Not sure what I should do. Seeking advice about the possibility of fatherhood

[The Norsemen]

Well. I'm not really sure if this is the place to post this.
A lot of you folks here on SSO really seem to have good heads on your shoulders so I figured I might ask you all what you think about this.
If I play my cards right I just might get my own episode of Maury.


Well I was dating this chick I met after I played a show in October.
I know, those girls are generally the kind you don't involve yourself with but this one was somethin else.
Anywho,
About two, two and a half months ago me and my ex-girlfriend decided things weren't working out. We both had a lot of shit going on.
She has since gone back to the man she was with previously.
We still keep in touch, talk regularly, etc. We still care a lot about each other and all that stuff.

The other day she informed me that during a check-up at the doctor they told her she was pregnant.
Despite birth control. (99.9% effective indeed)
The predicted date of conception is right along the line of when we broke up. More on my side of course.
The baby is more than likely mine. But there is a small chance that it is not.

Now there's a whole slew of problems with this. Moral, legal, medical. You name it.
I'm 19 and shes 22. We're both young. Her boyfriend is absolutely ecstatic to have a child, even though he knows its more than likely mine.
At this point he refuses to acknowledge this. But sooner or later that asshole will cause a stir and that won't be good for her.
She was pregnant once before and miscarried, I've had two children on the way before myself from stupid mistakes that both miscarried as well.
She is high risk without a doubt.
So from a medical standpoint we are both very worried.
If this child is mine, then I've just about effectively ruined my ex and her boyfriends relationship. He claims that if it isn't his, he's leaving.
Which in all honesty is good for her. Regardless of where I come in.
I feel terrible about it, but at the same time he is a worthless piece of shit so I don't know.

We don't need to be together to have a child together, and I don't know what is going to happen between her and I, but the two of us have come to a mutual understanding that I will be there.
If the child is mine, I'm going to step up. It's the only right thing to do and I would never leave a child fatherless and leave her alone to raise him/her.

The only thing set in stone for me is that I WILL be there for her and the child.

But other than that I have no idea how to deal with this.
Because I cannot find out if I'm the father until the child is born.
What do I do til then?
Sit there on the sidelines and watch another man take care of my child through her pregnancy?
Or thrust myself into the fray at the risk of it not being mine at all?
At this point I think the best thing I can do is be around when I'm needed. Try and stay level through this and not fly off the handle about it.
I just need to get this out there, because I don't have anyone to talk to here.

Have any of you found yourself in this situation before?
What would you do given all of these circumstances?

[MaxOfMetal]

I guess I'll be the first to bring this up: have you considered terminating the pregnancy?

You can find out the paternity prior to birth via CVS or Amniocentesis as early as 10 weeks in.

[The Norsemen]

Originally Posted by MaxOfMetal

I guess I'll be the first to bring this up: have you considered terminating the pregnancy?

You can find out the paternity prior to birth via CVS or Amniocentesis as early as 10 weeks in.

Yes.
I'm very pro-choice but she is against abortion entirely.
coupled with the fact that I'm not the set in stone father, I have absolutely no control over what she decides to do.

Because she is high risk, and CVS/Amnio are both very dangerous to pregnancy she cannot, and will not have that performed. Apparently CVS/Amnio is almost never used just to determine paternity these days because of the inherent risks.
This is what my local quacks are saying, at least.

[Konfyouzd]

That's quite the pickle to be in.

I see it like this:

If the child does turn out to be yours and you don't find out until after the birth, it's not like the child really "knows" that other dude. It might feel weird [for you] at first, but if he leaves and you step up then you're the father both biologically and in practice.

I'm not one to value a biological father over the man that raises me. If a man knocks a chick up and leaves he's a sperm donor and I've never quite understood why ppl feel the need to seek these folks out when the one that raised you and actually was your father regardless of your biological relation to him has been there all along. To me it would take a real man to be both and that's what it seems you're determined to be.

Moreover, if he's already expressed that if the baby turns out to be yours he's leaving then it seems to me the only thing left to do is be still and wait to find out.

I wish you the best of luck in this.

[Stealthdjentstic]

If shes still on good terms with you but doesnt want to get her pregnancy terminated then it seems as if you dont have much of a choice. Obviously not taking care of the kid would be a dick move. Maybe you'll luck out and itll be the other guys.

