They're over the age of consent, but not yet thirty.


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## Encephalon5 (Feb 26, 2011)

Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge? 

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.


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## Josh_Conlee (Feb 26, 2011)

Yo mama's so fat that she probably should be concerned about her increased risk of cardiovascular disease and hypertension


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## Varcolac (Feb 26, 2011)

Three Muslims walk into a bar.

They are ostracised from their community for _haraam_ behaviour. Their fathers never talk to them again.


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## TimSE (Feb 26, 2011)

this thread is win


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## 13point9 (Feb 26, 2011)

What did little Jimmy in the wheelchair get for christmas?


a train set











It was actually rape


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## Alberto7 (Feb 26, 2011)

Pete and Brian tribute:

A priest, a rabbi, and shaman walk into a bar. Except there's no rabbi and no shaman, and it's actually my 8th birthday and the priest is molesting me... And the priest is my dad and he's not a priest... My dad molested me... A lot...


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## MaKo´s Tethan (Feb 26, 2011)

cyanide540 said:


> okay okay enough with the holocaust jokes. my grandfather died in a concentration camp.
> 
> he fell out of the guard tower.




good one.


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## conortheshreder (Feb 26, 2011)

Why did the five year old leprosy survivor fall out of the tree? She had no arms, they had to be amputated.


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## conortheshreder (Feb 26, 2011)

Your friend is so gay, he has consensual sex with other men. and enjoys it.

also:Yo momma so fat she went on the Subway diet and is now exercising regularly to lose weight


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## TimSE (Feb 26, 2011)

Whats red and smells like blue paint


Red paint


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## vampiregenocide (Feb 26, 2011)

Three men walk into a bar. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole plot unfolds with a tedious inevitability.


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## conortheshreder (Feb 26, 2011)

So this guy walks into the doctor's and says "Doctor, it hurts when I poke my leg like this." The doctor says "Yes, you've shattered both your kneecaps. You'll never walk again."

A man walks into a bar. Except it was a metal bar, like a pole. So he got hurt


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## Varcolac (Feb 26, 2011)

vampiregenocide said:


> Three men walk into a bar. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole plot unfolds with a tedious inevitability.



Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

Three blokes go into a pub. Something happens. The outcome was hilarious!


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## JeffFromMtl (Feb 26, 2011)

So there's two guys sitting at a bar. One nods to the other to get his attention. Putting a handful of peanuts into his mouth, he says, "hey man, I bet you $500 that I could fuck any girl in here. Just pick one. Any one of them". To which, the other man laughs, "sure man, you're on. But just tell me, how the hell do you plan to do that?" With a grin and a wink, he replies, "I'm a rapist."


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## Alberto7 (Feb 26, 2011)

What do you call an armless and legless leper in a pool?

An aspirin.

(I realize it's a strong joke. If anybody's offended, I'll gladly remove it).


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## Alberto7 (Feb 26, 2011)

How do you turn yellow into red?

Grab two chicks, put in blender, hit "ON" button.


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## Scar Symmetry (Feb 26, 2011)

josh pelican said:


> A duck walks into the pharmacy. He says to the pharmacist, I need some ointment for my beak. It is very chapped. The pharmacist says, We have nothing for ducks here.



  



Philligan said:


> What's the best thing about twenty five year olds?
> 
> 
> 
> They're over the age of consent, but not yet thirty.





An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were on a plane. They reached their destination safely, and shared a beer in the lounge when they arrived at the airport.


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## Varcolac (Feb 26, 2011)

What do you do if you come across an elephant?

Kill it for its ivory, breaking laws in dozens of countries and hastening the extinction of a species that forms close family units and grieves for its dead. You monster.


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## Scar Symmetry (Feb 26, 2011)

What's red and bounces?

A red football.


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## vampiregenocide (Feb 26, 2011)

'Knock knock'

'Who's there?'

'Door salesma- oh you've already got one.'


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## fretninjadave (Feb 26, 2011)

What do you call a black dude who flys an airplane?











a pilot ya douche...


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## Varcolac (Feb 26, 2011)

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Good morning madam, I'm here on behalf of St John's Ambulance. We're visiting people in your area to spread awareness of the good work we're doing in the community, and to see how you can support this charity's vital contribution to society.



How can you tell it's a drummer at the door?

You have an intercom.



What do you call a black man on the moon?

A triumph of the American Dream, proving that in the United States if you try hard enough and get a good education, anything is possible.

What do you call all the black men on the moon?

A shockingly dystopian racial segregation of society.


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## Encephalon5 (Feb 26, 2011)

What's brown and sticky?



A stick


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## BucketheadRules (Feb 26, 2011)

What's green and invisible?





















That cabbage.


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## vampiregenocide (Feb 26, 2011)

Whats big white and stuck in a tree?




Snow.


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## MikeH (Feb 26, 2011)

What do you call 100 dead babies in a field?
Infanticide.


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## aslsmm (Feb 26, 2011)

whats funnier than a dead baby?


a dead baby in a clown costume.


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## aslsmm (Feb 26, 2011)

Alberto7 said:


> Pete and Brian tribute:
> 
> A priest, a rabbi, and shaman walk into a bar. Except there's no rabbi and no shaman, and it's actually my 8th birthday and the priest is molesting me... And the priest is my dad and he's not a priest... My dad molested me... A lot...


 



bada bing!


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## Grand Moff Tim (Feb 26, 2011)

Courtesy of my four-year-old nephew:


What has three legs, but isn't spaghetti?


A spider.


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## groph (Feb 26, 2011)

A man walks in on his wife cheating on him with his best friend. This devastates the man, as he can no longer trust two of the closest people in his life.


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## vampiregenocide (Feb 26, 2011)

Why was six afraid of seven? 

It wasn't. Numbers are non-sentient and therefore incapable of fear.




A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave as they see the potential danger of the situation.




'Knock knock.'

'Who's there?'

'Dave.'

'Dave who?'

Dave breaks into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.


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## Alberto7 (Feb 26, 2011)

aslsmm said:


> bada bing!




