# Jokes of the day!



## AxRookie (Sep 27, 2020)

I'll start!

Shortly after a man in Florida was arrested for having an "I EAT A$$" sticker on his truck prosecutors have dropped all charges against him, And I think I know how he got out of it...


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## broj15 (Sep 27, 2020)

My coworker told me one his "guaranteed to work" pick up lines the other day and I think it'd fit here:

Introduce yourself as the heir to the *insert last name here* Iron & Steel Company.
When they ask for you to explain you respond with....

"My mom irons and my dad steals."


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## AxRookie (Sep 27, 2020)

The Gov of Arizona has called for the end of illegal racial profiling, His solution? Make it legal...


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## odibrom (Sep 27, 2020)

... I think I'm being followed by the British Secret Services... I've got Mi5 and Mi6 on all my guitars...

...

For those who can't get there, here's a little hint:

A = Lá
B = Si
C = Dó
...
..
.

I know, it's really stupid...


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## AxRookie (Sep 28, 2020)

odibrom said:


> ... I think I'm being followed by the British Secret Services... I've got Mi5 and Mi6 on all my guitars...
> 
> ...
> 
> ...


There is no such thing, only jokes! lol


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## AxRookie (Sep 28, 2020)

A week ago I was in a bar in San Francisco and I saw a beautiful woman, she was like a supermodel, so I walked up to her and introduced myself and asked where she lived and what she does for a living, she said oh me? I live here in San Francisco and I'm a brain surgeon, now I don't know if this makes me sexist, but I was really impressed! after all, most women can't pull off sarcasm...

Shark Party!


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## AxRookie (Sep 28, 2020)

While cleaning my apartment my girlfriend once found a pair of earrings that were not her own and immediately she hit the roof! she said "Hey, whose are these? I demand answers!" so I told her, honey lets handle this like adults, please calm down, take a deep breath, and finish cleaning my apartment...


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## AxRookie (Sep 28, 2020)

Chris Rock is going to do a reboot of the movie franchise "Saw" which he will be renaming "Seent"!


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## r33per (Sep 28, 2020)

Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.


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## AxRookie (Sep 28, 2020)

I'm always flying somewhere and I don't like it at all! like the other day flying into Chicago I had a two and a half-hour flight delay and I'm stuck in an airport bar talking to some random guy, and I've got nowhere to go!

So I'm like hey man what do you do? and he says, and I quote "oh nothing right now but I used to be a priest", as in, oh $hit, right?

But I've got nowhere to go, so we keep talking and drinking and finally two hours go by and the guy gets up and says "hey, I've got to catch my flight, but I don't want to lie to you, I used to be a priest but I got kicked out because I molested a kid"...

Now, here's the thing, after talking to this guy, and getting to know this guy for two hours, I have to admit, he was actually a really cool guy... if you can forget about, you know, all that Jesus bull $hit!




Shark party! lol


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## AxRookie (Sep 28, 2020)

Did you know the world's heaviest woman died this week? the world's heaviest woman was best known by her catchphrase "STOP CALLING ME THAT!"...


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## Bearitone (Sep 28, 2020)

AxRookie said:


> A week ago I was in a bar in San Francisco and I saw a beautiful woman, she was like a supermodel, so I walked up to her and introduced myself and asked where she lived and what she does for a living, she said oh me? I live here in San Francisco and I'm a brain surgeon, now I don't know if this makes me sexist, but I was really impressed! after all, most women can't pull off sarcasm...
> 
> Shark Party!


Anthony Jeselnik has the best punch lines ever


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## AxRookie (Sep 28, 2020)

Bearitone said:


> Anthony Jeselnik has the best punch lines ever


My fav is "But the bird was cool" lolol


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## AxRookie (Sep 28, 2020)

A Louisiana boy is being honored for saving his mother's life after she prematurely went into labor and he helped deliver his baby brother, doctors say the baby is healthy but it is unlikely the mother and her son will ever make eye contact again...


