# Pretty intense story for you



## Tiger (Aug 27, 2009)

My life for the week:


My dad has had some kind of sickness the past two weeks. It started like mono, where he wasnt awake more than two/three hours a day. Monday he was rushed to the hospital. His vision had 'flipped', he became swollen and his motor functions have slowly stopped working. He is having his good days and bad days. He can walk, but its as if he has to remember how first. Cat scan came back negative, and so far every round of blood work has come up with nothing. He is home now but...you know when someone you love is sick, and you know when something is _wrong_, and its definitely the latter. Ive been scared to death all week.

Okay. Not to underscore that, but here is the one that has me gutted:

Live with my girlfriend of six years. A month ago (I made a thread about this actually) she went home to Iowa. My grandfather passed on Friday, we had unprotected sex on Saturday, and the next Monday she left.

When she came home, we went to do what couples do when they have been apart for any amount of time. Sorry to be graphic here. As we went to do it she told me that before she left we must have had sex too rough and done some damage, because for the past few weeks since the Tuesday after she left she has had severe pain there. It wasnt as bad as it had been, so we tried penetration, but it was too much. So I said look, if its been weeks, you werent hurting before you left, you need to go get a test to see if its an infection or something of the sort.

Her blood work came back Tuesday (the day after Dad went to the hospital). I came home from work, and asked her what it was.

Genital Herpes. My first words were 'Thats an STD, right?' 

Ive never, ever been unfaithful. Its something Im not capable of doing. So if I didnt give it to her (My blood was tested as recently as May) how the fuck did she get it?

You see I took her virginity, and we've been together since, except for a brief period when we werent together for a few months. She was with a guy, and she had told me this, but has always said they never had sex.

Repeatedly, for the last four years I always ask if there has been anyone, please tell me so we can be tested. At least a few times a year I would ask, just for both of our safety. But if she was able to lie about one, could there be more?

So me being horribly freaked out that I may have been exposed and was supposed to be on the way to see my Dad, I left.

On the way I called my Sensei, my best friend and told him. He said look, if you love her, go home and look her point blank and ask her if there was anyone else. So I did. And she said no, no one else.

But I felt something, I knew she was lying. I just knew it. So I kept at it, and finally...she said that a month ago (On the Friday that my Grandfather passed) she had slept with some cook at the restaurant she worked at.

And had been exposed to herpes. And had unprotected sex the very next day with me. 

And was willing to lie repeatedly even though my own health and wellbeing was at stake. Do I believe now that it was just that one time? No. Has this been her first outbreak, yes. But I do know that while she was having an outbreak, I penetrated her and may have been exposed.

I got bloodwork done yesterday, and I have to wait days to find out. I havent been able to cry all week, but last night we had our big separation and 'how could you do this' talk. I was fine. I asked her to leave and take her kitten that I had gotten her, and when I bent down to put my finger in its cage to say goodbye, I just lost it. I cried non stop for over an hour.

In a days time I went from planning on kids soon to this. If Im not thinking about my Dad being horrifically ill I am thinking about some piece of shit fucking my girl. 

If you're a girl, and you sleep around and less than a week later your vagina becomes extremely painful, what do you do? You get tested. You fucking get tested. You don't wait weeks and then let your boyfriend try to penetrate you knowing full well that something is wrong. Im not upset at the breakup, I am so upset about the _criminal_ act against me that she was able to commit. 

If Ive contracted it, things get ugly quick. As for now, Im paying last months rent, then in October moving in with my parents (Yes, Navy SEAL guy living with parents at 22) 

But for the rest of her life, the REST of her life, she will be reminded daily of what she did and how badly she fucked up. I love her so much and always will, but jesus christ.


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## SpaceDock (Aug 27, 2009)

I am a deuce bag.


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## ShadyDavey (Aug 27, 2009)

Something very similar happened to me so while anything I can say will be of little consequence compared to actually living through that situation, for what it's worth - hang in there man. It's not going to be easy for a few months but you have your parents, your friends, your career you worked so hard to realise, and the rest of your life ahead of you - concentrate on them. 

Here's hoping that your bloodwork comes back negative, and you can put this behind you.


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## Tiger (Aug 27, 2009)

Please no jokes. Im fine with the thread being deleted, but its too soon to laugh.


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## cycloptopus (Aug 27, 2009)

Holy crap, man! Sorry to hear all this. I can't even imagine how I'd feel in that situation. Best of luck and I hope something good comes out of all this.


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## MF_Kitten (Aug 27, 2009)

that sucks, man. every once in a while, otherwise random events seem to line up, and it just weighs ya down. i feel ya on this one.

not much to do, except live through it. it´s just life being a bitch like it can be sometimes

my best wishes to you and your father, and let´s hope the bloodwork is negative.


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## Esp Griffyn (Aug 27, 2009)

She ain't your girl no more - she has potentially given you a lifetime of enduring a painful and debilitating virus that will never leave your body. You don't want nothing more to do with her, in any way, shape or form, unless you are filing a lawsuit, which would be a good idea if your test comes back positive, as I'm sure you can sue someone for being negligent and landing you with a virus like herpes. If the test comes back negative, the flood of relief and the thought of what could have potentially happened to you will be enough to flush her from your mind.

If it comes back negative, never, ever have anything to do with her ever again. Remember what she could have done with you, and no matter what you once felt for her, she is a liar, she gambled your entire lifetime's sexual health in order to avoid being exposed as a slut and has completely fucked you over. You don't deserve that kind of shit, you're well shot of her.


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## Tiger (Aug 27, 2009)

Esp Griffyn said:


> She ain't your girl no more - she has potentially given you a lifetime of enduring a painful and debilitating virus that will never leave your body. You don't want nothing more to do with her, in any way, shape or form, unless you are filing a lawsuit, which would be a good idea if your test comes back positive, as I'm sure you can sue someone for being negligent and landing you with a virus like herpes. If the test comes back negative, the flood of relief and the thought of what could have potentially happened to you will be enough to flush her from your mind.
> 
> If it comes back negative, never, ever have anything to do with her ever again. Remember what she could have done with you, and no matter what you once felt for her, she is a liar, she gambled your entire lifetime's sexual health in order to avoid being exposed as a slut and has completely fucked you over. You don't deserve that kind of shit, you're well shot of her.




No chance of me ever being with her, this is certain. I cant get past the infidelity and the vision of some Ruby Tuesday cook fucking her. But I will always love her. Im not a stupid person, or someone who isnt self aware when it comes to emotions. 

