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  • 1 Post By TheGhunther
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Unread 06-14-2012, 05:19 PM   #1
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Huge life-changing decision. Scared. What to do?

I'm bringing this to you guys because you're a rather diverse group of people that don't actually know me personally, some of you with lots of life experience and some with not so much. So, here's what's up:

I'm 19 and living at home, ready to go to school and get my life going where I want to. Currently, I'm planning on moving to different state with my girlfriend where we can live together in an apartment of our own while we both go to school. I love her and I want to be with her.

I know things should be fine, but it's a huge life-changing decision and I'm kinda scared. What if everything falls apart? I don't know.

Basically, I'm looking for advise. Not on what I should do, but what I should expect, prepare for, and be cautious of. What if things go perfectly? What if they don't? How do I keep myself safe through all of this, and happy?

Any and all input will be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
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Unread 06-14-2012, 05:26 PM   #2
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Well, that's a pretty huge risk to be taking (yknow if she dumps you or whatever (not trying to call your girlfriend unfaithful or anything but yknow. Women.)). I say... Go for it. Sounds like your life'll be pretty complicated if you'll be living with your girlfriend while both going to college. Basically, what I'm trying to say is, if you put a lot of work into all of this, including college stuff, everything should be fine. If things go perfectly, great. If there are a few issues along the way, try to work through them. Just my two cents. Good luck.

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Unread 06-14-2012, 05:27 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TheGhunther View Post
I'm bringing this to you guys because you're a rather diverse group of people that don't actually know me personally, some of you with lots of life experience and some with not so much. So, here's what's up:

I'm 19 and living at home, ready to go to school and get my life going where I want to. Currently, I'm planning on moving to different state with my girlfriend where we can live together in an apartment of our own while we both go to school. I love her and I want to be with her.

I know things should be fine, but it's a huge life-changing decision and I'm kinda scared. What if everything falls apart? I don't know.

Basically, I'm looking for advise. Not on what I should do, but what I should expect, prepare for, and be cautious of. What if things go perfectly? What if they don't? How do I keep myself safe through all of this, and happy?

Any and all input will be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
If it really means that much to you, then go for it. Sometimes in life, you just have to take that leap. Just be smart (financially and such) and hope that it works out.
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Unread 06-14-2012, 05:41 PM   #4
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I say go for it. Life's too short to not take a few chances, before you know it you'll be an old fart like me (34). It doesn't sound like you're risking too much honestly.

Worst case scenario - you move out together, split up, and you're on your own. You find a new roommate, stay in school, all the while other women are breaking down your door.

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Unread 06-14-2012, 05:44 PM   #5
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^what they said.
Be careful financially, don't let the little things get between you and your girlfriend, the last thing you'd need after making a huge step is to have something between you two. If you both want this that much, go for it! Don't let anyone stop you if you guys most definitely want this. Just be careful.
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Unread 06-14-2012, 05:48 PM   #6
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The biggest thing is to do as much planning ahead of time as possible, from saving up, lining up a place to live, researching the area, try to line up a job ahead of time (which can be very hard/sometimes not even possible depending how far you're moving), etc.

I picked up and move from NJ to CO this past October. It was an expensive move, some things worked out, some things didn't, some things randomly came up that are a big plus, and most of all I'm happy with the outcome. Unless you've got a majority of the move already lined up, it's going to be nerve-racking before and even for a little while after the move until you're totally settled in.

Life is all about risks. Obviously, you'll weigh both sides of the risk but you'll never be truly happy if you always play it safe. Not everyone likes change/challenges, but I see them as a positive and a chance to better yourself, rather than an "oh shit, I can't/don't want to handle this!" mindset.
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Unread 06-14-2012, 05:51 PM   #7
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Unread 06-14-2012, 06:04 PM   #8
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Unread 06-14-2012, 06:04 PM   #9
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If you and your girl are partners then you're partners in everything. Handling life together. If it all falls apart, never mind. You're in a new Place with new people and new surroundings.

Bottom line is, don't worry too much. Deal with life as it comes and concentrate on the big picture. I learnt that the hard way.

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Unread 06-14-2012, 06:10 PM   #10
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If you and your girlfriend are having any kind of issue/issues, then don't do it. It's a pain in the ass, things probably won't get better, and then it'll be difficult to get out of the situation.

Otherwise, go for it, just be safe, be smart, and be motivated.
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Unread 06-14-2012, 06:18 PM   #11
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I've lived with several girls, some for years and some for only months. Just go with the flow, if it works great, if she ....s you over just move on with you're life. I would always prefer experiences to not. Shit happens but it is better than being an eternal adolescent.

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Unread 06-14-2012, 06:20 PM   #12
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If it's the move you feel you need to make, just do it, man. Human beings are resilient creatures. Whatever happens, we find a way to make do. It might work out, it might not. But I can assure you that you'll be alright, as long as you put the effort into making it work regardless of what may change and what may stay the same. I've moved away from my parents' place, I've started up my own business, am still in school and have gone through my fair share of hardships concerning the women I've loved. I've been more than overwhelmed a handful of times, and have at times questioned whether anything was even worth it. But even now, I'm glad I've gone through with the decisions I've made. This is my life, and although I'm not exactly where I want to be and I often cut it close to being unable to make ends meet, I'm taking steps - some big and some small, toward the place I need to be, and moving out on my own was probably the biggest step I've made in that direction.

Good luck, man.
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Unread 06-14-2012, 06:25 PM   #13
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You don't really know someone until you live with them. You can take the image you have now and sort of keep it as a set of notes but the real human on the other side of this decision is going to emerge more sooner than later. Are you prepared for that?

