Handling Divorce

[groph]

Parents had a good old fight early this afternoon, I only caught the tail end of it but it sounded like the past 2 dozen or so they had, they're throwing around threats of divorce and name-calling like mature adults.

I don't think it's going to go anywhere since pretty much every fight they've had for years ended in threats of divorce but I figure eventually something's going to snap and my mom will move out. She asked me today if I'd live with her or my dad. Tough question. If I were younger, I'd be bawling my eyes out because my parents' fighting used to destroy me. Now I just understand that their marriage is stagnant, they don't show affection for each other (that's almost certainly affected me in significantly bad ways growing up) and if somebody asked me "Do your parents love each other," I'd say comfortably, "No, not really." I'm 21 and can deal with it but of course the thought of one's family being torn apart since the two people who are responsible for your life now hate each other is never a good experience. Marriage is completely ....ed nowadays and people are divorcing all over the place so surely some of your parents are divorced/separated/at odds/hate each other, how do you deal with it?

[vampiregenocide]

My parents divorced when I was very young, but I have always seen it as a positive thing. They weren't suited for each other, didn't get along and are better off now they're apart. I'm glad they separated really. I can imagine it's a scary thing seeing your parents split up, I do know things were messy when I was younger, but once they come out the other end and go their separate ways things can often be for the better.

[groph]

Yeah if they do then of course I hope it's for the better. I'm just worried about the house, it's going to get split down the middle and both parents might end up living somewhere else and I have to decide who I want to live with. The way my mom asks me who I want to live with and her tendency to use me in arguments IE "arguing with me in front of MY son" really makes me feel that I'm taking a side by making a call on that decision. If my mom just wants someone to be around that badly then I'd live with her but my dad is the financially stable one. I'm just worried more about my mother. She really hasn't been happy in a long time, doesn't really have friends, she spends most of her time playing Age of Conan (my mom's a straight up gamer and she's 50) My dad will be retired next year and if he's divorced he pretty much hasn't a care in the world if he doesn't want one, but his wallet will be getting drained thanks to my school and surely thanks to some legal agreements.

[ittoa666]

I had to deal with this when I was 9. It's an exhausting tornado of don't tell your mom this and don't tell your dad that, and it becomes a pain. Divorce is such a bummer when you're in between all of the mess.

[Korngod]

My parents split when I was 5, so I really didnt get too emotional over it, because I really didnt know what was going on. The worst thing I ever did was tell both parents what they wanted to hear. My father moved out and always asked if I wanted to live with him, Id say yes. My mom always asked if I wanted to stay with her, Id say yes. My sister who was just a few years older was set on moving with my father, and the Judge wanted us to stay together, so when the time came for us to move in with my dad, I pitched a fit about not wanting to move with my dad. At that point my parents were finally able to agree on something, and that was child support. My sister went to live with my dad, and I stayed with my mom, under the agreement that no child support was involved.

[MFB]

Originally Posted by ittoa666

I had to deal with this when I was 9. It's an exhausting tornado of don't tell your mom this and don't tell your dad that, and it becomes a pain. Divorce is such a bummer when you're in between all of the mess.

Same exact thing here, parents divorced at 9 and my dad being the more shock-value of the two, would always have to tell us "Don't let your mom know about this"

[turbo]

my parents still argue and fight
my mom is almost 60 my stepdad is 49.

I felt devasted when my mom was talking about leaving. I felt bad bad because I love my step-dad so much that I call him Father. it just seemed like I would have been at fault to associate with him if a divorce happened.
my mom is a strong woman with someone to go against, but being by herself....not so much.

I love my parents to death...and appreciate everything they are together.

but I can walk into the house to get my kids after work, and can just feel the tension.

my dad works, my moms on disability...bad heart,over weight, anemic. she has a bad left arm rotater cup....but the docs wont operate because they think she will bleed out on the table.


my ex-wife's mom just died 3 weeks ago.

when my mom talked about leaving...everytime I heard the bleeding by 5fdp, I cried.

losing a parent in a divorce or any other way, is really shitty.

I hope they sort things out and get back whats lost.







and feeling like you have to choose sides..........

super shitty x1000

good luck

[troyguitar]

My parents got divorced, remarried each other, then got divorced again. They actually get along better now than they did when they were married. They live 3 miles apart and talk on the phone multiple times a week. It's much easier to see them be apart and nice to each other than together fighting. In other words, divorce can be a good thing.