I didnt raise my voice a single time through all of this. I know who the guy is, where he works, what he drives, and where he lives. My Sensei (An ex SEAL) offered to get penance from him. But I declined. Im not angry at him. Dont get me wrong I would destroy him given the chance, but that stops my hopes and dreams and offers no closure. But this was a girl I knew who had already stood by me through ANY thing, that I was going to be with.

Its going to affect every relationship I ever have. Being so close to someone is very difficult, the chemistry has to be nearly perfect, and it was. And even then, in such harmony, that things are able to go so wrong...its going to scar and jeopardize all of my future. Even without the disease.


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## Fred the Shred (Aug 27, 2009)

^ This man speaks the truth. 

No amount of genuine stupidity could possibly justify her actions, so it would seem she took a chance to "prove her honor" while not giving a rat's arse about potential health problems that might cause you.

Whatever the result may be (let us hope the disease was not in an infectious stage already), herpes is a tough virus to track when the disease is not manifesting itself clinically, as the little buggers can basically wait, inactive, for months or years, hence not causing immune system reaction, no vesicles, and the like. Don't live in paranoia, but do get checked if you feel pain / discomfort and a rash-like eruption appears, especially if it seems to give way to tiny blisters.


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## setsuna7 (Aug 27, 2009)

Dude,hang in there...I had the similar thing 2 years ago...but no diseases...she cheated on me fucking some high school ex boyfriend.What you need right now is some therapy through noise.Listen to some chick related heavy metal hate song!!!
here's my suggestions.
1.cobhc-angels don't kill
2.trivium-washing me away in the tides/dying in your arms
3.cradle of filth-gilded cunt

try and find something that you can relate lyrically.
These are just my 2 cents.
Hang in there bro!!! Stay Heavy!!!


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## MFB (Aug 27, 2009)

Gonna keep this one simple cause I'm boring and you know the shit sucks so :

Fuck that bitch

Edit : Ya know what, fuck her in the figurative sense as well...ya know that whole STD thing


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## ykcirj (Aug 27, 2009)

Thats a terrible story man...I hope things work out for you. These kinds of stories make me lose faith in humanity sometimes. I have a similar story though its not quite as intense. In february i injured my back severely. So severe that i was in constant pain and could only sleep for about two hours a night. I was unable to play guitar, or even function normally. All i focused on was recovering and making it up to my girlfriend. 4 months later she ends our relationship and is with another guy 2 days later. I guess I dont blame her. But it still hurt alot. I wish people could be more honest about things. I'm just posting this because I haven't talked to anyone about it. And i wanted you to know there are people on your side.


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## metallatem (Aug 27, 2009)

I'm really impressed that you are holding it together in the face of all this. No one could blame you if you went postal, but in the long run, you are doing the right thing. 

Unfortunately, people are imperfect and will let you down, even people who are supposed to love you and have your best interests at heart. And there's no way to protect yourself against it. All you can do is live your life the right way and try your best to find people who share your values and beliefs. Sounds like your sensei is someone like that, hopefully you can lean on him.


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## cataclysm_child (Aug 27, 2009)

Ah, that fucking sucks man. Makes me so angry to hear about this! What is it with girls?! (..and guys for that matter)

Good to hear you´re braking up though. Guys that put up with that shit makes me even more angry.

When it comes to herpes it´s not that big deal. Well, it fucking sucks, but I´ve read that 1/5 have it or something, hehe. I´actually read pretty much about it because I got it 3-4 years ago, haha. Now I´m laughing, back then I was angry as hell 
Didn´t even have sex, just some kissing at a party. Got this TERRIBLE outbreak in my mouth when I got it. It was so painful to eat and even drink, so in one week I only ate half a banana and a little bit yoghurt and had to force myself to drink water.

That is the first and only time I´ve noticed it though. Sucks to get it anyway, especially if it´s because of some unfaithful girlfriend tha you thought you could trust

And stories like this is why I can´t entirely trust my own girlfriend, even if she haven´t done anything wrong (that I´m aware of at least!)


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## aphelion (Aug 27, 2009)

for what it's worth, you're in my thoughts dude. not that it compares, but had also found who I thought was the perfect girl, who turned out to be cheating on me with 2 other guys, both of whom i had to have loads of contact with and had positions of authority in my life at the time. It gets better with time, if you let it. but anything you feel right now, you have the right to feel


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## xXxPriestessxXx (Aug 27, 2009)

Hang in there man. Life throws you some major shit sometimes but you seem to be a strong person. Honestly I am surprised by how strong you have been through it already. My best wishes go out to your father and you. Hopefully the blood work comes back clean and you can just be done with that part of this for good.


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## Daiephir (Aug 27, 2009)

Reading your story made me kind of sad inside, someone you trust should never fuck with you like that. I hope for you the tests come in negative so you can put this in the past and concentrate on the present and the future.

(There's nothing bad for a SEAL to go live with his parents)


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## Tiger (Aug 27, 2009)

I wish I have been level headed. I certainly have not been violent or screamed, but I broke down severely last night and Im furious about it. I didnt want her to see a physical manifestation of how gutted I was but I fucking cried harder than I thought possible. She was literally 2 minutes from being out the door when the gates suddenly opened up from the whole week.

Its definitely been the hardest thing of my life.


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## Randy (Aug 27, 2009)

Hey, nobody can dock you points for being human. If anything, she needed to see you uncharacteristically upset about the whole thing... You're going through a lotta stuff in your life, and she just made it that much worse... The STD is a reminder, sure, but having the image of how much of a wreck that made you is something she'll have to live with. Hopefully she'll learn to be a better person out of it.

On the upshot, getting through this will make you stronger. My best wishes to you and your father, alike. 

As an aside, needing support from your family (SEAL or not, living w/ your rents or not) when the chips are down is never anything to be ashamed of.


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## Senensis (Aug 27, 2009)

hang in there, you will eventually get over it. In the meantime, the only advice I can give you is : talk. You may not be the kind of person that does, but talk. To your parents, close friends, whatever. Keeping it for yourself (or on "impersonal" forums) won't do you much good. And don't be ashamed - I'm sure you won"t mock a close relative coming for help, so why would they?

And try to look at it this way : if she was able to do this to you, it's probably that you two are better away from each other. You apparently had some wonderfull years, cherish that. But now, it's time to move on for your own good.

I hope your father gets better as well.


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## Tiger (Aug 27, 2009)

I'm almost hesitant to add what happened today to the thread, because I think some of you might just say "no fucking way" and think I am making things up.

My SEAL pst was scheduled for next Tuesday. Obviously, this weeks events has hurt my performance...like the depression of it is unpredictable. Yesterday when I was indignant, I posted my best swim time to date, not by a little but by 20 seconds.

