The Rules Of Metal

[ecalcagnino]

Man, I was listening to Sirius today and Sacred Reich came on. I haven't heard that in forever, it was ultimate

Act III was a good disc, too. Wasn't the drummer like 16 on that one or something? We administered a couple of those tunes and a couple from Frolic Through the Park to fill out some set lists WAY back in the day. That was true.

Speaking of Violence, anyone else like those guys? They were pretty ultimate, too.

[wolfsd]

Okay now.....I'm going to get all teary eyed here as we go down the road of memories....

Vio-lence, Whiplash, Atrophy, Dark Angel, Hallows Eve, Annihilator, Anthrax, Bad Brains, Confessor.....*Sigh*, looks like I'm going to waste the rest of the day listening to some old friends........At least I will be getting back in touch with some of my roots...

*Administers Whiplash's Insult To Injury*
Now.....where did I put those damn picks.......

[Regor]

Correct me if i'm wrong... cuz I don't know anything about Vio-lence. But wasn't that, like, Rob Flynn from Machine Head's old band? I know Phil Dremmel, the new guitarist in MH, was from Vio-lence.

[ecalcagnino]

Sure is. Man I miss those guys. Vio-Lence, Forbidden and a couple others mentioned here were so overlooked, it's a total shame.

Man, wolfsd, we should compare collections, my thrash bro! \mm/ Awesome, that's the first time I saw all those names put on one page since my high school notebook covers...heh..

[Shawn]

I remember Frolic Through The Park. Awesome.
Vio-Lence's Opressing The Masses is good.
Im going to administer Obituary's Cause Of Death. James Murphy is awesome.

[jski7]

Originally Posted by Flobanez

While your at it...why not ACT III Death Angel.
I've been yearning for that.
*administers Sacred Reich's American Way*
Killer.

Mmmm , Death Angel - Seemingly Endless Time . Bad as .... .
Sacred Reich , Forbidden . I'd almost completely forgotten about those days way back when . I'm going to procure some of these guys on cd and administer without delay !

[Ancestor]

beautiful... this made my day.

[ecalcagnino]

I love on Oppressing the Masses you can hear the kick pedal squeaking. Just awesome. That guy has the fastest fills I have ever heard. Sick!

[Shawn]

Sepultura-Beneath The Remains should be a good one to administer.

[ecalcagnino]

If you guys are interested, here is some stuff I administered about 13 years ago. All original, all me except drums. These were pre-vox demos for our Roadracer signing that happened then died almost as quick heh... nice! It's thrashy and Testament-ish or something...

http://www.prankmonki.com/alchemist/

We got to play with a lot of cool bands and because we were based in Milwaukee we were always involved with Metalfest if any of you are familiar with it.

I was writing this stuff when I was 16-19 and I recorded these in 1993 at the ripe old age of 20.

[Shawn]

I'll be checking that out.

[dan5150]

Bringing the discussion back from reminising about the old days....

I have had this posted on the wall above my amp for a few years now.
I will also be the first to admit that I am in violation of a few of them.

Allow me to administer the supreme "Rules of Rock".

