# Terrible Pun Thread



## bostjan (Sep 8, 2017)

Following my pattern of posting subpar threads and letting you guys make them good:

Post your dad jokes here. No neg repping for bad puns. Please only respond to a bad pun with another bad pun.

I'll start:

"Headline news - the Duck Enforcement Agency is quacking down on the oviod epidemic."


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## TedEH (Sep 8, 2017)

There are no hipster figure skaters- you can't be on the ice before it's cool.


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## TedEH (Sep 8, 2017)

Also, I am jealous of my calendar. It gets all the dates.


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## smokiekouki (Sep 8, 2017)

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.


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## chassless (Sep 8, 2017)

oh my god i love puns! they are so *PUNNY!!!!*


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## smokiekouki (Sep 8, 2017)

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. 

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. 

He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."


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## smokiekouki (Sep 8, 2017)

The high priest was arrested on drug charges.


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## bostjan (Sep 8, 2017)

smokiekouki said:


> The high priest was arrested on drug charges.


Reminds me of garden path sentences, like:
*Mary gave the child the dog bit a bandaid.*
You might have to read that twice for it to make sense. 
Here are a couple more jokey ones (care of Groucho Marx):
_*Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.*_
_*Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.*_


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## takotakumi (Sep 8, 2017)

Fantastic Thread!

This is a pun but also a story:
We were at this bar with my roomate and there was this couple and their friend talking.
Eventually they got loud so we overheard the conversation. The couple was arguing that
The boyfriend used to be into horses and did racing and all that stuff. He had so many 
equipment and trophies that were talking so much space in the house. After much nagging
from the girl, the guy ended up having to dispose all of that. Apparently the girlfriend
hated talking about that so they started leaving.

As they passed by us, my roomate tells the guy just as he is about to exit:
"I guess she wasn't horsing around"


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## bpprox22 (Sep 8, 2017)

What do you call it when I ask the Subway worker a question about their subs? A subquery


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## takotakumi (Sep 8, 2017)

This was from a standup on NYC couple of weeks ago, NO ONE got it I got so mad hahaha

"I wanted to get into the IT business....so I became a server"


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## bostjan (Sep 8, 2017)

bpprox22 said:


> What do you call it when I ask the Subway worker a question about their subs? A subquery








I actually have the above t shirt and I change into it gleefully every time my wife wants Subway. Most of the workers there have loved it, but some have responded less giddily.

Here's another corny one:
A woman is just getting out of the shower when she hears the doorbell. She calls "Who is it?" and the man responds "Just the blind guy!" She stops for a moment and thinks, well, whoever this is, if he's blind, certainly I don't have to get dressed. So she opens the door and the man says "Whoah! Hi there! ... Umm, excuse me ma'am, umm, so... where did you want me to install these blinds?"


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## Steinmetzify (Sep 8, 2017)

Whaddaya mean it's not a bear?

It has all the koalifications...

Aim for the stars! But first take care of the bodyguards..

Your calendar's days are numbered....

All of Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses...

Jumping off a Paris bridge makes you in Seine...

I would like to make a pun about philosophy, but I Kant...


If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up....they would be alloys.

You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart....


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## DistinguishedPapyrus (Sep 8, 2017)

Someone says to you, "you can't walk on that with your bare feet!!!"

You respond "but I don't have bear feet, I have people feet!"


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## boozeislove (Sep 9, 2017)

DistinguishedPapyrus said:


> Someone says to you, "you can't walk on that with your bare feet!!!"
> 
> You respond "but I don't have bear feet, I have people feet!"


I'll kill you with my bear hands for that


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## DistinguishedPapyrus (Sep 9, 2017)

boozeislove said:


> I'll kill you with my bear hands for that



...  but you don't have bear hands, you have people hands...


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## MFB (Sep 10, 2017)

DistinguishedPapyrus said:


> ...  but you don't have bear hands, you have people hands...



Did you just assume his hand's species?


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## narad (Sep 10, 2017)

"My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta."


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## boozeislove (Sep 10, 2017)

MFB said:


> Did you just assume his hand's species?


Theres nothing punny about your post!


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## takotakumi (Sep 11, 2017)

Classic



received_10154639483657181 by Takumi Inamoto, on Flickr


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## TedEH (Sep 11, 2017)

So much talk on this forum about vegetarianism lately.
I think it's a huge missed steak.


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## takotakumi (Sep 26, 2017)




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## TimSE (Sep 26, 2017)

^ that was fan_tache_tic...


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## inaudio (Sep 26, 2017)

I moustache you guys a question but I'm shaving it for later.


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## Science_Penguin (Sep 26, 2017)

A set of jumper cables walked into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says "Alright, alright, I'll serve ya. Just don't start anything!"


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## bostjan (Sep 27, 2017)

A group of guys beat up a rope, tie him in a knot, and then stomp all over him, until he's in tatters, then leave him on the ground, injured. Another man walks by and shudders, "Whoah! Have you had a look at yourself?" And the rope says "I'm afraid not" (a frayed knot).


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## Arkhanum (Sep 29, 2017)

http://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/04/27/lesbian-couple-tricked-flying-dubai-homophobic-father/

Rocks do beat scissors it seems.


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## marcwormjim (Sep 29, 2017)

I liked the above post because a Chilean guy read this story somewhere, imagined the girls scissoring, remembered that people get stoned to death in the Middle East, tenuously conceptualized a rock-paper-scissors analogy in English, then decided sevenstring.org was the place to share the fruits of that journey.


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## Arkhanum (Sep 30, 2017)

marcwormjim said:


> I liked the above post because a Chilean guy read this story somewhere, imagined the girls scissoring, remembered that people get stoned to death in the Middle East, tenuously conceptualized a rock-paper-scissors analogy in English, then decided sevenstring.org was the place to share the fruits of that journey.



Wasn´t that hard actually lol It was bad though hahaha


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## Science_Penguin (Sep 30, 2017)

Two antennae met on a rooftop, fell in love, and got married. The ceremony wasn't much... but the reception was amazing!


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## vansinn (Sep 30, 2017)

I'm an IT guy. Women loves IT guys.
Especially when we talk about mounting hard drives.


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## vansinn (Sep 30, 2017)

Dad and Tate went out fishing.
Dad came home, but without Tate.
Mom asked, "where's Tate".
Dad said, "Tate? Oh, I had no bait"


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## Science_Penguin (Sep 30, 2017)

vansinn said:


> Dad and Tate went out fishing.
> Dad came home, but without Tate.
> Mom asked, "where's Tate".
> Dad said, "Tate? Oh, I had no bait"



Dad used to be real good with bait. He used to practise all the time back in his youth, cause he wanted to be a master baiter. But then he met Mom, and there was no need to master bait.


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## Edika (Sep 30, 2017)

A neutron walks into a bar and asks for a drink. He asks "How much for the drink" and the barman replies "For you? No charge."