Whatever I am off track though. Today I was running, and *pop* inside my knee (if anyone follows my seal thread they know Ive been having severe knee pain sense May)

I go crashing down (Imagine someone just eating it on a treadmill) and find that I cant stand up on that leg. Some guys rush over and help me up, and one guy practically carried me to my car. I drove to the emergency room (Automatic car, my right leg is fine) and they wheelchair me in. 

Xrays came back find, bones are good. But the next step is an MRI, and the way in America is I have to either A) Go to my Doctor and get his approval or B) go to an orthopedic doctor and get his approval.

They isolated my knee in one of those massive braces and gave me crutches, and some kind of weird shot in my ass that reduced all of the swelling almost immediately, it was crazy. A prescription of naproxen and hydrocodone. So I am at home now.

Im taking it like a man, I havent lost it like I did last night. In fact I'll be right back in the gym tomorrow doing whatever Im physically able to. This doesnt disqualify me from SEAL training. The biggest thing is the ungodly amount of money. Anyone against affordable health care can fucking suck it.

The MRI has been quoted to me as at least $2000, but may be less since I do not have insurance. This is how bad it is in America: When they were going to give me a brace to isolate my leg, the nurse said "Since you do not have insurance, Im going to give you options: This one is going to support your leg better. Its $200. This one does not give you as much support, but its $50." I fucking chose the cheap one cause apparently my financial status means I am not eligble to be properly cared for.

Im not trying to be in some contest for who's got the biggest problems, people have it far worse than me. I hope that my knee will heal strong and fast so I can get into the program and get the hell out of this place. Having said that, if I do get bad results on the blood work, I am just going to snap.

EDIT: I guess I forgot the part where I fucked up. So I had to get someone to come pick me up before they would give me pain medicine and the injection...my Mom was at home watching Dad, so I called Tess. I told her I knew it was wrong and Im sorry, but I needed someone to come get me and fill my prescriptions. Thankfully she did. But it was an uncomfortable ride home. It felt weird and 'wrong' when she was helping me out of the wheelchair and in to the car. She stayed for a bit and got me anything I needed. This small tiny dose of what we had made me feel very uncomfortable and my "get the fuck out of this situation right now' instinct kicked in. I thanked her but asked her to please leave. I think she knew it was wrong too.


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## setsuna7 (Aug 27, 2009)

Bro,hanging there,two weeks ago I had a surgery on my left knee.The same 'pop' thing happened.It has to be one of your ligament,most probably the ACL.You gotta save some and fix that,there's no other way than surgery.Hang in there,you have to cause you're a SEAL!!! \m/


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## JJ Rodriguez (Aug 27, 2009)

I wonder if there's any way to smuggle you up here, hand you my medicare card and blue cross card, then send you to the doc to get what you need done  But seriously, the whole thing fucking sucks dude. My second to last relationship ended really badly so I can empathize with that aspect (not the STD one) and it gets better. I was in a bad place for 2 weeks, drank a lot (for me anyways) and after 2 weeks I just looked at myself in the mirror and said "what the fuck am I doing?" and boom, I was better. Your mileage may very though, I'm a very shallow and callous person 

Chin up dude, shit will get better.


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## Varjo (Aug 27, 2009)

Dude, I feel ya. As everyone has said, that sucks ass. I've been in a similiar situation myself, though no STD's, but there was a chance. I'm not gonna flood the thread with my experiences, but I really can and do sympathize.

It'll take time but you'll heal. Just give it time - it's okay to be down for a while.

If you feel like it, feel free to PM me to chat or something. Hold on there.


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## scottro202 (Aug 27, 2009)

damn dude, that sucks. hope all goes well for you!! hang in there, things will get better. hope your blood tests come back clean.


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## Empryrean (Aug 27, 2009)

Having neither situation remotely similar to yours, I cannot understand quite how you feel but, I do wish you well sir.


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## MF_Kitten (Aug 28, 2009)

the girlfriend i first lost my virginity to cheated on me with about 3 other guys, so i know how pissed off you feel. the girlfriend i had before that left me because boys weren´t quite her thing, if you know what i mean. she´s a majorly tomboy lesbian today.


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## Daemoniac (Aug 28, 2009)

xXxPriestessxXx said:


> Hang in there man. Life throws you some major shit sometimes but you seem to be a strong person. Honestly I am surprised by how strong you have been through it already. My best wishes go out to your father and you. Hopefully the blood work comes back clean and you can just be done with that part of this for good.



^ This. 



Tiger said:


> I wish I have been level headed. I certainly have not been violent or screamed, but I broke down severely last night and Im furious about it. I didnt want her to see a physical manifestation of how gutted I was but I fucking cried harder than I thought possible. She was literally 2 minutes from being out the door when the gates suddenly opened up from the whole week.
> 
> Its definitely been the hardest thing of my life.



 It's hard to know what to say in a situation like this, but just remember that no matter how much it hurts, there will be more people. No matter how bad you feel, there are people who are happy to talk to you, and help you through it. Whether your bloodwork is positive or negative, there are ways to work through it (or it's just fine..)

We're all here for you should you need it, i hope you feel a bit better soon and i hope it all passes as easily as it can be man. You've been stronger about it than i would be, believe me there, and i applaud you for that.

Stay strong, and it _will_ get better.


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## Tiger (Aug 28, 2009)

Still waiting on my test results. Scared to death. I cant think of women or sex or anything without feeling sick and enraged. Mornings and nights are the hardest time right now. I just dont want to do anything, like I want the world to just pause.

Truth is she was a huge part of what I wanted for the future, a lot of what I was working so hard for was to ensure we'd have a good life together and that we'd be well off. All the effort of this past year was for us, and Im having a hard time getting the desire to refine myself. 

Shes supposed to pick my car up from the emergency room and bring it here soon and it sounds sick but I cant wait for her to get here. 

The weekend is coming and I have it off. Im not sure how to get through it. My knee feels much better today, enough that Im not taking the narcotics they gave me. I did yesterday and it coupled with my thoughts took me to some dark places.

I just really need to get those test results back negative.


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## Varjo (Aug 28, 2009)

I know you want to be strong man but if the walls are coming down... I'd suggest to go to a safe place and let them come down. All that shit is something your mind has to go through, it has to process all those "dark places" and those enraging and sickening feelings you have. It's just something that happens when shit like this hits the fan. You need to process it your way.

It ain't a shame to let your feelings show sometimes. It will get better but it'll take time and no one said it'll be easy or fun.