RULES OF ROCK

For anyone in a band or anyone who wants to be in a band

1.) Don't misspell any words in your band's name. Many bands opt to switch the letter "I" for the letter "y". This is cool if you're into everyone with 1/8 to 1/16 a brain assuming that you are a crappy jock/rap/metal band. For instance, Limp Bizkit, Strait Up, and Korn are all these type of bands. Are any of them good? Check and mate.
2.) Avoid using food products in your band's name. Chances are you'll misspell it anyways. Also chances are you'll pick some crappy food over a tasty one.
3.) Don't wear your band's own shirts. No exceptions or excuses accepted. Don't think the "but I'm on tour and we haven't been able to wash our clothes, it's the only thing clean I had to wear" story is gonna fly...wear the dirty shirt, you're a rocker my friend.
4.) Don't play reggae unless you are in Bad Brains.
5.) Cowboy hats are for cowboys only. That is why they are called cowboy hats. You aren't Madonna nor are you trend setting. And unless your main transportation is a horse just don't wear a cowboy hat, or you're a total poser cowboy.
6.) This one here is a no brainer and it's mainly, but not solely, directed towards the ska bands. DO NOT insert the name of your genre, or something related to your genre into your band's name. You don't see any good bands attempt this. except (Metallica, but even that is questionable) The best solution to this problem is to not start a ska band in the first place, cos not only are ska bands just itching to break this rule and prove their dorkdom, but nobody's scoring gash with a ska band anyway.
7.) Avoid using the words theory, project, or plan in the title of your band name.
8.) Don't play funk. Don't even joke about playing funk.
9.) Visors on band members (or anyone for that matter) earn yourself a bitch slap. If you have your visor sideways, upside down, or both your penalty increases to additional groin area pummeling.
10.) For shows, props are generally a bad idea. They usually stimulate the audience's what-the-hell sensors. If you do decide to use one, make sure it's small and you don't spend most of your time playing with it. Unless of course you are the Beastie Boys, it's 1986, you're opening for Madonna, and you have a giant two story penis on stage.
11.) If your band has a cozy fan base of say, five, skip out on the huge rock star banner. It is key to grasp the idea that people don't operate on the if-they-have-a-banner-they-have-to-be-good mentality.
12.) Never have all members wear the same shirt. This is a ridiculous concept and should not be explained.
13.) If you're playing your hometown, don't say "What's up (town)". This phrase is reserved for the out of town and/or touring bands. You might make them mad by stealing their pep speech.
14.) If you're playing outside of your hometown, don't say, "What's up(town)". This screams shoot me in the face.
15.) Preaching is for church, shut up and rock.
16.) Cordless guitars are only ok if your first name is Eddie, your last name is Van Halen, and you kick ass at playing guitar with a power drill. If this is not the case, don't venture there.
17.) Playing your guitar up by your neck makes you look like a geek. Period. If you need an example, take a cue from a few of the greats...look at Slash's guitar height, or maybe take a peek at where Duff let the bass rest, or possibly look at just how low Chris Novaselic rode his rock axe.
18.) If you play bass make sure you have only 4 strings. If you play guitar make sure you only have 7 or less. If you play drums know that if your set looks like something Tommy Lee would play while hanging upside down, you are a jackass. You don't need 12 cymbals fruitcake.
19.) Gold hardware and/or wood stained anything is a no-no. Ditto for neon anything.
20.) White cordless mics were used by Vanilla Ice, don't travel the same road.
21.) Unless you are an immortal rock god, spitting or throwing water into the crowd instantaneously eliminates any chance you had at getting laid that night. It may ensure you getting your ass kicked though.
22.) Covering new wave songs, oldies, or current Top 40 songs means your band sucks mad horse dong. The "hey wouldn't it be funny to cover that N'Sync song and make it punk" idea is about as funny as a knee to the crotch.
23.) If all of your songs are about how much you miss your girlfriend, do us a favor and instead of touring, stay home geek.
24.) Kick out the fat guy, he's the reason you are never gonna be big.
25.) If you're fat, kick yourself out, you're blowing it for the rest of the band.
26.) If you're a metal band, make sure that you are a metal band before you say you are a metal band. A pretty fool proof test is to ask yourself if you think Rob Halford would be into your band back in the days when Judas Priest was the shit.
27.) If you have a DJ make sure he at least has two turntables. I actually recommend no DJ, but if you gotta go there...
28.) I take that back. No DJ's. This DJ in bands shit has to stop now.
29.) Shave. Beards = blowing it.
30.) Don't wear backward baseball caps, unless you're the Beastie Boys.
31.) Use a pick. If you play slap bass you need your fingers broken.
32.) Don't tell the crowd what they can and can't do. You're not Fugazi. If you want to be a cop, get off the stage and go join the police academy champ.
33.) Unless you're the headliner you shouldn't be playing hour and a half sets, keep it short. The idea that "Hey these people don't seem to like us, maybe they just didn't like those songs, let's play some more until we play on they like" is never accurate. Get off the stage. We want to go home.

