SS.org Joke Thread

[AnarchyDivine88]

Originally Posted by Jakke

An irishman walks out of a bar...

[AngstRiddenDreams]

[ghstofperdition]

Yeah I call b.s. on that. Truth would be more like

"So a drunken Irishman was dragged out of a bar by police while he was kicking, screaming obscenities, making lewd gestures, and by all accounts doing a hell of a job resisting arrest. It should also be noted that he wasn't wearing any pants..."

[Jakke]

I suspect this joke is too sophisticated for this crowd

[mr_rainmaker]

A fairly young, fairly attractive couple go to see a doctor and say they're having trouble making love. 'Could you watch us and correct any mistakes we might be making?' asks the guy. The doc thinks it a bit unusual but says 'OK' He watches for a while, offers a couple of suggestions and when they finish says 'well things look pretty good to me, you don't seem to have any problems'. To which the couple respond with 'things don't feel exactly right, do you mind if we come back next week for a little more guidance'. The doctor agrees and the couple return the following week. Once again they repeat the performance, get a tiny bit of help and leave quite satisfied. On the third visit the following week the doctor says 'look I really don't see any problem here, in fact I wish my love making was as good, why do you keep coming back?' The young man says 'well to tell you the truth, I'm a guitarist in a rock band, live in a smelly old squat and don't make much money. she's married to this other guy who works from home so we can't go there. I can't afford to take her to a motel. this place is warm and friendly, we get free coffee and magazines while we wait and I get all the costs back from Medicare.

[DrakkarTyrannis]

Two Irish priests walk into a bar.....................I lost my mother to cervical cancer..

[glassmoon0fo]

old favorite of mine, I found a MUCH shorter version of it (i got a thing for long jokes, see earlier in this thread haha)

One day a woman, feeling particularly lonely that day, walked into a sex shop. The cashier asked if she needed help, to which she replied "yes, i would like the best dildo you have...the price is not an issue." The cashier asked her to wait a moment and disappeared into the back of the store. When he returned, he was holding a dusty and ancient looking box. When he opens the box, inside is a normal looking dildo. "What's so special about this?" the woman asked. The cashier then explained that this was a MAGIC dildo, all you needed to do was say "Magic Dildo, _______" and fill in the blank with whatever you wanted the dildo to ...., and it will .... it by itself.

The woman returns home with her new merchandise eager to try it out. She goes up to her room with the dildo and says "magic dildo, my vagina!" The next hour is filled with the best sex she has ever had. Afterwards, however, she realizes there is a small problem. How do you get the magic dildo to stop?? The woman panics and gets into her car and speeds over to the sex shop hoping to catch the cashier again before the store closes. Unfortunately, on the way over she is pulled over by a police officer.

"what's the big rush?" The policeman asks. The woman then continues to tell the police officer the story of her strange day, to which the skeptic replies "Ha! Magic dildo my ass!"

[BlackMastodon]

I demand that this thread live!!!!!

So a delivery guy is at work, doing his route, delivering packages and what not.
He pulls up to one house and walks up to the door holding a parcel and rings the doorbell.
No answer, but he can hear the faint sound of music from inside the house.
He rings the doorbell again and knocks on the door as well just to make sure.
About 10 seconds later, the door opens and a small boy is standing there, no older than 8 years old, wearing women's underwear, an oversized bra, high heels, tons of making, smoking a cigarette and holding a glass of what looks like scotch on the rocks, all while listening to a Madonna CD rather loudly.
The delivery man says, "Whoa! Err, son are your parents home?"
The kid answers, "The .... do you think?"

[AntoneBigsby]

this thread needs more demetri martin:


I like parties, but I don’t like piñatas because the piñata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there’s a donkey with some pizzazz. Let’s kick its ass. What I’m trying to say is, don’t make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything


The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast


If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters


The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades


And needs even more Steven Wright:



Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.


I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.


They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning... (Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live on the edge...


I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.


I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.


Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

[glassmoon0fo]

Someone negged me for the Bartender joke

RACIST JOKES WARNING:

What's the difference between a jew and a canoe?
Canoes tip every now and then.

Ever hear about that new jewish car?
Can hit 60 in less than 4 seconds, stops on a dime, AND picks it up for you.

How did copper wiring come into existance?
Two jews fighting over a penny.

What happens when a jew with a boner runs into a brick wall?
Breaks his nose.

Come to think of it, why DO jews have big noses?
Air is free.



