Terrible Pun Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by bostjan, Sep 8, 2017.

  1. bostjan

    bostjan MicroMetal Contributor

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    Following my pattern of posting subpar threads and letting you guys make them good:

    Post your dad jokes here. No neg repping for bad puns. Please only respond to a bad pun with another bad pun.

    I'll start:

    "Headline news - the Duck Enforcement Agency is quacking down on the oviod epidemic."
     
  2. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    There are no hipster figure skaters- you can't be on the ice before it's cool.
     
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  3. TedEH

    TedEH Cromulent

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    Also, I am jealous of my calendar. It gets all the dates.
     
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  4. smokiekouki

    smokiekouki SS.org Regular

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    Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
     
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  5. chassless

    chassless Don'tDeserveMyGuitar

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    oh my god i love puns! they are so PUNNY!!!!
     
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  6. smokiekouki

    smokiekouki SS.org Regular

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    A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

    One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

    Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

    He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
     
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  7. smokiekouki

    smokiekouki SS.org Regular

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    The high priest was arrested on drug charges.
     
  8. bostjan

    bostjan MicroMetal Contributor

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    Reminds me of garden path sentences, like:
    Mary gave the child the dog bit a bandaid.
    You might have to read that twice for it to make sense. :lol:
    Here are a couple more jokey ones (care of Groucho Marx):
    Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
     
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  9. takotakumi

    takotakumi SS.org Regular

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    Fantastic Thread!

    This is a pun but also a story:
    We were at this bar with my roomate and there was this couple and their friend talking.
    Eventually they got loud so we overheard the conversation. The couple was arguing that
    The boyfriend used to be into horses and did racing and all that stuff. He had so many
    equipment and trophies that were talking so much space in the house. After much nagging
    from the girl, the guy ended up having to dispose all of that. Apparently the girlfriend
    hated talking about that so they started leaving.

    As they passed by us, my roomate tells the guy just as he is about to exit:
    "I guess she wasn't horsing around"

    :nlb:
     
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  10. bpprox22

    bpprox22 String Breaker

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    What do you call it when I ask the Subway worker a question about their subs? A subquery
     
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  11. takotakumi

    takotakumi SS.org Regular

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    This was from a standup on NYC couple of weeks ago, NO ONE got it I got so mad hahaha

    "I wanted to get into the IT business....so I became a server"
     
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  12. bostjan

    bostjan MicroMetal Contributor

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    [​IMG]
    I actually have the above t shirt and I change into it gleefully every time my wife wants Subway. Most of the workers there have loved it, but some have responded less giddily.

    Here's another corny one:
    A woman is just getting out of the shower when she hears the doorbell. She calls "Who is it?" and the man responds "Just the blind guy!" She stops for a moment and thinks, well, whoever this is, if he's blind, certainly I don't have to get dressed. So she opens the door and the man says "Whoah! Hi there! ... Umm, excuse me ma'am, umm, so... where did you want me to install these blinds?"
     
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  13. steinmetzify

    steinmetzify CHUG & SLUDGE

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    Whaddaya mean it's not a bear?

    It has all the koalifications...

    Aim for the stars! But first take care of the bodyguards..

    Your calendar's days are numbered....

    All of Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses...

    Jumping off a Paris bridge makes you in Seine...

    I would like to make a pun about philosophy, but I Kant...


    If Iron Man and the Silver Surfer teamed up....they would be alloys.

    You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart....
     
    Last edited: Sep 8, 2017
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  14. DistinguishedPapyrus

    DistinguishedPapyrus SS.org Regular

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    Someone says to you, "you can't walk on that with your bare feet!!!"

    You respond "but I don't have bear feet, I have people feet!"
     
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  15. boozeislove

    boozeislove SS.org Regular

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    I'll kill you with my bear hands for that
     
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  16. DistinguishedPapyrus

    DistinguishedPapyrus SS.org Regular

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    ... :scratch: but you don't have bear hands, you have people hands... :rofl:
     
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  17. MFB

    MFB ExBendable

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    Did you just assume his hand's species?
     
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  18. narad

    narad SS.org Regular

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    "My mum laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her face as I drove pasta."
     
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  19. boozeislove

    boozeislove SS.org Regular

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    Theres nothing punny about your post!
     
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  20. takotakumi

    takotakumi SS.org Regular

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