[rx]

the funniest part is how you have to flex at everything (which I really do) but I don't get the "obtain" part. is it saying that stealing aka. "obtaining" something from a store is cool?

[Metal Ken]

Originally Posted by rx

the funniest part is how you have to flex at everything (which I really do) but I don't get the "obtain" part. is it saying that stealing aka. "obtaining" something from a store is cool?

To obtain simply means to 'get'. Doesnt matter if you pay for it or not. Its just saying instred of using 'get' , you use 'obtain' (to acquire)

[Shannon]

7.) Avoid using the words theory, project, or plan in the title of your band name.

Ooops. I broke that rule.

Whatever. That list has too many damn rules anyway.

[Leon]

Originally Posted by Shannon

7.) Avoid using the words theory, project, or plan in the title of your band name.

Ooops. I broke that rule.

Whatever. That list has too many damn rules anyway.

dude, that's rule number SEVEN... ::flexing::

[The Dark Wolf]

Originally Posted by Shannon

7.) Avoid using the words theory, project, or plan in the title of your band name.

Ooops. I broke that rule.

Whatever. That list has too many damn rules anyway.

Agreed. What up with no beards? Huh? Metal's primitive man, not pretty boy. And only 4 string basses? Uh... that doesn't match too well with 7-string guitars, so someone on that list needs to do some math.

as an aside, I just saw a bunch of bands this weekend FROM Toledo (my town) here IN Toledo, who said "What's up, Toledo?!" left and right.

[Leon]

i'm going to name my next band Theory Of A Project Plan, we're gonna play funk, and will be asking the crowd how they're doing every 5 minutes :p

oh yeah, i'm having particular problem with this one...
19.) Gold hardware and/or wood stained anything is a no-no. Ditto for neon anything.

and...
31.) Use a pick. If you play slap bass you need your fingers broken.

John Myung. 'nuff said.

[Regor]

Originally Posted by The Dark Wolf

Agreed. What up with no beards? Huh? Metal's primitive man, not pretty boy. And only 4 string basses? Uh... that doesn't match too well with 7-string guitars, so someone on that list needs to do some math.

as an aside, I just saw a bunch of bands this weekend FROM Toledo (my town) here IN Toledo, who said "What's up, Toledo?!" left and right.

Hey Wolf, do you know of a place called the Longhorn Saloon? Last year in November my band played there along with another band, Pillowblock. I'll let you know if we ever get to play there again.

[The Dark Wolf]

Originally Posted by Regor

Hey Wolf, do you know of a place called the Longhorn Saloon? Last year in November my band played there along with another band, Pillowblock. I'll let you know if we ever get to play there again.

I've never been there, Rog, but I know of it, certainly.

Yes, do let me know, bro.

[Regor]

[submarine]It's definately a dive[/submarine]

[Metal Ken]

