That's actually pretty good, Ozzy. It has a terrific flow and balance to it, almost like a story. Keeps you reading.
I'm not much for the "Pain" type of lyrical device (too much Korn in my young emotional diet
), but it works well in this case. Reminds me more of say... 'Comfortably Numb', than something Korn would do, and far more inventive.
I say -
Nice job!