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## Tiger (Aug 28, 2009)

The problem is that Ive come to realize that I cant cry unless shes around. Its the exact opposite of the Fight Club syndrome. When she came over we were both fucked up within minutes. I discussed this specifically with her, I cant seem to let it out unless Im around her. My friend who has been my guidance and listening post said something pretty spot on today. She said that for the past few years Tess had become the one person I went to when I was hurt or fucked up. Now I dont have that and old habits die hard.

Its been three days and Im already feeling sick of my bullshit. Appetite is suppressed, motivation to do absolutely anything is gone. Big baby


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## RenegadeDave (Aug 28, 2009)

That must be really awful having all that shit happen. I understand what you mean about having someone who gives you purpose, it clicks in that male "protector/provider" deal. Having that all of a sudden fall away is probably pretty tough to get your head around. I have no advice to give you other than say I have a good amount of sympathy for you and hope that you don't have genital herpes. 

There's good in this somewhere, it's just going to be finding it that is the hard part.


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## katierose (Aug 28, 2009)

That's rough =\ Let's hope the results come back negative and that she learns some serious shit from this. The first couple of weeks will probably be the worst, but I promise in time you'll get through it and move on with your life.


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## willybman (Aug 29, 2009)

holy shit, best of luck dude. i feel like im allmost in the same situation as u.
o well.
Stay heavy, will


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## Ketzer (Aug 29, 2009)

The Rage train is leaving the station. Here we go.

Alright, brother, look at it this way. First, know that I have ZERO compassion for cheaters, and as such may say some things that you're not gonna like hearing, considering you still care about that gutless whore.

You are currently in the training program for the second-most, if not most highly trained unit in the best-trained military in the world. She works as a waitress in a fucking Mid-class burger joint, fucking the cook because she has no self-worth. In 10, no, 5 years, you'll be the culmination of hundreds of thousands of US Taxpayer dollars, finely honed into the most efficient fighting machine the US has to offer. She'll still be a fucking waitress, maybe she'll fuck some more cooks, now that you've gotten rid of her. 

Her actions have irreparably damaged her life and well-being, and I hope that she has not done the same to you in turn. You'll tell people what you've done with your life, and they'll respect you. I respect you now, I have some friends who are in the SEAL training program (You may know one, Kalle Blindenbacher?), and I know that it's rough. What does she have to show for her life? Herpes. Awesome. Herpes, no less herpes that was the result of infidelity because she stupidly decided she needed someone worse than you. That looks GREAT on a resume. 

You'll live, you'll move on, you'll one day be able to get up in the morning and be fucking thrilled with your life, you'll be the shit. She will NEVER be able to shake this. Her bout of infidelity, her 5 minutes of fun, she has been marked by it, and every day when she takes her medicine, every time she has a breakout, she'll be forced to remember how she got it, and what she threw away.

Be strong, man. You'll make it.

Shit, I'd even be willing to toss in a few bucks towards your treatment. It's fucking wrong that the people the US relies on to protect their interests have to scrape by like this, while people who rob the shareholders blind get their mattresses stuffed with money and nice golden parachutes.

hope your test ends positively. (That is to say, negative. No pun intended.)


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## Esp Griffyn (Aug 29, 2009)

Ketzer said:


> You are currently in the training program for the second-most, if not most highly trained unit in the best-trained military in the world.



Now now, lets not get carried away


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## Ketzer (Aug 29, 2009)

The US Military is better-trained than the British Military, on the whole. The SAS are great, no doubt, but the remainder of the Brits' forces are, by and large, undertrained when compared to US forces. Mainly because we use ours a hell of a lot more. 

The Green Berets and Marine Force Recon would be the only two US units that I think have training experiences on par with SEAL. MFR is probably more hardcore, though I don't think anyone's ever DIED in MFR training, whereas they have in SEAL.


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## Esp Griffyn (Aug 29, 2009)

lol


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## Tiger (Aug 29, 2009)

Real quick just to weight in, they are all fine soldiers. SEAL just have the most intense and torturous training, just because it is the nature of the missions they undertake. Things usually reserved for POW's (water torture, drowning, five days of sleep deprivation) are in the first three weeks of the curriculum of a 2 year initiation. 





Ketzer you may be right. But youre correct that I still love her and without condoning or condemning it its hard to read your post. I still love her and I wish the disease gets cured tomorrow and that she has the most successful life she can.

But fuck the one image I cant get out of my head is this guy fucking her. If I see a picture of her it snaps into my head. Its not breaking up with her that has me annihilated, its the criminal act. The event. Its still impossible to comprehend it.


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## 7 Strings of Hate (Aug 29, 2009)

Hey man, one thing you need to remember. Your 22, you have a long life ahead of you. Maybe its better this happend(not the std) so you can do your seal training and fully focus on it, come out stronger, and continue one stronger and wiser. Your young man, revel in that fact and use it.
But i am sorry to hear about this.


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## Xiphos68 (Aug 29, 2009)

Dude. I don't know if your a Christian or not it doesn't matter to me. But I will definitely be praying for you. I coudn't imagine what your going through.


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## Tiger (Aug 29, 2009)

7 Strings of Hate said:


> Hey man, one thing you need to remember. Your 22, you have a long life ahead of you. Maybe its better this happend(not the std) so you can do your seal training and fully focus on it, come out stronger, and continue one stronger and wiser. Your young man, revel in that fact and use it.
> But i am sorry to hear about this.



Its not the loss of her. Yes I will be with someone else in the future. Right now I do not want anything to do with any female. The idea of sex is horrifying to me right now. It doesnt matter what age I am. Youre right that it puts me in a prime position to focus on my training, but so much of it was wrapped up in her that even that vision is hard to focus and see clearly right now.



Xiphos68 said:


> Dude. I don't know if your a Christian or not it doesn't matter to me. But I will definitely be praying for you. I coudn't imagine what your going through.



I am an atheist but you have good intentions, so I appreciate it.


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## Xiphos68 (Aug 29, 2009)

Tiger said:


> Its not the loss of her. Yes I will be with someone else in the future. Right now I do not want anything to do with any female. The idea of sex is horrifying to me right now. It doesnt matter what age I am. Youre right that it puts me in a prime position to focus on my training, but so much of it was wrapped up in her that even that vision is hard to focus and see clearly right now.
> 
> 
> 
> I am an atheist but you have good intentions, so I appreciate it.


Your welcome.


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## Ibanezsam4 (Aug 29, 2009)

perhaps we should start a ss.org "lets scrape together 2 grand and get Tiger an MRI fund"... i mean its what America did before HMOs and all that nonsense, we gave to charity


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## Arteriorrhexis (Aug 29, 2009)

Tiger said:


> But fuck the one image I cant get out of my head is this guy fucking her. If I see a picture of her it snaps into my head. Its not breaking up with her that has me annihilated, its the criminal act. The event. Its still impossible to comprehend it.