I'm biracial, if I have to make some black/white jokes to make these ok, so be it haha.

[BlackMastodon]

Originally Posted by glassmoon0fo

Someone negged me for the Bartender joke

I guess their marriage was falling apart or they didn't like your dry humour.

[flint757]

Originally Posted by BlackMastodon

I guess their marriage was falling apart or they didn't like your dry humour.

Yeah I thought that joke was brilliant

[AnarchyDivine88]

Originally Posted by glassmoon0fo

I'm biracial, if I have to make some black/white jokes to make these ok, so be it haha.

I'm kind of curious, what would a black/white joke be? lol I tried googling for some but it just keeps giving me interracial porn sites

[glassmoon0fo]

Well, I meant white OR black jokes. Except, there arent many white people jokes, either the government keeps taking them off the net or it's just too good to be white in America . Here's a few redneck jokes anyway (the only ones I know)

How do you circumsize a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?
Anywhere else, they probably would have called it a teethbrush.


Two guys from arkansas are walking down the street towards each other, one has a bag over his shoulder. The other stops him and says "'ey mayne, whachu got 'n 'at der sack?" The man says "chickuns". To which, the other say, "'ey mayne, if I guess how many chickuns is in 'at der sack, can I git one from yeh?" The other replies, "Shiiiit, if you guess how many's in 'is her sack, you'n have BOTH of 'em."

And here's a few you'll probably only hear in Louisiana <3

Why hasn't Louisiana fallen off in the ocean yet?
Arkansas Sucks.

How did the water clear from New Orleans quicker than expected after Katrina?
Mississippi Blows.

Don't really have any Texas jokes since the state's so big and wealthy, but just to be thorough, .... Texas too

[AnarchyDivine88]

lmao oh I thought you meant mixed race jokes. Well at least I found some great interracial porn sites JK. Now that I think about it, that show Key and Peele has some though, those two guys are pretty funny.

And now another redneck joke:

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: Firstly, the DNA all matches and secondly, there are no dental records.

[flint757]

Originally Posted by glassmoon0fo

Well, I meant white OR black jokes. Except, there arent many white people jokes, either the government keeps taking them off the net or it's just too good to be white in America . Here's a few redneck jokes anyway (the only ones I know)

How do you circumsize a redneck?
Kick his sister in the jaw.

Did you know the toothbrush was invented in Arkansas?
Anywhere else, they probably would have called it a teethbrush.


Two guys from arkansas are walking down the street towards each other, one has a bag over his shoulder. The other stops him and says "'ey mayne, whachu got 'n 'at der sack?" The man says "chickuns". To which, the other say, "'ey mayne, if I guess how many chickuns is in 'at der sack, can I git one from yeh?" The other replies, "Shiiiit, if you guess how many's in 'is her sack, you'n have BOTH of 'em."

And here's a few you'll probably only hear in Louisiana <3

Why hasn't Louisiana fallen off in the ocean yet?
Arkansas Sucks.

How did the water clear from New Orleans quicker than expected after Katrina?
Mississippi Blows.

Don't really have any Texas jokes since the state's so big and wealthy, but just to be thorough, .... Texas too

hey, hey watch it....we got guns

[AngstRiddenDreams]

Me: "Hey do you want to play the rape game?"
Girl: "NOOO!!"
Me: "That's the spirit!!!!"

[AngstRiddenDreams]

This thread makes me laugh so god damn hard everytime i read through it

[highlordmugfug]

How do you confuse a blonde?


Paint yourself green and throw spoons at her.

[flint757]

Originally Posted by highlordmugfug

How do you confuse a blonde?


Paint yourself green and throw spoons at her.

If someone did that to me I think I'd be confused too.

What a sight that'd be...

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

[Alberto7]

Originally Posted by flint757

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Tell that to the Oxford and Merriam-Webster dictionaries .
"This is just the sort of nonsense up with which I will not put. And .... you." - Winston Churchill... and my own ending sentence beginning with a conjunction.

[shogunate]

Didn't realize how long these jokes were, they go faster when I speak them in person, so I punctuated them with shorter ones. Also, I fully condone the derogatory jokes that keep getting deleted as long as you tell racist jokes about every race, it's even right???

What's the difference between a pile of sand and a pile of dead babies?