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## BrailleDecibel (Sep 30, 2017)

A horse walks into a bar and asks for a drink..."Why the long face?" asked the bartender, to which the horse replied "I was born with it!"



...I'll show myself out.


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## jaxadam (Sep 30, 2017)

Two atoms were walking down the street when one fell. The atom that fell said “I think I just lost an electron.” The other atom said “You sure?” and the first replied “I’m positive.”

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.

My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.


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## Ebony (Sep 30, 2017)

I hear there was an election in America recently. Apparently, one bad candidate trumped another.


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## vansinn (Oct 1, 2017)

Enter bar
Telnet barmaid
Signal connection
Connection closed
Flush stack >/dev/null
Enter sleep mode
Terminate, stay resident


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## vansinn (Oct 1, 2017)

Medicine has the most obnoxious names, so I invented a drug on my own.
Here's the advertising phrases (sound of soft female words):

Retardon - for you, who want to gear down
Retardon - when you really want to step out..


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## inaudio (Oct 1, 2017)

This isn't exactly a pun but it cracked me up. One of my gal-pal's kittens was on the litter box when another kitten scared him so that he ran off and pooped on the floor. Poor little guy literally had the crap scared out of him.


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## bostjan (Oct 2, 2017)

Not really a pun, but along the lines of "...walked into a bar..." jokes and science jokes, why not?

The neutrons say "Here ever were we notice even won't you. Through passing just we're, okay it's." The bartender says "We don't serve your types around here." Two neutrinos walk into a bar.

(This joke is sort of dense)

Two chemists walked into a bar. The first said "I would like an H2O." The second, rest his soul, said "I would like an H2O, too."

A Higgs Boson walks into a church and says "Wait, you can't have mass without me!"

In my opinion, absolute zero is just OK.



jaxadam said:


> Two atoms were walking down the street when one fell. The atom that fell said “I think I just lost an electron.” The other atom said “You sure?” and the first replied “I’m positive.”



He'd better keep an ion that.


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## vansinn (Oct 2, 2017)

Guitar player: Godz fck'n dammit, I always have problems with my G-string; never feels right between my fingers.
Girl friend: Oh baby, I know exactly how you feel..


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## Edika (Oct 2, 2017)

bostjan said:


> The neutrons say "Here ever were we notice even won't you. Through passing just we're, okay it's." The bartender says "We don't serve your types around here." Two neutrinos walk into a bar.
> 
> (This joke is sort of dense)



I don't get this one in the sense of why you're writing from the last sentence to the first and I assume that the first (or better yet last) neutrons are actually neutrinos. The bartender would have felt the neutrons passing through him that's for sure .
Even though neutrinos are subatomic particles and fermions, they don't have "time travelling" properties as tachyons are supposed to have with their theoretically calculated speed over the speed of light (I'm not sure if that was proven in a synchrotron) that would account from the reverse syntax. 

Anyway I think I ruined the joke enough for people that got it but didn't get it but I'm obviously missing some information that caused me to over analyse it.


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## Seybsnilksz (Oct 2, 2017)

Invisibility might be technically possible, but don't expect to see it anythime soon.


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## bostjan (Oct 3, 2017)

Edika said:


> I don't get this one in the sense of why you're writing from the last sentence to the first and I assume that the first (or better yet last) neutrons are actually neutrinos. The bartender would have felt the neutrons passing through him that's for sure .
> Even though neutrinos are subatomic particles and fermions, they don't have "time travelling" properties as tachyons are supposed to have with their theoretically calculated speed over the speed of light (I'm not sure if that was proven in a synchrotron) that would account from the reverse syntax.
> 
> Anyway I think I ruined the joke enough for people that got it but didn't get it but I'm obviously missing some information that caused me to over analyse it.



I guess I had not had enough coffee, and ruined the joke.

Well, controversially, neutrinos were measured to move faster than the speed of light. It proved to be a sort of mis-estimation of uncertainty, but, oddly, repeat experiments have shown neutrinos to move faster than light, but with a lot of caveats. 1. The amount faster is always inside of experimental uncertainty, but, looking at metadata, it does appear that it's consistently enough just north of light-speed that it leaves the measurement in a weird gray area. 2. Some results have been slower than light, but not as many measurements as such.

Ultimately, I guess, it's not really something people much talk about any more. Maybe neutrinos have some interesting small amount of negative mass or something. Most likely, the measurements are just not quite as precise as we think they are, and there's nothing really that interesting going on, though.


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## Discoqueen (Jan 2, 2018)

I'll needle little time to figure out how to contribute to this thread.


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## bostjan (Jan 4, 2018)

Where are there no ants in the Catholic church?



Spoiler



Because they are all in sects (insects)


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## Discoqueen (Jan 4, 2018)

bostjan said:


> Where are there no ants in the Catholic church?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I thought it'd be because they are ProtestANTs


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## Science_Penguin (Jan 4, 2018)

I got Tosin Abasi's autograph on an AAL CD a couple of weeks ago. All the letters were upside-down, a few of them were clearly from other alphabets, and somehow he wrote them all in the shape of a mobius strip.

When I asked him why, he told me "I like odd and challenging signatures."


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## narad (Jan 4, 2018)

Science_Penguin said:


> When I asked him why, he told me "I like odd and challenging signatures."



Not bad, not bad. Forgot which thread was open in this tab and thought I was just reading a legit story.


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## HerbalDude420 (Jan 5, 2018)

The store keeps calling me to come back, but all I wanted was one night-stand.


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## PunkBillCarson (Jan 5, 2018)

My NEIGHbor is a horse.


I'll see myself out...


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## Edika (Jan 5, 2018)

-What's that kitty doing on the photocopier?
-She's getting a cat-scan!

-How do you like your coffee?
- Me(with in Greek)-Shuggah!

I think I'll ban myself before the mods do!


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## MoonJelly (Jan 8, 2018)

I know I'm late with this one, but: 

Why serve Eggs Benedict on a hubcap?

Oh, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.


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## Unleash The Fury (Jan 8, 2018)

What did one wall say to the next?

Ill meet you at the corner


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## Church2224 (Jan 8, 2018)

I went to Seafood Disco last week, it sucked because I pulled a Muscle.

A jumper cable walks into a Bar. The Bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't you start anything!"

A dyslexic man walks into a Bra...

Two fish swim into a concrete wall, one turns to the other and says "DAM!"


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## Unleash The Fury (Jan 8, 2018)

All the papers on the desk were scattered so i said "whoa whoa whoa let me get these fax straight".


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## ElRay (Jan 8, 2018)

I really need this thread. I forgot to pay my exorcist, and I just found out I'm going to be repossessed.


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## ElRay (Jan 8, 2018)

marcwormjim said:


> I liked the above post because a Chilean guy read this story somewhere, imagined the girls scissoring, remembered that people get stoned to death in the Middle East, tenuously conceptualized a rock-paper-scissors analogy in English, then decided sevenstring.org was the place to share the fruits of that journey.



