# I've been miserable most of my life, and feel I need to open up about it



## EverDream (Jun 17, 2018)

I've talked about this a little before in some of the other threads in this forum, but only little bits of it, and I feel I need to make a proper topic about it and go into more detail.

I have never really talked about this in depth with people before, anywhere actually. I've been feeling miserable, mentally, very often, for as far back as I can remember, but it's been worse the last 7 years.

I've spent just about all of my life with no friend, and have never had a girlfriend either (and I am attractive). I've never even had a kiss with a girl. I have nothing in common with anyone in my family. Basically in a nutshell I've been isolated, and alone with no meaningful connection with another person my entire life and I'm 34.

The only regular social interaction I ever had was the 9 years I was in school. When I was little (before I started school) I mostly just did things alone by myself (from the few memories I recall). During school years I was almost always doing things alone in my bedroom after school. I never had a real friend the whole 9 years. Got picked on from 4th grade onward. Ended up developing a debilitating general anxiety disorder which was so bad by the time I was done school that I wasn't able to work, and I applied for disability.

Since then, I have spent the last 16 years isolated in my small bedroom (person I live with is annoying to me, but is all I have, and I don't do well mentally when living alone). At first it was because I was happy to finally be free from school, and from people picking on me, but after about 9 years of that I started developing a desire for an intimate relationship. Problem was, I had no desire to go out anywhere. Eventually I started to become depressed and super agitated, the agitation got worse until it peaked 2 years ago, at which time I started becoming apathetic. Since then the agitation has decreased in frequency, but the depression has gotten worse and the apathy has gotten way worse.

I'm now at the point where all I want is to be with my soulmate (whoever she is), but I have been mentally unable to force myself to do anything that I don't feel like doing, and I still don't feel like going anywhere outside of my bedroom, after 16 years of being in it (obviously not constantly, but like 95% of the time basically). I have been to counseling, I have tried different medicines, I have even been hospitalized on multiple occasions. Didn't do anything to help me. Still no desire to do anything outside of hobbies in my bedroom, but still lonely, and depressed and longing for a romantic partner. I know my apathy would go away immediately if I had and lived with a partner, but the problem is... there appears to be no way to get one while the apathy or lack of desire to (and lack of ability to force myself to) go anywhere is still present.

So this is the deadlock that I have been in now for the last 7 years (since I first started desiring a relationship), and it seems like there is no end to it, and that I might end up living my entire life in a small bedroom, with only myself as my company, and then die without ever having lived a single moment of life in which I actually wanted to be alive... in which I actually didn't wish I didn't exist... in which I didn't wish I had never been born... in which I didn't lay in bed and wish that after falling asleep that I wouldn't wake up ever again... in which I felt happy to be alive... in which I felt like I was anything special to a girl that made my heart race... in which people actually were interested in getting to know me... in which I lived at all.

I have been extremely depressed and discouraged by this deadlock that has been going on for 7 years now, without having found a way to break it. This feeling of hopelessness, and depression I haven't been able to control or make go away for that long (and I take medicine for depression every day). I feel like I'm the most miserable living thing that exists anywhere. This is how I've been feeling lately, and that's why I haven't posted (or even been) on here for a while now.


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## blacai (Jun 17, 2018)

I PM'd you.


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## Grindspine (Jun 17, 2018)

Whatever is said on this, you will never meet anyone or form meaningful relationships until you leave the comfort zone of your bedroom. Socializing is not always easy, but often one social connection will lead to others. 

There will be setbacks, but if you give up and remain apathetic, nothing will change.


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## odibrom (Jun 17, 2018)

@EverDream That sucks big time...

I am by no mean an expert on those psychic things, nor a certificated one and I hope these next words will be new to you, as fresh ideas... if not, well I'm sorry to repeat this.

By reading your words I understand that most of the time you say people around annoy you or that you don't feel like going out for this or that... I read that you are speaking about fear, fear of exposing yourself, of what others might think, or of failure... or something alike. You cannot have a relation with another person (may it be a romantic or any other kind) without exposing yourself to others, like you have done here now.

I'd suggest you to go out (news flash, I know)... on a trip... to somewhere culturally exotic (visit another country), to make a reset point like on Windows and other OS. It is obvious that mainstream doesn't fit your bill, so a cultural/natural trip could be your thing. Obviously, a trip is something limited in time and will eventually end, so what to do end arriving home? I'd say, join a martial arts school. Why, you may ask? Everyone knows that martial arts are about discipline and philosophy and self defense and those things, but what many don't realize their core purpose: people relations. Martial arts do a deep structure build on how people interact with each other, some schools more than other, but that is also the reason why there are so many and so different schools to choose from. So, how to choose a school that might fit your needs? My advice is on this idea "cooperation and not competition". If you see a school focused on competition, that might not be your alley, so try to see beyond the show that the school's master or graduate students may exhibit.

I once read a book that had this passage, that I'll try to translate the idea, not word by word...
_A man that does a lot of things, makes lot of mistakes,
A man that does few things, makes less mistakes,
It is a bigger mistake to do nothing than to build a road out of wrong turns._​Then there is this concept of excelence
_The difference between a master and a beginner is that the master has failed more times than the beginner has even tried._​
So, this to wrap up on getting outside, sitting on your bed will accomplish you nothing besides the aggravation of said feeling. You MUST go out of your comfort zone and TEST yourself. This means not that I'm telling you to be tested by others (like going to a doctor or a job interview, which are important things to do), but to discover your own limits and expand them. Expand your own limits, believe there are none.

...

About romantic relations... you're deep on stereotypes, but good at heart. One doesn't HAVE a romantic relation. It is not a thing to possess. One IS/LIVES in a romantic relation, which means that it is constantly changing, as we all are, day by day... which is somehow that inner fear you have (hypothesis???), of things being in constant movement*... This is the structure of relations, free and open. Having or possessing a relation is incarcerating your loved one into your own perspective of things, which is not plural and, therefore, not love. And romantic relations do not apear from thin air, they grow inside as a good feeling, not as a greedy need. You should not be looking for romance, but for friendship and this means to trust someone else, to expose yourself to their best judgement and be ok with it. Yeah, you'll fall once, twice or even a lifetime, but keep getting up. Don't let that "needy feeling" get in the way of making friends, for real. So how to make friends? Show yourself... a step at a time.

I'm sure that you know how to do things, some better than others, you've made it so far at posting in SSO. Show yourself out there. If you fear the face to face confrontation, then, again, martial arts are a fantastic school for life, but choose carefully, be true to your heart/guts/instinct, if it doesn't feel good, it probably ain't.

Final food for thoughts, consider the following ideas as beacons, not rules:
Love is universal, love all things equally
Love is respect, respect yourself as well as others
Love is compassion, help out
Love is contemplation, do not stress
Love is trust, so let go and open your heart
Love is giving, so expect nothing in return
Love is kindness, so be gentle.​
I've not learn this for being in a relation, but from martial arts... and sometimes mainstream concepts are interesting, GO VEGAN (it answers all of the above)!

* note: curious mix of words, constant + movement. The first means stillness, the second asks for interaction...


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## crankyrayhanky (Jun 17, 2018)

Lots of good thoughts here...just to add, I noticed this line
"in which people actually were interested in getting to know me"

You need to show actual interest in others, not be bitter and stew on that it's not happening towards you. The best way to get friends is to be a friend.


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## budda (Jun 17, 2018)

1. Talk to a different professional.

2. Having a romantic partner does not magically fix *anything*.

I repeat, it does not fix anything. They dont owe you anything, including sex and other forms of intimacy.

If your medication is no longer helping, you need to contact your doctor immediately and tell them. It sounds like you havent found the right health care yet, so my gut instinct is to suggest you start there.

Also, get outside. Take scheduled walks in your neighbourhood. Do 1 more thing this week where you interact with someone. Just saying "hello" on a walk counts as one more thing. Exercise, even small amounts, does wonders. As does eating better. Small steps though.

I wish you the best of luck on your journey.


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## Dame Ningen (Jun 17, 2018)

I'm in a similar situation. Over the last 5 years I've probably spent a couple of hours per month outside my home and I have no friends nor social interactions. I've been doing better lately thanks to medication but I'm still far from a reasonable state.

I hope you'll find a way to get better, good luck friend


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## Mathemagician (Jun 17, 2018)

Bro bro bro. Go talk to a therapist. 

Their day job is to help someone work through things. From developing coping mechanisms, to building to moving through and growing. 

All of that is their trained expertise. 

And you CAN shop around. If you go see a therapist and you don’t connect with them go see another one until you feel you got one you like. 

I cannot repeat this enough, professional help is so underrated and looked-down upon by people who’ve never seen the good it can do. 

The fact that you’re wanting to open up about it is great and means you’re likely to take it seriously. 

I’d hate for you to not make the progress you want.


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## budda (Jun 17, 2018)

@odibrom absolutely nailed the relationship thing by the way: it is not something you possess. If you seek out a romantic relationship from a place of feeling that someone owes you physical and emotional attention, a) you're not likely to find a relationship and b) it will not be a positive one, for anyone involved. Build honest, lasting friendships first and see what follows.

I personally found this article helpful in dealing with my own mental state. I gather from your initial post that you are tired of merely existing and want to actually experience life. I can empathize with that feeling.

http://wilwheaton.net/2018/05/my-na...with-chronic-depression-and-i-am-not-ashamed/


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## Necris (Jun 17, 2018)

I don't think you're as apathetic as you claim, you obviously want change. Getting out of the deadlock and beginning to move towards the place you want to be in life is going to require some upheaval and making changes to a routine, especially one so ingrained, is intimidating. Reading your post I feel like you've developed a sort of defense mechanism where the truth "I want to but I'm afraid to" is replaced with "I don't feel like it" because admitting fear is difficult and uncomfortable, knowing that it reveals a vulnerability either to yourself or to strangers on the internet. If you truly didn't want something or didn't care it would be easy to let it go and it's absence wouldn't weigh on you.

Try to move away from the viewpoint you seem to hold towards romantic relationships. It's extremely toxic. You may not realize it but you're reducing a relationship that should be fulfilling and reciprocal to something one-sided and self-serving. Don't look at this hypothetical woman as a cure for all of the ills in your life, expecting her to be a source of external motivation that will overcome your lack of internal motivation/your personal fears and help to pull you out of the rut you're stuck in, simply as a tool make _yourself_ better. If/when this person finally enters your life that expectation will hurt you both.


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## TedEH (Jun 18, 2018)

EverDream said:


> all I want is to be with my soulmate


There's so much to unpack here, but so much here looks like it comes down to unhealthy and unrealistic goals. Others have already nailed it - a relationship is not a possession, nor a cure for anything. If anything, someone in your state, as described, would likely only be making things worse by adding the needs of a second person into the mix. You need to work on yourself for your own sake, learn to be happy on your own terms, and drop the idea of another person being a requirement to be happy. Obviously it's much easier said than done, but it is what it is.