Exactly the one I was referring to!  That and the 20-questions video just kill me


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## aslsmm (Feb 26, 2011)

yeah,, "my grandma is dead?" 

"do you want me to answer that cause it will count as a question."


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## Alberto7 (Feb 26, 2011)

What's the difference between a woman and a broom?




































I don't know, I was expecting you to answer my question.


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## vampiregenocide (Feb 26, 2011)

*Why is six afraid of seven? 

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness. 

Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.*


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## josh pelican (Feb 26, 2011)

Did you hear about the black guy that went to college?

He studied Law at the University of Miami, opened his own firm, and became very successful.


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## josh pelican (Feb 26, 2011)

How many Romanian janitors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

While Romanian janitors are usually competent to change light bulbs without assistance, we must keep in mind that the act of changing the bulb is but one of many activities involving a multitude of people to produce the light bulb and deliver it to the end user. The suppliers of raw materials, the fabricators, and the third party logistics providers all along the line were indispensable in getting that light bulb in the hands of that Romanian janitor.


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## vampiregenocide (Feb 26, 2011)

Knock knock.

Who's there?

No answer. Albert returns to reading his newspaper. His lonely mind is playing tricks on him again. He continues his life of crippling loneliness before dying of a drug overdose aged 30.


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## GATA4 (Feb 26, 2011)

Why did the chicken cross the road?

The chicken had been neglected, beaten, and raped by its owner for days and was in terrible need of grains and water, the likes of which it saw on the other side of the road (where there happened to be a neighboring coup that treated its chickens much more humanely). It was so desperate that it finally gave into the irrational idea of endangering its own life to acquire basic sustenance, knowing that it would most likely be tracked down by its owner and killed the next day for leaving its premises (if it hadn't already been crushed and mutilated by oncoming traffic, much less impaled on the barbed-wire fences while trying to escape the coup).


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## josh pelican (Feb 26, 2011)

What do you call a hundred female physical anthropologists at the bottom of a river?

A mystery, a tragedy, and probably foul play.


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## josh pelican (Feb 26, 2011)

What's the difference between a plumber and a Gynecologist?

A Gynecologist studies the health of the female reproductive system and a plumber is a specialized tradesman who installs and maintains systems used for sewage, drainage, and portable water.


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## Encephalon5 (Feb 26, 2011)

A muslim gets on a transatlantic commercial airliner. 

All the other passengers are privately nervous, but nobody mentions it.


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## josh pelican (Feb 26, 2011)

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?

Nothing. Those two species are so genetically dissimilar that it is not possible to breed a hybrid.


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## josh pelican (Feb 26, 2011)

A man has been waiting anxiously while his wife was undergoing complicated surgery. The surgeon comes into the waiting room and announces that he has good news and bad news. The bad news is that a second tumor was found during the operation. &#8220;What&#8217;s the good news?&#8221; asked the husband. The surgeon replied, &#8220;We were able to remove the second tumor completely and believe that your wife will have a full recovery.&#8221;


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## Alberto7 (Feb 26, 2011)

"Knock knock!"

"Sir, or Madam, truly your forgiveness I implore;
But the fact is I was napping, and so gently you came rapping,
And so faintly you came tapping, tapping at my chamber door,
That I scarce was sure I heard you."

*Opens the door and finds no one*

"Knock knock!"

"Surely that is something at my window lattice;
Let me see then, what thereat is, and this mystery explore -
Let my heart be still a moment and this mystery explore; -
'Tis the wind and nothing more!"

*Crow comes flying in* - "Nevermore!"


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## josh pelican (Feb 26, 2011)

Johnny enters a bar and asks, "Do you know what time it is?"
Barkeeper: Yes.
Johnny: So do I.

Alternate ending:
Barkeeper: It's quarter to eleven.
Johnny: Thank you.


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## josh pelican (Feb 26, 2011)

A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.


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## leandroab (Feb 26, 2011)

Knock Knock



Who is there???






Ass


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## josh pelican (Feb 26, 2011)

So, there was an Irishman, an Englishman and an American stuck on an island. One day they found a bottle and when they opened it a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. Even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.


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## Encephalon5 (Feb 26, 2011)

What does Michelle Obama do when she's horny?

She fucks the president.


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## josh pelican (Feb 26, 2011)

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?


Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder case in a remote field.


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## josh pelican (Feb 26, 2011)

A man walks into a bar.

He drinks 6 Newcastles, 4 shots of Jack Daniels, hits on the waitress unsuccessfully, takes his wedding ring off, tries again and fails, drinks 3 more shots, drives home, beats his daughter for coming home late, and cries himself to sleep realizing that he hates his life.


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## vampiregenocide (Feb 26, 2011)

Whats black, white and red all over?


A tuxedo with red paint on it.


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## BucketheadRules (Feb 26, 2011)

A man walks into a bar.

He has gone in there to use a phone to call the hospital.

He has crashed his car and feels it may be a good idea to be checked up at the hospital to make sure no unfortunate spinal and/or head injuries may have been caused.


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## vampiregenocide (Feb 26, 2011)

Let's be a bit more adventurous guys rather than just saying 'man walks into bar, has unfortunate accident/life'.


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## groph (Feb 26, 2011)

A sevenstring.org member walks into a Guitar Centre and picks up an Ibanez RGA Prestige. He asks a nearby clerk if the guitar can djent. The clerk responds saying "Of course it can djent. Djent is an onomatopoeia which describes the sound of palm muting while using a very tight, high gain amp setting. Any guitar can djent."


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## Prydogga (Feb 26, 2011)

A man reads a thread about anti-jokes, he then googles the term and copy+pastes the best unused jokes he can find. Long story short: foreveralone.jpeg


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## Encephalon5 (Feb 26, 2011)

An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk.
The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.

Edit. Prydogga is sort of right. It's time we start blazing new trails!


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## Prydogga (Feb 26, 2011)

Also:

What do you call a kid with no arms and no legs sitting on a doorstep?

Whatever his name happens to be.


How do you make a plumber cry?

Kill his whole family.