That's what kills me in a relationship... Even if nothing has happened.
Though my most recent ex says she never did anything with anyone when we were together I don't believe her cause she was always, ALWAYS, talking to other guys more than me, she would hide shit from me, and I know she fucked another guy once during a short break but I'm pretty sure she did it more.

I can't fucking stand sluts.


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## Tiger (Aug 29, 2009)

Ibanezsam4 said:


> perhaps we should start a ss.org "lets scrape together 2 grand and get Tiger an MRI fund"... i mean its what America did before HMOs and all that nonsense, we gave to charity



No, I would not take it. I will say this though. My friend that I sold all my gear to says that I can borrow it a few weeks. I lent my Pod XTpro to my guitar teacher in Seattle, he is sending that back as well. Im just going to write and record the next few weeks. Its the only activity that can absorb my mind and get it to stop torturing me.

So far its not been easy, I can focus about 30 minutes before it starts to get cloudy. Functioning at work the past two days has been dangerous. I start thinking about it when Im teaching and I just start kind of mumbling.

What will happen is, I am going to put the songs that get finished in such a short period of time up on soundclick. Ill upload them twice, so you can get them for free or pay for them and it will certainly be used for this medical tidal wave thats about to hit.

To be honest I would prefer to know that people will just listen. The couple bucks it might make will pale in comparison to whats coming my way, but I feel like I will take some solace in getting it out of my head and into the world. So Im out of my recording retirement, its been since last august since I wrote or even thought of writing. Quick honest arrangements...write now I just sit at the computer programming drums and playing through a borrowed friends amp.



Tomorrow is going to be very difficult. My tutor, Maru, picture the iconic japanese immigrant, hard to understand unless you are familiar with the language. The most stereotypical samurai-honor film kind of person. He has 'adored' Tess and I all these years, constantly pushing me to stay with her and marry because he thought the world of her (Everyone did, from my family to Sensei to anyone who knew us). He comes and eats dinner with us on Sundays, I cook for him or we go over there where he cooks (Professional Japanese chef, $70k+ a year).

I have been dreading telling him, but I emailed him asking to come over tomorrow and I think I worded it poorly because his reply made it sound like he thinks Im going to tell him Tess was pregnant or we were getting married. All of this is just so hard.

Not sure whats going on. She came over last night and I wanted her. Wanted her back and to fix everything. This morning I cant stop thinking about her infidelity. 

She comes over tonight to help me do some things around the house that I cant do on account of being a cripple, and to discuss last night.


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## cataclysm_child (Aug 30, 2009)

Let me quote myself here:
"Good to hear you´re braking up though. Guys that put up with that shit makes me even more angry."

You don´t need her. Come on now, don´t make me more angry. It will be hard, but give it a few months and you´ll see you can do just fine without her. There´s a better girl for you out there!


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## JJ Rodriguez (Aug 30, 2009)

Yeah, I agree with cataclysm. What you really need is time away from her to clear your head. Keeping on seeing her is getting you confused.


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## Tiger (Aug 30, 2009)

I cant cry it out unless she is around. She's been my only support for years. I cant prepare myself for tomorrow...if the results are positive I cant tell what Im going to do. I cant picture that future. The closer it gets the more scared I become and the more I feel like I need to reach out to her even though she's the cause of what happened.

Apparently Ive gone through my whole life without ever actually feeling real fear. Ive treated my body like a temple my whole life. Ive never even smoked a cigarette. Ive taken beatings in the dojo and broken so many bones and loved it because I came back stronger than before. But for all my strength and ability to take on any challenger, this disease could have wormed its way into my life and taken a stranglehold of it without even letting me whimper.

What hurts is that I dont think shes even trying to win me back. And the closer it gets to Monday the more my heart rate gets jacked and the more fearful I become.


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## sami (Aug 30, 2009)

Tiger, I can't imagine the weight that's on you right now. I wish you the best of luck. I seriously hope results come back okay for you tmrw.

I honestly think you should seek a psychiatrist if she's the only that you can let your feelings out to. Everyone has to have a vent and you need one you can release without having to rely on anyone else.


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## Tiger (Aug 30, 2009)

I want to. That shit is expensive too. You have to be wealthy in america to be healthy.

But Ive got some numbers. I will call tomorrow. Im willing to do anything to get that image out of my head or learn how to keep it from feeling like a panic attack every 30 minutes.

Most people would say, time heals everything, but its going to affect every relationship I ever have and I need to learn how to get through it. Now is better than when Im on some tour of duty.

EDIT: I just want to throw this in there, yesterday I was driving to the gym and had Superunknown on. Fell on Black Days started playing and I was like nah man, cant hear this song right now. So I cut it to radio immediately and fucking Fell On Black Days was playing at almost the same spot. Really big WTF moment there.


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## MF_Kitten (Aug 30, 2009)

it´s like all the random potential events in the world are happening to you at the same time or something.

you should live in norway/sweden/denmark. over here you´d have that MRI a long time ago, because the state would pay it for you.


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## Tiger (Aug 30, 2009)

It's over. Her choice. Picking up her stuff next week. Going home to Iowa after. I did every thing I could to save it.


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## MFB (Aug 30, 2009)

Tiger said:


> It's over. Her choice. Picking up her stuff next week. Going home to Iowa after. I did every thing I could to save it.



Wait, you mean you guys have still been together these past ...3 days? I thought you cut her loose right after the initial confrontation?


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## Tiger (Aug 30, 2009)

She left the house yes. But if you think it was a clean break and that there werent a lot of things to discuss, then no.

I decided that my love for her was greater than my anger at what happened. She decided that she couldnt do it any more.


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## sami (Aug 30, 2009)

It sucks that it's over man, but trust me, it's better off this way...


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## Tiger (Aug 31, 2009)

Dad's got Lyme disease.

Doctor says nothing is torn in my knee. Gave me a cortisone shot, said that if the pain went away within a few weeks I was fine. Said that if it didnt go away then surgery would be required because its the cartilage. But he saved me a lot of money, he said this was the 'poor man's MRI'. 

Still waiting on blood test.


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## Randy (Aug 31, 2009)

That's great to hear. I mean, Lyme disease is pretty treatable and there's at least _some_ chance nothing's permanently damaged on you. 

Good luck with the bloodwork, still.


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## Tiger (Aug 31, 2009)

Bloodwork came back negative. I should feel happy. I feel relief, but todays been the hardest day so far.

I was told that it'd be a good idea to get tested again in two months, and I will.


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## Ketzer (Aug 31, 2009)

Hell yeah, man. Glad to hear you're clean.