I recognize that you really probably don't want to hear this, but you're not going to find, let alone maintain, a relationship when you're locked up and depressed in your room. It's not going to happen. A relationship is a partnership - there's give and take involved - so you need to be able to offer something rather than just asking someone to step into your life and fulfill your emotional needs for no other reason than you want that to happen.

My incredibly unprofessional advice is to drop the immediate goal of finding another person to fulfill your emotional needs, and find ways to fill those needs yourself, by working towards being the best version of yourself. Need to be more social? You gatta find a way to get yourself out of your room and talk to people. Do it in small steps. Go to the store and interact with the person behind the counter. Make a regular habit out of going some place small (I like to go to coffee shops) where your short but regular transactions allow you to be friendly with the people who work there - aka. become a regular somewhere. Go see some concerts or something, where you can interact with the people in the crowd. Don't feel attractive? Start changing your diet and exercise slowly to edge toward your goal. Have issues with language or speaking to people? Same idea, go work on it in small steps.

At the end of the day, you know what your problems are, and you have to be the one to instigate progress toward fixing them. You likely know what needs to be done. Go do it. Don't wait for permission or for someone to tell you to do it. Just go.


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## bostjan (Jun 18, 2018)

So much of what is said in the OP is stuff I feel I could have related to myself, except I really didn't get along with anyone in school beyond the 7th grade. I got stabbed, had my nose broken (quite badly) and got beat up regularly in school, which only stopped after I lost my shit one day early on in 8th grade, and fought back, then I was just radioactive.

I think venting this stuff is really a step in the right direction. On it's own, it provides a little relief, but if you can use that little relief to push yourself forward personally, then you might be able to use that venting as a pivot point to start getting better.

I'm one of those people who always valued one close friend better than a thousand friends at arm's reach. Once I gained some perspective on how the most common social relationships worked though, I realized the value of having a lot of friendly acquaintances.

I spent years trying to find a girl, but I was awkward as I could be about it. My thought at the time was that if a girl out there was as socially awkward as me, she'd be able to look past my clumsiness trying to break the ice. When I stumbled (literally) on a girl who was receptive to my forwardness, I thought that must be it, but even though we were both in these isolated worlds, those two isolated worlds were extremely difficult to blend together, so it didn't work out, but that experience helped me learn several lessons. I can tell you those lessons, but unless you learn them firsthand, it's nearly pointless to talk about these things. Oh well, here we are anyway:

1. If you are unhappy with yourself, you are the only one who can work on fixing that. Expecting another person to glue the core of who you are back together is just going to get you to end up with someone who will likely destroy you from the inside. Maybe that doesn't sound so bad when you are in a place like you are now, but it's worse. It is true that having a healthy relationship with a good person will give you a lot more tools to build yourself up, but A) you still need to be the one who takes the impetus for self-improvement and B) you'll be far more likely to work things out with such a person if you are on an upswing.
2. Confidence > looks, 99% of the time. Looks might get a girl to drop her guard for a moment, but if you have nothing behind that to build trust, you are not going to get anywhere. If a girl sees that other people trust you, she'll be more likely to build a long-term relationship with you. Obviously trusting yourself gives you a one point lead upon first impression.
3. I've done therapy before. YMMV, but I think it's a sham. I guess where it can help is when you say something out loud that you wouldn't normally say, you might realize the obvious answers to little things, which can help. Most of the time, though, "What brings you here today," "How does that make you feel," "Is there anything you can do about that," etc. all just play off like the therapist is reading from a script. Some are just better at acting than others. I haven't tried meds, but the people I know who have tried them had mixed results.
4. We are all looking for a purpose in life in general. That's all wrong. Purpose is a subjective thing. A carpenter looks at a hammer as something to drive nails, but a blacksmith will see it as a way to flatten hot metal. A guy lost in the woods might see it as a way to conk his dinner over the head. So, what is the true purpose of a hammer? It's just a heavy thing with a nice handle that can be used to make life easier for whomever is holding it, and potentially it's a heavy thing with a nasty handle that can be used to make you someone's dinner for whomever is roaming the woods coincidentally with the lost guy. Life is something you're given, and then it's up to you to determine what it's value is.


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## TedEH (Jun 18, 2018)

bostjan said:


> I've done therapy before. YMMV, but I think it's a sham.


I've always really wondered about this. Part of me wants to say that I can't imagine a therapist being able to help anyone who isn't already pretty far off of a good path for themselves, but I've also never really been in a situation where it was a need, so who knows. My gut reaction would be that it's not universally valuable, but could be a solid tool for someone who needs it.

I really like the analogy with the hammer though.


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## MikeH (Jun 18, 2018)

Echoing what others have said, go see your doctor/a doctor/a psychiatrist and get to the root of the issue. Second step, (as someone who has read the book, and though I’ve been implementing some of the rules in recent years before reading it, had some of them brought to the forefront of my mind to implement) read Dr. Jordan Peterson’s book ‘12 Rules For Life: An Antidote To Chaos’. Seek help, friend. Nothing is going to change without an honest effort from your end.


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## A-Branger (Jun 18, 2018)

first of all thats great about you reaching out bro, that takes a lot of balls

Ive also been a loner most of my life, Cant really relate much with my family, I was always desperate to run away from the table as soon as I could to sit and watch TV while all my family stayed on the table for most of the afternoon talking I have no idea what and how for that long. I was the youngest so I had nothing to contribute to the chat, and I always find it extremely boring to sit there and do nothing. Reason why I hate restaurants as I ahve to waste most of my sundays as a kind/teen for hours to end doing nothing appart from listening to others talk as I ahve no way to relate to them and contribute as I always have a different likes/ideas/hobbies than all my brothers.

By the time I was in my late teens all my brothers were late-uni or graduate/out of the house, so I got used to be by myself, the age difference between us also helped to that (4/8/10 years) so playing bass was my little buble of happiness that I could lost myself into as I never got into gaming. I also lived "too far away" from my highschool friends so I enver had that "haning out" thing happening, only when I used to go on hollydays to a beach apartment as I had some mates there.

I also changed group of firends a lot, I was everyone mate, but no-one best friend, and at certain points I only have like 2 friends. Even after highschool I have my times I hang out with this ground, then that group, I enver have an establish pack

One of the things that helped me a lot in highschool was joining the Theatre/drama afterschool activity. Make lots of friends and gave me confidence I never had before as I was really shy. Playing music helped heaps too as I ahve my band mates and a reason to do stuff and a reason why someone look at me with admiration/acomplishment

I found joy on trying new things, things to impress, things to other people look at me and say "whoow, you do that?", so the less common the activity, the more I like it

I joined a summercamp and I did everything there and make a lot of great freinds. Again, lots of friend, but barely a BF. In the meetings/parties I could easily join any group or convo, yet if I standed by myself I would prob stayed like that, I could approach everyone and everyone would be happy to ahve me, yet no-one would approach me if that makes sense

so in a way I feel you

I have only have ahd few relationships, and Im currently single since 4years,(Im 34) before that GF I was 4 years single too, ect ect.... so Im used to be bymyself, and I have had no option, but I love it. I learn to live wiht it and make the best of it as I dont know when all that would change (and it does pretty damn quick) ocne you find someone and then you have barely time for yourself

MY advice, get new hobbies, go out and do stuff. I always wanted to learn proper latin dancing (instead of wing it like I always did), I found couple of teachers in my town, I learn it pretty quick, I became good, make heaps of friends. That was 8 years ago, the majority of the friends I have made they ahve been trough salsa classes, socials, parties. I meet my exGF by dancing, and all the girls I ahve hook up with I meet them on the dancefloor, as its the only place I have full confidence, plus I dont have to speak too much lol

Took me 3 years to meet some people where I was living before, because lucky a chick started to caht to me while surfing, then I meet her frinds. Now I moved to an island resort, I got a bigger/small comunity of staff. I spend the first 4 months not doing anything, I only meet my co-workers and one chick from my induction. I started to go out couple of months ago, now I have meet multiple groups of people, friends of firends. Now I can go out without organiziing anything as I would always find someone out. I ahve good mates, chicks who I have a friendship taht they come and always gave me a massive hug, and I manage to date one chick too (sadly she left), and I think theres a couple of girls interested around.

Point is, go out, do stuff. Join a class, do an activity you like, something that would keep your mind bussy, you enjoy, waste tiime, once there, you would eventually find people trough that. Go out for a hike, do it enough times and you woudl start recognising the same poeple doing the same track as you, till eventually you/they say hi. Go to an art class, do enough lessons and you would be part of that class and you would ahve your art buddies. Go learn dancing and you would have guys and girls to be friend with and go out for socials or parties. Go and join a bootcamp thing at your gym in the mornings, get in shape and eventually you would be friends with your bootcamp buddies too

See here, you play guitar, you wanted to learn more, you find this forum, now you part of this comunity. Same thing happens with other stuff...... Worse case scenario you would be doing something rather than sitting down at your room


And forget about a finding a girl, it would never happen like that, aand like others mention, having a GF wont magically fix all your problems. I know it sounds cliche, but you would find someone when you less expected. And Its not so muhc the "but I go out and I didnt though about a GF", its more that when you are happy doing your own thing, that attitude is what a girl would find attractive. No chick wants a desperate guy.

which leads to my final point. If you cant be happy with yourself, you wont be able to make someone else happy. Your happiness depends of YOU and you only. So go out, do your thing, learn to live with yourself, find something interesting, something you like, you love, do it, and who fuck cares!!! jsut fucking do it!!!. If the thing you find interesting is to learn to dance ballet, then fucking go, put a fucking tutu on, and dance your fucking heart out!!!..... You dont like where you live?, go and change it!!, move away, get a new bed, put the couch on your room, put the TV on its side so you can witch it while laying down, put you music stuff in the main room and have your clothes on the spare room, do your stuff your way...... I always wanted to learn and do snowboard, one day I say fuck it and started to search for jobs on the ski resorts, I found one, I moved there for the season and I have the best time in my life, even if I never found a chick down there or made any money, but I was happy

Once you get your life on track and you are hapy, then someone would appear, ad if not, then fuck it at elast you are having a good time. Dont let a "I need a GF" to stop you to do the stuff you love. IF I had that mentality I would be stuck in my room like you, because I wanted to go camping but I wanted to go with a chick..... but one day I say "why? fuck it", so I took my stuff and went camping by myself, I enjoyed driving at ANY hour I wanted, stop in the place I WANTED, settup where I WANTED, the way I WANTED, eat the food I WANTED, wach a movie on my computer, go surf in the stop I WANTEd for as long I WANTED, and you know what it was awesome!!!. I did the same trip later with some friends, I end up spending more money, sleeping allocations were stupid, I only could surf half of the time as not everyone did, at the wrong place because THEY wanted to go there, and dont get me started about the food drama..... so I did my camping solo trips, and during one of those is when I meet a girl who I became friends with, it jsut happen.