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## GuitaristOfHell (Feb 26, 2011)

Where would Martin Luther king be if he were white???
ALIVE 
Edit: A Vampire walks into a bar and asks for a cup of hot water. The bartender says "I thought you guys only drank blood?" The vampire takes out a used tampon and says "Look I'm making Tea!"


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## Alberto7 (Feb 26, 2011)

Just to spice this up a bit with something different than "Did something which could've had potentially dangerous and/or funny outcomes but instead everything turns out normally interestingly", how about some truly tasteless ones? 

Also, how do I censor stuff here? As in putting the green cover on the words I want to censor... I have some pretty harsh jokes that I'd like to censor a little bit


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## vampiregenocide (Feb 26, 2011)

You write [ SPOILER ] *text here* [/ SPOILER] but without spaces.


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## 13point9 (Feb 26, 2011)

What's the worst thing about being a black jew?



Spoiler



You have to stand at the back of the oven...



How many jews can you fit into a VW Beatle?



Spoiler



54, 2 in the front 2 in the back, 50 in the ashtray



I DON'T CONDONE THIS!!!! They're truly horrible jokes


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## Prydogga (Feb 26, 2011)

Edit: Nevermind, missed an above post.


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## Alberto7 (Feb 26, 2011)

They're just literally tasteless jokes . If you didn't like the idea, then let's not do it  but I really wanted to tell this one:

What's round, red, and dissolves in your mouth?



Spoiler



A leper's clitoris.



Now let's switch back, then :lol. Here's an alternative ending:

A lollipop.


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## vampiregenocide (Feb 26, 2011)

These are supposed to be anti-jokes you know.  Anti-climatic and awkward like, whereas some of these particularly the dark ones are genuinely funny.


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## Grand Moff Tim (Feb 26, 2011)

How do you save a clown from choking to death?




Well?



Time is of the essence here, people.


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## flo (Feb 26, 2011)

What do you call an elephant in antarctica?

Really lost.


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## Sofos (Feb 26, 2011)

How do you make a dead baby float?

You don't need to. Since it is dead, the build up of gases in the babies body causes it to be buoyant, and thus float on the water.


----------



## GuitaristOfHell (Feb 26, 2011)

What's red and bubbly and scratches at the door before it explodes?


A baby In the microwave


----------



## Josh_Conlee (Feb 26, 2011)

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

It wasn't....numbers are not beings capable of rational thought or emotion...


----------



## Josh_Conlee (Feb 26, 2011)

GuitaristOfHell said:


> What's red and bubbly and scratches at the door before it explodes?
> 
> 
> A baby In the microwave


 



What's worse than 100 babies tied to a tree?





1 baby tied to 100 trees


----------



## Encephalon5 (Feb 27, 2011)

A mole walks up to a donkey and says "I really dig your ass."

A woman asks her husband "does this dress make my butt look big?" the husband says "what the hell does your dress have to do with the donkey?"


----------



## Soubi7string (Feb 27, 2011)

Homeless man was walking the train tracks with another homeless man,
this is their tale:
Hobo 1:
I'm the luckiest man in the world
Hobo 2:
Why?
Hobo 1:
on these very tracks I found me enough money to be drunk for 3 days straight!
Hobo 2:
nice but on these very tracks I found a woman!
Hobo 1:
did she reward you?!
Hobo 2:
Indeed, I took her off to the side and made sweet love to her for over a week and then I left her.
Hobo 1:
did you get a BJ?
Hobo 2:
Nope, couldn't find her head.


----------



## Wingchunwarrior (Feb 27, 2011)

"knock knock"

"who's ther.."

The whole door is knocked down crushing the resident whilst the burglars steal all his possessions and then proceed to rape his wife and young children.



......and on that bombshell,

thousands of Hiroshima islanders were brutally killed as the island is scarred with horrid memories from WW2 for life


----------



## Daemoniac (Feb 27, 2011)

Philligan said:


> What's the best thing about twenty five year olds?
> 
> 
> 
> They're over the age of consent, but not yet thirty.



What's the best thing about twenty five year olds?

There's twenty of them.


----------



## Daemoniac (Feb 27, 2011)

What do you call a lonely, paranoid man with cancer, no family, house or loved ones who is steadily getting less healthy by the day?

Fucked.


----------



## Prydogga (Feb 27, 2011)

^ His is the anti


----------



## Daemoniac (Feb 27, 2011)

How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

Who the fuck cares.


----------



## liamh (Feb 27, 2011)

thread is so fucking win, wish I could think of a good one


----------



## GuitaristOfHell (Feb 27, 2011)

djent_tent said:


> What's worse than 100 babies tied to a tree?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 hahahahahah I like that one. What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead black guy in the road?











Answer: There's swerve marks around the dog .

I'm horrible.

Here's one of my better jokes.

So there's this guy and he loves running over black people. But a priest gets in the car. The guy thinks "Oh man I really wanna hit this guy, but I can't do that in the eyes of God. Maybe If I swerve it will look like an accident." BOOOM! Did I get him he asks? The priest replies with " No, but I took that bastard out with the door" 

NOTE: I am not racist some of my friends are black.


----------



## BucketheadRules (Feb 27, 2011)

GuitaristOfHell said:


> So there's this guy and he loves running over black people. But a priest gets in the car. The guy thinks "Oh man I really wanna hit this guy, but I can't do that in the eyes of God. Maybe If I swerve it will look like an accident." BOOOM! Did I get him he asks? The priest replies with " No, but I took that bastard out with the door"


----------



## vampiregenocide (Feb 27, 2011)

'Doctor Doctor I feel like a- wait who the hell are you?'

'My name is Doctor Gregory House, you have cancer. Hmm, that didn't come out as I planned. I normally let Wilson deal with this sort of thing."


----------



## BucketheadRules (Feb 27, 2011)

What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?

Being raped.


----------



## josh pelican (Feb 27, 2011)

Wow, some of you are doing it completely wrong. Racist jokes and dead baby jokes are not anti-jokes. Try reading the first four pages to get the idea. I won't be surprised if this gets closed because of this.

BucketHeadRules, I already posted that one.