I worked with somebody in Afghanistan that referred to a German "LT Fürst" as "LT Awal" -- Fürst in German, sounds like the English word "first" and the Dari word for first is "awal". A Triple language pun.


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## ElRay (Jan 8, 2018)

BrailleDecibel said:


> A horse walks into a bar and asks for a drink..."Why the long face?" asked the bartender, to which the horse replied "I was born with it!"


A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!". The grasshopper said, "Oh, you have a drink named Melvin?".


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## ElRay (Jan 8, 2018)

vansinn said:


> I'm an IT guy. Women loves IT guys.
> Especially when we talk about mounting hard drives.


Yes. Yes. Give the pitches the V. Pitches love vibrato.


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## ElRay (Jan 8, 2018)

bostjan said:


> A group of guys beat up a rope, tie him in a knot, and then stomp all over him, until he's in tatters, then leave him on the ground, injured. Another man walks by and shudders, "Whoah! Have you had a look at yourself?" And the rope says "I'm afraid not" (a frayed knot).



Three ropes were lost in the desert when they found a small town. The only place to get a drink was the local saloon. Unfortunately, there was a sign on the door that said, "No Ropes Allowed.". The first rope went in, and the Bartender promptly said, "Hey, no ropes allowed, and threw him out." The second rope said, "You have to show them who's boss." (he was a bigger 1" rope). The second rope went in, slammed his head on the bar and said, "Bartender, give me a drink!". The Bartender just coiled him up and threw him out. The Third rope, was a bit meeker than the other two. So, he tied himself into a little bow, combed the tassel at his end, walked in to the bar and sat patiently on a stool. The bartended eventually came to him as took the rope's order. The bartender was about to serve the drink, and ask, "You're not a rope, are you?". The third rope replied, "Nope, I'm afraid not."


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## narad (Jan 8, 2018)

This in not a pun per se, but this is maybe my favorite joke-telling ever -- seems to fit the general atmosphere here:


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## DudeManBrother (Jan 8, 2018)

What did the custodian say when he jumped out of the Janitor’s closet?




Supplies!!!!!!


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## bostjan (Jan 9, 2018)

When CS Lewis was writing his book, someone asked what it was about, and he said "Narnia business."

Did you ever hear about the silk worm race? It ended in a tie.

Sex on an elevator is wrong on many levels.

My friend got a doctor to agree to do a brain transplant on him. Halfway through the surgery, the doctor changed his mind.

Cemetery plots are the last thing you should invest in.


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## ElRay (Jan 11, 2018)

Just to keep everybody updates, I picked up some batteries really cheaply. They were free of charge.


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## ElRay (Jan 11, 2018)

narad said:


> This in not a pun per se, but this is maybe my favorite joke-telling ever -- seems to fit the general atmosphere here:



Ronnie Corbet (of The Two Ronnies) used to do stuff like this. He'd be sitting in a huge wing-back chair and take five minutes to ramble through a loosely connected story that would end in a horribly simple punchline.


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## narad (Jan 11, 2018)

ElRay said:


> Ronnie Corbet (of The Two Ronnies) used to do stuff like this. He'd be sitting in a huge wing-back chair and take five minutes to ramble through a loosely connected story that would end in a horribly simple punchline.



Yea, these are sometimes referred to as "shaggy dog stories." It's important to be unaware you're listening to one though, so I can't seek them out.


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## ElRay (Jan 11, 2018)

narad said:


> ... "shaggy dog stories." ...


Totally forgot that term. I've crossed that age threshold where I've forgotten more than I currently remember.


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## Ebony (Jan 11, 2018)

I tried befriending a bunch of militant vegans, but they didn't give a rat's ass about me.

An earthquake just hit my local cemetery. Many sustained grave injuries.


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## Genome (Jan 12, 2018)

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre, so the barman gives her one


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## StevenC (Jan 13, 2018)

It's only a murder of crows if there's probable caws


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## neotronic (Jan 18, 2018)

vansinn said:


> Enter bar
> Telnet barmaid
> Signal connection
> Connection closed
> ...


Seeing your joke, I think you might get the pun of this oldie:
unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep


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## Seybsnilksz (Jan 19, 2018)

Posted this in another joke thread two years ago:

Why don't more people live in Norway?
They can't afjord it.


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## ElRay (Jan 20, 2018)

I’m at my kids’ music lessons. There was talk of a piano dropped down a mine shaft. The result was a flat miner.


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## ElRay (Jan 20, 2018)

Not truly a pun, but in the vein of bad dad jokes:

Q: What do you call two young violinists playing in unison?

A:


Spoiler



A minor 2nd




I’m glad my kids play flute and guitar


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## TedEH (Jan 22, 2018)

ElRay said:


> There was talk of a piano dropped down a mine shaft.


Not a pun, but-

I was walking down the street the other day and came across a piano smashed on the side of the road. Naturally, my instinct was to look up, since it must have been dropped there because we live in a cartoon.


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## Seybsnilksz (Feb 9, 2018)

Some guy dropped a box with german sausages on me yesterday. Talk about wurst case scenario.


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## Seybsnilksz (Feb 18, 2018)

You want terrible pun? In spite of valentines day I made this one up, although it must exist already:

What do you call it when a couple takes a trip in a hot air balloon?

An update.


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## shadscbr (Feb 19, 2018)

A friend asked if I wanted my 80's hairstyle back, I said i'd mullet over


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## narad (Mar 8, 2018)

Stumbled upon a bit of a double dip today:

https://imgur.com/gallery/PimcI


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## ElRay (Mar 8, 2018)

narad said:


> Stumbled upon a bit of a double dip today:
> 
> https://imgur.com/gallery/PimcI



Well, that one struck a chord with me.


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## DudeManBrother (Mar 13, 2018)

Check out the origami porn channel... It’s paper view only


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## takotakumi (Mar 29, 2018)

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...


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## ElRay (Mar 29, 2018)

Hey. There’s Korean religious dance troop touring. It’s called: “Sole to Soul to Seoul”


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## bostjan (Mar 29, 2018)

John Banjo-v


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## narad (Mar 29, 2018)

bostjan said:


> John Banjo-v



Urgghhhhh....FINE!


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## narad (Mar 30, 2018)

Anything from the guitar world that can top this classic?:


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## Seybsnilksz (Mar 31, 2018)

That's llame


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## ElRay (Mar 31, 2018)

Seybsnilksz said:


> That's llame


I've let it stew since it was posted, and I still don't get the original.  Your one-off I get


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## Edika (Apr 1, 2018)

ElRay said:


> I've let it stew since it was posted, and I still don't get the original.  Your one-off I get



I think this was going for a word play on Dalai Lama. The original I mean.


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## ElRay (Apr 1, 2018)

Edika said:


> I think this was going for a word play on Dalai Lama. The original I mean.