Do the stuff YOU like the way YOU like them, the more you do, the bigger the chances to find/meet people there. Always remember to put yourself first bro


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## Hollowway (Jun 19, 2018)

Yeah, talk with a therapist and try different meds. A lot of stuff is brain chemistry that needs to be corrected. SSRIs did wonders for me. I’m a totally new person after getting on the right end and dosage. It took a while, but I dialed it in.
Also, people are tribal animals. We do better in groups, where we feel a brotherhood. But, you have to find the right group and brotherhood. There are a LOT of groups I never fit into. I’m not super into a lot of typical guy things (I don’t like fishing or camping. I’m not into football or baseball). So, I just kind of did my own thing for a long time. Music helped out a lot, because I met a lot of other misfits. But, I’ll tell you, it wasn’t until I started trying random things that I found really cool people who were also misfits. That’s meant not judgement, no bullying, etc. For me, groups like book clubs, ballroom dance classes, anime events, etc, were super cool to find people who weren’t likely to pick on me. That got my confidence up. Now, I’m kind of addicted to forcing myself into uncomfortable situations to challenge who I am, and how I feel. Oftentimes we spend so much time worrying about others judging us, when we’re the ones being the most judgement of ourselves. Anyway, maybe get into some group therapy, meet some people, and see if you can get into some fun, hobby type situations that are likely to be full of misfits. You’ll be way less self conscious in a group like that. They’re way more accepting, Ive found. Just steer WAY clear of drugs, and even alcohol in those groups. Stuff can get weird at worst, and you’ll use it as a crutch at best.


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## Steinmetzify (Jun 22, 2018)

Vicious circle.

Plaintively, get the fuck out of your room. Seriously. Apathy is apathy until it isn’t. The only way out of apathy is to get to where you crave human companionship, even minutely. There’s no way that’s ever gonna happen while you’re spending most of your time in your room.

Take up a hobby, something that involves other people, no matter what it is, something you think you might develop an interest in.

This is coming from a former drug addict that had serious apathy levels.

You are NEVER going to fix this in your room.

Go out, meet people, no matter how much you don’t want to, get a job where you have to interact with people etc. FORCE yourself to do these kinds of things and eventually it’s 2nd nature man, I promise.

It’s gonna take awhile and you’re going to feel awkward, but it’ll come eventually. It might take weeks or months or a year, but you’ll get a feel for how to interact with the public based on the reactions of people you deal with on a daily.

You can’t expect this to change at ALL while still doing the same thing you’ve always done.

Like most human problems, this is way over thought and the solution is much simpler than you think it is.


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## Obsidian Soul (Jun 22, 2018)

I took a couple of days to think it over because what I say may be controversial at least.

I'm exactly where you are right now except I'm quite a bit younger,and I will agree with the consensus that getting a woman will not solve the problem.

I have done nearly everything that has been said here.I got promoted at my job,I got a nice car,I bought a new guitar,a Line 6 Helix,I started eating healthy,and I've been working out,which has transformed my body to the point where people have complemented me,but in the end I feel nothing.

My two hobbies of playing guitar and video games are a chore,and I seldom feel little if any pleasure in them.They are more of something I just do.

The only objective I have left is to release my music that I'm going to put my soul into until if you don't like it then at least you can say it made you feel something.


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## Steinmetzify (Jun 22, 2018)

Wow man. The apathy is strong with this one. 

Everything you e said is the advice I’d give OP. 

Work out, buy a nicer car, do well and your job, get paid etc...if all of these things make you feel nothing, keep as many of them as you need to survive and dump the rest and look elsewhere. Holy fuck.


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## NateFalcon (Jun 23, 2018)

The search for happiness doesn’t start or end with a nice body, nice car or house...people need to learn to appreciate life itself. Every sunset, sunrise, rainbow and everyday waking up alive is a blessing. I’m not religious but life is going to test you in hard times...if life is “too much” without anything going wrong imagine how hard it’ll get when you’re tested with an accident, illness or injury. 16 days ago on June 6th our lives changed forever with a 2:00 am phone call that my 17 yo son was at Legacy Emanuel Hospital with a gunshot to the head. We were told initially that he WOULD NOT survive, he never lost brain function and had 3 brain surgeries within 3 days to relieve bleeding and swelling...he did not show any physical responses for 3 days and we were told again that he had limited time until his heart would stop...then suddenly he started moving, then responding to touch, then opening his eyes, then following objects with his eyes...The first day I wondered how I’d EVER be able to live normally again. I’d been told twice my only son wouldn’t survive and had grieved for a “loss” that ended up not happening but then this crazy stuff started happening thanks to a hard-headed neurosurgeon who believed my son had a chance at a meaningful recovery. Now he’s miraculously out of the ICU, at Randall Children’s Hospital and I’ve been surrounded for the last week by other ill children, some terminal. Kids who never had a chance -it made me feel humble. Sometimes life gives you lemons and you just have to eat ‘em -peels and all. I quickly shifted gears from grief to fighting like hell. Depression or misery was and is NOT an option. It’s been a strange emotional journey but the love in my heart is HUGE!! I’d never thought I’d be this positive about such a shocking tragedy. This is fresh. My son may never wake up from his coma and the decisions only get harder from here on out but I have the guts to fight for my son’s recovery. My son needs my positivity and I now realize how beautiful and precious life really is...PS his name is James Skalman. Life is good!!!


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## Dame Ningen (Jun 23, 2018)

*@Obsidian Soul*

If your life is a mess and you're depressed, time to try and fix your life. If your life is in a good state and you're depressed, you probably have to get medical treatment.


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## TedEH (Jun 25, 2018)

Obsidian Soul said:


> getting a woman [...] got promoted [...] got a nice car [...] I bought a new [...etc]


I feel like some of this is missing the point of the advice. The point is not to say that you will magically be happy because you've checked all the requirements for things you should possess to be happy (and I'll reiterate that you shouldn't think of a relationship as a posestion), the point is that you're suppose to create a value/meaning for yourself and invest in it.

Like exercise is not about "I am fit now, so that should mean I'm happy right?", the point is that the act of exercising is an investment, and the feeling that you're doing something positive and making progress for yourself is the return on that investment. It doesn't make you happy because fit=happy, it makes you happy because you're progressing towards something you've attributed value to. It's not the end result that matters necessarily, it's the process, and the fact that you are moving towards a goal. If you just stop because you happened to reach an arbitrary goal, then you probably didn't want to do that in the first place, and need to pick a more appropriate goal. Or if you enjoyed the process, then step it up in some way. Get MORE fit. Learn MORE skills for your job. Start upgrading the car. It doesn't matter what- but make some progress towards something that holds value to you. You need a clear and achievable goal, and to move towards it.

Step 2 is to recognize that it's not realistic to expect to be happy all the time. Life isn't happy by default- you have to create that for yourself, and not be so hard on yourself when not in an ideal state of mind. Give yourself a break.


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## budda (Jun 25, 2018)

Pro tip for leaving the house and feeling fulfillment: volunteer.


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## A-Branger (Jun 25, 2018)

theres no set rule on what makes you happy, forget about what society tells you to what you should be doing example (getting a woman [...] got promoted [...] got a nice car [...] I bought a new [...etc]).... why having a "nice car" equals being happy?.... and what exactly its a ncie car for you?

I have been driving my same little 4wd for the last 8 years and I fricking love it. Only reason I would like to sell it is because its getting old till the point to fix everything/add extras for 4wd/camping, would cost more than the car itself. And if I sell it I would get a newer version of the same car.... I dont need a 5 ton hugeass 4wd to go camping, my little 4wd can do it on a laugh. And I dont need a BMW to make myself feel "happy", I jsut need a bull bar and bigger tires lol...... Seriusly, why its "good" to have a car with all that stupid stuff nowadays?, oooh look I can open the booth if I wiggle my foot under the bumper, and it closes with one button....... serusly?... I turn my key to open it and I use my hand... and Im happy about it. The less electronical things the better for me

Point is, everyone is happy in a different way. You dont need to "get promoted" and have a X or Y job to find "happiness", if you ahve that mentality you are gonig to get stuck on the endless road to find that promotion that might never come. And you would be forever miserable, and even IF you get it it might wont be what you were xpecting. Like GASing for X guitar for 4 years only to finally pick it up and discovering you dont like to deal with a floyd or dont like the neck shape, or simply be happy and then honeymooon finish and then you are like "Im not happy and now Im $$$$$ in debt for it"

As long as you have an income you can live with and have your basic needs check, the rest is up to you. Do what YOU want the way YOU want it, and give 0 fucks about what everyone around you thinks about it.... Thats the secret of happiness (or at least the start point of the journey)...... if something happens "cool", if it didnt happen? then "cool" too


also, never be afraid to change/flip your life/enviroment. Just because you were born/grow up on a certain place or have 2 friends/family there, it doesnt mean you have to HAVE to live there forever. You dont owe anything to anyone, you are you, and you do you first. If you hate the place were you are, then move away. Go work a summer season somewhere, do a winter in a remote freezing place, go work on an island, do a year on a cruiiseship, go live on the beach, or on a boat if thats what you like. If your dream was to do snowboarding, then move to the mountains and do a season there, move to Orlando and work a year on a Disney park if thats the only place in the world that makes you happy, you like hikking, then move to a place with the best mountain tracks around you........ I know these are shallow examples but hope you get the point. Dont be afraid to change your life and your environment to chase a place/job/lifestyle that you actually like


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## IGC (Jun 25, 2018)

EverDream said:


> I've talked about this a little before in some of the other threads in this forum, but only little bits of it, and I feel I need to make a proper topic about it and go into more detail.
> 
> I have never really talked about this in depth with people before, anywhere actually. I've been feeling miserable, mentally, very often, for as far back as I can remember, but it's been worse the last 7 years.
> 
> ...






You mentioned that you consider yourself "good looking" ? You havn't by any chance had instances, where people maybe don't like you or you feel like people don't like you because of how you look?


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## NateFalcon (Jun 25, 2018)

Inner chemistry, man...I’d be happy in a tree fort -I’m just wired that way. I don’t have it in me to stay mad or even upset for long. Some people are wired opposite...but a guitar forum is NOT where you’ll get help for these kind of issues. Learning yourself is the hardest puzzle sometimes. Counseling doesn’t mean you’re weird...go talk to someone, you might be surprised what you learn about yourself. You’re on the right track already...


