SS Love and Relationships Thread

Discussion in 'Off-Topic' started by SevenStringSam, Jun 17, 2010.

  1. naw38

    naw38 SS.org Regular

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    Oh shit man, that’s not what I meant by contingency plans; I meant in the event that PTSD flairs up on a date or event, having a way out or a way to deal with the situation.
     
  2. naw38

    naw38 SS.org Regular

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    Edit: stupid double post.
     
  3. Zender

    Zender Tinkering, please hold.

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    Right, good on you. *grin*

    Well yes, that is indeed something to keep in mind as it will happen. Maybe talk it over beforehand to see what you can do to help if something like that happens.

    Sometimes it's just "Don't get mad if I want to go home, just go with me." and you'll be fine with it. :)
     
  4. naw38

    naw38 SS.org Regular

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    So, my wife and I are polyamorous, and this right here is pretty much how you deal with anything; I imagine it's the same for any relationship but it's something that's become immensely important since we became poly - communication, and understanding of each others feelings. Basically just shutting the fuck up and listening to what each other has to say and seeing things from their perspective, finding out what your partner needs, giving it to them and being accepting. All relationships are hard, but that makes things easier for us.
     
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  5. marcwormjim

    marcwormjim SS.org Regular

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  6. broj15

    broj15 SS.org Regular

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    Long stupid blog post incoming. If ya don't care about ex gf drama then skip the first part.

    OK, so I've gone through alot of changes in the past couple months and I feel like I need to write it somewhere to put it into perspective.

    Two months ago me and my partner of 1 year broke up. We had been experiencing issues for quite some time, but things finally came to a breaking point for her. We tried to make it work and fix our problems for a while, but it wasn't getting better. Then we tried to get along as friends, but that didn't work because, admittedly I was doing it with the intention of us getting back together. She wasn't. During this time she was talking to/sleeping with other guys as well as me. I found this out and decided I'd had enough of it. A week or two and several arguments later I decided it was best if I not talk to her again. That was about 2 weeks ago. In that time she's tried to contact me 3 times. The first 2 times I either didn't respond or brushed her off. The last time she asked me if I hated her and I said no, but that I no longer felt anything for her and didn't want to talk to her anymore. She got upset and said what she always says: "it was you who gave up on us, you're so selfish, etc. Etc". Now, I've noticed she has a pattern. She always tries to be "friends" with her ex's, especially ones she knows she's hurt, in order to make herself feel less guilty about hurting them. I know that's what she's trying to do with me, and I'm not going to play into it cuz it just means trouble.


    Now, on to a lighter, much more positive note (and possible advice needed). After finally cutting things off with my ex (though I'd say I subconsciously wanted to for quite a while) I decided fvck it, and re downloaded tinder. It doesn't take long and I match with a girl who's pretty damn cute, and seems interesting enough so I send her a message. A couple days later and we decide to meet up. Things go smoothly: non stop conversation, we make each other laugh, etc. That was last Friday and we've hung out 2 more times since then. Tonight was the third time we've hung out. Before we parted ways she said she had a really good time and we ended up kissing for the first time. Perhaps TMI but I initiated like the first 25% and then she enthusiastically came the rest of the way.

    Now, here's my "problem". Since the break up with my ex was relatively recent, and tbh quite rough my confidence is still pretty low right now. Also, for whatever reason I can not get a read on this girl to save my life. Typically I'm very perceptive of how people really feel about me in general, but she's different. Not like she's playing me hot n cold, but more like hot and luke warm if that makes sense, but she's also kinda awkward/shy in general so it could just be part of that.

    So in sso's opinion does it sound like I'm just overanalyzing everything because I'm still kinda "recovering" from the break up and that I really have nothing to worry about? I feel like it would make it alot easier and maybe relieve some of the tension if I'm just straight forward with her. As in I'm not really looking for a hook-up, but I don't want something serious right off the bat, but I do like her and I definitely enjoy hanging out with her.

    Well, that was longer than I expected, but if anyone can sift through all that, I'd appreciate any advice y'all got.
     