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## AxRookie (Sep 29, 2020)

For the fourth year in a row, Hawaii was named the happiest place in the country! That again, Hawaii is the furthest place away from the rest of the country!!!


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## budda (Sep 29, 2020)

an Oxygen particle and a Potassium particle went on a date.

It went OK.


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## John (Sep 30, 2020)

I bought an acrostic guitar as a belated present, and now I can't play anything on it unless the notes spell words.


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## AxRookie (Sep 30, 2020)

When I was a kid sometimes I would bring a friend home from school to play games, sometimes he'd be a white friend, sometimes he'd be a black friend, and every time he was a black friend my mom would get all weird and she would ask "hey, who's your new friend? is he a drug dealer?" and I would say "shut up mom that's racist! put your money away!"...

I bet you thought I was about to tell a racist joke, BUT, I took a hard left and smacked the $hit out of my mom........ for almost no reason... lol

Shark Party! lol


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## AxRookie (Sep 30, 2020)

A popular new trend in Los Angeles is party goats which are goats that are brought to parties and they jump onto people's backs, meanwhile, a popular new trend in China is studying math and science...


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## AxRookie (Sep 30, 2020)

After my grandfather passed away a large trove of vintage pornography was found under his bed, frankly, an embarrassing amount of vintage pornography!!!

So I blamed it on my grandfather...


Shark Party! lol


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## AxRookie (Oct 1, 2020)

My girlfriend just bought a parrot, did you hear what I just said? my girlfriend just bought a parrot! man, that dam thing never shuts up! but the bird was cool...


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## Hollowway (Oct 1, 2020)

@AxRookie any of your individual jokes are so-so, but you've got so many back to back, it really starts to add up as a routine, and get funny. Do you do stand-up? This stuff totally reads like it!


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## Steinmetzify (Oct 1, 2020)

Kept bugging my wife for anal, she said you first. 

Thought about it for awhile and agreed. 

She’s going at it fiercely saying “so this is what you wanted to do to me huh? How do you like it huh? Say something!”

Me: TAKE IT OUT OF THE BOX!


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## Bodes (Oct 1, 2020)

budda said:


> an Oxygen particle and a Potassium particle went on a date.
> 
> It went OK.



Yeah, but I heard that Oxygen's next date was with Magnesium.

OMg!


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## AxRookie (Oct 1, 2020)

Hollowway said:


> @AxRookie any of your individual jokes are so-so, but you've got so many back to back, it really starts to add up as a routine, and get funny. Do you do stand-up? This stuff totally reads like it!


I get no respect I tell you! No respect!... lol

HAMBURGER!

How about some dead baby jokes? lol

HEY, did you know that a newborn baby can see and hear everything around them?... for up to 10 after their head is torn off... 

DISCLAIMER - That was just a joke and no actual babies were harmed during the writing of it!


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## TedEH (Oct 1, 2020)

I'm all for some good (or bad, or "dad", or any) jokes, but what in the world is a "shark party"?


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## AxRookie (Oct 1, 2020)

Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down Las Vegas Boulevard?

One was a salted...


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## AxRookie (Oct 1, 2020)

TedEH said:


> I'm all for some good (or bad, or "dad", or any) jokes, but what in the world is a "shark party"?



In that video's description, there is a link to the banned everywhere "Shark Party"!


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## AxRookie (Oct 1, 2020)

AxRookie said:


> In that video's description, there is a link to the banned everywhere "Shark Party"!



And if you don't know who he is this is *Anthony Jeselnik!


*


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## TedEH (Oct 1, 2020)

Lol @ another google drive link to a "banned" video.


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## AxRookie (Oct 1, 2020)

TedEH said:


> Lol @ another google drive link to a "banned" video.


You again???

That's the only way to share banned videos, If you can post it up here then by all means get on it! I'm still waiting for you to post up the other banned video like you said you could in 30 seconds?!? and still nothing...