----------



## BucketheadRules (Feb 27, 2011)

josh pelican said:


> BucketHeadRules, I already posted that one.



Oh.


----------



## BucketheadRules (Feb 27, 2011)

An elephant attempts to walk into a bar.

However, the door is too small and the elephant is therefore unable to enter the building.


----------



## vampiregenocide (Feb 27, 2011)

josh pelican said:


> Wow, some of you are doing it completely wrong. Racist jokes and dead baby jokes are not anti-jokes. Try reading the first four pages to get the idea. I won't be surprised if this gets closed because of this.


 
This, thats dark humour. Anti-jokes are supposed to have a predictable punchline, but is either anti-climatic/not funny or the complete opposite of what you'd expect.


----------



## Encephalon5 (Feb 27, 2011)

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

Get in the car.


----------



## BucketheadRules (Feb 27, 2011)

Why did the boy drop his ice cream?

Because he was hit by a bus.


----------



## Josh_Conlee (Feb 27, 2011)

GuitaristOfHell said:


> hahahahahah I like that one. What's the difference between a dead dog and a dead black guy in the road?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


 

haha that had me on the floor....maybe we should get back to the anti jokes though, we both got negative rep for the dead baby jokes


----------



## GuitaristOfHell (Feb 27, 2011)

djent_tent said:


> haha that had me on the floor....maybe we should get back to the anti jokes though, we both got negative rep for the dead baby jokes


True.

Hmmm. .
Here's a good joke.

Put these two words together and what does it spell? The IRS




THEIRS! Coincidence? I think not.

EDIT: Another. A Guy walks into a store. He sees three brains on display. One is a Libertarian Brain, priced at $250. The second is a Democrat Brain, priced at $275. The third is a Republican Brain, priced at $5,000,000. The Guy asks the sales clerk,"Man, why does the Republican brain cost so much more than the other two?" Clerk replies,"Well, sir, that brain has never been used.


----------



## Cheesebuiscut (Feb 27, 2011)

You really don't get what an anti-joke is supposed to be huh.


----------



## -42- (Feb 27, 2011)

You have lupus.


----------



## Varcolac (Feb 27, 2011)

Knock knock.

Who's there?

NYPD. Open the door. SLOWLY. Step back. We have a warrant to search this property. Keep your hands where we can see them.


----------



## Alberto7 (Feb 27, 2011)

Sorry for derailing here, boys... Didn't realize it could get this out of hand.

Now to properly contribute:

If Chuck Norris has $5 and you have $5, then you have the same amount of money.


----------



## GATA4 (Feb 27, 2011)

What does Chuck Norris do before he sleeps every night?

The subject of Chuck Norris's personal life is highly misrepresented by the public; and accordingly, although it is most likely a typically mundane activity such as brushing his teeth, nobody actually knows except for Chuck Norris himself and those whom are very close to him.


----------



## The Beard (Feb 27, 2011)

An irishman walks out of a bar.


----------



## Encephalon5 (Feb 27, 2011)

two cats are sitting on a ledge. one cat looks at the other and says "meow"


----------



## 13point9 (Feb 27, 2011)

josh pelican said:


> Wow, some of you are doing it completely wrong. Racist jokes and dead baby jokes are not anti-jokes. Try reading the first four pages to get the idea. I won't be surprised if this gets closed because of this.
> 
> BucketHeadRules, I already posted that one.



if you read a previous post I believe the OP asked for some bad taste jokes as well as the anti jokes, hence why the dark humour jokes appeared as well as the anti jokes...

EDIT:- it was Alberto7 that asked...

what do you get if you blend a kangaroo with an ostrich?



Red goo


----------



## pink freud (Feb 27, 2011)

The ultimate anti-joke:

Once upon a time, there was a young boy, and this young boy was having
his 10th birthday. His father thinking that it was an important day for
his young lad, said to him, 'You can have anything that you want for
your birthday'.
The boy thought and thought. Finally, he said to his pop, "Dad, I want a
green golf ball." The man was surprised a bit, but decided to humour his son.
And so, the boy recieved 1 green golf ball for his 10th birthday.

On this boy's 13th birthday, when he hit his teens, the father once again
walked up to the boy, and told him what he had before. The boy thought. And
thought. Finally, he said, "Dad, I want 10 green golf balls." Now, the father
was slightly curious about this, and he almost asked his son why. But then he
decided that it was just youthfulness, and left it at that.

Upon graduating from High School, the boy was once again given that same
offer by his father. He thought and thought and thought. Finally, he went up
to his old man and said, "Dad, I want 100 green golf balls." Now, the father
was very curious about this, and asked his son, finally, why he wanted the
balls. The boy just said, "Dad! It's a secret!" The father backed down, and got
the boy his balls.

When the boy graduated from college, his father once again offered him anything
he wanted. Once again, the boy thought. Once again, the boy walked up to his
father. He said, "Dad, I want 1000 green golf balls." The father decided that
the boy knew how to live his life. But still he asked, "Why, son? Why do you
want these green golf balls?" And once again, the boy said,"It's a secret,
Dad!"

And then came the war. And the boy volunteered himself for his country. And
when he came back in one piece, his father said, "Son, I will get you anything
that you want!" And the boy thought. And thought. And he said, "Dad, I want
10,000 green golfballs." And the father could not hold back his question any
longer. "Why? Why, son? Why do you need these green golf balls?" And the son
looked at thim, and he said,"Dad, now, I told you that it was a secret. Please
don't make me tell you." And the father backed off.

The boy got married. His father walked up to him, and offered him anything he
would want on this joyous occasion. The boy thought and thought and thought.
And thought. And, finally, he said,"Dad... I want 100,000 green golf balls..."
And the father, keeping calm, asked why. Why the boy wanted so many green golf
balls. And all the boy could do was look at his father, and say,"It's a
secret." And the father kept silent.

Then, tragedy struck. There was a car accident. The boy was mortally injured.
And the father went to see the son in his final hour. And he asked his son if
there was anything he could get him. And the son whispered,"Father... Please
get me 1,000,000 green golf balls..." And the father almost wept. He said,"Son,
please tell me why you want these green golf balls..." And the son looked at
his father, and he said, "Alright, dad..."