[The Norsemen]

Originally Posted by Konfyouzd

That's quite the pickle to be in.

I see it like this:

If the child does turn out to be yours and you don't find out until after the birth, it's not like the child really "knows" that other dude. It might feel weird [for you] at first, but if he leaves and you step up then you're the father both biologically and in practice.

I'm not one to value a biological father over the man that raises me. If a man knocks a chick up and leaves he's a sperm donor and I've never quite understood why ppl feel the need to seek these folks out when the one that raised you and actually was your father regardless of your biological relation to him has been there all along. To me it would take a real man to be both and that's what it seems you're determined to be.

Moreover, if he's already expressed that if the baby turns out to be yours he's leaving then it seems to me the only thing left to do is be still and wait to find out.

I wish you the best of luck in this.

I agree with the whole Father and sperm donor mentality.
Although this isn't the way I wanted to be introduced to fatherhood, I'm not going to let my mistakes mess up the life of a child. Especially my own.
I'll .... up my life all day long before I do that.

I figured I'd have to play the waiting game.
I suppose I'm going to spend the next 7 months or so figuring shit out in case I end up being that guy.

[The Norsemen]

Originally Posted by Stealthdjentstic

If shes still on good terms with you but doesnt want to get her pregnancy terminated then it seems as if you dont have much of a choice. Obviously not taking care of the kid would be a dick move. Maybe you'll luck out and itll be the other guys.

I feel bad either way to be honest.
I don't really want a kid bt at the same time I can't say I hope it belongs to a deadbeat prick.

Look at the odds I beat against the birth control.
My luck

[Konfyouzd]

Originally Posted by The Norsemen

I agree with the whole Father and sperm donor mentality.
Although this isn't the way I wanted to be introduced to fatherhood, I'm not going to let my mistakes mess up the life of a child. Especially my own.
I'll .... up my life all day long before I do that.

I figured I'd have to play the waiting game.
I suppose I'm going to spend the next 7 months or so figuring shit out in case I end up being that guy.

Yea that's true. I mean if you're feeling antsy and feel you want to prepare or this sort of thing (bear in mind that I am NOT a father and may not know wtf I'm talking about) you could:

- Start maybe making space at your place for a potential baby.
- Start saving some $$$ if you haven't already.
- Start looking into healthcare plans at your job that may be better suited for supporting a family (I know some of the single folks at my job end up getting the less expensive health insurance plans I guess bc they don't make as many doctor calls as they might with a family or perhaps there are other reasons, but the HR ladies at my job always tell me "When you have a wife she's gonna make you upgrade it anyway!" )
- This might sound cheesy, but I'm sure there are a whole bunch of "What to expect when you're expecting," books out there and perhaps you could thumb through it a bit and maybe even impress the baby-mama a bit with your extensive new born baby knowledge. It might even help improve your relationship even if it stays exactly the way it is currently in the romantic sense.

And I think I'm just about out of ideas...

[Stealthdjentstic]

Maybe testing the kid later when its less risky or after its born would be a good idea. You definately have some shitty luck but it could be much worse.

[The Norsemen]

Originally Posted by Konfyouzd

Yea that's true. I mean if you're feeling antsy and feel you want to prepare or this sort of thing (bear in mind that I am NOT a father and may not know wtf I'm talking about) you could:

- Start maybe making space at your place for a potential baby.
- Start saving some $$$ if you haven't already.
- Start looking into healthcare plans at your job that may be better suited for supporting a family (I know some of the single folks at my job end up getting the less expensive health insurance plans I guess bc they don't make as many doctor calls as they might with a family or perhaps there are other reasons, but the HR ladies at my job always tell me "When you have a wife she's gonna make you upgrade it anyway!" )
- This might sound cheesy, but I'm sure there are a whole bunch of "What to expect when you're expecting," books out there and perhaps you could thumb through it a bit and maybe even impress the baby-mama a bit with your extensive new born baby knowledge. It might even help improve your relationship even if it stays exactly the way it is currently in the romantic sense.

And I think I'm just about out of ideas...

I'm going somewhere in that direction.
I'm unemployed. Everything always happens at once right?