Here's some more:
The RULES OF BLACK METAL

Don't be gay.
2. Be "true".
3. All people who aren’t "true" are gay.
4. Be grim.
5. Be necro.
6. Be simultaneously grim and necro if at all possible.
7. Break things while being grim and necro.
8. Don't have fun at concerts. Stand around with arms crossed.
9. Repeat all above while denouncing organized religion in any form.
10. Never ever, EVER under ANY circumstances...
11. ...Listen to Peccatum.
12. When someone asks you if you enjoy the music of Mayhem, point out that you only enjoy the music of "the true" Mayhem. Maniac is gay.
13. Don't play with fuzzy things, excepting that by "play" you mean "burn".
14. Don't be Dani Filth.
15. Never, ever, under any circumstances utter the phrase "Kenny G slams, man."
16. Don't be Dani Filth.
17. When your mom tells you to take out the garbage tell her that you're too metal to remove refuse.
18. Run for it!
19. Sodomize a virgin whore.
20. Sodomize anything that is not male. (Fuzzy things look out!)
21. Make sure your album goes out of print about 3 years after its release... so it becomes 'cult'.
22. When in doubt, say "True Norwiegian Black Metal!"
23. If that doesn't work, blast beats can fill any silence.
24. Turn any cross you find upside-down.
25. Nipple twisting is not a blackmetal activity..
26. Write a cult, underground, grim and necro zine. Feature only interviews with bands no one has heard of, even "true" blackmetallers.
27. Never ever, EVER, EVER be open-minded.
28. Never write songs less than 15 minutes long and containing less than 15 adjectives in the title.
29. a) paint face. b) go in woods. c) act like troll.
30. Don't be Mortiis (or Dani Filth).
31. Don't wear white shoes after Labor Day.
32. Don't make jokes only your mom would get.
33. Don't make jokes.
34. When in doubt, scowl with eyes downturned.
35. Don't eat Marshmellow Peeps.
36. To producers of black metal albums: remember...no low end! If it doesn't hurt to listen to, it can't be "true".
37. Make sure that no less than half of the musicians on your album are "session" members.
38. When in concert, always growl names of songs so that they are imperceptible. This will ensure that anyone who doesn't have your "cult" LP won't get it.
39. Never play live.
40. When getting ready to go to a show, completely forget that the other people there are not going to the show to look at you.
41. Use barbed wire whenever possible. (Note: this assists in being both "necro" and "grim".)
42. When asked by a non true BMer what BM is, say something like, "BM is the raw essence of pure black evil in man", in any case, make sure that by the conversations end, the other person still has no idea what black metal is.
43. Drive one of your band members to suicide, and claim he died because of the "mainstream" "infecting" the "scene".
44. Reform with "old members" and release an album intended to produce commercial success.
45. When it flops say that you meant it to fail cause anything less wouldn't be "true".
46. Have a side project. Ensure that all other members of your band also have side projects.
47. Fill out the other slots in your other member's side projects as "session" musicians.
48. Record everything in the same studio with the same producer/instruments/equipment/etc.
49. Make sure your album cover never consists of more than three colors (color options allowed: grey, black, white).
50. Publicly state that your band is "non-religious", then use the word "Satan" over 400 times on your one-song thirty-minute album.
51. Never stuff your shoes to make them appear puffy and avoid the wearing of backwards baseball caps if at all possible. Red ones in particular.
52. Insist that music should never progress and that it should still sound the same way it did 9 friggin years ago.
53. Never say "friggin".
54. Never finish anything you start.
55. The word "Hail" is the only appropriate greeting whenever greeting someone "true".
56. If feeling especially true on a given occasion, try "Infernal Hails".
57. All logos must include illegible writing and at least one inverted cross and/or pentagram. This is non-negotiable.
58. When referring to sex with a Metal Chick use only the terminology "sticking my clouded frost-spire into her gates of attrition".
59. Design complex logo for your grim black metal band on binder paper in the middle of math class.
60. Accept every interview you're offered...then pretend that you really don't enjoy being interviewed.
61. Thoroughly enjoy Star Trek: The Next Generation.
62. Wait... scratch that last one. (See rule 1)
63. Never divulge to any outsiders the Exact Day of the Divine Arrival of the Massive Hoof. Instead, inform them that they should be ready to suck the Dark Lord's greasy @#%$ at any time.
64. Use the phrase "suck the dark lord's greasy @#%$" whenever possible.