You can't lift a pile of sand with a pitchfork.
__________________________________________

A plane is travelling through the air with 3 passengers, a 90 year old priest, a 10 year old schoolboy, and George W. Bush. Midflight, the pilot comes back into the cabin and tells them
"I have some very bad news, we don't have enough fuel to make it to our destination, so we are going to crash in 5 minutes. Unfortunately, there are only 3 parachutes aboard, and I'm taking one. Later, suckers!" and grabs a chute and jumps off the plane. George W. Bush looks at the priest and the schoolboy and proclaims
"Why, I'm the smartest man in the world! The whole wide world! AND I'm president! I can't die, I just can't!" and grabs a pack and jumps off the plane. The priest looks with his old, drooping eyes at the young schoolboy and says "You take the last pack son. I've had a good long life and I know that God is waiting for me in heaven."
The schoolboy replies "Actually mister, we both have parachutes." The priest looked at him, baffled "What do you mean?"
"Well, you know that guy who said he was the smartest man in the world? He just grabbed my school backpack and jumped off"
________________________________

How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?


She answered the iron.
________________________________

A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are all talking and come to the topic and debate of who has it worst. The cucumber says "I've got it the worst. The people come, slice me up and toss me in a big bowl with a bunch of other mutilated vegetables and eat me!". To which the pickle replies, "You think THAT'S bad? When I'm ripe, they toss me in a big jar of vinegar and let me prune and then eat me!" Hearing both of these arguments the penis proclaims "That's nothing. Last night they threw rubber tarp over my head, stuck me a dark room and banged my head against the wall until I threw up and passed out!"
__________________________________
What do ALL of the MOST FAMOUS guitar players in the world have in common in all of their guitars that they PERSONALLY use and endorse???




Rhythm in jump, dancing close to you.
On each and every trem.
____________________________________

A big time texas lawyer is out hunting ducks in the middle of nowhere, and during one particularly fine shot with the shotgun the duck drops onto a patch of land behind a small scraggly fence. The lawyer jumps over the fence to retrieve his kill, and as he does so a tractor pulls up with a very old, very frail farmer on it. The farmer asks what the stranger is doing on his land to which the lawyer replies
"This is my duck, I killed it, and am retrieving it and will be on my way"
The farmer protests, saying "Now wait here son, how I see it that duck is on my land and you're now trespassing, why don't the just leave this one be and go on about your way now, hear?"
This infuriated the lawyer, not about to let some old redneck coot take his rightful kill from him and started shouting "Now listen to me old timer, I killed this duck and I'm a lawyer the second my birdshot killed it it became mine, no matter where it fell, and I will tear you apart in court you old codger, I'm the biggest most expensive lawyer in the state and I will not only sue for MY duck but also for whatever this piece of shit farm is worth for causing me trouble!"
The old man looks at this young strapping hunter and says calmly and thoughtfully "Well, I don't know about all that, but round here we got what we call the 'three kick rule'"
In all his legal training and precedent the lawyer had never heard of the 'three kick rule'
The old man then explains "Goes a lil something like this, see: when we got ourselves a disagreement like this 'un right here, we resolve it with 3 kicks from each party until the other done gives up. So I kick you 3 times in a row, you kick me 3 times in a row, until one of gives up and lets the other have the duck peacefully"
The lawyer looks at this frail, old coot in coveralls and mud and thinks to himself that being so much younger and stronger, he can certainly outlast this contest and on top of that, probably teach this old man a lesson for being so mouthy, too.
"OK old man, I accept!"
The farmer turns off his tractor and slowly, delicately climbs down, turns to the lawyer who's a good foot and a half taller, takes a breath, and lifts his heavy duty, mud crusted boot to nail the hunter right in the kneecap, sending him down and howling in pain. The farmer retracts his boot, and sends his 2nd kick straight into the lawyer's gut, knocking the wind out of him and temporarily silencing his yelling. For his 3rd kick, the farmer took careful aim, and with all the might he could muster and nails the lawyer right in the groin.
For the next few minutes, understandably the lawyer rolls in absolute agony on the ground, while the farmer leaned against his tractor, watching.
Finally, panting and red in the face, the lawyer struggles to his feet and says
"OK... My turn... To kick you 3 times!"
The farmer climbs back on his tractor and replies,

"Ahh, .... it. I give up. You can keep the duck"

[Jesse7]

A man walks into a bar...




It hurt.

[flint757]

Some chem humor for ya...

The second one I mean

[SenorDingDong]

St. Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.

After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."

Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"

The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"