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## possumkiller (Jun 26, 2018)

Get out of your comfort zone. It's scary but that is the point otherwise it would still be inside your comfort zone. I started out on the same path. Learning guitar when I was 14 got me a few friends and girlfriends. People in general and I still have a mutual dislike these days but I have a great wife and kids. Anyone that lives with you is going to annoy the hell out of you. My wife and kids annoy the hell out of my but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I am not good at all with people. I hate everything normal people like. I am not religious. I am not far enough left or right politically to get along with anyone. I don't see the point in small talk or putting up a facade to make guests feel welcome. My 35th birthday is Monday but I told my wife I don't want to do anything because I don't want to deal with inviting people over but of course I am expected to... Idk I just don't really like people and they don't seem to like me either. On the other hand I have noticed that if I drink enough to get buzzed but not pissed, it removes the stick from my ass and I become a normal human being. 

My cousin is the same only he always refuses to leave his comfort zone and wonders why he is lonely. He isn't bad looking but he seriously dresses himself up for failure. When we were teenagers I tried to get him to put some gel in his hair. He did it in the bathroom and actually looked presentable. Then he freaked out and washed it away and never touched it again. It's the same with his 1980s child molester bifocals. 

Nothing is going to happen for you at all until you push yourself outside.


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## budda (Jun 26, 2018)

I find it interesting the OP hasn't replied.


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## possumkiller (Jun 26, 2018)

budda said:


> I find it interesting the OP hasn't replied.


No longer in his comfort zone I guess?


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## TedEH (Jun 26, 2018)

budda said:


> I find it interesting the OP hasn't replied.


It's not very surprising though. The impression I get was that for OP, posing the question was an opportunity to just dump the feelings somewhere when such a release was needed, but there was never any intention to follow up on any responses. Which is fine. Whatever.


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## budda (Jun 26, 2018)

TedEH said:


> It's not very surprising though. The impression I get was that for OP, posing the question was an opportunity to just dump the feelings somewhere when such a release was needed, but there was never any intention to follow up on any responses. Which is fine. Whatever.



I wonder if he thought we were all going to say something different than what we said, and if that affects his non response. Or like you say maybe he wasnt going to reply anyway.

It did get others to open up though.


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## TedEH (Jun 26, 2018)

budda said:


> It did get others to open up though.


I'm all for a thread in which we explore/examine/deconstruct the general pursuit of happiness.


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## EverDream (Jun 29, 2018)

Guys after I made this thread I left the forum, and I haven't even been on this site since then.

You want to know why it has taken me 34 years of life to open up with strangers? Because I figured it wouldn't do any good, and that people would just tell me the same stuff all the counselors I've ever seen have told me. I finally got to the point where it is something that I feel if I don't make this post, nothing would ever change because nobody even knows about me so as to influence me. Well the only problem is, just about all of this advice is the same stuff that I've heard countless times by counselors and therapists and doctors. What does it mean? It means people still do not understand how my brain works.

When I wake up each day, I immediately go and do whatever it is that I feel like doing. Up until this point in life going out has never been something I have felt like doing. I only feel able to do what I feel like doing without thinking about it. I feel like being with a girlfriend, but I don't feel like going anywhere, so there's the problem in a nutshell.

If the only advice I'm going to be given is to go do the thing I just said I'm unable to do, then that is not helpful, and that's why I don't see counselors or therapists. My medicine does work... I'd be way worse if I didn't take it... but it's not good enough... medicine is not good enough.

I don't think about these things that make me desire intimate relationships, I just start feeling them involuntarily.

About the fear. I'm not afraid of leaving my comfort zone, I'm not afraid of being uncomfortable. I don't feel like going anywhere because there is nothing I'm interested in doing outside of my hobbies, and they all involve being at my computer.

It looks as if my 1 last thing I hadn't tried in life to save it from being a waste is going to be a failure because people think they know what my problem is, when the truth is nobody has a clue how I feel or I wouldn't be hearing the same things I always hear.

Honestly the reactions on here have only discouraged me even more. If no one is willing to be open minded to understanding how my mind works, then there is no hope for me. I know nobody owes me anything, nor have I ever had that attitude.

If nobody is interested in my life on a forum, then they wouldn't be interested in me in person either, so there's no point in ever leaving my bedroom as long as people aren't interested in me. You are telling me to be interested in other people first? I have done that all throughout my 20s and every time I did the other person made me feel as if they weren't really desiring to talk to me or interact with me. I got to the point where I was like "I'm done being the person to initiate the interest in another person, it's somebody elses turn now". All being interested in other people was doing was leading to me feeling like I was unwanted, I'm not going to keep doing that over and over forever, and I did it as long as I could and now I'm through, if someone can't be interested in me first, then just f*ck everything to hell.


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## possumkiller (Jun 29, 2018)

Do you ever wonder if there may be a reason everyone says the same thing?


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## TedEH (Jun 29, 2018)

Sweet jebus dude, there's been some really stellar advice in this thread, and all I can get from your last post is that you don't want to try any of it. That's 100% your own fault. It's not anyone else's job to fix your life, YOU have to do it.

You want to know why you're not meeting someone who wants to initiate a relationship? Because this is what you put forward:


EverDream said:


> f*ck everything to hell


That's not attractive. It's exactly the opposite. If you were putting the effort in to put yourself out there, to be available to meet someone (I doubt you are), then this attitude is an immediate turn off for any potential partner. If you want someone to want you, you need to offer something for them to want.

You asked, we delivered. You can either take the really good advice you've been given and run with it, or nobody can help you. It's blunt, it's unpleasant, but it's the truth.


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## NateFalcon (Jun 29, 2018)

EverDream said:


> Guys after I made this thread I left the forum, and I haven't even been on this site since then.
> 
> You want to know why it has taken me 34 years of life to open up with strangers? Because I figured it wouldn't do any good, and that people would just tell me the same stuff all the counselors I've ever seen have told me. I finally got to the point where it is something that I feel if I don't make this post, nothing would ever change because nobody even knows about me so as to influence me. Well the only problem is, just about all of this advice is the same stuff that I've heard countless times by counselors and therapists and doctors. What does it mean? It means people still do not understand how my brain works.
> 
> ...


Maybe a comfort pet?


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## DudeManBrother (Jun 29, 2018)

@EverDream Has anyone ever told you that your Thyroid, parathyroid, and thymus glands sound like they’re in total failure mode? Do you have anger issues as well? That’s probably kidney failure if so. Medical doctors only work with suppressing symptoms, not actually healing people, that’s something only you can do for yourself with strict discipline. I’d talk to you in private more if your serious about ideas on getting better, but most people prefer to hold onto their pain and suffering like a baby blanket.


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## Necris (Jun 29, 2018)

You don't seem to have any interest in making any effort and your resistance to what is the only logical answer makes it appear that the only "solution" you'll accept is one that's pure fantasy: That one day, as you sit at your computer, a woman will show up outside of your apartment, walk in and lavish you with love, attention and understanding without asking anything of you and allow you to occupy yourself only with those things that you "want to do" while you give literally nothing in return.

If no-one took an interest your post would have gone completely unnoticed and no-one would have made any effort to address your issues and this thread would have no replies. Your assumption that no-one could possibly understand where you're coming from is self-serving. You can keep believing that yours is a unique problem that requires a unique solution, but it's not. Stop trying to shift responsibility for your situation away from yourself. No-one here has failed you, any therapists or counselors who gave you the same advice haven't failed you, and your medication hasn't failed you. You're the common denominator and it's ultimately you who bears responsibility for making the changes that need to be made. As of today nothing has changed, and that's on you.


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## mpexus (Jun 29, 2018)

Venting your frustrations to total strangers (being it on Forums, Bar, Groceries store etc) is a sign of Depression and a Sign that you are in need to be heard. Not accepting or not having the will to also change is the biggest sign of Depression... I know what im talking about and i will tell you to go do things you wouldn't normally do(go run, walk, skate, clean the beach sand of cigarette butts, something), doesn't matter if they look like a drag, its the forcing you to go do something that will start to make the "machine" work and one thing leads to the other and it will start to change your perception on things.

Being depressed makes us close inside a damn bubble that we dont allow no one to even touch most of the times. This invisble barrier makes it extremely difficult for outsiders to even know how to communicate... because in reality no one understands us, but they do, they just dont know how to express it, the same way we seem to forget on how to communicate with the "outside" people.

I seriously tell you to seek proper help, its makes a huge huge difference to have someone on the other side that, wont judge us and will make us understand and know ourselves so we can start changing or adapting our behaviors. It certainly helped me almost 3 years ago, made me had the guts to go do something different and it was breath of fresh air on my life to be honest. I Should had seek proper help years ago.

We are our "worst enemies" when Depressed and although outside help really helps, we as soon as we start to feel stronger, have to also make the effort to keep going. One thing leads to another and so on.

Wish you can find what you are looking for.


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## budda (Jun 29, 2018)

He has seen professionals who said what we have said here, and his decision was to keep doing what he's doing.

No one can help you if you dont help yourself.


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## NateFalcon (Jun 29, 2018)

Depression is becoming so common that it’s specialized...maybe it’s the hormones or preservatives, I’m not sure but my brother and all his friends are going through strange depressions (2 suicides) in their early and mid 20’s. My brother never had any clear signs as a kid of depression other than a little acting out so it manifested after adolescence...he just so happened to eat the worst diet imaginable and was pretty deficient in a lot a vitamins and minerals, not to mention a 12 pack of beer every night. He stopped drinking, started cooking meals at home from raw ingredients and he became a different person all the way around -it’s worth looking into your diet as mentioned earlier...


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## mpexus (Jun 29, 2018)

budda said:


> He has seen professionals who said what we have said here, and his decision was to keep doing what he's doing.
> 
> No one can help you if you dont help yourself.




Its super hard to get off the freaking pit when you are there, maybe he hasn't found a proper person to help him. I used to "joke" that Depression were for the Rich people only... until I felt into one... it blocks you in every conceivable way and the worst thing anyone in that state can hear is: Hey man... you have to get out of that. Its like saying to a Homeless person that he needs to find an apartment and stop living on the street.

Its a thing that will never go away... its for Life, we just need to learn how to deal with and anticipate it as soon as we start to feel the symptoms again, and its sometimes a struggle to try to not go down again.


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## A-Branger (Jun 29, 2018)

I get what the OP is saying about "no one understands me so no one cares about to give me proper advice..." or something like that.

and yeah fair enough, maybe we all are giving you cliche/generic advice. But also remember, no one here knows you, no one here knows whats happening inside your head, only you knows. So dont blame us about our lack of proper advice when you havent give us much insight of yourself. ITs like complaining that you got a chocolate cake for your Bday when you never mentioned you hated chocolate.