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## Edika (Apr 1, 2018)

It is the terrible pun thread after all. Even though a lot of them are not that terrible to my eyes .


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## ElRay (Apr 3, 2018)

Edika said:


> It is the terrible pun thread after all. Even though a lot of them are not that terrible to my eyes .


It'as like my kids say, "Dad jokes are supposed to be bad, so, if they're actually funny, then they're bad Dad Jokes (TM)."


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## Seybsnilksz (Apr 11, 2018)

Made this one up:

What do you call it when two microphones listen to emo?
Phase alignment.


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I just can't stand sitting.


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

What is discrete mathematics and what are they trying to hide?


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I bought polarized glasses to reduce glare, but why do people still look at me disapprovingly when I make a dank pun?


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I keep hearing about lawyers working pro-bono.
Are there any lawyers out there that work anti-Bono that I can use to sue the band U2?


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

If my blood type is B positive, why do I still feel sad inside?


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I fell asleep on a bad Memory Foam mattress.
Now I can't stop dreaming about horrible things from the past.


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I went to an Old Country Buffet, but wasn't in the mood to eat Burma, Czechoslovakia, Rhodesia, or Siam.
I should add that Texas did not look appetizing at all


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I went to Greece and now I slip and slide all over the place.


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I canceled my subscription from Time. Now, it is always Monday.


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

30 Seconds to Mars is really fast if you think about it.


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Why do people rub Polish all over their possessions. Isn't that a violation of human rights?


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I'll never forgive myself for never telling a customer in the doors/windows section of Home Depot, "If you're not window shopping, let me show you the door."


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Just because you’re trash doesn’t mean you can’t do great things. It’s called garbage can, not garbage cannot.


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Do math majors in college graduate with a degree or with a radian?


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Would you happen to know where I can go to actually cash reality checks?


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## Andrew Lloyd Webber (Apr 23, 2018)

New favorite poster.


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## bostjan (Apr 23, 2018)

johnucol said:


> I'll never forgive myself for never telling a customer in the doors/windows section of Home Depot, "If you're not window shopping, let me show you the door...and then I'll help you out!"


FTFY


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Can I use the equation y=mx+b to measure the slope of how downhill life is going?


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

When Windows freezes, will unplugging the computer fans help it thaw out?


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I've been to every pet store, but I simply can't find a peeve anywhere. Where is everyone else getting theirs?


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I'm in my 20's and I still have my kidneys. When will my adultneys develop?


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

How did the Goths sack Rome if all they did is hang out in my old high school's cafeteria and play moody droning music?


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I hit the gym, now it's pressing charges for assault. Any legal advice?


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

If you put Adderall in orange juice, does it increase its concentrate?


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

The hospital person said they couldn't see me without an appointment, but I can see myself just fine. whose eyes are bad?


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

It is often believed that the English language follows the rule "I before E except after C." However, science has proven otherwise.


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I accidentally sold my Seoul to the devil and now the South Korean economy is collapsing. Help.


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Curiosity killed The Cat. Curiosity's parents ignored the warning signs. Curiosity grew up to be a serial killer.


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I broke my good China and now >1 billion people are dead.


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I'm walking on sunshine AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHH IT BURNS.


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I played a C Flat chord on my guitar and now I can only see in 2 dimensions.


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

What if I was cursed to speak only in hypothetical statements?


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I followed my dream; now it's pressing charges for stalking.


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## John (Apr 23, 2018)

My next door neighbor shouted 'I know you are, but what am I?' during an argument. How do I help him through the existential crisis that followed?


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I made a mean cheesecake, but now it won't stop insulting everyone.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

If Dwayne Johnson is studying his family history, is it called genealogy or geology?


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I bought a "Smart" TV, but it's still able to show episodes of American Idol and Family Guy. Why isn't it working? I need a refund.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Back in science class, the teachers said that microwaves are invisible but I can still see them in my kitchen. Am I a genetically engineered superhuman?


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I recently had my appendix removed. Will this cause more strain on my glossary and index?


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

My doctor said he's been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?


----------



## bostjan (Apr 23, 2018)

johnucol said:


> What if I was cursed to speak only in hypothetical statements?


Kind of an ironic statement, but it reminds me of the paradox: What if Pinocchio said "Look guys, my nose is going to grow now!", what would happen?


johnucol said:


> My doctor said he's been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?


Hey, if you want to be a doctor, it takes a long time, so you need a lot of patients.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I knew this guy who was a judge and a part-time musician. When I first heard him play a song, I was hooked, as it was a fantastic cover of a tune I particularly enjoyed. Because of this, I decided to hire him for a big event I was hosting. However, when the event happened, I discovered that the rest of his music was absolutely terrible. Thus I learned the lesson: Never book a judge by his cover.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

They say that "History is written by the Victors," but I went to school with a guy named Victor and he knew absolutely nothing about history.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Since Disney now owns the Alien franchise, does that mean that the Xenomorph Queen is a Disney princess?


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Did you hear about the guy who got fired from a keyboard factory because he wasn't putting in enough shifts?


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I knew a guy who got arrested for stealing kitchen utensils from the restaurant where he worked. When I asked him why he did that, he said that it was a whisk he was willing to take.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

What's a pirate's least favorite letter?

"To Whom it May Concern:

We are terminating your internet service due to numerous copyright violations."


----------



## bostjan (Apr 23, 2018)

johnucol said:


> They say that "History is written by the Victors," but I went to school with a guy named Victor and he knew absolutely nothing about history.


That explains the US education system. 



johnucol said:


> I knew this guy who was a judge and a part-time musician. When I first heard him play a song, I was hooked, as it was a fantastic cover of a tune I particularly enjoyed. Because of this, I decided to hire him for a big event I was hosting. However, when the event happened, I discovered that the rest of his music was absolutely terrible. Thus I learned the lesson: Never book a judge by his cover.



That's great! I'm definitely going to repeat that one some day.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

bostjan said:


> That explains the US education system.



This is supposed to be a pun thread, not a "statements that are way too real" thread.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, and a ban from the local zoo.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Once upon a time there were three kingdoms that had been fighting over an island in the middle of a lake. One day, they decided to end the conflict, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons.
The second kingdom was not so wealthy and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner.
The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor.
The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had partied a bit too much and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle went on for a long time, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, victorious.
All this just goes to show that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I have a friend who's afraid of ornate buildings. It's a complex complex complex.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

What do you call a cult that is hard to join?

Difficult.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Don't join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Three Unwritten Rules of Life:

1)

2)

3)


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I sparred against another black belt at Taekwondo, earlier. My next challenger is a green sock.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Algebra is much less challenging when you use Roman numerals - X is always 10.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Is a group of 8 hobbits referred to as a hobbyte?


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Buying two dozen watermelons and eating 15 of them isn't normal.

But on math it is.