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## MFB (Aug 31, 2009)

Good to hear man, at least that's one less thing you'll have to hold on to forever (I say that in a positive way, if it comes off as douchey, my bad)


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## asmegin_slayer (Aug 31, 2009)

This is great news man!!! You'll be fine!!


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## Tiger (Aug 31, 2009)

This sums it up well.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/iechine/3876744724/in/set-72157622188451440/

My album is 'moderate', some things some of you may be comfortable seeing or not seeing. Ive gotta have some kind of outlet as drama queen like as these things can be. This link is worksafe unless you scroll down far enough. I'm an artist and express myself as I see fit, but I follow the rules of this site, so NSFW if you choose to look at other pictures.


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## sami (Aug 31, 2009)

Time to buy yourself a beer!! (Or milk, whichever you prefer)


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## Tiger (Sep 2, 2009)

Been on a rollercoaster ride.

Yesterday I was just so angry, all day. Eating at me. For the first time truly more angry than sad. 

Till I went to work...everything started eating at me and I realized my shortness of breath, how I was talking. I lasted as long as I could and canceled my last lesson. Bolted home and started crying and it would just not stop. Called every person in my 'support group' and no one answered. Let it go for 30 minutes.

Finally I texted Tess to get over here because I was having a panic attack. She did and for the next two hours I cried into her like a child. But I got everything out, I told her I wasnt to blame and everything that had been eating at me I at least expressed. Every little detail about all of what had happened I said aloud to try and get it out of my head. But I cried and cried and cried. I cried enough that when she left I fell asleep immediately, at like 9 something. I wont say I feel better today. But I probably at least got the first of many of these days out of the way.

Every sweet memory the past few years is revisiting itself in my head. We had an amazing relationship, something that every one who encountered us figured we'd just be together forever. No one was able to see this coming, much less believe it.
My formative years of life have been with her at my side, and Im realizing I have to learn how to do every day by myself now.

Its like losing an arm, Im constantly going to send the impulse to move it even though its not there, 

Has this been my manliest of weeks? No. Ive already had more than my fair share of the bitter old guys telling me that thats how girls are and that they've already been there, as if that is supposed to help. This isnt getting over a 'girlfriend', we crossed that threshhold years ago.


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## Scar Symmetry (Sep 2, 2009)

hope it turns out ok for you man, I'm sure none of us are really able to comprehend what it is you're going through.


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## Tiger (Sep 2, 2009)

It helps to type it out even if I dont know anyone here. That helps I guess, to get it out of my head and manifest itself somehow. I know that I havent hit bottom with this yet, I just dont want it to start shutting me down everywhere I go.


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## Daemoniac (Sep 2, 2009)

Scar Symmetry said:


> hope it turns out ok for you man, I'm sure none of us are really able to comprehend what it is you're going through.



Aye, both of these. I can only imagine what it must be like, having been with my partner since before i left school, the majority of my teenage life was with her, and even the mere thought of losing her is painful...

I just hope you get through this, you have my best wishes and i really do hope you can work through this 



Tiger said:


> I know that I havent hit bottom with this yet, I just dont want it to start shutting me down everywhere I go.



I seriously doubt it, and best you get it out amongst the company of friends/acquaintances at least...


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## Tiger (Sep 2, 2009)

Demoniac said:


> Aye, both of these. I can only imagine what it must be like, having been with my partner since before i left school, the majority of my teenage life was with her, and even the mere thought of losing her is painful...



To articulate, you have to imagine another man fucking her, her liking it, her lying to you about it when it could cost you your future, and you love her enough to forgive her but she chooses to leave anyway with a disease that will remind her of you and that man the rest of her life.

You cant even be remembered for what you were to her, you have to be associated with it. Then live in the house that you shared. You find her hair on your clothes even after they have been washed, you smell her in your bed. You dream and dream of her. You want to remember what sex was like with her but instead you can only think of the two of them, and them enjoying it.

And these thoughts dance in your head all day, while you're supposed to be focused on work or training.

It just hurts more and more.


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## Ketzer (Sep 2, 2009)

You have to go out there, you have to find someone else. You're not gonna wanna do it, and that's what you're gonna tell me, that you need time to heal. But time isn't being too kind to you right now. You gotta grin and bear it. Find some other girl, doesn't have to be serious. The best way to heal from any damage is to find something to take the place of what's gone. I know you don't like hearing that, man, but I know it's true, and I wouldn't say it if I didn't think it would help.


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## Scar Symmetry (Sep 2, 2009)

Ketzer said:


> You have to go out there, you have to find someone else. You're not gonna wanna do it, and that's what you're gonna tell me, that you need time to heal. But time isn't being too kind to you right now. You gotta grin and bear it. Find some other girl, doesn't have to be serious. The best way to heal from any damage is to find something to take the place of what's gone. I know you don't like hearing that, man, but I know it's true, and I wouldn't say it if I didn't think it would help.



I'm sorry but I completely disagree with this post.

what you're suggesting is basically co-dependance and would probably result in his feelings for Tess being transferred over to another girl, thus he wouldn't be able to grieve in full and truly move on.

my advice would be to grieve *hard* and get it all out of your system, that way you will be able to move on and eventually you will feel normal again. happiness may not be on the horizon, but it's also probably closer than it feels like.

all the best man.


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## Tiger (Sep 2, 2009)

There are no other girls. Not here. If I can ship off in Jan/Feb, Ive got two years of training ahead of me. I cant think of another girl psychologically, Im not sure if thats what you mean by healing but right now the thought of them just brings me right back to some guy screwing Tess.

I know for a fact she will be moving on before me. Thats going to eat my alive too. Just over a week ago we were thinking of names for our kids. Now next week she's moving away over a thousand miles.


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## budda (Sep 2, 2009)

Tiger, I'm sorry to hear about your recent turn of events.

When the ex broke up with me, I said I would never make a thread about it - I spend too much time on here as it is, I don't need to display my personal life too.

You have a very different situation. I hope for all the best for you. It's a bitch - I still lose sleep over things.

You have to find a distraction.


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## cddragon (Sep 2, 2009)

Damn man, after reading through this thread I have to say one thing - you've gone been hell I've never even thought I could get through. I don't know what would I do in such a situation, but hell, I'd probably do a lot more things I might regret later than you did.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you'll move on somehow and live a happy life someday again.