  7. Edika

    Edika SS.org Regular

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    At broj15, concerning the second part of your post I'd say yes you're overanalyzing the situation and it makes sense as you're coming out of a breakup. They usually say honesty is the best way but being too honest on the wrong timing is not the correct strategy. If you have a good time with this girl and are not sure if you're want to be serious then just take everything a day at a time. See how it goes and react accordingly. Not everything has to be planned in advance and have specific goals, especially romantic affairs. If it works out great, if it doesn't then you'll just part ways.
     
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  8. OliOliver

    OliOliver SS.org Regular

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    A month ago or so I matched with a girl on Tinder and we hit it off pretty fast, exchanged numbers and have been talking non-stop since. I asked her out for that weekend but she was heading back home for Christmas and was staying for 3 weeks to focus on an assignment for uni. Fair enough, timing is a funny thing. Anyway, we continue to talk the entire time and before we've even met it's become clear we're both quite into each other. Earlier this week I asked her out on a date for this weekend when she's back. She said "I'm sorry but I'll have to reluctantly decline so I can do the finishing touches on my assignment. It's due Monday". I said "That's totally fine, we'll just get together next weekend". So last night (the day of the proposed date she turned down) we're talking, and she tells me she's off to the pub with her friend. I didn't hear from her the rest of the night. She messages me in the morning like it's no big deal.

    What the fuck? I know I haven't met this girl yet, but I've been talking to her for nearly a month non-stop, and I was perfectly understanding when she turned me down for what seemed to me a perfectly valid reason. Yet she just goes out on that same day like I never even asked her? Like her excuse for not going on a date was bullshit.

    Am I right to be upset/annoyed? I haven't responded to her message she sent this morning. Feels wrong to be sort of ghosting her, but I feel like I've been wronged.
     
  9. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

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    I'd act like she doesn't exist. Just move on.
     
  10. Edika

    Edika SS.org Regular

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    On a completely opposite note from Spaced Out Ace I'd say that most probably she finished the assignment earlier than what she was expecting and decided to head out with a friend to clear her mind. She wasn't going to send you, a guy she never met and only has been talking for a month, a last moment text to go out as it would seem like an invitation for more. If you're going yo meet someone for the first time in person it's better to be a planned event rather than a last moment spontaneous act. At least for most women that's the case as the stakes are higher if the other person turns out to be a douche/psycho/whatever. At least she was upfront and honest of going out and I'm sure she didn't even think about it like that, even if it seems so.
    Now to be honest she might not want to actually want to meet and your suspicions might be right. You won't have the chance to find out if you cut communication now or come at her like she is messing with you. Just act normal and even make a comment in the light that since she finally did go out that night it would have been nice if you could have joined her and her friend.
     
  11. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

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    If I were him, I'd pass. Two attempts have been strikes; shall he try for a third time and strike out, or just cut his losses? As he said, it's like her excuse for not going out on a date was bs, which it likely could've been. I've dealt with a lot of flakes and timewasters and this chick sounds like one.
     
  12. Edika

    Edika SS.org Regular

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    It might very well be. By the time this whole online dating/meeting thing became so popular I was already in a relationship with my wife so I never bothered (god I feel old just thinking about it). So I haven't had extensive experience with online flakers and timewasters. The point I was trying to make is that going out to clear your mind with a friend after finishing an assignment is different than planning for a meeting with a possible romantic interest. Whenever I had assignments back in Uni I'd decline to go out with people. If I did manage to finish early I'd call them up and see if they were out planning to go out. But it's a different thing calling mates to go out than a girl I was interested in and was trying to go out with, that I had already told I'd be unavailable. And I was in the OliOliver's shoes a couple of times were a girl would be busy and seem like she was avoiding me but was just busy.

    Now since this is just Tinder chatting and there's no actual emotional investment going on, as there shouldn't since they haven't actually met, there is no reason to take things at heart and overthink them. Sending one more message and replying doesn't cost him a thing. Worst case she just flakes again and he gives up, best case they meet and hit it off. So I don't see any loss in this or an attack to his ego.
     