We give you advice based on the info you gave us and on our personal experiences, and thats as far as we could do. And for a guitar/metal related forum heck, theres heaps of love for you in here bro. Like someone mentioned, we could have jsut ignore your post, but instead you got people fully worried and interested in giving you a hand. And I bet you if you said "Ok I would try X or Y" and then come back with "I tried and this or that happened and I failed" I bet you we all would jump to guide you forward and keep giving you advice on what to do next, or how to improve


everyone is different, we only trying to advice what worked for us. In my case when I was full into depression with vage suicidal thoughs these were the things that helped me:
-Move to a new place
-Meds
-Having my dog, as it pushed me to get out of the house to take her for walks/swim
-I joined a bootcam plus gym
-I chatted every night with a friend
-surf
-forget about my love life situation and the way I always used to think about it. Be at peace with it and accept that "it is what it is... if it happen cool, if it doesnt happen then cool too".... and apply that knowledge to everything else


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## budda (Jun 29, 2018)

mpexus said:


> Its super hard to get off the freaking pit when you are there, maybe he hasn't found a proper person to help him. I used to "joke" that Depression were for the Rich people only... until I felt into one... it blocks you in every conceivable way and the worst thing anyone in that state can hear is: Hey man... you have to get out of that. Its like saying to a Homeless person that he needs to find an apartment and stop living on the street.
> 
> Its a thing that will never go away... its for Life, we just need to learn how to deal with and anticipate it as soon as we start to feel the symptoms again, and its sometimes a struggle to try to not go down again.



I have had and currently have depression. I have friends and family with depression.

The OP came in asking for advice, got it, and doesnt like it. He hasnt found the right professional because he hasnt made a change. Its the same patterns thus the same results.

The only change I can find is that he went on medication and it helped stabilize him. If you can identify why you're not feeling well, then chances are you can make any type of small step towards positive change from that place. From what I can tell, he hasnt taken that step. He has the medication, the next move is his.


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## IGC (Jun 29, 2018)

EverDream said:


> Guys after I made this thread I left the forum, and I haven't even been on this site since then.
> 
> You want to know why it has taken me 34 years of life to open up with strangers? Because I figured it wouldn't do any good, and that people would just tell me the same stuff all the counselors I've ever seen have told me. I finally got to the point where it is something that I feel if I don't make this post, nothing would ever change because nobody even knows about me so as to influence me. Well the only problem is, just about all of this advice is the same stuff that I've heard countless times by counselors and therapists and doctors. What does it mean? It means people still do not understand how my brain works.
> 
> ...




Can you tell us about one "real life " instance when you tried to meet someone and how it went wrong... like specifcs?

Did you put yourselfe "out there" only to be douched upon?

The old too cool / special for you?


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## EverDream (Jun 30, 2018)

The "f*ck everything to hell" attitude I rarely ever exhibit, so that's not the reason people aren't interested in me. I'm only exhibiting it now because I'm pretty much at the point where I'm about to give up trying to live at all. I've tried to be helpful and friendly with people throughout life, but it was never good enough for anyone to be interested in me I guess.

Most of you guys are acting like I want everyone to do everything for me, and that is not true, I only want people to believe me when I say I feel unable to do something. I am sick of people telling me it's my fault when I feel no control over the choices that I make in life. I do whatever I feel like doing, without knowing why I feel like doing it, and I feel no ability to do anything but that, that is the honest truth whether you believe me or not. As long as people don't believe me, I am never going to live. If you don't care, then fine, go your merry way and let me rot alone in my room. I have no will to live, I don't want anything but an end to myself. I am NOT going to attempt to take my life, but I do wish to not exist anymore, I do wish I could be euthanized right now.

Call me whatever you want, I don't give a f*ck, I don't give a sh*t if nobody is interested in me, so come on hate me, hate me, hate me, I want it, hate me, f*cking hate me, I hope the whole universe dies and everything in it, I hate life and I view it as a curse. I will be spewing my hatred onto everything until somebody ends my life. I don't deserve to live, I hope my life ends ASAP. F*ck everything, my life is over and I don't give a sh*t. Everybody talk to your f*cking self because I don't give a sh*t what you or anybody thinks. My soul is gone, and only my body remains, with the devil controlling it.


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## mpexus (Jun 30, 2018)

No one hates you and people are listening to you, even though you might think no one is caring, its not true. We are talking to you, so feel free to reply if you want.


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## budda (Jun 30, 2018)

EverDream said:


> I've tried to be helpful and friendly with people throughout life, but it was never good enough for anyone to be interested in me I guess.



Being helpful and friendly generally isn't supposed to be done with the expectation of getting something back as a reward though.

When is the last time you spoke to a professional? What was your last real-life social interaction?

_"Most of you guys are acting like I want everyone to do everything for me, and that is not true, I only want people to believe me when I say I feel unable to do something. I am sick of people telling me it's my fault when I feel no control over the choices that I make in life. I do whatever I feel like doing, without knowing why I feel like doing it, and I feel no ability to do anything but that"
_
Let me ask you this - can you recall a time where you did know why you felt like doing something? You felt in control to make this thread, and you knew why you made it. What about before that? What steps have you taken recently to *try* and make conscious choices other than creating this thread? I bet that there's more than the 0 times you say you've had.


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## budda (Jun 30, 2018)

holy double post


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## Obsidian Soul (Jun 30, 2018)

DudeManBrother said:


> @EverDream Has anyone ever told you that your Thyroid, parathyroid, and thymus glands sound like they’re in total failure mode? Do you have anger issues as well? That’s probably kidney failure if so. Medical doctors only work with suppressing symptoms, not actually healing people, that’s something only you can do for yourself with strict discipline. I’d talk to you in private more if your serious about ideas on getting better, but most people prefer to hold onto their pain and sufferin


Maybe that's my problem,but I'm not going to the hospital.


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## diagrammatiks (Jun 30, 2018)

Man you have a debilitating medical condition 

Non of this pursuit of happiness stuff is going to take care of that. 

See your doctors. Ask for much stronger meds. One step at a time.


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## TedEH (Jun 30, 2018)

Unless you're trolling or exaggerating, your problems are beyond asking guitar forum regulars for generic life advice. We've given you the best advice available with the limited information we have. Go see a professional. Doesn't matter if you've done that already - do it again - go to a different one. Get a second or third opinion. Being dramatic on a guitar forum will solve exactly zero of your problems.


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## possumkiller (Jun 30, 2018)

Life isn't about doing what you want. Try to have a little self discipline and make yourself do something you know you don't want to do that will get you out and interacting with others. When you interact with others don't act like you despise every moment and can't wait to get back to your comfortable bedroom. If you don't have enough will power to help yourself, you probably need some strong medication. Try getting drunk.


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## budda (Jun 30, 2018)

possumkiller said:


> Try getting drunk.



Dont, actually. You're on medication, medication generally doesnt mix well with booze. You also dont want to become dependent on alcohol to feel normal or accepted - that opens up a lot of other problems.


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## possumkiller (Jun 30, 2018)

Idk when I get buzzed i feel like a normal person and people get along with me a lot better. I find about half a litre of beer will keep me in a good state for about an hour and a half. So theoretically if I just drink half a litre of beer every hour and a half while I'm in social situations, I should be good. I guess I would be a social drinker.


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## IGC (Jun 30, 2018)

EverDream said:


> The "f*ck everything to hell" attitude I rarely ever exhibit, so that's not the reason people aren't interested in me. I'm only exhibiting it now because I'm pretty much at the point where I'm about to give up trying to live at all. I've tried to be helpful and friendly with people throughout life, but it was never good enough for anyone to be interested in me I guess.
> 
> Most of you guys are acting like I want everyone to do everything for me, and that is not true, I only want people to believe me when I say I feel unable to do something. I am sick of people telling me it's my fault when I feel no control over the choices that I make in life. I do whatever I feel like doing, without knowing why I feel like doing it, and I feel no ability to do anything but that, that is the honest truth whether you believe me or not. As long as people don't believe me, I am never going to live. If you don't care, then fine, go your merry way and let me rot alone in my room. I have no will to live, I don't want anything but an end to myself. I am NOT going to attempt to take my life, but I do wish to not exist anymore, I do wish I could be euthanized right now.
> 
> Call me whatever you want, I don't give a f*ck, I don't give a sh*t if nobody is interested in me, so come on hate me, hate me, hate me, I want it, hate me, f*cking hate me, I hope the whole universe dies and everything in it, I hate life and I view it as a curse. I will be spewing my hatred onto everything until somebody ends my life. I don't deserve to live, I hope my life ends ASAP. F*ck everything, my life is over and I don't give a sh*t. Everybody talk to your f*cking self because I don't give a sh*t what you or anybody thinks. My soul is gone, and only my body remains, with the devil controlling it.




I don't claim to be a professional, but have had like 10 years of being counseled on the regular about my own mental problems with varying counselors. Took about 5 before I found one I really felt a connection with. These thoughts are Mental Hang Ups. What I find helpfull in these situations is this: when the thoughts "pop", "drop" them. Realize your thoughts "popping" and "drop" them as soon as they happen. Then take steps to move forward. I'm not saying I don't struggle any more, I do but small exercises like this are a big thing. 

Tried any dating web sites?


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## myrtorp (Jun 30, 2018)

Mind and body is strongly connected, sitting still too much, eating badly and fapping!! too much are all things that affect the mind. Depression is a hole that takes time to get out of, adopting all positive things at once will not make it better fast, but it will be a long serving remedy to the right path. 
Being more physical really helps but must be done alot to take effect, a good start is 1 hour walk every single day, maybe sound stupid but your mind and body is 2 sides of the same coin, you should care for both.
I have problems myself, feeling useless and unmotivated, many days I wake up way too late and dont want to get up because there is no reason to. I dont have any dreams or big wants. But I have my ups and downs, and it is during my ups that I get things done. 

The replies ive seen have been friendly and helpful, people do care. But it's hard to give advice without knowing the person and maybe you read snarky tones in replies where there are none. I want you all the best.


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## Rosal76 (Jun 30, 2018)

TedEH said:


> Unless you're trolling or exaggerating, your problems are beyond asking guitar forum regulars for generic life advice.



IMHO, I think what the OP really needs is a close friend/individual to actually be with him, like in the same room to talk to. Communication through email/cell phones/internet forums/phones/etc, etc, etc is nice and all, I communicate through all those, but IMHO, nothing is gonna beat a friend(s)/family member(s)/individual who are in the same room talking face to face.

I know it's lot to ask for but, "maybe" someone here on this forum from California (where the OP is also from) could go meet him somewhere in a public place and just talk. Talking to someone face to face for me is like, the best medicine in the world. Subjective within everyone of course.


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## budda (Jun 30, 2018)

Humans need social interaction, as Rosal mentioned. That's why isolation works so well for prisoners. This is part of why so many replies are encouraging the OP to leave his room.