If you want to, listen to a song that I listened to when I broke up with my girlfriend - Roadrunner United - 'The Dagger'


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## cycloptopus (Sep 2, 2009)

Bro, I've been there having those thoughts you're having...as I'm sure a few of us out here have been. No denying it's tough. I've had sleepless nights punching shit at 3:00am and yelling and stuff. Thinking about someone boning someone you really care about is not good. Hard to get out of your mind too. I don't have much advice for that and I know nothing really helped me except talking and writing it all out. I've got notebooks of stream of conscious, just crazy shit that I'll probably never read again. Tough to go back to. I also listened to alot of AM radio all night long to help distract me. I was listening to some crazy show that would talk about aliens, crazy science, and paranormal stuff. To be honest these are the only things that helped me sleep. I'd wake up write for an hour and it would get me back to sleep..sometimes. 

I'm really happy the test came back negative and that's good your knee doesn't seem as bad as it could be. This relationship will affect you going forward like you said, but if your clean that is a HUGE positive! Once this emotional storm passes you will be clean and she won't be. So take that for what it's worth. Her bad, not yours. She was unfaithful to you and trust me, you don't want that. Be a man and walk away standing tall, no matter what you feel emotionally. Don't give her any more indication that you can't live without her because you can and you will. Easier said than done, but do it. You have to go through this pain, but don't show her any more of it, not for revenge, but for your pride. Shit man, you've got to have more balls than me if you're gonna be a SEAL...


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## Tiger (Sep 2, 2009)

^ I dont mind her seeing how she gutted me. Im not sure if Ive clearly indicated how she's been through all of this, but she looks like she has cancer and hasnt slept since the day I found out. Its not like she isnt destroyed either. Ive held her and let her cry every day Ive seen her since then, Ive only been able to let it out three times now. Yes, I am the man and I am supposed to be stronger. I have been. 

Am I going to be a professional killer? Yes, maybe, with good intentions. Do I take solace knowing that she will go through life knowing she cheated on a Navy SEAL and has to explain that and the disease to every man she is ever with? Yes. Am I still a good person with a huge heart? Absolutely. I cry during movies. I love dogs more than people. I cant listen to people telling me to 'man up' because post trauma doesnt let you do that. I'm a tough motherfucker. Great. This has still put a big hole right through the middle of me.



cddragon said:


> If you want to, listen to a song that I listened to when I broke up with my girlfriend - Roadrunner United - 'The Dagger'



Literally any song I hear is put into perspective for this situation, music doesnt help me.


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## cycloptopus (Sep 2, 2009)

Tiger said:


> ^ I dont mind her seeing how she gutted me. Im not sure if Ive clearly indicated how she's been through all of this, but she looks like she has cancer and hasnt slept since the day I found out. Its not like she isnt destroyed either. Ive held her and let her cry every day Ive seen her since then, Ive only been able to let it out three times now. Yes, I am the man and I am supposed to be stronger. I have been.
> 
> Am I going to be a professional killer? Yes, maybe, with good intentions. Do I take solace knowing that she will go through life knowing she cheated on a Navy SEAL and has to explain that and the disease to every man she is ever with? Yes. Am I still a good person with a huge heart? Absolutely. I cry during movies. I love dogs more than people. I cant listen to people telling me to 'man up' because post trauma doesnt let you do that. I'm a tough motherfucker. Great. This has still put a big hole right through the middle of me.


I hope I didn't come across the wrong way, man. I'm not saying you're not allowed to greive, in fact you have to, I think. I guess i just mean that she wronged you and that is unforgivable. My feeling is that you must walk away from her emotionally and that's all. It's friggin hard to do. Probably harder than anything else. But hoping she will come around won't lead to good things, just more pain. If she did it once she'll do it again.

You don't need to listen to me, I'm just letting you know I've been there and that has been the best thing for me.


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## thebhef (Sep 2, 2009)

That's some pretty heavy shit, man. I don't really have anything too useful or meaningful to say, but I feel for you. Hope you have a speedy and complete recovery.


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## Tiger (Sep 2, 2009)

cycloptopus said:


> I hope I didn't come across the wrong way, man. I'm not saying you're not allowed to greive, in fact you have to, I think. I guess i just mean that she wronged you and that is unforgivable. My feeling is that you must walk away from her emotionally and that's all. It's friggin hard to do. Probably harder than anything else. But hoping she will come around won't lead to good things, just more pain. If she did it once she'll do it again.
> 
> You don't need to listen to me, I'm just letting you know I've been there and that has been the best thing for me.



We are over, yes. No going back. I didnt take offense.


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## SpaceDock (Sep 2, 2009)

Sorry for being a jackass with my response before. 

My high school sweetheart cheated on me with a steroid junkie and after I dumped her she became a stripper. It really sucked knowing that the girl I loved turned herself into a complete whore, literally.

I don't think you can ever blame yourself or try to find reason in what others choose to do with their life; you just need to do what you feel is right and persevere.


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## budda (Sep 2, 2009)

At least you realize the "no going back" part .


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## Seebu (Sep 5, 2009)

You talk a lot about "manliness". If you are getting through all this shit, as you are, you ARE a man. Men have feelings too, nothing wrong with getting in terms with yourself and dealing with your feelings. 
I'm glad your father doesn't have anything more dangerous than Lyme's Disease and that your test came back negative.


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## Tiger (Sep 5, 2009)

I'm not an emotionally suppressed male. But its hard to find yourself waking at 5 am crying from dreams. It happened again yesterday. I woke up and looked around the room, seeing all of her things packed in boxes and it was over for a few hours. It hits me all day long. Sometimes it just makes me gasp, but mostly I cry without feeling much of anything. 

I'm not ashamed to admit any of this. It's the hardest thing of my life so far. I only take my painkillers for my knee before going to work. After that panic attack on Tuesday I am really scared of it recurring. I hate them but they do numb me enough to be able to sit in a small room with someone's mouth-breathing spawn and not completely lose my mind. But they will eventually run out.

I'm not going to hit bottom until she leaves for home on Thursday. Right now Im just trying to drag myself through each day. Doing these help, as well as writing my music.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/iechine/3886513335/


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## CrushingAnvil (Sep 6, 2009)

setsuna7 said:


> Dude,hang in there...I had the similar thing 2 years ago...but no diseases...she cheated on me fucking some high school ex boyfriend.What you need right now is some therapy through noise.Listen to some chick related heavy metal hate song!!!
> here's my suggestions.
> 1.cobhc-angels don't kill
> 2.trivium-washing me away in the tides/dying in your arms
> ...



'Guilded Cunt'? Subtle dude, real subtle...

Sorry about all that you're going through Tiger, It's kind of humbling, I feel like such a boring person - this stuff never happens to me. 

I hope things work out and I hope you didn't catch her funk...


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## Tiger (Sep 8, 2009)

I'm starting to really really dread Thursday.

I went ahead and took the day off. Sometime in the afternoon shes finishing all of her affairs in town, coming here to see me, and leaving. No idea when I'll see her again.

