# Funny fart stories?



## Cabinet (Sep 28, 2012)

i bet you guys here have some really really funny fart stories. i love fart stories. they bring me much joy.

so yesterday i had a protein shake and had been drinking milk all day, so i was farting every 10 minutes for a few hours. my sister was a total trooper, and just sat through it while on her laptop.
i go up to her and i'm like "hey wanna see something cool" and she's like "oh my fucking god are you going to fart again that's so gross"
so i do this awesome cartwheel and in the middle of the air i let out this really huge fart that i had been saving up for 20 minutes after finishing this cheese pizza, it was so huge that i swear i could feel the gas leave a half moon crescent trail in the air.


----------



## poopyalligator (Sep 28, 2012)

Hahaha Great thread.

So one day my friends, his girlfriend, my brother, and I were all sitting down and playing phase 10. While we were playing my brother let out the loudest fart I have ever heard from a human being. So were all dying in laughter at this fart. This was the first time we were meeting my friends new gf (now wife) so he didn't want to make a bad first impression. So he says in all seriousness "I meant it to be silent" and we all bursted out in laughter for like 5 minutes straight. It was one of those moments that if you were there you would realize how insanely funny it was

There was also another time when I was in 3rd grade I had to fart really bad. We had a guest reader that day, and they were reading some sort of story. So I got up because I was going to ask the teacher if I could go to the bathroom, and then I busted a huge fart and said nevermind. I wonder if she thought it was pre-meditated? lol


----------



## Curt (Sep 28, 2012)

only one I have is from my junior year(4 years ago). We were doing crunches in adv phys ed, and I had taco bell for lunch which spelled trouble for anyone down wind... Well, my buddy, Lucas was about 2ft from me with my ass pointing in the direction of his face(crowded weight-rooms FTL). But every other crunch, I would rip the nastiest, smelliest fart. laughing the whole way. bless him for not decking me for that one.


----------



## poopyalligator (Sep 28, 2012)

Curt said:


> only one I have is from my junior year(4 years ago). We were doing crunches in adv phys ed, and I had taco bell for lunch which spelled trouble for anyone down wind... Well, my buddy, Lucas was about 2ft from me with my ass pointing in the direction of his face(crowded weight-rooms FTL). But every other crunch, I would rip the nastiest, smelliest fart. laughing the whole way. bless him for not decking me for that one.



Hahaha dude, that was like the funniest thing ever in gym class. I can't tell you how much laughter would ensue when we were doing crunches lol.


----------



## Cabinet (Sep 28, 2012)

this one time i was hanging out at my friend's with some other people playing on his xbox, and that night he had this girl over at his place and he was doing her in the other room. he comes out half an hour later all sweaty with this big grin on his face and lets out this huuuge nasty wet fart. we all just look at him and he starts laughing and then we all burst out laughing.

then he goes back in and we notice he left like, this little hershey's kiss on the rug with a little peanut in it, it was so nasty and we didn't want to touch it so we left it there. he comes back out when he's done and sees it and he's like WHO THE HELL SHAT ON MY RUG and one guy was like dude it was totally you and we're all freaking out and i was like I SAW YOU EATING PEANUTS TODAY, MAN! I FUCKING SAW IT!


----------



## TomParenteau (Sep 28, 2012)

My friend was driving his car with his girlfriend in it. He let a nasty silent fart. His girlfriend says, "Eeeeww! What's that smell?"

My buddy says, "It's something outside. Roll your window up."


----------



## flexkill (Sep 28, 2012)

Back in the day when people still carried beepers haha. I used to work with a Stone Mason down in the Quarter in New Orleans. He had this old F150 with a bench seat in it. I ripped one so hard it vibrated the bench seat and dude started checking his beeper !! LMAO!! We laughed all day about that one.


----------



## liamh (Sep 28, 2012)

Eww.


----------



## Luke Acacia (Sep 28, 2012)

This is more of a poo story.

When I was living out of home with 2 friends we were all having beers on the deck being loud and making bbq. One of our guests came onto the deck and told us that there was an ungodly sized poo in the toilet and he didnt want to flush it without us all seeing it.
After we all checked out the sight it was then upto us to figure out who had done it.
In the end it was our female housemate who was about 5'1 size 0. She was this tiny little cute thing and she kept denying it until we broke her and she ran out of the house crying and screaming.
We were such good people.


----------



## Riffer (Sep 28, 2012)

I highly approve of this thread.


----------



## SuperMutant (Sep 28, 2012)

I got two, one summer with my entire family in north carolina we were sleeping in my uncles brothers camper (my whole family and uncles family) and at 1 in the morning he farted for exactly 17 seconds nonstop and smelled up the whole camper and everyone including me ran out coughing.

On my grandmas birthday she wanted to go to some fancy seafood restaurant in a limo and me and my cousin had REALLY bad gas for some reason and we kept exchanging farts until the entire limo smelled and we had to stop at a target to get febreze so we could go on 

Almost forgot, one time in my house while my cousin and my friend alex were outside on the golfcart my cousin said he had to take a dump so we go back and my sister was in the bathroom and my cousin made her leave and she forgot to flush the toilet and he goes in and leaves laughing and comes to get me and alex and guess what she left in there? A SQUARE turd That had lines on it!...