I would like nothing more than to share it right here that lasts longer than an hour or two before it is taken down! I really believe people should be able to see it if they want and not have someone else tell them they can't!!!

Let see you do it Mr. Insinuation...


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## TedEH (Oct 1, 2020)

Ok fine:



Done. Took all of 10 seconds.


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## TedEH (Oct 1, 2020)

It was literally the first google result.


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## AxRookie (Oct 1, 2020)

TedEH said:


> It was literally the first google result.


Thank you! After he talked about it CC must have backed off and put it up themselves? 

Still waiting on the other video!


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## TedEH (Oct 1, 2020)

I'm not spending my time searching for videos you could google yourself to win internet points to make the point that you could have searched it yourself. Go search for yourself. I'm officially not engaging in this conversation anymore.


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## AxRookie (Oct 1, 2020)

TedEH said:


> I'm not spending my time searching for videos you could google yourself to win internet points to make the point that you could have searched it yourself. Go search for yourself. I'm officially not engaging in this conversation anymore.


It only takes you 10 seconds, why not help out a fellow member?

Come on, it's just one more video and it only takes you 10 seconds? Help A guy out!

Please... :^)


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## Nicki (Oct 1, 2020)

Joke of the day?

... This thread.


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## KnightBrolaire (Oct 1, 2020)

This thread is like watching Arthur Fleck's standup routine.


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## AxRookie (Oct 1, 2020)

KnightBrolaire said:


> This thread is like watching Arthur Fleck's standup routine.


Let's hear a joke more up your alley? 

With everything that's going on, I would love to have a good laugh!


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## AxRookie (Oct 1, 2020)

Here's one...

What walks and talks, but doesn't have legs?

..A walkie talkie


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## AxRookie (Oct 1, 2020)

Nicki said:


> Joke of the day?
> 
> ... This thread.


If you don't have a good sense of humor this thread prop ain't for you, BUT if you do tell a joke! everyone has at least one! Let's hear it!


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## Nicki (Oct 1, 2020)

AxRookie said:


> If you don't have a good sense of humor this thread prop ain't for you, BUT if you do tell a joke! everyone has at least one! Let's hear it!


A girl with no arms and no legs is laying on a beach. She sees a cute guy walking by and says to him "Hey guy, I've never been hugged before". The guy picks her up, hugs her, puts her down and leaves. Thinking this is her lucky day, a second cute guy walks by and she says to him "Hey guy, I've never been kissed before". So the guy picks her up, kisses her, puts her down and leaves. A third cute guy starts walking by her and she's feeling all the confidence in the world so she says to him "Hey guy, I've never been f*cked before!". So the guy picks her up, throws her in the water and says "Now you're f*cked."

I have a sense of humor, but your jokes fall incredibly flat. They're not even a "meh" or groan worthy. They're just... dull.


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## bostjan (Oct 1, 2020)

Comic Sans walks into a bar. One of the locals says "We don't take kindly to your type 'round here!"

Sharknado Luau!

How about a knock knock joke? I'll start it: Knock knock. Now you say, "who's there?" Control Freak. Now you ask "Control Freak who!"

Cuttlefish Gathering!

My therapist said "Time heals all wounds," so I stabbed him in the neck. Now we wait.

Perch Orgy!!!!


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## Bearitone (Oct 1, 2020)

Why do geese fly south for the winter? It’s easier than walking!

Hammerhead hoedown!


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## Bearitone (Oct 1, 2020)

What do grapes and pussy have in common? The best ones squirt when you eat em!

piranha barmitsva!


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## MFB (Oct 1, 2020)

bostjan said:


> Sharknado Luau!
> Cuttlefish Gathering!
> Perch Orgy!!!!





Bearitone said:


> Hammerhead hoedown!





Bearitone said:


> piranha barmitsva!



Gentlemen please, there's only so many post-hardcore/mathcore bands I can be in at once, I'm not Will Swan!