Which is a serious problem now instead of just being a big problem. I lost my scholarship due to a scheduling error so finding a job with half of a welding degree up here in Farmington has been next to impossible. Sounds like a bunch of excuses, but I'm trying.
This state blows for moneyless white people.

I appreciate everybodys input.
Whereas there aren't any definitive answers yet, my mind is a lot less troubled. I need to focus.
Thanks guys.

[synrgy]

The closest I've been to the situation was when my girlfriend got a false positive on home pregnancy test about a year ago. Not really the same thing.

Anyway, it sounds to me like you're already doing what's best. Be available if she wants you around, but don't force yourself into the picture if she doesn't want you around.

I realize there's clearly another layer here in terms of how you view her relationship with her current guy, but it's in your best long-term interest to leave their relationship completely alone. If it was meant to be, it'll be. If it wasn't meant to be, it won't. If you try to poison that well, though, you'll be doing long-term damage to any potential relationship you may end up having with this child.

Eventually, you'll get medical confirmation as to whether or not it's your child. When that day comes, you can either choose to step up, or step away, and there will ultimately be good, understandable reasons to make either one of those choices. As a product of multiple divorces and entirely too much parental drama, I will say that whichever choice you make should be permanent. If you walk away, that's it; No coming back until or unless you get that awkward knock on your door after the kid turns 18. If you step up, that's it.

One other point: If it turns out to be your kid, PAY CHILD SUPPORT. I don't care if you're in the picture, or out of the picture. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh or mean, but it's a sensitive subject for me, again having been the product of multiple divorces. Few worse feelings as a kid than not being able to do X or Y because your single parent can't afford it and isn't getting any help from your deadbeat parent.

[The Norsemen]

Originally Posted by Stealthdjentstic

Maybe testing the kid later when its less risky or after its born would be a good idea. You definately have some shitty luck but it could be much worse.

Theres going to be a test at birth no matter what.
Thats just a cotton swab.

And yeah man, you're definitely right about that.
Theres a lot worse.
Gotta stay optimistic.

[sage]

On the bright side, you appear mature beyond your years and are handling this better than most men 10 years your senior probably would. The high road is a harder route to travel, but the view is better from up there.

I've not been through this myself, but have been beside someone who has. It ain't easy. The next seven months are all about preparation. I imagine you and the other dude are going halfers on the DNA test? So, prepare yourself for the possibility of being a father and prepare yourself for the other possibility as well. One of the few blessings of being human is the 9 month gestation period, which has a tendency to give otherwise complete and utter dipshits (myself and mrs. sage included) enough time to get their affairs in order to deal with the upcoming little bundle of doom.

Save up enough cash to deal with fatherhood. If you're not the dad, I see a new ERG in your future!

[sage]

Farmington NM? Holy crap. I went to Hermosa Jr. High from 1986-1988. Check at the mine or the power station for work. It's not the nicest work, but it pays well and you can get in as a labourer with just a high school diploma.

[The Norsemen]

Originally Posted by synrgy

The closest I've been to the situation was when my girlfriend got a false positive on home pregnancy test about a year ago. Not really the same thing.

Anyway, it sounds to me like you're already doing what's best. Be available if she wants you around, but don't force yourself into the picture if she doesn't want you around.

I realize there's clearly another layer here in terms of how you view her relationship with her current guy, but it's in your best long-term interest to leave their relationship completely alone. If it was meant to be, it'll be. If it wasn't meant to be, it won't. If you try to poison that well, though, you'll be doing long-term damage to any potential relationship you may end up having with this child.

Eventually, you'll get medical confirmation as to whether or not it's your child. When that day comes, you can either choose to step up, or step away, and there will ultimately be good, understandable reasons to make either one of those choices. As a product of multiple divorces and entirely too much parental drama, I will say that whichever choice you make should be permanent. If you walk away, that's it; No coming back until or unless you get that awkward knock on your door after the kid turns 18. If you step up, that's it.

One other point: If it turns out to be your kid, PAY CHILD SUPPORT. I don't care if you're in the picture, or out of the picture. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh or mean, but it's a sensitive subject for me, again having been the product of multiple divorces. Few worse feelings as a kid than not being able to do X or Y because your single parent can't afford it and isn't getting any help from your deadbeat parent.