----------



## SuperMutant (Sep 28, 2012)

poopyalligator said:


> There was also another time when I was in 3rd grade I had to fart really bad. We had a guest reader that day, and they were reading some sort of story. So I got up because I was going to ask the teacher if I could go to the bathroom, and then I busted a huge fart and said nevermind. I wonder if she thought it was pre-meditated? lol



 I did this exact thing in 4th grade... I accidentally aimed it a girl and she smacked me and we had to go to the office and I had to explain what happened to my parents and the school principal.

Also a year ago when I got caught near a house that was being robbed (they thought I did it and the actual fuckers who broke everything got away without them knowing) when I was put in the cops car in handcuffs he left the car to talk to another officer so I fart and he comes back sniffs really loudly and says what the fuck is smell son? I was like um I farted in fear i'm really sorry, wanna take these handcuffs off? Of course he said no..


----------



## Cabinet (Sep 28, 2012)

wow i don't know how one can pull a 17 second fart, but if you guys have tips for that that'd be awesome
i found this, though. it answers some great questions about butt steam
Facts on Farts


----------



## SuperMutant (Sep 28, 2012)

Cabinet said:


> wow i don't know how one can pull a 17 second fart, but if you guys have tips for that that'd be awesome
> i found this, though. it answers some great questions about butt steam
> Facts on Farts


It was sort of on and off but the whole thing lasted 17 seconds. Should of mentioned that I guess.


----------



## Curt (Sep 28, 2012)

Butt steam


----------



## SuperMutant (Sep 28, 2012)

Have you guys seen the jackass bit where steve-o drinks the fat guys butt sweat?


----------



## Cabinet (Sep 28, 2012)

SuperMutant said:


> It was sort of on and off but the whole thing lasted 17 seconds. Should of mentioned that I guess.



still though, 17 seconds is a long time to have air forced out of your poop chute. mad props, bro.

this one time i was sitting outside with my buddy josh, and i really had to fart. it felt like a real wet one and i was somewhat skeptical but i decided to not listen to my instincts.
so i stood up and bent over and farted and then this look of horror appears upon my visage.
"cabinet, that was really really wet fart"
and ofc i had actually pooped a little in my pants so i ran inside and spent 20 minutes washing my pants and another 20 showering.


----------



## BlackWinds10 (Sep 28, 2012)

I once was testing for my 2nd degree blackbelt in front of a shitload of people, and I went to kick someone in the face, and let out a REALLY loud fart. Everyone in the Dojang started laughing, I tried to blame it on the sparring parter xD. 

This next one is of my mother, we we're at a goodwill when she tells me she'll be right back. She comes back in a few minutes later red faced and trying not to laugh, then as soon as she's 10 feet into the store I hear a woman yell from outside "OH MY LAWDDDD DID SOMETHING DIE OUT HERE!!!" I almost died of laughter.


----------



## Chickenhawk (Sep 28, 2012)

This one time...I shit myself.

Happened not to long ago, actually.


----------



## flexkill (Sep 28, 2012)

Dude seriously, chics have the most dead awful fart and shit smells ever!


----------



## SpaceDock (Sep 28, 2012)

You guys should check out the Kenny vs Spenny Fart Episode, biggest fart ever!!!


----------



## SuperMutant (Sep 28, 2012)

flexkill said:


> Dude seriously, chics have the most dead awful fart and shit smells ever!



Nah girls don't fart!





























But they do


----------



## tacotiklah (Sep 28, 2012)

Ah, stories about the wondrous bodily functions we all simultaneously love and hate and the same time. 

Well for almost two weeks I've had chronic stomach cramps, the runs, and as a side effect, bad gas. (I need to remove this current stress in my life and improve my diet it seems)
As the end result I've been producing rather dulcet tones from my nether regions. The sound is similar to sitting on a duck.


----------



## ddtonfire (Sep 28, 2012)

One of my friends kicked me in the butt right as I farted. The force spread my cheeks and subsequently, the gas enveloped itself around his foot while it was lodged in my crevice. Made a pphhhhlooooooorrrrrt sound.


Also, in HS chemistry, I let out what I thought would be an incognito small fart. Instead, a river of brown liquid flowed out and I had to take refuge in the bathroom while my mom brought me a new pair of underwear and pants. At least it was silent.


----------



## Genome (Sep 28, 2012)

Oh man this one time, I let one rip, and it made a funny noise and it smelt bad for a while. It was the subject of great mirth!


----------



## Baelzebeard (Sep 28, 2012)

This thread got me laughin'

When I was a kid my dad wanted to show me how you could light a fart and blow a flame outta your ass and he accidentally lit his pants on fire. There was much laughter at dad's expense. 

I'm pretty sure there was beer involved with his decision making that evening.


----------



## Grand Moff Tim (Sep 28, 2012)

Whenever my uncle farts, he blames them on "California Barking Spiders." Whenever I went somewhere with him when I was a kid, he'd rip these loud ass farts, wheel around as fast as he could, STOMP on the ground, and yell "DID I GET 'IM???" Somehow that never discouraged me from going shopping with him.

I wish I could claim this one, but it was actually my friend. He was dating this chick that pretty much all of us hated, and he was getting sick of her himself. One night during an extended foreplay session when she was going down on him, she asked if she could toss his salad. Normally that was something he'd have refused, but as the contents of this thread would suggest, he had been holding back a fart that whole time. He said okay, and went she started going at it, he ripped a hot one _right on her tongue_. When we heard about it later, I laughed as hard as I had ever laughed before, if not harder. He's my goddamned hero.