65. If you ever find that you have somehow become a member of Hecate Enthroned, be sure to piece together a music video of scrap footage of yourself walking around in the woods at night looking evil. Only, instead of being night make sure it's the middle of the @#%$ day, and instead of looking evil, look dorky instead. (See also: rule 1)
666. Own hundreds of black metal albums, demos and bootlegs. Listen to approximately 8 of them regularly.
67. Humping a ceramic Virgin Mary in front of your uncle's house is not "pimping it" (unless you tell her you're done then blow in her face like a shotgun when she turns around).
68. Refrain from using keyboard smilies when communicating via the Internet. Single acceptable smily: -(
69. Why isn't the word "Northern" in your album title yet!? Get to it! Amatuers...
70. Spelling things correctly is neither grim nor necro.
71. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
72. No matter where you're from, pretend you're from Norway and therefore 'true'.
73. Don't be Dani Filth. (I think that's clear)
74. All pets you own now will henceforth be known as "Crucifier". Any pets you own in the future will also be known as "Crucifier".
75. True black metaller: "Many of our dark hymns are influenced by the mighty Tolkien... You have not read the works of Tolkien!? Nerd. Wait a minute... It appears I am the nerdy one after all!"
76. @#%$, I'm talking to myself again.
77. Norsk Arysk Blak Metal! Rahhh!!
78. That's better, on with the interview!
80. Create inverted crosses in all possible instances. Suggested tools: Drum sticks, twigs, pool cues, pencils, etc. (See also "clouded frost spire")
81. Profess publicly that you are a Satanist and add that you are in touch with Norway's ancient Pagan past. Pretend that somehow those two facts make sense in conjunction.
82. Stick your dick in the mashed potatoes.
83. Don't make Beastie Boys references.
84. Don't make references.
85. Satanus. Huh huh huhuhuhuh.
86. Huhuhuhuhuhuhuh.
87. If possible, design the title of your album so that it consists of three completely unrelated words. Dimmu Borgir are the master of this (i.e. Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, Spiritual Black Dimensions, Puritanical Euphoric Misanthropia, Godless Savage Garden) but you may also want to refer to Immortal's "Diabolical Fullmoon Mysticism".
88. As we all know, women have no place in the homoerotic world of black metal, but if your girl friend still won't stop bugging you about wanting to be involved in your band, give her a lame spoken word part or something.
89. Never form a band containing you, your wife and/or girlfriend, and some gay looking guy. (See also: rule 11)
90. Go to bed when your mom tells you to.
91. If it's rare, it must be good. Order it immediately.
92. I will not add that as it is not metal enough.
93. Are you metal enough to be reading this?
94. Own every Darkthrone release. Listen to exactly none of them.
95. Own cult-as-@#%$ shirts of bands you not only own no releases of, but also haven't even heard.
96. Use the phrase "cult-as-@#%$" whenever possible.
97. Attempt to randomly throw the word "@#%$" during random segments of your songs. (Kindly refer to Attilla's work on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas.)
98. In order to make your recording more incomprehensible and therefore more "cult", be sure to either select a singer who has only a tenuous grasp on the language to be sung. (Acceptable languages: Norwegian, Latin, Orcish.)
99. I'll tell you what your album lay out needs...Some titties.
100. And you know what else? How long since you acted like a troll? Pick up that makeup and fight, soldier!
101. You mean to tell me you read this whole thing when you could've have been prancing about in the forest with an axe? For shame! For shaaaaame!!

[theunforgiven246]

dont be dani filth! oh man that made me piss my pants!

[Naren]

That Black Metal thing had some funny parts. Laughed aloud a few times.

But what's up with some of those "rules of rock"? No basses with more than 4-strings? If you have a 7-string guitar, you should have a 5-string bass (or 6-string -- the more strings the better, I say). And "Use a pick. If you play slap bass you need your fingers broken."?? Slap bass is very cool. And why use a pick? Why not regular finger-style? As far as I'm concerned, there's nothing wrong with cordless guitars. If it's good enough for Van Halen, it's good enough for... well, I don't have one, but it'd be cool if I did. And gold hardware and wood stained guitars/basses are also pretty cool. My Gibson Les Paul Studio has gold hardware and I owned a nice wood-stained accoustic. Very beautiful. And what the hell with the shaving? Especially in metal (or classic rock, etc.), there are and have been so many bands with beards, goaties, etc.

Yeah... well... mmm...

Oh yeah, and the rules of metal thing at the beginning was hilarious. I think I'm gonna go administor some Black Sabbath, early 80's Metallica, and some Slayer.

[drummer_55]

Metal ....ing rules!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!