And then he died.


----------



## Antimatter (Feb 28, 2011)

There was once a young man who was down on his luck. He was only in his early twenties, and already struck with horrible debt and other financial issues. He had to work two separate jobs, and as such was always tired, and so busy that he lost quite a few friends and a relationship because he never had any time for them. He was walking down the street when he saw a large, shaggy dog, probably a Saint Bernard or some mixed breed of that type, he was no expert on dogs so he wouldn't know. It didn't seem to have a collar or anything so he assumed it must be a stray. He took the dog home, and enjoyed his new companion.
Days pass by and it is about a week since he's had the dog. The young man picked up his newspaper and saw an article about the very well-known, and very rich family of the town. They had a huge mansion and everybody was aware of their great fortune. They had lost their dog, and were putting up a great reward of 100,000 dollars. Their missing dog ad described a dog that had particular color patterns and they pressed very heavily on its shagginess. "It is a VERY shaggy dog" they said in the newspaper. 'This must be their dog!' he thought. He was absolutely ecstatic at the thought of winning this reward, he could get rid of his debt and be stress-free for quite a while. He got into his car with the dog and drove up to the colossal house of the wealthy couple, and knocked on the door. They answered quickly, "What is it, sir?" He told them that he had found their shaggy dog, and brought it up to the door to show them. The couple looked at the dog for a moment and said, "Oh, that dog's not that shaggy."


----------



## Mr Violence (Feb 28, 2011)

I'm not going to take credit for this. I'm just surprised it hasn't been posted yet. I was told this in person. It's way more dramatic and great in person. This is cut and pasted from somewhere on the internet, best representation of it I could find.

Here you go:

There was this boy. He was about 10 years old, average boy. But one thing his loved more than anything else was the circus. He loved the circus with all his heart. He loved the clowns, he loved the funny cars, he loved the animals and all that, he loved the acrobats, and he loved the whole atmosphere, how it brought everyone together. He loved everything about the circus. And every year, the circus would come to town, and he'd get some money from his parents and go see it. He would always arrive earlier, so he could watch things be set up and everthing. He's come and he'd watch the hands shoveling animal crap and pouring the sawdust. He'd watch the animals come in in their cages. He'd watch all the banners being hung and towers with lights on them being erected. It was all so wonderful.

So he went to his seat that he sat at every year, because he knew from experience that it would give him the be best view of the three rings. Now people were starting to trickle in and he was happy, because he loved the circus and this was what this was all about. So he armed himself with a cotton candy and a ballon, which he gave to a little kid, and sat in wonder as the circus began to fill up with people.

Finally, the lights dimmed and a well dressed gentleman in a suit came out and say "Ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, welcome to the Greatest Show on Earth!" and he did his routine, and a spotlight followed a tiny car out that drove through the three rings. He smiled, because he knew what was coming. Clowns began to pour out of the car. There was a really tall one with huge baggy pants, who ran around making balloon animals. There was a fat one who was having a running pie fight with a third. There was a short one would tumble about and do acrobats. And this was great, because he loved clowns especially. Clowns made people so happy and were so full of whimsy. They could make him smile no matter how down he was. 

Then another clown piled out of the car. Now this clown looked different. He couldn't put a finger on it, after all, the clown was in suitable clown attire, but there was just something about his attitude. The clown looked straight at him and marched over. He was in heaven, a clown was going to interact with him. The clown stopped in front of him and looked him up and down. 

Then the clown said "Hello" in a clown-y voice.
"Hello, Mr. Clown!"
"Are you a horse?" the clown said.
"No, I'm not a horse", the boy said.
"Are you a donkey?" 
"No."
"Are you a mule?"
"No."
"Are you a stallion?"
"No."
"Then you must be an ass! HA!" and then the clown sprayed him with seltzer water and ran away.

The boy was devastated. Absolutely crushed. That clown, that evil clown, had ruined the circus for him. The rest of the show went by in a haze. He couldn't bring himself to enjoy it after that rotton harlequin had stripped him of his innocence in that malicious act. He went home, dazed. He went straight to his room. The room was decorated with circus paraphenalia, like balloons, posters of his favorite clowns, statuettes. But all of it caused him pain because that nasty jester had destroyed everything that he loved. While crying his eyes out into his pillow, he made a vow of the most solemn sort. He was going to get even with that clown who deflowered him if it was the last thing he did. He was going to study real hard and become a master of the Comeback. Then he'd fine that clown, and get him to do that same joke, so he'd humilate him as he was humilated.

So he marched down to the library the next morning and took out all the books on the Comeback that he could find. He poured over them, day in and day out till his had mastered their wisdom of the Comeback. When school started that fall, when he was picked on, he'd deliver a crushing retort, and send the bully to tears. He was well on his way to being a Comeback master and getting back at that clown, who'd ruined the circus for him.

He then went through high school, and was very popular for his natural Comeback talents. Guys hung out with him, girls liked him, he did well with teachers. His Comeback talents were widely respected in the Varsity Repartee Team and he carried the team in the National competition to a first place victor in this senior year. He got top grades and was going to graduate. But even as he turned his tassle from right to left, present in his mind was that of revenge on that wicked beast of a clown, who made a mockery of the circus which he still loved.

So he went to Harvard Clown College and majored in the Comeback. He was a celebrated Harvard man, his razor wit earning him acclaim from his fellow students and professors alike. He partied and had fun, but was always diligent in his study of the Comeback and turned in masterful papers on the subject. He effortless got his Bachelors, then his Masters, and wrote a masterful thesis on the Comeback. But it wasn't enough for him. After teaching as a professor at the most respected colleges and universities in the country, and becoming one of the worlds premiere experts on the comeback, he decided to go abroad and wander the world to help him master the Comeback. He'd have the greatest and most masterful Comeback so that he'd crush that clown as he had been crushed.