----------



## SuperMutant (Sep 28, 2012)

Grand Moff Tim said:


> Whenever my uncle farts, he blames them on "California Barking Spiders." Whenever I went somewhere with him when I was a kid, he'd rip these loud ass farts, wheel around as fast as he could, STOMP on the ground, and yell "DID I GET 'IM???" Somehow that never discouraged me from going shopping with him.
> 
> I wish I could claim this one, but it was actually my friend. He was dating this chick that pretty much all of us hated, and he was getting sick of her himself. One night during an extended foreplay session when she was going down on him, she asked if she could toss his salad. Normally that was something he'd have refused, but as the contents of this thread would suggest, he had been holding back a fart that whole time. He said okay, and went she started going at it, he ripped a hot one _right on her tongue_. When we heard about it later, I laughed as hard as I had ever laughed before, if not harder. He's my goddamned hero.


 Omg... I would of ate the most foul food imaginable and tape a dead rat to my asscheeks and fart in his face repeatably until he says sorry.


----------



## wespaul (Sep 28, 2012)

When I was married, I made it my mission to trap my wife in confined spaces while I dropped a bomb. It got to the point to where she knew almost all of my "tells" --like a master poker player would learn when dealing with other world class players. It was harder to nail her with it, but when I did, the victory was so fucking awesome that I gave zero fucks if I didn't get laid that day (no pun intended).

I remember one time we were laying in bed. It was morning, we both woke up, and we were talking about our day. I put my arm around her, and I felt her tense up like the smart women she was. I told her that I knew a guy at work who could spit in the air and catch it back in his mouth. She did the typical girl thing and told me how gross that was. 

I told her I had been practicing, and to watch me do it. I hocked REALLY loud like I was making a big one --meanwhile she is telling me I better not do it. I fake the spitting sound, and she immediately raises the covers to protect herself. It is then that I let out the nastiest Denny's Grand Slam breakfast fart that I had been baking since the night before, after hours of heavy drinking. It made a sound that I'll probably never be able to replicate, and a smell that I'm sure is still in that house. I remember pinning her under the covers while she screamed as if somebody was raping her.

I'll _never_ forget that. We're divorced now, but every time I see her, I think of how many times I nailed her with my awesome farts.


----------



## The Grief Hole (Sep 28, 2012)

I was at work the day after a fajita and Mama Ciccerro's salsa binge (i forget if thats the proper name, but it was spicy stuff). So anyway, I work with two girls and we share 3 studios and an office. The office has a fridge etc.
So my stomach is acting up cause in Japan we dont have anything as comparably spicy, so its been a long time. My stomach had been hurting all morning and when I bent down in front of the fridge I let rip one of the most hideous and gigantic farts I think I will ever be witness to. I mean, I took no pleasure from which isn't normal ( being honest here).
So I walk out of the office to my atudio just as one of the girls walks in there.
There was about 15 seconds of silence and then I hear this voice going, "oh my fucking god". She never swore so that was a first but the tone of her voice! It wasn't a 'ho-ho, someones farted" voice. It was more of an "I have just witnessed the true horror of man" voice.
I was crying with laughter for hours after that.


----------



## kamello (Sep 29, 2012)

when I was little I attended Karate lessons (probably 12 year old)


and I was doing my exam to ascend to Orange belt, so I had to do a Kata (a series of movements) with some long stretching, during the most exigent position, I let out a really noisy fart.........while all the Senseis of the Dojo were pending of me....I just standed still, watched my sensei, and everyone bursted out laughin, even me  































































of course I didn't pass


----------



## Nile (Sep 29, 2012)

This thread, it delivers.


----------



## BlackMastodon (Sep 29, 2012)

I got a few.

My one buddy is a larger dude and his farts have been compared to a duck on a roof with a shotgun. It's not even an exaggeration; I can hear them over Skype when we play League of Legends.

My own story is from high school when I was dating my ex. I didn't see her for a couple of weeks because we were busy or some crap, and because of that I was more used to just hanging out with my buddies and not having to care about holding in my farts. Well when I was hanging out with my then-girlfriend, we were just sitting on my bed and I was playing with my cat with my legs crossed and I let out a li'l toot that was quite distinct. My eyes immediately grew very wide and without thinking I just blurted out, "I swear that was the cat!" I'm not sure if she believed me or not but she didn't look to impressed. The kicker is, not even a week later I was watching TV petting that same cat when she actually farted next to me.

Also when we were in high school me and my buddies liked to cup our hands over our asses when we farted and then launch the fart at each other while yelling either "Hadouken!" or "kamehameHA!"


----------



## SuperMutant (Sep 29, 2012)

BlackMastodon said:


> Also when we were in high school me and my buddies liked to cup our hands over our asses when we farted and then launch the fart at each other while yelling either "Hadouken!" or "kamehameHA!"


Not weird at all


----------



## metal_sam14 (Sep 29, 2012)

Best thread since shitsplosions.

I seriously have too many stories to choose from, get back to me in a day and I will pick some favorites!


----------



## Genome (Sep 29, 2012)

metal_sam14 said:


> Best thread since shitsplosions.



Alright, you're gonna have to link me to that one.


----------



## Murmel (Sep 29, 2012)

"[SIZE=+1] I recently read of a man who hooked up his nose to his anus with a system involving a gas mask, rubber tubing and a hollow wooden post. He died of suffocation."