Math: Not even once.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One of them is really heavy. The other is a little lighter.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Job Interview Pro Tip:
Don't refer to yourself as an applicant: refer to your self as an appliCAN.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

-"Could you please call me a taxi?"

-"You're a taxi."


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

If you're ever attacked by a gang of clowns, go for the juggler.


----------



## ElRay (Apr 23, 2018)

johnucol said:


> I keep hearing about lawyers working pro-bono.
> Are there any lawyers out there that work anti-Bono that I can use to sue the band U2?


Sorry. It's won't work. Their legal defense fund is inexhaustible because their work is all pro-Bono.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Velociraptor = Distraptor / Timeraptor


----------



## ElRay (Apr 23, 2018)

johnucol said:


> If my blood type is B positive, why do I still feel sad inside?


I'm not saying my mom was tough, but she kept saying my blood type was B+ because I didn't work hard enough.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Give a man a fire and he'll be warm for a night. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

ElRay said:


> I'm not saying my mom was tough, but she kept saying my blood type was B+ because I didn't work hard enough.



Didn't get Type A+ on your blood test? Study harder next time, m8.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

If 666 is the number of the beast, then would .666 be the number of the millibeast? And 668 be the next door neighbor of the beast?


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I hope that one day, scientists will be able to cross-breed ants and ticks. These new creatures will undoubtedly be up to all sorts of antics.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

"When I was young, I was left an orphan."

"You were left an orphan? What did you do with it?"


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

To the person who created the concept of zero: Thanks for nothing.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Did you know...
That during the middle ages, serf music was popular?


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

My friend gave up identical twins for adoption. One went to an Egyptian family and they named him Amal. The other went to a Mexican family and they named him Juan. Years later my friend asked both families for pictures of them, but only got a picture of Juan and was kind of upset. I told him don't worry, they're twins. If you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

What rock group has four men that don't sing?

Mount Rushmore.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

What kind of fish is made of only two sodium atoms?

2 Na.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

Have you ever tried to eat an alarm clock? It's very time consuming.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

In France, they refer to will.i.am as will.je.suis, right?


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

A friend got hit in the head with a can of soda the other day. Fortunately it was a soft drink.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

I purchased a book of incantations recently, but it was useless; the author had failed to run a spell check.


----------



## John (Apr 23, 2018)

If you're bad at algebra, the answer to 2n + 2n must be 4n.


----------



## ElRay (Apr 23, 2018)

johnucol said:


> Didn't get Type A+ on your blood test? Study harder next time, m8.


I don't know. I stayed up all night studying for my urine test, and still pissed that one away.

Cardiology nearly gave me a heart attack, triaging mental health issues left me with PTSD and basic dentistry was like pulling teeth. I'd give-up and just be a pattern-maker, but I don't think I'm cut out for that either.


----------



## BenjaminW (Apr 24, 2018)

My friend's bakery burnt down today, I guess you could say his career was toast.


----------



## Konfyouzd (Apr 24, 2018)

So.... True story... 

I'm walking past the dog park the other day and this guy's dog's name is "Watson" . How do I know this?

He's screaming "Watson! Get over here!"

And my only thought was... If thats Watson I hope that doesn't make him Sherlock. He should have deduced by now that his methods are ineffective.


----------



## BenjaminW (Apr 24, 2018)

Change is always inevitable, except for in vending machines.


----------



## BenjaminW (Apr 24, 2018)

I was banker once, I quit because I lost interest.


----------



## John (Apr 24, 2018)

I started my pet bird on a Diet of Worms, and now it's trying to reform the Catholic Church.


----------



## John (Apr 24, 2018)

I cloned Beyoncé and now she is Beytwicé.


----------



## John (Apr 24, 2018)

I accidentally created a wormhole in my herb garden and now I am a thyme traveler.


----------



## John (Apr 24, 2018)

I started working out to build up muscle mass, now I'm so buff my body collapsed in on itself. I've become a black swole.


----------



## John (Apr 24, 2018)

I dropped the bass. Does the 5-second rule apply?


----------



## John (Apr 24, 2018)

I inherited ottoman from my grandma's house, doesn't go with my living room, won't stop pillaging west of the Mediterranean.


----------



## John (Apr 24, 2018)

Someone tried to cook a Well-Done steak, but it turned into an Ok-Job steak instead. How can you fix this?


----------



## John (Apr 24, 2018)

Use of pesticide has killed all the spelling bees. This isa bgi prolbem becuasw nowe uwwa j aowiaru fmamav sh.


----------



## John (Apr 24, 2018)

I was once told "flattery will get you nowhere", but I got careless and complimented someone on their haircut and now I've been ejected from space and time.


----------



## TedEH (Apr 24, 2018)

Breathe man, you don't have to tell EVERY JOKE at once.  There will always be more time for puns.

I kid though, I'm enjoying a fair number of these.


----------



## John (Apr 25, 2018)

TedEH said:


> Breathe man, you don't have to tell EVERY JOKE at once.  There will always be more time for puns.
> 
> I kid though, I'm enjoying a fair number of these.



That's just how I roll. I'm accustomed to spamming several in one go, much to the awe and chagrin of my friends.

Anyways, back to your regularly scheduled programming of spicy dank puns:

If a peregrine falcon has a top speed of 240mph when going for a dive, what is its top speed when going for just a swim?


----------



## John (Apr 25, 2018)

I ate a McDonald’s happy meal, but I still feel sad and miserable inside. Shouldn’t I sue for false advertising?


----------



## John (Apr 25, 2018)

My cat is in heat. I put her in the freezer for a couple of hours, but that just seemed to agitate her more. Is the next step dipping her in liquid nitrogen?


----------



## John (Apr 25, 2018)

My neighbor said that she's allergic to peanuts, but yesterday I saw her wearing a Charlie Brown t-shirt. Was she lying to me?


----------



## John (Apr 25, 2018)

Since sea cucumbers live in salt water shouldn't they be called sea pickles?


----------



## John (Apr 25, 2018)

johnucol said:


> Since sea cucumbers live in salt water shouldn't they be called sea pickles?



Na.


----------



## John (Apr 25, 2018)

I heard Mars has little to no atmosphere. Could we create an atmosphere by dimming the lights and playing smooth jazz?


----------



## John (Apr 25, 2018)

If light travels faster than the speed of sound, how come I can hear this guy in a Ford Mustang behind me honk before the light turns green?


----------



## John (Apr 25, 2018)

How many calories does my friend's girlfriend burn by jumping to conclusions?


----------



## John (Apr 25, 2018)

Is the ocean salty because the land doesn't wave back?


----------



## John (Apr 25, 2018)

At what point in a bobcat's life, as it grows and matures, does it prefer to be called a robertcat?


----------



## John (Apr 25, 2018)

This girl I like says she needs time and distance. Is she calculating velocity?