It feels like she died and Im grieving in that manner. Sunday was the first day I managed to feel real anger towards her, but that dissolved very fast.

Its like this.

Picture that you have a daughter, and you love her. But she grows up to kill someone brutally. You love her and nothing will ever change that, but you also know deep down that she is going to be punished and rightfully so. I feel so bad for her, I get tears immediately when I contemplate her having that disease forever (shes only two years younger than me, I mean fuck) and I dont wish it on her. But everything has been taken away from her because of her actions, and yes, I know she deserves it. 

Id wish it all away if I could but shes going to suffer and she knows it. We've talked everything out, theres nothing left to say but goodbye. 

I plan on typing out the pretty amazing story of how we came to be together soon as a form of therapy, Ill post it here. I promise its worth reading but its also hard to imagine that this is the end of it.

Two weeks ago today I found out, the whole world changed completely. But Im still here.


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## _detox (Sep 8, 2009)

You are very strong to go through all of this and be able to relay it with a level head. I look forward to your story.


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## Fzau (Sep 8, 2009)

And you'll be here for a long time!
I can't imagine how you must feel..
Writing music always helped me getting through everything in a way too.
Sadly enough, there's no going back, what happened happened..
The only thing you can do is try to move on and keep your head up high.. easier said than done though, I admit..
I wish you lots of strenght man!


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## MF_Kitten (Sep 9, 2009)

you´re handling this in a very good way. instead of drinking yourself into a stupor, smashing random smashable things, and making a fool of yourself in public, maybe getting into a fight, you´re actually seeing this as clearly as possible, and you´re just living life as it is. i know it´s not exactly the norm to do the binge drinking thing, but lots of guys end up doing that, guys you´d expect to take it well, ya know?


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## Tiger (Sep 9, 2009)

Drinking doesnt make me feel good, at all. I regret it the once or twice a year I do it.

None of the things you mentioned would do any good...This is something Ive had to deal with 100% mentally, minus the manifestations in crying and the like. My minds my greatest asset, anyone's really, just have to think it through.

But Im getting a huge sense of dread over tomorrow. Already Ive got the constant adrenaline on edge feeling. Its going to be rough. Just have to keep reminding myself that Im in withdrawal from something very bad for me, and that the girl I knew and loved is gone.


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## budda (Sep 9, 2009)

Chin up, sir.

I'm not in the same boat, but I can sort of relate. I'm sort of dreading tomorrow as well, but for different reasons. I also feel similarly about the drinking, although I do it more often.

Life sure is weird.


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## MF_Kitten (Sep 10, 2009)

Tiger said:


> None of the things you mentioned would do any good....



my point exactly.

you´ll be fine, just do the "go through day - repeat" thing for a while. i know it´s totally useless advice, but hey.


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## Tiger (Sep 10, 2009)

Well she came over. We loaded her car up.

We spent a good hour or so crying on each other and everything. I walked her to the car, kissed her goodbye and she left. I felt something just disconnect as she drove off, like suddenly I was alone in a chatroom. 

I came in and wept for a few minutes but I just...dont feel anything right now. I feel just as shocked and awed as I did when I first heard the diagnosis. That hasnt set in yet and neither has this. Theres a huge sense of, 'Now what?'


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## cataclysm_child (Sep 10, 2009)

Now you go on with your life. Good job! And good luck finding "the right one"


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## TheHandOfStone (Sep 10, 2009)

I've been monitoring this thread, but haven't posted anything as of yet because there's nothing I had to add. I'd like to say it's really inspirational to see Tiger tackle such a big problem through sheer will. It puts my small problems into perspective. Tiger, I admire your resolve and would like to aspire to that same mental toughness.


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## Tiger (Sep 16, 2009)

Since I currently cant sleep because of it, heres yesterdays news:

I passed my SEAL exam. I went expecting to fail, as I havent been able to run in weeks. I just wanted to go an show my face, and to get my recruiters off of my back. I went in and dominated the pool on everything, out of 8 all but 2 of us had failed. Then we went to run, and I knew I was screwed just by the way my body felt.

At the mile marker I was hurting, bad. I had planned on letting everything thats happened to me flood my thoughts, and it sped up my 5th lap. But on the 6th I felt that it was hopeless, but I realized very very consciously that for the first time since the night she told me I was being given a choice.

I could choose to sprint or I could let Tess and that guy and all the demons win, and I chose to sprint. I didnt even realize I had passed until we were being debriefed, but I was so happy that I had done what I did. I felt that every step I was taking was a slap in their face. 

One year ago this month I had decided to commit to being a SEAL. And when Dock Hooks (The ex seal commander in charge of testing us) told me to meet him back at the Y to sign the papers it felt unreal. A pretty big pill to swallow, its still hard to believe. 

This is where it darkens. As soon as I was finished I called my Dad to tell him. I told him we should go celebrate at Inakaya (this amazing Japanese restaurant) and for him to meet me there. He said that he cant drive, and that his motor skills have not returned and if anything gotten worse. He is at the point where he cant write.

Since being told weeks ago that he was being treated and improving and that it was curable, I have allowed myself to commit to trying to deal with the Tess thing...I havent been there to check on him because Mom has been telling me he was fine. I realize now she must have been blurring the truth because they knew what I was going through, but its rough. 

I did call Tess after him though. As soon as I got her on the phone I said "Baby, I passed" and we both started crying. Ive never ever understood tears of joy or anything until now, but both of us knowing that I have a future (Despite my knee) and that she didnt break me was a huge relief for me, surely her as well. I truly regret her not being here for this. She stood by and supported me so much through this struggle (until the end) that I wanted her to be there for the win. 

All day yesterday Ive been on a rollercoaster ride of emotion. I'm happy for the pass, I get worried about my dad, I get sad about whats happened, I get angry at the motherfucker who gave Tess the STD, I get angry at Tess, I miss Tess, I feel lonely...all over the place. I woke up at 3:30 and I just keep reliving every little thing over and over.


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## cataclysm_child (Sep 16, 2009)

This would be a good movie. Wish I could just fast forward to the happy ending though


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## sixtonoize (Sep 16, 2009)

Fucking brutal read.

I can't imagine going through all of that in such a short span of time.
It's good that you're still kicking ass.

Congrats on passing the SEAL exam.


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## Tiger (Sep 16, 2009)

Thanks.



cataclysm_child said:


> This would be a good movie. Wish I could just fast forward to the happy ending though



Well the movie part of it is how it all started. I need to write it out at some point.

It was a cross country journey where we will in love and the Hell's Angels paid for us to be together...thats as short as I can make it.


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