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## KnightBrolaire (Oct 1, 2020)

MFB said:


> Gentlemen please, there's only so many post-hardcore/mathcore bands I can be in at once, I'm not Will Swan!


dibs on bull shark beatdown


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## MFB (Oct 1, 2020)

KnightBrolaire said:


> dibs on bull shark beatdown



With beatdown in the name so help me god if you don't play slam


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## KnightBrolaire (Oct 1, 2020)

MFB said:


> With beatdown in the name so help me god if you don't play slam


brb writing shark themed slam concept album
also reminds me of this meme:


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## bostjan (Oct 1, 2020)

This joke is like health care in the US - hardly anyone will get it and it's not very good anyway!

Coral Kegger!


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## MFB (Oct 1, 2020)

Me and the boys reaction when KnightBrolaire's shark themed slam album finally drops


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## Bearitone (Oct 1, 2020)

Here’s my new all time favorite. You need a second person though.

You: “did you hear about that actress, Reese, stabbing herself?”

Them: “Reese Witherspoon?”

You: “No, with her knife!”


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## AxRookie (Oct 2, 2020)

Bearitone said:


> What do grapes and pussy have in common? The best ones squirt when you eat em!
> 
> piranha barmitsva!


There should be a double like button!


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## AxRookie (Oct 2, 2020)

How do you derail a campaign?..... Test positive!


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## AxRookie (Oct 10, 2020)

Trump justified his use extensive of Twiter saying he'd use it less if the press did its job, or if his Ambien did its job!


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## AxRookie (Oct 10, 2020)

A video has been posted of a porn star and her boyfriend having sex in a Tesla while it was driving on autopilot, and amazingly, no one was rear-ended!


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## AxRookie (Oct 12, 2020)

Did you hear about the man in North Carolina that admitted to sucking on a woman's toe's in a shopping center? he was sentenced to a month in jail where he is expected to do very well...


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## AxRookie (Oct 24, 2020)

Why don't zombies eat comedians?

Because they taste funny.


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## bostjan (Oct 27, 2020)

I went to the public library the other day and asked to borrow a book about suicide. The librarian looked at me for a second, then shook his head and said "Naw, I don't think you'll bring it back."

Megalodon Mania!


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## Kaura (Oct 31, 2020)

Introduced my supervisor to grindcore at work today. She asked why all the songs are so short so I told her one of the classic jokes.

Go to a grindcore gig 15 minutes late and you miss the first three bands.

Go to a prog gig 15 minutes late and the first song is only halfway through.


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## DrakkarTyrannis (Oct 31, 2020)

A black baby is in line in Heaven. He watches as everyone moves up, gets their wings, and they fly off. Some get white wings, some get red wings, some even get yellow wings and he gets excited. Getting to the front of the line God sticks a pair of black wings on his back.

"Does this mean I'm an angel now?" The baby asked.

God looked to the baby and says "No lil nigga you're a bat. Happy Halloween"


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## AxRookie (Oct 31, 2020)

DrakkarTyrannis said:


> A black baby is in line in Heaven. He watches as everyone moves up, gets their wings, and they fly off. Some get white wings, some get red wings, some even get yellow wings and he gets excited. Getting to the front of the line God sticks a pair of black wings on his back.
> 
> "Does this mean I'm an angel now?" The baby asked.
> 
> God looked to the baby and says "No lil nigga you're a bat. Happy Halloween"


Oh shit?!? awww...


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## Andromalia (Oct 31, 2020)

What's the name of that african tribe who is always sorry ? 


The Gomen Masais.


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## narad (Oct 31, 2020)

Andromalia said:


> What's the name of that african tribe who is always sorry ?
> 
> 
> The Gomen Masais.



Finally a joke I can understand.


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## odibrom (Oct 31, 2020)

narad said:


> Finally a joke I can understand.



please explain, 'cause I don't...


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## narad (Oct 31, 2020)

odibrom said:


> please explain, 'cause I don't...



It's a Japanese pun -- "gomenasai" is a way of apologizing in Japanese.