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## NateFalcon (Jun 30, 2018)

EverDream said:


> The "f*ck everything to hell" attitude I rarely ever exhibit, so that's not the reason people aren't interested in me. I'm only exhibiting it now because I'm pretty much at the point where I'm about to give up trying to live at all. I've tried to be helpful and friendly with people throughout life, but it was never good enough for anyone to be interested in me I guess.
> 
> Most of you guys are acting like I want everyone to do everything for me, and that is not true, I only want people to believe me when I say I feel unable to do something. I am sick of people telling me it's my fault when I feel no control over the choices that I make in life. I do whatever I feel like doing, without knowing why I feel like doing it, and I feel no ability to do anything but that, that is the honest truth whether you believe me or not. As long as people don't believe me, I am never going to live. If you don't care, then fine, go your merry way and let me rot alone in my room. I have no will to live, I don't want anything but an end to myself. I am NOT going to attempt to take my life, but I do wish to not exist anymore, I do wish I could be euthanized right now.
> 
> Call me whatever you want, I don't give a f*ck, I don't give a sh*t if nobody is interested in me, so come on hate me, hate me, hate me, I want it, hate me, f*cking hate me, I hope the whole universe dies and everything in it, I hate life and I view it as a curse. I will be spewing my hatred onto everything until somebody ends my life. I don't deserve to live, I hope my life ends ASAP. F*ck everything, my life is over and I don't give a sh*t. Everybody talk to your f*cking self because I don't give a sh*t what you or anybody thinks. My soul is gone, and only my body remains, with the devil controlling it.


Depression or not, you get back what you put out...


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## brutalwizard (Jul 2, 2018)

Best advice I ever got from this forum was to look into cognitive behavorial therapy when i was a bit younger. Something i actually did.Im almost 26, still hella weird, honestly hate existing 60% of the time. But in the times i dont, damn is life tight dude.


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## A-Branger (Jul 2, 2018)

those were actually good words to make a song!, nice lyrics hehhe

Im sorry, Im not trying to joke on you, maybe try to get a smile out of you?.... but what you wrote could be a pretty cool song, maybe try to develop it into one? that might take your mind out of things for a while and keep you distracted with a purpose?

leaving funny things aside for a minute, for me IMO you need a BIG change in your life. A big flip. Move away, fuck everything and start from 0 on a new place and a new environment. You are at a low point in your life that theres nothing right now there for you, so you have nothing holding you back and nothing to loose. Get away, find a new place to move into, and when I say move away Im not saying move to the next block, Im talking about a 100% flip. Change states, change country, change climate, go to the opposite side from where you are, as far as you can go


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## EverDream (Jul 4, 2018)

I guess the devil decided to take a vacation from my body because I'm back, lol.

First off I apologize for snapping on you all at the end of my last post, but I felt I needed to be open and not try to omit things that make me look like a monster. When I get mentally overwhelmed with negative feelings, then I tend to lose control of my thoughts, as was evident in the things I said, lol.

I appreciate everybody's advice (even though I knew about all of it already). I wouldn't be leaving a message on a forum if I was able to force myself to see a doctor. One of you said it solves zero. Wrong... it gives me peace of mind, so it solves that. I've put myself out there, you guys know about me and my life now. Prior to that, nobody knew, absolutely nobody. It gives me peace of mind to know that I'm not completely unknown about outside of my family now. Don't talk about it not being real life, that's the most bullshit thing I always hear. The internet may not put people together in flesh, but you are all very much *REAL* people, so it is real life, just not *in person*.

And about the snarkyness... basically the mood I was in last time I came here... not only did everything sound snarky, but it sounded extremely ignorant of my post. I left most details in my original post purposely so I'd avoid hearing redundant stuff I've already heard and obviously it was ignored because I still heard it anyway. That's kinda what pissed me off that most, and then basically everything sounded like people were just trying to blame me for something I don't feel in control of, which is ridiculous. Speaking of ridicule, that's another thing I felt that was being put upon me. It felt like the whole world hates me, and that really made my brain snap.

I feel I have to stay at home for my own protection, and to protect others from my triggers. When something triggers me... it's already too late, I feel possessed at that point. If I can get along with someone through the internet, then it's a much safer bet to meet them some day then just being around people who I have no clue how I'm going to react to because most people do (unintentionally) cause my brain to go haywire.

I know why I started this thread yes... what I meant when I said "I don't know why..." I meant stuff that I feel unable to do... I don't know the reasons why I'm not able to do something or force myself to do something, that I don't feel like doing. The whole problem is the things I feel unable to force myself to do are the things that get me out of my house. So it's either post on this forum, or just stay silent with no feedback from anyone at all of any kind. I think I got to the point where I preferred the former. In the end I had to just do it, just so that my story is out there.

Another thing I wanted to clear up was that, when I said I wanted an intimate relationship... I meant to be in a relationship of course. You took it as if I wanted to be with a girl so she could do all the work for me and live her life for me. 100% exactly wrong. Here's what I really want...

I want to be in an intimate relationship with a girl because, being with a girl that I'm extremely attracted to has the effect on me of making me extraordinarily unselfish (whether you believe it or not) and feeling like I can do anything, and feeling willing to as well. And that is EXACTLY what I need, and the only thing they have to do is just be my partner and live with me, that's it, just being with them will motivate me to do anything and everything (that is my odd quirk, that people may have a hard time believing, but it definitely is true, I know for a fact from observing my own attitude while simulating it in my mind, and also from how I behaved around girls in school, even though it was never a relationship because I was not popular enough for anyone that had that effect on me).

Now if you didn't keep an open mind and take me seriously and learn how my mind works by reading that whole last paragraph, then just go away, you are not helping me, you are only inspiring me to be a mindless monster who only wants to destroy everything there is, in a blackout rage with no thought or care for anything. Just go, don't waste either of our times, and provoke me into something which will not be good. Here I have something that DOES work, but everyone wants to ignore it because it's not *practical*... well, well... AT LEAST IT IS SOMETHING, I'd rather it be something that's more practical as well, but at least it's something. It's better to work with what I know works then to have nothing to work with at all. It actually is the only hope, because nothing else motivates me to do anything meaningful with myself, including going to counselors or doctors. Not practical at all, I agree, but it will have to do, as it's the only thing there is.

That being said...


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## EverDream (Jul 4, 2018)

I wasn't done describing what I want...

Okay so let's say I was living with a girlfriend today... hypothetically... what would happen? Well I'd tell her about the problems I have and I'd see what she thinks, if she thinks I should see a counselor or doctor about it, then guess what... I would be able to finally because I'm happy with my situation, which would enable me. I've never been happy with my situation in life, ever, so maybe that's the problem. But the only situation that would enable me to get help would be this one, I've already simulated every situation I could imagine and none of them sparked any feeling of being able, so that's the only thing that will enable me, that I know of right now. So yes I would go and do whatever she wanted me to do, if I knew that at the end of the day, I'm coming home to her and she's my romantic partner!

Ok so the problem is... getting the partner. Apparently that's something that I am only able to attempt to find online... however I have stopped looking because I got tired of always being ignored even when I've only been nice. Oh and about that "don't do nice things expecting something back"... ummmm, the thing is... if I'm being nice and not getting anything back... that's not fair, and I don't want to live if I'm not gonna be treated fairly by life. Other people do nice things and it compels people to do nice things back, so why should it be any different when I'm nice... that's not right, I'm not getting treated right, even if it's just by chance, it's just not right and I won't willingly exist on this earth if that's how things are going to go for me every damn time (like they have).

You might not like my attitude, but I can't help it, it's how I feel about things, it's what makes sense to me. I don't have this attitude when I simulate having a girlfriend however... It seems like this attitude only stems from me feeling under-appreciated, the way things have gone for me in life, it makes sense that I would feel that way. If I had a girlfriend what I would want to do is live my life for her to please her, not me. The world would indeed revolve around her, and I'd want it to. I wouldn't let her walk all over me mind you, but as long as she's not doing anything like that then yes I'd just be happy to focus on pleasing her pretty much all the time.

Does that sound like what you thought I was wanting when I said I wanted an intimate relationship? Hell no is the answer... because you were saying that I wanted her to do all the work for me, etc. I haven't tried to meet a girl online in like over a year, because I feel some kind of bad luck about it, and so it's like "what's the point?" if I'm just doomed to failure no matter what I do, then why even try? So I don't. Am I not doomed to failure? Well I'd need to see evidence that I'm not, because I don't think I ever have had any, so yeah, I didn't start out live thinking this way, but when it's the same way every time, and I haven't done anything wrong, then something screwy is going on, and so yeah I start to feel like I'm being setup to fail by something, so then of course I start to feel hopeless and not care about life anymore. I feel like I'm actively being denied what I want the most in life by something that simply doesn't want me to ever get what I want. That is how I feel pretty much always, ever since I've noticed the trend.

Okay, so if you want to try to help me, then you will work with what I've said. Telling me things like "you're never going to get better thinking that way" is only going to make things worse, because this is me, this is how I think, I can't think like anyone but me, I can't be anyone but me. So don't even bother replying if that's what you think, you won't be helping anything, only hurting. If someone sincerely wants to help me, then it's going to take time and effort, but it can be done online in PM or email, I'm willing to talk with someone as long as they remain open and don't develop this attitude of "this is 100% the reason why you're not getting better". Brute force will only piss me off, my brain needs a whisperer.

If nobody wants to, then oh well, at least I tried. At least I put myself out there so that I'm not totally unknown about by the whole universe. That was the very minimum goal I wanted to achieve to feel better about myself, and I achieved it. It might not be a lot of people who will see it, but it is SOMETHING, and that's better than nothing, which is what it was for the first 34 years of my life.

That's all I got to say, if you don't like me, then just go away. That being said, I appreciate any effort that has been put into attempting to help me, even if it didn't. I never meant for my feelings to undermine that fact, so thank you. And remember... I'm not miserable 100% of the time... I do have happy moods, but what I meant by miserable... what I meant was... despite the good moods, I never really felt happy to be alive ever my whole life, so in that kind of way I've been *miserable* my whole life, but I didn't mean my mood was literally that way constantly. 99.9% of my interactions with the world (even if it's not that much relative to how long I've been alive) have been with a friendly and positive energy. If you look at my posts on this forum you'll see that I haven't really been complaining about anything really ever, mostly I've just tried to help people with my knowledge.

I didn't do those things without expecting something in return... so you see? I'm not like that, I just feel that way with things that never happen for me with no logical explanation why, I'm just tired of feeling like I'm actually cursed by something, when I feel something is not happening because of that, that's when I get pissed off, because I did nothing in life to deserve a curse. Okay, I'm done, I've said a lot for now, and if people really wanted a novel, I think there is way more interesting ones out there than my life, lol.

Bye for now.


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## TedEH (Jul 4, 2018)

EverDream said:


> Does that sound like what you thought I was wanting when I said I wanted an intimate relationship?