Why would you even do that... 

[/SIZE]


----------



## VILARIKA (Sep 29, 2012)

metal_sam14 said:


> Best thread since shitsplosions.
> 
> I seriously have too many stories to choose from, get back to me in a day and I will pick some favorites!



This one is hard to beat:

http://www.sevenstring.org/forum/off-topic/185665-badly-stuffed-animals.html


----------



## metal_sam14 (Sep 30, 2012)

Genome said:


> Alright, you're gonna have to link me to that one.



Had to dig up a link that this guy gave me ages ago: 


JeffFromMtl said:


> Yeah. I can't find it for the life of me, unfortunately. It was really only amazing because Explorer posted it
> 
> EDIT- Found it! It was merged with Randy's lolfest. http://www.sevenstring.org/forum/off-topic/145640-just-me.html Merged on page 6.


----------



## tacotiklah (Sep 30, 2012)




----------



## squid-boy (Sep 30, 2012)

BlackMastodon said:


> Also when we were in high school me and my buddies liked to cup our hands over our asses when we farted and then launch the fart at each other while yelling either "Hadouken!" or "kamehameHA!"



In these parts, we call that a _Cup O' Cheese_.


----------



## bluediamond (Sep 30, 2012)

Most stupid thing to do after a fart is to say "..oops" or "sorry". Just play innocent. I learned that the hard way

My uncle when he was a kid he used to store his farts in a glass jar and put it beside his bed, until my grandma take the empty jar and put some cookies in it. My grandpa gave him some good spank


----------



## danger5oh (Sep 30, 2012)

The best fart story I have also coincides with the same story of how I found out that my digestive system doesn't agree with butterfish. Long, disgusting story short: every time I thought that I was silently farting at a family BBQ, an oily mist was slowly caking my underpants. We ended up moving BBQ areas because we thought the one we were at smelled like shit.


----------



## isispelican (Sep 30, 2012)

Up until 3 or 4 years ago i could actually fart on command. It was pretty awesome since the farts are much louder than normal and you can almost control the volume. On the last night of a summer camp i kept most people in the room awake by farting non stop and the next day someone asked us if we were letting fireworks go off in our room. 
I haven't done it in a long time but someday im going to practise till i can do it again! Sorry if this sounded a little too fucking weird hahah

(i could write a tutorial for the technique if you guys want )


----------



## straightshreddd (Sep 30, 2012)

Yes


----------



## straightshreddd (Sep 30, 2012)

I've got a bunch but here's one off the top of my head:

In July, my best friend from when I lived in FL visited me for a couple weeks and my friend(chick) from NY came down, too. My boy, Josh, is white, country, and hood as hell at the same time. He's got that southern, gangster dialect and wears wifebeaters all the time. (just giving details so you can picture it in your head.) Anyway, the chick is in the water, knees deep, and we're drinking beers sitting on some rocks and Josh yells "Mama lookin' gooooood!" and immediately releases a loud as hell and grotesque-sounding fart. I died right away. The best part was that he was being so serious and was really trying to spit game to this chick. Like, after the fart he kept a sly, "I wanna fuck that chick" face on while watching her. lol I kept reenacting the whole scene all day. haha


----------



## Empryrean (Sep 30, 2012)

Well, here's one.

I was at school, in between classes and had to go to the restroom. I had one waiting a bit during class but it didn't come to, strange but oh well. I go into the restroom and walk up to a urinal to you know, pee. I couldn't help but notice that there was a man right next to me in the stall. For some reason there is always this awkward "oh man someone's in here, I'll wait til they leave" thought that I get when I poop in public, so I figured the guy was a bit tense. I could not pee and leave knowing that I had just made his pooping experience uncomfortable, so as soon as I finished peeing I felt my fart creeping back up on me. PFFFFFFFFRRRRRRTT, WOOO! It was quite the feat, dang thing made the bathroom echo it was so loud, my cheeks even felt a bit tingly from clapping back together so hard and in such quick succession. The guy behind the door started cracking up, and I laughed, we shared a good laugh while I washed my hands and walked out the door.


----------



## BlackMastodon (Sep 30, 2012)

Forgot to mention it before, but the same buddy of mine whose farts are akin to ducks on roofs with shotguns likes to hit people with fart physics in his car. He'll let one rip and then open up the passenger window juuuuuuust a crack so that the fart escapes through there and the person in shotgun gets the brunt of it. Hilarity always ensues.


----------



## in-pursuit (Sep 30, 2012)

this one time I was driving home from the city one morning after a gig (pretty big night on the beers and late night pizza) I was holding in the worst shit of my life most of the way home. The drive was about an hour and a half and with another 15 minutes to go I knew I wasnt going to make it. coming up to the next roadhouse I couldnt contain it any longer and it felt like I emptied the liquified contents of my entire digestive system into my pants and it smelled like it too. 

I had tears in my eyes partly from the aweful smell and partly because I had just shat myself, when I got out of the car I had to make the awkward walk to the restroom, you know the one where you're trying to contain everything as best you can and not let it all spread around your asscheeks and in the process you manage to look like you've got a broom stuck up your ass. so I make it into the restroom pull my pants down and see no shit in my pants, and turns out there's nothing between my cheeks either. I was so convinced I had shat myself, I was genuinely amazed that I hadn't. easily the worst fart I've ever done, I almost wish that someone had been in the car with me haha!