----------



## John (Apr 25, 2018)

Why are computers today only able to run Windows 10, when computers 20 years ago were able to run as high as Windows 98?


----------



## wedge_destroyer (Apr 29, 2018)

I got a new job at a bakery, it's perfect I can loaf around all day!


----------



## ElRay (Apr 30, 2018)

wedge_destroyer said:


> I got a new job at a bakery, it's perfect I can loaf around all day!


Don't get your hopes up, it will go stale sooner or later.


----------



## bostjan (Apr 30, 2018)

wedge_destroyer said:


> I got a new job at a bakery, it's perfect I can loaf around all day!


Aldough that joke was pretty funny, the pun in it is half baked. I little rye humour usually gets my spirits to rise. The yeast you could do would be to use a little more floury language.


----------



## John (Apr 30, 2018)

They said, "Let's meet up at you're place." Now I am place.

Help me, please.


----------



## John (Apr 30, 2018)

You've got a friend in me.

Please remove it and refrain from using me as storage from now on. Thank you.


----------



## John (May 8, 2018)

Tired of Country fried steak? 
Try:

-Djent fried steak
-Vaporwave fried steak
-Death metal fried steak
-12 tone serialism fried steak
-Jazz fried steak


----------



## bostjan (May 8, 2018)

Blackened metal fried steak?


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

My friend's wife keeps talking about things around their house that “should have happened already.” Is his wife a time traveler?


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

I was addicted to the Hokey Pokey but I managed to turn myself around.


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

I didn't like track because I used to have a fear of hurdles. Fortunately, I got over it.


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

Cleaning mirrors is a job I could really see myself doing.


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

The borders of Finland are Finnish lines, right?


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

Are people who play the organ called organizers?


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

If you made a belt out of watches, would it be a waist of time?


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

What was the sneakiest dinosaur?

The nobodysaurus.


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

What haunts furniture?

Upholstrygeists.


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

There was a guy who decided to cryogenically freeze himself to absolute zero. He's 0K now.


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

What chord do you get with you drop a piano on a military base?
A flat major


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

What's the integral of (1/cabin)d(cabin)?

A natural log cabin.


----------



## bostjan (May 9, 2018)

johnucol said:


> What's the integral of (1/cabin)d(cabin)?
> 
> A natural log cabin.


You forgot the arbitrary constant, assuming it's an indefinite integral. The correct answer should be natural log cabin plus C ... maybe a houseboat 

What do you get when you cross a guitar and a bass?
Guitar times bass sine theta

Our hats off to anyone who gets that one.

And anyone who gets that last joke...


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

I misheard "come back in due time" as "dew time" and arrived at a place where everything is mildly wet.


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

Take me down to the Paradox City where the grass is green and there is no grass


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

My peers in my community insisted that I "show my true colors" and so I decided to come out to them, but now they won't accept that I'm an ultraviolet beam of light and they keep saying that I'm "invisible" and "carcinogenic."


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

I got tired of people who can’t even, so I eliminated odds. Now I have a bunch of people who just can’t.


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

This mobius stripper will not stop giving me a lap dance.


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

My roommate made pasta and antipasta and mixed them together (stupid mistake). Anyway now we don't have an apartment.


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

I bought a one size fits all T shirt. All sentient life in the universe fit inside, but their combined mass created a black hole that subsequently destroyed the shirt. Is that covered under warranty?


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

Instead of a shipment of canned tuna, I got a shipment of can't tuna. I've been trying to get rid of it, but I'm unable to. 

Help me, please.


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

I set the volume of my TV too low and it collapsed into a black hole.


----------



## John (May 9, 2018)

I keep turning down the music, but it won't stop propositioning me.

Help me, please.


----------



## bostjan (May 10, 2018)

If I'm tuning down to zero hertz, should I use ibuprofen or something stronger?
A friend and I went to the tremolo bar, but it was a dive.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

If I changed my New Years resolution to HD, would the meaning of life become more clear?

Help me, please.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

Is "Fahrenheit 451" called "Celsius 232.778" in other countries?

Help me, please.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

I accidentally washed my wallet with my pants in the washing machine. How much jail time should I expect to serve for money laundering?

Help me, please.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

My doctor told me to change the dressing on my wounds, but he didn't specify if I should use ranch or balsamic vinaigrette.

Help me, please.


----------



## TedEH (May 10, 2018)

johnucol said:


> Help me, please.


I feel like I'm watching the tragic breakdown of a person whose only escape is puns.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

johnucol said:


> My doctor told me to change the dressing on my wounds, but he didn't specify if I should use ranch or balsamic vinaigrette.
> 
> Help me, please.




It was a stab wound, so I should use Caesar.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

TedEH said:


> I feel like I'm watching the tragic breakdown of a person whose only escape is puns.



That was not a pun, get that out of here.


Anyway, back to your regular scheduled programming:


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

I was once told that Death is the great equalizer, but it turns out it's a rather underwhelming EQ plugin.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)




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## John (May 10, 2018)




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## John (May 10, 2018)




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## John (May 10, 2018)




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## John (May 10, 2018)




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## John (May 10, 2018)




----------



## John (May 10, 2018)




----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

All I can say is, "All I can say is."


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)




----------



## John (May 10, 2018)




----------



## John (May 10, 2018)




----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

What a story, Mark.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)




----------



## John (May 10, 2018)




----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

At any moment, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is just a whim away... A whim away, a whim away, a whim away.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

If Shaquille O'Neal was a doctor, he'd be Shaquille O'Heal.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

If Shaquille O'Neal was captured by a cannibalistic tribe he would be Shaquille O'Meal.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

If Shaquille O'Neal was a banana, he'd be Shaquille O'Peel.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

If Shaquille O'Neal was a pig, he'd be Shaquille O'Squeal.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

If Shaquille O'Neal was shuffling cards, he'd be Shaquille O'Deal.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

If Shaquille O'Neal was a criminal, he'd be Shaquille O'Steal.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

If Shaquille O’Neal were Superman he’d be Shaquille Man O’Steel.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

If Shaquille O’neal had a series of misfortunes, he’d be Shaquille O’rdeal.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

If Shaquille O’neal were a boat, he’d be Shaquille O’keel.


----------



## bostjan (May 10, 2018)

Who would he be if he sang "A Kiss from a Rose?"
Who would he be if he sang "Stuck in the Middle with You?"
Who would he be if he was a baby cow slaughtered for the meat industry?


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

If Shaquille O’neal were religiously uncompromising, he’d be Shaquille O’zeal.


----------



## bostjan (May 10, 2018)

What if he was a long slender slimy fish?


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

bostjan said:


> Who would he be if he sang "A Kiss from a Rose?"
> Who would he be if he sand "Stuck in the Middle with You?"
> Who would he be if he was a baby cow slaughtered for the meat industry?



Shaquille O'Seal
Shaquille O'Stealer's Wheel
Shaquille O'veal


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

bostjan said:


> What if he was a long slender slimy fish?