Also, you can expect a great deal of changes in all directions out of both of you just as a natural part of the maturing process. Shit gets rough when time starts flying.

Keep those things in mind and as it has already been said, make smart financial moves throughout and you'll be fine. Most couples fight about money, minimize this by being intelligent with it even if there's resistance. You'll come out better in the long run.

It's best to ditch any fairy tale notions of this early and go in with clear eyes. I would also like to encourage you both to be patient and communicate with one another through any and all turbulence. That shit goes a long way. Relationships are a lot of work, no sense in making it harder unnecessarily.

Also, take Highlord's comments to heart, take stock of your doubts, are they reasonable? If so, you should be listening to them loudest of all, not us.
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Unread 06-14-2012, 09:57 PM   #14
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You're all amazingly helpful, wow. I wasn't sure if posting this stuff here was the best idea, but you guys showed me wrong. Thank you all.
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Unread 06-14-2012, 10:59 PM   #15
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had my first child at 17.i got married at 18. . i am 35 years old and now, still married , and have 5 kids all by the same woman/wife. you can do it if you both want it.
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Unread 06-14-2012, 11:31 PM   #16
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Definitely move. The fact that you're scared to do it means you should push yourself and deal with it.

But... If you are a codependent personality type, or if you think you'll end up hanging onto your girlfriend for support, work through that it your mind now. Still go, but if your relationship goes downhill with her you have to remember that your attitude needs to be the same regardless of whether you're living at home or on Mars. In other words, if you guys break up the world isn't collapsing any more just because you're scared to be out there alone. Otherwise you'll be fine and a few years from now you will be SO glad you did this.
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Unread 06-15-2012, 12:14 AM   #17
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I did a similar thing (moved to another city with my gf at the time)

At the time I was nervous, hesitant and had mixed feelings. We broke up a few years later.

To be honest the breakup was the best thing to happen in the situation, as I just picked myself up, moved on, moved out and went on withi my life. I had grown to love the city during that time so I simply moved into a new flat. Quite an easy process.

Don't get too worked up about the 'what ifs' and most 'what if..' questions in your scenario can be easily solved.

What if you break up? find a new flatmate or place to move into.

What if you don't? then continue doing whatever you choose to do.

Good luck to you. Just do it. You'll look back and laugh about how worried you were about the whole thing.
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Unread 06-15-2012, 07:23 AM   #18
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I can't agree enough that things change when you start living with someone. I lived literally 5 houses down from my first love for the first 3 years of our relationship and then we went to different universities and ended up breaking up. It was my first heartbreak and I didn't take it very well. We got back together, lived together and broke up multiple times in between. Move ahead to now and we have been together for 10 years with our first child who is 14 months old.

I'm not saying your relationship is doomed but just be prepared and dont be naive. People have a tendancy to change when they are free and on their own for the first time and you definitely don't really know them until you start living in the same place together. If you both want each other bad enough you'll make it work.

Good luck bud and we'll be here for support if you need to talk.
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Unread 06-15-2012, 09:37 AM   #19
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Don't worry about stuff that hasn't happened yet.

As long as you prepare for all eventualities.
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Unread 06-15-2012, 11:10 AM   #20
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Some good advice has been given so far. It is understandable to be anxious and worried. There's a lot of stuff going on, moving to another city, attending a university/college and living with another human being that isn't immediate family and most of all you have an intimate relationship.

As several other people have mentioned only by living together with another person you get to really know them, which means that will either tighten your relationship or break it apart. In case of the second situation don't take it to hard and always remember that everybody is replaceable, that there are a lot of women out there and you'll find the one suited for you. On the other hand you might just be lucky and have found the woman want to spend the rest of your life with.

In any case aside the most important thing is communication. You should even talk to her about this with her. Communication is the key in every relationship and I am pretty sure she is going through a similar phase. Talking it out might calm you and her and make the experience less stressful. Making a good financial program is a good idea as other members have mentioned and aside from any relationship problems you should never forget that your main goal is to finish school. Love and flowers are nice but it doesn't pay the bills, unless you are in the adult industry business.

Aside from careful planing though there are always variables that you can't predict or counter for before. So being resilient is very important and always reassessing the situation from time to time. As personalities we are maturing and evolving all the time, aside from our basic attributes, and may change our goals.

My motto is that it is better to try something and fail or decide you don't like it than wonder what would have been.

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Unread 06-15-2012, 03:31 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Edika View Post
In any case aside the most important thing is communication. You should even talk to her about this with her. Communication is the key in every relationship and I am pretty sure she is going through a similar phase. Talking it out might calm you and her and make the experience less stressful. Making a good financial program is a good idea as other members have mentioned and aside from any relationship problems you should never forget that your main goal is to finish school. Love and flowers are nice but it doesn't pay the bills, unless you are in the adult industry business.
This. Definitely this!

For me, it took until my current marriage (my second) to learn and appreciate how communication makes a marriage, or any relationship for that matter, much more pleasant.

Go into this move with a positive attitude, focus on the books, keep the relationship strong, and just live life. No one can predict the future but you can't go living life pondering of what might go wrong.
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Unread 06-15-2012, 10:54 PM   #22
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It sounds like you are trying to improve yourself. If you go get further education though, make sure to major in a field where employers will be looking for employees upon your graduation.

Employers are always looking for engineers, IT workers, and for many workers within the medical field.

I can say as a Master of Business Administration, my degree means jack shit right now.
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Unread 06-15-2012, 11:08 PM   #23
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I say look before you leap, and always have an escape plan if things go to seed. Everybody needs to leave the nest sometime, but don't do so in a way that will leave you in a bad spot.
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Unread 06-16-2012, 01:55 AM   #24
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