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## Andromalia (Nov 3, 2020)

narad said:


> Finally a joke I can understand.



Here's another one for you then. 
Why are the japanese considered clean people ? 




Because they spent 60 years in the showa.


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## narad (Nov 3, 2020)

Andromalia said:


> Here's another one for you then.
> Why are the japanese considered clean people ?
> 
> 
> ...



Lol


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## jaxadam (Mar 20, 2021)

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy and the other’s a little lighter.


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## BlackSG91 (Mar 21, 2021)

*Q:* Why don't the French order two eggs for breakfast?
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.
.
*A: *Because one egg is UN OEUF.


;>)/


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## BlackSG91 (Mar 21, 2021)

*Q:* What do you call a Frenchman in sandals?
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.
*A:* Phillipe Floppe.


;>)/


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## BlackSG91 (Mar 21, 2021)

*Q:* Have you heard of the French Cheese Factory that exploded?
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*A:* There was nothing left of it but DE BRIE.


;>)/


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## BlackSG91 (Mar 21, 2021)

I asked a French person if they played video games...they said Wii!


;>)/


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## BlackSG91 (Mar 21, 2021)

Q: If Frenchmen eat frogs legs, what do frogs eat?
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A: French Flies.


;>)/


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## BlackSG91 (Mar 21, 2021)

Q: Why do the French eat snails?
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A: They are not much into fast food.


;>)/


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## Andromalia (Mar 21, 2021)

I'm not getting the egg one and I am french. XD


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## TedEH (Mar 21, 2021)

Just pronounce it like it's english and it kiiiiinda sounds like "enough".


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## jaxadam (Apr 11, 2021)

I am terrified of negative numbers. I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.


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## John (Apr 11, 2021)

How many calories does my next door neighbor burn by jumping to conclusions?


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## John (Apr 11, 2021)

If the end justifies the means, what justifies the medians, modes, and ranges?


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## Scooter1969 (Apr 13, 2021)

What did Jeffery Dahmer say to Lorena Bobbitt?


"Hey, you gonna eat that?"


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## John (May 8, 2021)

My doctor told me to change the dressing on my wounds, but he didn't specify if I should use ranch or balsamic vinaigrette.


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## spudmunkey (Nov 3, 2022)

I think I may have written an original joke...I'm a bit sheepish to share it because I simultaneously think it's one of the cleverest things I've ever come up with, and also think that it's absolutely terrible and I should feel ashamed for my pride in something so bad.

So now that I've set both realistic and completely unobtainable expectations, I now present to you, "_The One About French Poet Sandwiches_".

*ahem*

Q: How do French poets order their turkey sandwiches?



Spoiler



A: Ennuit


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## odibrom (Nov 4, 2022)

@spudmunkey ... I like your effort... but I didn't get it... please explain... yeah, I know, it will spoil the joke... sorry...


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## spudmunkey (Nov 4, 2022)

odibrom said:


> @spudmunkey ... I like your effort... but I didn't get it... please explain... yeah, I know, it will spoil the joke... sorry...


"Ennui" is a word of french origin often used to describe a feeling of the combination of boredom, sadness, weariness, maybe a little anguish or depression. A state-of-being often expressed by artists and poets. It's pronounced (basically) like on-WEE. Then I added a "t" at the end.

When said out loud: "on-WEE"+t = "on wheat".


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## wheresthefbomb (Nov 4, 2022)

Here's an original for ya's

If a marxist thinks you're cute, they might be hotskty to trotsky


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## bostjan (Nov 4, 2022)

What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?



Spoiler



A polar bear


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## TedEH (Nov 4, 2022)

spudmunkey said:


> "on-WEE"+t = "on wheat".


I would have got it, except I pronounced it in my head with a silent T.


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## spudmunkey (Nov 4, 2022)

I love listening to stand-up comedy. I've been buying comedy albums for 30+ years. I like listening to funny people tell stories. Some podcasts are funny people telling stories.