----------



## Cabinet (Oct 1, 2012)

^the mind is an incredible thing

lmao


----------



## tm20 (Oct 1, 2012)

i just farted....and it stinks


----------



## leandroab (Oct 1, 2012)

I approve of this message.


----------



## flexkill (Oct 1, 2012)

leandroab said:


> I approve of this message.



What? You running for Fart president or something?


----------



## BlackMastodon (Oct 1, 2012)

in-pursuit said:


> this one time I was driving home from the city one morning after a gig (pretty big night on the beers and late night pizza) I was holding in the worst shit of my life most of the way home. The drive was about an hour and a half and with another 15 minutes to go I knew I wasnt going to make it. coming up to the next roadhouse I couldnt contain it any longer and it felt like I emptied the liquified contents of my entire digestive system into my pants and it smelled like it too.
> 
> I had tears in my eyes partly from the aweful smell and partly because I had just shat myself, when I got out of the car I had to make the awkward walk to the restroom, you know the one where you're trying to contain everything as best you can and not let it all spread around your asscheeks and in the process you manage to look like you've got a broom stuck up your ass. so I make it into the restroom pull my pants down and see no shit in my pants, and turns out there's nothing between my cheeks either. I was so convinced I had shat myself, I was genuinely amazed that I hadn't. easily the worst fart I've ever done, I almost wish that someone had been in the car with me haha!


Talk about crisis averted.  I would be counting my blessings after that situation.


----------



## Konfyouzd (Oct 1, 2012)

Da fuck...?


----------



## ZEBOV (Oct 1, 2012)

My farts have made a school violate its own policies. When I was at an alternative school in the 7th grade (I was there for fighting), I suddenly had this fit of gas in the morning and I kept farting every 10 seconds. Eventually the teacher decided that he didn't want me in the class anymore, and he told the other teachers and staff about it, so I was put in ISS (in school suspension). The thing about ISS is that it's school policy to be in ISS for no more than one whole day so that students can make progress to go back to regular school. I ended up being there for 3 weeks in a row until I got sick of it and sucker punched a counselor to get expelled. What didn't help was that she told me I'm gonna be in ISS until 2010. And here it was 2001.


----------



## Oddkid (Oct 1, 2012)

I was helping my Dad run some errands a few years ago. We got to this industrial estate and noticed the car was acting up. We pulled over and found we had a flat, so between us, we got the spare out and got to work. It all went about smoothly, at the end, my Dad was torquing the bolts up, lying back the pulling them with his weight. Every time he exerted himself, he let out a foghorn fart. After the third one, we just stopped and looked at each other and doubled over laughing.


----------



## sahaal (Oct 1, 2012)

the best fart stories I have come from my best friend, a 5'2 100lbs girl 

anyways, the one time we were bagging around in my truck and had previously had mongolian food or something, with 2 of my other friends (male) and she just lets one go, absolutely no one but me thought it even could've been her and didnt know who to blame, so whatever. 5 minutes later, same thing. Another 5 minutes, repeat. Then finally she let one go, and by now we all got pissed and could barely breathe so my 2 friends are like pull the fuck over we need out. So we do this, all 3 guys get out and she just sits there laughing her ass off at us and everyone else looks at her with a look of pure horror while she's sitting there enjoying herself.

Another time she was in line for a bathroom and some bitch she just hated was right behind her, so she goes in and is literally in and out in less than a minute so i'm like wtf, the other girl goes in and we begin to walk away and all of a sudden hear the other girl yell "WHAT THE FUCK" and run out, apparently she shit for the first time in 2 days or something and tossed all the used tp in the garbage and left it floating, then took a picture cuz she was so proud of herself and showed me. NEedless to say I would've freaked too if I walked in on that monster


----------



## Gilbertsgotbrootz (Oct 6, 2012)

This thread is fucking awesome ...... I may have one of the best ... So one time I am at my friends birthday party just me him and another dude and a few girls .... He was being a dick so I said I am going to give him a birthday present he'll remember . I took my underwear of and starting dragging my ass around his bed farting and raw dogging his pillow ... The girls were laughing so hard and his friend joe was like crying so he comes back in the room and dives on to his bed face first and puts his face in the pillow and said wtf . We all start laughing just saying I farted lol .. Well evidently his friend joe told him the next day so then he came over to my house one day to jam I am playing guitar and he comes up to me says payback and puts his ass near me and farts it sounded like bang ---- then splat lol . He turned and looked at me like holy shit wtf.. He said dude I just shit myself what do I do .. I can't stop laughing at this point (the best part is I drove him to my house ) . I said you go downstairs ask my parents for a bag because you shit your pants . He said fuck u I wouldn't have shit my pants if you wouldn't have bare naked farted on my pillow . I said to my parents Andrew just shit his pants in my room you'd think a 16 yo would be potty trained right . So I call his mom and tell her he needs to be picked up because he shit himself and he's not riding home in my Lexus ... His mom freaked the fuck out on him and brought him one of his grandmas depends and gave it to him ......... Best day ever


----------



## Cabinet (Oct 6, 2012)

this isn't mine, but one time in middle school my friend was in class and it was like 6th grade?
so he's sitting down on the side of the class and all of the sudden he has to let out these farts, and they're all silent. one of the girls caught scent and was like "who ever is doing that please stop, ew." and he had to keep letting them out, and the whole class starts to smell them and they're looking around at everyone. by now the teacher smells it too and is like "please stop doing that in my classroom" or something but he just keeps silently farting. then the same girl says "omg it's starting to smell like fish now please stop" and he starts pinching his nose to show he grossed out he is to keep his tracks covered.