[ghstofperdition]

My parents divorced when I was 3 months old. I remember growing up and being just downright envious and in the worst kind of way of those whose parents are still married. As I grew up and learned the truth of why my mom took me and ran, I do not blame her at all. Apparently my dad got methed out one night and had her at the business end of a loaded shotgun. She pushed the barrel up suddenly and it blew a hole in the roof. He had her bawling and begging for her life for 10 minutes before she did that. I have been a pawn in their game of one upping each other ever since. I was their way of getting back at each other by them constantly stripping each other of custody of me and forcing the other to pay child support. As a result I have resentment to them both for it because I attribute that as a big factor in why I was such a loner as a kid. Mojo sent to anyone that is dealing with a nasty divorce situation.

[The Reverend]

I was a little shit. My dad never divorced my step-mom, but they did separate after 5 years, so from the time I was 10 until right before I turned 16. I played them against each other, got them to buy me shit to win my affection, and I got them to fight constantly so I could go .... off and do my own thing.

I definitely reaped what I had sown, however. I haven't seen my half-sister since I was 17 (I'm 22 now), and I was homeless for quite a bit. I still think both of my parents are pathetic, horrible people, but I need to track them down and ask forgiveness.

[SirMyghin]

My parents have been divoced since I was 4. Not quite sure how I deal with it, it doesn't bother me I suppose. I have lived with either parent at one time or another and when my mother decided to stop living in the same town I stayed back at my fathers again (although he was working 14 on 8 off at mines, so it was more like living in his house with his wife). I didn't play my parents against eachother, at least that I can recall, and I guess it happening so young made me just accept it. What else did I know afterall? There was no animosity between them, no games, my father had won custody and that was that.

[Varcolac]

Parents divorced when I was 15-16. Threw a lot of angsty teenage huffs. Got over it, still talk to both of them, though I did have a big "my dad's a terrible person how could he do this to me waah waah waah" chip on my shoulder for a few years. Father's now married to the woman he left my mother for, and my mother's seeing someone.

Just remember that relationships tend to fail. There's nothing to be gained by prolonging the inevitable collapse or mourning over the ruins.

[synrgy]

My sister and I are products of multiple divorces. My Mom was on husband #3 when she died back in '02, and my Dad is currently on wife #4.

It is what it is. I never had any choice in the matter(s), and my Mom & Dad divorced when I was about 2 years old, so I don't really remember them ever being together in the first place.

The thing is, people are people. As kids, we have a tendency to put our parents up on pedestals, but they're not really worthy of that. Even if they're 5-star perfect parents, they're still just people. Regular human beings, like you and me. They have just as much right to be happy as anyone else, and if they're miserable being married to each other, it's making the situation perpetually bad not only for them, but for the rest of their family and friends also.

In any case, what I would presume matters most is how they each go about preserving their respective relationships with you. You're plenty old enough now that you don't need to go about 'choosing sides', and if either one of them so much as implies that you should, they're doing you a massive disservice.

The depressing part of the equation is that you may end up having to be the mature one. Just let each of them know that you love them (presuming you actually *do* love them ) and that you would appreciate it if they kept you out of their personal disputes. Certainly let them know you won't tolerate one of them bad-mouthing the other in your presence. A lot of divorced parents I know take every chance they can get to make their ex-spouse look like shit in the eyes of their shared children, and I think that's just plain despicable. Most of us wouldn't let our friends bad mouth our mothers, so we shouldn't let our Dad's do it, either. (That goes both ways, of course.)

Beyond that, all you can really do is live your own life and let them live theirs, and hope for the best for all of you. On the plus side, with divorce rates over the past few decades being what they've been, you're in really good company. The 'weird' families these days are the ones who's parents actually stay happily married their whole lives.

[Xanaga]

My parents always told me if they didnt have a mortgage and a kid togather there was no way they would be together.

Feelsgood

/sarcasm.

[KingAenarion]

This is so sad. My parents have been happily married for 30 years, and are still superbly in love with each other. So in matters of this I guess you probably shouldn't have to take anything I say next as good advice if you don't want to

To be honest, I'd personally give your parents a verbal punch in the gut.

If EITHER of them brings you into one of their arguments in a mention of divorce again, you walk in and tell them to grow the .... up. Tell them to not make a selfish argument in any way about you, that in no way shape or form will you pick sides because they are BOTH in the wrong.

They need to get a grip on reality... relationships are 99% communication. If they have issues they need to talk them out, make compromises that benefit both parties... not yell at each other, make threats and then try and gain leverage in pathetic power plays using their children.

[groph]

Originally Posted by synrgy

My sister and I are products of multiple divorces. My Mom was on husband #3 when she died back in '02, and my Dad is currently on wife #4.