Another type I'll consume: some are also documentaries. Does a lack of imagery make them less valid than a video documentary?


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## BornToLooze (Nov 9, 2022)

So these 2 drunk guys were in a whorehouse, and the madam tells the whores, "Just give them blowup dolls, they're so drunk the can't tell the difference." While they were on the way home, one drunk guy turns to the other one and tells him, "Man, I think my whore was dead, she just laid there and didn't make sound or anything." His buddy tell him, "Man you think that was bad, I think mine was a witch. I bit her on the ass, and then she farted in my face and flew out the window."


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## John (Nov 9, 2022)

If you feed an infant gasoline instead of milk, will that jump-start its motor skill development?


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## BornToLooze (Nov 10, 2022)

So there was this old country boy who involved in a wreck with a cattle truck, and he was in court because he said one thing at the scene of the accident, and something else later. And keep in mind, this is a good ol' honest country boy who's never told a lie in his life, swore to tell the truth on every bible in the county. Well, that hotshot big time lawyer the cattle company had has him on the witness stand, asking him, "Sir, at the scene of the accident didn't you say there was not a thing wrong with you? But now you are claiming that you have a broken leg? And you are expecting my client's insurance to pay for this?"

"Yassir, that right," The country boy replies, to which the lawyer replies, "Well, if you are so 'honest' would you mind explaining to the jury why you lied then and have changed your mind and now apparently have a broken leg?"

The country boy stands up on his crutches and says, "I wouldn't mind doin' it at all. I was on my way to town with a hog to take to the sale barn, and that big ol' cattle truck side swiped me in a curb. Ran me off in the ditch, and busted that trailer open where all them cows came bellerin' out the side. I'm laying down there with a broke leg with a bunch of bellerin' and bleatin' cows. And then up walked that state trooper. Pulled out that big ol' .357 Magnum he was carrying, and asked the truck driver, 'What's wrong with that cow down over there?'. Truck driver told him that cows got a broke leg. _BOOOOOM _shot her right tween the eyes. 'How bout that one?' She had a broke leg too, _BOOOOOOM _right tween the eyes, 'That one over there squirming and bellerin'?" Same thing, _BOOOOOOM_, killed her graveyard dead. The barrel of that .357 was smokin' and he looked there at me and asked, 'Sir, what's wrong with you?', and I said not a thang in the world. What would you have said???"


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## BornToLooze (Nov 10, 2022)

So, one day, the principle was going around through the school, making sure the teachers are doing a good job teaching. He asks one girl if she can demonstrate some arithmetic, she gets up, says her times tables, he says good job and goes to the next class. In that class he asks one of the kids to demonstrate some cursive on the chalkboard, they get up and perfect cursive. He goes to the next class, and asks a little boy if he can demonstrate some prose and poetry. He stands up, and is kinda shuffling his feet because he doesn't know the difference. The principle tells him, "There was an old woman who lived on the hill, and last I heard the lived there still. That rhymes, so it's poetry, but there was and old woman who lived on the hill, and last week she moved to town, and that's prose because it don't rhyme. I'll be back in a couple days to make sure you've figured out the difference."

So a couple weeks later the principal came back by the class, and that little boy jumped up and said, "There was an old woman who lived by a well when she died she went straight to....whatcha want? Prose or poetry?


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## jaxadam (Nov 10, 2022)

A truck driver was sitting at a diner eating and minding his own business when this gang of bikers walks in. They walk up and sit down next to him laughing and horsing around with one another. The first leans over and says "Are you gonna eat those fries?" and just takes a big handful. The next leans in and says "Are you gonna drink that?" and grabs his drink cup and guzzles it down. A third slides next to him and says "How's that burger?" and picks it up and finishes it off. 

Without a word, the truck driver gets up, kindly pays his bill, and leaves quietly. As the waitress was cleaning up the mess, one of the bikers says to her "He wasn't much of a man, was he?" to which she replied "Not much of a driver, either. He just plowed over all of those motorcycles parked out front."


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