Absolutely.

Everything you've said has just reinforced the idea that you don't understand how relationships are built. The impression I get is that you've built an ideal in your head and aren't willing to accept anything less than that. On paper, it's good to have goals and standards, but it has to be a realistic one to begin with. What you're asking for is not a partner, it's for your emotional needs to be fulfilled. It's easy to confuse those two things but they are incredibly different.



EverDream said:


> I would be able to finally because I'm happy with my situation, which would enable me.


Think about how backwards this part is -> You're saying you won't seek help until you're happy, but the thing you're seeking help for is that you're not happy. Why would you wait until the problem is magically resolved already before searching for a solution?

I know you don't want to hear it, but the assumption that having a partner around will just "make you happy" by default is incorrect. That's not how things work.



EverDream said:


> Okay, so if you want to try to help me, then you will work with what I've said.


Unfortunately, you don't get to dictate the terms of what will realistically solve your problems. You're specifically telling people to try to help you in ways that are NOT going to help you at all. That's *the whole point* of professional help - that someone else is directing your recovery. They know how to deal with things that you are unequipped to figure out on your own. This is not an insult, it doesn't mean anyone hates you, it's not a put down, it's not anyone not believing what you say.

But at the end of the day you have to realize that you are wrong about how to solve your issues. Sorry to be blunt about it, but your self-made solutions are not going to work. You've asked people to be open minded -> you need to do the same thing yourself. You need to allow for the possibility that what's *really* going to help you is something that you would not have come up with on your own, or that doesn't strike you as comfortable or ideal.

Go talk to someone in person about this. Anyone. Any reasonable person, in person.


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## IGC (Jul 4, 2018)

EverDream said:


> I guess the devil decided to take a vacation from my body because I'm back, lol.
> 
> First off I apologize for snapping on you all at the end of my last post, but I felt I needed to be open and not try to omit things that make me look like a monster. When I get mentally overwhelmed with negative feelings, then I tend to lose control of my thoughts, as was evident in the things I said, lol.
> 
> ...




Ok , so lets find find you the ideal female partner...So far physical attraction seems to be #1.
Maybe describe for us what your looking for "looks wise" in YOUR ideal female partner. 
In my experience(a lot) you might find some chick that your apeshits about in the looks category. But when you try to talk to talk to her she might not like you at all. She might flat out reject you. But you have to move on and keep trying elseware. So be open to compromise when it comes to looks... "ok well she may not look like this or that, BUT I do like this about her looks and the fact that she is wiling to f$ck my brains out makes me into a new man."


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## possumkiller (Jul 4, 2018)

I'm pretty sure when the newness wears off and you get used to her and she props up your confidence a bit you'll slip right back into your comfort zone and make her miserable with you until she leaves. It happens to tons of people. You sound like you don't want help and just want people to tell you what you want to hear.


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## Necris (Jul 4, 2018)

EverDream said:


> Does that sound like what you thought I was wanting when I said I wanted an intimate relationship?





Necris said:


> ...*the viewpoint you seem to hold towards romantic relationships... (is) extremely toxic*. You may not realize it but you're reducing a relationship that should be fulfilling and reciprocal to something one-sided and self-serving... hypothetical woman as a cure for all of the ills in your life, *expecting her to be a source of external motivation that will overcome your lack of internal motivation/your personal fears and help to pull you out of the rut you're stuck in*, simply as a tool make _yourself_ better. If/when this person finally enters your life that expectation will hurt you both.


A slightly condensed form of my post on the first page. In short, based on the information you've provided in your second post on this page, yes, almost exactly. And now you're making thinly veiled threats to try to ward off any posts that don't approach your problem in the manner you deem fit.


EverDream said:


> Now* if you didn't keep an open mind and take me seriously and learn how my mind works by reading that whole last paragraph*, then just go away, you are not helping me, *you are only inspiring me to be a mindless monster* *who only wants to destroy everything there is,* in a blackout rage with no thought or care for anything. Just go, *don't waste either of our times, and provoke me into something which will not be good*.



Respectfully, you are not at all in a healthy place mentally and, if you were to find a relationship, I only see you deteriorating further when confronted with the realities of a romantic relationship with another person. You need to see a professional.


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## MFB (Jul 4, 2018)

> Okay so let's say I was living with a girlfriend today... hypothetically... what would happen? Well I'd tell her about the problems I have and I'd see what she thinks, if she thinks I should see a counselor or doctor about it, then guess what... I would be able to finally because I'm happy with my situation, *which would enable me*. I've never been happy with my situation in life, ever, so maybe that's the problem. But the only situation *that would enable me* to get help would be this one, I've already simulated every situation I could imagine and none of them sparked any feeling of being able, so that's the only thing that will enable me, that I know of right now. *So yes I would go and do whatever she wanted me to do*, if I knew that at the end of the day, I'm coming home to her and she's my romantic partner!



Let me get this straight - you'd take your new partner's advice, solely based on the fact that she's your partner, but not someone who's actually needed the aid of a counselor or therapist and sought it out, to which they got good results, because they're _not _your partner?



> OK so the problem is... getting the partner. Apparently that's something that I am only able to attempt to find online... however I have stopped looking because I got tired of always being ignored even when I've only been *nice*. Oh and about that "don't do *nice* things expecting something back"... ummmm, the thing is... if I'm being *nice* and not getting anything back... that's not fair, and I don't want to live if I'm not gonna be treated fairly by life. Other people do *nice* things and it compels people to do *nice* things back, so why should it be any different when I'm *nice*... that's not right, I'm not getting treated right, even if it's just by chance, it's just not right and I won't willingly exist on this earth if that's how things are going to go for me every damn time (like they have).



This sounds like a whole boatload of neckbeard/theredpill/etc... and quite frankly, needs to fucking die. Life ISN'T fair, girls DO like nice guys, and chances are with how much you've emphasized your 'trying to be nice' it comes off as super shallow and try-hard: which isn't nice at all. If you want to be nice, just be nice, but don't do it thinking it's going to make the world suddenly owe you. It doesn't owe you fuck all. Being nice is not expecting something in return, it's sincerity, just doing it because you know it's the thing you should do.


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## A-Branger (Jul 4, 2018)

EverDream said:


> I want to be in an intimate relationship with a girl because, being with a girl that I'm extremely attracted to has the effect on me of making me extraordinarily unselfish (whether you believe it or not) and feeling like I can do anything, and feeling willing to as well. And that is EXACTLY what I need, and the only thing they have to do is just be my partner and live with me, that's it, just being with them will motivate me to do anything and everything (that is my odd quirk, that people may have a hard time believing, but it definitely is true, I know for a fact from observing my own attitude while simulating it in my mind, and also from how I behaved around girls in school, even though it was never a relationship because I was not popular enough for anyone that had that effect on me)




I get you, I just kinda went trough that with a chick that for a moment I though I had a chance with (maybe I did, but nothing really happened after a while, like things got reaaaly close at one point and we even had a little kiss), plus latter on when I was datting with another chick for a bit before she sadly moved away..... When I was in that moment (thinking there was a chance with the one I ahd a massive crush with) and things were moving forward, I was way more motivated. I was already ona journey to get fit/loose weight/be more active..... But having her in y mind gave me the extra push to keep waking up at stupid early times in the morning and do my gym, and laso to keep going for hikes/runs after work.... If not on my days off I just wanted to go for a big hike, and 80% of the reason was to get to the top, take a pic, posted in instagram/FB, mostly to see that she "like" the pic. That, as stupid at it sounded, made my whole day, put a smile on my face and give me the motivation to go out tomorrow for another run so I could keep working towards a point to improove myself so I could get a chick like her.

as a side effect of all that, not only I lost weight/look better. but I became more interesting to other chicks as I do something/got a hobby, and once I meet the chick I dated for a bit we could talk about it, I took her for a couple fo hikes and she was impressed by my fitness journey, Im not saying taht was the reason why we dated, but it definitely helped to "seal the deal"..... Who knows, maybe on a future I would meet one thats into hiking like me

Now, the problem is for you to figure it out a way to motivate yourself now. Yes, its awesome having someone there who would motivate you to improove yourself, but you cant sit and wait to that person arrives so then you could start that journey, because chances are you might wont do it, or only for a bit. Maybe instead of going with "I would do this for her", you need change it into "I would do this so I could find one like her"..... you need to get better/look better first, be ready for once she arrives. And once she does, then the extra motivation would only help you to boost yourself into overdrive.

Think about it with guitars. You cant be like "I would only start learning/improving guitar once I get my Custom made 4k$ guitar" .... which we all know GAS wont cure us, gear doesnt make us play better, and once honeymoon face is over then we get bored to play the same 3 songs on it and we are back to the same spot as before with a expensive guitar...... Instead of practicing now everyday, so when times comes you can afford such dreamy guitar, then you could apprecciate it, know the specs you really wanted, and be able to play the shit out of it

same principle applies here..... Its not easy, but find your motivation


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## TedEH (Jul 4, 2018)

A-Branger said:


> which we all know GAS wont cure us


I think a good continuation of that analogy is that receiving the $4k guitar usually also doesn't cure the GAS.


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## possumkiller (Jul 4, 2018)

EverDream said:


> that's not fair, and I don't want to live if I'm not gonna be treated fairly by life.


I actually lol'd at that part. Really? 

Basically you need to change the way you think. Your way of thinking is the root of your problems. Change isn't going to happen overnight and it's going to take a little initiative and self discipline. Getting a girlfriend is the last thing you need. Fix yourself and be someone that somebody wants to be in a relationship with instead of thinking your just going to lure some poor girl into your life so you can dump all of your problems on her to deal with.


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## possumkiller (Jul 4, 2018)

Motivation. Self discipline. Getting off your ass and outside doing something. Leaving behind the self pity. 

Start working out. Get online and chat with girls. It's a lot easier to chat up girls online than in person so use it to get experience. 

It's not going to change straight away. People are still going to be put off or be rude sometimes. It happens to everyone don't let it hold you back. 

I was a super skinny awkward non social loser in high school. The army forced me out of my comfort zone and to be more social. It still took years for me to get over being how I was. I started working out and that boosted my confidence a lot. Showering in an open bay shower with 40 other ass naked men and seeing that everyone no matter how awesome they think they are has something pretty fucked up on their body was another big confidence booster. When my mindset changed the women took notice. Random girls were flirting with me instead of trying to ignore me. The girls I used to want so bad in high school that wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole then were all inviting me over when I was home on leave. I had a first marriage before the army that ended in divorce. I married her because I thought I couldn't do better and she was what I deserved. And because she was pregnant. We both had problems and it was a miserable marriage. After I fixed myself I met my current wife online. I left Colorado and went to England to see her. She is a hot European chick and she was the prom queen most popular girl in her class. We've been together nine years now and have a six year old son. I finally believe in all that love and marriage bs the greeting card companies are peddling. It still isn't easy. We piss each other off all the time. It takes work. It takes self discipline and motivation. Just like anything worth having in life, it isn't free you have to get off your ass and work for it.