He travelled around the world. He went to East Germany and walked to the Wall. The East Germany guards jeered and him and he delivered a crushing riposte. They were agast and this gave the people the courage to stand up and start tearing down the wall. He went to the war torn Balkans and when the soldiers mocked him, he left them by the wayside in despair, having stopped their advance with his wit. He went to Africa, the Middle East, and Asia, using his Comeback abilities to make the world a better place. Finally, he found himself at the base of a great mountain in Tibet. He scaled the mountain and arrived at the Great Shaolin Comeback Monks. The guard tested him with a vicious barb, and he effortless made the Comeback, and the elders allowed him to learn there.

Life was hard in the Shaolin Comeback Monastery. Every morning a Monk would come into his room and smack him with a stick. Then, the Monk would insult him and he'd have to mke a Comeback. He worked hard and eventually he was brought before the Elder, who delivered a devastating insult. The man made an expert Comeback and the Elder nodded. There was nothing more that the man could learn there. He felt now, and only now, that he was ready to find that clown and defeat him.

He travelled down the mountain. He went back the way he had come. He travelled back through Asia, and the Middle East, and Africa, making the word a better place with his skill in the Comeback. He went through the Balkans and Germany. He went back thrown America. Finally, he came back to his hometown. He was glad to be back, since this was the roots of his Comeback quest. He rested for a while there, visited his folks and friends. He was content, but wished that he could find that clown and crush him. Then he noticed a poster. 

The circus was in town.

He knew that it was probably not the same circus and that the clown would be long gone anyway. The clown couldn't have been here. But he still really did love the circus, despite the clowns machinations and thought it would be nice to see the circus again, since he hadn't been to many since he started his Comeback quest. So he went earlier like he used to. He watched the hands shovel animal waste and pour down the sawdust. He watched the animals roll in in there cages. He watched the banners being hung and the towers with the lights being erected. He was glad, because this was his favorite thing, despite the evil jester tarnishing it. 

He went to his seat that he always sat at for the best view of the three rings. He got some cotton candy from the vendor and give a balloon to a little boy. Now people were starting to come in and the circus started. The car rolled out and drove around the three rings. He smiled as clowns poured out. There was a tall clown with baggy pants who made balloon animals. There was the clown who had a running pie and seltzer fight with a third clown. The was a short clown his did acrobatic antics. He was happy, but the clown wasn't there. 

Then it happened.

The clown stepped out of the car. He was much older, but he was the same clown alright. He started his Shaolin Comeback Meditation in preparation. He caught the clowns eye and the clown marched over. This was the moment he worked for. This was the moment of his vindication! The clown stopped before him.
The clown grinned and said "Hello!"
The man grinned, he was walking right into it.
"Greetings..." he said
"Are you a horse?"
The man smiled internally, this was perfect. "No."
"Are you a donkey?"
"No, I'm not a donkey."
"Are you a mule?"
"Not at all."
"Are you a stallion?"
"You are all wrong."
The clown smirked. "Then you must be an ass!"
He replied:
*"WELL, FUCK YOU!"*


----------



## BigPhi84 (Feb 28, 2011)

This one's from one of my favorite cartoons of all time, "Teen Titans".


----------



## Encephalon5 (Feb 28, 2011)

SHE IS CUUUUTE!!!!


----------



## Antimatter (Feb 28, 2011)

Why did the plane crash?

Because the pilot was a muffin.


----------



## ddtonfire (Feb 28, 2011)

So there are these two racehorses that have been rivals for their entire lives. They grew up on the same ranch and their parents were great friends and everything and they just got along great. However, not to be racist or anything, but whenever they would race, the black horse would always win--every single time with no exceptions. 
The white horse would always try his best to win and he was a great racehorse in his own right, but he just could never beat the black horse. To be perfectly honest, it didn't really even matter all that much to the white horse, after all they were best friends and he was used to being second best his entire life. 

&#8232;However, one fateful day, the white horse noticed a lump on his foot (or hoof or paw, I'm not really sure what the terminology on the walking appendage is for horses, but it doesn't really matter towards the plot of the story so I'll continue). As I was saying, the horse noticed a lump and tried to ignore it, and for a while he was successful, but after a while the lump started growing and the white horse decided that it would be best to get it checked out. So the next day the horse got up and got in his horse car (this is a car made especially for racehorses, you see racehorses are very smart, hence why they are racehorses, and they are allowed in some states [basically just Kentucky] to get drivers licenses and actually account for a very small percentage of their automobile accidents) and drove to the doctor's office. Once there he filled out some papers including his HMO even though he didn't really require health insurance since he was a fairly successful racehorse and his owner (who also owned the black horse) was very very rich. So he waited for a few minutes and eventually the doctor called him in.
He was given a basic checkup like most doctors like to do and once the doctor concluded that he was in good physical condition (which of course he was; he's a racehorse) the doctor took a look at his foot/paw/hoof/horse walking appendage. After running some tests, the doctor concluded that this was certainly cancer and had it sent in to the lab for further testing.

So a week went by and finally the white horse got a call from his doctor. the doctor told him that the lump on his foot was in fact cancerous and not just that, it was malignant. The doctor predicted that he had little over 3 months to live. Hearing this news put the white horse into a terrible spiral of drinking and depression. He sat around all day, unable to come to terms with the fact that his life was soon to be over. After an intervention by his owner, parents, the black horse and some of his old friends, the horse decided that he wanted to make something of his life; a legacy to leave so that people would remember him. As luck would have it, his old personal trainer who was a mouse had flown in from his home in Chicago for the intervention. The white horse knew he had a favor to ask of his old comrade, so he said to the mouse, "Before I die, I would like to accomplish one more thing--something that everyone will remember." 
The mouse replied, "Well, that's wonderful, but why are you telling me this?" 
The white horse said, "I want to beat the black horse and you're the only one who can help me." 

Unfortunately, by now the black horse was the greatest racehorse to ever live and the white horse had about a month before he was start to become weak from the cancer. So, for 3 weeks, the mouse and the horse trained nonstop and finally on the last week of having any where near the amount of strength needed to beat the black horse the white horse declared his challenge to his best friend and nemesis. The black horse said to the white horse "white horse, you are my best friend and I will not sit back and just let you have this victory. If you want it, you're gonna have to run like you've never run before."