  13. OliOliver

    OliOliver SS.org Regular

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    Update: Shortly after I posted, I decided to respond as if nothing was wrong and she never responded to it, never even read it. Whatsapp says she's been online on and off since, she's just decided to not read my message. Yes, I checked to see if she was online. Sue me. So that's that, I guess. A month of getting to know a person and she never gave me a real chance once it was possible to actually meet. Oh well. Seems like I was just some company while she was away. All I know is I would never do that to a person, if she's not grown up enough to know that's not the right way to act, then it was better we never went on a date at all.
     
  14. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

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    Like I said...
     
  15. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter SS.org Regular

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    I'm sure it's the same with men and women both but in just the past few years I have seen/ heard/even been involved in a lot of situations that strike me as a lot of women possessing piss-poor behaviors, personalities, self-respect, self-control, etc. It gives the appearance of "this is okay for now but I'm really waiting for something better to come along"... meanwhile keeping guys holding out hope, getting mixed signals, etc. I'm not saying that this is the case with OliOliver and I'm sure that a lot of men are no better but jeeze... stop advertising yourself to the top bidder and then continue listing the goods while the lesser candidate sits on the shelf... be it by not communicating or by playing games or whatever. Find a dude that you truly like and then stick with it, be honest, and realize that no one's perfect/ relationships require work and are a two way street. You aren't all that no matter what your FB "friends" say.
     
  16. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

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    "Two way street"? Nah, relationships haven't been a two way street in quite some time because spineless men worship pussy and allow women to walk around with stupid slogans like, "I have the pussy, I make the rules." Then, rather than value the opinion of their boyfriend/fiance/husband, they post skanky complimenting fishing selfies on Facebook to feel better about themselves, which serves to reconfirm for them that they can be with anyone. In addition, they think that mainly the superficial shit matters, with happiness being at the bottom of the list, if at all.

    Unfortunately, you need to be as heartless and callous as women are. And you know shit is fucked up when guy friends who do get lots of chicks often give advice like, "eh, you kinda gotta treat em like shit a little bit," and "act like you're not that into em, but just enough that they keep after you."
     
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  17. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter SS.org Regular

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    Yea I know lol. Idk... just seems like with the ease of utilizing social media and the subsequent strive to meet, date, or just get to know a person better... that there's so much that's trivialized, disrespected, or whatever... more than ever before. I went through a really tough one and had she just been honest from the get go, it would've been so much more palatable. And in the process she hurt and disrespected others.. blah blah it was a mess and it never shoulda happened like it did. Idk... A little integrity doesn't hurt. As for a short-lived correspondence, totally yea... quickly move on if you're feeling played. And again... I know dudes act this way too, but you gotta be damn good looking or be a damn good manipulator to be able to go thru women the way that I see a lot of women go thru men lol. Obviously a lotta people get off to this shit too.. you know "self esteem" lol. Idk... I ain't good-looking enough to play these games plus I'm getting married in May so I'm out!
     
  18. Spaced Out Ace

    Spaced Out Ace 0 0 1 0 0 6 5 0 3\

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    A girl like that is never going to be honest with you. But you learned a valuable lesson, didn't you? Guys need to start taking some power -- and frankly, their dignity -- back, because watching guys do this shit is kind of sad and in some instances, pretty pathetic.

    Good luck with the marriage.
     
  19. Vyn

    Vyn Not a Sparkly Vampire Contributor

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    I ditched Tinder and Facebook ages ago. Go to a pub, sit down at the bar, have a drink or two and just start talking to people. You'd be amazed at who you meet. Also means that you don't waste a month talking online to find out that person can't actually hold a conversation in real life. Call me old haha.
     
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  20. High Plains Drifter

    High Plains Drifter SS.org Regular

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    Thanks man. I'm not worried but as the date looms.. I mean as it gets closer, I'm prob gonna be a bit more nervous. never been married.

    Yea I learned and that's saying something cause I'm usually able to offer sound advice to others about this kind of thing. In retrospect, there were certainly "signs" and like a fool I just ignored common sense and allowed my heart to drive me off the cliff lol. Definitely killed some of my dignity too... so yea, spot on, man.
     
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