Shaquille O'eel


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

If Shaquille O’Neal tried gymnastics, he'd be Shaquille O'cartwheel.


----------



## bostjan (May 10, 2018)

What if Michael Jordan was the head of a high security prison, what would his name be?
What if Dennis Rodman was four people?
What if Larry Bird was a large grouping of Buffalo?


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

bostjan said:


> What if Michael Jordan was the head of a high security prison, what would his name be?
> What if Dennis Rodman was four people?
> What if Larry Bird was a large grouping of Buffalo?



Michael Warden
Dennis Quadmen
Larry Herd


----------



## bostjan (May 10, 2018)

Sounds like we're half way to making an all new Dream Team.Dream Meme.


----------



## bostjan (May 10, 2018)

So, there was this French Cat, named "Un-Deux-Trois." One day Un-Deux-Trois fell in the Seine River, and was no more, because


Spoiler



Un-Deux-Trois Cat Sank (un deux trois quatre cinque)


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

bostjan said:


> Sounds like we're half way to making an all new Dream Team.Dream Meme.



Just need a fifth man, at the very least. Right?

If Stephen Curry was in a rush, he'd be Stephen Hurry.
If Stephen Curry was into yiffing, he'd be Stephen Furry.
Is Stephen Curry was stressed out, he'd be Stephen Worry.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first chemist says I'll have some H2O. The second says I'll have some H2O too. The second one dies, shortly after.


----------



## bostjan (May 10, 2018)

What if he was a light snowstorm?
What if he was a McDonald's ice cream treat?
What if he was a group of twelve men on the side of a courtroom?


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

bostjan said:


> What if he was a light snowstorm?
> What if he was a McDonald's ice cream treat?
> What if he was a group of twelve men on the side of a courtroom?



Stephen Flurry
Stephen McFlurry
Stephen Jury

if he was unclear, he'd be Stephen Blurry
if he was moving about in a rush, he'd be Stephen Scurry.


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)

Isn't H2O just short for, "HIJKLMNO?"


----------



## John (May 10, 2018)




----------



## John (May 10, 2018)




----------



## bostjan (May 11, 2018)

It's difficult for kleptomaniacs to enjoy puns -
They always _take_ the literal meaning.



johnucol said:


> Stephen Flurry
> Stephen McFlurry
> Stephen Jury
> 
> ...



Bonus question: What if he was a database search macro?


----------



## John (May 11, 2018)

bostjan said:


> It's difficult for kleptomaniacs to enjoy puns -
> They always _take_ the literal meaning.
> 
> 
> ...



What is Stephen Query?


----------



## John (May 11, 2018)




----------



## John (May 11, 2018)

Next time you're washing hands next to other people, cup your hands under the tap until the water overflows. Then look at them dramatically and say, "This water is getting out of hand."


----------



## John (May 11, 2018)




----------



## John (May 12, 2018)

"I can see for miles"

Said Miles's guide dog, quite unexpectedly.


----------



## John (May 12, 2018)

How do you fix a train that can't hear?

With an engineer.


----------



## John (May 12, 2018)

Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet and he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


----------



## John (May 12, 2018)

There were some friars behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from these holy men, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked them to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


----------



## John (May 12, 2018)

A short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


----------



## John (May 12, 2018)

I was walking through a quarry and said to the foreman, "That's a big rock!".

"Boulder", he replied.

So I puffed out my chest and shouted, *"Look at that enormous rock over there!*"


----------



## John (May 12, 2018)

I used to have a way with words just like you, but that was once a pun a time.


----------



## John (May 12, 2018)

I took the time to read Common Sense, and it was Paineful.


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## John (May 12, 2018)

Some people claim that organic chemistry is an incredibly difficult class; others say that the concepts are easy to grasp. It seems difficult to reconcile these two ideas, but maybe it has a split personality: parts of it are simple, and the parts are terribly complex. It would be like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Aldehyde.


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## John (May 12, 2018)

So I was trying to grow some tropical fruit, but I didn't have any luck. Then a friend came and helped me. With our abilities combined, we raised a bumper crop. Takes two to mango, I guess.


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## John (May 12, 2018)

Animals as Whatever.


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## John (May 12, 2018)

"Can you call me a taxi?"
"You're a taxi."


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## John (May 12, 2018)

I went to go visit a psychic, but I knocked over the crystal ball on accident.

Cost me a fortune.


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## John (May 12, 2018)

One of my friends wanted to get started playing some video games, and told me that he wants the Metal Gear Collection. I said, "_Solid_ choice."


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## John (May 12, 2018)

There was a camping store that had a seasonal sale at the end of the year. Their sign said, "Now is the winter of our discount tent."


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## John (May 12, 2018)

Animals as Whatever


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## John (May 12, 2018)




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## Edika (May 12, 2018)

Is this a sign if AI gone wild? Is johnucol the first punbot ever created?

If you're publishing all these puns does this make you the punblisher?


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## Edika (May 12, 2018)

The amount of puns written by johnucol are so vast by the time I was contemplating "how would Shaquille be called if he hyped certain guitar brands in guitar forums for profit?" he had increased this thread by two pages.


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## Edika (May 12, 2018)

I recently got a guitar case that stinks so bad and I can't get the smell out whatever I do. It also has aspiratikns of being a writer and gave me a manuscript to read.

Talk about a worst case scenario...


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## John (May 12, 2018)

Edika said:


> Is this a sign if AI gone wild? Is johnucol the first punbot ever created?
> 
> If you're publishing all these puns does this make you the punblisher?



The *Punisher, get it right.

Also, mentioning multiple puns at a time is just part of my style m8.


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## Edika (May 12, 2018)

But if it was punisher it wouldn't be a terrible pun :-D. Well it would be still and that is what I originally thought of writing but it was just too straightforward.

Plus I'm still not convinced you're not a punbot. A.I. has advanved a great deal the last few years.


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## John (May 12, 2018)

Edika said:


> it wouldn't be a terrible pun.



*Pundit. There, happy now?


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## John (May 12, 2018)

If Shaquille O'Neal was hiding, he would be Shaquille O'conceal.


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## ElRay (May 13, 2018)

bostjan said:


> Blackened metal fried steak?


Blackened Fried Metal Steak - /r/dontdeadopeninside


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## John (May 13, 2018)

7 days without a pun makes one weak.


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## John (May 13, 2018)

If Nicolas Cage was angry, he'd be Nicolas Rage.


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## John (May 13, 2018)

If Nicolas Cage was a wise man, he'd be Nicolas Sage.


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## John (May 13, 2018)

If Nicolas Cage was a magician, he'd be Nicolas Mage.


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## Andrew Lloyd Webber (May 13, 2018)

johnucol said:


>



He looks like he just noticed room to stamp his signature.


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## BenjaminW (May 14, 2018)

Well. I for one, like Roman numerals.


