I've been depressed for a long time now, pretty much as long as I can remember. I haven't got a particularly bad life, my dad is well-off and supports me and my childhood had its fair share of bad times but like anyone elses. However recently I've slipped into a mindset that I feel is different to the teenage hormonal downer I thought I was on before. Looking back at being 16 and whatnot, while I see I had/have genuine issues, a lot of it was over the top dramatisation of trivial events. Now, I feel that although 20 is still young, I have changed and grown into an adult, and can already look back on the first decades of my life and see what was wrong or right. What is worrying, is that I feel just as bad if not worse than I did at the height of my typical emoish depression phase when I was 15-16. Now at 20, I should be over that. I should be more rational and dealing with life, instead I have no motivation, zero confidence and self-esteem and just a general loathing for life. Recent events haven't helped; I split up with my girlfriend, my first and most promosing relationship in 4 years, I quit uni and started working. Now I know I'll get over my ex in time, but it highlights the fact that a girl who I thought was perfect for me and with whom I got along with brilliantly still wanted to leave me for someone else. To have a perfection like that for the first time in years and then have it shattered is disheartening to say the least. Especially since I'm an emotionally unstable person anyway. As for uni, I'm glad I left; she goes there and there was nothing about the place that did it for me. I actually prefer working now, though I don't want to do this my whole life, and I feel the way things are now that may be how things end up. It doesn't leave me enough time to do things I want to do, especially since I'm only just getting used to a proper routine again and its messing me up. Having an unclear head, low confidence and worries about my future has left me in a bitter place. I think to myself that things will work out, but no mater how often I tell myself this, and try to motivate myself, nothing works. Ultimately, I feel as if I'm not really meant for anything, and I'm not too bothered about life. Death doesn't scare me (or at least being dead, the actual dying depends on the meas), but I hate to know I'd upset and ruin my family. If I were more indepentent then I'd just finish things now, but I have too many people in my life that would get hurt to kill myself. I feel like I want to stick it out for them, especially after seeing what my step father's death did to my brother. I don't really know what to do. I don't feel like I can tell my friends too much as they're closer to home and I don't want to worry them with my suicidal thoughts. I feel like this site, you people here, are like a group of friends I can talk to about most things. I suppose thats kind of odd being the internet and all, some might call it sad, but I genuinely value the friendships of the people here a lot and this site has helped me in life to the point I probably wouldn't be at this point now. I guess I want advice? I'm not sure. I just need to get some feelings out and some opinions and shit. I'm not sure how much longer I can function this way, my head is in a weird place. Apologies for the poorly written and lengthy blog this has turned into.