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## budda (Jul 4, 2018)

If you base everything you do around getting people to like you, you still wont be happy. 

The end of this thread is still "find a professional you can at least tolerate and start getting help again".


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## synrgy (Jul 4, 2018)

Advanced apologies for rambling, but as others have said before me, there's so much to unpack, here..

The most-common cause of all broken relationships is one party thinking they can 'fix' the other, and/or one party feeling the other should 'fix' them.

Not to echo everybody else, but to underscore that everybody else is _right_: You've put the proverbial cart before the horse: Ain't no relationship gonna fix you; you've gotta fix yourself (likely with professional assistance) as a _prerequisite_ to having any kind of meaningful relationship.

This is the minimum checklist one has to have ready, in order to generally be considered 'partner material':

- Interesting life experience(s)
- The ability to manage one's own [literally _everything_ (finances, emotions, problems, hygiene, relationships, diet, etc)].

Mind you, I'm not talking about hookups; I'm talking about enduring relationships, since that's what it sounds like you're after. You've gotta understand, guy, pretty much _everybody _else is clawing through the muck, too, eyeballs-deep in their own problems (both conscious and subconscious), so pretty much _nobody_ is looking to take on somebody else's problems -- unless they've made it their profession.

If anything, the constant proximity inherent to long-term relationships tends to _create_ more problems than it solves for either party. In the end, my experience suggests that enduring relationships are far less about "we're here to help each other face life's difficulties" than they are about "the way we each _individually_ process life's difficulties, is mutually beneficial". It's not about what movies we wanna watch together (though that stuff helps); it's about how we deal with losing loved ones, or getting fired, or having medical/physical/emotional setbacks, etc.

Pobody's Nerfect; This Mess Is A Place. While I'm still at least one-fifth basket-case, I used to be a _total_ basket-case. Right around the same time that I got my shit mostly-together, the Universe presented my wife and I to each other. It's a total cliche, I know, but cliches are usually rooted in hard truths.


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## brutalwizard (Jul 6, 2018)

Necris said:


> Respectfully, you are not at all in a healthy place mentally and, You need to see a professional.



TL;DR this thread. 

Honestly dude you need to figure out how to person before you hurt yourself or someone else.


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## NateFalcon (Jul 6, 2018)

Misery loves company


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## BIG ND SWEATY (Jul 9, 2018)

Why not just change who you are and how you act? There's no one stopping you except yourself and the sooner you realize it the better because this "fuck everything, everything is shit" attitude you have sounds just like me before I tried to kill myself. I was a miserable fuck growing up as a kid and I was a miserable fuck up until like 18-19 when I decided that I couldn't stand the "old" me and wanted to change, so what did I do? I put on my big boy pants stopped being a whiny bitch (not that I think you're a whiny bitch) and took control of my life, my feelings and my thoughts and then things started to get better, more people talked to me, I could tell that they actually started to like me and I started to like them. I'm an introvert and a loner by nature, I greatly dislike most people and making casual conversation with people is like nails on a chalkboard for me, I would much rather spend my days sitting alone in my room playing video games or listening to music because thats what makes me happy but thats not what I do, I go out and do things, I make small talk with the people I work with, I ask them how their family is doing, how their day is going, if they've got any plans for the weekend or I'll come up with a question that I think will get a funny response or maybe a thoughtful one that'll give me something to think about while I'm working or I'll jump in the SSO Discord, which I know you know exists because you were there for a day and then never came back. I have what I call my "normal person switch" for when I'm at work or out with friends or when I'm doing anything that requires me to be a normal human being. Once that switch is flipped on I turn into the life of the party, I'm talkative, outgoing, funny, people like me and I like them which makes me happy but I know once I'm back in my room I get to turn that switch off de-stress and do the things that actually make me happy which is not talking or doing anything really for hours until I have to turn my switch back on. You need to find your "switch" and figure out how to turn it on and off whenever you need to. I'm not even going to touch on your idea of how a relationship will make you happy because Necris is 100% right.


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## mcleanab (Jul 10, 2018)

Check the first 10 minutes:


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## EverDream (Jul 26, 2018)

Well this thread has taught me that nobody believes me, so now that the professionals AND non-professionals are eliminated, I officially have no hope. And no I'm not wrong about anything I said, you all still don't understand the way I view things, even though you think you do. I think what everybody is failing to realize is that I don't want to live at all. I'm just saying that if a girl wanted to be with me romantically, then that would change how I feel about that (yes it would, whether 5,000 of you say it won't doesn't matter, because none of you know how my brain truly works, I can't really even explain it in words it's far too complex, so even if I try to explain it, you still all don't know how it works like I do). But the desire to live just for myself.. IS NOT THERE, and that's why I'm not doing anything, because I simply don't want to exist. So if no girl wants to save me, then I will certainly die soon, and I'm not saying that to put pressure on girls, I'm saying that because it is FUCKING TRUE. I don't want help... I want to die... but I won't take my own life, I'll leave that up to nature, higher powers, other people, etc. You think I need professional help... well imagine this... professionals have me... they talk to me, they say the things you guys say... I turn into SATAN... I'm locked up in a ward... SORRY... I VALUE MY FREEDOM... so I'm not talking to professional shit.

You know what, I don't want a fucking girlfriend, I don't want anything... but TO DIE, so FUCK ALL OF YOU. Everyone should hate me and want me dead, because I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE FUCKING UNIVERSE INCLUDING GOD, AND I WISH HE WOULD FUCKING KILL ME RIGHT FUCKING NOW DAMMIT!

I'll get professional help... when I'm dead (or when I'm living with a GF but that could NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER FUCKING HAPPEN). Now everyone hates me, especially girls... so GO TO HELL AND KISS MY FUCKING ASS WHILE YOU ARE DOWN THERE WITH ME. I AM NOT GOOD, AND I WILL FUCK EVERYTHING UNTIL SOMEBODY KILLS ME, SO GET GOING ON IT BITCHES, I'M TIRED OF THIS SHIT CALLED LIFE (AKA A FUCKING CURSE WORSE THAN HELL).

I don't want to get better, I want to get worse and worse and worse until I die, yay it's going to happen, fuck you ass holes, I'm not sane, you know why?... because I gave myself to SATAN and now I will suffer misery until I die, because I don't fucking care about me or my life, I don't want me.... I'm not talking to professionals, they can kiss my ass, I fucking hate their guts, and everyone's, no one can save me, GOD won't save me because I don't give a shit. I hate myself and want me dead. I am a poison to the universe and everything in it. My disgusting soul will sicken every living thing until something kills me. I hate me, I hate me, I hate me, you all hate me (how could you not?), so do I, now it's time to kill me so that you can make me shut up and restore peace to the fucking earth. I don't want a GF ok, so SHUT THE HELL UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP. I hope everything horrible happens to everything, I am pure evil and I HOPE YOU FUCKING KILL ME BECAUSE I HATE EVIL BUT I AM TO COWARDLY TO KILL MYSELF. SO FUCKING KILL THE COWARD, DO IT, DO IT, FUCCCCCCCCCCKING DO IT. COWARD I AM, AND I DON'T FUCKING CARE, I HAVE HATED EVERY SINGLE BREATH I HAVE EVER TAKEN, BUT I'LL WAIT FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO TAKE MY LIFE AND I WISH YOU'D FUCKING GET ON THAT RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I WANT ME OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF THE FUCKING EARTH RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

There is no hope for me because I am possessed by the devil and he helps me die, so he's my GOD DAMN HERO. FUCK EVERYONE ELSE. JUST FUCK ALL OF YOU TO FUCKING HELL WHERE YOU'LL NO DOUBT GET TO ENJOY ME AND SATAN BEING ALL SELF INDULGENT AND NOT GIVING A SHIT ABOUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING REALITY BULLSHIT.

I DICTATE, I DECIDE, NOT LIFE, NOT REALITY, AND IF I DOESN'T WORK... I STILL DO, ONLY I CAN EVER DECIDE ANYTHING SO KISS MY ASS EVERYTHING ELSE.

I'm everything negative and horrible and FUCKING SICK thing you say I am, I don't give a shit, I'm hell and nightmares to everyone, I NEED TO BE GOTTEN RID OF FROM LIFE IMMEDIATELY, AS SOON AS FUCKING POSSIBLE, BUT I WILL NOT, WILL NOT, WILL NOT BE THE ONE TO GET RID OF ME, THAT'S EVERYONE ELSES JOB.... THAT'S RIGHT IT IS YOUR FUCKING JOB AND IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT, IF YOU DON'T LIKE ME ATTITUDE, THEN FUCKING KILL ME LIKE YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO ANYWAY.

YOU MUST ALL FUCKING HATE MY FUCKING GUTS NOW, YOU JUST HAVE TO, IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR THERE TO BE NOBODY YOU HATES ME NOW, SO GOOD...

GUESS WHAT... I FEED OFF OF MISERY, SO COME AT ME FUCKERS, COOOOOOOOOOME AT ME,, YYYYYYYYYESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS I'LL FUCKING SWALLOW YOUR SOUL AND EAT IT BEFORE I SHIT IT OUT AND DOWN YOUR MOUTH...

HOW ABOUT YOU LOCK ME UP IN A CAGE WHERE I DESERVE TO BE??? HUH UH UH HUH? HOW ABOUT THAT BITCHES... I WON'T GET THIS SO CALLED FUCKING *HELP* EVER BY MY OWN HANDS, SO ENJOY MY ROTTEN SOUL YOU MOTHER FUCKERS. WHATEVER BAD HAPPENS TO ME NOW...

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD I DESERVE IT, I DESERVE IT, I DESERVE IT, I DE-FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKING-SEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERVE IT, SO HAPPEN ALL BAD, ALL BAD ONLY BAD, GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD, I DESERVE THE WORST EVERYTHING SO FUCK EVERYTHING, AND I DON'T EVER WANT A FUCKING GIRLFRIEND OR NORMAL FRIEND OR ANYONE BUT PEOPLE TRYING TO FUCKING KILL ME, GIRLS JUST DON'T FUCKING LOOK AT ME YOU MIGHT FUCKING THROW UP, FUCK EVERYTHING THERE IS. I WILL NEVER CHANGE, SO FUCK YOU ALL AND KISS MY COFFIN READY ASS.

Oh and btw Satan says hi (and die!).


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## TedEH (Jul 26, 2018)

Wow.

Does anyone live near this guy? Either some insane trolling is going on, or this would be a good point for someone near this guy to intervene, or call some help on his behalf or something.


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