So the horses got on the starting like and some funny little guy with a bucket of chicken and a white beard fired a shot in the air, starting the race. The black horse and the white horse took off running. It all came down to the end. They were neck and neck for the first two laps and on the final lap, the white horse reached deep inside himself unleashing every bit of strength and heart he had in him and pulled ahead in time, for a win by the tip of his nose. The black horse was astonished. He exclaimed "Wow, white horse, I didn't think you had it in you! You've never beat me before!" 
The white horse panted back, "I owe it all to my friend and personal trainer, the mouse"
The mouse ran over to congratulate his student. He cheered, "Great job white horse, you worked really hard for this and it paid off for you in the end!"
Upon hearing these kind words from his respected trainer, the white horse exclaimed...
"HOLY SHIT, A TALKING MOUSE?!"


----------



## Encephalon5 (Feb 28, 2011)

If you're just now coming in to this read the first few pages to get an idea of what anti-jokes, or un-jokes are.


----------



## ddtonfire (Feb 28, 2011)

What happens when the anti-jokes thread runs out of anti-jokes?

People start posting long, drawn-out jokes with no punchline.


----------



## Guitarmiester (Feb 28, 2011)

Two SS.org members walk into an ice cream shop.

Tom was watching the evening news when he discovered the piece of plywood in his pocket. No one but his wife had access to his pants, and she had no reason to put it there. And he knew that he hadn't put it there himself. It was all very strange. But you cannot argue with plywood - it was there, and it intended to stay.

"What am I to do with this?" he mumbled, looking towards the hummingbird who was standing casually on the couch, pondering the situation with a peculiar look. Seven was her name, and she had a nest under that couch. Her answer was not to be mistaken.

"You shall build a magnificent pal... oh wait, this fails.


----------



## anthonyfaso (Feb 28, 2011)

What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer?

We're both lawyers.


----------



## Grand Moff Tim (Mar 1, 2011)

Did you hear about the Polish inventor?


Ignacy &#321;ukasiewicz invented the modern kerosene lamp and built the first oil refinery in the world, and went on to become a wealthy man and a beloved philanthropist.


----------



## Daemoniac (Mar 1, 2011)

A dog walks into a bar.

The bartender calls animal control who promptly chase the dog down and take it to the pound.


----------



## Stealth7 (Mar 1, 2011)

What's 12 Inches long, Purple and makes a women scream?



Cot Death.


----------



## DaddleCecapitation (Mar 1, 2011)

A man decides he wants to build his own house. The schematics he comes across requires the builder to acquire 9,999 bricks exactly. He finds a dealer who is willing to sell him 10,000 bricks for a great price so he makes the purchase.

The man begins to build his house and after 3 hard and long days, he has completed the house. He finds that he has exactly one bricks left over, so we walks over to it, picks it up, throws it in the air.


----------



## leandroab (Mar 1, 2011)

Once upon a time, there was a kid.

His name was Bob.


----------



## Xaios (Mar 1, 2011)

Q: What's white, brown, black, yellow, red and racist?

A: A multi-cultural "Racists Anonymous" meeting.
_____________________

Q: What's black and contributes nothing to society?

A: A black hole.
_____________________

Q: What's black and contributes nothing to society?

A: A hippie at night.
_____________________

Q: What's funnier than a baby in a blender?

A: Lots of things, because a baby in a blender is horrifying.
_____________________

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: Because it saw what it believed to be an easily accessible food source on the other side, and the cognitive reasoning centres of its brain weren't developed enough to recogize that, due to its small size and fragility, it was putting itself in mortal peril in the face of oncoming traffic.


----------



## Faine (Mar 11, 2011)

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree??








Because it died.


----------



## littlephil (Mar 11, 2011)

Don't know if these have been posted.

3 guys walked into a bar. One of them was a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolded with a tedious inevitability.

Three blind mice walk into a pub. But they are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from it would be exploitative.


Bill Bailey FTW


----------



## CrushingAnvil (Mar 11, 2011)

Why couldn't the man make anti-jokes?

He has an IQ of 39 and crushes anvils for a living.


----------



## ittoa666 (Mar 11, 2011)

Pisschrist said:


> What's 12 Inches long, Purple and makes a women scream?



Prince?


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## tacotiklah (Oct 18, 2012)

This is definitely one of the darkest anti-jokes I've ever read:


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## vampiregenocide (Oct 18, 2012)

A horse walks into a bar. His jockey screams in rage as the fault made him lose.


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## BucketheadRules (Oct 18, 2012)

littlephil said:


> Don't know if these have been posted.
> 
> 3 guys walked into a bar. One of them was a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolded with a tedious inevitability.
> 
> ...



Two blokes go into a pub.

Well, I say two. But this is supposed to be a three bloke joke. So they had a couple of ales and Ploughmans to wait for the third bloke.

After a while, a woman walks up and says, "Maybe I can help."

One bloke replies: "Sorry, this is a three bloke joke. Two man and a woman wouldn't really work out."

Then woman says, "Actually, I am a bloke. I'm just waiting for a transvestite innuendo routine that hasn't shown up yet."

So the blokes go "Oh, thank you," and they start the joke.

So: three blokes go into a pub.

Well, I say three. One's actually dressed as a woman, but he's actually a man underneath, so we're alright on paper.

So they go into the pub and who shall they run into but the bloke that was supposed to be in the joke in the first place.

The two blokes go "Where have you been? We've been waiting for you for half an hour!"

The late bloke apologises: "Sorry I'm late. I was stuck in a shaggy dog story. The guy milked it and I couldn't get out of it!" Then he sees the woman. "Who's this woman?"

"She had to fill in for you because you were late!"

And the late bloke says, "You're not going to kick me out of the joke are you? I've been doing the third bloke in the three-blokes-go-into-a-pub joke for 20 years!"

The two blokes says, "Yes, we are kicking you out. Now sit down and shut up!"

So the first bloke goes up to the bar. The late bloke starts heckling him. He shouts out: "HEARD IT!!"