It is what it is. I never had any choice in the matter(s), and my Mom & Dad divorced when I was about 2 years old, so I don't really remember them ever being together in the first place.

The thing is, people are people. As kids, we have a tendency to put our parents up on pedestals, but they're not really worthy of that. Even if they're 5-star perfect parents, they're still just people. Regular human beings, like you and me. They have just as much right to be happy as anyone else, and if they're miserable being married to each other, it's making the situation perpetually bad not only for them, but for the rest of their family and friends also.

In any case, what I would presume matters most is how they each go about preserving their respective relationships with you. You're plenty old enough now that you don't need to go about 'choosing sides', and if either one of them so much as implies that you should, they're doing you a massive disservice.

The depressing part of the equation is that you may end up having to be the mature one. Just let each of them know that you love them (presuming you actually *do* love them ) and that you would appreciate it if they kept you out of their personal disputes. Certainly let them know you won't tolerate one of them bad-mouthing the other in your presence. A lot of divorced parents I know take every chance they can get to make their ex-spouse look like shit in the eyes of their shared children, and I think that's just plain despicable. Most of us wouldn't let our friends bad mouth our mothers, so we shouldn't let our Dad's do it, either. (That goes both ways, of course.)

Beyond that, all you can really do is live your own life and let them live theirs, and hope for the best for all of you. On the plus side, with divorce rates over the past few decades being what they've been, you're in really good company. The 'weird' families these days are the ones who's parents actually stay happily married their whole lives.

Yeah, true. My parents certainly aren't perfect, my dad is known to take everything personally, you can't criticize the guy so he refuses counselling, he's very "my way or the highway" with some things, has that logic of "if you don't have a better way of doing things then shut up," even if what he is doing is totally ridiculous. He kind of plays victim a lot I guess. He's by far and away the most important man in my life and he's been a great father to me, spend lots and lots of time with me and gives me money like you wouldn't believe so I really don't harbor much in the way of hard feelings towards him. He can just act like a child sometimes. My mother of course raised me early on and if I had to confide in one of them it would be my mother. I still think and sometimes worry that I'm not doing enough to maintain my relationship with her, probably because I feel sorry that she doesn't really do a whole lot with her time and she goes on about how she's lonely and unhappy to me after they have a fight. Puts me in a weird situation because as the kid, I don't really owe my parents anything, they brought me into the world so they owe ME, what balances this out is that I'd do the same for any children I have. I just feel sort of distant from both of them. I'd love to see them divorced if it meant that my mom didn't descend into some spiral of total isolation and substance abuse (she's been drinking more than she used to) and if my dad didn't become lonely and bitter. Ideally my mom would live in a nice apartment somewhere close to her sister so they could spend time together and my dad would keep the house, he'll be retired so he can spend his time with his hobbies, I'd probably stay with him and he could generally not give a .... about anything, a 56 year old man on a permanent weekend. Sounds pretty solid to me. I'd be sure to visit my mom really often of course.

It just gets to me that they're probably not happy together right now. It seems to be periods of equilibrium punctuated by fights that ALWAYS end in divorce threats. It's like knowing that the members of your favorite band all hate each other in real life, but magnified by quite a factor since it's your parents. Occasionally they appear to be happy around each other but when tallied up, they fight more. They don't fight that often, probably less than 5 or 6 times a year but it just gets bad and they certainly don't appear to be "in love" whatsoever. I'm starting to think my own emotional distance and inexpressiveness is because of that.

Originally Posted by ghstofperdition

My parents divorced when I was 3 months old. I remember growing up and being just downright envious and in the worst kind of way of those whose parents are still married. As I grew up and learned the truth of why my mom took me and ran, I do not blame her at all. Apparently my dad got methed out one night and had her at the business end of a loaded shotgun. She pushed the barrel up suddenly and it blew a hole in the roof. He had her bawling and begging for her life for 10 minutes before she did that. I have been a pawn in their game of one upping each other ever since. I was their way of getting back at each other by them constantly stripping each other of custody of me and forcing the other to pay child support. As a result I have resentment to them both for it because I attribute that as a big factor in why I was such a loner as a kid. Mojo sent to anyone that is dealing with a nasty divorce situation.

Holy SHIT.