You're absolutely right.
Regardless of what happens between the mother and I, I will be there for my kid. Including being there for her.

I had a friend who had divorced parents. They made her switch houses every month and fluctuated her life for years and years.
She is totally ....ed up from it.
I will not be the cause of so much turmoil in a childs life.

[Konfyouzd]

Originally Posted by synrgy

One other point: If it turns out to be your kid, PAY CHILD SUPPORT. I don't care if you're in the picture, or out of the picture. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh or mean, but it's a sensitive subject for me, again having been the product of multiple divorces. Few worse feelings as a kid than not being able to do X or Y because your single parent can't afford it and isn't getting any help from your deadbeat parent.

Not to mention you don't want your wages garnished. I know that ends up making this about you when the baby is clearly a bigger issue at the moment, but you still have to cover your own ass as well.

And to add to Synrgy's point. I wasn't in the middle of several divorces, but some of the time I feel there'd have been less drama if my parents just went ahead and split. But either way, if you do have to deal with your ex in front of the child you should also do your best to be as civil with her as possible. Anything else could set a poor example for the child as to how one should act and/or be treated in a relationship which may or may not have negative long term effects.

After watching my parents' relationship for the past 27 years I want NOTHING to do with relationships or marriage.

[The Norsemen]

Originally Posted by sage

Farmington NM? Holy crap. I went to Hermosa Jr. High from 1986-1988. Check at the mine or the power station.

Then you know how big of a hole it really is here lol
It isn't hard to outshine others in the maturity or morals aspect.
But I appreciate your words all the same.

I'm trying to get on at the power plant by Morgan Lake.
I got a friend who does security there.

[The Norsemen]

Originally Posted by Konfyouzd

Not to mention you don't want your wages garnished. I know that ends up making this about you when the baby is clearly a bigger issue at the moment, but you still have to cover your own ass as well.

Oh yeah I agree.
I have a decrepit rig as it as.
I'll never have my very own NGD thread on SSO if that happens.
Not that I made one for my current guitar but its the thought!

[Konfyouzd]

Originally Posted by The Norsemen

Oh yeah I agree.
I have a decrepit rig as it as.
I'll never have my very own NGD thread on SSO if that happens.
Not that I made one for my current guitar but its the thought!

[The Norsemen]

Originally Posted by Konfyouzd

And to add to Synrgy's point. I wasn't in the middle of several divorces, but some of the time I feel there'd have been less drama if my parents just went ahead and split. But either way, if you do have to deal with your ex in front of the child you should also do your best to be as civil with her as possible. Anything else could set a poor example for the child as to how one should act and/or be treated in a relationship which may or may not have negative long term effects.

After watching my parents' relationship for the past 27 years I want NOTHING to do with relationships or marriage.

Nobody has to worry about that.
Being civil to women is part of the reason all the older ones come to me
But in all seriousness, I've had some good mentors on how NOT to treat women and children.

[Stealthdjentstic]

Originally Posted by The Norsemen

Theres going to be a test at birth no matter what.
Thats just a cotton swab.

And yeah man, you're definitely right about that.
Theres a lot worse.
Gotta stay optimistic.

Yeah man, just think of it this way, at least you'll be ....ing a milf if it is your kid

[Konfyouzd]

Stealth = Ridiculous

[The Norsemen]

Originally Posted by Stealthdjentstic

Yeah man, just think of it this way, at least you'll be ....ing a milf if it is your kid

Hahaha you're right!
Wouldn't be the first time!

First time I venture into the spanish girl land though, blam!
Babies!

[flint757]

Just so you know DNA paternity tests are not common at birth (someone usually just signs the certificate ) and cost money pending on insurance. Sometimes around like $500. At the very least it is worth checking in to just so you don't get another surprise.

[snowblind56]

Originally Posted by flint757

Just so you know DNA paternity tests are not common at birth (someone usually just signs the certificate ) and cost money pending on insurance. Sometimes around like $500. At the very least it is worth checking in to just so you don't get another surprise.

$500 once > 17% for 18 years.

I will say that, my three kids bring me more joy than I could have ever imagined. If it is yours, cherish it.