this one time me and 2 of my friends were in an after school tutoring class with this middle aged woman who was maybe 21? she was the sweetest and most sensitive thing ever. so we're sitting in class and my friend lets out a fart and we start choking back our laughter and she says "oh pedro, don't do that" and we're trying not to burst out laughing. 5 minutes later i start farting too and we start crying in the middle of class trying not to be too loud and the tutor just sort of sighs. and this goes on for a while with us constantly giggling and farting until the teacher decides to move me to the other side of the room. i sit alone and start doing my work thinking it's over but NOPE
PFFFFFFFFTHWEEEEEEEEEP a barrage of gasses vibrating against my ass cheeks bursts into song as the chair begins to squeeze the smell outwards towards my friends and the tutor. she got really mad and sent me home early.


----------



## Nile (Oct 6, 2012)

21 is middle-aged?


----------



## Cabinet (Oct 6, 2012)

did you ask that question just to bump the thread? because if so, i have not fallen for your ruse!


----------



## Nonservium (Oct 6, 2012)

I once crop-dusted an aisle in Powell's Books in Portland. At least I thought it was just an aisle. As I strolled away for at least 4 to 5 aisles over people were either bitching about the smell or making a face like they smelled shit. I estimate 20~ people got to smell my ass wind that day. Glorious.


----------



## FireInside (Oct 6, 2012)

flexkill said:


> What? You running for Fart president or something?



Or a U.S. Presidential Candidate....he is speaking the same language.


----------



## Nile (Oct 6, 2012)

Cabinet said:


> did you ask that question just to bump the thread? because if so, i have not fallen for your ruse!



I'm serious, but that also.


----------



## RedSkull (Oct 7, 2012)

Haha I got one

Was at this show at a local small avenue with the band Kataklysm headlining . This night I had the worst Nuclear farts episode all night. So i was cutting the cheese at some place and then moving right away to another spot and then so all night to avoid pissing people around me (like if they would know its coming from me anyway haha). Then at the end of the show I went chatting with Kataklysm (they come from here, so they are really friendly) and just when I was about to left the discussion, yeah you guessed it, I farted a fucking Bomb and then moving away I looked back at them and they were looking like sayin ''FUCKING HELL.. WHAT IS THAT SMELL?? '' ... hahahaha


----------



## Ill-Gotten James (Oct 7, 2012)

I could post quite a few stories and potentially will, so I'll start off with my favorite. This is not a fart story, but a poop story that involved farts! When I quit smoking cigarettes a few years ago, I began lifting weights. In my attempt to become... eh what should I say.. a buff beefcake, I started incorporating some lovely protein shakes into my diet on a daily basis. Well, since I was new to lifting weights and new to chowing down protein shakes, I was unaware of the potential side effect of super massive shit syndrome. Some of you have to know exactly what I'm talking about. I started crapping small boa constrictors and anacondas. I also seemed to loose the essential grace period of the time from when I first feel the sensation that I needed to crap, to having to crap. It was kind of like, "I have to go... NOW!"

Well, now that I have the background out of the way, I can move on with the actual story. I had just moved into a new town outside Philadelphia and was not very familiar with the area yet. I had made a few acquaintances and we decided to hit up a local diner for some food that evening. I was a beautiful October evening, much like this evening, but unknown to me, the perfect storm was brewing. I ate a Rubin sandwich with some fries and man did that ever hit the spot; however, as soon as I was finished, I broke out into a cold sweat. I knew what was coming. I said goodbye to my newly made friends and darted to the bathroom, but to my dismay there was only one toilet, and someone appeared to be having a bowel crisis of their own already. My god, I mean it sounded like this guy was strangling a goose or something in there. It was down right offensive sounding. Well I didn't have time to wait around for this game of thrones, so I decided that I could race home and shit there. After all, it was only an 8 minute drive down the back roads. I was so wrong. 

4 minutes down the road my guts began to cramp and rumble. It was at this point in time I realized that I was not going to make it home, nor was I going to make it back to the diner. I was fucked! Not wanting to shit my pants in my car, I turned down the first road that I saw, hoping it was some desolate road and I could crap in the woods. Wrong! It was a god damn fucking rich residential neighbor hood that was masked by some trees by the entrance. Game over man, I could feel my sphincter fighting against the turd. Losing all dignity at that point in time, I did the only rational thing I could think of. I pulled over in front of a house, grabbed a paper towel that was in the back seat of my car, ran into this person's front yard, and unloaded pure concentrated evil. Not even looking to see if anybody was watching, I cleaned up, and ran back to my car in under a minute. Yes gentlemen, I pulled a shit and run. I am not proud of it, but at least I donated some fertilizer. I have since stopped using protein powders.