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## John (May 15, 2018)

Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your Microsoft product.


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## John (May 15, 2018)

What do you call a destroyed angle?

A Rekt-angle


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## John (May 15, 2018)

Two boll weevils grew up in a field. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the field and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


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## John (May 15, 2018)

A prominent orchestra was about to perform Beethoven's Ninth Symphony outdoors, in a park. It was a bit windy that day, so the sheet music, including the conductor's score, had to be tied down to the stands to keep it from blowing away. 

Beethoven's Ninth requires a choir as well an an orchestra, but the choir only sings in the fourth movement. Most of the singers just sat in the audience and listened to the orchestra play the first three movements before it was time for them to go onstage. Unfortunately, the basses decided to sneak off to a bar for a several drinks. When it was time to start the fourth movement of the symphony, they were all still in the bar, by now quite sloshed. 

The conductor faced a difficult situation. It was the bottom of the Ninth, with the score tied and the basses loaded.


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## John (May 15, 2018)

I gave some adderall to a Ford Fiesta, and now it's a Ford Focus.


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## ElRay (May 17, 2018)

I fell asleep while playing video games with the kids. Best sleep I’ve had in a Fortnight.


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## ElRay (May 17, 2018)

bostjan said:


> What do you get when you cross a guitar and a bass?
> Guitar times bass sine theta


What do you get when you. Cross a rock climber and a bass player?

You can’t — one of them is a scalar


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## bostjan (May 17, 2018)

ElRay said:


> What do you get when you. Cross a rock climber and a bass player?
> 
> You can’t — one of them is a scalar


One is a scalar and the other is Vector Wooten.


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## John (May 24, 2018)

Why don't lead guitar players get heavy metal poisoning?


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## John (May 24, 2018)

Why is every season named after a coil of metal except for summer, fall and winter?


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## ElRay (May 24, 2018)

I just got back from an amusement park. One ride oscillated so much it hertz.


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## ElRay (May 28, 2018)

TIFU: I made a pun about Communism, but then I realized not everybody got it equally.


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## John (Jun 1, 2018)

What do you call a weird shaped vegetable that affects a large frequency band?

A wide Q cumber.


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## John (Jun 2, 2018)

I got drunk last night and lost my id at the bars. I just woke up, and now I have no instinctual drive for immediate gratification.


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## John (Jun 5, 2018)

30 Seconds to Mars is really fast, if you think about it.


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## bostjan (Jun 5, 2018)

johnucol said:


> 30 Seconds to Mars is really fast, if you think about it.


About 9 1/2 times the speed of light.


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## bostjan (Jun 6, 2018)

A woman was taking a shower when she heard the doorbell. She thought she’d just pretend not to be home but then the ringer called, “Hello? Anybody home? I’m the blind guy!”

“Ah well, if he is blind I can go and open the door just like this. No need to dress.” thought the lady, stepped out of the shower and went to open the door.

“Wow,” said the guy waiting there, “you should be on a fitness studio advertisement! Now, where should I put these blinds?”


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## bostjan (Jun 7, 2018)

There once was a man from Japan
Whose limmericks never did scan
When asked why this was
He said "It's because
I always start off great but then I try to rush and fit in as many words in the last line as I possibly can!" (inhales)

There was this man from Ecuador
Whose limmericks stopped at line four,
When asked why this was,
He said "I don't know."

There was a young man from Tyree,
Whose limericks stopped at line three,
A bit like this one.

There was a young man from Peru,
Whose limericks stopped at line two.

There was a young man from Verdun.

---------------------------------------------

This young man decided to take his girlfriend to prom. He went to rent a tux, but there was a long line at the tailor's shop. Eventually he got his tux, though, and went to the florist to get his sweetheart a corsage, but there was a long line there as well. When he finally left the shop, he went to go rent a limo, and there was a long wait there, too. After all day waiting in line, he picked up his girlfriend and when they got to prom, she asked him for a drink, and, surprisingly, this story has no punch line.

---------------------------------------------

I've developed a nasty habit of drinking brake fluid, but I can stop any time I want.


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## John (Jul 25, 2018)

I was able to learn JavaScript, but where can I learn more about LatteScript, EspressoScript, or even CappuccinoScript?


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## ElRay (Jul 26, 2018)

Took the kids to the HS orientation. The F.O. (Freshman Offspring) said that they liked the band flyers with the pictures of those big metal disk things. I asked, “Why?” and was told, “They’re good symbols for a band.”


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## ElRay (Aug 7, 2018)

We had a BBQ this weekend. Somebody doubled up on spoons instead of getting one box of each. Half way through the party, I had to tell everybody I had no more forks to give.


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## bostjan (Aug 7, 2018)

ElRay said:


> Took the kids to the HS orientation. The F.O. (Freshman Offspring) said that they liked the band flyers with the pictures of those big metal disk things. I asked, “Why?” and was told, “They’re good symbols for a band.”



When I was first getting started with my first band, I remember that the singer saw a photo of John Bonham with the interlocking rings on the outside head of his bass drum, and told our drummer that he should get some sort of a symbol on his bass drum as well, so, of course, he took one of his crashes off the stand and duct taped it to the front of the kick drum before we came back the following week.


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## John (Aug 9, 2018)

Is a seal just a sea lion without the electrical charge?


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## John (Aug 9, 2018)

If I'm about to get hit by a cab, but then I jump out of the way, is that taxi evasion?


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## John (Aug 9, 2018)

Do carbon monoxide detectors constantly beep in Colorado? Surely it's surrounded by CO, there.


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## IGC (Aug 11, 2018)

I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.


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## narad (Aug 12, 2018)




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## John (Aug 13, 2018)

If I put my liquid assets and frozen assets in the same bank account, is that how I make a slush fund?


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## John (Aug 13, 2018)

My conditioner bottle says it helps increase the volume of my hair. But even after weeks of use, my hair is completely silent. Should I switch brands?


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## John (Aug 13, 2018)

If matter isn't able to travel at the speed of light, then how do boats and ships travel at c?


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## John (Aug 17, 2018)

I tried radioactive dating, but my potential partner decayed before I could get to first base.


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## John (Aug 17, 2018)

I bought some balloons for 99 cents. How much should I sell them for, when I adjust for inflation?


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## John (Aug 17, 2018)

I erroneously judged a book by its cover; now it's very upset, and it won't talk to me as it thinks I'm disapproving.


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## John (Aug 17, 2018)

I fell for some click-bait and now I'm stuck in an aquarium with seven fish you won't believe are here! This click fisherman is brutal, other click fisherman hate him!


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## John (Aug 17, 2018)

I was told to be the change I want to see in this world. Now I'm just coins of various denominations worth a total of 72 cents.


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## John (Aug 17, 2018)

I decided to develop a more positive outlook, but now I'm magnetically repelling optimistic individuals. How do I solve this?


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