Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Parts Unknown, NJ
Mike, I want to share my personal experiences with you about my severe depression and suicidal thoughts and ideation....
7 years ago, I got to a point where I was in your exact same shoes. My dad and I weren't seeing eye to eye anymore. He told me a few years prior that "maybe once I was his age I'd have my priorities strait"... The following morning, I got up at 12 midnight and walked 2 hours to work in the middle of the winter - snow and all - to get to work. I had other issues I was battling, including my dad's half of the family that despised me ever since I was born and did everything they could to make my life hell. I was at the point where I was going to do something bad to myself, or to the first person that even so much as looked at me the wrong way. It was a time when I knew there was something seriously wrong, and I had started researching what the issues were (depression, Bi-Polar disorder, and other issues I was facing...).
I was hospitalized for a week as I went and talked to friends that cared enough to help me. While in the hospital, I was started on new meds that really worked well for a while. I too had been thru counseling for about a year, and was going thru all kinds of changes with the meds. The main one I was on I was maxed out on (Depakote ER, 2000mg's a day...), in addition to trying to mix other meds with it under my doctor's orders (Seroquel, Abilify...). The Seroquel was very bad as it made me fall asleep shortly after taking it. I found out the hard way after taking it and then going for a ride to the store down the street for a drink and starting to pass out behind the wheel driving... The Abilify did absolutely nothing at all. I went back to the doctor and told him that I was still feeling bad and needed help. At this point he told me that I should go to the psychiatric hospital (the one that refused me every time I tried to get help from them...) and undergo the 2 hour psychiatric evaluation, and he wanted me to start on the hard-core anti-psychotic meds like Haldol. This was my deciding factor to quit the meds as they did nothing but make me worse. it was also the day that Slipknot had just released "All Hope Is Gone" - August 26th, 2008. So after getting back into the new Slipknot stuff, it especially helped me to get out of the whole "psychiatry" trap of meds and wasted time and money of knowing more about what was wrong with me than they could even begin to understand. That was when I decided to just get back full force into my music to get me thru anything bad and horrific in my life. Not only taht, but the week's stay in the hospital cost me over $15K, which I could have used to re-build my hot-rod - a rare 1992 GMC Typhoon, #1820 out of the 2500 made in '92. Yes, pissed off very much I was because of that...
In my final session of counceling, one of the best things that's ever happened to me and also a tragedy occurred while I was inside. My dad had died in his car while waiting for me to come out due to either a heart attack or a stroke (high blood pressure related). What makes it even more ....ed up was that he died on my birthday 5 years ago. So while his death was a shock, it was also a blessing as my main source of stress in my life was gone. I had met up with someone in NJ that I've been really close to and have started to make plans to get out of RI for once and for all finally. I had lost my job the day before thanksgiving in '08 and had been out of work for 2 years. Besides the unemployment money I was getting, the extra cash I made was from hauling and cashing in scrap metal (which pays really good might I add, as the price of metal went back up again!!!). In January of 2010, I decided to inquire about going back to school for heavy equipment operator through the Dept. of Labor. By mid July, I finally got the approval to go, and I had already made plans with my friend here in NJ to come and live with him. So I went home and started packing everything that was coming with me - my 3 guitars at the time was included in that stuff. It was finally my chance that I had been waiting for for more than 20 years to get away from all the people that were causing me nothing but problems in my life and that hated me with a passion of the Christ.
So not to sound like a dick about it - because I'm really not trying to come across as one, I'm speaking the truth about this man... Seeing a counselor is great, and it's the first sign of getting help. The toughest part is realizing the problem and getting help for it which you did. Next thing you really need to do is get out of that house and away from your mother. It sounds to me like your mother is the source of all your problems and you NEED to get away from her before something bad happens to either you or her. You won't know how much better you'll feel until you get away from what's keeping you down and causing your problems. If you love your guitar and your gear and your music, then make it work for you. For me I love playing my guitars or the drums and grinding the .... out of my strings and getting my aggressions out on my guitars. If it weren't for my music, I wouldn't be typing this out for you to read and help you.
As for getting out and finding somewhere else to go, start talking to your friends, those who you are really good with and will stick by you no matter what. You are in a really bad spot right now and you need to act before things get worse. Someone will be willing to let you stay with them. If not, then talk to your counselor and tell her that you seriously need to get out of that house with your mother before things get worse. And I agree about getting a job also, getting a job and getting money in your pocket is yet another step to buying your freedom and your sanity remaining in tact. If you need to, ask your doctor or counselor to give you some meds to help take some of the pressure off. They didn't work well for me, but there's plenty of people who they do work for though. If your taking them and feel yourself getting worse, get back to the hospital or your doctor right away and tell them.
Eating right and sleeping at least 6 hours a day is very important also. If you don't eat and sleep right, your only doing more harm to your body and making the depression worse. Same goes for doing nothing but staying in the house all the time too... get out and start looking for a job and a new place to go... But since you got your guitar(s) and gear and friends to jam with, seriously start using that to get the bullshit out of your life.
In the meantime, be true to yourself, and stay close to friends who really care for and about you. If you need to talk to someone when you hit those ugly "black" spot, then do it, do NOT keep that shit inside as it's only poisoning you more. If you feel you need someone different to talk to, you can always talk to me as I've been there before and I beat it. I'm a good listener and can help give you insights as to how to beat it also. DO NOT - I repeat, DO NOT attempt to kill yourself. Death is the coward's way out, and you are the furthest thing from a coward!!! Not to mention, think of those you'll be hurting most if you die... The pain that you will burden your friends with is not worth it, neither is death. Your still young and have your whole life ahead of you. You've got talents and skills with your music, so use it to it's fullest potentials. You've got friends close by and friends here that give a .... and will always be here to listen if you need to vent.
But what I've mentioned above are the things to start looking into and to saving yourself and your sanity before shit gets really bad. The only one that's gonna make things happen is yourself. Just like the corny line from Ferris Beuller's Day Off goes: "If you put your mind to it, you can accomplish ANYTHING!!!" It's the truth man. So start looking at how to get out of that house and away from your mother before she kills you with the stress or you kill her from snapping and losing it. The ball's in your court, time to run with it and make shit happen for yourself.
If you'd like to be able to talk to me sometime, send me a PM and I'll give you my email and phone #. I'll always be there to help a friend and fellow musician in need. I'm sure there's others here that are willing and would do the same. For me, my music and my gear I value MORE than my life. My music IS my life. Hard work, dedication and preservernce will get you thru this. Just alaway remember to do the right thing and don't kill yourself. We're all here if you need us!!!