EDIT: @ King, yeah if I'm around when they're fighting next time and one of them brings me into it I'm going to state that I have a problem with it. When they're yelling and screaming outside my door I've been yelling over them to calm the .... down and they stop because I can have a really loud voice; I can yell over both of them. They'll keep fighting but they seem to quiet down at least a bit. I'm not going to step in and try to mediate the argument because when they fight, it's not about the topic at hand, they're both bringing up deep seated problems that are almost definitely the result of emotional distance, they need either counselling or divorce if their relationship is to be healthy, and my dad flat out refuses counselling because the counsellor "isn't here to see what things are like" (because marriage counsellors don't have experience with marriages or anything..) so he doesn't like the idea of someone else intruding into the way he does things, which is typical of him. Lately I've been coming to terms with the fact that I'm batshit crazy sometimes and I've been thinking that some kind of therapy would do me good but A) it's expensive and B) the more I think the more I can relate some of my problems to the characteristics of my parents' relationship and I don't want to be costing my dad hundreds of dollars an hour so I can come home and blame my faults on him. Some kind of three-way family counselling might do us all some good but I doubt my dad will budge. You're lucky about your parents. I know that I absolutely must not give myself away to someone who isn't right for me. Doesn't have to be "perfect" since that's unattainable but I don't ever want to be locked in a relationship that is distant and cold, especially with a child thrown into the mix. I just worry that I'm damaged beyond repair and don't know how to not become distant. You're probably a hell of a lot better adjusted than I am because of your parents.

As far as I know, my dad has never hit my mom IE punched her or anything but he has gotten physical so I'm so worried that the next time something serious happens I'm going to be in my room, hear a smack and then a scream. I'd probably go into autopilot and threaten my dad with his life if he ever did something like that but I have a lot riding on him (financial support for school), but if he hit my mother I couldn't let it slide with nothing. I'd rather not get into a fight with him but if he took a swing at me I'll make him regret it for the rest of his life. I can go for a lot longer than he can and I won't stop when he's down.

EDIT AGAIN: I have a lot of pent up anger regarding this whole situation apparently.

[JJ Rodriguez]

My parents split when I was 14 (27 now). No divorce, their business interests and financial bullshit is too intertwined. They don't really talk at all, if they do it's just when one of them drops paperwork off for the family business off to each other. For a few years, my father still lived in our house, in the basement. That shit was awkward. My brother doesn't get along with my father at all.

Once my father moved out though, shit seemed to seem pretty normal. Not really any advice anyone can give you because everyone is different and situations vary. You probably have your own way of dealing with shit. All I can tell you is that in a few years it won't seem like that big of a deal, especially if it's been like this for awhile, and also because you're an adult, even if you're financially dependent on one (or both) of them.

[Bribanez]

My parents were married till death did they part. My wife, however, her parent's divorced when she was young and she's still F'd up about it.

And in my experiance in dating other girls whose parents are divorced, they always have issues.

[Mr Violence]

My parents split when I was 12. They sat me down and asked me if I imagined them growing old together. They told me they were splitting up a week or two after that. I got home from a friend's house one Sunday and all my dad's stuff was gone.

I didn't even cry. I just went to my room and played Legend of Legaia while my mom vacuumed. It's a ridiculously vivid memory. My mom always worried about me because of it. I had a huge "I refuse to ask anyone for help" chip on my shoulder. The next few years, my dad got a verbal beatdown from my mom at all times. He did cheat after all, but he just kept telling me I'd understand some day. They both had their own way of dealing with it, but the thing is, it consumed them. The only thing that really upset me is that they were so focused on hating each other, I didn't really have much of a relationship with either of them after I was 12. I buried myself in video games and guitar. Tried to be with my friends often. Didn't do drugs or drink or anything. I just quietly grew up. Had to be an adult about the situation way before any kid should.

Sometimes I feel a little damaged because no matter what I accomplished or what I was proud of, I never really had the approval of my parents. Not even approval, moreso any acknowledgement that I existed. I was playing out with relatively big bands to us when I was between 14-18 with my ska band, like Voodoo Glow Skulls, Gym Class Heroes (when they weren't huge), Mustard Plug, whatever else. We weren't great but I was proud. My parents were never at those. My dad tried to make it once but ended up drinking with my step mom and showed up about 2 hours after we played.

I'm convinced that instilled me with a kind of "why bother?" attitude when it comes to anything. It's really hard to overcome. I bullshit my way through college, have a job I don't hate, but I don't have a lot of ambition. Trying to fix it though. Still love music and my friends. I love my parents, too, I just think they ....ed up a little. I don't hold it against them, I just wish it wasn't like that.



What I did take away from it is that they were both miserable with each other. They needed to split up. The side effects and the innocent parties effected are just casualties of war. I'm kind of glad it happened the way it did. I like who I am despite my flaws.


TL;DR
My advice: Never take it personally because it has nothing to do with you. You will be effected, but they are your parents and most likely would never want to put you through it if they didn't have to.