The first bloke says "Well of COURSE you've heard it! You've been doing the joke for 20 years!"

At this point the late bloke pulls out a gun.

"Right! I'm hijacking this old routine! I'm taking us on a surrealist ramble!"

The second bloke says "You idiot! By pulling out that gun, you've already taken us on a surrealist ramble! You're taking us to where we already are! We're now trapped! We're in Gibb's Paradox! We're in a self-defeating two-dimensional continuum from which we can no longer justify our existence!"

And as they said that, they started to melt away and their words faded into a delicate hanging cadence...


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## BucketheadRules (Oct 18, 2012)

Another from Bill Bailey:



"Three blokes go into a pub. 

Well, I say three; could be four or five. 

Could be nine or ten, doesn't matter. 

Could have been fifteen, twenty - fifty. Round it up. Hundred. Let's go mad, eh - two-fifty. Tell you what, double it up - five hundred. Thousand! Oh, I've gone mad! Two thousand! Five thousand! (adopting auctioneer persona) Anyone? Five thousand, six thou, six thousand, ten thousand! 

Small town in Hertfordshire goes into a pub! Fifteen thousand blokes! 

Alright, let's go - population of Rotterdam. The Hague. Whole of Northern Holland. Mainland U.K. Let's go all the way to the top - Europe, alright? Whole of Europe goes... well, I say Europe. Could be Eurasia. Not the band, obviously, that's just two of them. 

Alright, continents - North America! Plus South America! Plus Antartica - that's just eight blokes in a weather station. Not a good example. Alright, make it a lot simpler, all the blokes on the planet go into the pub, right? 

And the first bloke goes up to the bar and he says "I'll get these in." What an idiot!"


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## wowspare (Oct 18, 2012)

Jesus said, "Come forth, and you shall receive eternal life."

But Alex came in fifth, and received a telephone.


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## leandroab (Oct 20, 2012)

"An Irishman walks into a bar..."


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## morrowcosom (Oct 22, 2012)

Billy came home from school today and told his mom , " Hey quess what I did in school today , I had sex with my teacher !!! " His mom , very upset yelled at him to go to his room and said you can tell your dad what you said when he gets home. when his dad got home he told his dad the same thing , and his dad said , "Way to go son !!! Lets go buy you a new bicycle !!! " On the way out of the shop with the new bike the dad says " Do you want to ride your new bike home ? The son says "Hell no , my a** still hurts from the teacher !!!


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## Josh_Conlee (Oct 22, 2012)

This thread is back! 

In celebration.

-Why is there no aspirin in the jungle?

-Because it would not be financially viable to attempt to sell pharmaceuticals in the largely unpopulated rainforest


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## morrowcosom (Oct 22, 2012)

Why was the quadriplegic man discharged from the military? 

His platoon discovered that he was gay. 



What's the difference between a whore and an onion?

Nobody cries when you cut up a whore.


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## Hollowway (Oct 22, 2012)

Most of what Stefon on SNL does is anti-jokes and absurdist humor. But here's one of my favorites:

Stefon: "Have you heard of Blackula the Black Dracula? Well this party has a Jewish Dracula."
Seth: "Oh yeah, what's his name?"
Stefon: "Sidney Applebaum."


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## Josh_Conlee (Oct 22, 2012)

Why is Helen Keller a bad driver? 

Because her inability to see or hear made her an extremely dangerous road hazard.

Zing.


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## Encephalon5 (Oct 30, 2012)

Guys, I haven't been to SS.org in over a year because I did a whole bunch of great things. And now I'm in a random city in NC, I'm incredibly bored, and I just remembered how much I used to visit the site. It makes me so fucking happy to see people posting in this thread. One of the last I started before leaving.


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## tacotiklah (Oct 31, 2012)

Q: Why was the guy dressed as a girl for halloween?
A: Because he was actually a transsexual and had no plans for halloween at all. She (as opposed to he) instead went to class, then went straight home to eat popcorn and watch scary movies.


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## ittoa666 (Nov 1, 2012)

A favorite of mine....


Why did the little girl fall off the swingset?
















She didn't have any arms.


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## BIG ND SWEATY (Nov 3, 2012)

i think some of you might enjoy this video


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## pattonfreak1 (Nov 3, 2012)

i was in bed with my wife last nite, eating out her asshole, when she sez to me, "why are you eating my asshole?"
to which i replied, "cuz your pussy tastes like shit..."


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## LivingTimmy (Nov 4, 2012)

Why did Billy drop his ice-cream?


He was hit by a bus.


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## LivingTimmy (Nov 4, 2012)

Why did Mary fall off the swing?

She had no arms

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"

Not Mary...


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## The Beard (Nov 10, 2012)

LivingTimmy said:


> Why did Mary fall off the swing?
> 
> She had no arms
> 
> ...



Goddamn you I was JUST about to post that


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## ittoa666 (Nov 10, 2012)

Scroll up to find my post of the same joke.


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## JosephAOI (Nov 10, 2012)

I love this thread so much


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## LivingTimmy (Nov 11, 2012)

ittoa666 said:


> Scroll up to find my post of the same joke.



Scroll up to see that I added more to the joke


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## flexkill (Nov 11, 2012)

Subject: Hurricane Cahmiqua
A black congresswoman repeatedly complained
that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in language that street people can understand.

I can hear it now: A weatherman in Houston says...

"Waddup Muthas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo yo ass like Leroy on a crotch rocket! Bitch be a category fo! So grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo de nearest guvment office fo yo FREE shit!!!"


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## tacotiklah (Nov 11, 2012)

Have you ever tried Ethiopian food before?

Neither have they...


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## 7stringDemon (Nov 11, 2012)

*Only saw to page four. Sorry if these have been posted*

*A priest, a liar and a rapist walk into a bar.
He orders a drink and leaves.

*A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks "why the long face?". The horse, incapable of comprehending spoken word, is startled by the new enviornment, knocks over tables, kicks a man, takes a moist shit and runs away.

*My brother really knows how to party! One time, he OD'd on Cocain and died.


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