----------



## Nile (Oct 7, 2012)

Ill-Gotten James said:


> I could post quite a few stories and potentially will, so I'll start off with my favorite. This is not a fart story, but a poop story that involved farts! When I quit smoking cigarettes a few years ago, I began lifting weights. In my attempt to become... eh what should I say.. a buff beefcake, I started incorporating some lovely protein shakes into my diet on a daily basis. Well, since I was new to lifting weights and new to chowing down protein shakes, I was unaware of the potential side effect of super massive shit syndrome. Some of you have to know exactly what I'm talking about. I started crapping small boa constrictors and anacondas. I also seemed to loose the essential grace period of the time from when I first feel the sensation that I needed to crap, to having to crap. It was kind of like, "I have to go... NOW!"
> 
> Well, now that I have the background out of the way, I can move on with the actual story. I had just moved into a new town outside Philadelphia and was not very familiar with the area yet. I had made a few acquaintances and we decided to hit up a local diner for some food that evening. I was a beautiful October evening, much like this evening, but unknown to me, the perfect storm was brewing. I ate a Rubin sandwich with some fries and man did that ever hit the spot; however, as soon as I was finished, I broke out into a cold sweat. I knew what was coming. I said goodbye to my newly made friends and darted to the bathroom, but to my dismay there was only one toilet, and someone appeared to be having a bowel crisis of their own already. My god, I mean it sounded like this guy was strangling a goose or something in there. It was down right offensive sounding. Well I didn't have time to wait around for this game of thrones, so I decided that I could race home and shit there. After all, it was only an 8 minute drive down the back roads. I was so wrong.
> 
> 4 minutes down the road my guts began to cramp and rumble. It was at this point in time I realized that I was not going to make it home, nor was I going to make it back to the diner. I was fucked! Not wanting to shit my pants in my car, I turned down the first road that I saw, hoping it was some desolate road and I could crap in the woods. Wrong! It was a god damn fucking rich residential neighbor hood that was masked by some trees by the entrance. Game over man, I could feel my sphincter fighting against the turd. Losing all dignity at that point in time, I did the only rational thing I could think of. I pulled over in front of a house, grabbed a paper towel that was in the back seat of my car, ran into this person's front yard, and unloaded pure concentrated evil. Not even looking to see if anybody was watching, I cleaned up, and ran back to my car in under a minute. Yes gentlemen, I pulled a shit and run. I am not proud of it, but at least I donated some fertilizer. I have since stopped using protein powders.



Lmfao.
And you managed to clean up that mess with one piece of toilet paper?


----------



## morrowcosom (Oct 7, 2012)

Incident 1:
When I was in high school I did not feel like getting up super early to go. As a result, my gas/shits kicked in early first period. 

The school had this really hardline policy about not letting students go to the bathroom while class was in session. There was this one week I had to shit (not emergency situations) every time I was ten minutes into first period. The teacher would not let me go, so I just farted every day for a week straight. When I unleashed my farts, all the other students and the teacher would get up and go to the opposite corner of the classroom and bitch about the rank smell. I would laugh at them.

The teacher eventually threatened to send me to ISS for farting in class and I busted out laughing because that is a hilarious reason to get sent to ISS. 

Incident 2: 
My grandmom, my aunt, and I were watching my cousin play high school football. We were all sitting outside on those metal bleachers with the other spectators, and I let one rip. The bleacher I was sitting on vibrated and the fart was loud so everyone started laughing. My grandmom turned bright red with embarassment and my aunt slapped me in the face.


----------



## Cabinet (Oct 7, 2012)

Nile said:


> Lmfao.
> And you managed to clean up that mess with one piece of toilet paper?



he got one of them glorious "only need to wipe once" dookies.


----------



## leandroab (Oct 7, 2012)

I love quick and clean shits. They're awesome.


----------



## Nile (Oct 7, 2012)

^Those two post, so fucking much.


----------



## Devyn Eclipse Nav (Oct 7, 2012)

A few dog fart stories-

We've all seen dogs do this - they fart so loudly the startle themselves. And my dog is hilarious when that happens. He spazes out, gets up, and looks around really confused when he does it. We've no doubt all seen a dog do it, but it doesn't make it any less funny 

This last year, on christmas day, my dog was chewing on a new bone we got him. He suddenly lets a really loud one rip. He then stops chewing the bone, mid-gnaw, and looks around, kind in that suspicious "I wonder if anyone noticed" way. I cracked up.

Another thing my dog does on a regular basis - he'll walk into a room, sit down, and just fart for a good 3 seconds. It's normal, but still hilarious.


----------



## Gilbertsgotbrootz (Oct 8, 2012)

I have another one ...... When I was younger I was notorious for clogging toilets ... My dad always freaked out when I did saying I used to much tp .. Well one time when I moved all I ate that weak was pure protein I am talking 20-25 a plate steaks ( We didn't have a stove we already had it moved) . I shit for like 1 minute straight I had to get up and turn around I said fuck theres no way its going down . So I called my dad on the phone to tell him what happened . I said dad I just shit so much theres noway its going down he said bullshit I said no bigger he said no I mean bullshit your full of crap you did . I said no I am not full of crap the toilet is ( He didn't get it lol) . I said Its 2ft and coiled like a snake its not going down . I then took a picture of it as proof lol , He said flush it then wipe I flushed it and the fucker didn't go down ... I plugged the goddamn toilet with 1 not 2 , 1 fucking turd ....... It was a magical no wiper has one would say lol .


----------



## Cynic (Oct 8, 2012)

hey guys whats going on in her

oh


----------



## wespaul (Oct 8, 2012)

One time I made my girlfriend throw up from a fart. We were spooning in bed and she was dead asleep. This was maybe 3 or 4 in the morning. It was so quiet, but I could feel the steam as it left my ass. I knew it was going to be a god-awful smell. She lifted her head and projectile-vomited off the side of the bed.

Telling the story is a lot funnier than what actually happened, though.


----------



## Ill-Gotten James (Oct 8, 2012)

Nile said:


> Lmfao.
> And you managed to clean up that mess with one piece of toilet paper?



No, that would have been amazing if I could have done that. It was a shop towel. One of those heavy duty shop paper towels that's blue.


----------



## The Buttmonkey (Oct 10, 2012)

Ill-Gotten James said:


> No, that would have been amazing if I could have done that. It was a shop towel. One of those heavy duty shop paper towels that's blue.



Those are awesome. I've never considered using them for poop duty though...


----------



## soliloquy (Oct 10, 2012)

this is a true story. i've done this FAR too often for my gf and even female friends. 








though whenever i do this, i go behind the car, so i can fan myself before i enter the car


----------



## flexkill (Oct 11, 2012)




----------



## Edika (Oct 11, 2012)

Some of the stories are gold in this thread. I have one of the worst case scenario stories with an ex-girlfriend that didn't result to a break up but didn't score me points either. It is a bit spicy so I hope the mods won't mind that much.
So we were in bed and she was orally stimulating me very expertly. About half ways I feel my intestines complaining and I feel I need to fart. However I see that I can control the situation and it is not affecting me that much so I think I'll tough up. Anyways what do you say at this point "sorry wait a minute I got to fart"? So the time comes when I am finishing and as you might have guessed I loose muscle control of my sphincter and let a huge one rip at her face. I was so embarrassed and apologized but even though she wasn't that pleased she didn't mind. She told me this happens but I should stop her and go to outside to fart next time. Damn that was embarrassing.

Worst thing is when I am with my wife at home or outside and think it is going to be a silent one or/and odorless one and it's not. She sure doesn't like it. Some times vibration betray me as we are sitting in the couch or in bed and I let a silent and odorless one rip. She feels the vibration and says "Did you fart again? And don't deny it I felt it!".


----------



## iRaiseTheDead (Oct 12, 2012)

Back in highschool I was sitting in class next to my friend and he thought it'd be a good idea to tickle me... I shot back in my chair (I had my head down on the desk). a few people asked if I cracked my back. I played it off for a few seconds. Then they knew


----------



## mcleanab (Oct 12, 2012)

soliloquy said:


> this is a true story. i've done this FAR too often for my gf and even female friends.
> 
> though whenever i do this, i go behind the car, so i can fan myself before i enter the car



I'm married now so we fart in front of and on each other all the time... BUT, long ago, I opened the car door for a girl, shut it, big nasty silent steamy fart, walked around the car to fan, but... my winter coat kept it close...

As I got in, the smell started seeping in... I was playing it off, and the girl seemed to as well... then my friend who was with us jumped in the back seat and immediately started saying, "damn, what is that? Wow!" Tried to play it off as if it were something outside... it lingered in the car all the way home...


----------



## Devyn Eclipse Nav (Oct 23, 2012)

We can't let this thread die!


----------



## Cabinet (Oct 23, 2012)

one time when i was in maybe 8th grade, i went to sleep over with two of my friends. and at 3 am one of them, P, had passed out because he was so tired. his head was on the side of the couch, and he had a few random hairs sticking out the back of his head. so i pulled my pants down bare ass and pressed my butt hole against the little hairs. my friend B was trying so hard not to burst out laughing and then i pulled my pants up really quick and pretended to go back to sleep.
so my friend B decided he should try it but as he goes up to put his butt on P's hairs he lets out this huge fart and somehow P doesn't wake up before B is back under his blanket. P only woke up when the smell hit him but we were pretending to be asleep by then. he never knew it was us.


----------



## BlackMastodon (Oct 23, 2012)

Cabinet said:


> one time when i was in maybe 8th grade, i went to sleep over with two of my friends. and at 3 am one of them, P, had passed out because he was so tired. his head was on the side of the couch, and he had a few random hairs sticking out the back of his head. so i pulled my pants down bare ass and pressed my butt hole against the little hairs. my friend B was trying so hard not to burst out laughing and then i pulled my pants up really quick and pretended to go back to sleep.
> so my friend B decided he should try it but as he goes up to put his butt on P's hairs he lets out this huge fart and somehow P doesn't wake up before B is back under his blanket. P only woke up when the smell hit him but we were pretending to be asleep by then. he never knew it was us.


You guys are bastards.


----------



## Gilbertsgotbrootz (Oct 23, 2012)

Cabinet said:


> one time when i was in maybe 8th grade, i went to sleep over with two of my friends. and at 3 am one of them, P, had passed out because he was so tired. his head was on the side of the couch, and he had a few random hairs sticking out the back of his head. so i pulled my pants down bare ass and pressed my butt hole against the little hairs. my friend B was trying so hard not to burst out laughing and then i pulled my pants up really quick and pretended to go back to sleep.
> so my friend B decided he should try it but as he goes up to put his butt on P's hairs he lets out this huge fart and somehow P doesn't wake up before B is back under his blanket. P only woke up when the smell hit him but we were pretending to be asleep by then. he never knew it was us.


That's awesome lol .. I like the ones when people accidentally shart in a situation like this .


----------



## Stealthtastic (Oct 23, 2012)

It's imfuckingpossible not to fart of extreme laughter in this thread


----------

